[MiSTing] "The Odyssey" (5/5) THE SPECIAL EDTION
Tjats
machine is
still to the right.
MIKE: Welcome back, everyone. Say, guys, uh... do you think that the song the
sirens
sang to Odysseus would actually lure sailors to their island?
CROW: Of course not, Mike! That song couldn't seduce an earthworm.
SERVO: Yeah. Which reminds me, I decided to pen an alternative song that
might
actually atract visitors to the Sirens' island.
MIKE: Well, let's hear it!
SERVO: Okay!
[Music plays, a piano playing slowly, like a love song.]
SERVO[singing softly]: Come one, come all,
Let's all have a ball,
At the island of Sirens and songs,
When you dock your ship here,
You can have a beer.
And maybe smoke some bongs.
That is, unless,
And I may digress,
You can get passed those awful bad rocks,
And actually find a docking port,
(Not of the sandy, shallow sort.)
But don't forget to bring your passport
Or else you'll have to deport.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: Shh.
SERVO:And if you get to us in one piece,
We may have to skin you for fleece.
But that's okay, 'cuz we'll have all day,
To get in bed and do it with-
MIKE: Uh, Tom, that's far enough.
SERVO: But I wanna finish the song!
[The music ends, and Crow goes to the time machine.]
CROW: Okay, guys! Quit your bickering! It's time to bring the last person
from
Mike's illusrious past to the present!
[Crow starts the machine.]
MIKE[over the din]: I think we've run out of people, Crow.
CROW: Nonsense! There's got to be someone! Your third grade teacher,
perhaps?
Maybe that stone-faced co-worker at the cheese factory? Your brother, Edward?
MIKE: Crow, I don't have a brother named Edward.
[Suddenly, the time machine explodes in a huge cloud of smoke. Crow is thrown
back to the
far left where Mike and Servo stand in horror. Gypsy rushes in.]
GYPSY: Guys! What happened?
CROW: I don't know! The machine just overloaded!
[The smoke clears, and standing there in a red jumpsuit marked Gizmonics is...]
'BOTS: JOEL!!!!!!!
JOEL[bewildered]: What the heck did you guys do to me? I-
[Joel sees Mike, who is trying to remember who this guy is.]
JOEL: Hey, I remember you! You're the one who was working with the Mads when
they were
audited!
MIKE: Yeah, and you're... that guy...
CROW: He's the guy who you helped escape from the Satelite!
MIKE: Oh, that's right! Jeol?
'BOTS[disaprovingly]: JOEL!
MIKE: Right.
JOEL: They sent another guy up after me? Aww, gee. It's nice to know you
guys are in
good hands.
[The 'Bots laugh at Joel's hoplessly incorrect statement.]
MIKE: Hi, I'm Mike Nelson.
JOEL: And I'm Joel Robinson. Hey, are you still watching bad movies?
MIKE: No, they ran out of Movies. We're getting bad fanfiction instead.
Right now we're reading the Odyssey, and...
-movie sign-
MIKE: Oh, geez, we got epic sign!
JOEL: Say, Crow, you seem different.
CROW: Oh, *do* I?
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike, Joel, Crow, and Servo enter the theater. Joel sits in his former seat,
and Mike
just stands.]
MIKE: Uh, Joel, you're in my seat.
CROW: Let him sit there, Mike.
MIKE: Okay...
[Mike sits down to the left of Servo.]
>The Cattle of the Sun God
>
JOEL: And Gypsy seems different, too.
SERVO: In never noticed.
>In the small hours of the third watch, when stars
>that shone out in the first dusk of evening
MIKE: Night's just starting, and they're *already* on the third watch?
SERVO: It's that darn union!
>had gone down to their setting, a giant wind
>blew from heaven, and clouds driven by Zeus
[Servo makes a car reving noise.]
>shrouded land and sea in a night of storm;
>so, just as Dawn with fingertips of rose
MIKE AND 'BOTS[at same time as "fingertips..."]: "...fingertips of rose", we
know.
