MiSTed: GALACTIC FEDERATION MOTHERSHIPS, Part 2, January 7, 2003
Bookworm
Robert McElwaine. Just couldn't resist doing a quick MiSTing of it,
even though it's not my best work.
[Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater.]
Crow: So what's up this time?
Mike: I dunno. I heard something about a blast from the past, but
that's all.
> GALACTIC FEDERATION MOTHERSHIPS, Part 2
Crow: We missed part 1? Now we won't know what's going on!
Mike: Given the topic, I doubt we would anyway.
Crow: Good point.
>
> Update from The REAL Galactic Federation and The Spiritual Hierarchy
> January 7, 2003
Tom [as Galatic Federation whatsit]: We've got a certificate of
authenticity and everything!
> Communicated thru Sheldan Nidle
Tom: Too bad it isn't Sheldon Leonard.
[All start humming 'I, Spy' theme.]
> of The Planetary Activation Organization
Crow: Planetary Twin Powers, Activate!
> http://www.paoweb.com/updates.htm
>
> Greetings! We arrive, dear Hearts!
Mike: Whoa! Aren't you getting a little familiar, there?
> In this message, we will describe
> travel aboard our ships.
Crow [as whatsit]: I'm Julie, your cruise ship director.
> You will also discover what it is like to be
> part of the multifarious populations who spring from all parts of the
> Milky Way Galaxy.
Tom: I'd say *nefarious* is a more apt description.
[All snicker.]
> As the time draws near for the next step in our
> first contact mission,
Mike: Aw, man. Couldn't you pick a better Star Trek movie to rip off?
> it is important for you to understand what
> makes our ships so unique.
Mike: They have *free* mini-bars in every room?
Crow: They utilize the power of Scrubbing Bubbles?
Tom: They actually exist?
> The first, crucial element is the complex,
> conscious interface that exists between our ships and their crews.
Mike: We are the REAL Galactic Federation of Borg. You will be
assimilated, Dear Hearts.
> All
> Galactic Federation of Light starships are sentient.
Crow: Man, that does *not* sound like a good idea. What if they go
on strike?
Tom: [as ship]: All right, suckers. You can kiss your life support
good-bye until you meet our health care demands!
> Now, the
> starships of the former Anchara Alliance are undergoing similar
> modification.
Mike: Turkey's in on this?
Tom: I guess they *really* want Cyprus.
> In fact, their immense armadas of large Motherships will
> soon be fully converted according to these necessary specifications.
Crow: Huh. I didn't know sentience was a religion.
> Once completed, the sentient network of these ships will fill the
> galaxy with their working song.
Crow: Heigh-ho!
Tom and Mike: Heigh-ho!
[All]: Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to work we go!
> Still another major modification will
> involve a vast number of use-specific scout ships.
Tom [heavy on the sarcasm]: Oh, now *that's* a real innovation.
> Again, a common,
> sentient work network, being set up between fleets of the Galactic
> Federation of Light and those of the former Anchara Alliance, will
> permit free intercommunication between all scout ships during their
> assigned mission.
Crow [as scout ship]: Aw, why do they always assign such big
assignments over the weekend?
>
> In addition to the long-range working networks that are built
> into each ship, there is a smaller-range network that telepathically
> connects all crew members to the ship.
Mike: Heh. If I ever get on board one of those things, I'll make the
ship spin donuts until everyone's sick.
> As you board one of our craft,
> you are immediately 'plugged in' to this network,
Crow: Like air fresheners.
[All singing]: Plug it in, plug it in.
> which
> comprehensively monitors all body functions, thought processes and
> emotional states of each individual on board.
Tom [as whatsit]: Privacy? What's that?
> The ship emits
> frequencies that calm and center everyone aboard, and a special set of
> complex resonances is continually pumped throughout the ship,
Crow: Giving everyone Disco Fever!
> encouraging each passenger to feel the Love that emanates from the
> ship to its crew.
[All singing]: Caaaaan you feel the Loooove toniiiight?
> Thus, once aboard, you feel calm, centered and
> loved.
Mike: At least, until you find out there aren't any bathrooms on
board.
> You will also be able to explore the ship fully, with the
> exception of special operations areas.
Tom: They must be using a special definition of "fully" I've never
heard of before.
> The ship's short-range network
> provides a mental 3-D map of your trip. The ship constantly displays
> major functions -
Mike: f(x) = x + 1?
Crow: arctan(x)?
Tom: Frac(x) = x-Int(x)?
> propulsion, navigation and life support - as well as
> special telepathic programs requested by the crew.
Mike: Which must be a *real* hassle when you're trying to sleep.
>
> All light is produced by the same frequencies that propel the
> ship.
Crow: Which is just a fancy way of saying that they're running their
engines and lighting system off the same generator.
> It is diffused further to produce a full-spectrum effect that
> enhances the room and virtually eliminates harsh shadows.
Tom: Well, Morden sure isn't going to want to join these clowns.
> Still, it is
> quite bright and contains more lumens than are often found in the
> brightly lit reading room of your public library.
