MSTed: Brothers of Shotokan (1/2)
Bryan Lambert
OK, here it is. The product of weeks of labor and months of procrastination. My
MSTing of the Street Fighter fanfic, "Brothers of Shotokan, Chapters 9-12".
Sorry, Jonah. :)
As always, comments, questions, criticisms, and whatnot are welcome. Send 'em
on, I can take it.
MSTed: Brothers of Shotokan (with Sad Nostalgists Short)
by Bryan Lambert (bryan...@theonramp.net)
<theme song fades out - door sequence>
Crow and Servo are at the desk, staring at a monitor. Crow holds a joypad in
his hands, while Servo is hopping around on top of a big, arcade-style
joystick. Various, bleeps, bloops, and screens of agony can be heard.
CROW: I've got you now, fireplug! Let's see, A, A, B, B, Left, Right and
Down, Left and Up, and A and B simultaneously... YES! Woohoo!
TOM: Oh, yeah, like this is fair, Pinbeak. Do you know how tough it is to
pull off a 12-move disembowelment combo without arms?
CROW: Actually, Tommy-boy, I do. Now for the Fatality...
Mike enters from right, in Urkel outfit, carrying two cream pies.
MIKE: Hey, guys! I think I figured out the flaw in my Urkel!
TOM: Crow, about that fatality...
MIKE: [as Urkel] Oops, we've got commercial sign.
[Commercials start. Stretch, get yourself a snack if you'd like, or just keep
reading and pretend you taped this earlier and are fast-forwarding]
Cut back to SOL. The pies are face-down on the desk, and the 'bots have their
controller cords wrapped around Mike's head. The Urkel glasses hang forlornly
from one ear.
TOM: Now, what did we tell you, Mike?
MIKE: No more building robots.
CROW: And....?
MIKE: No more Urkel either, alright? Now get these things off my head! [as
lights flash] Liu Kang and Sonya are calling.
Cut to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is sitting at a keyboard, furiously typing away.
Mrs. Forrester is at a work table, ribbon cable and cartridge casings
everywhere.
DR. F: Ah, Mike, good to see you again. I'm right in the middle of a world
domination scheme, so I'm going to have to keep you occupied for a
couple of hours. You see, I'm working on MST3K: The Fighting Game.
<SOL>
CROW: A fighting game? Cool! Can I try?
MIKE: I don't know if that's such a good idea...
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Well, it's an early alpha, still a little buggy, not all the characters
are there, and of course, the subliminal message code hasn't been added
yet.
PEARL: Clayton, why couldn't you just do a Pac-Man or Tetris knockoff like
everyone else? In my day . . .
DR. F: Oh, stop living in the past, Mother. Fighting games are all the rage!
Millions of impressionable young children will play this game...starting
with Crow. Send the latest EPROM up the Umbilicus, Mother.
PEARL: What's the magic word?
DR. F: *Please* send Crow the prototype, MOTHER!
<SOL>
CROW: Wow, look at all the characters! Torgo, Dr. Ted Nelson, Ator, hey! I'm
in there! And so's Tom! Cool!
[Videogame music plays. Crow pushes on the joypad, getting more and more
frustrated]
CROW: Hey, nothing's happening!
<Deep 13>
DR. F: Oh, didn't I explain? In my fighting game, ALL the moves are special
moves! Kids'll spend months trying to figure out just how to walk
forward! Now, while I program, you all run along into the theater. I've
got something special in honor of my new plan: a Street Fighter fanfic!
[laughs evilly]. And, for Mother's benefit, a short. It's a Next
Generation magazine editorial about how much better games are now than
they were when -she- was playing them. [a cartridge case bounces off the
back of Dr. Forrester's head] Mother!
<SOL>
ALL: We've got Usenet Sign!!!!!
[door sequence]
>SPECIAL: Stop The Sad Nostalgists
CROW: You know, it takes more muscles to be a sad nostalgist than it does to
be a happy nostalgist.
>I had the misfortune to share my drive into work this morning with a videogame
>nostalgist...
MIKE: What self-sacrifice. This guy really cares about the planet.
CROW: Or the inflatable doll he uses to take the diamond lane popped.
>He whined about the "good old days" and how perfectly marvellous the early
>'80s were, for a good thirty minutes. My head is still aching.
TOM: Uhhh. He used big words.
MIKE: He does have a point though. How would you feel about a half-hour
discussion about A Flock of Seagulls?
