MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "All The King's Horses" (1/5)
Mighty Jack
Stephen Ratliff's "All The King's Horses" was MSTed by:
Mighty Jack (editor) : mity...@net.bluemoon.net
Joseph Nebus : neb...@rpi.edu
Frobozz (aka Chris Angelini): fro...@eyrie.org
Kevin Gowen : kgo...@efn.org
Contributing writers: Ian Gowen
Stephen Ratliff
[Season Nine opening sequence]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL]
[Mike, Tom and Crow are standing behind the control panel at their usual
places.]
TOM SERVO: Hey gang! Strap yourselves into your seats and hold on tight,
'cause it's our *SEASON FINALE*, tonight on MST! 3! K!
MIKE: That's right, folks, and just like every other network on the
planet, we've got an oh-so-very special episode lined up for you
just to ease the pain of being stuck with nothing but reruns to
watch for the next few months! It's so filled with surprises,
twists and turns that you'd have to be a drooling *moron* to even
*THINK* about missing it!
CROW: Shocking secrets revealed! You won't believe who turns out to be
a hermaphrodite on today's episode!
MIKE: Another third-world country detonates a nuclear device! Which
one? Stay tuned and find out!
TOM SERVO: The satellite explodes, and one of us won't survive to be on
the show next season! Don't miss it!
CROW: An extra-special guest star is caught in bed with Mike... and you
won't *believe* it when you find out what species she is!
MIKE: Gypsy gets married in a must-see five hour television event!
TOM SERVO: Joel Robinson returns to the Satellite of Love in a tearful
reunion the whole family will want to see!
CROW: The results of the cancer test come in! And the paternity test,
too!
MIKE: One of the nanites loses her virginity and learns a hard lesson
about life and love!
TOM SERVO: Mike Nelson's past comes back to haunt him! How? Stay tuned
and find out!
CROW: A serial killer stalks the satellite, and he's got his sights set
on his next victim! We're going to need *all* of our wits to
survive this one!
MIKE: Crow joins a cult, forcing Tom and me to kidnap and deprogram him
in a life-affirming triumph of the human spirit!
TOM SERVO: Featuring scenes from previous episodes of MST3K to bring
back fond memories of how many hours you've wasted in front
of the TV!
CROW: With special musical guest, Pearl Jam!
MIKE: Plus, the moment that you've all been waiting for... the moment
when we answer the question...
ALL: WHO *IS* ERIC CARTMAN'S MOTHER?!?
[The commercial sign light starts flashing.]
TOM SERVO: All this, and much, much more on tonight's action-packed
episode of MST! 3! K!
MIKE: Pay close attention now, or we'll never get to charge this much
for ad space ever again! [Mike hits the commercial sign light.]
[Commercials.]
[SOL]
[Mike, Tom and Crow are still at their usual places.]
CROW: Expect the unexpected!!!
MIKE: Believe the unbelievable!!!
TOM SERVO: As we conceive the inconceivable right here on MST! 3! K!
[The Mads light turns on.] We'll be right back with our
*SEASON FINALE EXTRAVAGANZA* right after these words from our
very own Pearl Forrester!
[Mike hits the Mads light.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl, Bobo and Observer are all sitting on a comfy couch in front of
a TV set that is turned on. Pearl puts down the bowl of popcorn that
she's holding and turns toward the camera, putting her finger up to her
lips.]
PEARL: Shhh! [loudly whispering] Keep it down up there, will ya? We're
watching the last episode of Seinfeld! [Pearl turns back to the
TV, picks up the bowl of popcorn and starts eating.]
[SOL]
MIKE [confused]: Huh?!
CROW: Okay. Let me get this straight, Mike... you put our dumpy little
show's season finale up against the last episode of *Seinfeld*?!
What the *hell* were you *THINKING*?!? You stupid, STUPID MAN!!!
MIKE: All right, all right, geez, I'm sorry! You know, if we had that
subscription to TV Guide like I wanted, this never would have
happened! But noooo... *you* guys wouldn't help pay to get it
delivered up here...
[Tom shakes his head and sighs in frustration as Gypsy enters from stage
left.]
GYPSY: Hey guys, I just heard from the network... they're running paid
programming in our time slot.
TOM SERVO [disgusted]: Oh, great! Just great! Hear that, Nelson? See
what you've done to us?!
MIKE: Guys, guys, hold on a second! Think about it... nobody's watching
us, right? So we can do whatever we want for the next hour, and
nobody'll ever know the difference! [Mike leans close to the bots
for a conspiratorial whisper] Not even Pearl!
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl and Bobo are still on the couch, but Observer is approaching the
camera.]