Mike: It also contains more stinky, creepy guys than the reading room
of your public library.
> This light relaxes
> the eyes and prevents the eyestrain that comes from seeing, reading or
> looking at pictures.
Tom: Or you could just sleep the whole time. That'd work, too.
> Yet another area you will notice immediately is
> the floors.
Mike [in Casey Kasem-type voice]: The great floors!
> They are made of materials that cradle the feet and lessen
> the impact of each step. Thus, the floors seem to rise to meet the
> foot and each step feels stress-free.
Crow: Wait a sec. You're walking on something that makes you feel
like you're in an earthquake, and that's supposed to be
*stress-free?* I don't *think* so!
> You feel comforted even when you
> run!
Tom: Even as you run from creepy aliens, you'll feel comforted!
> An environment is created that achieves a constant interface
> between individual and ship that loves, comforts and maximizes
> personal efficiency. And, because the ship expects its crew to carry
> out their procedures as quickly as possible, its relaxing atmosphere
> encourages optimal communication.
Mike: Whoever this is, he's starting to sound like a pointy-haired
boss.
Crow [as PHB]: It's our responsibility to globally simplify effective
paradigms while promoting personal growth.
Tom [as Wally]: Bingo.
>
> This same environment is found in our scout ships, whose purpose
> of communications is two-fold.
Mike: To talk to you, and to let you talk to them.
> First, the network enables constant
> interaction between ship and crew. Second, its grid instantly links
> each scout ship
Tom: ...with its favorite web sites.
Crow: Helllooo, Miss October!
> into a purposeful, organic whole. This prevents
> accidents,
Mike: Sorry, Red 2. I'm going to make you hold it until we get back.
You should have gone before we left!
> allows the mission coordinator, when necessary, to evaluate
> each moment of the undertaking
Tom: [as coordinator]: You'd better step up that funeral procession,
guys. We've got another one in half an hour.
[Mike and Crow look at Tom.]
Tom: 'Cause it's *undertaking*...you see...
> and ties it into all other scout ship
> operations, as required. Therefore, Motherships and their various
> scout ships maintain a highly interfaced communications grid.
Crow: Is Raul Julia floating around in there?
Tom: Yeah, probably doppled into an aardvark, poor guy.
> These
> missions are also monitored at many of Earth's subterranean bases,
Mike: You think Deep 13 is one of them?
Crow: I wouldn't be surprised.
> allowing us to know, at each instance, the locations of our ships and
> what they have discovered.
Tom: Ahh, we've discovered a whole lot of empty space, over.
Crow: Us, too. Over.
> This data is used either to modify certain
> missions in progress, or to obtain immediate feedback and analysis of
> ongoing events.
Mike: Would you like to take a survey? How do you feel about watching
George Wendt eating beans?
> Each crew is very relaxed yet matter-of-fact during
> these missions. Their success is marked by the operation's completion
> and the return to base - their Mothership.
Crow [as enemy ship--if they have one]: Yeah, that's right. Run on
home to Mommy!
>
> Aboard the Mothership, there are many sources of entertainment
> and many ways to relax. Special lounges on each deck of the ship
> interface with you, providing holographic destinations,
Tom: Well, they may have *watched* Star Trek, but they didn't learn
anything from it.
Mike: Yeah, you'd think they'd know better than to install holodecks.
> group
> interactive creations (similar to interactive movies)
Mike: Which, considering we don't *have* any, doesn't give us much to
go on.
> or direct
> communications with your home-world primary pod.
Crow: Oooh, *I* get it now! These communications are directed at
*whales!*
> These lounges are
> also the locations for parties, social gatherings and group rituals.
Crow: Does that include Beers and Wines of the World parties?
Tom: Or Robert Bly weekends?
> A
> huge number of meeting rooms are also available, where educational
> events or introductory courses in many different areas of learning can
> take place.
Mike: Oh, great. Will those soothing and calming resonances do squat
while I'm taking a test?
Tom: And I'll bet *their* textbooks cost a fortune, too.
> Education will be a large part of your life. Because your
> search for knowledge did not end with your formal, specialized
> schooling,
[All]: Oh, yes, it did!
> a vast, interactive library, encompassing every discipline,
> is available for the pleasure of each crew member.
Crow: Every discipline?
Mike: Yeah. Spankings, time-outs, writing on the blackboard...
>
> Every area of the Mothership is organized accordingly.
Tom: According to what?
> Motherships are set up to be modular. Only the cargo space and command
> sections are functionally specific. The rest are meant to be arranged
> according to need.
Mike: Leading to rousing games of "Guess Where We Hid Your Room
This Time."
> Another advantage of this interactive capability is
> that each crew member can create his or her own home compartment.
Crow [as whatsit]: It's called a cubicle. We got the idea from your
workplaces, actually.
> Each
> compartment is spacious, with a dining room, relaxation and
> entertainment room, study room and bathroom.
Tom: No bedroom?
Mike: They must have read Nancy Kress's _Beggars in Spain_ and think
we don't need sleep.
