MiST on the Ghost Planet: "Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS" (4/4)
Jen White6
> Launchpad to call the police.
>
Zorak: Here, police! Here, police! Soo-ey!
> The police showed up with several paddy wagons.
Tansit: Launchpaddy wagons? Ha ha ha ha!
> They spent hours
> chipping the glue away from the dancers.
Tansit: But since everyone in Saint Canard is some kind of animal, they
had to shave off fur and pluck feathers to get 'em loose.
> Psychologists ran around
> evaluating every case. Darkwing kept his attention focused on the Lord
> of the Pants.
Ghost: [Darkwing] There's just *something* about that man...
> The pasty little man had required and ambulance. The
> Backstreet Boys, being the eager beaver greenhorns they were, had broken
> several of his bones.
Zorak: Well, how ELSE are you supposed to get the marrow out?
> He only regained consciousness just as the
> paramedics put him in the ambulance.
> "Revenge," he hissed before the doors closed.
Tansit: "Of the Old Queen," he finished after the doors shut.
> "Don't worry, Mr. Pants," Nick yelled after the ambulance. "The
> Backstreet Boys will visit you in the hospital!" Nick waved after the
> ambulance.
Zorak: Be seeing you - in your NIGHTMARES! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
> "Yeah, we'll sign your casts," shouted A.J.
Ghost: Are they going to cook his bunny too?
> Darkwing thought he
> saw the little man struggle against the paramedics and try to sit up.
Ghost: [Lord of The Pants] Must... do... calisthenics!
> "Hey, Darkwing Duck," one of the dancers called him as he was being
> led away. Darkwing walked up to him. "This whole experience has given
> me faith in my abilities again. I have a whole new perspective on the
> business," the dancer rambled to the clearly uninterested crimefighter.
Zorak: [dancer] Now that I know how to dance for evil, I'm switchin'
careers!
> "I just want you to know, me and the other guys have decided to go legit'
> and form our own performing group.
Ghost: Hah! Everyone knows criminals can never be decent entertainers.
Zorak: Is that supposed to be a dig?
Ghost: Oh, *no*, Zorak.
> We'll call ourselves...Michael
> Platypus and the St. Canard Bay Dancers. We'll perform Irish folk
> dancing or something."
Zorak: Arrest them! Arrest them NOW!
> "How wonderful for you," said Darkwing, although a bit
> sarcastically.
Zorak: Boy, between Darkwing and the Bonebreak Boys, there's a lotta
attitude flyin' around today.
> He watched as the dancer was loaded into the paddy wagon
> and taken away. "Irish folk dancing? Who'd be interested in that?"
Zorak: The Irish folks shooting at their feet?
> "Thanks, Darkwing, we had fun," Nick shook Darkwing's hand.
[Zorak imitates a joy buzzer noise.]
> The
> other Backstreet Boys followed his example and thanked the short
> crimefighter and his sidekick.
Ghost: I'll take your word for it, we don't need to see it.
> "We gotta go, man. We got rehearsal tomorrow morning," Kevin told
> him. "If there's anything we can ever do for you, you let us know all
> right." Launchpad grabbed Darkwing's shoulder and squeezed it hard.
Tansit: [Darkwing] OWWWWWWWW!
> Darkwing sighed wearily.
> "Wellll, there is something..."
>
Zorak: [Darkwing, thinking] You will get Darkwing Duck some fly honeys.
> The concert audience was filled with what seemed like millions of
> screaming fans, mostly girls.
Zorak: [surprised] Hey! It worked!
> Drake Mallard shook his head as he watched
> them shove each other around in an effort to get closer to the stage.
Tansit: [singing] Girl fight tonight!
> The Backstreet Boys was finishing up "I'll Never Break Your Heart".
Ghost: Just your arms, legs, and ribs.
> Gosalyn was jumping around with her usual energy. She seemed to be very
> happy in the sixty-third row, but Drake could tell she wanted to be
> closer.
Tansit: The way she was leapfrogging rows was his first hint.
> Just then he saw the cue from Kevin.
Ghost: [Kevin] LINE!
> "I'll go get some sodas," he yelled to Launchpad and Gosalyn.
Tansit: Kevin cued him to go get 'em drinks?
> "WHAT?" Gosalyn yelled over the crowd. Drake mimicked drinking and
> Gosalyn indicated she understood.
