[MSTed] 'The Io Saga' Pt. 2 of 4 [SM] [PG]
Megane 6.7
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 30: THE IO SAGA PT. 2
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"The Io Saga" is the property of Sarah J. Gates and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
* * *
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>Morpher Intsu: Ha! Without the Charon and Miranda teams, you can't do
>squat to stop me!
Crow: Oh, just throw some salt at him and be done with it!
Tom: There are whole roving BATTALIONS of Moon Senshi now? Yikes...
the Moon Kingdom's got a veritable hit squad!
Joel: There must not be even one NORMAL schoolgirl in Tokyo left!
>Sailor Triton: Ah, but that's where you're wrong. We have the inner
>senshi to help stop you.
Tom: <Sailor Moon> And exactly when did WE become the junior varsity?!
Joel: <Haruka> Hey, what about me and Michiru?
Crow: <Sailor Io> You warm that bench and warm it good!
>Morpher Intsu: I'd much rather destroy you now than prolong your wait
>for your deaths...
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Aw, come on, we always kill our foes before we get
to know them. Let's have some ice cream and chat for a spell first?
Whaddayasay?
>Sailor Io: Io Opal Staff!
>Sailor Io pulls the opal out of her tiara as it turns into a small opal rain-
>drop that extends itself into an opal staff. Sailor Io idly twirls her staff.
Tom: Hey, I got an umbrella like that!
Joel and Crow: <sweatdrop>
>Sailor Europa: Europa Tiger's Claw!
Crow: Who died and made you Wing Commander?
>Sailor Europa removes the tiger-eye jewel from her tiara as it turns
>into a small tiger-eye raindrop. It extends itself into a sickle that Sailor
>Europa twirls idly.
Joel: Thank god for baton twirling lessons!
Tom: And therefore, it'd be no big deal for Intsu to hit either the sickle or
the staff away from either Senshi. Good strategy!
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Hey! We're supposed to get beat for about five minutes
before pulling out our awesome weapons! No fair!
>Sailor Mimas: Mimas Pearl Sword!
>Sailor Mimas's jewel becomes a sword which she twirls idly.
Joel: <Sailor Mimas> Thunder. Thunder. Thunder. *yawn* Thundercats. Ho.
Tom: Why does even need a sword when she's got the Mimas touch?
>Sailor Triton: Triton Jade Spear!
>Sailor Triton's jewel becomes a jade spear.
Joel: Finally! Someone that takes their weapon handling seriously!
Crow: And poor Phobos is revealed to have a pair of pinking shears, solidifying
her role as the butt of the Silver Millennium jokes.
>Sailor Phobos: Phobos granite Axe!
>Sailor Phobos's gem becomes a large, heavy looking, granite axe.
Tom: Try giving THAT a idle twirl, eh?
Crow: Heehee... so she's now Paul Bunyan?
Joel: Meanwhile, Jupiter had already zapped the goo and the inner senshi were
just taking in the show.
>Sailor Mercury: Umm, do you mind telling us what is going on?
Tom: <Sailor Venus> Aww, come on Mercury! Enjoy yourself! They're gonna
do all the work and we get to relax for a change!
>Sailor Triton: Like we said, no time! We need to take car of this creep!
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Not my gold Porsche! Nooooo!
Crow: <Sailor Pluto> Time? Did someone say time?
>Morpher Intsu: Morpher Trident!
Tom: ...gum, recommended by four out of five dentists!
Crow: Boy, usually when people yell things like this they actually try to..
y'know...
ATTACK each other... yet we're still standing around. Any reason for that, fic?
>Morpher Intsu holds up his hand and a grayish trident forms in it. It
>is large and around it is a small, blackish glow.
Tom: <Sailor Io> Ha! I've blown up Bubbalicious, doubled my pleasure
decimating Doublemint, and humbled Hubba Bubba! Your puny gum
doesn't impress me!
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> Is that so. Well, mine has the POWER OF GINGIVITIS!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
>Sailor Moon: I'll take care of this gooey guy!
Crow: Hey, when did this become a lemon?
Joel: Crow....
>Moon Princes...
>Sailor Mimas: NOOO! Energy attacks make him stronger! Only hand-to-hand
>combat can hurt him, if you can get close enough.
Tom: <Sailor Moon> Okay then. Makoto, you start slapping around Rei
and I'll kick Sailor Io repeatedly in the head.
Joel: <Sailor Mimas> Um, I meant hand-to-hand combat with the pile of goo.
Tom: <Sailor Moon> Oh.
>Sailor Io charges Morpher Intsu with her staff ahead of her. She
>manages to jam her staff in his stomach.
Tom: <Sailor Io> Aw, crap, it's stuck! Uhhh, little help here, please?
Joel: Whoa! An actual attack involving a physical action? Cool!
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Hey, you! Didn't I just say that this one would be MY
FRAG? Huh?!
>M. Intsu: Arg! Youll pay for that!
Crow: Ten million dollars in punitive damages and another five million for
pain and suffering!
Joel: M. Intsu? Is that anything like M. Bison?
Tom: <M. Intsu> All who oppose me will be sticky!