>His Great Awakening to gameplay puritanism
CROW: Well, at least he's not using any loaded words.
> has been sparked off by a recent
>purchase of Williams' Greatest Hits for the PlayStation. My boorish friend
TOM: Well, if he's so boorish, why is he your friend?
CROW: Yeah, I thought opposites attract!
>claimed that, since the best game he had in his collection of ten PS titles
>was 16 years old (Defender), ergo, games have not progressed in the last
>decade and a half.
MIKE: Oh, I wouldn't say that. I mean, back in the old days, you'd have to
look long and hard to find a game with intestines in it. Now they're
everywhere!
>Nostalgia, unfortunately, is what it used to be,
ALL: Huh?
TOM: Was he expecting the definition of "nostalgia" to change over the years?
> and what it has always been;
>a dead and pointless emotion best reserved for wheezing old men in rocking
>chairs.
TOM: [as old man] Omega Race, now -there- was a game! (cough, wheeze)
CROW: Go to bed, old man!
MIKE: Yeah, everyone knows old people are worthless.
>Videogames are the most exciting and fast-paced entertainment medium since
CROW: Smell-O-Vision.
MIKE: Propaganda leaflets.
TOM: Carnie freak shows.
>television.
TOM: Oh, it's worse than we thought.
> We should not be wasting time mooning over silly games of the
>past. We should be embracing what we have today.
CROW: We should be mooning over silly games of the present!
TOM: Uh, Crow, this is Next Generation.
CROW: Oh. We should be mooning over silly unreleased games of the future!
>It is an absolute myth that the Spartan games of old were more fun than the
>games we have today.
MIKE: Our scientists have developed an objective measurement of fun, but we're
still arguing over what to name the units.
> Could the original Adventure really stand-up against
>Resident Evil?
MIKE: Well, Adventure was a cartridge, so it could stand up on it's own.
Resident Evil's a CD, you can only stand it on end during a vernal
equinox.
> How does Grand Prix compare with Sega Rally for hair-raising
>excitement? Even Defender, which I admit is pretty damned exciting - cannot
>hold a light to 3D descendents such as Wipeout.
TOM: Wipeout? A 3D descendent of Defender? Mike, isn't there some sort of
qualification that people who work for video game machines know what the
hell they're talking about?
MIKE: You do realize what you just said, didn't you, Tom?
TOM: Oh, yeah, you're right. What was I thinking.
>And then we have to put up with the Godawful prospect of happy-clappy
>thirty-somethings telling us how good the classic games really were.
CROW: Well, only if you let them in your car.
MIKE: You know, it's rare that you see "happy" and "clappy" in such close
proximity.
CROW: I'm beginning to suspect this guy has a lot of free time on his hands.
TOM: He's the editor of a video-game magazine. I mean, once you forget
about the traditional editorial duties of spell-checking, grammar-
checking, fact-checking, matching captions to pictures, and making sure
the pictures are all right-side up, that leaves, oh, about six and a
half hours a day in which to play Mortal Kombat 3, think up three pages
of rumors, and worry about the sheer global horror of people liking old
games.
> Space
>Invaders? I've had more fun chewing my toenails.
CROW: Woops! Tom, better revise your editor's schedule.
TOM: Nope, it's accounted for. An hour and a half for "lunch".
> PacMan? formulaic, twee and
>tedious beyond belief. Joust? Simply moronic. Missile Command? Never has
>nuclear holocaust been quite so predictable.
MIKE: "Twee"? What the heck is "twee"?
CROW: This isn't an argument, it's just contradiction!
>It's absolutely true that many of today's games are vacuous, soulless and
>turgid.
TOM: Which is why we only give them four and a half out of five stars.
> But that doesn't mean that the past missed out on its share of trash.
MIKE: So, games sucked then, and games suck now, but more games suck less now
than then? Whatever.
>We should not deny our 'heritage' of ground-breaking games.
CROW: We should just call them "moronic" and "tedious".
TOM: And "twee".
> Nor forget that at
>the time they were good fun.
TOM: So, he enjoyed them, but doesn't want to admit he enjoyed them now?
MIKE: Sounds like the classic editorial technique of "pretending to respect
opposing opinions".
> But dwelling on what was essentially a period of
>sandbox playtime development as the prime time of our industry is as pointless
>as reading the biography of a ten-year-old child.
