MiSTied: Uncanny X-Men <part 2/2
TCurryFan
CONTINUED FROM PART ONE...
[Fade in to the Satellite of Love's Bridge. Mike and the 'Bots are
positioned on and around the table again, Mike is trying to tidy up the
piles of comics.]
CROW: [smugly] I rest my case, Tommy Boy!
TOM: [bitterly] Alright, alright! So Marvel Comics deserves to be
razed to the ground.
CROW: Say, how many Pepsi points did we need to get the Harrier, again?
TOM: Oooh! We're almost there..!
[Mike is flipping through Uncanny X-Men #183 when movie lights start
flashing]
ALL: AHHHHH!!! WE GOT COMIC BOOK SIGN!!!
*... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater]
> SAN DIEGO. The campaign trail.
CROW: Bob Dole is in his campaign bus downing martinis and sobbing like
a baby.
> ANNOUNCER: Please WELCOME to the stage the NEXT president of the United
> States, the protector of HUMANS' rights ... GRAYDON CREED!
MIKE: Let's all give him a big hand!
ALL: [cheering noises]
> ICEMAN: Excuse me, sir. MR. JAMESON?
MIKE: [as Jameson] AH! Don't shout like that! You nearly gave me a
heart attack!
> JAMESON: Yes?
>
> ICEMAN: I know you're here with the PRESS CORPS, but STILL -- No one
> is allowed to SMOKE in here.
CROW: [as Jameson] Bite me.
> JAMESON: There are a lot of things that aren't SUPPOSED to be happening
> here, son. But they ARE.
CROW: [as Iceman] Well, yeah, I gue- huh?
> ICEMAN: Can you be more CRYPTIC?
CROW: Can you be more annoying?
> JAMESON: I'm talking about you BLASTED WOLVES in SHEEP'S CLOTHING --
MIKE & CROW: Baah, bahh...
TOM: Hoooowwwlll... D'OH!
> Trying to win an ELECTION by playing on people's fear of mutants. I'm
> the PUBLISHER of the DAILY BUGLE, a newspaper predicated on the
> PRECEPTS of free SPEECH -- and the responsibility that comes with FREE
> THOUGHT.
TOM: Maybe we should lock this guy up with Rush Limbaugh for about a
week...
MIKE: At _least_.
> Whether you're talking about MUTANTS or the MIDDLE EAST or -- or
> PUBLIC HOUSING and HEALTHCARE REFORM -- People need to make up their
> OWN MINDS
CROW: [as Jameson] Even if I have to tell them what that might be!
MIKE: Love me, fear me, do everything I say- and I will be your slave.
> about the ISSUES! INSTEAD, they get SCARED and line up behind the
> SHEPHERD DU JOUR --
TOM: Oh, you know, I bet that goes great with a nice red wine!
CROW: Oh, yeah!
> and follow him up the side of the mountain and right up over the FLAMING
> CLIFF!
ALL: [as if falling off a cliff] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
> I'm TELLING you, kid, I've SEEN this happen BEFORE. I'll be DAMNED if
> I'm going to stand by and watch it happen AGAIN!
TOM: I think Jameson has some "issues" to deal with.
CROW: I'd say...
> ICEMAN: (thinks) Well, who'da thought?
MIKE: Not you...
TOM: Which makes him perfect for the X-Men!
> GOOD for you, Jonah! What's the EXPRESSION, about politics making
> STRANGE BEDFELLOWS?
CROW: Sa-... Ummm [cough, cough]....
TOM: I guess that "Iceman is gay" rumor is true!
> J. JONAH JAMESON may have been the LAST person I would have EXPECTED to
> meet --
MIKE: [as Iceman] But now I have... And he's sooo dreamy... Just like
his pictures!
> when CYCLOPS decided the X-MEN should keep as CLOSE an eye on Creed's
> anti-mutant campaign ... even if it means going UNDERCOVER. So far so
> GOOD, but I can't SHAKE this feeling of --
CROW: Not being about to finish my-
> MS. ALVAREZ: MR. ROBERTS?
