[MSTing] Netnoise Triple Feature
Freezer
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Not much to add as far as an intro for this one. I must say that
the first two parts of this trilogy put a dent in my faith in
humanity - seeing as how these two scams have (apparently) raked
in the bucks. As for the third part... Let's just say that the
Usenet is a weird, wild place.
Any and all comments/C&C/flames/death threats can be directed to
mysterysci...@yahoo.com
And on with the disclaimers...
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all related characters are the
property of Best Brains, Inc. "Dying Millionaire Whispers
Secrets," "TOP CONFIDENTIAL OFFER," and "AND ANOTHER KB CARTOON
ENDS WITHOUT ROMANCE" are all property of... Whatever
spamguarded Hell spawned them, and they're welcome to it.
NOTICE: This MSTing contains riffs referring to, inspired by,
and/or ripped off from: The Running Man, Marvel Comics, pro
wrestling, John Lennon, Foriegner, "The Devil's Advocate," Tammy
Wynette, The Bloodhound Gang, and Megane 6.7.
<< << << << << >> >> >> >>
[Season 3 Theme Song. Sing along! You know the words!]
{We open with CROW sitting in front of a small TV. Tom Servo is
on top. He keeps glancing between the TV and Servo and blurting
out wisecracks.}
CROW: Umm... Umm... [Salaciously] Hey, baby! How much for that
pie? TIME!
TOM: Eight minutes, twelve seconds. Keep going!
CROW: Oh... Umm... Iiiii'd buy that for a dollar!
TOM: [Severely] C'mon Crow! You gotta say it like you mean it!
CROW: Okay! Okay! Uhhhh... Hey, you got fries to go with that
shake.
TOM: You used that one ten minutes ago!
CROW: Ah man!
JOEL: [Appearing in the foreground] Hi, everybody. And welcome
to the Sattelite of Love. My name's Joel Robinson. Behind me
are my little robot companions Crow T. Robot, and on top of the
TV is Tom Servo. Guys, just what's going on here?
CROW: It's like this...
TOM: You! Riff! I'll explain.
CROW: ARGH! Time?
TOM: Twenty-six minutes, ninteeen seconds. Run with it. Anyway,
Crow's been reading some of the fan mail. He saw that some of
our fans think that he goes to the off-color commentary way too
often. Crow - of course - overreacted and decided to kill the
off-color thing completely.
CROW: Time!
TOM: Seventen minutes, fifty-seven seconds. And - again, being
Crow - decided to use aversion therapy instead of any sort of
self-control to break the habit.
JOEL: Aversion therapy?
TOM: That's when you try to associate a certain habit with pain
by performing said act thrity minutes past the point of comfort.
JOEL: I know what it is. But isn't that used on sex offenders
and stuff like that?
TOM: Yes. And it's also proven to be pretty ineffective. Not
to mention that - despite what Crow seems to think - one session
won't cure what ails him. But here he is, babblin' away like an
autistic Dennis Miller.
CROW: [Sounding anguished] TIIIME!
TOM: Twenty minutes, thirty-six seconds. Stay with it, buddy!
JOEL: Uhh, Tom?
TOM: What? The time thing? Hell, I stopped paying attention
after fifteen minutes. I've been shouting out arbitrary numbers
for at least an hour. But Crow, bless his metal heart, was too
determined to finish to notice.
JOEL: That's awfully mean and pointless isn't it?
TOM: Sure! That's what makes it fun!
JOEL: Folks, I may be a minute straightening this out. We'll be
right back. <Hits button>
{Commercial - Apple: Because you're stupid.}
{We come back to Crow standing between Joel and Tom. He's got
an icepack on his head.}
CROW: Oh, man! Who knew breaking a bad habit would be such hard
work?
TOM: Ah, that would be... Everyone but you.
CROW: HEY! Ow...
JOEL: So, do you feel any less off-color? I mean, are the urges
gone?
CROW: Well, I won't really know unless I get the right source
material in front of me, but I feel confident that my hentai
days are over.
TOM: So if I was to show you... This? <Shoves a printed copy of
Sailor Mac's "Fire Soul Bird in Love" in Crow's face>
CROW: I would... I would... *SIGH!* I would start the clock
again...
JOEL: Maybe later for that. Lenny Bruce and George Carlin are
calling.
[Cut to Deep 13 - and a close up on Dr. Forrester.]