OBSERVER: Well, actually Michael, that's not precisely true. You see,
Pearl heard about your little "must see" television event, and
she wanted to make sure we sent you an experiment that suited
the occasion. She tells me that it was written by award-winning,
best-selling fanfic writer Stephen Ratliff, and it's a
sensitive, heart-warming story about a young woman just
beginning to come of age and how she learns to deal with the
pressing questions and serious issues that all teenagers face
as they grow up. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you just might
learn a little something about yourselves... though certainly
not as much as *I* already know about your hopelessly inferior
species. This fanfic has not yet been rated. And, just so you
know, Pearl *is* taping the experiment while she watches her
program, so she *will* know if you're not in that theater! Oh,
and she said to tell you: "Don't touch that dial... *we* will
control the horizontal and the vertical!" Whatever *that* means.
Oh well. Enjoy!
[Cue sound as Observer uses that brain voodoo that he do so well to send
the fanfic up to the satellite.]
[SOL]
[Mike is writing quickly on a piece of paper on the control panel in
front of him as Tom looks on. Crow and Gypsy are absent.]
MIKE [reciting as he writes]: "I, Michael Nelson, fearing for my life
and sanity, do hereby make the following revisions to my last will
and testament...." Tom, how do you spell "codicil"?
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts.]
MIKE: AAAH! Too late! WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!! Magic Voice, if we
don't get out alive, tell my mom I love her!
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[Inside the theater]
[Mike carries Tom to his seat. Crow is still absent.]
MIKE: Maybe we should have had the show broadcast over the Internet.
TOM SERVO: Too late for that now.
>From srat...@runet.edu Wed May 20 18:55:54 1998
>Received: from rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu (rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>[137.45.192.101]) by net.bluemoon.net
TOM SERVO [singing]: Bluuuuuuuueee Moooooooooooooon...
MIKE [singing]: Blue Blue Blue Blue Mooooooooooooon...
> (8.8.7/8.8.5) with ESMTP id WAA02201
>for <mity...@net.bluemoon.net>; Tue, 2 Sep 1997 22:12:11 -0400 (EDT)
MIKE [looking around]: All right, where's Crow?
TOM SERVO: Watching the last episode of Seinfeld.
MIKE: *sigh* [raising his voice] Gypsy, get Crow in here, would you please?
GYPSY [offscreen]: Will do!
>Received: (from sratliff@localhost) by rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>(8.8.7/8.7.5) id WAA04255 for mity...@net.bluemoon.net;
TOM SERVO: Isn't that the ISP that moonlights as a detective agency?
> Tue, 2 Sep 1997
>22:11:29 -0400 (EDT)
>Message-Id: <1997090302...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu>
CROW: [offscreen] Okay, okay, I'm going! [Crow enters the theater and sits
down] Jeez, now I'll *never* know which one of the fifteen published
endings they used....
MIKE: Watch the reruns, Crow. We need all the help we can get in here.
CROW: Why? What did Pearl send us this time?
>From: Stephen Ratliff <srat...@runet.edu>
>Subject: All The King's Horses
CROW [glumly]: I *had* to ask...
>To: mity...@net.bluemoon.net (Mighty Jack)
TOM SERVO: Ecchh! *shudders violently*
MIKE: What? What's the matter?
CROW: We'll explain later.
>Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 22:11:29 -0400 (EDT)
>In-Reply-To: <Pine.OSF.3.951MOON.970902172749.17581A->100...@net.bluemoon.net
> from "Mighty Jack" at Sep 2, 97 05:31:20 pm
>X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL24]
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
MIKE [singsong]: Transfer encoding...
ALL: SEVEN BITS!!!
>
>Title: All the King's Horses
CROW: ...and all the king's men, couldn't make Steve a decent writer
again.
TOM SERVO: What do you mean, "again"?
>Author: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>Series: TNG Marrissa Stories #3
>Part: NEW 1/?
>
>by Stephen Ratliff
>
>Author's Notes
MIKE [as Ratliff]: Note to myself: I really shouldn't do this!
>
> Well ladies and gentlemen,
TOM SERVO: And robots.
> it's time for yet another Marrissa
>Story.
MIKE [as Ratliff]: Unless my demands are immediately met.
> This one is set between "Battle for Bajor" and "Cadet Cruise."
TOM SERVO: So he can rewrite history.
CROW: Retcon! Retcon!
>It's written in response to several complaints I've received in the
>almost four years since I posted the original versions of those works.
MIKE [as Ratliff]: I won't reprint what they actually said because
there's children on this newsgroup.
> Four years, it's been long time.
CROW [muttering]: Tell us about it...
TOM SERVO: It's been long, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.
> I first started "Enterprized"
>in study-hall in March of 1993.
TOM SERVO: More homework could have prevented this tragedy.
> When I arrived at Radford University,
MIKE [as Ratliff}: ... I couldn't figure out why people kept pointing at
me and snickering.
> I
>discovered alt.startrek.creative.
CROW: ... and I claimed it in the name of Spain!
> I started posting "Enterprized" on
>November of 1993.
TOM SERVO: Truly a date that will live in infamy.
> "A Gul's Revenge," which later became "Battle for
>Bajor,"
MIKE: ... meaning we had to sit through it *twice*. [shudders]
> began posting in February of 1994. Since then I've put out an
>average of three works every year. (Six in the past year.)
CROW: Nineteen since a week ago Thursday!
