[MSTed] 'The Io Saga' Pt. 3 of 4 [SM] [PG]
Megane 6.7
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 30: THE IO SAGA PT. 3
(A Sailor Moon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"The Io Saga" is the property of Sarah J. Gates and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
* * *
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>Sailor Moon: Io Saga
>Chapter 2: Moon Kingdom Rebuilt
<The theme from Star Wars is abruptly pumped into the theater>
Joel: After the defeat of its
most inept agent, Morpher Intsu, the
High Underground Order have decided
to regroup and recruit more minions
throughout the underground.
Tom: The world of Charon will feel the
gooey hand of Morpher Inma
as she attempts to crush the
United Moon Kingdom.
Crow: As the slippery grip of the Morphers
tightens, Sailor Io and the ever
growing band of sailor senshi
search for a more secure base of
operations ...
Joel: Star Wars II Spoiler:
Jar-Jar dies
Bots: Amen.
>By: Sarah J. Gates
Crow: Well, it could always be Sarah J. Geils...
Joel: My memory's just been sold, my angel is the centerfold...
Tom: You're blood's running cold, eh?
>1. Ext. Ruins of Serenity keep. Night.
All: <singing> They paved paradise and put up a parking lot... Shoo-bop-
bop-bop-bop, shoo-bop-bop-bop....
>Sailor Charon: Hmm... This place could be cleaned up a
>bit. Other than that, I think it's the perfect place!
Crow: <Sailor Charon> I mean, look at all this dust and rocks!
Tom: Bring in the Belldandy Cleaning Service! Just five minutes,
and YOU can have a temple good as new too!
>Sailor Miranda: Hai! If we could get the fountains working again, it
>would be beautiful!
Joel: <Sailor Charon> Yeah and we could squirt people in the hall again!
Crow: <Sailor Miranda> In the name of the moon, you have the
right to remain silent! Anything you say while we right wrongs and
triumph over evil, can and will be used against you in a court of law!
>Sailor Pheobe: We at least owe Queen Serenity a total redecoration of
>the keep
Tom: Gee, with all those moons, the author was bound to spell ONE
of them wrong...
Joel: Sailor Pheobe? Isn't she married to Calvin Klein?
Crow: <Sailor Phoebe> Want me to sing "Smelly Cat" while you guys
do all the work?
>Sailor Metis: Yeah. She deserves it. Anyway, lets get started!
Tom: <Sailor Metis> I'll get the plaster! And Miranda, DON'T eat the
paint chips this time around!
>Sailor Metis pulls out her amethyst as it glows.
Crow: <Sailor Metis> OWW! This thing is HOT!
Joel: <Sailor Metis> So THIS is what was burning a hole in my pocket!
And mom always told me it was the money!
>Suddenly an illusory overlay covers the ruins.
Crow: <ominous> The clouded mind sees nothing.
Joel: <Alec Baldwin a la The Shadow> They can't see it! None of them
can see it! But *I* see it!
>Sailor Metis: So, whatcha think?
>Sailor Calypso: Sailor Calypso like! Sailor calypso like!
Joel: <Sailor Calypso> I used to have Shampoo's role, but then they fired me
'cause I put on weight and, well...
Tom: <Sailor Calypso> Realize it, mon! In da name of da moon, we be righin'
wrongs and triumphin' over evil! An' aftah dat, we be smokin' a fat one!
>Sailor Pheobe: It is quite fashionable. I'm sure it would be the way
>Queen Serenity would've rebuilt it.
Joel: <Sailor Phoebe> Not like our last two queens that rebuilt it out
of sticks and straw.
Tom: <Sailor Phoebe> Couple of throw pillows, a Persian rug, get rid of
this mass destruction motif....
Crow: <Sailor Phoebe> I'm sure she wanted it to turn out like the Winchester
house... doors that don't lead anywhere, and a basement with fifteen
secret passages...
>Sailor Calypso: Hai! Serenity-sama say to Sailor Calypso "Should
>something happen castle, rebuild like it was."
Tom: Serenity speaks with an exaggerated Jamaican accent and hits
the bong on the throne?
Crow: Guess that's what you get when you live on a moon that's smaller
than Jacksonville, Florida.
>Sailor Charon: I think it's perfect!
>Sailor calypso: Let's start rebuild! Maybe get done in a little while.