DR.F: Why Crow! I'm disappointed in you, throwing away a
perfectly good bad habit. The world would be a much better
place if more people had more vices. And speaking of vices,
let's dispense with all the pleasant chit-chat and get to the
invention exchange. You first. NOW!
[SOL]
TOM: [Offscreen] "Pleasant chit-chat?" Since when?
JOEL: Well, sirs. Our invention involves taking a classic board
game and giving it more of an adult feel.
CROW: [Close up] Y'see, we combined Guess Who - the fun-filled,
logic testing guessing game, with the gritty realism of the
world of cop dramas. And we got...
ALL: N.Y.P.D GUESS WHO!
{Joel sits down at a table with Tom at the other end. Each has
a Guess Who board set up}
JOEL: Does your skel have a prior felony?
TOM: Yes. < Joel flips some tiles down > Does your skel have
facial scars?
JOEL: No.
TOM: You're skel must be Pookie!
JOEL: You got it!
CROW: Neat, huh?
[D-13]
FRANK: Say, change those slides to mutations, we could use that
as the parlor game for the next mad scientist shindig!
DR.F: Maybe, maybe. But as for right now, get the invention,
Frank.
[Turns to the camera]
You know the old saying "The devil's in the details?" Well,
thanks to the magic of steganography...
FRANK: [Popping in] That's the art of hiding pieces of
information within other media.
DR. F: ...You can make that literal. We present The Microsatan
Steganography kit. Y'See, Joel, all you need to do is scan in
an image of some demonic object of agreement - your favorite
evil
parchment or goat skin scroll for instance...
FRANK: Or use one of our included prefab pacts...
DR. F: Then use our steganography software to hide it in some
unassuming document...
FRANK: For some reason it only works with Microsoft Word
documents...
DR. F: Print the whole thing out, have your soul donor - be it
yourself or some poor patsy - sign with our special goat's blood
ink, and voila! One genuine secret pact with Lucifer for
anything you want.
FRANK: Fame? Fortune? The painful destruction of those who've
wronged you? Yours for the asking!
[SOL]
JOEL: Gee, sirs! That's actually pretty evil, but...
TOM: But, isn't this a bit exotic for you guys?
CROW: Yeah, you're into mad science, not the dark arts!
[D-13]
DR.F: Usually that would be true. But recently, I've decided to
take a cue or two from one of the icons of the mad science biz -
Victor Von Doom. He treated the black arts as just another
field of study. And I don't have Reed Richards or the big
orange guy to deal with!
FRANK: And Dr. Doom didn't have a willing test subject like me,
either.
DR.F: It does make testing a bit easier when you only have to
strap down your subject half the time...
[SOL]
TOM: Hmm... Appropriate and ironic, given that half the time,
Doom's schemes were often foiled by his intense overestimation
of his plan's infallibility.
CROW: And his gross, ego-driven underestimation of his
opponents.
[D-13]
DR.F: Bah! You just fear my genius and awsome power, Rich...
Er... *AHEM!* You're just saying that to keep me from trying
this out on you! But I'll save your souls for just the right
time.
For now, I think I'll soften you up with this. Tell 'em what's
in store Frank!
FRANK: Today, we've got a three-course meal of Net crap! First
course, getting rich quick
without getting actually told how appetizer! Second course - A
big steaming bowl Nigerian Bank
Scam soup! And topping everything off, we'll give the night a
pleasant spin with a loopy little
rant from rec.arts.animation. Bon appetit!
DR.F: Oh, and as you come in and out of the theatre, don't be
afraid to sign any... Documents you
may find just lying around. Send them the posts, Frank!
FRANK: Smoke 'em if you got em! [Pushes button]
[SOL]
ALL: WE GOT NET NOISE SIGN!!!
[All scurry off]
[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]
[All take their seats]
JOEL: I never understood why people hate spam so much. I
mean, it's no chunk bologna...
CROW: At least it's not potted meat. I mean, what IS that
stuff?
. "Dying Millionaire, Gasping For Final Breath Changes Mind
JOEL: [Millionare] Screw 'em all! I'm leaving it all to the
cat!
. About Taking Biggest Money Making Secret To His Grave...
TOM: He decided it'd be more fun to spout some gibberish and
let 'em twist over what he actually meant.
. What He Whispered Will SHOCK You!"
CROW: [Whispering] *HAN* is Leia's brother!
JOEL: [Whispering] Montreal was actually *BRET'S* idea!