TOM SERVO: Three hundred just today!
MIKE: Two thousand and thirty-eight in the last five minutes!
>
> This will be my fifteenth work, beginning what I hope is a
>productive fifth and finial year at Radford University.
CROW: Ah, the American college system... where a four-year degree only
takes five or six to achieve!
TOM SERVO: Pulling out the ol' Websters here... his fifth year is a
foliated ornament on the upper extremity of a piece of Gothic
architecture?!
> There are more
>Marrissa Stories out there.
MIKE: Right now, Agents Mulder and Scully are retching into their shoes.
CROW: Believe you me, those stories are *really* "out there".
> I've got a list of ideas pages long,
TOM SERVO: Don't threaten us like that, Ratliff.
MIKE: Looks like some other Stephen out there just came down with
Dark Tower syndrome.
> and
>occasionally a new idea will come, like "The Captain and the Doctor,"
>that just flows out without stopping.
CROW: He just *had* to try those Olestra potato chips.
TOM SERVO: I always thought his stories were a kind of mental diarrhea.
Now we have proof!
> "All the King's Horses" uses many references to thoroughbred
>horse racing, in particular the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, and the
>Belmont Stakes.
MIKE: Oh, and Humpty Dumpty.
CROW: Mike? Why would *anyone* write a Star Trek story about *horse
racing*?!
TOM SERVO: It's Ratliff, Crow. Don't expect it to make sense.
> While the form of the races have maintained the same
>shape,
CROW: Could it be that Ratliff actually knows something about what he's
writing about this time?
TOM SERVO: We'll see.
> some rules have been bent for the purpose of storytelling.
MIKE: For instance, in reality, very few jockeys use spray-cheese for
helmets.
> No
>trainer in his or her right mind would let an untried jockey race their
>horse in a Triple Crown race,
TOM SERVO: ... but I'm sure Steve will get around this inconvenient fact
by inventing a disease that kills only horse jockeys over the
age of 15.
CROW: Don't give him any ideas.
> but fortunately, mine is not left-handed.
>:)
MIKE: A subtle Princess Bride reference or a lame joke? You make the call.
TOM SERVO: Well, at least he spelled the smiley right.
>
>Stephen Ratliff.
CROW: aka The Evil Scourge of Usenet.
>
>Some pronunciations
>
>Since this story is set in France,
MIKE [as Ratliff]: I can make up all sorts of stuff in the hopes that my
mostly American audience won't know I'm blowing smoke.
CROW: Poor France... first Hitler invades them, and now this!
TOM SERVO: Do you think Ratliff is considered a comic genius in France?
> some names are pronounced differently
>that they are else where. The following is a short guide.
MIKE: It's just a little service for those of you who like to read their
Ratliff stories out loud.
> Robert RO-ber
CROW: Oooh, I remember the Ro-bears, from the "ThunderCats" cartoon.
> Boucher BOO-shay
MIKE: Shay... y'ever jusht... walk into a fanficshion and jusht... shee
pink elephantsh everywhere?
>
>
TOM SERVO: *snicker* Gee thanks, Steve! Our understanding of the
subtle complexities of the French language has increased
dramatically thanks to this marvelously comprehensive
pronunciation guide.
MIKE: Here's a few other French pronunciations you should know...
CROW: Ratliff PAIN-ful
TOM SERVO: Marrissa EE-go-tist
MIKE: Pearl Forrester VISH-us
>Prologue
CROW: PRO-log.
MIKE: Enough, Crow, enough.
TOM SERVO: And our wild ride into another reality begins....
>
> Rene was under the Oak tree behind the Picard Family vineyard.
>He was looking for his uncle's shuttle.
MIKE: Slowly he aimed the antiaircraft gun....
> Rene looked forward to his
>Uncle Jean-Luc's visit.
CROW: His sharpest scalpel was ready and his dog had given him explicit
instructions on how to dispose of the body.
MIKE: Getting dark a little early, Crow?
CROW: I'm beating the rush.
> It had been nearly three and a half years since
>the Captain of the Enterprise had set foot in his boyhood home.
TOM SERVO: But today he was going to find out if they really meant it
when they said "And STAY out!".
> At the time Rene had been a young boy of twelve.
CROW: Now he was an elderly woman of six.
> It was the
>first time he had met his Uncle, the famous Captain of the Enterprise, a
>man he had idolized. Now he was a youth of sixteen.
MIKE: What, did Picard fall into a time warp or something?
> He had gained
>nearly a half a foot in height.
CROW: And about three feet in depth.
TOM SERVO: Isn't France kind of committed to the metric system at this
point?
MIKE: Well, Star Trek switches back and forth all the time, so why not
Ratliff?
> His hair had darkened somewhat from the
>blond of his childhood.
CROW: His voice sounded like breaking glass and his pimples made him look
less than human.
> While Rene still wished for a career in Star Fleet, he had other
>interests now.
TOM SERVO: Like not getting instantly killed by the spacetime phenomenon
of the week.