>touched the windy world, we
JOEL: ...wagged our wound and winced at the wain. I mean pain.
> dragged our ship
>to cover in a grotto, a sea cave
MIKE: All right, Cambot, enough with the definitions! Oh, that was in the
story, sorry.
>where nymphs had chairs of rock and sanded floors.
>I mustered all the crew and said:
>
JOEL: Get Smucker's Mustard. You know it's good.
>'Old shipmates,
CROW: Well, they're not exaclty old, they're in their twenties.
> our stores are in the ship's hold, food and drink;
ALL: Duh!
>the cattle here are not for our provision,
>or we pay dearly for it.
SERVO: Make checks payable to Helios, Incorporated.
>Fierce the god is who cherishes these heifers and these sheep:
[Cambot does not do anything.]
MIKE: Allright, Cambot, thanks for laying off on those definitions.
CAMBOT: Actually, "heifers" is not in my memory bank.
MIKE: All the better.
>Helios; and no man avoids his eye.'
>
>To this my fighters nodded. Yes. But now
>we had a month onshore gales, blowing
>day in, day out-south winds, or south by east.
JOEL: Or east by south, or east, or north by south, or...
>As long as bread and good red wine remained
>to keep the men up, and appease their craving,
>they would not touch the cattle. But in the end,
'BOTS: YAAAAAYYYYYYY!"
MIKE: I don't think that's the end guys.
'BOTS: Awwwwww....
>when all the barley in the ship was gone,
>hunger drove them to scour the wild shore
CROW: It's Wild America 2: Wild Shore.
>with angling hooks, for fishes and seafowl,
MIKE: I'm no expert on grammer, but I think "fish" is both plural *and*
singular.
>whatever fell into their hands; and lean days
>wore their bellies thin.
JOEL: Odysseus should have checked the acu-weather forcast!
>
>The storms continued. So one day I
SERVO: ...died. The end.
MIKE AND JOEL[At same time]: Servo...
> withdrew to the interior
>to pray the gods in solitude, for hope
>that one might show me some way of salvation.
CROW: But, knowing the plotline from this story, probably not.
>Slipping away, I stuck across the island
>to a sheltered spot, out of the driving gale.
>I washed my hands there,
SERVO: How? Was there a nice procelain water recepticle?
> and made supplication
>to the gods who own Olympus,
CROW: Oh, so they have the property deed. Big deal.
> all the gods-
>but they, for answer, only closed my eyes
>under slow drops of sleep.
JOEL: That sentence is just too wrong.
>Now on the shore Eurylochus made his insideous plea:
>
MIKE[as Eurylochus]: Okay, now here's the plan, when he comes back and goes to
sleep,
we steal all of his underwear! Bwahahaha!
>'Comrades,' he said, 'You've gone through everything; listen to what I say.
>All deaths are hateful to us, mortal wretches,
JOEL: Who you calllin' a mortal wretch?
>but famine is the most pitiful, the worst
>end that a man can come to.
>Will you fight it? Come, we'll cut out the noblest of these cattle
>for sacrifice to the gods who own the sky;
SERVO: And now the gods own the sky, too? What next, the Pacific Ocean?!?
>and once at home, in the old country of Ithaca,
>if ever that day comes-
>we'll build a costly temple and adorn it
>with every beauty for the Lord of Noon.
>But if he flares up over his heifers lost,
>wishing our ship destroyed, and if the gods
>make cause with him, why, then I say: Better
>open your lungs to a big sea once and for all
>than waste to skin and bones on a lonely island!'
>
ALL[as crew]: [sleeping noises]
>Thus Eurylochus; and they murmured 'Aye!'
>trooping away at once to round up heifers.
MIKE: But how does Odysseus know all this if he's asleep?
JOEL: He's psychic!
>Now, that day tranquil cattle with broad brows
>were grazing near, and soon the men drew up
>around their chosen beasts in ceremony.
