MiSTing: "Spider-Man: The Movie" [PG] [2/4]
Matthew Blackwell
[As Mike enters, Tom and Crow are already seated.]
Crow: Mike, I think I actually ended up with Spider
Snowboard powers, so I might be doing some shredding
later.
Tom: I think my internal organs are dissolving.
Mike: Crow, you do that. Tom, if your organs do dissolve,
try not to expel the remains towards me, 'kay?
>
>Cut to him drinking half a gallon of milk. Eating
>voraciously.
Mike: Liquid Plumber, beer cans, dry wall. It's all food
to Peter.
Crow: Soon, he'll be living in a dollhouse making fun of
the bible, then wrecking Las Vegas.
Tom: It's sad, really.
> Replacing the protein he has used up. His
>aunt is pleased with his appetite.
>
Mike: Up until he starts chasing the cat.
>That night he is working on his homework, trying not to
>let this new reality ruin his life.
Crow: Goofus mutates, and neglects his studies as he explores
every inch of his new powers. Gallant quickly calms down
and tries to return to a normal routine.
> His window is open.
Tom: Allowing yummy mosquitoes to enter.
>He looks out into the darkness.
Mike: And the darkness looks back.
>It beckons to him. The blackness, once a source of fear,
>is now welcoming. He goes through the window, into the
>world of night.
Tom: o/~ Come and hear the muuuuusic of the night! o/~
> Instead of leaving his home, he feels
>like he is going home.
>
Tom: We really should introduce him to Ungoliant sometime.
Crow: Oh yeah, they'll hit it off for sure.
>He climbs onto the roof.
Mike: He begins to fiddle.
Crow: o/~ When this old world starts getting me down... o/~
> He can see perfectly. He leaps
>to the house next door.
Tom: Scaring the bejesus out of his neighbors.
> The heights don't scare him in
>the least. He takes off running...
>
Tom: Then remembers that he can't fly...
Crow: That Aztec guy ought to show up any time now.
Mike: Him or Robert Culp.
>TRACKING SHOT, going with Peter as he leaps from roof to
>roof... running along the peaks... finally leaping to a
>streetlight and doing a full flip around it.
Tom: Flip *around*?
Crow: That spider must have bitten Keri Strug at some point.
> He shoots
>some webbing onto the lightstandard and slowly lowers
>himself to the street, landing perfectly. He bows
>theatrically to nobody.
Mike: But the grips and the gaffers appreciate the bow.
>This is great!
>
Mike: But the French judges only gave it a 5.5.
>He doesn't know what's happening to him, thinks he is a
>freak,
All: We agree!
> his body has become a stranger. Hopefully this
>will be seen correctly as a metaphor for puberty
All: HOPEFULLY?!
Mike: If that's what you wanted, what're you doin' in
HIGH school? Junior high is where the hormones are.
> and its
>awakening of primal drives --
Crow: Geez. You're going to need a film degree to understand
this film!
> everybody goes through this
>growing awareness that powerful forces are driving them
>beneath their supposedly rational consciousness.
>
Tom: Well, *humans* do at least.
Crow: [snicker]
Mike: Laugh it up, guys. At least I don't run in terror
when the recycling truck drives by.
>SEQUENCE of Peter in the world of night. Climbing sheer
>buildings... exploring. Learning.
Tom: Loving. Laughing.
> Leaping from roof to
>roof to fire-escape to freeway overpass.
>
Mike: Then down to the cold, hard pavement. Now let's
do a montage of Peter heading to the hospital...
>Just when he is starting to get cocky, he slips off the
>sheer face of a high-rise and falls.
Crow: [basso] PUMAMAN! Oh, wait, no. It's Peter.
> He shoots a silk-
>strand out wildly...
Tom: No need to be embarrassed - it happens to everyone.
> it catches on something and he swings
>in a wild arc through the darkness. He slams against
>another building and sticks by his palms and feet.
Mike: Yeah, now he dreadingly looks up to see his web strand
on a 747 to Boston.
>
>He takes a breath, looking down. Close one, but he is
>exhilarated. Wants to push it further.
Tom: The suicidal part of Spiderman...
> It is the first
>time in his life he has ever been good at anything
>physical. It is like a dream.
Mike: Which explains the kangaroo doing the backstroke with
Madam Lafarge over by the lollypop tree.
>
>We explore the idea that the lure of the dark replaces
>fear of the dark...
Crow: Even though we already did that a couple pages ago...
> that the dark becomes a comforting,
>nurturing place for Peter, rather than a place of dread
>and uncertainty. He feels at home in the dark, secure
>there...
Tom: After all, if it's dark nobody can see what he's
doing with his hands.
> it is the place he seeks for solace, for peace.
>Everything is backward for him.
Crow: It's gnihtyreve!
> Night becomes his day...
>heights, previously terrifying now attract him.
Tom: Now that's a weird fetish...
> The air
>becomes his water, he swims weightless where other mortals
>would plummet and break.
Mike: [Minnewegian] Oh, it sounds like the boy's all hopped up
the goofballs, donchaknow?
Tom: [Minnewegian] Yah, I heard that stuff'll make ya think
yer head's just meltin' clean off dere.
>He is at home in places others fear.
Crow: Like the DMV. Or the IRS. Or the stands at a Mets game
on "rusty battery" night.
>And it stirs something dark inside him.
>A predatory urge.
Mike: Peter decides to head over to Au Bar...
>
>We see Peter following a figure far below the street.
Tom: You mean in the sewers?
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.
> He
>runs along a rooftop effortlessly.
Tom: But he was just under the street...
> A shadow in the
>moonlight. The person below has no idea he is being
>stalked.
Mike: Well, if he did notice that would kind of defeat
the purpose of stalking him...
>We will hear Peter's thoughts (the equivalent of the
>thought-bubble word balloons) as a voice over.
Crow: o/~ Pop-up Movie! o/~
> He is
>tripping on the power of being able to come and go like a
>wraith... to watch without being seen.
Tom: Oh, Spiderman's rarely used Intangibility power!
Crow: Neat! When's he gonna use his heat vision?
Mike: Well, they gotta leave some for the sequel ya know.
> The ability to go
>anywhere he wants without asking permission.
Mike: Unless Aunt May grounds him.
> He feels
>like an adult for the first time. A man.
>
Tom: Well, that would explain where Spider-Girl came from.
>He goes to Mary Jane's house.
Crow: Something bad's going to happen, isn't it?
Mike: All sign's point to yes.
> Drop down from the roof and
>looks in her window.
Crow: Great, Spiderman's a peeping Tom.
Tom: Or Bill Clinton.
Crow: Did I mention that I hate this script?
Mike: No, I don't think you have yet.
Crow: Well, there you go.
> She turns off the light, and
>thinking she is unobserved, strips off her clothes. She
>slips into bed in just her panties and a T-shirt.
Crow: Did I mention that I like this script?
Mike: Ha ha.
> But
>even this forbidden glimpse is too much for Peter.
Mike: Peter goes into convulsions when he spots a
"Maxim" at 7-11.
> He
>loses his concentration and with it his palm grip on the
>wall. He crashes into the rose bushes.
Crow: And Ozzie Nelson rushes out to see what all the
fuss is about.
> He is bounding
>into the darkness as lights come on in the house behind
>him.
>
Tom: Gunshots following in his wake.
Mike: Durn smoochers!
>CUT TO Peter, asleep in class. The teacher calls him
>aside as the class files out, and asks him what is going
>on.
Crow: Mother, mother. There's too many of us dying.
> His grades are slipping.
Mike: Possibly because he was sleeping in class?
> The straight A student has
>slipped off the track. Peter says its a personal problem.
Tom: Well, I guess being mutated would constitute a
personal problem...
>He should be fine. But we see that he is changing. His
>life is changing.
Mike: Oh, like what happened in Dharma and Greg?
>
>Peter figures there must be a way for him to make some
>money with his new-found powers.
>
Tom: Of course, Peter's skills in science couldn't
possibly be used to make him any money...
>Peter has a piece of cardboard and a magic marker. He
>writes Human Spider on the cardboard. Thinks about it.
Tom: No, I don't think so.
>Naw. He turns it over and writes...
Crow: What is the Spanish-American War?
