MiSTed--(3/3) Meaghan Edwards' Lion King fanfics

[Håkan Svensson]

[part 3]

CROW: I keep having this song run through my head throughout this.
[singing] In the jungle, the quiet jungle-
TOM: Oh, please. Whenever I hear that, I keep getting "Friends"
flashbacks.
MIKE: You know, that's weird. Whenever I hear of "Friends", I keep
thinking of "Family Ties."
CROW: Do not mention "Family Ties". I keep thinking of all those awful
corperate ties that executives have to wear.
TOM: Executives? Pah, Executives make me think of "power lunches" and
"cellular phones" and "briefcases".
MIKE: Tom, whenever you do that "quote" thing, I keep thinking of Magnus
Pike.
CROW: So.. we just related "The Lion King" to Magnus Pike.
MIKE: Yeah, I guess so.
TOM: Cool.
CROW: Neat. Let's try the Bacon game.
MIKE&TOM: NOO!!

[Mike grabs Crow's beak.]

MIKE: Let's see how Dr F. is doing.

[He pushes the button.]

[Deep 13]

PEARL: [coming on screen with a large pot of chicken soup] Clayton, open
up! I have your lunch ready!
DR F: [off screen] Mother! I'm not sick!
PEARL: Nonsense. Mother knows best.

[She picks up a dirty dish rag, and puts it in the pot, soaking it in.
(Think "Misery")]

PEARL: [grinning unpleasantly] Right, Clayton. Coming ready or not.

[Pearl exits, then Dr F. starts screaming off screen.]

[Commercials.]

<6..5..4..3..2..@..>

>Subject: Scar's Last Chance
>From: ah...@freenet.hamilton.on.ca (Merv Hass)

MIKE: Any relation to linda.hamilton.on.ca?
TOM: Wishful thinking will get you nowhere.

>Date: 1997/01/11
>Message-Id: <5b8gd6$7...@main.freenet.hamilton.on.ca>
>Organization: Hamilton-Wentworth FreeNet, Ontario, Canada.
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.disney.animation

TOM: Are you sure it's not rec.arts.lousy.fanfiction?
MIKE: No, that's alt.startrek.creative.

>
>
>
>

TOM: Well, that's the one good part of the post over with.

> SCAR'S LAST CHANCE
>
> Written by Meaghan Edwards
>
>
>
>

CROW: Let's just hope the rest of this fanfic keeps the promise of the first
part of the post.

> It was approximatley ten months after Simba returned to his
>homeland, defeated Scar and took his place in the Circle of Life. The
>pridelands were fully restored,

TOM: It's a good thing they made backups.

> and the herds are starting to return to
>their original grazing grounds.

CROW: Oooh, are the original grounds going to graze me with their presence?

> Shani, Simba's daughter, chases after a
>butterfly through the lush vegetation.
>
> "I think she'll catch on," Simba proclaimed.
> "Shani's an excellent hunter. I'm sure by her first birthday
>she'll catch her first Thomson's Gazelle," Nala smiled.

TOM: Any question Meaghan just took that name out of an encyclopedia?
MIKE and CROW: No.

>
> Seeing that their daughter is safe and sound, Simba and Nala lie
>down together under a shady Acacia tree. Timon and Pumbaa, the almost

CROW: ...but not quite entirely...

>unlikely duo, scrounges around for bugs and insects to eat for breakfast.

MIKE: Try something by Microsoft. You won't find more bugs anywhere else.

>Zazu glides across the horizon and looks into the distance. A familar
>figure stands in the skyline. It's Scar! Zazu gasped in horror as he sees
>Scar stealing the pride's kill, half-eaten.

MIKE: I thought Scar left the movie *fully* eaten.

>
> "Terrible news!" shouted Zazu. The hornbill landed perfectly at
>the feet of King Simba.
>
> "What is it?" Simba questioned.
> "Scar is in the Pridelands!" Zazu shreiked.
> "Oh no!" Nala exclaimed.

CROW: And blew up into thousands of tiny pieces.

> "What's wrong?" asked Shani.

MIKE: The fact that Meaghan just violated continuity and resurrected an
extremely dead character.

> "Your Father has a important job to attend to!" answered
>Nala.

TOM: Work! That's horrible!

> "Why can't I come?" whined Shani.

MIKE: Crow, don't even think about it.
CROW: Geez, calm down, Mike.

> "Shani, It's too dangerous. Besides, won't you rather be
>practicing your pouncing lessons?" Nala replied.

TOM: I already know how to take lessons. When do we get to the pouncing?

>
> Shani and Nala watched Simba disaper into the horizon. The two of
>them start to walk down the hills, patroling the territory together.

MIKE: Simba's daughter patrols the Pridelands?
TOM: After all, she does have a 21:32 minute Kobayashi Maru time.

> Shani
>is distracted by a cricket and runs off. Nala lies down and falls asleep.

MIKE: Looks like their patroling is inspired by the Highway Patrol.

>She is automatically woken by the earth-shaking roar of Simba.
> Simba spots Scar gnawing at a bone taken from the Wildebeest
>carcass, and sneaks behind him, trying not to make a sound.