>They plucked the leaves that shone on a tall oak-
>having no barley meal-to strew the victims,
>performed the prayers and ritual, knifed the kine
>and flayed each carcass, cutting thighbones free
>to wrap in double folds of fat. These offerings,
>with strips of meat, were laid upon the fire.
>Then, as they had no wine, they made libation
>with clear spring water,
ALL[singing]: Poland Spring, what it means to be form Maine.
> broiling the entrails first;
[Joel covers the 'Bots' eyes.]
JOEL: You don't want to see this. In fact, why don't you leave for a while?
'BOTS: Okay, Joel.
[The 'Bots leave and Mike takes Servo's seat.]
MIKE: Fragile little guys, aren't they?
JOEL: Yeah.
>and when the bones were burnt and tripes shared,
>they spitted the carved meat.
>Just then my slumber left me in a rush, my eyes opened,
MIKE[as Odysseus]: Ah! Penelope! Don't bite so hard! I- oh.
>and I went down the seaward path. No sooner
>had I caught sight of our black hull, than savory
>odors of burnt fat eddied around me;
>grief took hold of me, and I cried aloud:
>
JOEL[as Odysseus]: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
>'O Father Zeus and gods in bliss forever,
>you made me sleep away this day of mischeif!
>O cruel drowsing, in the evil hour!
>Here they sat, and a great work they contrived.'
MIKE[as Zeus' answering machine]: I'm sorry, Zeus is not here right now.
Please
leave a message at the tone.
JOEL: Beeeeeep!
>Lampetia in her long gown meanwhile
>had borne swift word to the Overloard of Noon:
JOEL[as Lampetia]: Odysseus' story is getting too long! Fry him!
>
>'They have killed your kine.'
>
JOEL AND MIKE: That's *it*?!?
>And the Lord Helios burst into angry speech amid the immortals:
>
>'O Father Zeus and gods in bliss forever,
>punish Odysseus' men! So overweening,
BOTH: Eeeeeewww!
>now they have killed my peaceful kine, my joy
>at morning when I bore westward from heavan.
JOEL: Well, that's what you get for making him stay at sea for ten years!
>Restitution or penalty they shall pay-
>and pay in full-or I go down forever
BOTH[singing]: Forever! And ever!
>to light the dead men in the underworld.'
>
MIKE: Why? Because some guys snacked on your pets?
>Then Zeus who drives the stormcloud made reply:
>
JOEL[as Zeus]: Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!
>'Peace, Helios: shine on among the gods,
>shine over mortals in the fields of grain.
MIKE: Oh, *now* I get it! Helios was going to go down to the underworld if
Zeus didn't punish
them! A threat! [demanding, looking up] Hey! Zeus! Get us back to Earth or
we'll
say bad stuff about you!
[Suddenly a lightning bolt zapps Mike.]
MIKE: Ack!
[Mike falls to the floor. The 'Bots come back in.]
SERVO: Hi, Joel. [-thump-] Oops. Sorry, Mike.
>Let me throw down one white-hot bolt, and make
>splinters of their ship in the winedark sea.'
SERVO[as Zeus]: Then we'll sell them as toothpicks.
>-Calypso later told me of this exchange,
>as she declared that Hermes had told her.
CROW: Nothing like godly gossip.
>Well, when I reached the sea cave and the ship,
>I faced each man, and had it out; but where
ALL: On Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
>could any remedy be found? There was none.
>The silken beeves of Helios were dead.
>The gods, moreover, made queer signs appear:
JOEL: Yeild.
CROW: Merge.
SERVO: Watch out for snakes!
>cowhides began to crawl, and beef,
JOEL: Was what's for dinner.
> both raw
>and roasted, lowed like kine upon the spits.
>Now six full days my gallant crew could feast
>upon their prime beef they had marked for slaughter
>from Helios' herd; and Zeus, the son of Cronus,
>added one fine morning.
ALL: Huh?
CROW: That doesn't make any sense.
[Mike gets up.]
SERVO: Oh, hi, Mike. Forgot you were here.
