[MiSTing] "What's Q, Pussycat?" (2/2) [TNG, TOONAMI]
Jim W.
[The camera pans across two screens displaying the lineup:]
9.0-Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000
11.0-Garlic Jr. Saga
11.5-Powerpuff Girls
TOONAMI: RISING SUN
---
OBSERVER: I *am* surprised you got through this fanfic. It's what
brought Anakin here to the Dark Side.
VADER: It is an exceptional piece of work.
---
T.O.M.: SCIENCE FICTION THEATER 1,000,000,000 now continues.
[Toonami and CN logos]
---
[Mike and the 'bots enter]
CROW: What episode was *that* bumper from?
MIKE: Beats me.
>From
mhv.net!news.sprintlink.net!holonet!colossus.holonet.net!shpbbs!karmin.stjean
>Sun Jul 9 16:49:51 1995
>Path:
mhv.net!news.sprintlink.net!holonet!colossus.holonet.net!shpbbs!karmin.stjean
>From: karmin...@busilink.com (Karmin Stjean)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: "What's Q, Pussycat?"
MIKE: Is that a twist on an existing catch phrase? I can't figure it out.
SERVO: Don't overload yet, buddy.
>Date: Sat, 8 Jul 1995 02:27:00 GMT
>Message-ID: <95070721...@busilink.com>
>Organization: BusiLink
>Distribution: world
>Lines: 97
SERVO: Hey, only 97 lines! At least it's short.
>
>Data and Geordi were working in a Jeffries Tube near Main
>Engineering when they both heard a tiny "meow" from an adjacent tube.
CROW: Uh-oh. A feline alien is mating with another crew member.
SERVO: It happens all the time in these fanfics.
>Going to
>investigate, they found a tiny half-starved kitten curled up in the tube. Data
>took the kitten to the nursery and had it examined.
MIKE[Crusher]: All my examinations tell me that this is a tiny, half-starved
kitten.
>
>"Perhaps," the vet suggested, after giving it a clean bill of
>health, other than the malnourishment, "you should let your cat Spot nurse
her.
>She will still have milk since she's only recently weaned her litter."
>
>Data agreed and took the tiny black kitten home with him.
CROW: Where it was shunned by Spot's litter and became a very disturbed kitty.
>
>Spot took to the kitten instantly and began grooming the hapless
>orphan. "What should I name you?" Data thought, aloud. "Fluffball?"
SERVO: Come on, Data! Think bigger! Better! Name him after Einstein!
MIKE: That's taken.
SERVO: Oh. How about Hawking?
MIKE: Too non-feline-ish.
SERVO: Alright, fine! How about...fluffball!
[Mike shakes his head.]
>
>The kitten shook itself as if to ask "Are you out of your mind?!"
>
>"Kitty?"
>
MIKE: Now *that* is the kind of name Data would give.
>The kitten had a look of "oh, please?" on it's cute little face.
>It scampered up on the computer and tapped the 'Q' key.
>
CROW[Data]: You want to be called "QQQQQQQ"?
>"Down, kitty." Data said, putting the kitty back on the floor and
>backing up the cursor.
SERVO: The cursor?
MIKE: Apparently twenty-fourth century starships still operate on MS-DOS.
>
>The kitten climbed back up and did exactly the same thing, tapping
>precisely the same key.
>
>This time, Data looked at it.
>
>"Q." He said.
CROW[elementary teacher]: No, no, no, start at the beginning. "A..."
>
>"Meow." Q replied.
>
>"You wish to be called Q." Data noted. "Very well. Q."
SERVO: And so our highly-advanced android can't even put two and two together.
>
>
>"How is the new kitten?" Geordi asked, that afternoon, when Data
>was with him in Ten Forward.
>
>"Q is fine." Data replied.
>
>"You named your kitten Q?" Geordi asked.
>
MIKE[Data]: Yes. I am a big fan of Desmond Llewyn.
>"Seems appropriate." observed Deanna, who was sitting with them. "Q
>is very mischievous just like a kitten."
SERVO: Hey! That's a stereotype!
>
>"That is true." Data agreed. "However, I named the kitten Q because
>it kept getting up on my computer and tapping that particular key."
>
CROW[Data]: Gee I wonder if the kitten is Q in disguise. Oh, well.
>"May I see the kitten?" Deanna asked.
>
>"Of course." Data replied.
>
>Deanna walked into Data's cabin and sat down. Data brought the new
>kitten over to her and she held it. She gazed down at it for a moment,
>then looked up.
>
>"Data," she said, in an astonished voice, "this kitten IS Q!"
ALL[fake shock]: NO! Really?!?