>Sailor Deimos: With what materials?
Joel: <Sailor Charon> The materials that we... Hey! Who are you?
Crow: <Author> Yes, gentle readers, before I'm done, I vow to have a
senshi named after every moon in the solar system!
Tom: Jedi Master Yoda *IS* Sailor Calypso!
Crow: Oh man! I don't wanna see HIS fuku!
>Sailor Charon: Since we don't have that many materials, we can just
>improvise. Sailor Charon picks up a piece of marble.
Joel: <Sailor Charon> Who's been messing with my shooter?!?
Crow: First there were granite gems, and now marble... yikes.
>Sailor charon: Gem Process Action.
Tom: Remember, kids... it's not the result that counts, it's the PROCESS.
><Sailor Charon> Transform this marble into a cat's eye!
>Gem: No energy to process. Please input procedure for process.
>S. Charon: Duplicate and extend. Make it like the way it was before Beryl.
Crow: Before Beryl what?
Joel: I call foul. Beryl is more of a gem than marble.
Tom: Thank you. Mr. Geologist.
>S. Charon's jewel: processing. Please wait 10 minutes.
Joel: <starts humming Muzak>
Crow: Uh, hello? There's no ENERGY here! What exactly are you
processing? Vacuum? Green cheese, perhaps?
>Each sailor starts to repeat this process with a piece of marble or rock.
>Soon the castle is mostly complete.
Joel: Soon? At ten minutes a rock?!?
Tom: Yes, it's Puzzle Bobble 6! Special Senshi Edition!
>Sailor Calypso: Now all need is water, but I take care of.
Crow: <Sailor Calypso> Now all need is four beers and good aim.
Joel: <Sailor Calypso> Ptooie! Ptooie! Don't worry, I spit stones good!
*Hawwwwwk* Ptooie!
>S. Calypso pulls out a canteen of water. She pours a drop on the gem.
>Sailor Calypso:
Tom: Oh, brother... if you're willing to type *Sailor*, why bother substituting
letters for names at all?
>Gem Process Action.
Joel: The poor author ran out of minerals...
Crow: Guess he'll have to settle for animals and vegetables.
>Gem: Extending and duplicating, Calypso. Please wait.......
Crow: This Gem sure has a limited vocabulary, don't you think?
Tom: Gee, just like Calypso.
Crow: Natch.
>2. Ext. Rei's temple. midafternoon.
Joel: Yay, no more carpentry classes!
Tom: Oh lovely... from one random group of senshi to another.
Crow: Thousands of Rei's followers had shown up to worship her
as Makoto and Usagi passed around the collection plate....
Joel: Hey, they don't call it the Church of Sailor Mars for nothing.
>Rei is chasing after Shira, while Shoko is looking for Boni, who is hiding
>behind a tree, trying to see Mani, who is right behind her.
Tom: And Pepe, who happens to be around, looks at George, who tries
to chew gum and look at Shira at the same time, but then Boni passes
and Rei...
Crow: Y'know, normally, when you play hide and go seek, only ONE
person is it....
>Rei: I'm gonna get you!
>Shira: Nyahnyahnyahnyahnyah! You can't catch me!
Joel: <Shira> I'm the gingerbread man!
Tom: Actually, she sounds more like a jackalope.
Crow: <Rei> Oh, so you're TAUNTING me now? Prepare to eat holy
retribution! BURNING MANDALA!!
>Rei catches up with Shira and tags her.
>Rei: Ha! You've gotta help me tag the other two.
>Shira: Okay.
Joel: <Rei> They're $9.99 apiece, don't forget.
Crow: <Rei> We need those senshi tagged before we send them back
out in the wild so we can track them to their secret breeding grounds.
Tom: Pardon me for asking but WHAT RELEVANCE HAS ANY OF
THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE STORY?!?!? *gasp* *wheeze*
Joel: Hang in there, Tommy. We survived the first chapter, we can
survive this....
>Shira sneaks up on Mani and tags her. She immediately jumps and tags
>Boni.
>Mani: Okay! Boni's it this time. Rmember, count to twenty, ask if everybody's
>ready, then try to tag us.
Crow: Heh... Well, it's good to know that Rei's life as a miko has not
impaired her "free time" any.