> Man Spider.
>Naw.
>He gets another piece and writes Spider Man.
>Naw.
Mike: The Amazing Man Spider?
>He turns it over to write something else,
Crow: The Sub-Mariner, perhaps?
> then he turns it
>back. Looks at it. Mmmmm.
Tom: The Dauntless Donut Man!
>
>Cut to the sign leaning against a light pole on the
>boardwalk Rockaway.
Mike: Someone should have told Peter that mime doesn't pay.
> Peter has a black fishnet stocking
>over his head, and dressed all in black, starts climbing
>street-lights and doing gymnastics.
Crow: Y'know, usually fishnets and streetlights have a
slightly different context.
Mike: Well - try no to dwell on it.
> People throw
>quarters, and even some dollars in a dish next the the
>sign.
Crow: Great. Now I'm getting "Attack of the Eye Creatures"
flashbacks.
> Peter works a few hours,
Tom: Then gets carted off by the police when they find
out that Spiderman doesn't have the right permits.
> staking out some turf
>between a mime and a guy using upside-down plastic pails
>as drums.
>
Crow: This must be what it's like to be Ed McMahon.
>A guy asks him if he works private parties and Peter
>shrugs, sure.
Crow: He doesn't want any details, or anything?
Tom: Peter's very lonely.
> The guy tells him he'll pay fifty bucks,
>but Peter should get a better costume.
>
Mike: [man] Maybe something a little more clingy, and
with a low neckline.
>Peter, in class... drawing in his math notebook as the
>teacher drones at the black-board.
Tom: Okay kids, here's what you can do
> He is doodling a
>costume. We see several bad designs.
Crow: He couldn't figure out where to put the pocket protector.
Tom: And that gigantic thorax would only get in the way.
>
>CUT TO Peter working on the costume.
Mike: Good thing he took Home Economics!
> He buys a snappy
>lycra dance-skin at a dance studio.
Tom: With cute little tassels, and bright shiny buttons!
> It is red and
>midnight blue. With liquid thread he draws goofy web-
>patterns all over it.
Crow: Thus indicating he's Spiderman, and not some freak in a
leotard.
> A black spider on the chest. And a
>big red spider on the back. He tries it on. Not bad.
Tom: Apparently, being mutated by a radioactive spider
destroys any and all fashion sense.
> He
>pulls the fishnet over his head. It disguises his
>features just enough.
Mike: Next, the button saying, "Hi! My name is PETER PARKER"
> He cuts eye-shapes out of black
>material and glues them on... big jack-o'-lantern eyes,
>wise and a little wicked in their shape.
Crow: Of course, now he's blind as a bat.
Mike: [Pete] Here I gooooo *whumpf* Ow! *whumpf* Ow! *whumpf*
Ow! Dangit!
>
>Last, he makes wrist pieces out of two old watch bands and
>some cigarette lighters which he silver-solders together.
Tom: Filled with jellignite, he straps these to his belt.
His fantasy of taking out the whole school seems closer.
>They do nothing.
Mike: Just like Uncle Ben!
> He will tell everyone he made these
>high-tech wrist shooters which simulate spider-silk.
Crow: Whether they ask him about them or not.
> He
>doesn't want them to think he's a freak of nature.
Tom: So, sticking to walls and such is perfectly normal?
Crow: Yeah, thanks to the Wall of Velcro!
> They
>are situated in such a way that his biological spinnerets
>are just hidden, but unimpeded. It looks like the silk is
>shooting out of the wrist bands.
>
All: [monotone] Ha. Ha. Ha. Your costume is ridiculous.
>In front of the mirror he practices poses. Turning.
Mike: Vogueing. He starts to sing "Lucky Star"...
>Catching the light.
Tom: Imitating Hitchcock.
> He works on his voice, lowering it.
>We see him becoming another person.
Crow: Wally Cox!
> Spider Man is born,
>out of Peter the boy. Spider Man is everything Peter is
>not... confident, cocky. Physical.
Tom: I was just kidding about the Intangibility part.
> Powerful. Smooth.
>Ready with a snappy one-liner.
Crow: And a witty retort?
Mike: David Letterman *is* Spider-Man!
> We see long-repressed
>aspects of Peter coming out,
Crow: He begins subscribing to "The Advocate."
> being given form and
>substance behind the mask.
Crow: Geez Louise, the symbolism of "The Mask" is subtler
than this!
Mike: [Peter, but a la The Mask] Ssssppinnin'!!
>
>Aunt May, at the bathroom door, asks Peter when he is
>going to be done rehearsing for the play... it's late.
Tom: [Peter] Sorry, I'm not home right now! I'm walking
in the spiderweb! Leave a message and I'll call
you back!
>Peter, flustered, whips off the mask.
Crow: Are they doing the stage version of American Pie?
> He reverts
>instantly to himself. The fantasy broken.
Tom: Mr. Whipper shrank back to his hidey-hole.
Mike: Ick! Bad robot! Bad!
>
>Next we have a sequence of scenes where we see Spider Man
>become a public phenomenon. He does his spider tricks at
>an upscale party... climbing walls, swinging across the
>room. They pay him 50 bucks.
[All snicker.]
Mike: Yes, the highlight of every "upscale" party, the $50
trained fool!
> A booking agent sees him
>and wants to put him on a public access variety show...
Tom: And he's never heard from again.
> a
>kind of Gong Show for weird acts. He gets noticed, and
>becomes a kind of 3 a.m. cult favorite.
Mike: He's almost as big as the exploding robot!
> His put-on deep
>voice becomes natural to him. He tells the interviewer
>that he built his wrist-shooters himself,
Crow: Out of coconuts of course.
Mike: I hope they don't ask him how they work...
> and that the
>webbing formula is a secret, but that the chemical process
>is similar to rayon.
Crow: And its name is rayon. And it shall be a good man.
>
>CUT TO an opulent mansion in Manhattan.
Tom: Donald Trump plans his presidential campaign.
> Marble floors.
>Priceless art on the walls. Camera tracking through the
>luxurious darkness,
Crow: Past the buttery blackness into a cloyingly rich shadow.
> to a vast living room with a fire
>burning in an enormous fireplace.
>
Mike: Because having it burn on the sofa would've just been
a bad choice.
>One wall of the room is covered with TV screens. A FIGURE
>watching it from a high-backed chair.
Tom: So it's either Donald Pleasance, or Dr. Claw.
> Watching the
>Amazing Spider Man on the variety show. A hand appears
>from behind the chair-back.
Mike: Hey, it's Thing again!
Crow: I was wondering when he would show up again.
> With a minute gesture (and no
>remote) the hand commands the TV screens, and they all
>switch to the channel on which Spider Man is performing.
Mike: Then the guy's wife comes in, complaining that he never
lets her have control of the hand.
>Twenty images of Spider Man on cable as...
Tom: The sentence trails off...
>
>The audience claps and the host makes some backhanded
>compliment. A joke at Spider Man's expense.
Crow: Oh. He's on "The Daily Show."
> Peter, eager
>to please, doesn't get it.
Mike: No surprise here.
> He does another trick.
Tom: Peter's been learning from Omar Sharif.
> The
>band strikes up and they go to commercial.
Mike: This is really well funded for a public access show.
>
>We reveal the figure in the chair. This is CARLTON
>STRAND.
Crow: [laconic] Your doorman.
> He is in his early forties and exudes power from
>every pore.
Tom: Teams of dermatologists work round the clock on a cure.
> He is wearing a very expensive custom
>tailored suit. His hair slicked back, very GQ.
Crow: [confused] Grace Quigley? What?
> His nails
>are manicured. His watch is platinum.
Tom: [Life of Brian] His bones are old. His back is bent.
His teeth are grey.
> He is the image of
>vast wealth attained not inherited.
Mike: So, I guess what you're trying to say here is that
this guy's pretty wealthy, right?
>
> SPIDER MAN (V.O.)
> Carlton Strand. You think Trump was big.
> This guy was bigger.
Crow: No comment.
Mike: A wise choice my friend.
> There he was sitting
> like a big fat spider at the center of
> his web of power and megabucks... and way
> out at the edge he feels this little
> vibration.
>
Mike: The downstairs neighbors must be playing their
boombox again.