>
>Shortly afterward, Picard, notified that Q was on board, but not
>what form he was in, walked into Data's cabin.
>
>"Data," he said, not scolding Data since he guessed that Data
>merely assumed that Q had visitted Picard first, "where's Q?"
MIKE: Can we please break those run-ons into understandable sentences, please?
>
>Data pointed at the litter of kittens and said "The all black one."
SERVO: How can Data not use correct punctuation?
>
>Picard blinked at the Android as if Data had gone quite mad.
>
>"A kitten?!" He yelped.
>
>"Yes, sir." Data replied.
CROW[Picard]: Blast that Q! He *knew* I was allergic to kittens!
>
>Picard went over to the litter and stared down at the black one.
>
>"Q," he said, in all seriousness, "I will NOT have you disrupting
>my crew. You are not to harrass anyone on my bridge. You will..."
>
>"Meow?" Q queried, tilting his head and perking up a tiny
>fur-covered ear.
>
>Riker walked in to ask Data a question and found the Captain doling
>out a list of commands and rules to a tiny kitten, who actually seemed to
>understand what Picard was saying.
>
MIKE[Riker]: Um... Riker to Mental Ward. The bald guy finally went nuts.
>"Sir?" Riker asked.
>
>"I was just laying down the ground rules for Q, here." Picard
>replied. "And he concluded at Q, "no clawing the furniture."
>
>"Meow." Q replied.
SERVO: That can't be Q. Q wouldn't let anyone boss him around.
CROW: And he'd certainly engage in a little word play.
>
>
>A few weeks later Q had gotten out of Data's cabin. She was
ALL: SHE!?!
SERVO: This is certainly revealing a lot about Q's perverted nature.
>wandering around the ship when she found herself facing another cat. A male.
It
>sniffed her and she spun around, swiping at it and hissing at it, her fur
>bristling. She tried to bolt, but the male was stronger and swifter and it
caught
>her beneath it. It mated with her as she hissed in protest.
[Mike covers the 'Bots' faces.]
SERVO: I don't have a face, Mike.
MIKE: Then just close your eyes.
SERVO: I don't have eyes.
MIKE: Then turn around!
>Finally,
>the male cat jumped off and leaped back, not quite fast enough to avoid an
>angry swipe from Q's paw. The male cat ran off and Q stood there, glaring in
>the direction it had run, hackles bristling, teeth bared, yowling and hissing
at
>the feline rapist.
CROW: Hel-lo!
MIKE: Crow! Stop reading right now!
SERVO: I must say this is quite disgruntling.
>
>Finally, Data found her and carried her home. She was shivering and
>meowing and Data could tell she'd been hurt. He took her to the vet for an
>examination and the vet told him what had happened.
MIKE[vet]: I saw the whole thing.
>
>"So she was raped." Data concluded.
>
>"Animals do not view sex the way we do, Data." The vet explained.
>"The tom who mated with her was concerned only with his hormones not causing
>her physical or emotional distress."
CROW: So...she *was* raped.
>
>"I wonder if the female sees it that way." Data mused.
>
>"You may have a point." The vet admitted. "At any rate, she's going
>to have litter of kittens. Now, we can abort and spay her, however."
>
>Q raised her fur and spat at the vet.
>
>"I do not believe she wishes that." Data told the vet.
SERVO: Hey, Data's starting to get it.
>
>"If you feel you can handle that many kittens, then I have no
>problems with her having a litter." The vet assured Data and Q.
>
MIKE: So why is Data the one with all the cats, anyway? He doesn't even have
*feelings*! There won't be any spiritual bonding! What's the fricking deal?!?
SERVO: Mike, I think you've had enough...
>Q relaxed and groomed herself. She allowed Data to pick her up and
>take her back to his cabin. Never again did she wander off.
>
>
>The cat was curled up in a corner, several weeks later, when Q Two
>showed "You ready to come back to the Continuum?" He asked.
CROW: Um...why did he leave in the first place?
>
>Q looked up at him. "Meow." She replied. She stood up and trotted
>into the other room. A moment later she came out again, carrying a mewing
>kitten. She went into the other room again, and again re-emerged carrying a
>mewing kitten This went on for several minutes until Q had carried twelve
kittens
>out of the other room.
SERVO: Holy crap! From *one* litter?
CROW: I guess Q went back for more. Heh, heh.
[Mike glares at Crow.]
CROW[uneasily]: Uh... heh, heh...?
>She licked each kitten's face and then looked up at Q Two.
>
>"You mated?!" Q Two yelped. "Q for time's sake!" He saw the look
>the mother cat was giving him and realized that she'd been raped. "Oh, Q." He
>said, picking her up and petting her. "I'm sorry."