Tom: So the rest of the fic is Rei trying to recapture her recent childhood?
Joel: Hey, how many Sailor Moon fanfics actually have the senshi
acting their age?
>Boni: okay. (covers her eyes and faces the treee)
Joel: <singing> TREEEEE!!
Tom: If I were a treee, what kind of treee would I be?
Crow: I dunno. An Elllm?
>1.... 2.... 3....
Crow: ...little Indians.
Joel: I protest.
Crow: I care.
Joel: Time out?
Crow: My apologies.
Joel: That's better.
Crow: Bite me.
>4.... 5.... 6....
Tom: ...pick up sticks.
Joel: This is a test of the reader's patience.
Crow: More like a final exam.
>7.... 8.... 9.... 10....
Tom: The winner and still it, Boni!
Crow: <crowd noise>
Joel: Gee, I wonder what number he'll pick next? Boy, the suspense is
just killing me....
>11.... 12.... 13.... 14.... 15....
Crow: ...reasons I could give you why this scene isn't necessary.
Tom: <groaning> This scene's scrambling what's left of my neurons....
>16-17-18-19-20!
Joel: <Usagi> Wow, you can count up to twenty! You must be, like, uber clever!
Crow: Lord, if this goes to a hundred, I'm going to get a snack...
>Is everybody ready?
>(no answer)
Joel: <Boni> Oh well, better count again!
Tom: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Crow: This fic is on the verge of breaking down.
>I guess so. Here I come!
>Boni looks around. Shira quickly runs to hide behind one of the
>temple walls, giggling slightly.
Tom: <Boni> BAKUSAITENKETSU! Ha, ha! Found you!
>Mani sneaks behind Boni and goes behind the tree. Rei
>tries to sneak by, but she steps on a twig. Boni hears the
>snap and turns around to tag her. She manages to barely
>tap her.
Tom: <Boni> Here, wear this wire. We need you to get the goods on
the rest of the Senshi.
Crow: She must be hesitant to try a love tap just yet.
Joel: <Boni> Let's keep our tap platonic for now!
>Boni: Now you have to help me tag people.
>Rei nods and sneaks behind the wall Shira is hiding behind. she tags her.
Crow: *SLAP*
Joel: <Boni> Nice tag!
Tom: Rei's wearing her brand new XXVIII edition Air Jordans! For
when you want to be your inconspicuous best!
>Rei: Gotcha!
Crow: <Shira> No, not the paint pellets! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
>Just then, Mani sneaks to the other wall and hides behind it.
Joel: Moments later, Rei steps in the arena and breaks the wall down.
>Shira: Oh, well... I may as well go find Shoko..
>Shira sneaks around the temple, then looks inside. She turns her head from
>left to right.
Crow: <Shira> Hmm, no sign of Shoko but where'd all this traffic come from?
Joel: Past five lands of traffic, over an alligator- and log-infested pond... is
the altar!
>A figure runs past. Shira holds her hand out and catches it.
>As the figure slows down, we see it is Shoko.
>Shoko: You found me!
>Shira: Of course. After 10 years, I have studied, and learned by heart your
>hiding pattern in this game.
Tom: <Shira> And soon I'm going for the H&S Badge in Xenogears!
Crow: Well, we know who the 'Ami' of Team Io is now.
>Shoko: Naturally...
>Shira: Anyway, we still need to find Toni and Mani. You go this way (points
>to the left) and I'll go the other.
>Shoko nods.
Joel: <Shoko> Er, pardon my ignorance, oh mighty goddess of Hide and Seek,
but shouldn't we be preparing to defend our kingdom against the Morphers?
Crow: <Shira> Nah, we have time. Sets-chan owes me one.
>3. Int. Tsukino Household. Day.
Tom: <reporter> I'm standing inside the Tsukino's house where an hour ago,
Mr. Tsukino Kenji was placed under arrest for the attempted murder of his
daughter's boyfriend. The victim, Chiba Mamoru, apparently confessed to
engaging in intimate relations with Mr. Tsukino's teenaged daughter, despite
being several years her senior. Mr. Tsukino proceeded to challenge Mamoru
to a fight but was forced to shoot him in the back when Mamoru attempted to
flee before the fight could commence....
Crow: Heh!
>Chibi-Usa hears a knock on the door. She opens it and standing before her
>is Mamoru.