CROW: Whew! Thank goodness he isn't overusing the "childish" metaphor here.
>We want to hear your views on this subject.
MIKE: Well, we don't really. I mean, you're -reading- this. What do you know?
> Write Colin Campbell and tell him
>whether you agree or disagree. Especially if you wish to debunk myths about
>so-called 'classic' games.
CROW: Yeah, write especially if you want to support my tenuous position.
TOM: Please validate my so-called "editorial".
MIKE: Come on, let's ditch.
<door sequence>
Cut to SOL Bridge. Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are standing solemnly; Mike and
Crow on the left side of the screen, Gypsy and Tom on the right. Mike is
holding a big cardboard cutout of an Asteroids ship. Tom has on a fake
moustache, red hat, and blue overalls. Crow has a big blocky alien cardboard
cutout, and Gypsy is dressed in halter top, shorts, and has cardboard guns
strapped all over. Hey, it's text. I can do that.
MIKE: <pretentious> And now, the SOL Players present to you, the viewer, our
dramatization of the neverending struggle between old games and new. I
will be portraying "Asteroids", while Crow will represent "Space
Invaders". On the other side, Thomas Servo appears as "Mario 64", and
Gypsy is, of course, the <normal> incredibly HOT... er... <pretentious>
Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. And now, the struggle.
Everyone yells, screams, and monkeypiles into the middle of the room, behind
the desk, in a scene that even your humble author admits is a direct, blatant
ripoff of all those Monty Python women's guild reenactments.
After a couple of minutes of this, the disheveled, but exuberant crew of the
SOL stands, breathing hard.
MIKE: So, what have we learned?
CROW: That Asteroids is a much sharper game than Mario 64.
TOM: What do you mean! What about the mipmapping!
CROW: No, I just mean sharper. Pointier. Ow.
<alarms flash>
ALL: FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!
<door sequence>
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative
CROW: Shouldn't that be "rec.arts.graphic-novels.creative"?
>Subject: Legends of Street Fighter Episode 1:Brothers of Shotokan Chapters
>9-13
TOM: What, we don't even get to start from the beginning?
MIKE: I have a bad feeling that it's not going to matter much.
>From: zer...@aol.com (ZeroLow)
>Date: 9 Apr 1996 16:04:58 -0400
TOM: ZeroLow, sweet chariot, comin' for to write a bad fanfic...
>(This is a series of stories based on the Street Fighter series before the
>original fight between Ryu and Sagat . This is the first episode of three
>which will end right at the beginning of Street Fighter 1.
CROW: How much time do you have to have on your hands to write a prequel to a
videogame without a plot?
> I hope to go all
>the way
ALL: <cough nervously>
> through to Sreet Fighter 2 with another trilogy .All comments are
>welcome.
MIKE: Well, if you -insist-.
> Tell me if you would like me to write more . Send your responses to
>Zer...@aol.com . Thank-you for your intrest . )
> CHAPTERS 9-13
>CHAPTER 9
CROW: Make up your mind!
>Gouki awoke later that evening in his room . " What happened ?" he asked.
TOM: Well, I'm not sure, but I think you just awoke in your room.
MIKE: Hey, Crow, is Gouki a game character or a new character?
CROW: Oh, he's from the ga... er, how would I know?
>"You had an opponent who fought dirty .
CROW: He refused to wash his clothes in Tide, claiming that it was plenty warm
outtide.
> It was not your fault ." replied a
>voice which Gouki recognized as Gouken .
MIKE: Let's see, Gouki, Gouken, Ryu, Ken . . . This is gonna be rough.
>Then it all came back to Gouki . The challenge of Chen and his eventual
>defeat. " I lost ....?"stuttered Gouki .
TOM: Well, that all depends on how you parse that last sentence.
>"Gouki , Chen hit you twice in the back and once while you were down. It was >not your fault." replied Gouken .
TOM: You see, depression is a brain chemistry imbalance . . .
MIKE: Uh, Tom, I don't think that's what he meant by "down".
>"I have waited all my life to fight in a tournament and I fail at my first
>try. I am no good ."
CROW: Whoops! Watch out for the authorial projection there, guys!
>"Don't say things like that . Master Goutetsu taught us better than that."
TOM: Goutetsu taught grammar and diction?
MIKE: There sure is lot of Gou in this story. It's positively goufy.
>"Tell someone who cares . I have been disgraced .
CROW: That's not your fault, you were unconscious, things . . . let go.