>
MIKE: That was the weirdest Next Generation fanfic I have ever read.
SERVO: Worse than all those Ratliff ones?
MIKE: Servo, we never did any Ratliff ones. Those were done by more competent
MiSTers.
CROW: Don't break the Forth Wall again, Mike.
MIKE: Sorry.
[Everybody leaves]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL] Mike is standing behind the counter. He is wearing a red vest over a
dark-blue t-shirt. His pants are red, and are held on by a black belt. His
hair is dyed black.
MIKE: Alright, Pearl, you want a piece of me? I'M READY FOR YOU!
[Libra]
PEARL: Who the hell are you?
[SOL]
MIKE: My name is Goku! And I'm a Saiyijn!
[Libra]
PEARL: Lieutenant Zechs! Front and center!
[Frank enters]
FRANK: You called, Lady Une?
PEARL: Take the Talgeis and destroy that meddling idiot!
FRANK: As you command. [salutes and leaves]
[SOL]
MIKE: You weakling!
[Crow enters dressed in a black-and-grey jumpsuit with red lining. He's wearing
a brown wig with hair that juts out a foot in front of him.]
CROW: Let me handle him. I'll correct the mistakes brought on by your
weakness.
MIKE: But I'm not weak; I have a power level of one million.
[Crow dashes off.]
MIKE: Uh...Cambot? Punch up Rocket Number Nine.
[SOL exterior] A red and white Gundam with a machine gun on its left arm
appears.
It battles another white Mobile Suit.
[SOL interior] Mike watches, wincing every time a hit is heard.
MIKE: Wow, I never knew Crow knew how to pilot a Mobile Suit. Then again,
I never thought we'd be doing a cheap Toonami spoof.
CROW[over radio]: Those who have laid eyes on a Gundam shall not
live to tell about it. Those are the orders I was given. So that means I
must kill myself.
MIKE: No, Crow, don't!
[And explosion lights up the bridge. Cambot shakes.]
MIKE[exadgerated astonishment]: CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
GYPSY[off-screen]: Have no fear...
[Gypsy jumps in from left. She is wearing a one-lensed pair of glasses, a
headset,
and blue-gray camouflage. She has a very womanly figure, too.]
GYPSY: ...the Command.com is here!
MIKE: Uh...okay.
GYPSY: Units three through nine! Attack and destroy using pattern
four-zero-five!
[SOL exterior] CPUs fly out of nowhere and shoot down the Talgeis. Frank
ejets.
FRANK: Haul me in, Libra!
[Libra]
PEARL: Damn those CPUs! Ready the main cannon!
[SOL]
MIKE: Gyps? You got anything to help us against that?
GYPSY: Um...no...our shields are still down. Use your Kai-o-ken!
MIKE: Uh...okay...
[SOL exterior] Mike walks out of an airlock with a Capsule Corp spacesuit
and puts his arms together.
MIKE: KAI-O-KEN!
[A huge blast of energy flies toward Libra. It misses.]
MIKE: I never could aim that thing.
[SOL interior] As Mike walks back in, Gypsy is running off-screen.
GYPSY: I have to go and cry about Bob. Later!
MIKE: But...but...what do I do now?
[Libra]
PEARL: Yes! Prepare for your end, Satellite of Love!
[SOL] Mike is cowering on the desk. Suddenly trumpet music plays.
SERVO[off-screen]: Not so fast you!
[Libra]
PEARL: Huh? Who is that?
[SOL] Servo enters wearing a Japanese schoolgirl's uniform and long blond
hair tied in two thin locks. Mike looks at him with a disturbed expression.
SERVO[very girly voice]: Your evil ways are about to come to an end!
[Servo moves his arms around in elaborate positions.]
SERVO: I stand for love! I stand for justice! I am Sailor Moon!
MIKE: Servo?
SERVO: And in the name of the moon, I shall punish you!
[Servo's spring arms are now coiled together.]
SERVO: Ah, damn!
MIKE: Servo, what do you think you're doing?
SERVO: [struggling to untie his arms] Uh...I'm righting wrongs and triumphing
over evil?
MIKE: You're dressed up as Sailor Moon!
SERVO: That's *Pretty Soldier* Sailor Moon, Mike.
MIKE: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?
SERVO: Like you, Mike, I am not afraid to show my feminine side.
[Mike is insulted.]
SERVO: Just help me untie my arms!
[Suddenly a rose breaks through his arms, correcting them. Mike and Servo look
up
to see Cambot in a tuxedo and stovepipe hat.]
CAMBOT: The world of Toonami has been merged with our own! You must correct
it,
Sailor Moon!
