MiSTed: Stolen Memories (26/29)

[Rottweiler]

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Part 8 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_
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[SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their seats.]

> Article 232 of 418
>
> Subject: 1st POST

CROW: To drive us insane.

> - Stolen Memories 8/9 (pre-DS9)
> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/11
> Message-Id: <5b78mt$a...@the-fly.zip.com.au>
> Organization: The Zipsters
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> WARNING -NC-17- FICTION: This story contains sex scenes.
> If reading about teen sex offends read no further.
> If not read on and enjoy.
>
> The Ed, Red.

TOM: (singing) Red Skyes at night, Red Skyes at night...

> ===============================================================
>
>
>
> Stolen Memories :
> Part Eight

MIKE: At long last, we finally get around to the instructions for the
caulking gun you purchased.

> Alis returned to the hut after a days hunting to
> discover that Julian had been very busy.

CROW: There were finger paintings EVERYWHERE.

> There were posts
> staked out in a semi circle around the hut, and vines
> piled up nearby.

TOM: (Alis) Oh, isn't that sweet? Julian's planning another one of his
cute little pagan rituals!

> After surveying his work, it didn't take
> long for Alis to work out what it was that Julian planned
> to build construct.

CROW: How do you build construct something?
MIKE: First you plan design it, then gather collect materials, and
finally
assemble manufacture it.

> In the spirit of co-operation she
> dumped the animals carcasses she had returned with into
> the food pit before returning to the wilderness to find
> more wood for the purpose of completing the fence.

CROW: This must be her version of "whatever's in the fridge" casserole.

>
> Alis found more vines at the camp site than there
> had been earlier when she returned, but of Julian, there
> was still no sign.

MIKE: In summary - more vines, no signs.

> She decided to sink the posts in place
> and rested for a while, having a meal before skinning the
> animals and placed their carcasses in the fire pit.

CROW: (Alis) Gee, it's nice to be home after that Carribean cruise.

> By the time Julian eventually returned, Alis was
> gone into the wilderness, once more, there to collect
> more stakes and vines, and if it should cross her path,
> game for hide and meat.

MIKE: Hide and seek?

> All through that day and the night that followed
> Alis worked bringing back vines, animals and slithers,

TOM: (singing) And shells and fish and Tinkertoys and wi-ine...

> returning to add the vines to the pile, and skin the
> animals.

CROW: (singing) Whistle while you work, Julian's a jerk...

> Throughout the next day, she worked collecting
> fruit, game, and vines for Julian's construction.

MIKE: So bananas and Risk sets are the ultimate building materials?

> He
> worked throughout the day, constructing his fence.

TOM: Oh, dear God, what sin have I committed to deserve this penance?!?
MIKE: I don't know, but I feel like converting to Gnosticism.

> But,
> by the time she returned to the hut curl up in bed and
> catch up on her sleep,

CROW: She'd forgotten how it was done.

> he was gone again, and had yet to
> return when she prepared to leave.

TOM: This is what happens when a couple works different shifts.

> Alis prepared a meal and waited for his return,

MIKE: She put the meal in the middle of a steel trap and hoped Julian
would
take the bait.

> as
> she had much to say to him before she left,

CROW: No good news has ever come from that phrase.

> but, the sun
> was falling and she could wait no longer for him.

TOM: She had to warn Chicken Little.

> With no
> time left to wait, she ate a solitary meal, and covered
> the other, leaving it where Julian would find it.

MIKE: (Alis) Next to a stack of Hustlers. (grumble, grumble)

> She
> also left a note, lashed to the wall, to tell him where
> she was.

TOM: And exactly what he could do with his pointy sticks.

> **************************************************

CROW: (singing) Oh, say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave...

>
> For three weeks, Alis followed the river, trying to
> find the first mothers temple,

MIKE: But all she found was the first mother's navel.

> this lead her to a fork in
> the river and she was forced to chose between one
> direction and the next.

TOM: (Art Fern) Yes, friends, take the fork in the river to the San
Diego
River to the Santa Monica River to the Schlaussen
Cut-off!
Get out of your boat...
ALL: Cut off your Schlaussen...
TOM: (Art Fern) Get back in your boat and row 842 miles until you come
to
the giant neon temple!

> It took her two weeks to come to the end of the
> river and realise it was newly formed,

CROW: Through the merger of Time and Warner.

> probably as a
> result of the recent flash flooding.

MIKE: Or as a result of Pinhead sleeping on a waterbed.

> She backtracked till
> she reached the fork once again, and followed the other
> branch. As with the first, this branch of the river came
> to an end too,

TOM: To solve the mission, you have to return to the guys that sent you
and
say "Very Funny. Ha, ha."