>Morpher Intsu brings his trident crashing down towards Sailor Io's
>head. Sailor Europa holds her sickle out to catch it. Sailor Jupiters
>comes from behind and jams her elbow into his back.
Joel: Jupiters? When was she cloned?
Crow: Okay, I let "idly" go... but "jams" now? Hey author, could you use a
thesaurus?
>M. Intsu: Aaah!
>He slings his trident around, catching sailor Io and Europa.
>Sailor Io: Itai*...
>[Itai, Ouch/ow]
Tom: Oh goodie, the translator is back.
Joel: I'd give Tom's soul for a Babel fish about now...
Crow: <Harry Caray> I can't believe it! He caught 'em at the warning track,
stealing a home run away from Slammin' Sammy... Holy cow!
>S. Mimas: _My_ turn now!
Joel: <S. Mimas> Eight... nine... ten! Boardwalk with two hotels!? Aw, shoot!
Tom: <Sailor Io> RENT! Hahaha!
>Sailor Mimas charges M. Intsu head on with her sword. M. Intsu makes a
>hole in his body where the sword should go in.
Crow: <M. Intsu> There! Now you can puncture my vital organs much more quickly!
>s. Mimas comes to a screeching halt befor she punctures S. Jupiter.
Joel: <S. Jupiter> Nice brakes! Do you also go by Sailor Midas?
Crow: It's the return of S. Jupiter! Now where's Godzilla to finish this off?
Tom: You know, reducing a character's first name to a letter actually helps
me care about them more when they're fighting for their lives!
>S. Mars: Does fire work on him?
>S. Phobos: You bet! Last time he got near it, he was scorched for a week
Tom: Uh, didn't Mimas say earlier only hand-to-hand combat could hurt him?
Joel: <S. Mars> Ooh, how about some Cajun pan-blackened Intsu? I have
some new recipes!
Crow: <S. Moon> And exactly WHEN were you planning to share that fact with
the rest of us?
>S. phobos swings her axe at M. Intsu.
Tom: <S. Phobos> HERE'S... JOHNNY!!!
Crow: <S. Phobos> You know, I never wanted to be a sailor senshi... I always
wanted... TO BE A LUMBERJACK!
Joel: She's going to chop chop chop her way to firmer hips and thighs!
>Sailor Mars: Alright then! Burning Mandala!
><<< Sailor Mars's Burning Mandala attack. >>>
>M. Intsu falls to his knees and becomes a large glob of gook again.
Crow: Huh... so, ah... ten Sailor Senshi were needed to deal with *this*?
Tom: <Mamoru, peeking from behind a table> Is it g-gone?
Joel: <Author> Don't worry though, we have... uhh, we have...
[whispers off-screen] Hey, is our next enemy done cooling yet?
>Morpher Intsu: You'll pay for that! You haven't seen the last of Morph
>Intsu!
>No way!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> A little magic baking powder and I'll be kicking
ass again in no time!
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> I've signed on for thirty six more episodes! You've
only BEGUN to see me return! Mwahahaha!
>Sailor Triton digs her spear into the ground where M. Intsu's face
>should be.
>He recoils.
Crow: <M. Intsu> Ouch! Ooh! Not the pointy thing! That's not fair! Ow!
Joel: <Sailor Triton> Maybe if I keep picking at him, he'll never heal!
Tom: So all our evildoer was capable of was eliciting a groan of Japanese from
one of his TEN opponents?
Joel: Finally, a villain Murray the Skull can feel superior to!
>S. Triton: Just get one thing straight, you overgrown muddy puddle, you
>will not defeat the Io team, or the rest of the Senshi. Got that?
Crow: <M. Intsu> Oh yeah! Well, mess with me and I'll... I'll... I'll get
your shoes REALLY DIRTY! Yeah! That'll learn ya!
Tom: And he instantly forms himself into a mud pie and throws himself at
Triton's face. Hilarity ensues.
>M. Intsu: Believe me, I will get what I want.
>M. Intsu melts into the ground.
Joel: Well, at least he didn't scream 'Ohh, what a world, what a world....'
Tom: <M. Intsu> I shall... POLLUTE TOKYO'S IMPECCABLY CLEAN GROUND!!
Crow: Wow, he's a bit late for that one.
>Sailor Venus: Now, will you guys mind telling us what that was about,
>and what in the world is the Io team?
Crow: <Sailor Mimas> We're repo women! Get it, "I O"? Hahaha!!
Tom: <Sailor Io> Sorry, no time for that! We've got to go home and get
some sleep! Bye-bye!
>Sailor Io: We'll answer the second question first. I am the captain of the Io
>team, a group of Sailor Senshi, named the moon senshi because of what we >rep-
>resent, the many moons of the solar system.
Tom: So, the logical conclusion is that every little piece of space-junk is
going
to get a Senshi?
Joel: I am Sailor Hubble!
Crow: I am Sailor Sputnik! In the name of Mother Russia, I vill right
wrongs and triumph over the evil American pig-dog capitalists!
>Sailor Phobos: Hai. The Io team is just a part of a larger group called the
>United Moons, a small off-shoot of the Moon Kingdom.