>Strand's eyes are piercing, blazing with a malevolent
>intelligence.
Crow: A little Visine'll take care of that for ya.
> He waves one hand minutely and the TV set
>goes off. A man enters the room.
Tom: Agent Cooper!
> A square-jawed, solid
>looking guy with a powerful build, named BOYD.
Crow: Wow, Oil Can did pretty good for himself since
leaving the Red Sox.
>
> STRAND
> Find out everything you can about this
> Spider Man.
>
Tom: [Strand] Then bring me one of those ice scrapers. A
green one, with the brush on the end.
>Body nods and exits.
>
Crow: Wait, which body? What's going on here?
>CUT BACK TO SPIDER MAN hanging from the radio tower of the
>World Trade Center. We will return periodically
>throughout the film to this image of him in his eyrie.
Tom: Canal?
Mike: Yeah, I'll agree that it's pretty eerie, all right.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> But he wasn't always Carlton Strand any
> more than I was always your friendly
> neighborhood Spider Man. At one time he
> was just a punk names Carl...
Tom: Another time he was Candy, a telemarketer from Oslo.
> a two time
> loser about to go down for the third time.
> It was about ten years ago that Strand
> got his cosmic tap on the shoulder...
Mike: It's probably Vishnu. He keeps bugging me to loan
him money.
>
>TEN YEARS AGO, NEW MEXICO DESERT:
Tom: Thousands of people leave the Bronx.
>
>The wind is blowing sand across a desolate stretch of
>desert highway. It is dusk and storm clouds have turned
>the sky prematurely black. A single car rocketing along
>at high speed. Blue and red lights come over the hills
>behind it. Gaining.
>
Crow: So, they aren't being chased by the police, just lights?
>Inside the car we see a younger and very different Carlton
>Strand.
Tom: Whoops! Sorry, that's Jeff Gordon. We've accidentally
switched to the Brickyard 400.
> He has crummy clothes, a four day beard and a
>desperate look in his eye.
Mike: So, basically, he looked like Steve Buscemi.
> He's talking to somebody named
>Bobby, trying to keep him calm, but you hear the panic in
>Strand's voice.
Crow: [Strand] Look, I *swear* there were TWO Whoppers in the
bag when we left the drive through.
Mike: ["Bobby", menacing] Yeah, but there's only one now!
>
>A view of the backseat reveals Bobby, slumped in the seat.
>Bobby has been shot in the stomach and isn't holding up
>his side of the conversation.
Crow: Wuss.
Tom: Heck, you can blow my head clean off and I'll still
keep talking!
> The desert rolls by unseen
>by his staring eyes.
Crow: Ray Charles?
>
>A Highway Patrol car pulls behind Strand's stolen Mercury.
>Strand fires a pistol out the window at them. The running
>gun-battle results in both cars crashing spectacularly.
Mike: Details? Nah. Why bother?
>
>Strand leaps from the wrecked car, as more cops appear
>over the hill, lights blazing.
Tom: [cop] Dammit Hank, I told you we shoulda brought guns!
> He runs out into the
>scrubby desert clutching his pistol and a couple stacks of
>bills... the pitiful score from their robbery gone sour.
>
Crow: At least he picked up those diapers for Arizona.
>ON STRAND, running. He reaches a fence and climbs over
>it. Nearby is a small cabin, with a sign on it that says
>"Lightning Field House".
Tom: I see Mrs. Field's has branched out to weather-related
bed and breakfasts.
> A man comes out of the cabin,
>yelling something at him. Strand ignores him, running on
>into the desert.
>
>He comes upon a strange place a mile further out.
Mike: The Mustang Ranch?
> It is a
>field of stainless steel towers, straight rods over a
>hundred feet high. There are hundreds of them, in perfect
>rows, covering two acres. It is a conceptual art-piece...
Crow: Oh, so that's why it makes no sense.
>a sculpture called "The Lightning Field". Carl doesn't
>know this. And he doesn't give a shit.
Mike: Ooh. That could be a serious medical problem. You
might want to see a doctor.
> He stops amongst
>the towers, exhausted.
>
>The cops reach the shack and the guy tells them they can't
>go any further... the towers are designed to attract
>lightning and if there's a strike, they'd be toast.
Mike: Well, really they'd be closer to chicken strips than toast.
>
>Strand sees lightning strobing through the black,
>turbulent sky. He crouches behind a tower, panting,
>gripping his gun.
Tom: Hopefully the one for shooting, and not the one for fun...
> Ready to make a stand. It is full
>night now, a wild howling night filled with the fury of a
>desert storm.
Mike: Special guest appearance by General Norman Schwarzkopf.
> Thunder rolls across the hills.
>
Crow: Garth Brooks begins to sing about beating his wife.
>Suddenly the Lightning Field is struck.
Tom: Gosh, I didn't see that one coming.
Crow: Hrmph. A real writer would have had a piece of
were-raspberry jello show up and bite him.
> As it was
>designed to, it takes the energy of the lightning bolt and
>distributes it from tower to tower until the whole thing
>is blazing with blinding electric arcs in a huge
>rectangular matrix.
Crow: Now here's a good use of your tax dollars. Art that
can only be appreciated in the pouring rain!
> Caught at the center of it Strand is
>crucified by lightning from every direction.
Mike: Well, that's not really crucifixion, is it?
> He is in a
>vortex of electric fields never before experienced by a
>human being.
Crow: Unless they've been trapped in a clothes dryer
with a bunch of sweaters and cats.
> It lifts him off his feet with the power of
>the charge. In tight close-up, we see it arcing inside
>his eyeballs.
Tom: Using patented eyeball cam!
> The money drops from his hands... the bills
>igniting into flaming moths that swirl away on the wind.
Mike: So... if electricity turns people into supervillains,
why do we use the electric chair?
>
>The cops watch the gorgeous, terrifying display.
Tom: Watch lightning show or catch criminal? Hmmm?
>Strand hits the ground, smoking and motionless.
>The cops, watching through binoculars, know it is over.
Tom: [cop] Okay, he's done. Get a shovel. And a
pair of oven mitts.
>It begins to rain, obscuring their view. They get out a
>thermos of coffee and settle in to wait for morning.
>
>ON STRAND'S BODY.
Tom: o/~ Carl Strand's body lies a-sizzlin' in the grave,
his stench still lingers on. o/~
> Still. Then, incredibly, he stirs. He
>sits up, groggy and disoriented.
Crow: Hangover Man! Look! All the Pez in the world has
disappeared!
>
>Strand escapes in the rain, finding a dirt road through
>the nearby hills. He comes to a ranch house with a pickup
>truck. He tries the key.
Tom: Wow. This guy has Teela Brown-sized luck!
> Nothing. He pops the hood and
>looks... there is no battery.
Mike: Just a tiny wheel and a bunch of hamster bones.
> In a rage he grabs the two
>battery cables. The engine starts to turn over.
Crow: Then it pokes him in the ribs and goes back to sleep.
> He looks
>at his hands and realizes the voltage is coming from his
>body. He starts the car and slams it into gear... tearing
>out into the rainy night.
>
Tom: Only to grind to a halt as the car runs out of gas.
Mike: Shouldn't Battery Boy here short out in all this rain?
>He begins to comprehend that somehow he has been changed
>by the powerful matrix of electric fields.
Crow: Changed in a way OTHER than to a smoldering pile
of ashes.
> That he now
>can generate a powerful charge, like an electric eel.
>
Mike: Or like Reddy Killowatt.
Crow: He also started saying "Pika" a lot.
>CUT TO STRAND walking into a back-room meeting of a few of
>his hood acquaintances. It is weeks later and they are
>surprised to see him. They thought he was dead.
>
Mike: His oil paintings had jumped in value almost 80%.
>He says he was.
Tom: Then he began to sing the "Sir Robin" song.
> For a few minutes. He got zapped by
>lightning out in the desert. While running from the cops.
Crow: It also. Disoriented. His. Use of Punctuation.
>Somebody set him up. The cops were waiting when he and
>Bobby pulled the job.
Mike: Denis Leary was even more P.O.'d than usual.
> You guys wouldn't know anything
>about that, would you?
Crow: Hey, don't look at us!