> He had a job as an exercise rider at the local stables.
MIKE: So the little technophile from the series plays with horses now?
>Rene also had a steady girl friend. He blushed, as he remembered their
>last date.
CROW [as Rene]: How am I ever going to explain to her why I started
shouting "Equus!" and stabbed the horses in the eyes?!
> He had heard that his uncle was bringing his new adopted
>daughter to see his home. Rene wondered what this Marrissa would look
>like.
TOM SERVO: Soon, her face would be permanently scarred on his memory.
> He doubted that she wasn't human,
MIKE: ... although that would explain some things.
> although the name did sound
>like something a Betaziod would use.
CROW: "Marrissa" was literally the Betazed word for "Duct Tape".
> All he really knew was that she
>was about twelve years old.
MIKE: And she came from the Village of the Damned.
> Would she have black hair and green eyes like his Isabelle? Or
>would she be a blonde with blue eyes.
CROW: Or would she have no physical attributes whatsoever?
TOM SERVO: Actually, those were the only two options he could think of.
> Well he'd soon find out, as Rene
>spied the shuttlecraft approaching the vineyard.
MIKE: ... as it began its strafing run.
> Uncle Jean-Luc would
>probably park near town and walk, but that wouldn't stop Rene from
>rushing to tell his parents.
CROW [as Rene]: HEY MOM, HERE COMES OL' CHROME-DOME!!
>
>
>Chapter One
>Day One
TOM SERVO: Food supplies low. Morale remains high, but our expedition
will have to resort to cannibalism by the end of tomorrow.
>
> Captain Picard stepped out of the shuttle.
CROW: ... and plummeted face first into the mud ten feet below.
MIKE [as Picard, grumbling]: I have *got* to get that altimeter fixed....
> When Marrissa had
>suggested the front door, he just couldn't resist parking the shuttle as
>close as possible to the front gate.
CROW: Which, unfortunately, now hung off of the nose of the shuttle.
> Jean-Luc had dreamed about that
>when he was little.
TOM SERVO: As a child, Picard's dreams were small. Petty. The stuff
of which a reform school lifer was made.
> Of course he was a famous Star Fleet captain
>returning from defending the Federation from some vile enemy, not
>bringing his newly adopted daughter home to see the family.
MIKE: The difference being...?
> Marrissa was hiding behind him. It probably was a good idea.
CROW: Picard's brother was a good shot and Marrissa needed a human shield.
>From out of the house came Robert Picard.
TOM SERVO: Oh, he's the best character on Voyager.
MIKE: Which is like being the best TV series produced by Glen A. Larson.
> Jean-Luc was glad Marrissa
>didn't know French as Robert's language was not exactly polite.
CROW [as Robert]: Pardon my French, Jean-Luc, but you're an... MMPH!
MIKE [with his hand clamped on Crow's mouth]: Don't finish that, Crow.
> Finally Robert noticed Captain Picard with Marrissa clinging
>behind him.
TOM SERVO: Riding his coattails as usual.
> "Oh it's you Jean- Luc," he said.
CROW [as Robert]: I thought you were *Dale*!
> "You sound disappointed," Jean-Luc remarked.
MIKE [as Robert]: You're here to beat me up in the vineyard again,
aren't you?
> "I was looking forward to yelling at the shuttle's pilot, but I
>see you drove yourself," Robert said
CROW [as Robert]: Now I'll just have to punch some babies or something.
> as his son and wife came out.
>Marie was carrying her nine-month-old daughter.
> "I'll move the shuttle later," Jean-Luc said.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Now that I've needlessly annoyed you, I can park the
shuttle where it should have gone in the first place.
CROW [as PA voice from Airplane]: The white zone is for loading and
unloading of passengers only.
> "May I introduce
>my daughter, Marrissa?
MIKE: Uh oh... crash positions, everybody! Ratliff is introducing people!
This is *not* a drill! [Tom and Crow quickly duck down low in their
seats as Mike bends over with his arms wrapped around his head.]
> Marrissa this is your uncle Robert; his wife
>Marie, the best cook in France;
TOM SERVO [muffled]: Best, after Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, of course.
> your nephew Rene;
MIKE [muffled by his arms]: He's named after a nose.
> and in Marie's arms is
>little Theresa."
CROW [muffled]: The best diaper filler in France.
> "It's a pleasure to meet you, Marrissa," Marie said.
MIKE [muffled by his arms]: That's what they *all* say at first....
> "You must
>be tired after your long journey."
TOM SERVO [peeking up]: Wait a minute... it's over? Already? Hey, that
wasn't so bad!
[Everyone emerges from cover.]
CROW: Maybe someone down at Radford heard our screams and had mercy on us?
> "Yeah," Marrissa responded. "He told me to take the helm for a
>couple hours and slept for eight."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: In the free time I used my shuttle and the leftovers
from dinner to conquer four planets.
> "She was supposed to wake me," Jean-Luc replied to the unspoken
>question.
MIKE [as Picard]: But I induge her cute pranks like ignoring my commands
and doing dangerous piloting stunts because she's so
darling!
