[MiSTing] Schlock Treatment [1/3]
JMShearer
Original author: Mike Cervantes
MiSTing author: Jesse Shearer
Era: Castle
Done without permition due to inability to contact the author.
[Season 9 opening credits]
[Scene: Waiting room. Mike and the Bots are at control pannel]
MIKE: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satelite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson,
and
these are my friends Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. Pearl and company
haven't
sent us an experiment in about two weeks. We've done just about
everything
we've wanted to do while we wait, so we're getting kinda bored.
SERVO: Well, we could go back to playing video games.
CROW: Nah. We've done that for three days straight now. Besides, the
controls are all broken.
MIKE: Anyway, we're just going to sit around for awhile. Mabey
something
will happen while we're waiting. [comertial button flashes] We'll be
right
back.
[planet bumper]
[comertial for Final Fantasy 9]
[Scene: Headline reading *Nothing Happens on SOL* fills screen. Shot
backs
up to show Mike reading paper and Crow staring off into space. Pearl's
button flashes but neither notices. Scene shifts to fisheye shot of
Pearl
trying to get ahold of Mike.]
PEARL: Mike? Mike! Can you hear me?
[Shift to Waiting Room.]
MIKE: Huh? Oh, hello, Pearl. Didn't see you calling. What can I do
for
you?
[Castle]
PEARL: Well, I thought I'd call to apologize for leaving you all alone
for
so long. How are things going up there?
[Waiting Room; Crow still staring into space]
MIKE: Pretty good. Slow for a change. We're all really enjoying it.
[nudges Crow] Right, Crow?
CROW:[without even noticing] Yeah, Mike, whatever you say.
[Castle]
PEARL: Well, good. It looks like Art there may need some shock
treatment.
[Observer comes in] Unfortunately, I can't deliver on that, but I do
have
the next best thing. It's a little piece called "Darkwing Duck:
Schlock
Treatment," by an author I think you'll be able to identify by the end
of
the story. Brain Guy, give 'em whatever details you've got then send
it.
OBSERVER: Yes, madam. This little grain of sand is vintage 1998 AOL
stock
crap. It makes references to other authors who would be shamed to know
of
their attachment to it. On a final note, this story is of astoundingly
decent quality, considering the author. [uses powers to send story]
[Waiting Room, buzzers and lights go off]
MIKE: Ah! Fanfic sign! Finally, relief from the boredom! [goes into
theater]
CROW:[comes around a few seconds later] What the...! Fanfic sign!
Where's
Servo? MIKE!?!?
MIKE:[from theater] We're in the theater! Get in here! It's starting!
CROW:[heads for theater] Dah!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...theater]
SERVO: Finally!
CROW: I thought you said it was starting.
MIKE: Give it a second.
> Darkwing Duck: Schlock treatment
CROW: That's, like, every episode, though.
MIKE: Halfway decent title, though.
SERVO: Yeah. I wonder who wrote it?
> A Genius Story (sure, whatever) By Mike Cervantes
SERVO: Why does that name seem familiar?
MIKE: I'm not sure. Let's read on and find out, shall we?
>Writer's notes:
CROW: Oh hell. You don't suppose "Mike Cervantes" is a pen name for
Gonterman, do you?
MIKE: I don't think so. Besides, I thought he only did self-insertions
of
Sonic the Hedgehog and Salor Moon.
SERVO: And don't forget that "Foxfire" comic he does about a
psudeo-version
of himself.
CROW: True.
>To my knowledge, this is one of the first Darkwing fanfics to
>also include Fenton Crackshell (Gizmoduck). It's also among the rarest of
>DW
>fanfics to be written in the TV Scripting style, so bear with me as this
>story encloses actions in Parentheses. Also you know when the Superheroes
>in this story, are using their secret Identity by captions like Drake (for
>Darkwing) and Fenton (For Gizmoduck).
SERVO: And also, please bear in mind that I have no idea as to what the
hell
I'm doing.
>I added some Cartoon Planet as a device
>much like many of What's her name's fanfics, and wondered why Tad Stones
>Didn't attempt to write a story like this,
CROW: Probably because he knew it would likely wind up as complete
crap,
like this one undoubtedly will.