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Hey, I remember them! Those damned rebel
separatists! PREPARE TO BE FRIED!!
>Sailor Europa: Right. The other teams are Miranda and Charon teams.
>When they work together, we can normally fight 10 morphers and win over all
>of them
Joel: If they're all as easy as Instu, I'm not surprised!
Crow: Light a match... and then, Ooopa!
Tom: <Sailor Io> The Miranda team routinely brings the kerosene... and the
Charon teams bring the charcoal. Then we just get a cookout going!
>Sailor Jupiter: Wow. That sounds like your kingdom is powerful.
Joel: <Sailor Europa> You'd think so, wouldn't you? Actually, we're a
disorganized mess most of the time and we lost five other senshi in the
last week alone....
Crow: The rotating door policy....
>Sailor Moon sits there, thinking.
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Boy, I sure could go for some comics about now....
Crow: <Sailor Mars> Hey, Sailor Rodin! Either shake your jello on that
table or start looking for another job!
>S. Moon: Hey! I think I remember Mom saying something about the United
>Moons, and the Moon Senshi. She said they were ones we could trust, should
>we need help.
Tom: Mrs. Tsukino related these stories to Sailor Moon? What is this? Does
this mean that Haruna-sensei teaches the history of the Moon Kingdom in class
as well?
Joel: Don't be silly. She's busy training the Sailor Star Lights with Motoki
and Umino.
>S. Mimas: We used to know your mother. She helped us organize or forces
>on Charon so no one would suspect where we are, leaving us with a good
>stronghold
Tom: ...but no atmosphere.
Joel: <S. Mimas> Either those curtains go or we do!
>S. triton: But now, Morpher Intsu has the location of out base. We
>don't stand a chance against our enimies now.
Tom: <S. triton> Hell, we can't even spel correctly! How can we possibly
defeet our enemees without propir spelling?!?
Crow: How DID he find that out anyway?
Joel: Did they just pose as Chinese take-out delivery persons? Or did they
break into the solar system's mail and see the return addresses?
>We were hoping to get help from the inner senshi, but we didn't know
>who they were. All we knew was that they were in Tokyo.
Crow: So, by pure chance, they found the five people out of twenty-two
million that were the Inner Senshi. Yeah, that works.
Tom: <Sailor Io> We were planning on robbing banks and savagely beating the
elderly till we got your attention... but I think things worked out better this
way,
don't you?
>Sailor Moon: Well, you can count on us to help you! especially since
>you once helped us.
Joel: <Sailor Mars> Sure, I was the one that actually finished it off, but your
tip,
late as it was, certainly saved us... though it's possible I would have used a
fire
attack and discovered his weakness regardless... but what the hey, thanks
anyway!
>S. Io: Thank you, Princess. We are forever in your debt
Crow: <Sailor Moon> Heh, wait till you get our bill.
>Each Moon Senshi replaces their gem and return to normal along with
>the rest of the Senshi.
Crow: Sweatier and wiser than before.
Tom: So without the second name, are we referring to them as just letters now?
Crow: Well, if Luna allows it, they will simply be known as "sh".
>Usagi: If energy attacks don't work on that Intsu glob, I won't be
>much of a help.
>Shoko: Shira, maybe you should handle this?
Tom: <Shira> OK, here goes... Usagi, you're completely useless to us! Now
run away in tears and never darken our towels again!
>Shira: Sure! I can have Boni convert your wand into a better weapon
>against him.
>Boni: Usagi, May I see your wand?
>Usagi gets out her wand.
Joel: <Usagi> Here you go. I find it works best when you wave it over an
empty top hat and yell 'Abra Cadabra!' or 'A-la Peanutbuttersandwiches!'
>Usagi: Sure, just don't lose it. I don't have a spare.
>Boni: DOn't worry, I'd never lose something like that.
Crow: <Boni> I'll just sneak it up my...
Joel: Crow!
Crow: <Boni> ...sleeve.
>Boni smiles like: ^_^
Crow: I grimace like ~_~;
Tom: I roll my eyes like 9_9
Joel: How can you guys say that with such an alpha-numeric face?
>She takes the wand and her transformation jewel out.
>The gem glows and the wand is sucked in with the sand in an hourglass
>effect.
Crow: <John Candy> Nice dissolve.
Tom: Not to be confused with the planet in a black hole effect.
Joel: Or any food in front of Rosie O'Donnell effect.
>Boni: Gem Process Action.
>The granite jewel glows.
Crow: Still haven't explained the granite jewel thing....
Joel: Yeah, it'd work much better to be quartz or feldspar...
>Boni's Jewel: Converting energy, Phobos. Please wait... Estimating
>time for a complete process...
>Boni taps her foot.
Tom: <Boni> I got the music inside me....
Joel: <Usagi> Sorry about that, it takes a while to defrag the moon wand.
>Boni: I really eed to upgrade that thingy...
Crow: <Boni> It doesn't crash half as much as it should!
>Boni's Jewel: Aproxomate conversion time: 10 days minimum.
>Shira: Nani*? Can't you speed it up?
>[Nani, what]
Joel: <Shira> Give it the gas!
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> Damn it, senshi! I'm a jewel, not a Ferrari!