Zorak: [Gosalyn] Dad's an alcoholic, but at least he's alive.
> Drake slipped through the crowd as the
> song ended.
Ghost: Unfortunately, the tape had broken, revealing the Backstreet Boys
to be lip-synching frauds!
> "Thanks everyone," Nick told the crowd. "We've had fun in St.
> Canard this past two weeks," he began into his monologue.
Ghost: I just flew in, and boy is my cape tired.
> Howie rolled
> his eyes as the girls in the front row screamed Nick's name over and over
> again.
Tansit: Actually, they were saying "Owie". Someone was stepping on their
toes.
> "Well we'd like to take a moment to thank some friends who took
> time out of their schedules to show us around.
Tansit: [Nick] There's Leon the Tour Guide...
> First of all, we'd like
> to thank my favorite crimefighter on the planet, my hero, DARKWING DUCK!"
> A puff of blue smoke erupted off stage.
Zorak: AAUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Moltar: Huh!?
Ghost: WHAT? What's wrong, Zorak?!
Zorak: This is turning into HOWARD THE DUCK!
[Pause. Then all three scream.]
> Gosalyn's eyes nearly popped out of her head as she watched
> Darkwing- her Dad- making nice with the Backstreet Boys.
Tansit: Whoa! Next thing you know, Weird Al and Coolio will make up!
> She felt
> betrayed.
Tansit: [falsetto] If he adopts them too, I'll run away from home!
> He never told her he knew the Backstreet Boys, and he knew how
> much she loved them!
Zorak: Well, actually a day ago he never heard of them, but whatever.
> "I'd also like to give a special thanks to Launchpad McQuack," Nick
> continued, a spot light fell on Launchpad and Gosalyn.
Zorak: THUD.
> "And especially
> Gosalyn Mallard.
Zorak: *THUD!*
> Why don't you guys get up here?" Launchpad led the
> dazed Gosalyn down sixty-three rows and up on the stage.
Ghost: [roadie] Ya got a pass?
> Darkwing was
> amused to see that
Zorak: Launchpad had painted the words "SOY BOMB" on his front.
> even though she was shocked at the surprise of getting
> on stage with her teen idol she didn't lose the ability to speak. She
> chattered away with Nick, she would have blathered away all night,
Zorak: [audience member] Hey, get that kid off the stage! We wanna see
ROCK, not "The Cartoon Gang"!
> but
> Nick gave her a peck on the cheek and she fell silent. Darkwing saw that
> she looked ridiculously happy. He became slightly worried when he saw
> the girls in the front row stare at Gosalyn with murder written on their
> faces.
Zorak: Alluva sudden I like this story again! BWA-HA-HA-HA!
> "So Gosalyn, what's your favorite song?" Brian asked her. She said
> something, but it sounded like slobbering gibberish to Darkwing.
Ghost: [random Backstreet Boy] Slobbering gibberish is what we do best!
Hit it!
> "Don't worry," A.J. whispered to Darkwing, "Brian is an excellent
> interpreter of the language of drooling girls."
Tansit: He used to be a pediatric dentist.
> "'As Long As You Love Me'?" Brian asked. The audience roared
> approval.
Zorak: [whip-crack noise] Back! Back!
> The band began to play the opening for the song. Nick stood
> beside Gosalyn and sang to her during the entire song. Darkwing watched
> them offstage and prayed that her tongue wouldn't wander out of her
> mouth.
>
Ghost: Little did he know that Gosalyn was part anteater on her mother's
side.
> I don't care who you are
> Where you're from
> What you did
Tansit: [Gosalyn] Jerk!
> As long as you love me
Ghost: Now exactly the basis for a deep relationship, is it?
> Who you are
> Where you're from
Zorak: What you're in prison for
What diseases you carry
> Don't care what you did
> As long as you love me
>
> As the song finished,
Ghost: Whoa! That's the *whole* song?!
> Gosalyn ran offstage to hug Darkwing. Howie
> asked Launchpad what he wanted to hear.
Zorak: You, whimpering in agony.
> Launchpad requested "Everybody
> (Backstreet's Back)".
Ghost: How do you pronounce parentheses?
> "Hey, DW, why don't you dance with us?" Brian asked. "Show us some
> of those fancy backflips and whatever you do."
Tansit: Oh, yeah, THAT's a great idea. He'll do a double-flip paddledrop
boom-boom kick and bring down the whole theater.