>In case you are the kind of person who is too Jaded by the Chronology of
>Kim >McFarland's Fanfics, Gosalyn is still 10 in this story.
MIKE: We'll have to check that out sometime.
SERVO: Do we even *get* AOL up here?
CROW: It's probably all on the 'Net by now.
>
>(Scene: an overview of St. Canard, which closes in on Darkwing's hideout
>during the Darkwing monolougue below)
SERVO:[sarcastically] No! We thought it was above this!
>
>Darkwing: The big city, St. Canard. A veritable Villiage of high culture. A
>place of beautiful archetectual design. And a breeding ground for crime.
>Today is, and will ever remain, an important chapter in this City's
>history. and Why do you ask?
MIKE: Uh, because I want to know?
>(sits on the edge of the tower, pouting)BECAUSE, THERE ISN'T ONE DANG SIGN
>OF ANY CRIME IN THIS GOSH-FORSAKEN CITY!!
>
CROW: Well, at least untill that monolog came along.
>Launchpad: So for once there's no crime in the city. Why are you sore about
>it?
>
SERVO: Yeah, what's the big deal about that?
>Darkwing: Because i'm BORED!! BORED, BORED, BORED!!!
>
SERVO:[as Darkwing speaks] LAME! LAME! LAME!!!
>Launchpad: so why don't you go home, you deserve a break. You know,
>Gosalyn's dying to play a game of hockey with you......
>
>Darkwing: (Fumes) "I'M" Gonna die if I do play hockey with Gosalyn.....
>
SERVO: *I'm* gonna die if this script is over five pages long.
>Lauchpad: I never understood how you cn fight the likes of the Vampiric
>Voodoo lord,
MIKE: OK, so that means the guy's a lord of vampiric voodoo?
SERVO: Or the vampiric lord of voodoo.
CROW: I think Tom's closer, actually.
>and his legions of undead Zombie minions, and then be afraid of a
>little girl weilding a stick.
>
>Darkwing: at least The Vampiric voodoo lord fights fair
SERVO: There's more than one voodoo lord?
CROW: OK, now I'm confused.
>..... Besides, I must keep in top condition to continue to fight the forces
>of evil.....
>
CROW: Then why isn't he doing anything about this story?
>Launchpad: Fine, stay here, i'm going home........
>
>Darkwing: That's just fine with me............
CROW:[Launchpad] Well, OK, then!
SERVO:[Darkwing] Fine!
CROW:[Launchpad] Fine!
MIKE: Stop it! You're only making this experience worse!
>
>Launchpad: but you are gonna miss "Cartoon planet"
SERVO: More incentive to stay out.
>
>Darkwing: FRIDAY NIGHT!!
BOTS:[Beavis and Butthead] FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!
CROW:[Beavis] We're gonna get some! Heh-heh-heh!
>already? Quick, Launchpad, We must make haste home..
>
>(meanwhile, at the abandoned lighthouse)
>
>Megavolt: Boy, am I bored, I do think i've run out of ideas for sensless
>crimes to commit on the innocent populace. Boy, do I ever need a hobby, am
>I right? Yes, i'm right....? (facefaults) oh, I don't believe this, The
>all-powerfull master of Electricity, talks to himself...... HEY!! you
>calling me a psycho......? D'oh (Slaps himself in the head......)
CROW: Yes, actually. You're a psycho that hits himself and talks too
much.
>
>........Moments later.........
>
>(scene is still in the Lighthouse, but has changed into Black-&-white.
>Megavolt is wearing a lab coat, and stands over a table with a lumpy
>bedsheet on it, Very Like-Frankenstein.....)
>
>Megavolt: this is it, my moment of triumph, YES!! MUAHAHAHAAAA!! I shall
>never be lonely again..... I will take this being, i hath created with my
>very hands, And Reunite it with the one Spark that is human Life!!! (pulls
>a switch and the table moves upward through a skylight...) STORMS,
>LIGHTNING!!! LIVE!! MY CREATION, LIVE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! (the scene
>switches to the outside, where there's no cloud in the night sky, crickets
>chirp)
>
CROW: Scene pulled from an actual voyage inside the author's head.