>Boni's Jewel: No. If you wish a proper conversion, I must have 10
>days. Live with it.
Tom: Oooh, looks like something's copped an attitude.
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> It needs to be baptized and indoctrinated. That
takes TIME.
>Shira: Hey! YOu really need to be replaced, you overgrown granite chip!
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> Do I have to expound on the premise of length? Will you
finally figure out how idiotic you are and give up? It'd make life easier for
all involved.
Tom: Does this mean that the fic is now "rock stupid"?
>Boni: Oi, oi, oi*! Stop it! Gem, just convert, Shira, don't bug my gem, 'kay?
>[oi, hey]
Tom: <singing> Oi oi oi... kore de Fatto Arubaato!
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> You can't possibly replace me, I've got more acting
range than the ten of you combined.
Joel: Sailor Senshi and their transformation jewels! Next on "Divorce Court"!
>Gem: Converting.
>Boni puts the gem back in her pocket.
Crow: <Boni's Jewel> Oooh, I can convert MUCH better in here! I can
even see God! Woo-hoo!
Joel: <Boni> That's it! The second you're done, it's the pawn shop for you!
>Usagi looks around.
>Usagi: Hey, where'd Mamoru go?
>Ami shrugs.
>Ami: He just ran off with Chibi-Usa.
Joel: And that gets the award for "worst mental image".
Crow: Oh NO... It's Virgin Warrior Sailor Moon revisited! AHHHHHHH!!!
Tom: I'm still waiting for our next Japanese lesson. Gotta practice... oi oi
oi oi oi oi oi... itai itai itai itai... gomen gomen gomen gomen...
>Makoto: That's not like him. Sure he tries to avoid you, but he
>wouldn't just run off when you're in trouble.
Crow: <Ami> Mamoru's trying to avoid me? This is news?
Joel: <Minako> He said something about visiting the florist and grabbing
his guitar... wonder if he's a hippie?
Crow: <Yuuichiro> All right! Welcome to the club, man!
>Toni looks over to Mani.
>Toni: you're the one with the sight, why don't you shed some light on this?
Crow: <Mani> You're the one with the taste, why don't you BITE ME?
Joel: So the other senshi are blind then?
Tom: <Cab Calloway> And now ladies and gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure
of the management to present to you, the evening's star attraction. Here they
are, back after their exclusive three year tour of Pluto, Uranus and the sub
cosmos. Won't you welcome from the United Moon Kingdom, the show band of
Team 'Illinois' Io and Europa... The Blues Senshi!
>Mani: I don't think that was him. Remember when he turned off because
>he said he needed to get something?
>Ami: Yes...
Tom: No... when did THIS happen?
Crow: Dammit, who turned the Mamoru off? We lost all the information!
>Mani: I don't think that was him that came back. I didn't see Tuxedo Kamen
>when I tried to look at him again. Instead, I saw a ball mask, implying some-
>one from the Morpher's Underground.
Tom: Actually, a ball mask implies "Major League Catcher". Number 8,
don'tcha know... also known as "Today".
Crow: <Abbott> Who's the catcher?
Joel: <Costello> Today.
Crow: <Abbott> Yeah, today!
Joel: <Costello> Exactly.
>Minako: Why didn't you tell us?
>Mani: I didn't know you could be trusted. At the time, I was too
>worried to try to look at you or any of the others and find out if you
>could be trusted.
Joel: <Mani> Plus I've been told I have a bit of a staring problem....
Tom: Shouldn't Usagi worry about whether or not *THESE PEOPLE*
should be trusted?
Crow: <Usagi> But they're dressed like us! How could they NOT be
sailor senshi?
>Usagi: Well, later is better than never, I guess....
>Rei: In you're case, be glad that saying is in effect most places...
>Usagi: Hey!
Joel: Rei became known for the lengths she'd go to insult Usagi.
Crow: <Rei> You know, your name means "rabbit" in Japanese, but
you're the complete opposite!!
Tom: <Usagi> Ooh, zinged me again... heh... you can stop now....
Crow: <Rei> And you have yellow hair. Yellow usually means caution,
but you never exercise it!
Tom: <Usagi> Shut up! Stop it! Ami, make her stop! Wahhhhhhh!!!
>ami: Stop fighting you two. This may be very serious!
Crow: You're faced with a group of villains that can be defeated by a flick of
your Bic lighter, and this is *serious*?
>Shira: Ami's right. I believe this _is_ very serious.
>Mani nods.
Joel: <Mani> I fully endorse the idea of seriousness and the premise that this
must not be taken lightly!
Tom: <Shira> INDEED!
>Mani: My guess is that he is a morpher, above Intsu's rank.
>Shoko: Hmm... That could mean big trouble.
>Toni: One morpher's enough, but two? This is terrible.
Joel: <Boni> Why... we might have to use Rei's attack... TWICE!
Tom: Hell, there's TEN of you! Just arm yourself with a book of matches
from the local Seven-Eleven!
>Rei: So you're saying Mamoru was captured, then replaced by a glob of
>gooey gook, like the one we just faught, right?
>Shira: I guess you could put it that way...