TOM: [Whispering] There are *twelve* herbs and spices!
. (Hint: It's NOTHING like what you might think)
CROW: This crap might actually work!
Imagine . . .
TOM: ...There's no spam mail.
JOEL: It's easy if you try!
A once strong and very powerful multi-millionaire
CROW: Strong enough for a man, powerful enough for a woman!
TOM: So powerful we don't even have to give you his name! It
should burn itself into your mind!
lies dying in a hospital bed with only a single kind
nurse, Amber, by his side.
CROW: Amber: Age 47. Never married. Addicted to the Lifetime
Channel. Has cats. Lots of cats.
JOEL: The fact that he has active leprosy and B.O. that could
stun a yak might have something
to do with that alone thing...
At the last moment, he changes his mind about keeping
his most closely guarded secret to himself.
JOEL: [Millionare] Amber... I'm your father.
TOM: [Same]The money's in the... Urgh...!
CROW: [Same] I'm a closeted heterosexual!
It was Amber's lucky day.
He motions Amber to come closer. Closer still. Amber puts
her ear right up to his mouth. With the last minutes of
life he has left
JOEL: He did something with his tongue that would spawn
nightmares for years to come.
he manages to whisper his secrets to her.
TOM: [Amber] "Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right?"
The Hell?!?
But that's not the end of the story. See, Amber made him a
dying promise she would use his secret responsibly and
immediately. A few short weeks later,
CROW: THE POWERPUFF GIRLS WERE BORN!
Amber pulls up to her retirement party in a brand new Lexus
Convertible as her EX-coworkers scratch their heads in
complete and utter awe.
TOM: [Co-worker] Isn't that the boss' car?
JOEL: [Co-worker] Yep! Looks like Amber's off her meds again.
CROW: [Ditto] *SIGH!* I'll call the psych ward...
The secrets dropped in Amber's lap quickly made her a
small fortune.
What if YOU where in Amber's shoes?
JOEL: Then she's got pretty big feet!
Would you have listened to the dying millionaire?
TOM: Yes, we should all listen to the old, DYING, *COMPLETELY
ALONE* millionare...
If so, where would your life be right now?
CROW: I'd be dancing among the Yum-Yum trees in Candy Land! Hell, I
don't know!
Dear Friend,
JOEL: [Author] Can I call you Friend? Buddy? Old Chum? Snookums?
Have you ever wanted to make big money,
TOM: Sure, we all do!
maybe even become a millionaire?
CROW: Ever wanted to take a 2x4 to Regis' head?
I always did. As hard as I tried though, I could never
figure out their secrets.
JOEL: [Author] The fact that I'm intensely stupid didn't help!
After all, how do YOU become a millionaire unless you can
get one to share his secrets?
TOM: [Quickly] Umm... Lottery!
JOEL: Inheritance!
CROW: Lawsuits!
TOM: Hard work and smart investing?
JOEL: Huh?
CROW: What? That's just crazy talk!
Finally, I got a millionaire to open up to me.
TOM: [Author] The sight scarred my psyche forever.
When I used the secrets he shared, the results were
astounding. I quickly became a millionaire myself.
JOEL: [Author] I never knew slave trading paid so well!
Using this millionaire's strategy, I launched a new business
on the Internet. BAM! Big money rolled in.
CROW: BAM! Emeril sued you!
TOM: BOOM! So did John Madden!
JOEL: BIFF! And Adam West!
Again, using this millionaire's strategy, I launched another
Inter.net business. BAM! More money. In fact, incredible
amounts of money were rolling in.
CROW: [Author] Did I mention that I'm being paid in pesos? I
make about $3.50 an hour, American.
My Internet businesses now generate over 3 million dollars
annually. Yes, I'm now a millionaire because of one nice
millionaire who shared the simple secrets.
JOEL: [Millionare] Two words - Internet porn!
Now, I've decided to share the secrets with a select few
people.
TOM: Thousands and thousands of randomly selected select few
people, but hey! You're in the loop!
I don't have the space here to explain all this.
CROW: [Author] Actually, I do! But I can't squeeze money out
of you in an email.
Just click on the link below now to get all the info.
http://www.e-clk.com/e/c.cgi?j=20020914_77&e=1159820007&r=
u16050&d=90&p=1
JOEL: Click and find...
TOM: [Web Page] 404 Error: This account has been terminated
due to violations of gulibility limits.