> only this one ended in a landscaped
> moat around a temple made of glistening marble and
> scintillating crystal which seemed to be surrounded by a
> intense light, caused by the sun rays being bounced off
> the faceted crystal.

CROW: Xanadu, stately home of Robert Schuller.

> Alis approached, and explored to discover there was
> no bridge

MIKE: Then how will Gandalf fight the balrog?

> across the moat and no boat for crossing. When
> she dipped her foot into the water to test it,

TOM: A piranha tore it off.

> she found
> it cold enough to make swimming the moat a foolhardy
> exercise.

CROW: Normally, water in a tropical forest would be warm enough to swim
in,
but the temple's air conditioner is on the fritz.

> As she could not cross it, she sat on the edge
> of the moat, wondering how she could reach the other
> side.

MIKE: Finally, she consulted an expert - the chicken.

> Night fell, and so did she,

TOM: And so did Mrs. Fletcher.

> into a deep sleep,
> filled with dreams.

CROW: Then Freddy Kreuger showed up, and...

> She dreamed of Julian, building a
> shelter back at the camp.

TOM: (singing) I dream of Julian with the long black hair...

> And when she awoke, she knew
> how she reach the temple.

MIKE: (Alis) I'll use Julian as a bridge!

> She returned to the wilderness, and back to the
> moat, over and over with vines and thick branches.

CROW: Oh. We're back to THIS, are we? Anybody up for a game of Go
Fish?

> During
> the next week, she lashed the branches into a raft
> capable of supporting her weight.

MIKE: That must be one hell of a raft, considering she's built like
Orson
Welles.
TOM: Woah, time out. The average moat measures approximately 20 meters
across, and she needs a RAFT?

> When it was done, she
> returned to the wilderness, she knew she needed one more
> thing,

CROW: Silly String, and lots of it.

> but it took her another weeks searching before she
> found it.

MIKE: (Alis) Where did I put those black Givenchy pumps?!?

> A long thick branch that was three times her
> height.

CROW: (Alis) Screw the raft. I'll just polevault over.

> It took her half the day to drag her pole back to
> the moat, and then onto her raft,

TOM: She needs a sail? What, is the temple located on Alcatraz? Does
she
think she's Cuban?
MIKE: Tom!
TOM: It's a MOAT, not the freaking Erie!

> and once there, she
> pushed it over the edge, and let it sink, till it hit
> bottom.

CROW: Alis stood idly by while the branch drowned its problems in booze.

> The pole barely reached her ear level. Pushing
> off, she used the pole to steer her raft across the moat.

TOM: (singing) Oh, solo meow...

> ***************************************************

MIKE: It's _Stolen Memories_! Starring Sean Connery!
CROW: Robert DiNiro!
TOM: Jack Nicholson!
MIKE: Michael Douglas!
CROW: Sidney Portier!
TOM: Jackie Chan!
MIKE: Sylvester Stallone!
CROW: Bruce Willis!
TOM: Harrison Ford!
MIKE: Uma Thurman!
CROW: James Earl Jones!
TOM: Patrick Stewart!
MIKE: Sandra Bullock!
CROW: Madonna!
TOM: Jodie Foster!
MIKE: Tom Cruise!
CROW: Whoopi Goldberg!
TOM: And that's just a third of the stars in this incredible production!

>
> Alis strode boldly into the temple to find a woman
> of age with her, dressed in pure black robes,

MIKE: Emperor Palpatine had a sex change.

> with the
> mark of the goddess repeated over and over in bands along
> the hem and seams.

CROW: Repeating things over and over - the hallmark of _Stolen
Memories_.

> It was Alis opinion that the woman she
> saw was a priestess.

TOM: Pope Leo?
MIKE: Pope Sylvester?
CROW: Pope Felix?

> "Welcome to the temple, kittling."

CROW: Who's her dialouge coach, Kai Winn?

> "I am no kittling, I am an adult," Alis said,
> bristling.

MIKE: Ooh, she's hitting that rebellious stage.

> "An adult does not run from her troubles,

TOM: An adult does not run from River City.

> an adult
> faces them."

CROW: And if that doesn't work, an adult calls her lawyer.

> Alis didn't have a clue as to what the priestess was
> talking about.

MIKE: (Alis) I risk my life to get here and you give me life lessons
stolen
from fortune cookies?!?

> She had always faced her problems head on.

TOM: (Alis) Well, there was the time my sister kidnapped my boyfriend I
didn't do a thing about it. But that wasn't a problem.

> "The home you have built with your consort in my
> garden is facing your problems head on?"

CROW: (falsetto) You kids stop fooling around in my beans!

> Alis blanched under her fur falling to her knees
> before the first mother,

TOM: Who is apparently a Psi Cop.

> in supplication, mortified that
> she hadn't realised who she was from the start.

MIKE: Don't blame yourself, Alis. Ruth Buzzi looks really different in
person.