>Mamoru: Hello, Chibi-Usa. Is Usagi in?
>Chibi-Usa: (thought) Hmm... Something bothers me. Normally he wants to
>stay *away* from Usagi.
Crow: Looks like his hormones FINALLY kicked in!
Tom: <Mamoru> Hey, check it out. There ain't NO way I gonna let my 'ho go,
'cause if she do I'll pop a cap in yo' ass!
Joel: <Chibi-Usa> Oooookay... now I KNOW there's something wrong.
>(said) Uh, no. She went out to the mall to shop a bit, and try to find the
>newest Sailor V game.
Tom: Marvel Vs. Capcom Vs. SNK Vs. Sailor V!
Crow: The Crossover EVERYONE Told Us Not To Release!
Joel: <Dan Hibiki> YAHOO!
>Mamoru: oh. I guess I'd better go find her. (runs off)
Crow: Good to know ol' Tux-boy *never* breaks character!
Tom: Nothing outlasts the Kamen. He keeps running and running...
Joel: <Mamoru> Fear not, brave senshi, for I shall run away to
save myself but continue to offer support from a great distance!
>Chibi-Usa closes the door. Usagi walks down from upstairs.
>Usagi: Who was that?
>Chibi-Usa: Oh, nobody...
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> The pale, angry shade of one of Tokyo's great unwashed.
Mind loaning me that comic book?
>Usagi: Oh, okay.. (yawns) I think I'll go shopping later, with Rei and the
others.
>Chibi-Usa: Can I come? I don't get to go shopping that much on the weekends.
>Usagi: (thinks a moment) Alright, just don't cause trouble, 'kay?
Joel: <Chibi-Usa> Awwww, but I wanted to tear the place up!
>Chibi-Usa: I promise. I want to get some new clothes, and maybe a pair of
>earrings... Oh, and some shoes...
>Usagi: I get your point, Chibi-Usa.
Tom: <Usagi> We've already had one long pointless scene, let's not push
our luck, kay?
Joel: Shopping, heavy construction, hiding from friends... is there any
serious issue that this author REFUSES to take on?
>4. Int. Shopping Mall food court. Day.
Crow: <Usagi> *Gargg gargg gargg gargg*... hey Minako, are you going to
eat the rest of that? *Gargg gargg gargg gargg*...
Tom: <Chibi-Usa> When I said shopping, I didn't mean for junk food! I wanted
some jewelry!
Crow: <Usagi> Here shrimp, here's an onion ring. But don't wear it too long, I
might get hungry again!
>Sunlight shines in through the glass windows on the ceiling and right onto the
>table where Minako, Makoto, and Ami are sitting.
Joel: <Ami> Oh? We're on! Shall we do a number?
Crow: <Makoto> Eating silently/ Usagi chewing loudly/ Fast food makes you
fat. A haiku.
>There are three cups half-empty, three hamberger wrappers, one empty
>(the one in front of Makoto), and the rest have almost eaten burgers.
Tom: All sacrificed to the chomping wonder that is Sailor Moon.
>Makoto is resting her head on her hand while leaning on her elbow which
>is on the table.
Crow: Makoto is also a contortionist.
Joel: Wow, the attention to superfluous detail in this fic is staggering!
>Makoto: Bored bored bored. This is so boring.
Joel: Ok, which one of us said that?
Crow: What CAN you say to something like that?
Tom: Hey, Makoto wants to help in the heavy construction! She's procuring
the plywood!
>Not a monster or arcade in sight..
>Minako: Or at least not an _open_ arcade in sight...
Tom: Food court's open, but the arcade is not. Hmm, is there a problem here?
Joel: I never thought I'd say this... but this fic could USE some lemon.
Crow: <Tom Cruise> Here's your pool cue, Ami. Ready to shoot some 9-ball?
Joel: I take it back.
>Ami: We could always go study for next months test....
>Makoto: Ami, it's a month away.
Tom: <Ami> Yes, Makoto, that's why I said 'next month's test' as opposed
to 'next week's test'.
Crow: Good to know Makoto has her basic time skills down.
>Ami: True, but if we study now, we won't have to study the day before.
>Minako: I don't think we're quite _that_ bored, but if nothing happens in a
>bit, we probably will be.
Crow: <Usagi> *gargg gargg gargg* What are you guys talking about?