ALL: AH!
> ICEMAN: Eh?
MIKE: He's Canadian?
CROW: No, no, that's Woverine's schtick.
> MS. ALVAREZ: DRAKE Roberts?
TOM: [as Iceman] I _could_ be, for you, babe!
CROW: Wait, isn't he-
MIKE: Shush, Crow...
> ICEMAN: (thinks) It's ACTUALLY Robert Drake, but while I'm here
> undercover...
MIKE: I hope she can't read minds.
CROW: Or captions.
TOM: Switching his first and last names... _Clever_.
> ICEMAN: That's me, and you arrre..?
TOM: And this is pertaining tooooooo..?
CROW: Wait, now he's trilling his "r's"?
MIKE: He's Scottish?
TOM: Oh great, he's Canadian, he's Scottish- he's all over the map!
CROW: Pick an accent and stick with it, Bobby!
> MS. ALVAREZ: CARLY ALVAREZ, volunteer coordinator of CREED '96. If you
> come with me, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Creed's new personal
> assistant.
TOM: Mr. Roberts, Mr. Manson; Mr. Manson, Mr. Roberts.
> ICEMAN: It seems like support for our candidate is growing every day.
>
> MS. ALVAREZ: HONESTLY, Drake -- It's a little more COMPLICATED than
> that.
TOM: [falsetto] You insipid, doddering fool!
MIKE: God, I hope she doesn't do a Perot on us and pull out a pie chart!
'BOTS: AH!
> When Graydon started out, there were a lot of FRIENDS-OF-HUMANITY
> hangers-on. For POLITICAL reasons, it was necessary to DISTANCE himself
> from them,
CROW: [as Iceman] Zzzzz... [snort] Huh? I'm sorry... [yawn] What
were you saying?
> there sometimes RADICAL views could conceivably HURT HIM in Middle
> America. With the campaign's INFRASTRUCTURE GONE, a LOT of SHOES have
> needed to be filled.
MIKE: [as Alvarez] So we went to Payless! We got some great bargains!
> Drake Roberts, meet SAMSON GUTHRY.
>
> ICEMAN: SAM GUTHRIE, Eh?
TOM: No, "SAMSON GUTHRY". Geez...
CROW: Yep, definitely X-Man material.
MIKE: [as Iceman] You've got an even less creative alias than me!
> CANNONBALL: With a "y". Nice to MEET you, sir.
MIKE: Amazing how he can sense the spelling of a spoken word.
CROW: [nodding] Just amazing.
MIKE: And how this exchange doesn't seem at all suspicious.
CROW: Oh, yeah!
> At that moment, somewhere in the air over New York City...
ALL: [cough, cough, cough]
> PSYLOCKE: Anything yet, HANK?
CROW: [falsetto] No? A little lower and to the left? We'll cure your
impotence yet!
MIKE: [smacks Crow] Knock it off, I said!
TOM: Real subtle, Crow...
> BEAST: BARELY a blip, Betsy. Not SURPRISING though, considering the
> PASSIVE NATURE of Archangel's MUTATION.
MIKE: Ah, he's passive-aggressive.
CROW: That explains a lot.
> Gambit, be an AMIGO and change our course so that Cerebro -- The
> trademarked MUTANT DETECTION SYSTEM --
CROW: [as announcer] Can be yours for JUST $199.95! But wait- there's
more!
> Might better PINPOINT our woebegone winged wonder.
TOM: Ah; alliteration.
CROW: He's a literate alliterator!
> GAMBIT: Hang a LEFT or a RIGHT?
>
> BEAST: LEFT.
CROW: [singing] "...my heart in San Francisco."
> GAMBIT: You couldna' just SAID dat, mon ami?
TOM: Oh no, then he wouldn't have been able to slide in that subtle
description of Cerebro's abilities without being heavy-handed.
