BATMAN & ROBIN SCRIPT MISTING (3/10)
Badger
>
> BRUCE
> Dr. Victor Fries Two time Olympic
> Decathelete. Nobel Prize winner in
> molecular biology.
CROW: Denture wearer.
> After his wife
> contracted a rare disease, McGregor's
> Syndrome,
TOM: Which you get from standing too near a plot device.
> he hoped to freeze her in
> cryogenic sleep until he could
> discover a cure. Here's where
> everything goes north.
MIKE: Oh, very sensitive, Brucie-poo!
>
> Alarms flash. A panel EXPLODES.
TOM: He shouldn't have used the spare panels off of the Star Trek
set.
> Fries is BLOWN into the
> vat of cryogenic solution.
>
> BRUCE
> That liquid is fifty below.
MIKE: Wholesale!
>
> Fries SCREEAMS, engulfed in the mists of the cryonic
> solution, his skin now frozen, bluish, his hair brittle,
> all but gone.
>
> DICK
> That's gotta hurt.
TOM: No, it gives one a feeling of soothing relief. OF COURSE IT
HURTS YOU MORON!
>
> BRUCE
> Somehow he survived. But the
> cryoslution mutated his body.
MIKE: You think!?!?!?!
>
>131 The display shows a turning schematic of Fries.
TOM <BRITISH>: And now a display of Mr. Freeze's(tm) naughty bits
. .
>
> DICK
> What happened to his wife?
CROW: Like he cares.
TOM: She settled down with Captain Cold after the Flash beat him
once too much.
>
> BRUCE
> Presumed dead. No one knows.
>
> The display now shows a turning Mr. Freeze. Compartments
> in both suit sleeves are highlighted, flashing diamond
> shapes within.
TOM: And clubs on his ankles.
>
> BRUCE
> He needs extreme cold to survive.
> His cryo-suit uses diamond enhanced
> lasers to keep him at zero degrees.
TOM: . . . of Kevin Bacon.
MIKE: Lasers? Oh, that's effective for creating cooling.
>
> DICK
> Let me get this straight.
CROW: Good luck . . .
> A
> brilliant citizen,
TOM: Or Mr. Freeze(tm).
> disfigured by a
> horrible accident, re-emerges as a
> psychotic super-villain bent on
> theft, revenge and destruction.
> You see a pattern here?
MIKE: Only that we did this last film.
>
> BRUCE
< Maybe it's something in the water.
>
> Bruce returns Dick's smile.
TOM: Here, you dropped this.
>
> BRUCE
> Well, if it's ice the iceman
> wants...Alfred!
>
>132 INT. COSTUME VALUT - CONTINUOUS
>
> Alfred stands near the costumes,
TOM: Becoming Butlerman!
> clutching a console, a
> man in intense pain.
MIKE: He saw the film too.
> He lets the wave subside, regains his
> composure.
>
>133 INT. BATCAVE - CONTINUOUS
>
> Alfred emerges as if nothing were wrong.
MIKE: But he read the script, so he's faking it!
>
> BRUCE
> I need the Wayne Diamonds.
CROW: He's going for the family jewels!
>
> DICK
> We gonna trap ourselves a snowman?
TOM <BATMAN>: No, build one, it's called art therapy!
>
> BRUCE
> Absolutely. Just as soon as you take
> ten hours training in the simulator.
TOM: So THAT'S what he calls it.
>
> DICK
> Woah, I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
> Don't go all protective on me. It
> won't happen again.
>
> BRUCE
> Dick, you were reckless. You could
> have been killed.
MIKE: And Bruce could have been what, mildly wounded.
>
> DICK
> I'm fine. See. Me. here. Alive.
MIKE: Dick alive. Jane alive. Spot alive.
> How are we gonna work together if
> you're never going to trust me?
>
> ALFRED
> How, indeed?
>
> Bruce stares at the two of them. He smiles a wry smile.
>
> BRUCE
> When did I become the bad guy?
TOM: When you replaced Val Kilmer, but I kind of blame Frank
Miller as well.
>
>134 INT. BACK STAIRCASE - WALKING
>
> Bruce and Alfred travel the winding stair that leads from
> the Batcave to the top of the house.
MIKE: The entrance changes with each actor . . .
>
> BRUCE
> He's over-eager, impulsive. I can't
> trust him not to get hurt.
