MiSTing: book ads 2/3

[a.ca...@genie.geis.com]

[Continued from part 1]

Mike: Uh-oh. Here comes the next ad.

>The HOW TO Mart Presents...
>How To Dump Your Wife!

Crow: Wait a minute! We just =did= this one! Dr. Forrester must've
pushed the wrong button.
Mike: The last one didn't mention "The HOW TO Mart", Crow. I think this
is a =different= book called HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE.
Tom: Yeah, Crow. I mean, the divorce rate in this country's only 50%.
In school that'd be an "F"! We've got to get those stats up! The more
how-to books, the better!

>Without Losing Your Shorts
>or your kids!

Mike: See, definitely different. The last one didn't have a subtitle.
Tom: Oh, they have to have subtitles now to avoid copyright problems. You
know, like OJ Simpson's book: "HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE (and the Nearest
Waiter)".

>
>Lori Mack is a woman who doesn't hate men!

Crow: That's good enough for me! Lori, will you marry me?

>In fact, she understands
>that in America today men don't have

Mike: --the raw, animal masculinity they had forty years ago. Damn
Women's Lib. Where's Robert Bly when you need him?

>a chance to be treated fairly in
>a divorce. In some states up to 80% of men involved in a divorce are
>accused of child abuse. This just isn't true,

Tom: Oh, there's some sterling rhetorical strategy! Cite a statistic,
then admit it isn't true! Yeesh.

>but to be accused is
>to be guilty in the eyes of the courts.

Crow: Just ask Oliver Nor-- oh, wait.

>
>Lori Mack will show you how to fight back!
>
>How To Dump Your Wife! will show you:
>
>how to survive an ugly divorce,
>how to protect your children,
>how to stay out of jail,

Tom: Unless you're Joey Buttafuoco. Then it's hopeless.

>what states are "men friendly"

Crow: I hear that in certain neighborhoods of San Francisco the men are
=really= friendly.

>how to wake up your lawyer,

Mike: Instead of waking up =with= your lawyer, which is what usually
happens.

>how to enforce your rights,
>much, much, more!

Tom: Yeah, but does it tell you how to hide your money? I need to hide
my money!

>
>This book could save you thousands of dollars, but most importantly, How
>To Dump Your Wife! could save your relationship with your children.

Mike: Oh, come on. The only way to do that is to make sure they get to
age eleven and then stay there.

>
>Order the book, How To Dump Your Wife!, today, and protect yourself,
>your assets and your kids from a legal system stacked against you.
>
>Thanks, and enjoy!

Tom: Whoa! Suddenly it's an Icehouse commercial.

>
>To order just mail your check for $29.95 to:

Mike: $29.95? For that price I could get the other book and a big
sandwich besides.

>The HOW TO Mart
>Dump Your Wife!
>11719 Meridian East
>Suite 365
>Puyallup, WA 98372

Crow: Washington again. What is it about Washington that makes men want
to dump their wives?
Mike: It's something to do besides slashing your wrists.

[Commercials]

Tom: Halfway home, guys. Here comes the next one.

>HOT OFF THE PRESS!!
>HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY REUNION by Elsie G. Holloman

Crow: Step one: dump your wife. She'll just make trouble.

>
>Times have changed. These days you are lucky if your kids live in the same
>state, your cousins in the same country.

Crow: Unless you live in Appalachia, in which case chances are you'll find
them in the same bed.
Mike: Or unless you live in the Ozarks, in which case chances are you'll
find them in the mirror.
Crow: Huh? I don't get it.
Mike: Think about it.

>However, ease of travel and
>communication, while leading to the dissipation of the extended family,

Tom: Especially Uncle Earl. He's =really= dissipated.

>have also made it relatively simple to organize a family reunion. The
>practicalities of such an arrangement are tackled in a new book by Elsie G.
>Holloman. In HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY REUNION, the author shows,
>in exhaustive detail,

Mike: Chapter 208, section 12. Watermelon is a tasty treat for the whole
family! First, cut it into forty-eight slices, making one cut lengthwise,
one cut breadthwise, and eleven along the length of the melon. Make sure
each slice contains between fifteen and twenty-three seeds. Then arrange
on the plate following the pattern shown in figure 18A. Next--

>how to organize a gathering of clans.

Tom: We come together to overthrow the thane. MacDonald?
Crow: Aye.
Tom: MacArthur?
Mike: Aye.
Tom: MacKenzie?
Crow: McCloud?
Tom: Shut up! Shut up! You ruined my skit!

>
>This attention to detail is the books strength. If you are planning a
>family reunion there are enough ideas in HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY
>REUNION to keep you busy for a year.

Mike: Great. So when the kids cry, the teenagers sulk, the adults argue
and Grandpa complains about his rheumatism, you can reflect upon how
you've wasted a year instead of just a couple of weeks.

>
>Price: $12.95 | Shipping: $0 | Tax: 0%

Crow: Doh!
Mike: What, the price?
Crow: No, I just got the cousins-in-the-mirror joke.
Mike: Oh. [scratches his head violently] I've got to get this shampoo
out of my hair. Let's get out of here.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL. Tom and Crow are hanging out on the desk. Crow has a copy of HOW
TO DUMP YOUR WIFE in one hand and a copy of HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE! in the
other. There is no music. Mike comes in, drying his hair with a towel.]

Mike: Hey, looks like Gypsy finally got over that "Servo-Crowatian" thing.
Where is she, cleaning out the load pan bay?
Crow: Yeah, maybe. Mike, I've decided to dump Servo.
Tom/Mike: What?
Crow: Yup. I'm tired of him. It's not my fault. I just made a mistake
is all. I've already hidden my money, and I'm ready for a trophy bot.
Mike: He already looks kinda like a trophy.
Tom: Hey!
Crow: Don't try to talk me out of it. If it were Gypsy instead of me
you'd be cheering her on. All I need to do is find a lawyer who won't
feed off my pain.
Mike: Easy, thunder. Let me see if I can't help you two revive that spark.

[Mike heads offscreen. We hear the usual rummaging sounds: boxes being
opened, metal clinks and clangs. Soon Mike returns.]

Mike: This'll fix everything. [grabs Tom's head]
Tom: Hey! Wait! I wasn't =that= traumatized by the ads! Lemme go
lemme go lemme go--
Mike: I'm not going to beat your head against the desk. Hold still.

[Mike unscrews the red cap from Tom's head and replaces it with a cheap
plastic angel holding a torch. On his hoverskirt he sticks a golden
placard reading, "2ND PLACE, 33RD ANNUAL WISCONSIN SPELLING BEE."]

Crow: Why-- why, Tom! You're more beautiful than ever!
Tom: Bite me. I'm moving to the other side of the ship. [storms off]
Crow: Oh, no! Now what'll we do? We have to get him back!
Mike: Don't worry. [pulls out copy of HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY
REUNION] Even to space, the shipping was free!

[Yellow light flashes.]

Mike: We'll be right back. [hits button]

[Commercials]
[Concluded in part 3]