> JOSEPH: Enough is ENOUGH, Logan.
MIKE: Sayyy.... Oh, now you guys got ME doing it!
'BOTS: Hehehehe...
> WHY do you keep STARING at me -- WHAT is it you see?
CROW: A butterfly!
TOM: No, no, _obviously_ it's a Christmas tree.
> WOLVERINE: YOU tell me... "Joseph".
MIKE: It's no wonder he hangs out with these guys, they all talk like
psychologists.
CROW: Lobdell needs writing lessons; don't you agree, Servo?
TOM: I don't know, Crow, what do YOU think?
> BEAST: Oh happy day, LADY and GENTLEMEN! In the THUMBS UP department,
TOM: Oh, great, now he's Siskel. Or Ebert.
CROW: Well, he's certainly not bald enough to be Siskel.
> Cerebro has FOUND him. Vis-a-vis, thumbs down..? He's NOT ALONE.
> There's ANOTHER mutant nearby.
MIKE: [as X-Man] Great! Let's ask him to join!
CROW: Especially if he's got a criminal record- and if he's personally
tried to kill us, he's a shoo-in!
> GAMBIT: Mes amis -- DE CHURCH?! It's ON FIRE?!
TOM: I dunno- is it?
MIKE: <singing> Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire!
> WOLVERINE: Judgin' by the SILHOUETTE, bub ... Looks like whoever LIVED
> in there must have had his OWN GUARDIAN ANGEL!
>
> PSYLOCKE: Warren, your wings --?!
>
> ANGEL: Aren't IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. This priest needs HELP.
TOM: He's given his life over to a theology riddled with contradiction
and farce; with a history of causing endless evil, that plays upon his
greatest fears and desires; conveniently proving to him that everything
his narrow mind wants to believe is right!
> GAMBIT: I don't get it. His original wings were amputated! It is
> possible dey could... grow back?!
CROW: Well, apparently!
MIKE: So, wait- these guys have all these weird powers, have traveled to
other planets and dimensions, and have all died and come back to life at
LEAST once- and they're shocked about THIS?
> WOLVERINE: *SNIFF SNIFF* You've been with the X-Men long ENOUGH,
> LeBeau
TOM: [as Gambit] Still, it makes me uncomfortable when you sniff by butt
like that in greeting... Logan, please stop humping my leg.
> -- To know that ANYTHING is possible.
MIKE: Told ya!
TOM: Oh, so now he's The 8th Doctor?
MIKE: Or Lestat.
CROW: THERE'S two people I'd love to see in a room together...
> PADRE: ..but he's IN... there ... *cough* *cough* ...he's STILL...
> in there!
TOM: It's got a beat, and I can dance to it!
CROW: [singing] "He's still... in there..."
MIKE: [cough, cough]
CROW: [singing] "He's still... in there..."
MIKE: [cough, cough]
[Tom bobs and jiggles around]
> GAMBIT: What's he talking about, Logan? Is anybody STILL ALIVE in
> dere?
MIKE: [as Wolverine] What are you askin' ME for? I'm not psychic fer
cryin' out loud!
> WOLVERINE: According to this SCENT I'm pickin' up, yeah. There's
> SOMEBODY in there. OLD SPARRIN' PARTNER of ours ... by the name o'
> PYRO! For OBVIOUS reasons.
CROW: He's a flaming-?
MIKE: Ok, that's IT!
[MIKE rips off CROW's webbing amidst much protest and screaming from CROW
and tosses it across the theater]
MIKE: And the rest of your head goes next, you lech.
TOM: Yowza!
> BEAST: If ANYONE needs me, I'll be ... SOMEWHERE else!
CROW: OH, gee, HE'S a big help! Thanks for your support, Hank!
> WOLVERINE: Get the ole man out of here, BEAST! WE'LL deal with the
> FLAME CREATURE.
>
> GAMBIT: SURE, we will, mon ami. Any SUGGESTIONS?
ALL: Run away! Run away!