Crow: <Tuxedo Kamen> *clatter* Transforming from goo is an unforgivable
offense, as is defacing the floor of a sacred temple! Senshi, take heart, you
can defeat this monster!
Tom: <Makoto> Oh, ABOUT TIME you showed up! Enjoy your run, Tux-Boy?
>Usagi: Waaaah! Tuxedo Kamen has been replaced with a muddy puddle!
>Waaaah
Joel: <Usagi> Now, I'll be reduced to Makoto's level, pining over lost
boyfriends!
Tom: <Makoto> Hey!
Joel: <Usagi> Oh wait, I can just go back to chasing Motoki! How could I
forget?
>Rei: Maybe you'll have better luck with the mud puddle than you have
>had with the real Mamoru.
>Usagi: Hey! I happened to have good luck with him, most of the time
>at least..
Crow: <Usagi> Then again, he has been rather hesitant about me going down
on him lately....
Tom: <Usagi> Until he started reading that "Cream Lemon" manga... from
there, it was a short step to long lonely nights of him reading "Urotsukidoji"
and
me generally cold and afraid...
Joel: Cheese it, spinach heads.
>Shoko: What luck you'll have with the fake Mamoru is the least of our
>problems.
Tom: <Usagi> Not to mention it's none of your business, Sailor Nosy!
>Normally, if two morphers are in place, more will probably come.
Joel: <whispering> IF YOU MORPH THEM, THEY WILL COME....
Crow: Through a weird and magical process known as... casual sex.
Tom: Wait up here, shouldn't all the morphers be busy going to Charon
to take out the main base anyway?
Crow: Yeah, why fight all the defense when it's on a planet more than
200 AUs away from your frigging target?!
>Mani: I doubt more are coming, Shoko. I think these two are just
>scouting out the people they need to get out of the way. They've already got
>Mamoru.
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> With Tux-Boy out of the way, the universe is ours!
Tom: What makes him so dang important anyway?
Joel: The Morphers must be firm believers in the domino theory.
Tom: The same theory that said that if Vietnam fell to the Communists, the
world will follow?
Joel: Natch.
>Minako: Okay. they're here to get us out of the way and they've
>already got Mamoru. That means only the Sailor Senshi is left to fight.
Tom: ...for their right to party!
Crow: How in HELL did these morphers capture Mamoru? He's still hiding
from the fight! Look under the Great Fire! Look in Rei's grandfather's panty
collection! Check Yuuichiro's room! He's in the Hikawa shrine somewhere!
>Makoto: That's going to be tough. Those morphers are hard nuts to beat.
>Usagi: We may as well try our best. Then we can get Mamoru back.
Tom: <Makoto> And if we get lazy, eh, no big loss.
>Luna pads in followed by Artemis.
>Luna: We just saw the worst... (gets cut off.)
Tom: <Luna> ...movie in a long time! Some festering piece of crap called
'Vertical Limit'! Dear god, talk about a turd!
Joel: Don't give the Mads any ideas, Tom.
>every human in unison: ...glob of gook you've ever seen, right?
>Luna: How'd you know?
>Ami: We just faught it.
Joel: <Ami> We aught to farmulate a caurse af actian.
Crow: <Rei> Um, are you okay, Ami?
Joel: <Ami> Dan't mind me, I just came back fram the dentist and he
numbed my jaw...
>Luna: Are you sure it was the same one?
>Minako: It probably was the one we faught, but there's no telling since two of
>them are running around.
Joel: And they're distinguishable how?
Tom: One of them uses contractions? How the hell should I know?!?
Crow: Luna must be outsourcing the "jumping to conclusions" function
she usually performs to the rest of the senshi.
>Luna: There are two? Are they dangerous?
>Makoto points to the place that they faught the morpher. it appears
>that a great struggle happened there.
Crow: But we, the readers, know better.
Tom: <Luna> I can tell from these footprints and markings that a lot of
shouting took place....
Joel: <Rei> But all we wanted to do was dance!
>Makoto: Does that answer your question?
>Luna: I guess so...
Tom: <Luna> And you say that the plot fell into this hole in the floor?
>Shira looks over at Luna.
>Shira: Luna! I haven't seen you since Queen Serenity helped us with our base
>on Charon!
>Luna: Shira? What are you doing here?
Joel: <Shira> I'm getting the band back together!
Crow: <Luna> Mission from God?
Joel: <Shira> No, gig at the Tokyo Dome!
>Shira: They found our base. We came here to look for the inner
>Senshi, but we weren't sure who they were.
Crow: <Luna> Well, why didn't you simply ask us?
Joel: <Shira> We weren't sure you were who you are either.
Tom: Y'know, I actually miss our Japanese lessons now.
>Shoko: Right. I brought the Io team here to seek out somebody who
>could help us. The Miranda and Charon teams high-tailed it to the
>remains of the castle on the moon before they got caught. The
>Underground's still clueless about where they are, but unless we can do
>something, they won't be for long.
Joel: Shouldn't the underground be UNDERGROUND?
Tom: <Shoko> Damn that French Resistance! Deja Vu and Chocolate
Mousse never did tell us anything!