> I'm through with the martial
>arts and shotokan . I leave tommorrow ." And with that Gouki left his room and
>went outside into the darkness .
TOM: Realizing it wasn't tomorrow yet, he went back inside.
>He walked out in the field for years
MIKE: But Annie's lession about tomorrow always being a day away just wouldn't
sink in.
> it seemed when he ran into a darkly robed
>figure with a dark face and a necklace of spherical wooden balls about the
>size of a fist . Gouki was taken back by all of this at first
MIKE: Oh, it takes me back. What was the name of that waiter?
BOTS: JEAN-LUC!
> but then had the
>courage to approach the man .
TOM: <scared> It's just a goofy necklace, it's just a goofy necklace.
>"That was an unfair fight , young Gouki . I have heard that the judges will
>allow you to rechallenge Chen ." said the dark figure .
>"I do not care anymore . I have given up the martial arts . I will no longer
>fight ."said Gouki .
>"Ahhhh. But what if I could show you the true potential of your powers?" Asked
>the man .
MIKE: Well, that'd be different then, wouldn't it?
>"I am listening ."replied Gouki .
>"There are secrets that your master Goutetsu refuses to teach you for fear
>that you might become a greater fighter than he was .
CROW: Wow! The mystical secrets of Stoojitsu!
> I could show you these
>secrets .Come with me ."And with that the two walked off ,away from the town
>and into the darkness of the night .
TOM: Ooh. Imagery. Walking into darkness. This guy's no Ratliff, but he's no
Straczynski either.
> * * *
MIKE: Wow, this fanfic is one half star better than Laserblast!
>The next morning , Gouken awoke to an empty room .
TOM: "Brothers of Shotokan": chock full of waking action!
> He went outside and called
>out for Gouki but to no avail .
MIKE: Nobody would make a funny face at him.
> After an hour of searching he sat down against
>a wall and had breakfast . He was just about ready to get up again when a
>young man of about 18 years of age approached . "Gouken ? Are you the man
>called Gouken ?" the young man asked .
TOM: <singing> Gouken, I just met a ninja named Gouken . . .
>"Yes . I am him . Who wants to know ?"asked Gouken .
>"I am Go Hibiki from Thailand .
ALL: <a la "Speed Racer"> Go Hibiki, Go Hibiki, Go Hibiki gooooooo!
> I wish to learn to be as good a fighter as
>you. Please . I wish to learn the ways of the shotokan ."
>"Why?" asked Gouken simply .
MIKE: 'Cause it's the goofiest-sounding martial art I know of.
>"Because I wish to learn discipline and control from great warriors such as
>yourself . "
ALL: Good answer! Good answer!
>"That is a good answer . I accept . You may stay with me until you feel the
>need otherwise ." said Gouken standing up . "Come Go.
MIKE: <snicker> Hey, I heard Gouken named his dog "Stay".
> We shall start your
>training today before the fights for today ."
MIKE: That's what I was doing wrong with all my other students. Fighting
*before* training. But you'll be different, Go.
>"Thank-you sir . You will not regret your decision ." said Go .
>" I know I won't . You have a spirit of a true warrior . I can see it in your
>soul."
TOM: It's a thing I do sometimes. You'll learn how in Shotokan 350, if you
pass all the prerequisites.
> So Gouken and Go left for the fields outside the city in order to
>start the younger man's training .
>CHAPTER 10
CROW: Previously, on "Brothers of Shotokan".
TOM: Some people woke up.
MIKE: Others walked through fields.
CROW: And everybody's name begins with "G".
>That day Gouken taught Go the basics of shotokan which Go picked up on easily
>because he already had extensive training in the fighting style of kickboxing.
CROW: That, plus interior decorating, forms the basis of Shotokan.
>So it was that Go learned to concentrate all his power and perform the
>hurricane kick on his first day of training .
CROW: Big deal. It's just quarter circle back, then kick. I learned that
my first day too and I only concentrated half my power.
>After Go performed his first hurricane kick , the two men left to see the days
>fights
MIKE: There. You have performed one move. Now you are ready.
> . The mos significant of which was a battle between a teenager from
>Hong Kong called Lee and a stranger dressed in a unusual style of clothing
>which consisted of a long robe and a sash made of wooden balls. The stranger
>called himself Donovan and when he spoke he talked of monsters called
>vampires.
MIKE: OK, ladies and gentlemen, let's play Name That Cameo!