Yours in success,
Shawn Casey
CROW: There is no joy in email. Mighty Casey has spammed you.
P.S. I know it's hard to believe that I'm sharing these
secrets.
JOEL: [Casey] I can't stress enough that these are REAL
SECRETS! SECRETS THAT WILL MAKE YOU MONEY!
In fact, I'm really making some of the Internet "insiders"
mad at me. They want to keep this info private and keep all
the money for themselves.
TOM: And we know how successful all those internet insiders
have been.
CROW: Hey, I'll have you know that the internet millionare who
made my burger yesterday was _very_ competent!
I'm passing these secrets on because I have been so
successful personally that I'm ready to give something back.
JOEL: [Casey] DID I MENTION THAT THIS IS THE SECRET TO MAKING
MILLIONS!!!
Click here now for the info.
http://www.e-clk.com/e/c.cgi?j=20020914_77&e=1159820007&r=
u16050&d=90&p=2
TOM: And also to sign up for three million offers for
insurance, loans, software, and HOT LESBIAN ACTION!!! Time to
boogie!
DR.F: [Offscreen] Not so fast, lab rats! I don't think this
little toilet log and the next are long enough to merit a break. So
just settle back in like good little test subjects:
J&TB: [At the same time] What? Aw, MAN! No fair!
TOM: This bites, man! I complaining to my congressman!
JOEL: Look at it this way - at least it'll all be over faster
this way!
TOM: Well, there is that!
Mr. Joseph Johnson
Zenith International Bank Nigeria Ltd,
JOEL: Offering a free big-screen TV with every account.
Lagos, Nigeria.
Direct Tel: 234-803-3034960
CROW: Point 6462...
Private E-mail: joseph...@accountant.com
TOM: A Nigerian bank exec with a generic e-mail address.
Nope! Not suspicious at all!
ATTNENTION: PRESIDENT/C.E.O
CROW: Or the 17 year-old who stumbled across this...
JOEL: What's ATT-NENTION?
TOM: I think it means "Act fast or AT&T will merge with it."
STRICTLY A PRIVATE BUSINESS PROPOSAL
JOEL: So private it ended up on Usenet.
CROW: Well, sure! I mean how many people could possibly be
reading those "newsgroup" thingies?
Dear Sir,
TOM: [Quickly] Or Madam!
I am Mr. Joseph Johnson,
JOEL: [Johnson] And I'm a pathalogical liar.
BOTS: Hi, Steve!
The Bank Manager of Zenith International Bank Nigeria Ltd,
Lagos, Nigeria.
TOM: [JOhnson] Note my obviously Nigerian surname!
I have urgent and very confidential business proposition
for you.
CROW: So urgent they can't stop to add in all the prepositions.
On January 6,1998, a Foreign Oil Consultant/contractor with
the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, Mr. James
Herbert
JOEL: Yet another native Nigerian...
made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar
months, valued at US$20,000,000.00 (Twenty Million United
States Dollars) in my branch.
TOM: It was the biggest (largest) deposit we've ever had (received)!
Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his
forwarding address but got no reply.
After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered
from his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum
Corporation that Mr. James Herbert died from an automobile
accident.
CROW: [Joseph] Of course the fact that it took a month to
discover our biggest customer was dead doesn't say a heck of a lot
about us...
On further investigation, I found out that he died without
making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was
ruitless.
JOEL: [Joseph] And we looked really hard! I swear!
therefore made further investigation and discovered that
Mr. James Herbert did not declare any next of kin or
relations in all his official documents, including his Bank
Deposit paperwork in my Bank.
TOM: [Joseph] My *COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE NIGERIAN BANK!!!*
This sum of US$20,000,000.00 has carefully been moved out of
my bank to a security company for safekeeping. No one will
ever come forward to claim it.
CROW: So the government claims half for debts and taxes, you
grab the rest. So this involves anyone else HOW?
According to Nigerian Law, at the expiration of 5 (five)
years, the money will revert to the ownership of the
Nigerian Government if nobody applies to claim the fund.
TOM: Lessee... January 1998, it's late December 2002 now... Yep.
You're screwed! Sorry!
Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a
Foreigner to stand in as the owner of the money.
CROW: [Joseph] Because it's "URGENT" you see.
JOEL: I swear we're not playing "Head Games" with you!
TOM: I've been waiting for a girl - or boy - like you!