> PYRO: What are you doing here, X-MEN?! I didn't WANT it to end this
> way! Didn't mean to start this fire!
MIKE: Then it's a good thing he didn't, since starting fire isn't in his
"mutant repartoire".
> I'm DYING, YES, you KNOW that ... but I don't want to take ANY of you
> WITH me!
TOM: Ummm... Doesn't this guy HATE the X-Men?
> GAMBIT: Just as well ... seein' as we got OTHER PLANS!
TOM: So, you DO want him to take you with him?
> PYRO: You're WASTING your energy, MATE! Your KINETICALLY CHARGED
> CARDS evaporate before they explode.
TOM: Premature, kinda like... Well, ask Rogue... Hehehe....
MIKE: Tom... Don't make me have to throw you across the room, too.
> JOSEPH: Clearly they DO, "PYRO".
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] I'm so above all of you peons that I say your names
as if the were in quotes! HA!
> Perhaps a more direct assault is in order?
MIKE: One direct assault comin' up! And where's that flanking group
I asked for? C'mon, I got customers out here!
> PYRO: WHA--?! The METAL in the FENCING... you're magnetically
> CONTROLLING IT?!
CROW: Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
> But only ONE MAN is CAPABLE of doing that!
MIKE: The wheels are turning....
> You...
CROW: He's almost got it...
> you're the man that originally BROUGHT our group TOGETHER -- The one who
> STARTED this whole mess! you're... Magneto?
TOM: TOUCHDOWN!
> JOSEPH: Once. Now I am the man who is going to CRUSH you beneath that
> steel if you do not extinguish these FLAMES.
TOM: That's "not talking like Magneto" for you.
CROW: [as "Joseph"] I crush your head! I'm crushing your heads!
> WOLVERINE: BACK OFF, KID!
MIKE: "Kid"? Wait- so Wolverine's older?
TOM: Well, seeing as Magneto was a teenager in WWII, and Wolverine's
OLDER than DIRT, I'd have to go with Wolvie oh this one.
MIKE: Ok. Oh, and Tom?
TOM: Yes?
MIKE: Faaaannnboooyyy!
> We're here to TAKE HIM DOWN, Joseph -- Not T'KILL him if he DON'T do
> what we ask him to.
MIKE: So, they're gonna "Take him down-"
CROW: No, that's "TAKE HIM DOWN"
MIKE: Sorry... So, they're supposed to "TAKE HIM DOWN", but not kill
him? I mean, doesn't "take him down" MEAN to kill him?
CROW: You'd think Wolvie would know that, huh?
TOM: Maybe they're talking about altering his pants?
> In ANOTHER time and place, this young man would have KILLED Wolverine
> for LESS. That was a DIFFERENT young man.
MIKE: In fact, he wasn't a young man...
TOM: In fact, he's not even in these comics. Forget I mentioned it. I
don't know WHAT I was thinking... Sorry.
> JOSEPH: I'm.. SORRY, Wolverine. Despite the WORDS I chose, I didn't
> MEAN to HARM him.
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] Just crush him a little.
> I was merely trying to PREVENT him from causing ANY MORE damage ... to
> HIMSELF, or to OTHERS.
'BOTS: [singing] "We're a danger to ourselves and others!"
> WOLVERINE: What are ya, BLIND, Joseph?
TOM: Eh-hehm. They prefer to be called "visually challenged".
> Can't ya see the GUY'S in PAIN?
CROW: He prefers to be called "comfort challenged".
MIKE: That wasn't very funny the first time.
> The Legacy Virus is KILLIN' him -- EATING AWAY at HIS CONTROL over his
> mutant ability to control FLAME.
>
> JOSEPH: You're saying we should get him to MUIR ISLAND for TREATMENT?
MIKE: Sure, once you stop shouting....
> WOLVERINE: NOW, yer think--
TOM: -ing
MIKE: Oops- guess he can't be an X-Man, after all.
TOM: Tsk, tsk...