> "First Mother."

CROW: First Knight.
MIKE: First Wives Club.
TOM: Number One.

> From her robes the woman produced a scroll and
> handed it to Alis.

CROW: (falsetto) Santa faxed me this. It's a list of which children are
naughty and which are nice.

> "Take this, study it, it is my law - uncorrupted by
> those who presume to know what my wishes are and
> interpret my words to suit their own purposes."

MIKE: That was almost as subtle as a tactical nuke.

> Alis took the scroll, puzzled.

CROW: (Alis) I risked my life for a NEWSPAPER?

> "You will understand, my kit, now go, or the one
> who's life you asked me to watch over will die."

TOM: Uh, story? Isn't she supposed to get a blessing first? I seem to
recall something about that.

> Alis scrambled to her feet.
> "How?"

ALL: Scrambled.

> "One hunts him."

TOM: (Alis) But you're "One."
CROW: (falsetto) I've decided to reveal my plans, Bond villian style.

> "I killed the wilderbeast."

MIKE: But I did not shoot the deputy.

> "It is a beast, but one that walks on two legs and
> calls itself kin.

TOM: Psst! It's spelled "Kzin"!

> And it is ones such as this who you
> must stand against.

MIKE: In the buffet line at the family reunion.

> No longer can you stand aside, and
> let them do as they will, because those they act against
> are men.

CROW: If they're acting against Pauly Shore and Carrot Top, I say more
power to 'em.

> Study my laws well, kit,

TOM: (falsetto) For the bar exam is next week.

> for things you dream
> about can only be achieved if one such as yourself is
> strong enough to speak out, stand up to and face those
> who corrupt my laws to excuse their perverted pleasures.

MIKE: But enough about the ACLU...

> It is up to you to end the suffering that is taking place
> through out the empire every hour of every day, and even
> now while we speak."

CROW: (Alis) Why do I feel like I'm talking to a burning bush?

> "First mother.."

TOM: Then father.

> "Tell me not, that you can't stop what disgusts and
> sickens you, kit.

MIKE: She can't stop Julian from walking around naked?

> For a change to take place, someone has
> to be willing to defy convention and tradition.

CROW: But without tradition, we are all like a cat on a hot tin roof.

> Someone
> others respect.

TOM: So Rodney Dangerfield is not an option.

> Someone like you, the Prime Heir of the
> Supreme Ruler of the Empire.

MIKE: And captain of the tennis team.

> Someone no one will have the
> power to censure for her choices."

CROW: It's deja vu all over again.

> "That's what Julian said."
> "If a *mere* manling can see what must be done, why
> can't you, kit?"

TOM: (falsetto) You could learn a lot from a dummy.

> Alis had no answer, she was given no time to form
> one,

MIKE: Is she taking her SAT's?

> the woman vanished before her eyes, in less time
> than it would take to blink.

CROW: Poof, be gone.

> ***********************************************

TOM: Now, to wrap these around the Paramount logo...

>
> Alis trek

MIKE: Was a fairly weak spinoff, but showed some promise during the
second
season.

> back to the hut took her several weeks.

CROW: (Chelmite) You see, if it takes you four weeks to get to a temple,
it
it must take eight weeks to get back.
MIKE: How's that?
CROW: Well, it takes four months to get from Chanukah to Pesach, but it
takes eight months to get from Pesach to Chanukah. It's simple
Talmudian logic.

> Due to the savage natures of the beasts which roamed the
> wilderness

TOM: Parental discretion is advised.

> she chose to move through the night,

MIKE: When the muggers came out.

> and rest
> during the day, high in the branches of the sturdiest
> tree she could find on each new days dawning.

TOM: (singing) Good morning, starshine. Felistia says hello...
CROW: I think Alis is the kitten in a tree that Johnny Mathis is as
helpless as.

> To pass the hours until night fell at end of each
> day Alis would study the scroll the goddess had given
> her.

MIKE: (Alis, reading) UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.

> She realised that she held everything she needed to
> make her dreams for a life with Julian in her hands,

TOM: A used Kleenex and a pack of LifeSavers?

> if
> only she could find the courage to stand up before the
> clan councils and use it.

CROW: You have to admit, burly men in kilts ARE pretty intimidating.

> She didn't think she had that
> much courage.

MIKE: She's the Cowardly Lion-like Alien.

> Reading the First Mothers laws, she saw the saw

TOM: I know my rights, I know the law! What I say I saw I saw!

> the
> similarities to the very same laws she'd been indoctrined
> with since kithood but the laws she'd been taught were,
> as the Goddess had said, corrupted,

CROW: That's what happens when the Mafia draws up your Constitution.

> they gave men no
> rights, whether or not they were intelligent like Julian.