> "Uhh, is that such a good idea, Darkwing?" Gosalyn looked up at
> Darkwing, silently begging him not to embarrass her.
Ghost: Come on, Darkwing, show 'em those moves you learned in that disco
class.
> "Don't worry, Gos," Darkwing winked at her, "whatever happens,
> you're not related to me." Darkwing walked out onto the stage proudly.
Zorak: [Darkwing] Yep yep yep, I'm *proud* not to be that brat's
father!
> Gosalyn watched nervously as the band began to play and Darkwing danced.
>
> Everybody
> Rock your body
> Everybody
> Rock your body right
Ghost: Now bend your body left! Feel the burn!
> Backstreet's Back All right!
>
Ghost: Do these people ever sing about anything but themselves?
> Darkwing appeared to be holding his own with the nimble young men.
Tansit: But just wait 'til the swimsuit competition!
> Gosalyn swallowed nervously.
>
> Am I original?
> Yeah.
> Am I the only one?
> Yeah.
>
Zorak: Am I talking to myself like a freakin' nutcase?
Tansit & Ghost: Yeah.
> Gosalyn relaxed as she realized that it was part of the set-up.
> Darkwing obviously knew the dance routine well. She started dancing
> herself.
>
> Everybody
> Rock your body
> Everybody
> Rock your body right
Tansit: [singing] Rock-a-bye Backstreet, in the treetop...
> Backstreet's Back all right!
>
>
Zorak: [apathetically] Backstreet in da house. Word to your mother.
> "Keen Gear, Dad, I'll remember this night for the rest of my life!"
> Gosalyn said for the thousandth time since they got into the station
> wagon and headed home.
Ghost: *How* far away do they live?
> Launchpad was admiring the commemorative plate
> the Backstreet Boys had given him.
Ghost: [Launchpad] This'll go right by my Charles & Di set!
> There were only ten of these
> particular plates in existence.
Zorak: And he smashed the other nine to corner the market.
> "I'm glad you liked it, sweetie," Drake smiled. Gosalyn sat
> quietly for a few minutes, a thoughtful look on her face. She suddenly
> smiled widely at Drake.
Tansit: It's probably just gas.
> "I just can't wait for the Spice Ducks to come to town."
Zorak: Mmm... spiced duck...
> "Yeah, me neither," Launchpad jumped in. "I'd sure like to see
> Baby Spice in person."
Zorak: I hear they're tenderer when they're young.
> "Oh, brother," Drake groaned.
>
Tansit: Yeh mon, brother duck.
> "Darkwing Duck Meets The BACKSTREET BOYS" is copyright Andrea Avalos.
Zorak: [Andrea Avalos] I'm Andrea Avalos, and I'm a... fan fiction
writer.
> I
> can be reached at Aav...@aol.com.
Zorak: [Andrea Avalos] Ya wanna piece of me? C'mon!
> All the lyrics to the songs in this
> story are copyright Zomba Recording Corporation (I think).
Tansit: Or they could be by Dr. Seuss. I dunno.
> Anyway, the
> songs belong to the Backstreet Boys, so don't even think of misusing them
> as I have just done.
Ghost: [Andrea Avalos] Do as I say, not as I do!
> I want to apologize first to the Backstreet Boys,
> Nick Carter, Howard (Howie D.) Dorough, Brian (B-Rok) Littrell,
Ghost: [Willaim Shatner] I am B-Rok!
> Alexander
> James (A.J.) McLean, and Kevin Richardson. I know next to nothing about
> the Backstreet Boys,
Zorak: And after reading this, so do we.
> I've never met them. The only information I get
> about them is from my two fangirl sisters, who I wrote this story for.
Ghost: I hear they're in charge of developing a new cartoon show in the
spirit of "Hammerman".
> I'd also like to beg any Backstreet Boys fans not to flame me because of
> my ignorance.
Zorak: Oh, yeah, I *love* it when ya show fear, baby!
> I hope you groupies get a kick out of this story. I felt
> it had to happen sometime.
Tansit: [Andrea Avalos] So I took the bullet.
> Maybe I should've written in 'N Sync. By the
> way, copyrights for 'N Sync apply where appropriate.
Tansit: But since they're not in this story... [shrugs]
> Darkwing Duck,
> Launchpad, and Gosalyn are copyright of Disney, and Micheal Nelson/Lord
> of the Pants rightly belongs to Best Brains, but I stole it and used it
> for my own evil purposes.