CROW: Well, except for that tiny little earth-shattering roar that could
be heard from the horizon.

> Scar is
>unaware of Simba's presence, and continues to scavange unnoticed.

TOM: So now Simba *hasn't* noticed Scar?
MIKE: Leave it. If you're going to point out every inconsistency in this
story, we could be sitting here for the next 500 years.

> Simba
>slowly curls back his lips and lets out a threatening snarl. Scar spins
>around, and starts to panic.

TOM: He should have brought his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy with
him.

>
> "Get out of here! I don't want to see your face here again!"
>commanded Simba.
> With that, Scar lies down on his side and looks up at Simba.

CROW: [Scar] What? This face?

>
> "I can't! I have no were else to go!" Scar muttered. Simba moves
>towards Scar with a angry look on his face.
>
> "And why not?" Simba demanded.
> "No other pride would accept me," Scar substained.

MIKE: So I went back to the pride I ruined the entire hunting grounds for
and would have the least chance of accepting me.
CROW: Scar's smart - he knows he has a writer that provides him with the
choicest plot contrivances.

>
> Simba advanced upon Scar with his tail raised and claws retracted.

TOM: Meaghan? Could you please avoid using words that you don't know the
meaning of? Is that too much to ask?
MIKE: If he did, this fanfic would be half as long!

>Scar starts to fawn with fear.
>
> "If you want to stay, fight me," requested Simba.
> "I don't want to fight," lamented Scar.

MIKE: I prefer treason and deceit!

> "Too bad. You have no other choice," growled Simba.
> "But Simba, you don't understand," Scar continued.

CROW: It wasn't me! It was the one-armed lion!

>
> Enraged, Simba smacks Scar across his face with terrible force.

TOM: Use the force, Simba!

>Scar lays unconcious for ten minutes and slowly wakes up. Simba stands
>over him, looking him right in the eye. Scar averts his stare and whines
>with fear. Simba starts attacking Scar with aggression and forces him to
>leave. Scar refuses and rolls over on his back, expression his submission
>clearly.

CROW: What a relief that someone is expressing something clearly in this
fanfic.

> Simba looks down at Scar with a mean streak.

MIKE: Hey! No streaking allowed here!

>
> "Coward," Simba roared.
>
> Scar started to shiver. He looked up at Simba with a saddened and
>sorrowful expression on his face.

CROW: And mournful and woeful and grievous and rueful and...
MIKE: Thank you.

> Simba's eyes narrow as he tries to make
>eye contact. Scar's eyes meet up with his.

TOM: After Simba had gouged them out of their sockets.

>
> "Simba, It was all my fault," Scar whimpered sorrowfully.
>
> Simba starts to growl. As Simba moves back, Scar starts to stand
>up with his ears flattened against his head and his tail between his legs.

CROW: Unfortunately, Scar had forgotten that signals "get stuffed" among
lions.

>Simba scowls, and moves towards him.
>
> "Leave," Simba exploded with anger.

ALL: Ewwwwwww!
MIKE: Gross! There's bits of lion all over the savannah!

> "Simba, can I have a second chance?" cried Scar.
> "Alright. I'll give you a second chance. Let's see you get on your
>knees first," ordered Simba.

CROW: He's not going to...
MIKE: I don't even want to *think* about it.

>
> Scar humbly bows down in front of Simba like a servant to a king.

MIKE: Could it have something to do with Simba *being* a king?

>Simba looks down at Scar, and slowly begins to smile.

TOM: Then Simba widens his grin baring his fangs, licks his lips and
ponders what a wonderful supper Scar would make.
MIKE: Feeling dark today?

> Scar gets up off his
>knees and avoids looking Simba into the eye.
>
> "Simba, please forgive me," Scar pleaded.
> "Oh, Scar, of course I forgive you," chuckled Simba.

CROW: [Scar] Even for me killing your brother?
MIKE: [Simba] Oh, that was you! No, I don't.

> "That's good to hear," Scar replied.
> "Once you are accepted as a true member of the pride,

MIKE: And the Pridelands will freeze over before that happens,

> you must
>always remember that you are the lowest-ranking lion in the pride," Simba
>instructed.
> "There seems to be no problem with that.

TOM: Well, there's always the fact that everyone else will have dibs on any
food before me and that I will probably starve to death, but other than
that, no problem at all.

> I decided I never want to
>be king," Scar continued.

CROW: Yes, that our Scar, always a mountain of honesty and humbleness.
TOM: The scary bit is, he actually *is* in this story.

> "Oh, Scar, do stop being so submissive!" Simba added.
> "I can't help it. It's just my nature," Scar mumered.

TOM: In the sense that Mr B. is "natural".

>
> Simba returned back home with Scar by his side. Sarafina, Sarabi,
>Nala and all the other lionessses were surprised to see Scar.

TOM: A killer that destroyed your home has returned from the dead. What's
the lionesses' reaction?
MIKE and CROW: Dull surprise!