> Each possesses a matter
> creation/disposal device, where clothes, food or other necessaries can
> be produced or disposed of.
Crow: As can the bodies from your killing sprees.
> The Mothership's ability to redesign
> itself is crucial to its ever-changing mission. Since each Science and
> Exploration mission is unique, the Mothership can transfigure herself,
> instantly, to any new assignment.
Mike: Must be a real pain when it transfigures the sauna into the
kitchen--while you're in it.
>
> As guests aboard our Motherships, you will also notice that each
> aspect of the ship is user-friendly.
Tom: That's what Bill Gates said about Windows.
Crow: Yeah, I'll bet they have to reboot their Motherships every few
hours, too. *snicker*
> If you need to know something,
> the ship will provide it. There is an instant transportation system
> throughout the ship and matter creation devices, as well.
[All]: Tea, earl grey, hot!
> A full
> complement of trained androids and holographic servants/educator
> guides are also ready to assist you.
Tom: Do I get to learn about the Shoe Event Horizon?
> They will enhance your
> understanding of the ship's operation and give recommendations on the
> best use of its many resources.
Mike [as educator guide]: You'll find five Starbucks on deck 1, eight
on deck 2...
Crow [ditto]: And the best strip clubs are--oomph!
[Mike clamps his hands around Crow's beak.]
> Interstellar Motherships in the
> Galactic Federation of Light's fleets are enormous - from tens to
> thousands of miles in diameter.
Tom: And every one of them can be brought down by Jeff Goldblum with
a laptop.
> Although normally, we use our Light
> Bodies to move from one distant point to another,
Mike [as whatsit]: Because we're better than you. Nyah, nyah.
> remember that
> several types of transportation devices are available that can be
> used, as needed, to move the individual to her/his next destination.
Tom: [broad New-York cabbie accent]: So where to, bub?
Mike: The holographic lounge, please.
Tom: [cabbie]: You got it. But we'll have to go by way of the cargo
area--the direct route's all torn up.
Mike: Oh, man!
>
> The personnel that operate these craft are most amazing and
> diverse.
Crow [as infomercial-type announcer]: Welcome to Amazingly Diverse
Personnel!
> This first contact mission is one of the first times in
> recent memory that crews from different and distinct human
> star-nations have integrated.
Tom: What, they've only now enacted bussing laws?
> Normally, every star-nation possesses a
> Mothership, which is crewed, primarily, by members of that same
> star-nation.
Mike [as whatsit]: We also had separate lunch counters.
> Here, that is only rarely the case. Our purpose has been
> to combine and use our talents to bring you
Crow: ...the best show tune ever! It's sassy, it's brassy, it's a
musical humdinger!
> a group that can
> understand and work in a culturally varied environment. This same
> multiplicity is the crucial element in our successful first contact
> mission with you.
Tom [as whatsit]: Even though we've never tried it before and,
frankly, have no idea how it'll work.
> You, too, are a highly diversified group of souls
> who originate from every conceivable corner of this galaxy. You, dear
> Hearts, are helping to bring us all together as never before.
Crow: Yikes, did these guys recruit Delenn?
Mike: Naah, Delenn was never this fruity.
> First
> contact is not just a one-way street; it is a wonderful, multi-lane
> highway.
Crow: And these guys are the loose dogs running around on the
multi-lane highway.
[All make beeping, then car-crashing noises.]
>
> Today, dear Ones, we have discussed the nature of our ships and
> introduced you to their wonders. Remember
Tom: ...I'll be in my office Tuesday, but not Thursday.
> that these marvelous living
> creatures exist to serve you.
Mike: Enslaving sentient creatures. Sounds *very* enlightened.
> Their crews have traveled from afar to
> complete first contact and to usher in
Crow: ...the people for the next showing of 'The Two Towers.'
> a new and glorious golden
> reality. We now take our leave.
Tom: Yes, please take it far, far away!
> Many Blessings! Know always, in your
> Heart of Hearts, that the infinite Prosperity and Supply of Heaven is
> truly yours!
Mike: If--the Price is Right!
> Selamat Gajun!
Crow: I could go for some Gajun cooking right about now.
> Selamat Ja! (Sirian for Be One!
Tom [as Bingo caller]: B-1. B. 1.
> Be in
> Joy!)
>
> Planetary Activation Organization
> http://www.paoweb.com
>
> This copy was reposted by Robert E. McElwaine
Crow and Tom: McElwaine?!
Mike: Let's give him a big hand for his long-delayed return to MiSTing
prominence!
[All give McElwaine some rather desultory applause.]
> PAO Member
> Eckankar Initiate
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
Crow: Never was the term B.S. more applicable.
> http://members.aol.com/rem547 *BEST*
> http://members.aol.com/rem460
>
> See also http://www.paoweb.com/sn042302.htm ,
> http://www.paoweb.com/sn122600.htm ,
> http://www.disclosureproject.org .
>
> P.S.: PASS IT ON !
Tom: Like the kidney stone it is.
Mike: Let's get out of here, guys.
[Mike picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.]