TOM SERVO: He's lucky she didn't push him out the airlock and go off to
start another war.
> "In any case, perhaps you'd like to see you see your room,"
>Marie responded.
CROW: Marie's stuttering habit always showed up at the worst times.
MIKE [as Marie]: Don't mind what looks like the lock, door brace, and
steel bars outside the room. They don't really work even
when we shut them all.
> "If I know Robert and Jean-Luc, they will want to
>check the wines before they come in."
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: I'll just get started on this bottle right here.
Just to be safe, I'd better taste test the whole
thing....
> Marrissa picked up her suitcase and followed Marie into the
>house, Rene on her tail.
CROW: [imitates a cat screeching in pain]
MIKE [as Rene]: Sorry, Marrissa. Didn't see your tail there.
>
> The room was larger than any bedroom Marrissa had ever seen.
>The walls were a pale pink with walnut paneled wainscot. There was a
>matching dresser and mirror.
CROW: They tried to find more girly interior decorating, but failed.
TOM SERVO: You know, sometimes I think that if Ratliff gave up writing
to pursue his dream of being an interior decorator we might
*all* be a little happier.
> But what had Marrissa's attention was the
>big bed with a white lacy canopy. She'd never seen such a bed.
MIKE [as commercial announcer]: Secretly, Marie replaced the pea under
Marrissa's mattress with rich, dark
Folger's Crystals. Let's see if she
notices!
> "This
>is mine?" she asked.
CROW [as Marrissa]: I'd like to have something closer to the weapons,
if you don't mind.
> "Whenever you visit," Marie confirmed. "The closet is over
>here. If you need any help, just shout. Rene is down the hall, third
>door on the right. Your father will be right across the hall.
TOM SERVO: Scooby, Shaggy, and Freddy will be staying in the next room, so
enjoy your stay. By the way, don't go down by the old saw mill;
the ghost of Confederate general Horace Niles Zebediah III is
haunting it.
> Lunch
>will be in a half an hour."
> After Marie left, Marrissa did what she had always wanted to do
>with a bed like the one in this room.
MIKE [while bouncing]: JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa! JUMPa!
> She plopped right on it.
ALL: EEEEEWWW!!
> She
>decided that she had been right as she stretched out. It was a nice
>soft bed.
TOM SERVO: She never felt the slight pinprick, nor the highly toxic poison
already working into her body.
> For a couple of minutes she enjoyed the feel of the soft
>bedspread and mattress.
CROW: Guys... I don't think we should be watching this.
MIKE: I agree.
> The she got up and smoothed out the bed.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: No one understands me but you, bed. You're my
only friend. The only one I need....
> She
>picked up her suitcase and put her shirts and slacks away. Finally she
>pulled out a photo. It wasn't of her dead parents . . .
CROW: She stopped photographing their rotting corpses weeks ago.
> that was still
>a painful memory. This was a picture of her and Captain Picard on the
>archeological field trip they had taken.
TOM SERVO: That too was a painful memory, but for far different reasons.
> Then sighing, she set out to
>find the dining room.
[Mike unwraps a candy bar and starts to eat it.]
CROW: Hey Mike, is that a Snickers?
MIKE: Yeah. Looks like this story's not going anywhere for a while.
>
> Marrissa took her seat next to her father and across from Rene.
>Marie and Robert were at the opposite ends of the table. Theresa was in
>a high chair next to her mother. The table was covered with a smooth
>white linen cloth and on it sat a feast.
TOM SERVO: The Colonel was in the drawing room. The poker used in the
heinous crime was found in the garden, stained with blood.
The fuzzy dice were nowhere to be seen. Immediately, Columbo
suspected foul play.
> Chicken breasts basted in
>butter was the main course. There were steaming hot mashed potatoes,
>green peas, and cauliflower in a yellow cheese sauce.
CROW: In Steve's universe, HDL cholesterol is *good* for you!
MIKE: You know it's good cooking if it causes a cardiac arrest.
> A basket full of
>fresh French bread completed the setting.
CROW: 'Cause they're in France, you know. Can't you see how much in
France they are?
TOM SERVO: Isn't it illegal to have dinner in France without wine?
Especially at a vineyard?
MIKE: I just can't wait to see Marrissa's face when she realizes there's
no strawberries....
> Marrissa bowed her head as
>the blessing was said,
CROW [as Marrissa]: Oh Lord, please let me grow up to crush and oppress
all ahead of me, to dominate my husband and confuse
Trek continuity. Amen.
> smelling the wonderful smells of a home cooked
>dinner.
TOM SERVO: Family dinner. You know what that means....
ALL: LET'S GET READY TO RRRRRRRUMBLE!!!
> "So Robert, how is business?" Jean-Luc asked, passing the
>potatoes to Marrissa.
TOM SERVO [as Robert]: Speaking of business, how about minding your own?!
CROW [as Robert]: I'm not a failure! *You're* a failure! You're *all*
failures!!!
> "Fairly good," Robert responded, taking the bread from Rene.