>Artemis: That's terrible. Do you know where the underground army is now?
>May-
>be we can get to them before they get to the rest of the Moon Senshi.
>Mani: They must be close, because of the ones here.
Crow: Maybe they should have named this 'The Vague Saga'?
Tom: <Usagi> The REST of the Moon Senshi? You guys stashed clones of me?!
Crow: <Artemis> Well, yeah. We got 'em cut-rate from Gendo Ikari.
>Usagi: Maybe they just sent those to scout out who the need to get rid
>of here and to find the other teams?
>Toni: you may have something there...
Joel: <Usagi> A solid working theory?
Tom: <Toni> No, a cold. I suggest plenty of bedrest and fluids.
Crow: <Toni> You have an interrogative series of words meant to induce
contemplation and response. And you're full of crap.
>Rei: Are you feeling okay, Usagi? I've never heard that good of an
>idea from you.
>Usagi: Rei!
Crow: <Usagi> Shhh! You're embarrassing me in front of the unior-jay
enshi-say! Ix-nay!
Tom: <Rei> Et-gay Ent-bay!
Joel: <Boni> Hey! How'd you guys know the ancient language?!
>Ami: I agree with Toni. Usagi may actually have something there. I
>know that would be the tactic I would use if I were in their position.
Tom: Ami Mizuno, well-versed in the military conflicts and intelligence of
the twentieth century...
>Artemis: I agree too. That would be an easier way to do something like that.
Crow: <Luna> Ar-te-MIS! Ex-cuuuuuze me?
Joel: <Artemis> Oh, uhh.... good idea that you implanted in Usagi's mind, Luna!
>Cut to:
>4. Int. Castle. Day.
Joel: Usagi orders ten sliders to go with five sides of fries.
Tom: <Usagi> I'm not big on squares though... you got any trapezoid burgers?
>Morpher Intsu: Morph Intsu reporting in, sir! I have located the Io team.
>They are with the inner Sailor Senshi, and the Moon Princess.
Crow: <leader> So? Are we done here? OK, time to go after Charon!
Board the spaceships!
>a female voice: Good work. I have been able to capture someone who
>aids the Sailor Senshi.
>M. Intsu: The High Underground Order will be glad to hear of that,
>Morpher Inma.
Tom: <M. Intsu> As will the Oxymoron Pleonasm Order, I'm sure!
Joel: <M. Intsu> By the way, sir, what exactly are we doing with that Mamoru guy
anyway? I heard the senshi say for a good half an hour that we had him....
Crow: <Morpher Inma> Mamoru? We didn't kidnap anyone named Mamoru!
>M. Inma: Do you think I do not know that?
>Morpher Intsu: Of course not! WHat do you take me for, an incompitent?
>Morpher Inma: On occasion...
>M. Intsu rolls his eyes.
Joel: Hey! How'd we get an insider's look at a Stonemason's meeting anyway?
Tom: <Morpher Intsu, singing> Who controls the British crown? Who keeps
the sailor senshi down?
All: <Morphers, singing> WE DO! WE DO!
>Morpher Inma: Anyway, I have recieved orders from the High Underground
>Order to summon some of the local allies of the underground.
>M. Intsu: Okay, but who around here are our allies?
Joel: <Morpher Inma> Duh, I dunno. Ask around, see who's available, I guess.
Crow: Local allies... the worms, moles, and badgers of Japan.
Tom: <Raul> Badgers?!? BADGERS?!? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING
BADGERS!!!
>M. Inma: Baka*! There are many allies around here, such as the
>remenants of the many youma Sailor Moon has managed to defeat.
>We just have to find them and revive their powers along with their bodies.
Joel: <M. Intsu> Oh great, I get stuck with the graveyard shift again.
Tom: <M. Inma> We shall contact... Dr. von Frahnkenshteen!
>[baka, idiot/fool/stupid]
Crow: All these words and more can't begin to describe this plot.
Joel: Hey! Notebooks out, there'll be a quiz at the end of the fic!
Crow: Thanks, I'll take the zero.
>Morpher Intsu: Oh, right. We can always rely on old youma. I brought
>some tools to inhance or even alter their powers as needed.
>Morpher Inma: Good, Morpher Intsu. You will surely rise in rank for this.
Tom: <Morpher Inma> Perhaps even to the title of International Assistant
Director of Personnel!
Crow: <Morpher Carrey> Hey, that's my job, dammit!
>cut to:
>5. room surrounded by mirrors. day.
Crow: Huh, when'd we get to the Silky Doll?
Joel: <Sailor Moon> Hey, check out these kooky mirrors! I'm ten feet tall!
>Ruebeus: I sense something in Tokyo. Petz.
>Petz emerges from a mirror.
>Petz: Yes? What do you need of me?
Crow: <Ruebeus> Could you shed a little and pee on my shoe?
Tom: <Petz> Way ahead of you, boss.
>Ruebeus: Petz, I need you to go and look for something, possibly someone
>from even farther in the future than the one we are trying to capture.
Joel: Duck Dodgers in the twenty fourth and a half century?
>Petz: Sure thing!
>Petz walks back into a mirror.
Tom: <Petz> Oof!