Tom: Yeah, we didn't have anything to do with it!
Mike: I'm pretty sure that was dialogue, guys.
>
>He says he died in the desert and came back... but he came
>back changed.
Crow: He starts looking for angora sweaters.
> He grabs the leader and stops his heart
>with a zap to the chest.
>
Mike: But George Clooney quickly appeared with his
defibrillators to save the day!
>Then Strand demonstrates his power over life and death.
Crow: Hey! *I* wanted that power!
>He puts his hands on the guy's chest and yells, jokingly,
>"Clear!"
Tom: Michael?
Mike: Huh?
> He zaps him again and the crook's heart starts to
>beat. He begins to come around.
>
Crow: And sues Carlton for malpractice.
>Now they fear him. They start to go for their guns.
>Strand blasts them with powerful bursts of electrical
>energy, blowing them back against the walls.
Mike: Strand's a dancin' with himse-elf.
> They
>collapse, their clothing on fire.
Tom: Hey, this season's hot new look!
> Only the leader is
>left, the guy who set Strand up.
Crow: [crook] So...uh, how's the kids?
>Strand is clearly in total command of his new power.
Tom: There were no "premature discharges", ifyaknowwhatImean.
> He
>explains that there is more to it than just being able to
>generate, channel and project electrical energy.
Mike: He can also generate a lovely new car smell.
Tom: He instantly unclogs stubborn hair and grease clogs.
Crow: And he now knows all the words to "Subterranean
Homesick Blues".
>
>He can sense electrical energy as well.
Tom: He starts watching static-filled channels because they
have a really kickin' beat.
> The world to him
>has been transformed.
All: o/~ Cause he's got a golden ticket! o/~
> Instead of matter, solid things, he
>sees energy. A pulsing web of electric fields.
Mike: The lightning turned him into Geordi LaForge?
> He can
>sense the current in the wires in the walls.
Crow: [hood] Yeah, I got that when you said you saw energy.
Can I die now please?
> By laying
>his hand on a telephone wire he can "hear" the
>conversation.
Mike: Which... considering each wire carries a thousand
conversations at once is kind of useless, but still!
> By touching a computer he can download the
>data from its hard-drive.
Tom: Wow! Downloading porn straight to the brain! Er,
one of the brains, at least.
> His brain itself has been
>energized...
Crow: Oh, now he's the Riddler!
> and is now able to follow and analyze all
>these signals.
Mike: So we're not even going to take a stab at technobabble?
Tom: All things considered, things are looking up!
> The world is a pulsing circulatory system
>of electrical and electromagnetic currents and waves. In
>fact... he can't shut it out.
Crow: He's just too full of love.
>
>The real power, he says, is not force but information.
>Then force.
>
Mike: Then information again. Then back to force. Then
information. Then he switches over to yodeling
for a while. Then back to force.
>He kills the leader of the gang and takes his place.
Crow: Which is much easier to do after he set the rest of
the gang on fire...
>But he quickly realizes that the kind of crime these guys
>were involved in was at a penny-ante level. The real rip-
>offs were happening at a much higher level...
Tom: Convenience stores and airport shops!
> the multi-
>billion dollar leveraged buyouts, corporate takeovers,
>offshore bank scams.
>
Mike: Oh, he joined Enron.
>He takes the resources of the two-bit crime syndicate and
>takes them legit.
Crow: They open a chain of dipped beef sandwich shops, with
franchises in Rochedale, Buffalo, and coming soon to
Claverack!
> Then using his ability to steal and
>manipulate data, he builds them into a mega-player.
Mike: Of what? Who knows? But it sounds cool!
> He is
>utterly ruthless, brilliant, feared. And almost magical
>in the way he knows everything that is going on.
Tom: So being hit by lightning makes you omnipotent?
Mike: It didn't work for my Uncle Roy.
> Anyone
>that stands in his way seems to conveniently die of a
>heart attack.
>
Crow: I wonder what Larry King and Dave Letterman did
to annoy him?
>He considers the brute force display of power to be
>vulgar.
Tom: A string of heart attack victims would beg to differ.
> The real power is the power to move the world...
>through control of economic forces which are beyond the
>realm of most people's imagination... Donald Trump meets
>Milken,
Tom: Milken Trump?
Crow: Sounds like one of his wives.
> mixed with homicidal psychosis. He knows he is
>unique in all the world, destined for greatness, destined
>to use the masses of everyday mortals for his own gain.
Crow: Another one? Well, get in line.
Tom: Bond Villain Philosophy 101.
>
>CUT BACK TO PRESENT, in Strand's mansion. A WOMAN enters
>the room. She is stunningly beautiful.
Tom: But dumb as a walk-in pie.
> The kind of
>consort you would expect for a man of wealth, power and
>taste. This is CORDELIA.
Crow: She's wandered over from the "Angel" set.
> He motions her to him and she
>glides over, but stops a foot away.
>
> STRAND
> I must say, my dear. You look very usable
> tonight.
>
Tom: Oh, very romantic.
Crow: [Cordellia] Whatever, the meter's running.
>She smiles playfully. He circles her, almost touching
>her.
Tom: Does this bug her? He's not touching her.
> His hands move over her... inches from her skin. He
>leans close and breathes in her scent. But he can't touch
>her.
>
Crow: She's been polybagged for collectability.
>She opens her silk robe.
Tom: Saaaay!
Mike: Suddenly, this story's become interesting!
> Underneath she is wearing a
>rubber wetsuit.
Tom: Oh.
Mike: Latex! Even better!
Crow: Mike, you're scaring us.
> He touches the rubber, running his
>fingertips over her. We hear a faint crackling of
>electricity. She seems both excited and apprehensive.
Tom: Whoops! We've wandered into a "Red Shoe Diaries"
script.
>
> STRAND
> I want you. Not rubber.
>
> CORDELIA
> No, Carl--
>
> STRAND
> Yes!
>
>Strand doesn't like the concept of no.
Crow: The concept of "Baby Bob" freaks him out a bit, too.
> He takes her in
>his arms and kisses her. With passion.
Tom: And tongue as well.
> And more... her
>hair stands straight out with the electrostatic charge.
Mike: The part of Cordelia will be played by Macy Gray.
>She begins to convulse, in tiny shivers at first but then
>like an epileptic.
Mike: Ugh.
Tom: Cameron added this because a studio head was convinced
watching women being tortured would be the "next big
thing".
> Suddenly she goes limp. Her eyes
>stare fixedly at the ceiling.
>
Crow: So, she's thinking of England?
> STRAND
> Shit.
Mike: [Strand] Didn't expect that completely foreseeable
consequence.
>
>He drops her on a couch. Stands there in misery and
>isolation.
>
Tom: He's in a Cure song.
Mike: So...he can't touch anybody without electrocuting them?
Crow: And you thought you were frustrated!
Mike: ...shut up.
>Strand has the midas touch.
Tom: Everything he touches turns into a muffler?
Crow: And here's a flashback to tell you how he got that...
> He has everything and
>nothing.
Mike: He's Zen Man!
> His electrical sense gives him the power to
>manipulate computer bank transfers, the stock market,
>etc... to make himself a billionaire.
Tom: Actually his riches are just the accumulated savings
from never having to buy batteries.
> To sit at the
>center of the world's great electronic web and feel its
>vibrations.
Crow: Remember, even though we haven't seen him for a while,
this is still a Spider-Man movie.
>So he has everything.
>
Tom: I bet he doesn't have the whitening power of bleach.
Mike: In summary- Strand. A man who has everything.
>But he cannot touch another person, or shake hands,
>without a great effort of will to control his electrical
>potential.
Crow: The theory was, in the theater, the film would stop
every ten seconds so Cameron could come out and explain
what the scene meant.
> And if he lets his guard down, in an intimate
>moment with a woman, he will kill her with the high
>voltage discharge. His love is deadly.
Tom: His acting, more so.
Mike: He's Lita Ford Man!
> So he has learned
>to live without love, without the comfort of human touch,
>emotion, contact.
Tom: 'Cuz a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.
>So he has nothing.
>
Crow: Except for big honkin' wads of cash.
>He quickly unzips the front of her wetsuit and puts his
>hands under the rubber. ZAP!
Mike: Scott Baio!