MIKE [as sports announcer]: It's a handoff by Rene, he goes downfield ten
yards and laterals to Szustakowski who runs
out of bounds just before being tackled!
> "Fairly good, Robert?" Marie remarked.
CROW [as Robert]: Yes, "fairly good". What are you, deaf?!
MIKE [as Marie]: Did I mention that ever since Robert's accident with the
vacuum cleaner, we don't waste any time with those pesky
marital relations?
> "Booming is more like
>it. Star Fleet business alone is twice it was last year."
TOM SERVO: Just imagine how good it'll be when humanity starts using money
again!
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: I saved your pathetic little grape juice factory with
*my* contacts and I will continue to hold that over you!
> "It's amazing what giving one bottle of wine to Admiral Necheyev
>can do," Jean-Luc remarked.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: She starts dancing and taking off her clothes... that
girl can *not* hold her liquor!
> "In the past year, I haven't visited a
>captain and not been offered some of the '49.
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: We're getting the whole *fleet* drunk!
Bwahahahaha!
> It's a good vintage."
> "The '50 is better, but I don't think that any year will beat
>'33," Robert remarked.
> "Perhaps," Jean-Luc replied. "I really want to see how the '63
>turns out.
CROW: Oh yeah? What about the '44? Or the '02? Or the '16? How
many 2-digit numbers is Ratliff going to make up, anyway?!
> It was father's last pressing, and each year seems to get
>better, but we taste no wine before it's time."
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Ha ha! Oh, I was saving that joke for just the right
moment... what? Come on, laugh! It's funny!
> "You may have a point," Robert conceded.
TOM SERVO [as Robert]: By the way, last week I threw all your childhood
posessions into the sewer. And I'd do it again!
It was fun, fun I tell you!
> "'33 was Grandfather's
>last after all. Did you hear about Rene's job?"
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Yeah. Freelance loser. Well done.
> "I noticed his name in the employee list at the stables,"
>Jean-Luc said. "So Rene, how are you enjoying being an exercise rider
>at Stargazer Stables?"
MIKE [as Rene, muttering]: Wine dates, wine dates, that's all they ever
talk about. I'm so glad I'm running away next
week.... sorry, what did you say?
> "I'm enjoying it, Uncle," Rene responded.
TOM SERVO [as Japanese boy]: In fact, I LIKE IT VERY *MUCH*!
> "Mister White tells
>me that
CROW [as Rene]: ... Miss Peacock did it in the conservatory with the
candlestick.
> Richard, Isabelle, and I have a chance to become the new jockey
>now that Maurice has retired."
MIKE [as Rene]: Of course, he keeps fondling an axe and cackling something
about "height requirements"....
> "How are this year's prospects?" Jean-Luc asked.
TOM SERVO: Suddenly he's the manager from the "Hired!" short.
> "Macedonian is fast out of the gate, but slows," Rene responded.
CROW [as Rene]: Then he disappears without a trace and isn't rediscovered
for twenty centuries.
>"In the Stars and Mistress of the Stars are too slow.
MIKE [as Rene]: ... so we had them made into dog food.
> Warp Speed is the
>best of them, but a little slow in crowds."
TOM SERVO: Then don't ride him through the stands, Rene!
> "Well Mikey will cure what ails them," Jean-Luc remarked.
CROW [as little kid]: Mikey'll cure 'em! He cures *everything*!
MIKE: Unfortunately, Uncle Mikey's "secret formula" was banned from all
racetracks last year.
> "I'm
>purchasing a new one to join the stable this afternoon.
TOM SERVO: So who does he think he is, William Shatner?
> I'll be over
>tomorrow to watch them exercise and perhaps a half-mile race."
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: But I'll want to keep that race down to 400 yards or
less.
> "I'll miss the horses when I go off to the Academy next year,"
>Rene commented.
MIKE [as Rene]: Who else will listen to my angst-tinged teenage Sturm und
Drang?
> "So Marrissa, what do you do in your spare time?"
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Oh, nothing special, really. Seize control of
Federation starships. Boss people around. Kill
everyone who crosses me. And you?
> "Not much," Marrissa responded, blushing. "I study a lot."
MIKE [as Marrissa]: I rule the universe, but try to only actively influence
it right before bedtime.
> "Marrissa has one the last three science fairs for her age on
>the Enterprise," Jean-Luc remarked proudly, much to Marrissa's
>embarrassment.
CROW: And ours.
> "So you're a scientist," Marie assumed. "I expect you spend a
>lot of time in the Enterprise's labs."
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Not when I need live human subjects.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Yup. Tampering with data, sabotaging projects,
spitting in the petri dishes...it's *fun*!
> "Not recently," Marrissa said, beginning to feel a little more
>comfortable. "I spend too much time working on starship tactics."
CROW: Apparently the Picards and their adopted spawn multitask beyond the
dreams of Unix!
> "Following in Jean-Luc's footsteps, I see," Robert remarked. "I
>wish my son would follow in mine."