Joel: <Ruebeus> Wait! Don't you want to know what you're looking for?
Crow: <Petz> Nah, I'll figure it out eventually.
>6. Ext. Charm shop. midafternoon.
Tom: They sell charisma and wit. Oh yeah and bracelets. Lots of bracelets.
Crow: <Anthony Hopkins> Stand up straight... CHARRRRRRM....
>Petz, disguised as a human, is looking around, not watching where she
>is going.
Tom: Yes, the PERFECT way to navigate the busy Tokyo streets.
Joel: Suddenly, he dashes across the highway!
Tom: HONK! HONK! SCREEEEEEEEECH! *thump*
Crow: The moral? Always keep your petz on a short leash.
>Morpher Intsu, also in human form, is looking around, not watching
>where he was going. They bump into each other.
Joel: A short but bitter love affair ensued.
>Petz: Watch it!
>M. Intsu: You watch it!
Tom: And the XFL loses two more viewers.
>This soon breaks out into a total argument about who had the right of way,
>including everyone who overheard. this lasts for about 2 minutes.
Joel: <Petz> You were clearly tacking into the wind and I was to your starboard
side, which means that I had the right of way!
Crow: <Intsu> But you were crossing the sidewalk in a westerly direction,
AGAINST the wind I might add, and therefore you must yield to oncoming
walkers!
Tom: No fault insurance. Sucks, don't it?
><<< Typical Sailor Moon ending, theme and all. >>>
Crow: Wha? That's it? Oh brother, what the hell did we just read?
Joel: Yeah, what was the deal with that last segment anyway? Yet another
pointless installment of "Sailor Says"?
Tom: <Usagi> And if you're walking down the street not caring about who might
be in front of you, you might end up in a horribly cliched situation involving
irony! Remember, this has been Sailor Says!
Crow: Don't forget the bimbo giggle!
>Keep your eyes
>open and on the
>screen for part
>two of the Io
>Saga, "Moon King-
>dom Rebuilt"
Tom: Frankly, I'd rather keep my eye on the piece of burned popcorn
embedded in the gum stuck to the theater floor.
Crow: <Casey Kasem> And remember, keep your feet on the ground and keep
reaching for the next plot point. Let's get out of here, Joel... Joel? JOEL!
Joel: <startled> Huh? Oh, sorry guys. Just give me another minute, I'm still
trying to figure out the fic in my mind....
Crow: Aw heck, Joel, we can do that for ya! Start us off, Tom!
Tom: Ooh, lessee... with no preparation whatsoever, the whole of Team Io
found every last Inner Senshi...
Crow: Mamoru ran away, but was kidnapped three paragraphs later...
Tom: Chibi-Usa was never really around anyway, and for all we know was still
eating ice-cream in the HOT DAY that was the first plot point, long since
abandoned...
Crow: A sorry excuse for a glob of goo was beaten by an attack in five
seconds after ten minutes of shouting.
Tom: Just because five more girls showed up, the Inner Senshi were convinced
to follow their lead and massacre for what we know could be a completely
innocent life-force...
Crow: The Outer Senshi were totally snubbed and Luna and Artemis wandered
on set because they ran out of Tender Vittles in the green room...
Tom: And finally, two morphs got in a traffic accident, putting an end to this
fifty car pile up of a fanfic.
Crow: Hey now! Let us not forgot the condescending Japanese lessons.
Tom: True... Not to mention lack of spellchecking, despite decent if
occasionally repetitive grammar. Whew! So, how's that for an analysis, Joel?
Crow: Yeah, give us a grade! Or better yet, a ramchip!
Joel: <chuckling> OK, I guess you both earned one after all that.
Crow: Yippee! <singing> Ramchips, ramchips, here we come!
(Crow stands up and flees as Joel picks up Tom and follows him out of the
theater)
* * *
DEEP 13
The music of Kon Kan's 'Harry Houdini' filled Frank's room as
Frank tinkered with his homemade chemistry set on his bed. A jawbreaker,
looking the worse for wear, rested in a petri dish in front of him, having been
mutated from the various chemicals Frank was subjecting it to.
Frank sighed with disappointment as he gingerly removed the jawbreaker
from the dish with a pair of industrial strength tweezers. Then, with a quick
flick
of the wrist, he tossed it into a nearby waste basket, which was already
overflowing with similarly deformed jawbreakers.
"Shoot! I really thought I had it that time!" Frank exclaimed as he checked
his pockets and pulled out another jawbreaker. "Oh well, if you don't succeed
the seven-thousandth, two hundred and eighty-first time, try try again!" he
said
to himself as he wiped the petri dish clean and placed the newest jawbreaker in
the middle.
Unbeknownst to Frank, however, the latest of his failed jawbreakers
had begun glowing as it melted onto the others in the wastebasket, producing a
chemical reaction Frank hadn't anticipated.
Suddenly the other jawbreakers in the basket began glowing and merging
with each other. The sick sounds of squishing candies failed to reach Frank's
ears as he was focused on his task. The waste basket began to vibrate slightly
and then violently as it moved like an off-balance washing machine towards the
door and outside into the hallway.