MIKE: Which Julian is she referring to? She can't mean that sack of
hammers back at the hut.

> Alis constantly wondered how could she make the
> clans turn their backs on the laws they had they changed
> to suit themselves.

TOM: She wondered how they crammed all that graham into Golden Grahams.

> How could she possibly make them
> follow the true words of the goddess and not the false
> laws. She didn't think it was possible.

CROW: (Alis) After all, the only person on my side is *GOD*...

> She remembered the things she learned about the
> Federation Julian had come from.

TOM: Like the fact that it was incredibly unrealistic.

> There the dreams she
> held dear could be a reality,

MIKE: There her four little children would live in a nation where they
were
not judged by the color of their fur but by the content of their
character.

> she could make her dreams
> come true,

CROW: Much like Laverne and Shirley.

> with Julian,

TOM: Kintobor.

> but only if she left the Empire
> to be with him, when he left with his father.

CROW: (singing) All around the galaxy, they're comin' to America...
MIKE: So the premise of this story is that humans are the Master Race.
TOM: (singing) Terra, Terra, uber alles...

> *Yes, kittling, you will find what you wish for
> outside the empire,

CROW: (falsetto) Away from Diocletian.

> but you cannot run from the duty I've
> placed upon you.

MIKE: (falsetto) You must clean out the garage.

> Only when you have done what must be
> done,

TOM: (falsetto) Can you go out and play with your friends.

> to end the suffering of those enslaved in the
> Empire, can you have the things you dream about.*

CROW: She's the patron goddess of abolitionists.
MIKE: Great, Now we're in Lundeyll. Let me guess; next Alis and Julian
will team up to free Ellegon from the sewers, and then Walter
Slovotsky and Karl Freaking Cullinane will show up! This has
already
been done, story!

> Alis almost jumped half out of her skin

ALL: (singing) Ah, ah, ah, ah, flayin' alive! Flayin' alive!

> when she
> heard the voice of the goddess in her head.

TOM: (singing) In her head. In her head.
Violence, violence, in her head, head, head, head,
hawumph.

> She leapt to
> her feet, looking around in all directions, but the
> goddess was no where to be seen.

MIKE: Either Alis is nuttier than a squirrel's diet, or this story has
just
turned into fantasy.

> *Hurry kittling, the one who hunts your consort is
> closer now than you are, if you are to reach him in
> time - you must move with all the speed you can muster.*

CROW: (falsetto) Here, take my Vespa motorscooter.

> "Why can't you just..."

TOM: ...end this fanfic?

> *You question me?*

MIKE: Man, the First Mother wouldn't be a good guest on a talk show.
CROW: (falsetto) I have asked you to you stop blindly accepting what you
are told! NOW STOP QUESTIONING ME!

> Alis fell silent and started running.

TOM: She's a fast woman.

> You didn't
> question the goddess, when she said, jump, you jumped.

CROW: And when she said "Knock knock", you said "Who's there?".

(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)

[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]

[SOL Bridge. No one is present. After a beat, MIKE enters, stage
left.]

MAGIC VOICE: Mike - mammalian creature which may or may not have
possessed
a sense of quality and mainly watched bad movies and Usenet
posts sent to him by a woman, monkey and alien in the
castle -
waiting for one to strike the unwary and foolish crew
within
striking distance, bringing disgust then insanity.
MIKE: Magic Voice, is that you?
MAGIC VOICE: With an effort, she rearranged her features into a smile,
meant to calm him while she waited for Servo to arrive.

(TOM enters, stage right)

MIKE: Tom, what in the world--
TOM: (interupting) Is Carmen Sandiego?
MIKE: --did you do to Magic Voice?
TOM: I programmed her to talk like the third person narrator in _Stolen
Memories_.
MIKE: Oh, I see.

(MIKE turns away from TOM. After a short pause, he faces TOM again.)

MIKE: WHY?!?
TOM: Because I can.
MAGIC VOICE: Mike wanted to throw Servo across the room, to rage, to cry
for dreams that would never be, for being fool enough to
believe he would get a satisfactory explanation.
MIKE: So she's just going to keep talking like this, right?
TOM: Right.
MIKE: But don't you find it annoying?
TOM: Yes.

(TOM exits, stage right)

MAGIC VOICE: Servo departed, leaving Mike to collect rocks for the hut.
MIKE: I guess I'd better find him and make him fix you.

(MIKE exits, stage right)

MAGIC VOICE: And Mike left, to hunt Servo, for meat and hide, he left me
speaking an extremely long sentence that replaces periods
with
commas, in addition, there are commas where there should be
no
punctuation of, any kind, which is pointless, and looks
silly.

[The yellow light flashes]

MAGIC VOICE: When Julian awoke in the morning, he found us about to
leave,
but we assured him, that we would be right back, bar.

[Planet Bumper]