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: But daddy, I don't *want* to be an experimental guinea
pig for the military's bizarre super-soldier
experiments!
MIKE [as Robert]: Rubbish, boy, it's a family tradition!
> "Not again," Rene sighed, looking up towards the ceiling as if
>he was praying for divine intervention to change the topic.
CROW: We've tried that, kid. It never works.
> "When I was his age, I was already a fair wine tester, and spent
>hours
TOM SERVO [as Robert]: ... drunk in the cellar.
> tending the vines," Robert remarked, shaking his fork full of
>chicken at his son.
MIKE: And getting feathers all over the table.
> "As I recall, you grumbled tough most of the vine tending,"
>Jean-Luc remembered. "And as for the wine testing, you had to be almost
>drunk before you could identify the wine."
CROW [as Robert]: So I like to be thorough, is that so wrong?
> "I never got drunk tasting wine," Robert responded.
MIKE [as Robert]: But gin? All the time!
> "Oh no brother, you never got drunk," Jean-Luc replied, a
>twinkle in his eye.
TOM SERVO: You know, sometimes when imagery hits you the wrong way, you
just want to get up and toss your cookies....
> "You just fell into the wine cellar and broken your
>arm."
CROW [as Robert]: Accidents happen, dear brother... even to Starfleet
captains. Take my meaning?
> "I was distracted," Robert remarked.
> "By the wine," Jean-Luc insisted, tapping the side of his
>wineglass.
MIKE: Jean-Luc... I think you could have picked a better time to do an
intervention.
> "No, by Francine DeBarque," Robert stated.
> "Oh, so Francine just happened to walk by," Jean-Luc remarked.
TOM SERVO: That's right, Robert, berate your son, then talk about other
women in front of your wife. Why not try some full frontal
nudity while you're at it?
MIKE: "My Dinner with Andre," this ain't.
> "I remember Francine," Marie said. "She was a grade ahead of
>me. Blond hair, blue eyes, she had all the boys chasing after her. She
>looked a lot like Marrissa."
CROW [as Marie]: *Sigh* If she only knew how much I wanted her....
> "I've got violet eyes," Marrissa replied. "And I certainly
>don't have boys chasing me."
MIKE: Perverted Starfleet officers, yes, but no boys.
> "Give them time Marrissa, you're only twelve," Marie stated.
>Jean-Luc looked startled. "Is there something wrong, Jean-Luc?"
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: Marie, do you think I'm losing my hair?
> "I remember Francine," Jean-Luc responded. "If boys come after
>Marrissa like they did Francine, I don't know how I'll protect her."
MIKE: Somehow I don't think Marrissa's the one you need to worry about
protecting.
> "Dad don't worry," Marrissa reassured, calling him dad for the
>first time. "If any boy bothers me,
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... Ratliff will contrive some painful and
embarrassing death for them.
> I'll just tell him who my father is
>and they'll leave."
> "I have that reputation among children," Jean-Luc asked.
CROW [as Marrissa]: No, actually your reputation is that of a pompous,
overbearing stuffed-shirt panty waist... oh, I'm
sorry, I thought you said among the *officers*.
> "And
>I'm not worried about the boys you don't like."
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: You can always bite their heads off, just like a black
widow.
> "You don't do anything that could get the Captain against you,"
>Marrissa said. "My friends thought I was crazy when I set out to get
>you as my mentor. They said I was risking my time on the ship."
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: So I had them deported and had new friends sent
in. I like these new ones *much* better now!
>
> After dinner, Marrissa explored the vineyard. Her new uncle
>Robert showed her the winepress and bottler.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: But if I put my hand in there, won't it hurt?
CROW [as Robert]: Shut up, kid! Just do it!
> Rene showed her the wine
>cellar. She got her first taste of wine, which she didn't like.
MIKE: Marrissa was cast out of the Picard family in disgrace.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: As God is my witness... I'LL NEVER BE FRENCH AGAIN!
> Afterwards, she visited the library. The selection of books was
>enormous.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Let's see... there's "Hop On Pop", the Amway sales
manual, "Dianetics", "Beat Bedwetting Through
Hypnosis"...
> One whole section of the wall contained just books for
>children her age.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... "The Kobayashi Maru Test: What It Can Do For You",
"How To Gain Rank And Abuse Others", "Outwitting Adults
In Ten Easy Lessons", "Awakening The Tyrant Within"....
> There was Dixon's Hardy Boys, Kreene's Nancy Drew,
CROW: Uh, that's *Keene*, Steve....
>and even some Three Investagators.
MIKE [as Curly]: Hey Moe!
TOM SERVO: Apparently no juvenile fiction has been written for over 400
years.
MIKE [as Marrissa]: What kind of a library is this, anyway?! Where's the
Goosebumps?
CROW [as Marrissa]: No Sweet Valley High? No Encyclopedia Brown?
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: No Babysitter's Club? No Animorphs?
> Marrissa pulled out one of the Nancy
>Drew books, Nancy Drew and the Crumbling Wall, and opened it. It was a
>first edition!