Does anyone have some more fries? *gargg gargg gargg*...
Joel: The Io Saga! A fanfic that has the GUTS to sit around and be bored!
Tom: <Makoto> Come on, Author! Give us something to do! We're dying out
here! The readers are lapsing into a coma! HELP US!!!
>5. Ext. Rei's temple. day.
Crow: From "midafternoon" to "day"... not a good sign, people.
Tom: No! We've already done this scene! Now we're going backwards!
>They all scatter about, trying to keep away from each other, during the second
>round.
Joel: Second Round?
Crow: Quick, someone bite an ear off!
Tom: Rei was seeded third... her ability to run was prized, but in the end she
just wasn't as flexible as Boni.
>Usagi comes up the stairs with Chibi-Usa at her side.
Tom: <whistles the theme to High Noon>
Joel: <Usagi> Draw, pad'ner!
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> Okay, another yaoi doujin?
Joel: <Usagi> You knows that's the way I likes 'em!
>She looks from left to right, looking for everybody. Chibi-Usa also looks
>around for them.
Joel: Did we stumble into Gunsmith Cats or something?
Tom: Great, at this rate, they'll never get run over by a semi.
>Usagi: I don't see anybody here. Maybe they went on to the mall?
>Chibi-Usa: I don't think so. Maybe they're just inside.
Crow: <Usagi> No... that's just what they WANT us to think!
Joel: <Usagi a la Velma> I dunno, Scooby, an old abandoned temple
can be awfully spooky...
Tom: They're on strike until the author brings in a conflict to the fanfic.
>Usagi nods. Rei sneaks up behind them and taps them on the shoulder.
>CHibi-Usa and Usagi jump. Rei smiles ^_^ at them as they turn around
>to look at her.
Joel: <Usagi> Hey, you don't need to throw two carats and an underscore
in my face!
>rei: Gotcha!
>Chibi-Usa: Very funny...
Crow: <Chibi-Usa> Now put the capital letter back in your name, ya nut!
>Mamoru comes up to Shira while she is not looking. The camera
>zooms in, and shows that Mamoru's intent is not exactly friendly.
Tom: <Mamoru> Rallaaghh... WOOF! WOOF!
Joel: And exactly how did they show this? Another emotioncon?
Crow: Perhaps the boner in his pants and the line of drool escaping from
the side of his mouth?
>Mani turns around and looks at Mamoru.
Joel: <Mamoru> Oh no! Now I'm as helpless as a kitten in a tree!
Tom: <Mani> Yeah right, Mr. Mistoffeles, you're not foolin' me!
>Mani: Look out, Shira!
Crow: <Mani> Skeletor's right behind you! Ha! Made ya look!
>Shira turns around amd swings her arm. She manages to get Mamoru
>in the stomach.
>Mamoru: Argh!
Joel: <Mamoru> Ya skewered my belly, ya salty scalawag!
Crow: Yep, the normal reaction when one is confronted by a wild Mamoru.
>Shira covers her mouth with both of her hands.
>Shira: (stifled slightly) Oh! I'm sorry Mamoru! I didn't mean to.. Really.
>It's just that Mani shouted to me...
>Mamoru exchanges a cold glare with Shira, but regains his composure.
Tom: <Mamoru> Say, this glare is pretty neat! Got anything murderous?
Crow: <Shira> Nope, but I have plenty of icy and withered. Hey, I kept
this one frozen just for YOU, you big meanie!
Joel: Mamoru, in his later, more bitter days, was known to haze newbie Senshi.
>Mamoru: (seeming to be holding back a little) There is no need for an exp-
>lanation.
Crow: Yeah, why start now, eh fanfic?
Tom: <Mamoru> Explanation Muyo!
>Mani: (walks up to shira and whispers in her ear) Don't trust him! It's just a
>trap. He isn't the Mamoru that is Tuxedo Kamen.
Crow: <Mani> Let's see who this REALLY is! *gasp* I-It's... Rei's
Grandfather!!
Joel: <Grandpa Hino> Curses! And I would have gotten away with too, if it
hadn't been for those darn senshi!
Tom: Guess it's better than the Mamoru that pilots a Gundam...
>Shira whispers back.
Joel: <Shira> Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss-Pss....