>All the gales had ceased, blown out, and with an offshore breeze
>we launched again, stepping the mast and sail,
>to make for the open sea. Astern of us
>the island coastline faded, and no land
>showed anywhere, but only sea and heaven,
>when Zeus Cronion piled a thunderhead
MIKE: Zeus *Cronion*?
SERVO: Now I know why he's so short tempered.
>above the ship, while gloom spread on the ocean.
>We held our course, but briefly. Then the squall
>struck whining from the west, with gale force, breaking
>both forestays, and the mast came toppling aft
>along the ship's length, so the running rigging
>showered into the bilge.
CROW: Nothing like a good Ratliff action sequence.
>On the affterdeck the mast had hit the steersman a slant blow
>bashing the skull in, knocking him overside,
>as the brave soul fled the body, like a diver.
MIKE[as Odysseus]: But I never liked the steersman, anyway.
>With a crack on crack of thunder, Zeus let fly
>a bolt against the ship, a direct hit,
>so that she bucked, in reeking fumes of sulphur,
>and all the men were flung into the sea.
>They came up 'round the wreck, bobbing awhile
>like petrels on the waves.
>No more seafaring homeward for these, no sweet day of return;
>the god had turned his face from them.
JOEL: Then how could he aim?
>I clambered fore and aft my hulk until a comber
>split her, keel from ribs, and the big timber
>floated free; the mast, too, broke away.
SERVO[electronic]: Battleship sunk.
>A backstay floated dangling from it, stout
>rawhide rope, and I used this for lashing
>mast and keel together. These I straddled,
>riding the frightful storm.
JOEL: Yee-haw! Giddap, Bessie!
>Nor had I yet seen the worst of it: for now the west wind
>dropped, and a southeast gale came on-one more
>twist of the knife-taking me north again
CROW: You know, you can really tell at this point that Odysseus' audience is
asleep right now.
>straight for Charybdis.
ALL: Wah, wah, waaaaaaaaahhhh.
> All that night I drifted,
>and in the sunrise, sure enough, I lay
>off Scylla mountain and Charybdis deep.
>There, as the whirlpool drank the tide,
SERVO: Glug, glug, glug...
> a billow
>tossed me, and I sprang for the great fig tree,
>catching on like a bat under a bough.
ALL: WHAAAAAAT??
CROW: Come on! A fig tree over a whirlpool?
SERVO: What is wrong with Odysseus *dying*?!? Jeez!
>Nowhere had I to stand, no way of climbing,
>the root and bole being far below, and far
>above my head the branches and their leaves,
>massed, overshadowing Charybdis pool.
>But I clung grimly, thinking my mast and keel
>would come back to the surface when she spouted.
>And ah! how long, with what desire, I waited!
>till, at the twilight hour, when one who hears
MIKE: ...and sees and thinks will now enter the twilight zone.
>and judges pleas in the marketplace all day
>between contentious men, goes home to supper,
>the long poles at last reared from the sea.
SERVO: So, he goes for a month without eating and he still manages to hang
onto a
branch for a whole day?!?
>
>Now I let go with hands and feet, plunging
>straight into the foam beside the timbers,
>pulled astride, and rowed hard with my hands
>to pass by Scylla. Never could I have passed her
>had not the Father of gods and men, this time,
>kept me from her eyes. Once through the strait,
>nine days I drifted in the open sea
>before I made shore, buoyed by the gods,
CROW: Bullied, yes. But not buoyed.
>upon Ogygla isle. The dangerous nymph
>Calypso lives and sings there,
JOEL: Oh, she writes for the sirens.
> in her beauty,
>and she recieved me, loved me.
>
MIKE: Does everyone he meets fall in mad love with him?
SERVO: Bet you want to bottle what he's got, huh, Mike?
>But why tell the same tale that I told last night in hall
>to you and to your lady?
ALL: Yeah! End, end, end!
> Those adventures
>made a long evening, and I do not hold
>with tiresome repetition of a story."
SERVO: Like with "Dawn with fingertips of rose"?