CROW: Ah, yes... rare, first edition books left out in the open for any
random visitor to fold, spindle and mutilate! Good one, Jean-Luc!
> Marrissa knew that those were very rare and this one was
>in almost mint condition after four centuries.
TOM SERVO: But not for long...
> She curled up in a
>nearby chair and began to read it, careful not to damage it.
MIKE: Apart from using the yellow marker on the good parts.
CROW: And dogearing each page after she reads it.
TOM SERVO: And putting scotch tape tabs at the start of each chapter.
> After a while her father came in. "Anything interesting?" he
>asked.
MIKE: Nope. Just a lot of boring talk about books and meals and horses
and wines and old girlfriends... thanks, Ratliff!
CROW [deep voice]: Ratliff! This is GOD! PICK UP THE PACE!!!
> "Just a Nancy Drew I haven't read," Marrissa replied without
>looking up.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Just a priceless antique I wanted to devalue.
> "Enjoy," the Captain said, picking up a copy of the unabridged
>Shakespeare. He turned to The Taming of the Shrew, and sat down on the
>couch.
MIKE: A very appropriate choice for Marrissa's new father.
CROW: [as Jean-Luc]: Heh heh heh... Beverly, you'll always be Kate to me.
> Then Rene came in. He pulled out one of the Hardy Boys books
>and sat in the chair on the other end of the couch.
TOM SERVO: You know, I'd heard so much in previews about the intense
reading scene, but I didn't know it would be so... so... so...
CROW: Dull and uninteresting?
TOM SERVO: Only more so.
> Robert joined them
>in the library to work on some account statements on his desk near the
>windows.
CROW [as Robert]: Whenever I have trouble sleeping, a little accounting
*always* does the trick.
> Then Rene and Marrissa yawned, one after another.
TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Close up the accounting stuff, Robert, it's
boring us from across the room.
MIKE: Plot commentary from the characters, folks! You heard it here first!
> "If you are
>tired, you should go to bed," Robert remarked.
TOM SERVO [as Robert]: Or just drink yourselves unconscious already!
> "Quite right," Jean-Luc seconded.
> "Just another chapter," Marrissa and Rene replied in unison.
CROW: The scene screams Norman Rockwell, but my emotions are all yelling
Norman Bates. How to choose, how to choose...
> "Humph," Robert responded.
MIKE: And yet another adult finds himself bested by adolescents.
> Soon the books slipped from Marrissa's and Rene's hands as they
>fell asleep. The thump of the books hitting the floor alerted their
>parents.
TOM SERVO: ... who immediately beat them senseless for damaging prized
antiques.
CROW: Great, we've got the psi-linked cousins, the intensely lukewarm
rivalry between brothers and dramatic scenes of people reading. All
we need now is a little nookie and this could be Voyager.
> Jean-Luc looked over at Marrissa who was curled up in the
>chair with a smile on her face. She was dreaming of solving the mystery
>she had just begun reading.
TOM SERVO: A small squad of Romulans could wipe out the Hardy Boys and
then Nancy Drew would have the world all to herself!
MIKE [as Marrissa]: Mmmm... reroute... deflector dish... *snort, mumble*...
lock... suspects in... *little smacking noises*...
small room together... would work... Frank...
> "I think I'll carry Marrissa to her room," Jean-Luc whispered to
>his brother.
CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Or we could drive her to Marseilles and abandon her in
the streets.
> "I don't want to disturb her sleep.
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: She's disturbed enough during her waking hours.
> She's had so little
>of it with the nightmares of her parents deaths."
TOM SERVO: Not to mention the ones where some Comp Sci student is
controlling her like an insane marionette.
> "I wouldn't get into a habit of it," Robert whispered back.
MIKE [as Robert]: Love just makes people soft.
>"Twelve-year-olds are heavy. I intend to wake up Rene when I finish the
>accounting."
CROW [as Robert]: That's why I brought this tuba in here.
> "It's not that far to her room," Jean-Luc dismissed.
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc, singing]: She's not heavy... she's my demon
spawn...
> "Rene's is even closer, but you don't see me carrying him,"
>Robert said, as Jean-Luc gently lifted Marrissa from her chair.
MIKE [as Picard]: That's because you're not a *manly* man like me.
>
> Jean-Luc carried Marrissa down the hall to her room.
CROW: [makes exhausted wheezing noises]
MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: "Not that far"... what was I *thinking*?!
> He opened
>the door and brought her over to the bed. He careful stripped her of
>her outer garments and slid her under the covers.
[Crow, Tom and Mike all begin to politely cough.]
TOM SERVO: Careful, Jean-Luc... remember, her name's Marrissa, not
Soon-Yi.
> Then he moved to the
>door. He paused there, looking back at the sleeping girl. Robert was
>right that she was heavy, but standing here at the door looking at
>Marrissa sleeping peaceful for once, some how Jean- Luc knew that she
>was worth every ounce.
CROW: Two dollars a pound or so, depending on how choice the cut was.
[Continued in Part Two]