Crow: Eww, that's disgusting, Joel! Why would she do that?
Tom: You're supposed to do that BEFORE you enter the theater, Joel!
Joel: ....
>Shira: Mani! I can't believe you! He seems like the real Mamoru, and that's
>proof enough that he is.
>Mani: Just head this warning: If you do trust him, be careful about what you
>trust him with.
Joel: <Mani> For instance, don't let him near any M-80s.
Tom: <Mani> I lost a fortune to that man! He'll bleed you dry,
skin you alive and suck the marrow clean from your bones!
Crow: <Mamoru> Ah, come on. It's just a harmless pre-nup.
>Shira looks back at Mamoru
>Shira: I'm sorry. Mani can be quite annoying...
>Mamoru: Like I said, there is no need for explanations.
All: <chanting> Call-backs... call-backs...
>Shoko walks up.
>Shoko: So what brings you here? I mean, nothing interesting is going on for
>miles.
Joel: Shouldn't the AUTHOR be taking care of that? <checks watch>
Right about NOW?!
>Mamoru grins slightly.
Crow: Show 'em the pointed teeth, Tuxy!
Joel: <Mamoru> Oh, me? I'm an Amway representative! Mamoru Smith,
nice to meet you!
>Mamoru: You don't know how interesting that it's going to get. (A wind starts
>to blow about him, drawing the leaves into something similar to a spiral.)
Crow: So, an ellipse? An oval? An elongated circle?
Joel: Hey! It's a Megaman flashback! Woodman, it's been FOREVER!
Tom: <Mamoru> Ancient spirits of evil... transform this bishounen form...
to TUX-RA!!! THE EVER-LIVING!!!
>Morpher Intsu: I sure hope you were prepared to fight, Moon Senshi.
>Mani: I know one thing that I was prepared for, if not a fight.
>M. Intsu: Oh yeah?
>Mani: Yes. You.
Joel: <Morpher Intsu> Yes University? Huh?
Crow: <Morpher Intsu> H-hey! What are you saying!? You think I won't
put up a fight?!? Well, I'm gonna... AHHHHHHHHH!!! G-GET THOSE
SPARKLERS AWAY FROM ME!!! MOMMMMMEEEE!!!
>Usagi: How dare you pretend to be Mamoru! I won't let you get away with that!
>Moon crystal Power!
>Rei: Yeah! Mars Star Power!
Joel: <Usagi> Hey, this is MY personal score! Get your own!
Tom: <Morpher Intsu> Since when is impersonating a bishonen a
punishable offense?
Crow: Better put away those Utena male characters templates...
>Ami and the others walk in as they are transforming.
Joel: More than meets the eye!
>Ami: Mercury Star Power, Make up!
>Minako: Venus Star Power, Make Up!
>Makoto: Jupiter Star power, make Up!
Tom: <Minako> Still love to know how we were conned out of gems.
Joel: <Ami> Count your lucky stars. You could have been stuck with
"granite".
Crow: <Boni> HEY!
><<< Typical SM transformations. >>>
Tom: ...summed up in three words again. Typical.
Crow: With or without breast outlines? Hmm? Inquiring minds want
to know!
Joel: Not to mention hentai robots.
Crow: Heh.
>Each Moon Senshi pulls out their gems.
>Boni: Phobos Gem Power, Make up!
>Toni: Triton Gem Power, Make UP!
>Mani: Mimas Gem Power, Make up!
Crow: Boy, I'd bet Naru's mother would LOVE to get her paws on those...
>Shira: Europa Gem Power, Make Up!
>Shoko: Io Gem Power, Make UP!
Joel: Man, whatever they're paying the makeup department for this
fanfic, it's not enough.
Tom: Rah rah, more overkill...
Crow: This is like rooting for the Duke University men's basketball
team against McNeese State.
><<< Typical Moon Senshi Transformations. >>>
Tom: ...are growing stale so instead please enjoy a few Typical
Cutey Honey Transformations along with some complimentary less and
greater than signs!
Crow: Hey! I feel gypped! Pan-ty SHOT! Pan-ty SHOT!!
>Sailor Europa: You won't escape from this battle, Morpher Intsu!
>M. Intsu: Ah, but that's where you're wrong! I will escape, with something
>more than just my life/
Joel: Actually, by now he should also know the Senshi's secret identities.