CROW: Come on, Mike, let's go!
MIKE[singing]: It's over, it's over, horay!
[All leave.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Joel, Mike, and the 'Bots are saying goodbye to Joel.
CROW: We'll miss you, Joel!
SERVO: I'll miss you more than them, Joel!
GYPSY: Goodbye, Joel!
JOEL: Listen, guys, I want you to remember me as I was, not the way I am now.
SERVO: But...you're the same as you were.
JOEL: That's not important. Look, I've got to go, goodbye!
[Joel dissappears back to his time. The 'Bots start crying.]
MIKE: It's okay, guys.
-Mads sign-
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Well, Nelson, you survived the longest, most boring story yet, but wait
till
you see the next one! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
[Bobo comes in.]
BOBO: Hey, Lawgiver! I've got an idea! We can sit and watch bad movies, too!
I've already made a theme song for our show:
In the not too distant future,
Down in an old castle,
Pearl Forrester and her-
PEARL: SHUT UP!
[Pearl slaps him upside the head.]
BOBO: Owwww!
[love theme]
written by: Jim Whaley
"The Odyssey" written by: Homer
translated by: Rober Fitzgerald
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
Observer: Bill Corbett
Bobo: Kevin Murphy
with:
Dr. Forrester: Trace Belieu
TV's Frank: Frank Coniff
Cambot: Mike Nelson
Ortega: Paul Chaplin
Joel Robinson: Joel Hodgson
All MST3K-related characters and situations are trademarked by Best Brains,
Inc.
This version of The Odyssey was taken from the textbook "Prentice Hall
Literature Gold". published 1994 by Prentice Hall, Englewood Cliffs, NJ and
Needham, MA.
The Odyssey origonally composed by Homer, c1000-700 AD(or BCE for all you
non-christians)
No insults are intentionaly made to anyone.
based upon: MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
All MST3K-related characters are trademarked by BBI.
special thanks to:
The cast and crew of MST3K
All you people who love to laugh
c1998, 1999 by Jim Whaley
[stinger]
>"You are a ninny."
-----------------
other episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
101: The Cartoons Combined
102: Off-Road Brawl
103: The Odyssey
104: The New Season
201: Total Turbulence
202: The Ultimate Celebrity Deathmatch
203: Are You Ready to Get $40,000 in 6 Weeks with Only 8 Bucks???!!
204: Sonic Fights Robotnik 6: The Final Battle!
205: The Seminar
206: Inside the Void: King Acorn's Plight
207: The Neelix Claus Series part 1: The Neelix Claus
208: The Neelix Claus Series part 2: Merry Christmas Mr. Chakotay
All can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k !
***SNEAK PEEK***
NEXT TIME ON SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000!
SFT1B SEASON ONE: THE SPECIAL EDITION!
---
>"The New Season"
>By Allison M. Fleury
---
>He knew if caught by the princess, he would be charged with, and indeed he had
committed,
>the crimes of murder, attempted murder, enslavement, child abuse, torture,
treason...
CROW: Burning his draft card, writing on the bathroom walls, stealing candy
from a baby,
parking in a loading zone...
---
> "It's Nagus's doing. When the energy from the Deep Power Stones was
released by that
>blasted hedgehog, the Void...popped... for lack of a better word, open."
CROW: It was in the microwave too long.
---
> "Now, both of you pathetic former leaders will serve me!"
MIKE: Tag! You're the leader!
---
All this and:
-Crow gets Paul Reiser's disease!
-The Satelite of Love crashes into the Mir!
-Mike escapes and Pearl puts a new recruit onto the Satelite!
-Pearl shoots the Satelite and it crashes into the ocean!
Plus new riffs and two brand new host segments never seen before!
It's episode 104: The New Season
THE SPECIAL EDITION
Next time on Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
Jim, that Mistie
(#90212)
"This is where the fish lives."
"I KNOW!"
"I'm cahmeeng!"
"You know you should transfer when your English teacher can only speak
Italian."