> Her body arches.
Tom: Faking.
> He steps
>back, scowling. Impatient. Her eyes flutter open and she
>struggles to breath.
Crow: [Cordelia] Any calls while I was out?
>
> CORDELIA
> I don't know how much more of this I can
> take, Carl.
>
Mike: She keeps at it 'cause he makes her feel all tingly.
Tom: [Strand] Cordy? Don't you love me anymore? I know
that if our situations were reversed, I'd gladly
let you electrocute me...
>PETER STARTS slipping as a student, missing sleep...
Crow: That's ok, he can make it up in class.
Tom: And we missed a scene transition.
>feeling the strain of a dual life. The only subject which
>has kept his attention is biology, and he reads
>voraciously on spiders... ostensibly for his term project.
Crow: In reality, he was compensating for his deep-rooted
ignorance of head lice.
>
>Mary Jane of course hates him for volunteering them for
>such a disgusting project. Thinks he's a geek.
Mike: And really, is she so far off the mark?
Tom: And our guest geek, the Spider Geek!
> He tries
>to get her to see the beauty in spiders...
Crow: Yeah, but dressing them up in miniskirts is just wrong!
> how perfect
>they are, how amazing, how their engineering is
>astounding, how flawless they are as predators...
Mike: [Pete, in a nerdy voice] And, and, and did you know
that some spiders, hrm, some spiders can eat over
two whole pounds of insects a day? Hm? Didja?
Tom: [MJ] Ew! Um, Peter, is that a gnat in your teeth?
> how
>adaptable etc...
Crow: [nerd] How they've seen like every single episode of
Doctor Who!
> how amazing their web-making ability
>is...
Tom: In comparison to that of, say, a dog, skink, or ocelot.
> with the equivalent strength for its size greatly in
>excess of steel... how they can vary the width, speed,
>texture, stickiness etc.
>
Mike: How they turn their food's internal organs into liquid
and suck them out?
>He tells her how some species actually care for their
>young.
Crow: Until they bring some home some hotshot millipede
punk boyfriend with no respect for an honest day's
work!
> The mother spider can distinguish the vibrations
>in the web caused by her own young from the movements of
>prey of enemies...
Mike: Mainly by the screech as the older spider siblings give
the younger ones horrendous eight-legged wedgies.
Crow: Still bitter, Mike?
Mike: A tad, perhaps.
> they "see" by touch.
Tom: Granted, distinguishing the feel of a tiny spider from
some enormous bumbling wasp tangling goppy web around
itself ain't exactly advanced placement calculus.
> Cobweb spiders
>perform stroking motions on the web to call their young,
>and plucking motions to warn them of danger.
>
Tom: Or just to play old Molly Hatchet songs.
Crow: Huh. First time I ever learned something from one
of these things.
>Sometimes the mother cares for the young spiderlings by
>feeding them regurgitated food...
Mike: Well, it's either that or Hardee's.
Crow: Poor Petey never noticed how close "sparrows" was
to "spiders" in his zoology book.
> Mary Jane is grossed
>out, looking at him like he just crawled out from under a
>rock himself.
Tom: [MJ] Ew! You're creepier than that Condit guy!
> Somehow, in all this, he manages to make
>her laugh. She actually starts to like him.
>
Tom: Hey, what girl wouldn't be impressed by a guy
who knows his spiders?
>Peter is walking out of the school with Mary Jane when
>they are ambushed by Flash.
Mike: Wally's just annoyed that he doesn't have a movie yet.
Tom: Damn the luck, Flash got stung by a radioactive
tarantula hawk last week.
> He starts to ridicule Peter,
>then threatens him. Peter just clenches his jaw and backs
>away. Peter does not believe in violence...
Crow: [Peter] Don't hit, don't hit! Please, I abhor
violence!
> and he has
>never thrown a punch in his life. It just wouldn't occur
>to him.
>
Mike: Oh, what a _great_ superhero.
>Through a row of bushes he sees Flash grab Mary Jane by
>the arm and spin her around.
Crow: What the? But Peter was walking with Mary Jane just
a second ago!
Mike: It did say he left...
Crow: So he just hops into the bushes?
Mike: Apparently.
> They are arguing. Flash
>slaps her across the face.
Crow: [Flash, slapping] YOU, will STAND there, and LET me
ESTABLISH my CHARACTER!
> Peter is so enraged his hands
>snap a four inch tree limb without him realizing it.
Crow: Gah! Make up your mind, script! Is he in the bushes
or in a tree?
Tom: Wow. Good thing he abhors violence and all.
Mike: Flash is going to end up fed to a carnivorous
singing alien plant, I just feel it.
Crow: Cameron stole this plot from Kenny Rogers' "The
Coward of the County".
>
>Flash is walking to his car after gymnastics practice. It
>is dark. A figure drops silently down from behind him.
Mike: Carrot Top?
Crow: He's gone 1-800-CRAZY!
>Flash spins and sees a guy in a black fishnet mask.
>Thinking it is a robbery, Flash swings... only to grab his
>own fist in pain. It was like hitting oak.
>
Mike: Meanwhile Pete's standing off to the side, wondering why
Flash's hitting a tree.
>Peter holds Flash with one hand and slaps him hard.
Crow: He might not know how to punch, but Petey has a mean slap.
[Everybody snickers.]
>
> SPIDER MAN
> How do you like it? Huh?
>
Tom: I'd love to see the look on his face if Flash _did_ like it.
>He slaps him again, backhand. Then he cocks back his fist
>and BLAM!
>
Mike: Spontaneous combustion can strike at any time...
>Punches Flash so hard he flies ten feet. He picks him up,
>gets him in a painful armlock... marches him to his
>beloved Porsche and slams him brutally against it.
Tom: [Pete] You're taking up *two* parking spaces, you
punk!
> He
>pounds Flash into the car until the jock collapses,
Crow: He collapsed Flash's jock? Ewwwww!
> semi-
>conscious. Peter then rips a signpost out of the ground
>and pounds the car into junk. Glass flies everywhere.
Tom: He had one of those new all-glass Porsches.
Mike: Well, you know what they say - "People who drive glass
cars shouldn't tick off geeks with the proportional
strength of a spider".
>
>Peter leans close to Flash and tells him to stay away from
>Mary Jane... or else.
>
Crow: Granted, Flash is unconscious and can't hear the
warning...
>Cut to Peter running. He stops around a corner, out of
>sight.
Mike: Well, his life of not breaking the law has gotten
off to an auspicious start.
> In darkness he stands panting... looking down at
>his hands. He rubs his knuckles.
>
> SPIDER MAN (V.O.)
Tom: Incoming dialog!
> I wonder if every hero remembers their
> first punch.
Mike: Or their first cotillion.
> Well I do. Maybe it was all
> the bullies, over the years, kicking the
> skinny kid around.
Crow: [Peter] Maybe I was rationalizing my inability
to control my baser impulses.
> All that stored up
> rage just came out so fast it was scary.
Tom: And being hit with all that Gamma radiation only made
it worse.
Crow: [Peter] SPIDEY SMASH!
> For a split second I just wanted to kill
> him. It's a good thing his car was there.
> I always hated that Porsche.
Mike: Let's just forget the fact that Flash's face now has
the consistency of ground chuck.
Crow: Shush, we're hating the car now.
>
>Peter is gasping, shaking with emotion. He feels like
>this strange power flowing through him has unleashed
>demons.
Tom: Meanwhile in London, John Constantine feels a
crossover coming on and sighs.
> That he is becoming something he doesn't
>recognize.
Mike: A Rotarian?
Crow: A Snuffelupagus?
Tom: Lea Thompson?
> He doesn't realize that these primal forces
>are within us all...
Crow: [Cameron] OK, I realize that's a broad generalization,
but go with me on this one.
> and the power, like the power of
>adulthood... gives us the possibility of acting on those
>dark urges.
Tom: Uh... anybody follow that?
Mike: I think I liked Cameron better when he was just cranking
out Terminator films and plotting with the Masons to
take over the world.
Crow: Yeah, *that* at least made sense!
>
> SPIDER MAN
> But the scariest thing of all was...
Crow; That Flash seemed to enjoy the beating?
> belting that jock butthead felt so good.