Crow: Which is more than Nephrite and the others could manage...
>Sailor Europa: Not if we can help it! Europa tigers claw!
>S. Europa pulls her gem from her tiara, and it turns into her sickle.
Crow: One idle twirl later and it became a popsicle. Yum!
Joel: Couldn't they at LEAST call it a scythe? I mean, her holding
a sickle makes me think she's a Commie pinko rather than a hero...
Tom: <S. Europa> Lenin Lives!
>Sailor Triton: Triton Jade Spear!
>Sailor Mimas: Mimas Pearl Sword!
>Sailor Io: Io Opal Staff!
>Sailor Phobos: Phobos Granite Axe!
Joel: Suddenly, I feel like playing Gauntlet.
Tom: <deep voice> FANFIC IS ABOUT TO DIE... URRRGGGHHHH!
>Each Moon Senshi removes their jewels and they turn into their weapons.
Crow: As previously alluded to.
Tom: Wonder what would happen if one of them, say Mimas, was to say
"Mimas Tactical Nuclear Device"?
Crow: <Mimas> Take off every Zig for great justice!
Tom: Oops, speaking of taking off, time to make like a Canadian!
Joel: Lead the way, Hoser.
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
The lights were dimmed on the bridge and the gentle sounds of soft
saxophone music could be heard as Joel stood behind the counter awaiting his
cue. Cambot faded in a title graphic as Tom's voice spoke up.
"And now, Satellite of Love Productions is proud to present to you...
A Sailor Jupiter Retrospective...."
Several clips are shown of previously MSTed scenes featuring Sailor
Jupiter and her civilian identity Makoto. "And now, here is your host, Joel
Robinson."
The lights faded up as Joel faced the camera. "Whether she's known as
Lita, SJ, S. Jupiter, or Mako-chan... we all still love her! Joining us now via
the
Hexfield Viewscreen, let's give a hand to Makoto, our own Sailor Jupiter!"
The Hexfield opened to reveal Makoto, dressed in her usual brown and
white school outfit, sitting comfortably on a chair with her hands neatly folded
in her lap. "Thanks for joining us, Makoto!" Joel said.
"My pleasure. I hear you guys are pretty big fans of mine!" Makoto
replied with a smile.
"Well yeah! I mean, you've always been likable in all the fics
we've MSTed, even when your part was small."
"Thanks! That's very kind of you to say." Makoto replied.
"Considering the last two fics you've been in, do you miss the heady
leading lady days of Season One? With Godzilla and the WWF as your
supporting actors?" Joel asked.
"Yeah, those were pretty cool. I was worried Godzilla would act like a
big shot, being a cultural icon and everything, but he was a total professional
on the set, a real class act."
Makoto paused thoughtfully for a moment before continuing. "Having
the star role might not always be my goal... if I recall, poor Amy had to act
next
to that sack of flour that was Tom Cruise." Makoto laughed. "I guess it just
depends on the project."
Joel nodded. "So, what was it like behind the scenes of '*R*P*M*'
Was Flynn hard to work with? And is it true that you performed all your own
stunts?"
"Yeah, wanna see my neck scar! It's a great conversation starter at
cast parties!" Makoto joked.
"So, did Flynn give you one of his spiky balls to help you hold off the
fanboys?"
"How'd you guess?!? Makoto giggled. "Umm, to answer your question though,
behind the scenes of '*R*P*M*', it was unusual, hell the fic was unusual... I
didn't
even find out till much later that it was supposed to be a Spawn/SM crossover!
And those poor &'s freezing their butts off for the scene changes... I remember
going without coffee on the set for a while cause I kept giving it to them."
Makoto explained.
"Aw, that's so nice!" Joel replied.
"Hey, when you wear a flimsy fuku most of the time, you can
appreciate how being cold feels." Makoto added with a grin.
"So what was it like working with Dr. Thinker?" Joel inquired.
Makoto was silent for a long moment before answering. "Heh, I'm
sorry, I can't come up with a word to describe it. I'm not sure he could even
make one up for it!"
"It wasn't an easy time?"
"Oh no! Don't get me wrong! I'm not saying it was bad or anything!"
