MSTed: In the Spirit 1/5
Mike zimbouski
[Disclaimers: This Usenet MiSTing takes place before episode 624: _Samson
vs. the Vampire Women_. What looks like a tribute can often be attributed to
laziness. And yeah, I know the Final Four references are hopelessly out of
date. Deal with it.]
[SOL. Mike, Tom and Gypsy are staring out the port window. Crow is off to
their left.]
Mike: I'm not sure we can see it from this angle.
Tom: It should be off to the left a bit.
[Gypsy starts bobbing up and down]
Gypsy: I see it! I see it! There it is...
Tom: Uh, Gypsy, that's a firefly on the window.
Gypsy: Ohhh...
[Mike turns around]
Mike: Come on, Crow, don't you want to see the comet?
Crow: Ah, phooey.
[All turn to him]
Tom: What do you mean, phooey? This is a once-in-a-lifetime interstellar
event!
Crow: Ah, spare me, Servo. Why you guys care so much about a giant snowball is
beyond me.
Tom: Well, aren't we just the incarnation of the Anti-Sagan today!
Mike: Yeah, Crow, where's your sense of wonder?
Crow: Aah, wonder-shmonder. It's a big chunk of ice! What's the big deal?
Tom: What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is. The big deal is
that I've been trapped up in this little space-ready dorm room for my entire
existence, and maybe, just maybe, I'd like to get a little taste of nature
through my optical sensors, instead of having all my knowledge plugged in
virtually!
Crow: Oh, sorry, I didn't know. Sure glad I'm not in your shoes.
Tom: <ignoring him> I don't care if it is a big chunk of ice to your cold,
unfeeling CPU, Crow. To me it's more than that. To me it's a symbol of the
unpredictable beauty of the universe. It's a defiant "So there!" that flies in
the face of any order or laws that nature tries to lay down. There's no reason
for comets to exist in the universe, but they do. Not only that, but they go
wherever they please, and answer to no master or set of rules!
Gypsy: You tell 'em, Tom!
Mike: Yeah, right on! <surreptitiously, to camera> Actually, most comets have
a fairly rigidized orbit that they keep to until they finally melt or
disintegrate. But there's really no need for Tom to know that.
Tom: You mean to tell me you don't find that inspiring, Crow?
Crow: Nertz.
Tom: Well, fine. You sit there like the killjoy you are. I'm going to scan the
sky for this comet, and when I see it I'll have a one-of-a-kind experience
with nature that you'll never be able to share. You know, Crow, I actually
pity you more than anything else. Because in the final analysis, you're
nothing but a--
[A bright flash of light comes in from the window, temporarily turning the
interior of the SOL white. Accompanying it is a loud Woosh, and the SOL is
rocked badly. Finally the light fades.]
Tom: What the hell was that!?
Crow: That would be your comet, eagle-eyes.
Tom: Oh no! <peers out window> Where is it?
Mike: It must have gone right past us. We'll never see it now.
Gypsy: Awww...
[Crow stifles a giggle. Tom turns to Crow]
Tom: Something funny, Beaker?
Crow: Hmm? Na-nothing. Nothing at all <tries to muffle giggles>
Tom: You! You--planned this! You fiend!
Crow: Now calm down, Tom, I was just testing a theory. And I was right;
reasoning creatures are always more captivated by creatures like themselves
than any phenomena nature can throw at them, no matter how wonderous. You
understand, right, Mike?
[Silence]
Crow: Gypsy? You see what I'm getting at, don't you? Don't you?
[All three start silently advancing on Crow.]
Crow: Hey, w-wha, guys, let's not lose our heads here! Come on, we're all
sentient lifeforms! We can discuss this!
[Mike absently taps the flashing "commercial sign" light as they continue to
advance on Crow. The asteroid logo appears onscreen]
Crow: <offscreen> Mike, I don't like that look in your eye...Waaagghh!
[Much crashing and clanking]
[Commercials]
[SOL. Parts of Crow are strewn throughout the room. His head is on the control
panel.]
Crow: You know, in some countries, this would be reason enough to place
someone before the War Crimes Tribunal.
Mike: Yeah, well, thankfully we've got our own independent state up here,
where the majority rules. How many of our citizens feel that what we have done
today was justifiable? I vote "Aye!"
Tom: Aye!
Crow: Nay!
Gypsy: Richard Basehart!
Crow: I guess that means she abstains.
Mike: Hold on a second, John and Abigail Adams are calling. [hits red button]
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking at the camera, chuckling to himself.]