Zorak: Hey! That's right! She used fan fiction for evil! BWA-HA-HA-
HA-HA!
Tansit: Does that mean you like it now?
Zorak: No.
> And just to cover my butt, the whole
> linedancing/hypnotic thing was a bit I ripped right off of MTV's
> Celebrity Deathmatch (Garth Brooks vs. Marilyn Manson).
Ghost: Well, at least she's *honest* about borrowing ideas.
Zorak: That reminds me. Batman called. He wants his cowl back.
[The text scrolls off the screen.]
Ghost: Well, that was, uh...
Zorak: A way to kill an hour. Brutally.
Tansit: I have an idea!
Zorak: [aside] I'll alert the media.
Tansit: Look!
[Camera on the band's area. Tansit is standing there with an open-chest
shirt and tight pants on top of his orange costume. It's not a pretty
sight. Behind him, Zorak is staring like a stunned carp.]
Tansit: Why don't we have dancing on the show! Look, like this!
[Tansit attempts to do something vaguely akin to riverdancing. However, it
looks more like a soft shoe being danced on an anthill.]
Ghost: Tansit.
Tansit: -two, three - I can do this! -
[A ray comes in from the left and blasts Tansit. He stands there, his
clothes burnt, charred completely black except for the red lights of his
eyes.]
Zorak: [holding his veeblefetzer gun] Hey! *I* wanted to blast 'im!
Ghost: [sighs] It's no good, guys. Nothing's going to get done today.
Let's just go home.
[control room]
Moltar: You might've* said that an *hour* ago.
[Coast to Coast set]
Tansit: [still crispy] I'll just go practice my guitar, then.
[Zorak clicks the safety off his veeblefetzer.]
Tansit: Or maybe I'll just go read something else.
[Zorak raises the gun and takes aim at Tansit's helmet.]
Tansit: By myself.
Zorak: [lowering the gun] That's better.
Ghost: I'm outta here.
[Space Ghost flies out.]
[control room]
Moltar: Well... that's that.
Zorak: [on the monitor] What we gonna do for a show?
Moltar: I dunno. Patch something together, I suppose.
Zorak: Slap some music over it, nobody'll ever know the difference.
We've done it before, we can do it again.
Tansit: I can-
[We hear the sound of someone being blasted.]
Tansit: Ouch! Okay, okay.
Moltar: I'm outta here.
Zorak: See ya. I'll lock up.
[Moltar pulls the lever and walks away. Text flows on the main screen. In
an inset in the lower right corner, we see Zorak take out a bundle of
scripts and a book of matches.]
/ |
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/ |
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___________|/|____________
| ______________________ |\
| |J#~#-####*###-##*###+#| | |
| |##*#.##-#.##-#.##~##*#| | |
| |##+###+##~##+###+#*###| | |
| |##-#.##+##.-###-####-#| | |
| |#-###-###+#W######-## | | |
| |##~#*###-*###*#+#.####| | |
| |###~#+#~.##-######~###| | |
| |##-#*###-#*~##-#~#.##%| | |
| |##+##*#+##+#-##.###+##| | |
| |#~##*#####-###~*####*6| | |
| ________________________ |/
This MiSTing blast-o-rama is copyright (c) by the author,
JenW...@aol.com. "Darkwing Duck meets the BACKSTREET BOYS" is copyright
(c) by Andrea Avalos. Darkwing Duck, Launchpad McQuack, and Gosalyn
Mallard are all copyright (c) Disney. The Backstreet Boys are copyright
(c) themselves, or possibly their agent, I don't know exactly how the music
industry works. "As Long As You Love Me" and "Everybody (Backstreet's
Back)" are copyright (c) Zomba Records. Mike "Lord of The Pants" Nelson is
copyright (c) Best Brains. Space Ghost, Zorak, Tansit, and Moltar are
copyright (c) Hanna-Barbera. All copyrighted characters are used without
permission but with affection. This MiSTing was done in the name of fun,
and no malice is intended to anyone.
Thanks to sn...@geocities.com, ma...@infinet.com, and feld...@cryogen.com
for their editorial help.
> "Lets get..." Nick began.
> "Physical!" Brian cracked.
> "That was just wrong, Brian, WRONG," Howie slapped Brian.
so sez Jen "Call me MiSTer!" White.