Mike: Soon, Spiderman was punching everyone! The mailman!
Car salesmen! Former Senator George Mitchell!
>
>Peter takes the subway to Manhattan.
Tom: Thanks to Jared, he loses over 50 pounds.
> Changes in a rest-
>room. Soon, Spider Man is roaming the rooftops of the
>most dramatic city in the world.
Mike: He must be over the theater district.
> The high-rises of
>Manhattan become his domain.
Crow: http://www.spiderman.manhattan.com
> He swings across the
>concrete and glass canyons, 40 floors above the street,
>with ease and grace.
Mike: And with Will and Grace, too.
> It becomes a kind of private
>odyssey,
Crow: We'll get James Joyce to pinch up the script here.
> where he can go anywhere and observe the entire
>spectrum of human behavior like a ghost.
Tom: So he's going to all his old familiar haunts?
> He sees
>businessmen, cops, hookers, secretaries, junkies, car
>thieves, millionaires...
Crow: Wow! Krispy Kreme is busy tonight!
Mike: The "Hot donuts" light must be on.
> all jammed together in the
>concrete maze. He watches, unnoticed, through high-rise
>windows... as a man screams at his children, as a
>beautiful woman works out,
Crow: And the camera spends 5 minutes at this window.
> as a middle-aged man drinks
>himself into a stupor crying, as a young woman plays with
>a baby. His 17 year old mind can't make much sense of it.
Tom: Nor can ours. Well, enough of that! Now back to
that looker working out!
>Why some have so much, others so little. Why there needs
>to be so much pain.
>
Mike: And why does Pamela Anderson have another TV show?
>Peter comes into his room through the window, in his
>street clothes, at 2 a.m.
Mike: The next morning, the police shoe up to investigate
a possible burglary.
Crow: [Peter] Darn nosey neighbor!
> He sits on the bed... and the
>door opens from the hall. Ben comes in and sits in a
>chair. He doesn't turn on the light.
>
> BEN
> I know I'm not very good at the father
> thing, Pete.
Crow: [Ben] So if you don't mind, I'm gonna head down to
the pub and let Aunt May handle this.
> You came into my life twenty
> years past my prime time...
Mike: He's a "What's Happening" guy in a "Seinfeld" world.
> and I know
> you're wrestling with things now that I
> can't help you with much. I was your age
> once...
Tom: Almost three years ago.
> I know, it's hard to imagine.
> And it was the most painful, confusing
> time of my whole life.
Crow: [Peter] It gets better though, right?
Mike: [Ben] ...Uh, sure! Of course!
> I'm not going to
> pretend to have all the answers for you,
> but I want you to know we're here for you,
> May and I.
Mike: [Peter] Well, of course you are! It's not like
you're gonna die soon or something!
> You can talk to us. If you're
> having problems, we'll understand.
>
Tom: [Ben] Well, we'll act like we'll understand.
>Peter watches his uncle fumbling for the words.
Mike: And Pittsburgh recovers on the 30.
> He
>notices that Ben's hands are shaking. He is touched.
Crow: In an emotional way, and not in a Lifetime movie
type of way.
> But
>how can he tell them what's going on in his head?
Tom: Maybe through a song, like this...
> Being a
>teenager in the 90's is complex enough...
Mike: Good thing the 90's are over, then.
> Ben is obviously
>thinking drugs, sex, gangs...
Crow: It's all the old coot *ever* thinks about!
> but this Spider Man thing
>would be impossible to explain.
Mike: Not really. Spider absorbs radiation, spider bites boy,
boy becomes spider.
> He doesn't even
>understand it himself. Because he doesn't understand all
>the forces at work in his mind, conscious and sub-
>conscious.
Tom: You know, it just isn't a superhero movie without the
heavy handed psychobabble.
Crow: Oy vey.
> He thanks his uncle and tells him everything
>is okay.
Mike: "Anything," however, is not.
>
>Ben leaves the room, knowing he has failed.
Crow: [Ben] Oh well. Maybe I can help my other brother's kid
when he dies...
>
>Peter unbuttons his shirt.
Mike: Next time on Ally McBeal...
> Under it is the Spider Man
>costume. He looks at the spider emblem drawn on his
>chest. He takes the mask out of his back pocket and holds
>it in his hand. The eyes seem to stare back at him.
Tom: Accusingly. Perhaps even longingly...
>
>CUT TO Spider Man, creeping around a high-rise. He sees a
>man and a woman arguing.
Crow: It's the Lockhorns!
> The man starts beating up on her
>in a drunken rage. Peter can't stand to watch.
Tom: So he leaves.
> She cries
>and tries to run but the guy catches her... hits her
>again. And again. The next time he draw back his fist,
>he feels something grab it and turns...
Crow: And immediately gets a ticket for turning right on
red.
>
>There is a guy in a mask there!
Mike: Marv Albert?
> Peter decks the guy with
>one punch. It feels good to make a difference. To mete
>out a little justice. To defend the helpless...
Mike: To make other heroic clichés.
>
>Which is what he's thinking at the exact moment the woman
>smashes a frying pan down on his head from behind.
Tom: Ah, so it's *irony*!
[Mike and Crow groan.]
>
> WOMAN
> Leave my husband alone!!
>
>Now they're both beating on him, and he retreats in
>confusion.
Mike: Which isn't really unusual for Pete.
> This spider Man thing is going to be harder
>than he thought. People sure are complex.
Crow: Well, people not in this movie anyway.
> He has the
>physical powers, but not the wisdom. Yet.
>
Mike: [Ben] Dang! I *knew* I forgot something I was going
to say back there!
>Spying on Mary Jane, the girl of his dreams.
Tom: Ben and May sure did a good job raising him huh?
Mike: Geez. Ted Bundy was less screwed up than Peter.
> He discovers
>that her home life is a living hell, with mean-spirited
>and abusive parents.
Crow; And just yesterday they all went to a party at
Jack Taylor's.
> Mary Jane is desperately unhappy...
>living behind her mask of the popular girl. She has no
>one to share her pain.
Tom: Well, she can always go to the Mafia for guidance.
> Peter is struck by the parallel in
>their lives.
>
Mike: Pete, lots of people own Blondie albums.
>Peter makes the big time. A syndicated variety show, on
>one of the local independent stations.
Tom: Special guest appearance by Wayne Brady.
> The host
>introduces Spider Man and nobody comes on the stage.
Crow: Kaufmann used to do this bit.
> A
>beat... and then Peter (in costume) drops from the stage
>ceiling right toward the audience, which screams.
Tom: Then they all look for newspapers to swat him with.
> Peter
>swings and lands deftly on the stage. He does some
>amazing Spider stuff... swinging, web-shooting,
>acrobatics.
>
Mike: You know, non-descriptive stuff.
>After his appearance on the show. Spider Man is leaving
>backstage when he is approached by the most beautiful
>woman he has ever met. Cordelia.
Tom: Hey alright! The plots have converged!
Crow: Say, is she wearing that rubber suit again?
> She appears out of the
>shadows and hands him a note.
Tom: Deliver $3000 in small bills or else you'll see Aunt
May again.
> It says: THERE ARE OTHERS
>LIKE YOU.
Mike: Geeks in spandex?
Tom: Zantax can help.
Crow: Is this going to crossover with the X-men now?
>There is an address and time for a rendezvous if he wants
>to learn more.
Mike: Along with an ad for the Federation Mobile Infantry.
>
>He looks up and the woman is gone.
Tom: And there, on the sidewalk, lay a single red rose.
> He runs out the
>backstage door and sees her getting into a limo in the
>alley behind the studio. He reaches the car just as it is
>pulling away.
Crow: [Peter] Ma'am? You left behind your note!
>Suddenly a hand grabs him and spins him around.
>He confronts a solidly built guy in a trenchcoat,
Tom: The Question?
> a hat
>pulled down to shadow his mean eyes.
Tom: How can we tell if they're mean if we can't see them?
Crow: Maybe it's the "I'm not a nice guy" sign he's holding.
> BOYD.
Mike: Er, boyd.
Crow: I just don't understand this new slang.
> His hands are
>huge.
>
Tom: Braggart.
Crow: They're 12 1/2 inches!
Mike: Stop it.