CROW: <buzzer noise> I'll say Darkstalkers, Alex?
MIKE: That is correct.
> Gouken wasn't sure be it seemed as if the odd man was staring at Go
>from time to time . The fight was quick and Donovan easily won.
TOM: So I won't bother describing any of it.
>Gouken wondered at this strange man . His style of fighting was just as weird.
>But the fight was soon forgotten during the rest of the fights that day .
MIKE: OK, ladies and gentlemen, Foreshadowing or Rambling?
CROW: I say foreshadowing.
TOM: I've gotta go with rambling, Alex.
MIKE: We'll see shortly.
> * * *
> Miles away from the town , Gouki was listening to the words of a man who he
>had recently met . The man had promised to make Gouki into the greatest
>warrior in the world through long hidden secrets that only he knew .
TOM: <as Ashura> Simply mail five karate moves to each of the five people on
this list . . .
> "Listen , boy .I am the great Ashura the last Master of the great Messatsu
>warriors .
MIKE: Ah, the mighty Messatsu Warriors. Hey, Tom, judging from your room, you
studied with them, didn't you?
> Listen as I tell you the secrets that your master Goutetsu refuses
>to teach to you in order to keep you humble.
CROW: Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
> The power of a fighter comes not
>from control of his feelings , it comes from the release of those emotions in
>a giant burst which will overwhelm your opponent." said the dark man named
>Ashura.
CROW: Actually, it comes from a mysterious white bar above your head. The
longer the bar, the more power you have.
MIKE: I never realized fighting games were so Freudian.
> "But I was taught to-"
TOM: Dance, and gad about, and crochet!
> "No. You were taught to be weak . That is why you lost yesterday and that is
>why you will always lose .
MIKE: Not the best way to really sell your training, Ashie-baby.
> You don't know the potential you have."
> "Yes. You are right. Teach me. I want to win."said Gouki .
> At this Ashura laughed wickedly . "I know you do . I know ."
TOM: No. Really. I know. I know many things, and this is one of them. I know.
MIKE: Come on, let's get out of here.
<1...2...3...4...5...6>
>CHAPTER 11
CROW: Previously, on "Brothers of Shotokan"
MIKE: A guy learned one move.
TOM: A fight occured, then was forgotten.
CROW: And a dark man offered to teach a guy who'll always lose how to win.
> Two more days passed and Gouken began to worry even more for his boither's
>safety .
MIKE: Not enough to stop teaching his new student multi-hit combos and
actually do something, but still pretty worried.
> On the morning of the third day he decided that Gouki had gone back
>to Japan and Gouken was preparing to leave in order to find him when Gouki
>walked into his room after breakfast .
>TOM: So, how was Japan? Sorry I didn't go looking for you or anything, but
there was this guy, and this kick, and you know how it is.
> His expression was that of pure
>determination . "I am ready , brother . I wish to excercise my right to
>rechallenge an opponent who has not fought fairly ."
TOM: So the power of the Messatsu is, apparently, really awkward sentences.
> "Gouki!" said Gouken . " I was worried that you had given up fighting. Are
>you sure you want to -"
CROW: Let's see. Look of pure determination, rechallenge an opponent, but are
you absolutely sure?
> "Enough. Where is Chen."demanded Gouki . At this Gouken was taken back
CROW: What was that waiter's name . . .
MIKE: I think that's enough of that joke.
. For
>the first time he noticed the fierce expression on Gouki's face . This did not
>seem like Gouki at all .
TOM: He'd been busy looking at the pure determination all that time, I guess.
> "Chen is probably warming up out in the fields ."replied Gouken .
> "Good . I will fight him immediately ." said Gouki as he walked out the door.
MIKE: Well, not immediately immediately. First I've got to walk out to the
fields.
TOM: Boy, for a game based on "Street" Fighter, a lot of the action . . .
CROW: Such as it is . . .
TOM: . . . such as it is, is taking place in this field.
> "Hey . Wait up little brother ."said Gouken as he chased after Gouki .
ALL: <a la Buddy Holly> Wait up, little brother, wait up . . .
> * * *
CROW: It's the Cavalcade of Stars!
---------Bryan-Lambert-(bryan...@theonramp.net)-----------
Brak Fact #4: Brak's drivin' down Highway 40 in his big
old pickup truck!
----------------RATMM's-Official-Biggest-Wuss---------------