> PYRO: no, listen t'me, you maniac
ALL: [singing] "He's a man-i-ac! Man-i-ac! On the floor!"
> -- I'M not important. This isn't ABOUT me. it's about... THEM.
MIKE: Oh, of course. THEM. [twirls finger around his ear]
> AARRGH! ev'ry BREATH i TAKE...
TOM: [singing] "Every MOVE I MAKE... I'll be WATCHING you..."
CROW: Too easy.
> can FEEL the flames in my LUNGS!
MIKE: [singing] "Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fi-"
CROW: Ok, Mike- we GET it.
> they KNEW that. i TOLD them... went to them for HELP ... and they
> TRIED T'USE it ... AGAINST me.
TOM: Those bastards!
MIKE: And "they" are?
> ANGEL: WHO, Allerdyce. Who are "THEY"?
MIKE: Hey! Stop reading my mind!
TOM: No, only Betsy and Jean can do that.
MIKE: Oh... Hehe... That might be fun...
> TELL us and we might be able to STOP THEM for you.
MIKE: But I doubt it.
> PYRO: i don't WANT him dead...
TOM: I thought it was a woman he wanted to warn everyone about?
MIKE: Well, I'm confused.
> NOT ANYMORE. not that i know what DYIN' means. but THEY do... they
> FIGURED i had NOTHING to lose.
CROW: Do you HAVE ANY idea what he's talking about?
MIKE: He's just rambling now.
TOM: Sad, really.
> but i STILL have... MY DIGNITY.
MIKE: Well, you did until you showed up in THIS piece of trash.
> WOLVERINE: YEAH. As HIRED ASSASSINS go, yer a prince.
TOM: Wolvie, I have three words for you- Pot. Kettle. Black.
> NAMES, Pyro.
>
> ANGEL: WHO are those people? WHO is it they want to KILL?!
CROW: Hootie and the Blowfish, just the same as everyone else.
> PYRO: it's HER... just what she ALWAYS... WANTED. from the
> B'GINNING... what she wanted...
MIKE: And of course, something happens to him just as he's about to
tell us, even though he was around long enough to babble incoherently
for ten minutes.
> In less time than it takes to tell ... the MYSTERY that lingered on the
> LIPS of a DYING MAN
CROW: Ewwww...
MIKE: You might wanna try some Blistex.
> -- Is Buried BENEATH a TON of STONE which seemed to SWALLOW him whole.
CROW: Oh gee... couldn't see THAT coming.
MIKE: Even though it was approached with all the subtlety of a train
wreck.
> JOSEPH: I don't understand... it's as if the earth was SUDDENLY ALIVE!
TOM: [singing] "The Earth is alive... with the sound of music!"
> Maybe I can use my MAGNETIC POWERS to --
TOM: [as "Joseph"] -Finish my sentence!
> WOLVERINE: DON'T break a sweat. He's gone. Now that the WIND has
> changed,
MIKE: [as Wolverine] I have to go find another family with kids to be
a nanny to.
> I picked up ANOTHER scent.
CROW: Well, put it down, for cryin' out loud! You don't know where
that's been!
> One of Pyro's old TEAMMATES from the BROTHERHOOD OF MUTANTS.
TOM: Shouldn't that be the "Siblinghood of Mutants"?
CROW: Remember, they prefer to be called "genetically challenged".
> A guy by the name o' AVALANCHE was just here.
MIKE: [as Wolvie] Along with some guys name Twister, Sinkhole, and
Tsunami...
TOM: And their leader is the greatest natural disaster of them all...
ROB LIEFELD!!!
[Mike gasps, Crow faints]
> JOSEPH: You're saying... HE killed Pyro?
>
> PSYLOCKE: WORSE, he TOOK Pyro. I could SENSE them LEAVING...
MIKE: Wait, so, she could sense them leaving, but she couldn't sense
Avalanche was there IN THE FIRST PLACE and warn them?