CROW: C'mon! "Say You Will!"
I deposited it in a security company in two trunk boxes
though the security company does not know the contents of
the boxes as I tagged them to be photographic materials for
export.
JOEL: So you just dragged two boxes full of currency out of
your bank, through your security, and just shoved them into a
storage locker?
CROW: I didn't know Enron had a Nigerian branch...
I am writing you because I
TOM: [Joseph] ...Am not a crook! Seriously!
as a public servant I cannot operate a foreign account or
have an account that is more than $1m. I want to present you
JOEL: [Joseph] John Q. Sucker... I mean "Trusted stranger!"
as the owner of the boxes in the security company so you can
be able to claim them with the help of my attorney.
JOEL: An associate of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe.
TOM: And just why - pray tell, Joseph - would I not only want
to trust any amount of money to a bank that won't demand to see a
$20 million depositor in person, but trust the whole transaction to
YOUR lawyer?
CROW: [Joseph] Well, um, uh... LOOK OVER THERE! _YOINK!_
All these are to make sure that the fruits of this old
man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt
government officials.
TOM: They should go into the hands of corrupt banking officials,
where they belong!
This is simple.
JOEL: [Joseph] And so are you. Hence, this message.
I will like you to provide immediately your full names
CROW: You and all your personalities.
and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary
documents, which will put you in place as the owner of the
boxes.
JOEL: And on the list of possible al-Quida moneymen for every law
enforcement agency on Earth.
CROW: A small price to pay for "US$20,000,000.00 ( Twenty
Million United States Dollars )!"
The money will be shared in the ratio of 70% for me and 25%
for you and 5% will take care of all expenses.
TOM: [Joseph] Did I mention the entire 5% is coming out your
pocket? Well it is!
There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this
transaction will be done by the Attorney
JOEL: [Joseph] Pay no attention to the fact that he looks like
Al Pacino...
and this will guarantee the successful execution of this
transaction.
If you are interested, please reply immediately via my
private email:
joseph...@accountant.com and my telephone number Phone
Tel: 234-803-3034960.
CROW: [Joseph] Please ignore the fact that this number leads
to a Pakistani bordello.
Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more
details and relevant documents that will help you understand
the transaction.
TOM: [Joseph] Step one - Send me money. Step two - I run away
laughing.
Please observe with utmost confidentiality, and be rest
assured that this transaction would be most profitable for
both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest
my share in your country.
JOEL: Yes, please help in committing embezzelment and grand
larceny! The world needs more white collar crime!
Awaiting your urgent reply via my private email to indicate
your interest.
CROW: [Joseph] That whole phone thing? Forget it. Never
happened. Figment of your imagination. Pay no attention to the man
behind the curtain. LOOK JUST MOVE ON! THIS IS NOT A SCAM!!!
Thanks and Best Regards.
MR. JOSEPH JOHNSON, DIRECT Tel: 234-803-3034960
TOM: Just in case you forgot the fake number the first time.
Let's split, guys!
DR.F [Voice only] Wrong again, Gumball! Stay put!
CROW: Aw, come ON!!!
JOEL: This is so unfair!
DR.F: And what do we say to that, boys and girls?
ALL: [Downcast] What do you want? I'm EVIL!
TOM: [Muttering] Vengance shall be mine! Oh yes! There will
be a reckoning!
From: WEBL...@webtv.net (..................
..................)
CROW: Remember that's "dot-dot-dot *AT* dot-dot-dot *DOT*
dot-dot-dot"
Subject: AND ANOTHER KB CARTOON ENDS WITHOUT ROMANCE
JOEL: What's a KB Cartoon?
TOM: Klink Brothers?
CROW: [Col. Klink] How would you like to spend your Saturday
mornings on the Russian Front!
Content-Disposition: Inline
CROW: Anne Robinson-Disposition: Bitch
Newsgroups: rec.arts.animation
I dont know about you but
TOM: [Weblucky] I really like pie!
i was sad to see that alot of kids wb cartoons ended without
a romance between the main charaters,including freakazoid,and
pinky and the brain,
JOEL: So that's why those shows got canceled! Lack of sexual
tension!
I taking a vote on how many people out there think the brain
should of got a romance with a female mouse one that would
love BRAIN and stand by brain no matter what.
TOM: o/~ Stand by your mouse! Those he is small and freakish! o/~
and also how many of you out there think that warner bros.
should of made a episode on brain getting his 1st kiss by a
female mouse before the series ended.