>Megavolt: (grimaces) oh, i'll do it...... (Zaps the Table with his electro
>gun, as it comes back down t the ground, megavolt looks under the sheet)
>IT'S ALIVE, ALIVE!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!
SERVO: That's really cleched, even for a Disney fanfic.
>
>(a tiny lightbulb with arms and legs crawls out from under the bedsheet)
>
>Lighbulb: (in a thick Venice beach-type accent) Dude, Will you quit the
>shouting, You're like, giving me a migrane, and Schtuff.....
MIKE:[frustrated] Oh God.
CROW:[annoyed] Here we go. Straight to hell.
>
>Megavolt: IT'S ALIVE!! AND IT TALKS LIKE A DEGENERATE TEENAGER!!! >(stares
>at the lightbulb) Hello little lightbulb, i'm your Dada.......
>
>Lightbulb: hello Mr. YourDada, My name's like, Wattson, and Schtuff.....
>
>Megavolt: Hello little Wattson, i'm Megavolt...
>
>Lil Wattson: I thought, you were Mr. YourDada, Dude.......
>
>Megavolt: uh, nevermind....... Whattya want to do?
CROW: Go back to the video games, for one.
SERVO: Or paint the hull.
MIKE: Or even eat my own face.
>I know, We can plan a sensless crime together.........
>
>Lil Wattson: I was gonna opt for TV and Pizza, but your idea sounds better,
>Dude.....
CROW: Well, I'm partial to the pizza idea, myself.
>
>Megavolt: Great idea, slap me some skin..... (High-fives with Wattson, the
>two electrocute eachother)
>
>.....The next night at Drake Mallard's house......
>
>(Gosalyn, launchpad, and Honker sit around the TV, with a bowl of popcorn)
>
>(on the TV)
>Space Ghost: Zorak, Did you just let out a fluffy?
>Zorak: what are you talking about
>Space Ghost: you know, A fluffy.......
>Brak: open up ALL 'de WINDOOOWS!!
SERVO: So, all the stuff that took place before this was on *Thursday*
night, then?
MIKE: Either that, or this is an encore showing.
>
>Honker: i just don't get it........
>
>Gosalyn: you just don't understand Sophisticated comedy
>
CROW: Oh yeah, Shakespear really pales in complexity when compared to
Space
Ghost.
>(on TV)
>Brak: It's the Extra pu, that makes all the Diffrence.......
>
SERVO: Oh, how true.
>Drake: (walks in, and sits on the couch) isn't this a repeat of last weeks
>show?
>
>honker: A'yup, it sure is....
MIKE:[Honker] ...The encore showing from last night.
>
>Drake: I always hate it when a TV show is in never-ending hiatus...... how
>can you watch the Exact same sketches over-and-over...
>
>Gosalyn: I dunno, How can you, Dad?
>
>Drake: uh, no comment, Talk to my lawyer....
>
>(Doorbell rings, Drake walks over and awnsers it)
>
>Fenton: (standing outside with handfulls of luggage) Hiya, Drakie.... I'm
>in town for the international Accountant's Seminar and.....
>
>Drake: let me guess, you need a place to stay......
>
>Fenton: (gives Drake all his bags) Well I was gonna stay in a cheap motel
>room, But
CROW:[Fenton] I came to this rathole first.
>if you insist, Drakie.... (walks over to the TV) Ooh, Cartoon Planet, My
>fav'orite show......
MIKE: That proves it. Fenton's an idiot.
>
>Drake: Well, at least he has good taste in TV...... i'll put your things in
>the guest room next to the car.......
>
>Launchpad: Hey, Fenton, Mah man........
>
>Fenton: how you doin' Launchpad... ?(the two do a secret handshake)
>
>Drake: Shh, Chat time is later, TV time is now....
>
>(everyone stares at the TV....)
>
>Brak: I once had a Beuuutiful Sa- (interrupted by news broadcast) We
>interrupt this program for an important bulletin....
SERVO:[newscaster] If you are seeing this, you are in a crappy fanfic.
DO
NOT leave your homes, I repeat, DO NOT leave your homes until further
notice
unless it is a matter of absolute life and death!
>
>Drake: it must be pretty important to interrupt a cable channel....