[Mike is now very confused.]
SERVO: You're right! I CAN do it!
[Servo lifts the Purity Chalice]
SERVO: MOON CRISIS POWER!
[Servo lifts a heart-jeweled wand and twirls it around.]
SERVO: RAINBOW MOON HEART ACHE!
[space] Libra is destroyed by a ribbon with a repeating heart pattern while a
trumpet repeats six notes over and over.
PEARL: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[SOL] Mike, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy look at explosion]
MIKE: Well, now our worst enemies have been sent to the next dimension.
GYPSY: No, it's Sunday. Otherwise, they'd have been on the station when it
exploded.
SERVO: Look! I can see their parachutes! They're OK!
CROW: You were awesome, Sailor Moon! Gee, I wish I knew your real identity!
GYPSY: The entire Net thanks you, Meatball Head.
SERVO: Hey!
MIKE: But I wonder what really happened to Pearl and Frank?
[space] Pearl and Frank are in spacesuits, drifting among the wreckage.
PEARL: This is all your fault, Frank. I should have sent out the Mobile Dolls
commanded by Dorothy!
FRANK: Awww... go easy on me, Pearl.
PEARL: Very well. Just get us back to Moon Zero Two before my oxygen runs out.
[They continue floating off into the vastness of space.]
FRANK: Space...it's so quiet.
PEARL: Frank, put a sock in it.
[Japaneese-style TO BE CONTINUED]
[Gundam Wing ending theme]
written by: Jim Whaley
"What's Q, Pussycat?" written by: Karmin Stjean
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Tom Servo: Kevin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Magic Voice: Beez McKeever
also featuring:
Pearl Forrester: Mary Jo Pehl
TV's Frank: Frank Conniff
and:
Cambot: Mike Nelson
Ned the Nanite: Paul Chaplin
All MST3K characters and situations are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only;
no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc.
is intended or should be inferred.
Karmin Stjean could not be contacted for MiSTing permission.
No insults are intended to anyone refered to in this MiSTing.
Any alteration or reproduction of this MiSTing without permission or credit
is not appreciated. Please contact me at the e-mail address provided below.
based upon MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
special thanks to:
all present and former employees of Best Brains, Inc., wherever they may be
Karmin Stjean
Cartoon Network
Japan
the authors of the First Amendment
and last but not least, You, the reader
This MiSTing is dedicated to anyone who loves to laugh, and to Anime freaks
everywhere.
e-mail tj...@aol.com for comments, etc.
c2000 by Jim Whaley
>"I was just laying down the ground rules for Q, here." Picard
>replied. "And he concluded at Q, "no clawing the furniture."
a Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production
http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
-----------------
Recent and upcoming episodes of Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
401: Extreme Chaos
402: Sonic vs Mario
403: Flower's Quest
404: Here It Is
405: What's Q, Pussycat?
406: A Night in the Park
My MiSTings can be found easily on Web Site Number Nine,
located at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k
or go to my web site, The MSTerminal;
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
-----------------
[Japanese-style writing along with Tenchi preview music]
MIKE: Next time on Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000:
*---
>' A night in the park'
>
>A Pokemon/South Park crossover
*---
MIKE: Mike and the 'bots tackle their wackiest crossover yet.
*---
>"Where the hell is Kyle and Kenny?"
>
SERVO: I don't know. Where the hell is your grammar?
>"Don't know. Come on, the weird balls are this was."
CROW: So this was the weird balls?
MIKE: No, the balls was weird.
*---
MIKE: We're going to need a lot of cheering up if we're going to make it
through
this one.
*---
[Mike and the 'Bots are talking to Chef on the hexfield]
CHEF: Now, children, all you have to do is close your eyes and you won't have
to
read the fanfic! You're silhouettes! No one'll notice! You know, I have a song
that would help explain it a little better...
*---
MIKE: That's next, on episode 406: "No Need For A Crossover." What kind of
trouble
does Pearl have in store for us?
GYPSY: It's unquestionably hilarious!
A Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 production.
For more details, visit http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
---
T.O.M.: That's it for SFT1B...
---
> The French fox drew out a sword and held it up near his face.
SERVO[as Antoine]: Zo, you wanting zee piece of moi?
---
GARLIC JR.: Let's see what you've got!
---
T.O.M.: The Garlic Jr. Saga is next.
[Toonami and CN logos]
(for a visual, check out http://members.aol.com/tjats/Garlic.gif)
Jim W. (#90212)
my MiSTings and fanfiction:
http://members.aol.com/tjats/tjats.html
---
"I will believe in myself
This is the only start for me"
-Sonic Adventure
---
"Talented people are capable of understanding us."
-Lady Une