>Peter tries to shrug off the grip, and is surprised that
>he can't. He punches Boyd in the stomach... but his fist
>sinks in up to the elbow. He pulls his hand out and sees
>that it is covered with... Sand. Huh??!!
Tom: Kitty Litter Man?
>
>Enter Sandman.
Mike: And cue the Metallica.
Crow: It's James Cameron vs. Neil Gaiman!
>Boyd slams Spider Man in the jaw with a roundhouse
>haymaker. It feels like concrete.
Tom: There are dozens of old Italian men in tank tops,
ridiculing his mix ratios.
Mike: [Italian] Iz-za too much sand! It crumble like-a
anisette toast!
> That's because Sandman
>can soften his body into sand, or harden any part of it
>into rock, at will.
Crow: Sand, rock. Pretty much the same thing.
Tom: Sooo... there was ANOTHER chase scene ending at a
conceptual art piece in a sandstorm, I guess.
>
>Spider Man is slammed back against the alley wall. Boyd
>clips him again,
Mike: Drawing a 15 yard penalty and bringing Spidey into
field goal range.
> then gut-punches him, doubling him over.
Mike: Ew, half-digested fly guts, coming up!
>One more solid roundhouse and Peter is on his knees,
>gasping.
>
Tom: Suddenly Arn Anderson jumps into the ring with a
folding chair! Oh, the humanity!
>He looks up, groggily. He know this guy is more than
>human.
Tom: Is he more than meets the eye, too?
> Peter yells and leaps up, putting all the force he
>has into a roundhouse which could go through the side of a
>truck.
Mike: And if Boyd were a truck, I'm sure we'd all be impressed
right now.
>It catches Boyd squarely in the face...
>And goes right through. There is an explosion of white
>sand.
>Boyd's face shifts and reforms.
Tom: So his face went straight?
> He brushes at the sand on
>the lapel of his coat.
Crow: And let's a couple kilos pour out of his pants leg.
> Then laughs eerily.
All: [Krankor] Ha! Ha! Haaaa!
>His face dissolves again, into sand, which runs down...
>his whole body losing its form, dropping into a puddle of
>sand, which drains through a grating down into some tunnel
>below the alley.
Tom: Leaving behind his clothes.
Mike: That's gonna be embarrassing.
> Only the coat and hat remain, and a few
>grains of sand blowing in the wind.
Tom: o/~ The sand grains are blowin' in the wind. o/~
>
>Peter is dumbfounded.
Mike: What else is new?
> He is not alone.
Crow: Duh. He's in New Yawk. 8 million people, don't cha
know?
> There are others
>with strange powers.
Tom: He probably should have deduced that from the
Justice League's weekly news conferences.
> But it is cold comfort if they are
>bastards like this sand-guy.
Crow: So... Strand recruits people by having his henchmen
nearly kill them?
Mike: I hear Bill Gates does the same thing.
> He limps down the alley to
>where he stashed his clothes and then climbs into the
>night.
>
Tom: The night is the top bunk bed? What?
>The next day Peter learns that making money as Spider Man
>is harder than he thought.
Crow: Well, there is a recession after all.
Mike: Parker? Complain to someone who didn't do temp work.
> The TV shows can't pay him
>cash,
Tom: So they just don't pay him.
> so he has the sleazy booking agent cash the checks
>for him.
Mike: Oh, smart.
Crow: I don't know, sleazy agent sounds kinda redundant.
> Peter gets his uncle Ben to drive him to the
>booking agent's building, under some pretense.
Tom: [Peter] Oh, I just need to see my dealer. He said he
got some pretty good stuff in last night.
> He goes in
>alone and changes into his costume in a restroom. Peter
>goes in to collect his money and the guy is broke, out of
>business. The guy tells him to beat it.
Mike: Then Eddie Van Halen rips into a guitar solo.
>
> SLEAZY AGENT
Crow: Yikes! Dialogue!
> Go ahead. You want to call the cops...
Tom: [Agent] Whatchoo gonna do? Whatchoo gonna do when
they come for you?
> Call 'en. I'm sure they'll be happy to
> press charges for you. The second you
> take off the stupid mask and show them
> some ID.
>
Mike: Ooh, touché.
Crow: [Peter] Damn, I wish there was something I could do
about this! Oh well....
>Peter doesn't want anyone to know who Spider Man is.
Tom: Which is why he parades around on TV, obviously.
> He
>doesn't want to be revealed as Peter Parker, the freak.
Mike: He wants to be revealed as Peter Parker, *MASTER THESPIAN*!
>He wants to spare his aunt and uncle the humiliation.
Crow: Little does Peter know that Ben and May once were known
as Captain Liberty and WAC Girl!
> As
>long as his identity is secret, then people can go on
>thinking the web-shooters are man-made gizmos... and not a
>part of him which he can not take off.
Tom: And that's why he can never marry Lois or Lana.
Crow: I don't know why I'm saying this in a teenage mutant
man-spider movie, but that logic makes no sense.
>
>As Peter is leaving, he encounters a robbery in progress
>on the same floor.
Tom: Thievery in an agent's office?! I'm shocked! Shocked!
Mike: Which saves us from yet another list of Petey's psychoses.
Thank you, contrivance!
> The thief is wearing a ski-mask.
Crow: Jean-Claude Killy! No!
> He
>does a double take at Peter... two masked guys staring at
>each other.
Crow: And then the luchedores begin to grapple.
Tom: Sampson went over to the dark side.
> Peter notices the thief has a tattoo of a
>cobra on his hand.
>
Crow: So C.O.B.R.A.'s reduced to robbing banks?
>The thief runs past him, and down the stairs.
Mike: Mobsters begin to shoot at him as a baby carriage
begins to roll down the stairs...
> A security
>guard runs up...
Tom: Even though the robber just ran down?
> a fat guy who has no chance of catching
>the criminal.
Mike: [snickering] Good work, Acme Job Placement Agency!
Tom: May as well send Gary Coleman to be a sumo wrestler.
> He recognizes the Spider Man costume and
>tells Peter to go get the guy because he can't.
Crow: It's time for his break. Union rules, 'ya know.
> Peter,
>dejected and pissed off, shrugs.
Tom: [Peter] Geez man, you're acting like he's gonna kill
somebody, or something.
>
> SPIDER MAN
> It's not my job.
>
>Peter secretly changes and returns to the parking lot to
>meet his uncle Ben...
Mike: [Peter] Eh, may as well cancel Ben's comprehensive life
insurance while I'm here.
>
>Only to find a small crowd of people gathered around
>someone lying on the ground.
Crow: Well, at least they got this part right.
Tom: I'd be worried if they didn't.
> It is his Uncle.
Mike: Robert Vaughn is dead? NOOOOO!!!!
> He has
>been shot in the chest by a car-jacker who pulled him out
>of his car and took off. Peter watches him die before the
>ambulance gets there.
>
Tom: So... that's it. No touching last words, no tearful
goodbyes?
Crow: Yup. He's dead, Tom.
Mike: Then some Soultakers show up and the real fun begins!
>A random crime.
Tom: Brisco and Logan will solve it in the next half hour,
though.
> Senseless.
Mike: Much like this script.
> Hard to solve.
Crow: Unless you buy the strategy guide. Only $19.99
from Prima!
>Peter becomes obsessed with finding his uncle's killer.
Tom: He repeatedly tries to arrest Chow Yun Fat.
>Using his Spider Man skills he begins a one-man manhunt.
>For the first time we see him using his new powers for a
>non-selfish end.
Mike: I suppose trying to avenge your uncle's death is
non-selfish.
> He spies on the police,
Crow: He sees Dennis Franz's naked rear more times than
he can count.
> taking what they
>know and following his own leads.
>
Crow: Just like Angela Lansbury. If she were mutating into a
spider, that is.
>He tracks the guy down to a warehouse and goes in to get
>him.
Mike: Setting a new record for Superhero Relative's Death
Avengance.
> Peter drops into the room with the guy... who laughs
>when he sees him.
>
> KILLER
Tom: I suppose we should be glad he's not named
Snivley Von Evildude.
> Well. The fag in tights.
Mike: Yeah, I'm glad Mel Brooks went with the other
title for his Robin Hood spoof.