Dr. F: Heh heh. Crow, I must say this--and I don't normally address robots in
this manner, mind you--but I like your style.
[SOL. Crow's head is still on the desk.]
Crow: Oh, thanks. I mean WAAAHHH!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You know, Crow, I'm beginning to wonder if you're not on the wrong end
of this transmission. You seem to have quite a knack for evil, and it really
comes quite easy once you get into the swing of it. Frank and I could always
use another hand down here.
[SOL]
Crow: Um...uh...that's, uh, very kind of you to offer, and all...but, ah, I
wouldn't want to, er, disturb the delicate balance of the experiments. Crucial
work, and all that. [sotto voce, to Mike and Tom] You guys, I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I just got carried away!
[Deep 13]
Dr F.: Yes. Well, perhaps it's just as well. [to Mike] Well, Twiki, do you, by
some wild cosmological coinicidence, have an invention to show us this week,
or are you going to cite your usual lack of reasoning facilites?
[SOL]
Mike: Actually, I did manage to whip something up this week.
[Deep 13. Frank has now joined Dr. F.]
Dr. F.: <unfeigned surprise> Really? Well, then, by all means, dazzle us with
your ingenuity. <aside, to Frank> This ought to be good. <Frank tries to
snicker derisively>
[SOL]
Mike: Let's face it; men fear the supermarket. There's really no getting
around it. I mean, all those aisles! Who can find anything? And there's tons
of screaming kids and harried wives, two species that any well-bred American
man fears. And the only really manly section of the whole store is the auto
parts aisle; everything else has to do with cooking, feminine hygiene, and
other emotionally emasculating activities. But the most insidious facet of the
supermarket is the grocery cart. There's something about that contraption of
steel and wheels that just screams "elderly woman behind the counter in a
small town." This is why you see men in the Express checkout lane, their arms
full to bursting with various and sundry items, barely managing to keep that
can of mushroom soup from slipping out of the crook of their elbow. <turns R.>
Bring it in, Gypsy.
[Gypsy backs into the shot, pulling with her mouth a grocery cart. It's
painted black, and it has extra thick sidebars with tongues of flame pitted on
them. Fastened to the left side is a black square with a design painted on it;
a heart with a knife through it.]
Mike: That's why we've invented...the Hell's Shoppers Grocery Cart.
Crow: Boss!
Mike: With this cart, you can shop freely, knowing that your manhood is
secure. And for those trips where you need a quart of milk as only a real man
can, there's now the Hell's Shoppers Grocery Basket. <puts a black plastic
basket on the console; it has a snake design on the side with the motto
"Semper Fidelis" carved underneath it]
Tom: Cool...
[Deep 13]
Frank: I wouldn't let any young'un of mine sit in the child's seat of one of
those monsters! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!
Dr. F: <looks at Frank with a pained expression, then continues> Well,
Mr. Walbaum, our invention this week is somewhat more grandiose. In fact, I
would go so far as to say this might be our finest accomplishment yet. Our
latest idea will play havoc with the infrastructure of the world and have
devastating,far-flung repercussions. Here's Frank, to explain further .
Frank: [holding up a small white bottle] Some months ago, I was in the local
Walgreen's, looking for a "Happy Take-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day" card for my
sister-in-law. As I made my way to the Hallmark aisle, I couldn't help but
notice the myriad of medicines that made up their stock. Well, I mean, they
had cures there for everything from hangnails to hemmorhoids to Joan
Osborne. But one thing that they were sadly lacking was a concoction that
would _induce_ disease. So I reported this to Dr. F, knowing [puts arm around
Dr. F] that he'd know what to do.
Dr. F: Thank you, Frank, and never touch me like that again. [Frank abashedly
removes his arm] And, of course, I knew exactly what needed to be done. [holds
up bottle] That's why I've created Viralent, the new instant virus medicine.
Take two of these coated tablets and be as sick as a panda in captivity for
two days. All the symptoms of a severe common cold, guaranteed to get you out
of that presentation you're not prepared for, the divorce hearing you can't
bear to face, or when you just feel the need to catch up on "Another World."
Frank: And now there's new Children's Chewable Viralent, for when you just
can't get that book report together on time.
[SOL. Mike is reassembling Crow.]
Mike: Uh, pardon my straightmanishness, guys, but what's so evil about that?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Oh, Carl Reiner, you're not thinking long-term! Imagine a world where
any responsiblity could be ducked simply by a swallow and a glass of water!