>
> ALFRED
> Perhaps the truth is you don't
> really trust anyone.
MIKE: Perhaps you're plotting against me Alfred!
>
> BRUCE
> Don't tell me you're on his side.
> Again.
TOM <ROCKY>: Again!
>
> ALFRED
> Despite all your talents, you
> are still a novice in the ways of family.
CROW: With a capital 'F'
> Dick follows the same ends as you
ALL <LAUGH>
> but
> gets there by his own course. You
> must learn to trust him. For that
> is the nature of family.
MIKE: They have said more in one paragraph . . .
>
> They step through a doorway into...
>
>135 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
MIKE: The stairway to the Batcave goes to Alfred's bedroom.
TOM <BATMAN>: Sorry Alfred, sorry whoever you are! Just heading
for the Batcave!
>
> BRUCE
> I trust you, Alfred.
>
> Alfred seems oddly pained by Bruce's words.
>
> ALFRED
> But I shan't be here forever.
MIKE <ALFRED>: If I'm lucky.
>
> Bruce stares at Alfred a beat. But Alfred just smiles.
>
> ALFRED
> Good night, Master Bruce.
MIKE <ALFRED>: So this is it, I'm going to die.
>
>135A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - HALLWAY
>
> Bruce EXITS his butler's room. Looks to the end of the
> hallway.
>
>135B A YOUNGER BRUCE, no older than ten comes racing around
> the corner, trips, tumbling to the wooden floor. Another
> figure steps out behind him. ALFRED, decades younger,
MIKE: So only about 90 then.
> kneels
> by the boy, brushing off his knees, giving the boy comfort.
TOM: Southern Comfort!
CROW: Bruce is about twenty years younger, and Alfred is DECADES
younger?
>
>135C BACK TO SCENE
>
> BRUCE - CLOSE. Blinks away the images from the past,
CROW: Get away from me you pesky past!
> only the
> fragile ghosts of memory, moves off down the empty hallway.
>
>135D INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT
TOM: ALFRED'S NICKLES - DAY.
>
> Alfred sit at his computer, activates the screen. he
> lifts a CD, slips in into the disk drive, begins to TYPE.
MIKE <ALFRED>: Time to play "Porno Pirates From Pluto" CD-ROM
interactive.
>
> COMPUTER
> Override engaged. Copying protected
> files.
>
> Alfred lifts a micro-recorder.
>
> ALFRED
> Still unable to reach you. have
> vital information you must see...
MIKE <ALFRED>: Bruce is so flipping deranged, Mr. Jung.
>
>136 SCREEN - CLOSE. The files Alfred is copying. Batmobile
> design. Batsuit schematics. All downloading onto the small
> disk.
TOM: He's got one hell of a Zip drive!
>
>137 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN JUNGLE - PRISON MORTE - NIGHT
>
> A full moon shines over the hidden complex.
TOM: Put your pants back on, Dr. Woodrue!
>
>138 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB
>
> Woodrue stands at Pam's workstation, TALKING on his
> portable phone as he rifles through her research.
MIKE: Pow!
TOM: Blam!
>
> WOODRUE
> Yes, sir, I'm so pleased you won the
> bidding, Your Supreme Ruthlessness..
MIKE: Thank you Mr. Ming, or may I call you Merciless?
>
> (OVER) Bane SCREAMS in the distance.
CROW: Thank you sir, may I have another?
>
> WOODRUE
> We're making the final modifications
> on Bane right now.
TOM: You wanted the eight-track tape player, right?
> We'll have a
> thousand super soldiers out to you
> tomorrow by overnight mail...
>
>139 He hangs up. HOLD on a patch of ivy in the b.g. Perfectly
> still. Suddenly the leaves RUSTLE, as if being moved from
> beneath.
MIKE: Because they probably are . . .
>
> Woodrue turns as a figure BURSTS, fast, from beneath the
> brush.
TOM: Do not bring your evil here! Get out of the script!
>
> Magenta hair. Chlorophyll green eyes. Ravaged clothes
> revealing the form and demeanor of a goddess. The woman
> who was once Pamela Isley smiles, moves forward.
TOM: It's Swamp Thang!
>
> WOODRUE
> Dr. Isley? Pamela? You look great.
> Especially for a dead woman.