CROW: Okay, I'll bite. All those in favor of seeing Brain
with a girlfriend say "Aye!"
<Crickets chirping>
TOM: All those wondering what kind of weirdo thinks seriously
about that sort of thing.
ALL: AYE!!!
Im sorry if this may sound weird and strange to you but
JOEL: [Weblucky] The Dog said it sounded okay to him!
I really wanted to see the BRAIN GET KISS BY A FEMALE MOUSE
FOR THE 1ST TIME AND I WANT TO SEE A ROMANCE BETWEEN BRAIN
AND A FEMALE MOUSE LAST THROUGH OUT THE WB CARTOON,
TOM: MOOD SWING! DUCK!!!
<All Duck>
CROW: [Rising] I think we spotted when his meds wore off!
call me a hopeless cartoon romantic
JOEL: Or at least leave off the "cartoon romantic"
but isn't this part ofthe reason why some kids,teenagers,and
adult watch am i right,let me prove that this kinda stuff
gets peoples attention including adults,
TOM: Whoa! Take it down an notch, Lucky!
JOEL: Tonight on Dateline - Netkooks on speed!
if you watched the pinky and the brain episode to russia with
lab mice you know exactly what I mean,
CROW: I saw it and I still don't.
i know this may sound hard to believe but when that episode
air I had some of my friends over for a celabration breakfest
in honour of their hard work that they did for me
TOM: ...The absolute destruction of grammar on the net!
and everyone at the time was watching tv and as soon as the
part came up when brain and anne mousey were sitting on the
couch real close to each other,
CROW: [breathy voice] It made me feel all funny!
TOM: o/~ You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals! So let's
do it like they do it on the Disney Channel! o/~
looking like the brain was about to get kissed for the very
frist time in his life by a female mouse,
JOEL: They were going to do it Bill Frist style?
CROW: KINKY!
all of a sudden 17 PEOPLE INCLUDING MY DAD AND 2 OF MY
FRIENDS DADS AND MOMS,
TOM: Your friend has more than one mother and father?
me and my friends stoped what we wre doing and all of us
stared at the tv just waiting for brain to get kissed,
CROW: You and your friends are some weird mammajammas!
it came close but still no kiss, at that moment everyone got
disappoined because brain didn't get kiss, there was 7
people out of the bunch at my house that all said in there
own way man I was really looking forward to brain getting
kiss by that female mouse anne mousey WARNER BROS.
JOEL: [Weblucky] Especially Goxor the Luzmanian embassador.
TOM: Is it possible to transcribe a fever dream?
CROW: After today, I'd have to say yes.
SHOULD OF LET THE BRAIN GET KISSED BY THAT FEMALE MOUSE ANNE
MOUSEY,this complaining over brain not getting kissed last
for 1 hour and 37 mintues,
TOM: [Weblucky] We were *REALLY* flying that day!
can you believe that,
ALL: NO!
this sensation and desire of seeing the brain get kissed for
the frist time really got to people do you see my point.
JOEL: You lost me around "i was sad when."
THESE ROMANCES IN CARTOONS MEAN A LOT TO ALOT OF PEOPLE,
CROW: [Weblucky] The voices won't leave me alone until they
kiss, darn it all!
after all if people look for a romance to start between the 2
charaters in disney movies and regular movies what makes you
think that people wont look for it in other cartoons or KIDS
WB! CARTOONS like pinky and the brain and many others.
TOM: Because it's *PINKY AND THE FREAKING BRAIN!* That's why!
And dont try to tell me that you didn't cry when you saw
that QUASIMODO GOT HIS HEART BROKEN BY ESMERALDA, AFTER YOU
WANTED AND WAS HOPPING THAT QUASIMODO GOT THE GIRL.
CROW: Okay. I won't.
JOEL: Wasn't really "hopping" to do anything, either.
TOM: Considering the original story, Quasi made out like a bandit.
IN THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRA DOME, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT PART OF
THE MOVIE RAISED AN ISSUE AMONG MANY PEOPLE.
ALL: No!
ANYWAY IM JUST saying that people care about seeing the 2 get
together or get kissed in cartoon as much as liking the
cartoons in it's self.
TOM: Alright, Lucky! Just who the hell are these "people" you
keep talking about?