> Avalanche using his power to move TONS of EARTH around them to COVER
> their escape.
TOM: Yeah, thanks for explaining that to us AGAIN.
> But if THEY have TURNED ON HIM as he CLAIMS ...
TOM: Saayyyy...
MIKE: No, no, "turned ON him", not "turned him ON".
> Allerdyce might have
CROW: And now, let's give a big welcome for Aller "Dyce" CLAY!
ALL: [cheering noises, etc.]
> PREFERRED to die SOONER than LATER.
MIKE: Do YOU really THINK so?
TOM: YES, I THINK he WOULD.
> PADRE: If it is of ANY SOLACE at all, I can tell you that he is a MAN
> who -- AT LONG LAST -- Is at PEACE with himself.
ALL: [as X-Men] It's not.
> ANGEL: [thinks] I wish I could say the SAME THING about ME.
CROW: He wants to get swallowed up by a ton of earth and stone?
> From the MOMENT I LOST my wings, I PRAYED I'd SOMEHOW get them back
> again. But now that I HAVE, I can't help wondering if it's just ONE
> MORE PART of APOCALYPSE'S MASTER PLAN. Or could it be I HAVE survived
> ... So that the ARCHANGEL OF DEATH is gone -- And the Angel is FREE to
> FLY AGAIN?
All: Nahhh...
MIKE: This one's an interesting case, a paranoid optimist.
> NEXT ISSUE: WOULDJA BELIEVE SPIDER-MAN & HAVOK?!
CROW: No way, they could never work out.
TOM: [as Don Adams] Would you believe...
MIKE: Time to go, guys!
CROW: Thank Stan Lee! Hey, Mike, wanna go get my web, pal?
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater]
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... *
[SOL]
TOM: Did everyone manage to escape with their will to live mostly intact?
MIKE: Yeah, I think so. I'm only marginally depressed. Sort of like
after glimpsing road kill on the highway.
CROW: YEAaahhh... That's it exactly!
MIKE: Oh, the mads are calling. [pushes button]
[Deep 13]
FRANK: [off-viewer] DEEP 13. SECRET HEADQUARTERS of the MAD SCIENTISTS
--
NESTLED in the BOWELS beneath...
DR. F: FRANK! Snap out of it, man!
FRANK: In those shadowy corridors, THE MAN CALLED FORRESTER, and THE
MUTANT known only as TV'S FRANK -- plot SOVEREIGN RULE OF THE EARTH!
[SOL]
TOM: -The hell?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [steps into view and confides to viewer] Frank seems to have
read too many Scott Lobdell books in one sitting and can now only speak
in cliche'ed, heavy-handed captions. A fascinating side effect, but
YOU'RE meant to be the skull we're cracking here, Nelson.
[SOL]
MIKE: It could be worse. What if he'd developed inexaustable angst
instead?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: One of these days, blond boy, I swear I'll have you talking to
dust bunnies and trying to suck Pez through a straw. Push the button,
Frank. [glances to his right side, irritated Frank isn't there] Oh,
never mind. [hits the button himself]
\|/
- * -
/|\
DR. F: Dear god, Frank; are you wearing Spandex?!
[roll credits]
MiSTing by Catherine Johnson <TCur...@aol.com>, with Benjamin Wick.
Host segments and editing by Benjamin Wick <pho...@guppy.readynetgo.com>.
Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the Uncanny X-Men and all characters and
situations therein are copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. and Marvel Comics
Group, respectively. We are not selling this work, and don't have any
money, so don't sue us. In addition, this MiSTing is not a personal
attack on Marvel Comics, their staff, or anyone else. It is meant in fun
and games, and should not be taken seriously.
--
> What are you staring at? Did I do something wrong?
--
"Hey, the moon looks just like Arizona, you guys!"
-Joel Robinson, _MST3K:_The_Robot_Vs._The_Aztec_Mummy_
Catherine Johnson ---------- MiSTie #75,125 ---------- TCur...@aol.com