MIKE <WOODRUE>: I prefer them dead, you know . . .
>
> PAMELA
> Hello, Jason. I think I've had a
> change of heart.
>
> Her lips glisten. She leans in and kisses him.
ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
MIKE: So whatever happened to her reduced her sense of taste . . .
>
> PAMELA
> Quite literally. I don't think I'm
> human anymore. The animal-plant
> toxins had a rather unique effect on
> me. They replaced my blood with
> alone, my skin with chlorophyll and
> fill my lips with Venom.
CROW: Exposition for fun and profit.
TOM: So if you have sunburn, rub Uma Thurman over your body.
MIKE: That'd make ME feel better.
>
> Woodrue begins to CHOKE. He falls, clutching his throat.
>
> PAMELA
> Oh, and Jason? One other thing.
> Silly me, I probably should have
> mentioned this earlier. I'm poison.
> (shrugs)
> It's a jungle in here.
>
>140 Pam spills beakers of chemicals onto the floor.
ALL <AS BEAKER:> MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee
> She
> throws a Bunsen burner to the ground, the lab suddenly in
> flames.
>
> PAMELA
> Let the flames touch the sky.
MIKE: 'Scuse me while I touch the sky!
> For I
> am nature's arm, her spirit, her
> will.
TOM: Her toenails.
CROW: Her buttocks.
MIKE: Her left ankle.
> Hell, I am mother nature.
> The time has come for plants to take
> back the world so rightfully ours.
> Because it's not nice to fool with
> mother nature.
>
> Something catches Pam's eye.
MIKE: And rips it from the socket.
> Pam lifts a broken beaker
> On it, the Wanye Enterprises logo. (OVER) Bane SCREAMS
> in the distance.
>
> PAMELA
> Coming, Bane darling. We've got a
> plane to catch.
>
>141 EXT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT
CROW <TOM>: Mmmmmmmmmm. Ice cream!
>
> An abandoned ice cream factory built in the shape of a
> snowman's face, a dripping cone stuck onto the giant
> snowball head.
TOM: They offed Frosty!
>
>142 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY
>
> Abandoned. Always freezing. Ice sculpture everywhere.
> Freeze walks the bowels of the old factory.
ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!
TOM: Wait, if he's here, it's not abandoned!
MIKE: Where do they get the electricity? Or is Gotham(tm) Electric
REALLY incompetent?
>
> ICEMEN in parkas and SNOW BUNNIES eat frozen dinners,
> GUFFAWING as they watch TV. The SEXIEST BUNNY sidles up
> to Freeze.
MIKE: She's the sexiest bunny of them all.
TOM AND CROW: Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!
>
> BUNNY
> Freezy, I'm feeling...hot.
MIKE: Down, Thumper, down!
>
> FREEZE
> I find that unlikely.
>
> BUNNY
> Okay, my hair is brittle, my skin
> is dry and I don't care. I'd
> weather blizzards to have you.
> You're the most perfect man I've
> ever known.
MIKE: What standards does this woman use?!?!
>
> FREEZE
> To be frozen. To never change. A
> life of perpetual ice-olation.
> There is little perfection in that.
>
> BUNNY
> (pushing closer)
> What say we turn up the heat?
MIKE: What say we turn up the writing?
>
> FREEZE
> You're skating on thin ice. My
> passion thaws for my bride alone.
>
> BUNNY
> Forget your frosty femme. These lips
> are wet and ready to get frostbite.
ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!
>
> FREEZE
> Hop away little bunny. Before I
> cool your jets. Permanently.
>
> The Bunny storms off.
TOM: What's wrong with this picture?
MIKE: Everything, Tom, everything!
>
> FREEZE
> I wonder how cold I can get my
> shower...Frosty!
>
> Freeze's faithful aide, FROSTY, appears by his side.
TOM: Happy Birthday!
>
> FREEZE
> Everyone is always having a good
> time. Except me.
MIKE: And the audience.
> Try as I might,
> can find no pleasure.
TOM: We can relate.
> Perhaps my
> heart truly has turned to ice.
>
>143 Freeze lifts his gun and FIRES, freezing Frosty solid.
>
> FREEZE
> Well, that was fun. There's hope for
> me yet.
MIKE: No there's not.
>
>143A Freeze stares at his frozen aide a beat, changes the
> setting on his gun and FIRES, a THAWING BEAM melting
> Frosty so he stands now, soaked and dripping like a wet cat.