The workforce collapses as nothing gets accomplished! The educational system
falls into ruin as kids everywhere have an ironclad alibi for their low SAT
scores! Before long, society itself will decay into illiterate, shiftless
disrepair...and only I will remain to rise from the ashes and remake the world
in my image!
Frank: Oh, Dr. Forrester! And will I be there by your side?
Dr. F: You will, Frank, you will. In the meantime, we'll have to content
ourselves with creating our own little slice of hell. [to Mike] Your
experiment this week is two posts from the newsgroup alt.buddha.short.fat.guy.
Now I know what you're thinking; you're saying to yourself: "absfg? Is
Dr. Forrester getting soft on us?" The answer, my little moppets, is no, no,
no. Although absfg is well-known to be one of the most disgustingly Elysian
newsgroups on Usenet, lately there has actually been a healthy influx of evil
flourishing there. These two posts will give you an idea of what I mean. Bite
down hard, McMurphy.
[SOL. Mike is reattaching Crow's head to his almost-complete body]
Tom: Ok, motion on the floor; Dr F. has finally flipped his electric-shock
wig. All in favor?
Crow: Aye!
Gypsy: Aye!
Mike: Ay-yi-yi--we've got POSTING SIGN!
[Lights, noises, Mike hits the button. 6...5...4...3...2...1]
From news.bu.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!spool.mu.edu!news.nd.edu!chi-news.cic.
net!news.math.psu.edu!
Mike: This must be some of that new math everyone's been talking about.
winken.llnl.gov!nntp.coast.net!howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!newsfeed.
internetmci.com!
Mike: Uh-oh.
Tom: What?
Mike: I think Dr. F's put us on that Friends and Family thing.
Crow: Dear God, no!
netnews1.nwnet.net!news.u.washington.edu!uw-beaver!uw-coco!nwnews.wa.com!
news1.halcyon.com!coho.halcyon.com!anon
From: an...@coho.halcyon.com (SABSA)
Newsgroups: alt.buddha.short.fat.guy
All: Yaaayy!!! <applause and whistles>
Subject: Re: Way Only The To With Terrorism Deal
Crow: Oh, hello Mr. Terrorist Person with the deal and the thing and...
Date: 16 Mar 1996 00:19:19 GMT
Organization: Northwest Nexus, Inc. - Professional Internet Services
Lines: 67
Crow: Oh, dearie, you put some cold cream on those lines and they'll just
disappear.
Message-ID: <4id1e7$i...@news1.halcyon.com>
References: <4ht691$o...@news-s01.ca.us.ibm.net> <Do4vo...@world.std.com>
Crow: If I get an STD from this post, I'm suing Dr. Forrester for every penny
he's got.
<4i68jn$8...@news.halcyon.com> <4i7548$5...@news1.halcyon.com>
<4iai8e$3r...@lamar.ColoState.EDU>
NNTP-Posting-Host: coho.halcyon.com
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
Do you want to see my collection of
Mike: Scabs?
Tom: Toenail juice?
Crow: <hurlmphs> You guys are sick.
intimidating "anonymous" e mails from Chris Christian? Or is the fact that she
said that "she coudl find out
Tom: I had coudl the last time I was in that Mediterranean restaurant on
Fourth St. Too greasy for me.
where I live" and has a skull and crossbones on her homepage
Mike: Wow, this chick sounds cool! You got her number, dude?
regarding me or the fact that she harasses me at my work insufficient as an
"implied threat". You know what an implied threat is, dont you?
Crow: No! I mean yes!
Mike: Aw, come on, Miss Grundy, you said there wasn't going to be a quiz!
Do you know that I
have more than enough information from Chris to get a restraining order
in this state? And the only difficulty is the cross-state issue?
Mike: Well, you've got the cross-state issue, you've got your zoning laws, and
then there's the inevitable kickbacks...
Have you heard of stalking?
Crow: [Minnesotan] Oh, you know there's nothing I love so much as a good
celery stalk after dinner--
Tom: Oh, with a little salt on it?
Mike: You know, once in a while, just to give myself a little treat, I put a
little peanut butter on mine.
Crow: Oh, you precious thing!
[continued in part 2]
--
"Destroy your safe and happy lives before it is too late." --Mekons
"We are experiencing sensational difficulties."--Marcy's Threshhold
"Don't kill yourself 'cause people can't deal with your brilliance"--Kaia
http://acs4.bu.edu:8001/~truth