Makoto quickly corrected him. "Dr. Thinker was one of the nicest people I've
ever worked with! It's just... well... since we couldn't understand what he was
saying most of the time, we weren't always sure what we were supposed to
do... and well... let's just say we used a LOT of improvisation... and he was
nice
enough to let us go with it. Working on a Thinkerfic is NEVER boring, I promise
you!"
"Neither is MSTing one!" Joel replied with a smile. "By the way, any
luck tracking down Solider 1 yet?"
Makoto's face grew serious and her voice was intense as she replied.
"Oh, I'll find him, all right... I'll find him... and make him PAY!" Abruptly,
Makoto
broke into giggles, dropping the serious act. "Actually, he and Solider 2 went
on to make a career for themselves as extras in Saving Private Ryan, so
they're doing pretty well last I heard. I still haven't quite forgiven Solider
2 for
cutting my hair though. Grrrrrr!" she growled playfully.
"Well, Makoto, this has been a real blast, but we're due back in the theater
soon, so I'll ask you one more question that everyone in anime fandom wants to
know..." Joel seemed to hesitate for a moment. "What's the deal with the old
boyfriend?"
Makoto paused for a moment and took the question in stride. "Hey,
what's wrong with comparing everyone to my old boyfriend? Everyone
remembers their first love, right? I mean, just because he broke my heart and
ended it for no good reason doesn't mean I have to dwell on THAT part of our
relationship, right?"
"Hmm, I guess you have a poi..." Joel began.
"I mean, just because I was jilted by every boy in practically every fic
you've MSTed, doesn't mean I can't remember their good looks, right?"
Makoto continued ominously.
"Uh, yeah, but...."
"Sure, I could be BITTER...." Makoto was really picking up steam now.
"BITTER over the fact that I've got all these great qualities and yet most men
still
ignore me or cheat on me because they can't control their frigging hormones!
But then, why depress myself when I can remember the wonderful times, the fun
times, BEFORE I was tossed aside like yesterday's garbage!"
"Uh, gee, look at the time! I think we have to get back to the...."
WHY would I want to do something like THAT?!?" Makoto was on her
feet now, fists clenched. "WHY would I be bitter about not landing a man
despite being CUTE as HELL and having a SPARKLING personality!! So I
compare every guy I meet to my old boyfriend, so what?!? I'm sure THEY do
the same with their old girlfriends but when *I* do it, it's ABNORMAL?!?"
Makoto was practically foaming at the mouth by now.
Joel suddenly noticed the yellow light flashing on the console. "Oh, thank
god! Uh, I mean, sorry, we're out of time, Makoto! This is Joel Robinson, for
a
Sailor Jupiter Retrospective, saying...."
"Hey! I'm not done yet! Oh, so YOU'RE going to leave me too! Sure!
Why not? Another broken relationship to toss on the pile! It doesn't matter!"
As
Makoto ranted, the Hexfield Viewscreen slowly began to close. "There's plenty
of men out there to compare my old boyfriend too! I don't need your pity! I
DON'T NEED YOUR...!" Makoto's voice was cut off as the Hexfield finished
closing.
Joel breathed a sigh of relief. "I knew I shouldn't have pushed my luck...
Anyway, this has been a...."
Suddenly, there was the sound of wrenching metal and grinding gears as the
Hexfield Viewscreen was physically reopened by Makoto, her face red with
anger as she continued her rant. "I DON'T ASK FOR YOUR PITY! JUST
BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES OF MY FAILED
RELATIONSHIPS DOESN'T MEAN I'M IN THE MARKET FOR A PITY DATE!
Makoto abruptly returned to normal for a moment. "Although, you do
remind me of my old boyfriend... want to go out with me to a movie and
dinner?"
"Uh... I wish I could... really... but I'm kinda trapped in space right now
and..." Joel stammered.
"Hey, that's okay. Trapped in space, huh? Sure. I understand. I'm not
your type. I'm not GOOD enough for you! WELL, THAT STINKS! I KNOW
WHEN I'M NOT WANTED!! I KNOW WHEN I'M NOT...!!!"
"Hey baby, we could use a good-looking girl up here! Wanna MST fics
with us?" Crow chimed in from off-camera.
"DON'T encourage her! Uh, we'll be right back, folks..." Joel replied
as he continued to nervously nod at Makoto while slowly backing towards the
theater doors.
TO BE CONTINUED IN 'THE IO SAGA' PT. 4....