It wasn't long before it had made it's way towards the laboratory. It bounced
off various objects before it made a beeline towards the machine that fed the
experiments to Joel and the bots. A moment later, a piece of paper that
contained the last page of part 2 of the 'Io Saga' was spat out of the machine
as it was no longer needed and came to rest on the edge of the console with
the other pages of part 2.
As the wastebasket bounced off the console, the papers tumbled off the
console and some of them managed to land in the wastebasket. The results
were catastrophic as the gooey mass absorbed the papers and suddenly it
rose from the wastebasket, shaped like a huge gummy worm and flopped
around before two more appendages shot out from it's sides.
Finally, another, more round appendage, burst forth from its top, the
bottom of this appendage appeared to be caving in before it revealed itself to
be a mouth as it emitted a bone chilling scream of pain.
* * *
"EUREKA!! I'VE DONE IT!" Frank exclaimed as he held up a
bright red jawbreaker to the light. "Wait till Dr. F sees what I've done!" he
exclaimed proudly.
"YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?" a
familiar voice screamed.
Frank couldn't contain his excitement as he hopped off his bed and
rushed out into the hallway. "It's my new invention, Steve! I call it the...
OOF!"
Frank was unable to finish as he was barreled over by a freaked Dr. Forrester,
who didn't even stop to yell at him before resuming fleeing for his life. Frank
could only blink in surprise as he lay on the floor and then as a large shadow
fell over him, he raised his head and his eyes widened.
"MOOOOOTHEEERRRR...." the gooey creature moaned as it continued
to mutate into a somewhat humanoid form. "MOOOOTHEEEERRR...." it
moaned again, obviously in pain.
"Uh... h-have we met?" Frank inquired nervously.
"YOU CAN'T DO SQUAAAAT TO STOP MEEEE... I WILL GET
WHAT I WANNNNT...." the creature replied, sounding more human by the
moment.
"W-who are you?"
"I'M BATMA... NO, WAIT... I'M... I'm Morpher Intsu!" The
creature proclaimed in a normal voice as its mutation finally ceased.
"Intsu... hey, you're from the experiment! How did you get here?"
"You created me, I am yours to serve." Morpher Intsu replied as he
knelt on one knee.
"Really? Cool!" Frank was elated. "Finally, someone *I* can boss
around and subject to cruel and unusual punishment!"
"Excuse me?"
"Uh, nothing! Nothing! Say, uh, wanna come to my room and play?"
Frank asked.
"Play? But what of our plans to destroy the Moon Kingdom on Charon?
Shouldn't I be recruiting youma to build our invincible armies?"
"Uhh, maybe after supper! Right now, I want to play, okay?"
"There's no time! Every second wasted is a chance for the Moon
Kingdom to recover!" Intsu insisted.
"Look, Sid 6.7, maybe you're not hearing me... I'm Captain Crunch
and you're my personal Soggie! I created your gooey butt and I say I want to
play! Toot sweet!" Frank retorted angrily.
"I refuse."
"Aw, you're no fun at all!" Frank pouted as Dr. Forrester suddenly reemerged
from behind him, his face a mask of anger. "So, YOU'RE the one that created
this monstrosity! How many time have I told you to THROW AWAY that damn
chemistry set!" he snapped.
"Sorry, Sarge." Frank replied with his head bowed.
"Oh, quit your moping, Frank! Just get rid of it!" Dr. Forrester snapped
as he stormed past Morpher Intsu into his room.
"Uh, I'm not sure how... Oh!" Frank suddenly reached down and picked
up his jawbreaker from the floor. "Hey, want some candy?" Frank offered.
"My mother told me never to take candy from strangers." Morpher Intsu
replied.
"But, I am your mother." Frank pointed out.
"Oh... in that case, sure!" Morpher Intsu replied as Frank tossed the
jawbreaker up into the air and Intsu caught it in his mouth. As he began to
suck
it, Intsu frowned at the taste, then he suddenly found himself clutching his
throat
as his entire body seemed to be on fire.
"Wha... what have you done to me?!?" Intsu croaked.
"Sorry about this... I just gave you the prototype of my latest invention...
a jawbreaker sized Red Hot."
"YOU TRICKED ME! ARG!" Intsu gasped as he fell to his knees.
"Hey, it's for the best. Besides, 'Io Saga' isn't over yet, maybe you'll
still defeat the senshi!" Frank pointed out as he knelt beside his creation.
"YOU... REALLY THINK SO?" Intsu croaked as he became a large
glob of gook again.
"Sure, anything's possible." Frank replied cheerfully, giving him a
squishy pat on the back.
"IN THAT CASE... YOU HAVEN'T... SEEN... THE LAST OF...
MEEEEEE..." Intsu gurgled as he disappeared into the floor. Frank then
slowly rose to his feet, lost in thought.
"You know, I think I'll name my new jawbreaker after him... 'Intsu
Red Hots'... It doesn't get any hotter than this. Yeah, that's a cool slogan!"
Frank mused as he walked back to his room.
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE IO SAGA' PT. 3....
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other mutiple part
MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come, so don't skip it or you'll
only be missing out on some great riffs and skits. ;)