>
> "Welcome home, Scar," Sarafina gibed.
> "It feels great to be home," Scar purred.

CROW: [Scar] Now, on to reconquering the Pridelands!

>
> After that, the lionesses tested their donimance with Scar.

MIKE: Okay, Crow, you can make a lewd joke here. I just don't care
any more.
CROW: Forget it. It's no fun when I'm allowed to be dirty.

> Of
>course, Scar always ended up being the loser because of his lowly
>temperament.

TOM: At least I can take comfort in that what Meaghan has done to Scar
is not half as bad as what Disney did to "The Little Mermaid" and
"The Hunchback of Notre Dame".
MIKE: Hey!

> He dared not to attack Shani, fearing that Simba would
>severly punish him.

TOM: A dismemberment of two. Nothing too bad.

> Instead, Scar would allow her to clamber onto his
>mane, and nip his tail.

MIKE: I don't think I've heard that particular euphemism before.

> From then on, the pride had accepted Scar.
>
>=============================================================================

>From: ah...@freenet.hamilton.on.ca (Merv Hass)

MIKE: This is the home stretch, guys. Don't panic.

>Subject: I'm going to write a book...

MIKE: Now you can panic.
CROW and TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

>Date: 1997/01/10
>Message-Id: <5b6k4f$1...@main.freenet.hamilton.on.ca>
>Organization: Hamilton-Wentworth FreeNet, Ontario, Canada.
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.disney.animation
>
>
> I'm going to write a book about about Scar. It will be called
>"Scar's Last Chance" and I hope to get it published.

MIKE: Come on! Even the Woodside Literary Agency and the Jolly Roger would
reject this!

> Look at your local
>bookstore every four months or so.

CROW: I never visited a bookstore or read a book, and look at my writing!

> It won't take me very long.....

TOM: Please, don't feel the need to rush.

>
>Meaghan Edwards (screenwriter,

ALL: [Loud snickering]

> author,

ALL: [Louder snickering]

> and soon-to-be new dog owner)

CROW: But you've already *written* three dogs!

>
>e-mail me for more details:
>
>ak...@freenet.hamilton.on.ca
>----------------------------

MIKE: And it's finally over. Let's get out of here as soon as possible,
guys.

<..@..2..3..4..5..6>

[Crow comes on with a lion mask on. Tom comes on wearing another lion
mask.]

CROW: I shall become King!
TOM: Let's have a fight!

[Crow and Tom schuffle a bit.]

TOM: [rolling onto his back] I give up!
CROW: Okay.

[Mike comes on wearing a wolf mask.]

MIKE: I have come to this continent because I'm old and I lead the pack.
CROW: Welcome. Stay as long as you want.
TOM: I don't like you.
CROW: You're dead!

[Crow hits Tom, and Tom falls out of sight. A moment later, he pops up
again.]

TOM: Please forgive me killing your father.
CROW: Okay.

[Mike takes off his mask, and removes the 'bots' masks.]

MIKE: Okay, what did we learn from that?
TOM: That wolves can live where they have never been before.
CROW: Man can exist where he has never been before.
TOM: Dead people can come back to life and be forgiven.
CROW: Meaghan can't write fanfics.
TOM: Oh, I change my answer. I agree with Crow.
MIKE: Well, that isn't very supportive of you...
TOM: You were in there with us, weren't you?
MIKE: Yes, which is why I'm agreeing with you.
CROW: Well, I can see your backbone's standing tall, Mr.
I-Agree-With-Everyone.
MIKE: What do you think, sirs?

[He hits the button.]

[Deep 13]

[Dr F. comes on screen. His face is covered with black spots. Pearl
follows him.]

PEARL: Clayton, get back to bed, you're sick.
DR F: Mother, I'm not sick. And stop painting spots on me. [He fends off
Pearl's advances with a felt-tip pen.]
PEARL: I'm just trying to look after you.
DR F: [suspicious] Why?
PEARL: Because I'm trying to be a good mother.
DR F: You never have been before.
PEARL: [looks down] I know. I.. I'm just trying to make up for it.
DR F: Aww, you don't have to do thaatt..

[They hug. Then seperate quickly.]

DR F: Let's never do that again.
PEARL: Okay. [leaves]
DR F: [turning to the screen] And if you ever mention this, peanut boy,
just remember that I have back-ups of Ratliff's stories.

[He pushes the button.]

\ | /
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---0---
/|\
/ | \

fwshhhh

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. The Lion King and everything related is copyrighted by
Disney. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
This post is for amusement only and should be seen as a personal attack
on Mr. Edwards.

> "Was that a challange?" demanded Mufasa.
> "Yes, it was, in a matter-of-factly!" snapped Scar.

--
.-. _-~\ .-. \==/ | Sir Håkan Svensson the unpronouncable
( O ) |\ O \ (___) (oo) | Also known as Nighthowl on Caption This
`-' /\\_-~ |v| () | d95...@nada.kth.se - EuroMiSTie #00001
CAMBOT! GYPSY! TOM SERVO! CROOOOW! | (Okay, YOU try drawing Gypsy in 3 lines!)