JOEL: And the voices in your head don't count.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO SOME KIDS WB! CARTOONS MAIN CHARATERS
THE BETTER OFF WITHOUT LOVE AND ROMANCE OR GETTING KISSED.
TOM: I thought his point was "All toons need love?"
CROW: You're looking for logic here?!?
LIKE ANIMANICS YAKKO,WAKKO,AND DOT DONT NEED A LOVE A ROMANCE
OR A KISS BECAUSE THEY LOVE AND KISS EVERY BODY,
JOEL: Well, that's a bit...
AND LIKE ROAD ROVERS HUNTER DIDN'T NEED A LOVE A ROMANCE OR
A KISS HE WAS FINE ON HIS OWN,
CROW: Okay, but...
I JUST LOVE THE WAY WARNER BROS.
TOM: Could you at least calm down a...
AND TOM RUGGER ENDED WARNER BROS. ROAD ROVERS THE WAY THEY
DID WHEN COLLEN FOR THE FRIST TIME ASK HUNTER IF HE WANTED
TO TAKE A WALK IN THE MOON LIGHT WITH HER,
CROW: But I don't...
AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT A KISS WAS IN STORE FOR
HUNTER,HUNTER TRANSFORMED HIMSELF INTO HIS DOG FORM SO
COLLEN
JOEL: Could you just...
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO WHAT SHE HAD PLANED FOR HUNTER,
TOM: But what the...
YOU COULD TELL SHE WANTED TO KISS HUNTER WHEN SHE LOOK AT
THE SCREEN AND SAID THIS IS NOT EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.
CROW: STOP YELLING, ALREADY!!!
AS FOR ME HUNTER NOT GETTING KISSED WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD
IN MIND. GOOD FOR WARNER BROS.
JOEL: Uh... Yeah. Good for them.
PRODUCERS AND WRITTERS,AND ARRANGERS ON THAT CARTOON SERIES
AT LEAST ALTHOUGH IT LASTED 1 SEASON AIRING ONLY 13 EPISODES
CROW: [Mumbling] Damn you, Jaime Kellner...
I THINK WARNER BROS.ENDED WARNER BROS.ROAD ROVERS REALLY
GOOD. NO LOVE NO ROMANCE NO KISS GREAT JOB!
JOEL: Wasn't the point of this that he wanted more romance in
cartoons?
TOM: I think he just wanted to see Brain get it on.
CROW: That's... Just so _wrong_!
WARNER BROS.ANIMATION. YOU SEE HUNTER DIDN'T NEED NO ONE
BECAUSE HUNTER WAS A STRONG MAN THAT COULD LIVE HIS LIFE
TILL THE DAY HE DIES WITHOUT LOVE,ROMANCE OR GETTING A KISS
FROM A FEMALE DOG.
CROW: Hunter's also a blockhead who probably wouldn't think of
what he was missing.
TOM: Well... He is a dog so I can see the not missing the
kissing. But then...
JOEL: Let's just leave it at that.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO BRAIN AND FREAKAZOID THEY NEED A LOVE
A ROMANCE AND A KISS.
JOEL: Didn't Freakazoid have a girlfriend?
KJA
CROW: "KJA?"
JOEL: TOGG??
CROW: TIM-MAH!!
TOM: You see folks? This is what happens when cartoons,
mind-altering drugs and the internet mix.
JOEL: If you must, choose one or two, but never all three.
[Pause]
CROW: So... Can we leave now?
TOM: Wait for it...
[Pause]
CROW: Tom?
TOM: Just a second...
[Pause]
JOEL: Now?
TOM: Now! RUN FOR IT!!!
{All scurry off}
[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]
{Back to the standard shot of Joel and The Bots}
TOM: All things considered, that could've been worse!
CROW: Yeah, three of those things back to back to back! It's
like The Mads are trying to break our wills or something.
[TOM and Joel pause and stare at Servo]
CROW: What?
JOEL: Anyway, now that the experiment is over with, now's as
good a time as any to read some letters! We've got this one from...
TOM: Hold off on that, Joel! We've got something on the
Hexfield View Screen!
{The Hexfield opens up to reveal a horned, light red woman,
resembling Pearl Forrester. She appears to be wearing a telephone
headset.}
DEVIL LADY [Monotone]: Hello? Am I speaking to the man or woman
of the house?
JOEL: Umm... I suppose?
DEVIL LADY: Great! I'm calling from Conhugeco Distribution, a
divison of Megalocorp. And I'm calling to offer you one of our huge
number of offers from out giant array of products.