> We keep bumping
> into each other.
>
Crow: You sure Schumacher didn't write this?
>Without warning the guy grabs a gun and shoots at Peter,
>who reacts without thinking, actually dodging the bullet.
Mike: Clearly, there is no spoon.
>The thief keeps firing and Spider Man moves like
>lightning, dodging the rounds as he leaps...
[A moment of silence.]
Crow: You know, I think I've seen this before...
Tom: Yeah...Leaping around like an idiot, using his powers
for peeping...
Mike: Guys? You'll kill me if that Aztec guys shows up,
alright?
> firing his
>web and jerking the gun out of the guy's hands. He grabs
>the killer and slams him against the wall... wanting to
>pound the life out of him. He hauls back his fist to
>smash the guy's face in...
Mike: And is stopped by a plot device.
>And sees the cobra tattoo on the back of his hand.
Tom: [Spidey] When did I get this tattoo?
>FLASHBACK: The guy in the hall.
Crow: Scott Thompson?
> The tattoo. The guard
>telling him to catch the guy.
Mike: So it never occurred to Pete during his hunt for his
uncle's killer that the crook he saw running from the
building five seconds earlier MIGHT be connected in
some way?
Tom: "Spider Sense" seems only marginally more useful than
"Barnacle Sense".
>
>Peter realizes it is the thief who ran past him in the
>building.
All: Duhhhh.
> If he has stopped him then, his uncle would
>still be alive.
Tom: Only to die of a heart attack a few minutes later.
> He could have done it. The power, the
>speed, the strength,
Mike: The infraggable krunkiness.
> to do it... all his now. But he
>didn't use it responsibly. The crushing weight of the
>responsibility that goes with power suddenly descends on
>him.
Crow: [bored] Because with great power comes great
responsibility.
Tom: Um, script? That line would have more impact if
someone had said it before, preferably Ben. After all,
IT IS HIS ONE BIG LINE IN THE ENTIRE SERIES!!!
>
>He releases the guy, his anger gone.
Mike: And the killer quickly runs out and tries to mug
the Waynes outside the theater.
> He is overwhelmed by
>guilt.
Crow: While we're underwhelmed by the script.
> He raises his hands and shoots webbing all over
>the guy.
>
Tom: Oh, I get it! So instead of killing him with his bare
hands, he suffocates him with webbing!
Crow: Sadist.
>CUT TO two cops driving through the park.
Crow: Meanwhile, near Ludlow, Illinois.
> Spider Man
>drops down in their headlights,
Mike: [cop] Hey Hank, did you feel that? Felt like we ran
over a Marvel superhero.
> with the killer over his
>shoulder.
Crow: Awww. They're eloping. How sweet.
> He slams the guy, bound in webbing, onto the
>hood of the car and tells them he is the killer of Ben
>Parker.
Tom: Instantly, the cops try and arrest Spidey, since he
just confessed.
> Peter expects to see some justice done...
Mike: In 3-5 years when the court date actually arrives.
Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, you mean from the police? Whatever
gave him that idea?
Crow: Predictable, huh?
>
>But the cops aren't about to take the word of some whacko
>in tights.
Crow: Odd that.
> The killer is wailing and trying to get free,
>saying this crazy guy tied him up, HELP!
Mike: Cue the fab Four montage!
> The cops tell
>Peter to pull off the mask. He won't.
Crow: [Peter] Why did I superglue this to my face?
> They tell him to
>come to the station with them.
Mike: [Police] We've got donuts there!
> They put handcuffs on him
>and start to take him in.
Tom: While cuffed, Peter begins to run through his list
of mental problems again...
> Peter becomes furious... that
>he is being treated like the criminal, when he has solved
>the crime and brought them the murderer.
Mike: Sure, he neglected the whole "evidence" thing, and
committed several crimes himself...
> When he resists,
>the cops get rough.
>
Crow: See, in LA, someone would be videotaping this.
>Spider Man breaks the handcuffs and hurls the cops away
>from him.
Tom: Stuntmen are hurled into fake brick walls!
> They land on the pavement, and go for their
>guns. Peter, cursing, leaps into the darkness, catching a
>streetlight, swinging up to a rooftop, and vanishing. The
>bruised cops are amazed.
>
Mike: [cop] Aw cripes, that's the fifth vigilante that
escaped this week!
Tom: [cop] And it's only Tuesday!
>That night a local TV station, owned by J. JONAH JAMESON,
All: [dramatically] Dum dum DUMMMMMM!
>runs a story on the evening news that two cops were
>assaulted by the mysterious character known as the Spider
>Man.
>
Crow: But since it was 'the Spider Man' and not Spiderman,
what do we care?
Mike: You're really splitting hairs now.
>Thus begins Spider Man's feud with the cops and Jameson,
>his media nemesis.
Crow: I thought that was Ted Turner.
Tom: And thus begins our trek to the bridge.
[Mike picks up Tom, and all three head out to the bridge...]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Tom and Crow stand behind the console, chatting.]
Crow: That was kinda lame.
Tom: My exiting line? I thought it was pretty good.
Crow: No, Uncle Ben's death. It lacked a certain
"oomph" to it.
Tom: It did lack a certain narrative punch.
Crow: Really, it felt like we were watching someone
in a slasher flick. We knew he was going to die,
but we really didn't care.
Tom: Plus, it was as goofy as him getting knocked off
by Johni DC,
Crow: How so?
Tom: Um, I'm not really sure. I just thought it'd be
neat to drag Johni DC into this.
Crow: Oh.
[Silence.]
Crow: Well, enough of that. Say, Natalie Portman sure
looks hot in Episode II.
Tom: Crow, she's nineteen. That's a little young, don't
you think?
Crow: Tom, we're only fourteen.
Tom: Oh, yeah. heck, I guess she is hot then.
Mike: [V.O.] For shame, both of you.
Crow: Mike?
Tom: Where are you?
Crow: You're not hiding in the air vents again? You
know how we've warned you about that.
Mike: [V.O.] No, I'm not in the air vents. I'm merely
emulating the narrator in today's feature.
Crow: You're pretending to be Spiderman?
Mike: [V.O.] No. I'm the narrator!
Tom: That was Spiderman, Mike.
Mike: [V.O.] No, you know. The guy who keep describing
the impossible to film things.
Crow: That's more of a script direction, Mike.
Tom: Or an author's note.
Mike: [V.O.] Whatever. I'm still emulating him, 'kay?
So, go about your normal business.
Crow: Sure thing. So, Tom can you believe they're making
"Jackass- The Movie"?
Mike: [V.O.] They continued on with their mindless banter.
Often people talk aimlessly when they have nothing
real to say. Or if they're lonely. My cousin Earl
was like that. He'd often ramble on at length
about the spider creatures that lived in the
ceiling. He claimed they worked for the CIA.
Tom: Mike?
Mike: [V.O.] In fact, he claimed that his only friend
was his bobble-headed Barry Bonds doll. In fact...
What? What was that, Barry? You want me to go
see "My Left Foot"? Well, I know that Daniel
Day Lewis was very good in it.
Crow: Mike!
Mike: [V.O.] What?
Crow: You're rambling.
Mike: [V.O.] Oh. Sorry. The robots continued to talk.
They mostly discussed inconsequential stuff, but
there was an unspoken undertone to the entire
conversation. Their unspoken admiration for the
one called... Mike.
Crow: Okay, that's it. I'm going to kill him.
Tom: Only if I don't find him first.
[The bots begin to frantically search the Bridge. Mike
continues on, unabated.]
Mike: [V.O.] Oh, yes. Both of them were in awe of the
magnificent being known as Mike. They loved his
sense of humor. They hung on his every word.
They found him to the manliest of men...
Crow: Oh, please!
Tom: Crow! Over here! The broom closet!
Mike: [V.O.] Why after hours, the little robots would sing
praises to Mike's name. Then they... hey! What are
you doing? Pay no attention to that man in the
broom closet! Ow! Hey! Stop that!
[The movie sign begins to flash.]
Mike: [V.O.] Guys! Stop! We've got movie sign! No, really!
We do! Ow! Put the pipe down! Owie!
[As the sounds of Mike being pummeled continue, the door
sequence begins.]