>
>News Guy: Megavolt is robbing the St. Canard shopping mall, The crazed
>Electro-charged master criminal has spent the last half-hour unscrewing
>ligtbulbs from fixtures, and putting them in, and I Quote: "A little
>baggie"
>
>Drake & Fenton: MEGAVOLT!!
>(Drake & Fenton look at eachother)
>
MIKE: Don't even think it, Crow.
>Drake: well, Fenton it's been real, I gotta go and, uh, buy a new tea
>strainer..... (runs out the front door)
>
>Fenton: well, that's all the same to me, Drakie, I think I left my lucky
>Calculator back at the airport....... (Runs out the back door)
>
>Launchpad: (folds his arms) i'm not taking sides......
>
SERVO:[Launchpad] I'm getting *both* of them new excuses.
>Darkwing: (Peers in the door) LAUNCHPAD!!!
>(grabs launchpad by the scarf, and drags him out the door)
>
>......At the St. Canard Mall........
>
>(Darkwing, and Launchpad drive around the mall inside the Ratcatcher cycle)
>
>Launchpad: this scene is strangely familiar, DW....
>
>Darkwing: I can't help it if the writer is lazy.....
SERVO: It's a sure sign of crap when the writer has the characters call
him
lazy.
>
>Launchpad: Who wrote this garbage...?
CROW: Even worse when the story refers to itself as garbage.
>
>Megavolt: oh great, Darkwing Duck, he's sure to foil my evil plan.....
>
>Lil Wattson: Uh, what are we doin' here again, Dude?
>
>Megavolt: you don't Remember?
>
>Lil Wattson: Uhhhh, Nah........
>
MIKE:[peevishly] Mabey if you'd have filled us in earlier, we would!
>Megavolt: Boy, for a Boon in technology, you sure are stupid...... I'll
>explain it one last time, ok? We steal all the Lightbulbs in St. Canard,
>and
>bring them to life. Then I shall Sell them back to the Citizens....
>
>Lil Wattson: Cutting out the middle man, eh Dude......?
>
>Megavolt: Oh, Shut up...... Anyway, once all of my Living lightbulbs are
>safe
>and secure, in the homes of St. Canard. They'll come to life, Rob all the
>homes they are put in, and Bring all the Riches to MEEEE!!
> >AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
>
CROW: Dah! I've just figured out who the author is! [gets up to
leave]
I'm gonna go have Gypsy disassemble me, and you guys can't stop me!
[exits
theater]
MIKE:[to Crow] Hold on a minute, Crow. [picks up Servo. mumbles a
bit]
We'd better go stop him.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...waiting room]
[Waiting Room is set up for a demonstration, with a collapsible movie
screen
near the big theater door and a slide projector on the couner. Crow is
closest to the projector, with Mike and Servo close by.]
MIKE: So, you say you've figured out who the author of today's fanfic
is,
Crow?
CROW: Yeah, Mike. While I was waiting for you guys, I had Observer
send up
a little slide show to help you figure it out. Cambot, dim the lights,
please. [lights dim] Turn on the projector there, Mike. [Mike turns on
the
projector. Some text appears on the screen] Now, I'm assuming you two
recognise this.
MIKE: Yes, it's a passage from "George town." We read it a few months
ago,
and it's still painful to look at.
SERVO: What's your point?
CROW: Who was the author of the story from which this passage came?
MIKE and SERVO: Mike C.
SERVO: Inspired by John Kricfalusi.
CROW: Correct. Now, Mike, if you could advance the slides there, let's
have
a look at the nex slide. [Mike finds the projector controls and
advances the
slide. More text.] And what is this slide of?
MIKE: A passage from "Dreamy," also written by Mike C.
SERVO: And inspired by John Kricfalusi.
CROW: Advance the slide again, Mike. [slide advances to a third batch
of
text] And this is today's experiment. Notice the similarities, in
spite of
it being a slightly better story?
MIKE: Suddenly, I'm horribly depressed.
SERVO: I don't think Krankor is coming this time, either.
MIKE: Did you find out how long this "script" of sorts is?
CROW: Sixteen pages.
SERVO: Which means we've got about a dozen more to read...
[commertial light flashes]
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[commertials]
==============================================================
Continued in Part [2/3]