CROW: Oh, joy! Satan's telemarketer!
DEVIL LADY: Today's special offer is a 20-year subscripiton to
Cat Fancy for only $500, plus shipping and handling.
TOM: But we don't have a cat!
DEVIL LADY: Then how about our long-term health and dental
insurance package?
CROW: Umm... I don't have teeth and Joel takes care of all our
health needs.
JOEL: And Dr. Forrester makes sure I'm in tip top shape so he
can eliminate health as a factor in his failed experiments.
DEVIL LADY: Need a credit card?
TOM: Nope. We're set on that end.
DEVIL LADY: Then I'm sure you'll want our collection of premium
steak knives.
CROW: No, we don't! Look we're hanging up now!
{Hexfield won't close}
TOM: Umm.. Joel! Do something!
DEVIL LADY: [Speaking normally] It won't help, dear. It says in
your contract that you can't break the connection until I've given
you the full array of product choices!
JOEL: Huh? What "contract"
DEVIL LADY: This one! <Holds up a contract> It seems one of
your little rumble robots there sent in a magazine subscription card
that had one of our telemarketing contracts steganographed onto it.
[JOEL turns towards the bots]
CROW: It wasn't me this time!
TOM: But... But it was Entertainment Weekly! For only $9.99!
JOEL: Wait a minute! "Steganograpy?" You mean...
DEVIL LADY: Hey, don't look so surprized! You think Forrester
came up with that little innovation without some "inspiration?" As
far as we're concerned, he's our number one beta tester!
JOEL: *SIGH!* Alright, Ms. Telemarketer from Hell. Just how many
items do you have for us?
DEVIL LADY: One million!
ALL: ONE MILLION?!?
DEVIL LADY: We are Hell's marketing wing after all! Now just
settle in and we'll take these suckers in alphabetical order! Now,
first up - a years supply of Abalone!
JOEL: Oh, man! It looks like we're going to be busy for...
Ever, actually! You may want to scratch us off your list for a
while, sirs.
[D-13]
DR. F: Normally, that might anger me, Joel. But right now,
we've got more important fish to fry.
[Pan over to TV's Frank, who's wrestling with Pitch the Demon]
FRANK: Get OFF me, you hooved freak!
PITCH: Look, you signed the contract! It's not my fault you
didn't read the fine print!
FRANK: What fine print! You used steganography to hide the
whole thing!
PITCH: Hey, when the pizza delivery guy made you sign for the
pizza made you sign for a medium cheese with crazy bread, and you
DIDN'T get suspicious, you deserve whatever you get! NOW MAKE WITH
THE SOUL!!
FRANK: NEVER!
DR.F: Hang on, Frank! Just let me get the exorcism kit out of
storage! *SIGH!* Why do I suddenly feel like Wile. E. Coyote and
I'm surrounded by winged dynamite? {Pushes Button}
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
<< FWOOOSH >>
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Freezer
[http://www.geocities.com/mysterysciencefreezer]
Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did [Lemon]
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter [Lemon]
Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings [Lime]
Ep. 8: Life's Surprises
Ep. 9: School Girls [Lemon]
Ep.10: Netnoise Triple Feature
Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language)
[http://dccmm.com/dccmm/wilfmst3k.html]
Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith
Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000
(Collaboration with Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine)
Ep. 4: Danielle Fishel & Lacey Chabert At Smackdown!
Group MSTing: (Available on WS9
{http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/}) Love Bites - (Edited by Rebo
Valence, written with half the free world)
{Will Joel and the Bots submit and sign up for $50,000 in life
insurance? Can Frank wrestle his soul back from Satan's minion?
Will the steganography gag make a return trip? Find out on the next
episode of Mystery Science Freezer!}
[[AND I WANT TO SEE A ROMANCE BETWEEN BRAIN AND A FEMALE MOUSE
LAST THROUGH OUT THE WB CARTOON]]
--
My name is:
____ _
/ ___| | | http://www.geocities.com/
| |__ _ __ ___ ___ ____ ___ _ __ | | mysterysciencefreezer
| __|| '__/ _ \/ _ \/_ // _ \| '__|| | (My MSTings)
| | | | __/ __/ / /| __/| | |_| http://dccmm.com
|_| |_| \___|\___||___|\___||_| (_)(Rasslin' and other subjects)
And my anti-drug is porn.