CROW: Meow!
>
>143B Freeze turns on his heel. Frosty follows him past
> mounting files of research. Scrawled schematics An icy
> workshop.
MIKE: Where he makes toys for all the bad little girls and boys.
>
> FREEZE
> Do you think I'm mad, Frosty?
TOM <FROSTY>: I think you're pissed.
>
> FROSTY
> (wringing out his sleeves)
> That's really a judgment call, boss.
TOM: I vote mad.
CROW: Me to.
MIKE: And me.
>
>144 OMITTED
>
>145 A flashing display on his suit watch reads LOW POWER.
>
> FREEZE
> Battling the bat exhausted my power.
>
> From a safe, Freeze takes three small diamonds,
MIKE: Two turtledoves.
TOM AND CROW: And a partridge in a pear tree.
> place
> them in the suit compartment. His power levels spike to
> normal.
TOM: In the end zone!
>
> FREEZE
> But I was successful nevertheless.
>
>146 Freeze continues to a pedestal atop which sits a machine
> powered by two giant diamonds.
CROW: Powered? Are they running on a treadmill?
> Slots for two more diamonds
> are empty. He removes the giant stolen diamond from within
> his tunic, place the gem in an empty third slot.
>
> FREEZE
> One more giant diamond of this size
> and my freezing cannon will be
> complete.
MIKE: Sure it will.
> I will hold Gotham ransom.
> Unless the city bows to my demands,
> it's winter forever here in goat-town.
CROW: And never Christmas.
TOM: Goat town?
> The city fathers will have no choice
> but to give me the billions I need
> to complete my research,
CROW: What does he know about city finances?
> to find the
> cure for...
TOM: The movie.
>
>146 Freeze has come to a frozen wall.
MIKE: And so has the plot.
>
> FREEZE
> Leave us. We need quality time.
>
>147 OMITTED
>
>148 As Frosty EXITS in the b.g., Freeze enters a walk-in
> freezer, lifts a frozen dinner box. A SECRET VAULT opens.
> Freezes steps into...
TOM: Gomez Adam's vault!
CROW: Babushka!
>
>148A INT. FREEZE'S SUBTERRANEAN COLD VAULT
>
> Within, a computerized glacier-like sarcophagus bears his
> frozen wife, a snowflake pendant around her neck.
MIKE: I hope she's wearing more - unless she looks like Maria
Shriver!
>
> FREEZE
> (touches the glass)
> Soon we will be together once more.
>
> Freeze turns towards his research, heading back to work.
>
> FREEZE
> Nothing frustrates a man like a
> frigid wife.
MIKE: Funny. Ha.
TOM: Come on, let's take a break.
[THEY EXIT]
[BRIDGE OF SOL. MIKE, CROW, AND TOM ENTER]
MIKE: <SIGHS>
CROW: <SIGHS>
TOM:<SIGHS>
MIKE: <LOOKS AT CROW>
CROW: <LOOKS AT MIKE>
MIKE and CROW: <SIGH>
MIKE: <LOOKS AT TOM>
TOM: <LOOKS AT MIKE>
MIKE and TOM: <SIGH>
TOM: <LOOKS AT CROW>
CROW: <LOOKS AT TOM>
TOM and CROW: <SIGH>
ALL: <SIGH>
[MOVIE SIGN LIGHTS FLASH. THE CREW DEJECTEDLY HEADS FOR THE THEATER]
[SOL THEATER. MIKE AND COMPANY SLOUCH INTO THE THEATER]
>
>149 INT. LIMBO - NIGHT
CROW: Limbo, limbo, limbo!
>
> Robin is fighting Mr. Freeze and his cronies. Robin
> delivers a fast set of spinning kicks to the Thugs,
> felling them like toys.
MIKE: Unfortunately, Weebles, so they pop back up!
>
>150 A Thug carrying a large diamond breaks free, racing away.
TOM: Thugs in "Breaking Away!"
> Robin leaps for the escaping Thug, putting his back to
> Freeze.
>
>151 Freeze raises his joined fists high above Robin's head,
> coming down fast. Robin is done for.
CROW: We should hope . . .
>
>152 Suddenly Batman swing out of the dark,
MIKE: And out of the closet.
> his boots flying
> into Freeze's chest,
TOM: Barefooted, he skids into a corner.
> sending the villain hard to the
> ground.
>
>153 Batman drops to Freeze's chest, HAMMERS a series of
> punches into his tunic, rendering him unconscious.
TOM: So Batman(tm) knocked himself unconscious? Did he hit
Freeze(tm) with his head?
> Batman
> looks up at Robin.
>
>154 BATMAN
> We'll be starting again now.
MIKE: So just keep dancing . . .
>
>155 Just then Freeze's hand shoots up, grabbing Batman by the
> throat.
>
>156 BATMAN
> Pause virtual reality simulation.
>
> PUSH IN as Batman reaches towards his cowl. SCREEN WIPES
> TO REVEAL...
TOM: The writer, going "Ahhhh, I'll just do this."
>
>157 BRUCE WAYNE - CLOSE. Pulls off a pair of VR goggles.
CROW: My gosh, Bruce Wayne is Batman(tm)!
TOM: Oh, and I thought it was Billy Batson(tm)!
>
> WIDER
CROW: Bigger!
TOM: Smaller!
MIKE: Patheticer . . .
>
> Bruce and Dick, also in VR goggles, stand on an empty
> platform in the back of the Batcave.
>
> DICK
> I got the diamond. Quell problemo, Bruce?
MIKE <GOMEZ>: Oh, Dicky, you spoke Spanish . . .
>
> BRUCE
> You left your back wide open.
MIKE: Uh-huh.
> Freeze
> could have killed you.
TOM <ROBIN>: If I was lucky . . .
>
>158 Dick demonstrates a spinning back kick that would have
> dropped Freeze in his tracks.
>
> DICK
> I had it covered.
CROW: Good. You were in public.
>
> (OVER) A doorbell RINGS.
MIKE: Arhkam calling!
>
> DICK
> You know, in the circus, The Flying
> Graysons were a team. We had to
> trust each other. We had to count
> on each person to do his part. That's
> what being partners is all about.
TOM: That's how come they all died at the same time.
> (loud)
> End simulation.
MIKE: The movie is over!
>
>159 Ambient lights come up in the cave.
CROW: Followed by ambient music!
>
>160 DICK
> Sometimes counting on someone else
> is the only way to win.
>
> (OVER) the doorbell RINGS again.
MIKE: Arhkam calling!!!!!
>
> DICK
> (puzzled)
> Where's Al?
TOM: Talking to Sam.
>
> Dick heads for the door.
>
> BRUCE
> (following)
> Couldn't we just for once pretend
> that I'm the teacher and you're the
> student?
TOM: No, you wanted to play Civil War Veteran and Southern Belle!
>
>162 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER - AFTERNOON
>
> Columns of dancing sunlight fill the giant entryway. Dick
> goes to the front door as Bruce meets Alfred emerging in
> the b.g.
>
> ALFRED
> I must have dozed off. My sincerest
> apologies, sir.
CROW: I was reading the script, I couldn't help myself.
>
> BRUCE
> No apology necessary. That's the
> first time in thirty years.
MIKE: I don't think it's our dirty minds here guys, this is all
pretty sick . . .
>
> Bruce smiles, but he can't take his eyes off Alfred.
TOM: He looks great for his age.
> The
> butler seems pale, older than usual.
TOM <ALFRED>: Miss Kyle dropped by, I put on the cowl and
pretended . . .
>
> DICK
> Mystery pizza delivery?
ALL: No, Mystery Science Theater!
>
>163 Dick opens the door. A young girl stands in the autumn
> light, beautiful, dressed in prim, schoolgirl clothes,
TOM: Moon Prism Power Activate!
CROW: Tom, don't ever scare me like that again.
MIKE: Yeah, at this rate I'm surprised they haven't brought in
batgirl.
> BARBARA WILSON.
MIKE: Yaaaah!!!!
TOM: Nice call, Mike. Forgot Alicia Silverstone was in this
turkey, dind'cha?
MIKE: Wilson? What happened to Gordon?!
>
> DICK
> Please be looking for me.
CROW: There aren't many good lines, but he's got them.
>
> BARBARA
> I'm so sorry to trouble you, but-
TOM: Can I use my precocious martial arts skills and the fact that
I look good in leather to fight crime?
---------------------------------------------------------------
BADGER
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