MSTING of Hey...(Some e-mail about how YOU can make money stuffing envelopes)
BERTMARCH
OK, here is my MiSTing of some junk mail I got. I keep getting stuff like this,
so I'm venting. I'm also kind of new at this, so be gentle with me, dear
readers.
Host Segment(M&TB-Season Seven Era)
(Mike is standing next to a big ol' beer keg, wearing a apron that says 'I Love
Oktoberfest, while grilling what looks like Spam(the 'meat' not the mail) on
Hibachi that's next to a huge bowl of sauerkraut)
MIKE: Hello everybody! It's just another average day here on the Satellite of
Love, and in order to liven things up a bit, I decided we should celebrate
Oktoberfest up here ourselves. But as you can imagine, there are problems...
(Loud discordant music featuring lots of BLATs and clanging and dinging occurs
off-screen)
TOM(Off screen):Stop that racket at once, you talentless hack!
CROW(OS): Typical! I have a great idea and you won't give me a chance to work
all the kinks out.
MIKE(looking towards stage right mournfully): See?
(TOM comes in, looking as angry as a gumball-machine headed robot can look.)
TOM: Mike, can you get Goldenrod over there to give up on his stupid idea? He's
giving me a gosh-darned big headache!
(CROW comes in, in a Aliens cargo-loader style device with drums, horns,
cymbals and a triangle dangling off of various limbs of the framework)
CROW: Don't listen to him Mike! The OOMPAH Mark-1 will work! It'll really
provide some Oktoberfest style atmospheric music. Just give me a few minutes
to work out all the kinks...
(CROW touches some kind of control with his beak and the noise starts over
again)
MIKE(loudly over noise): CROW! CROW STOP IT PLEASE!
(CROW seems to ignore him and continues playing)
MIKE(to you, the reader): WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
(Commericals. Commercials. Commericals. All of them for CC's annoying new
shows.)
(We're back and CROW's one-bot-oompah-band machine has apparently burned out,
smoke pouring from every joint in the framework. CROW is now out of the
framework and all three are now enjoying mugs of beer, along with grilled Spam
and sauerkraut.)
CROW: Well, on reflection, it wasn't that good of an idea.
TOM: You're only saying that cause it nearly took you along with it!
CROW: What, so I can't have a change of opinon?
MIKE: Easy, boys. Jimmy Lee and Big Bad Mama are calling.
(Deep 13)
(Dr. F is at the panel, pouring beer into a mug from a big keg marked
'Schlitz'._
Dr. F: So, celebrating Oktoberfest, are we Mitch? Well, so are we here in Deep
13. Mother went out to get some strudel and pretzels. She does love her
pretzels. Meanwhile, I am in such a relaxed mood, you aren't getting a movie
today!
(SOL)
(M&TB are finishing off their victuals)
MIKE(around a mouthfull of sauerkraut, in a hopeful manner): Really?
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: No, I'm sending you some junk E-mail from someone who claims you can
make money stuffing paper into envelopes. It's got lots of dollar signs in it,
so enjoy Mick!
(SOL)
The SOL Boyz in unison: WE'VE GOT JUNK MAIL SIGN!
(5
4
3
2
1...
Subj: Hey...
CROW(singing):come on try a little, Nothing is forever There's got to be
something better than in the middle...
MIKE: Crow, stop singing that. You've been doing it all week
CROW: I can't help it! It's such a darn catchy tune!
Time: 97-10-05 16:15:24 EDT
From: RDente...@hotmail.com
TOM(perv voice): Ohhhh, this is some hot mail...HOT!
WOULD YOU STUFF
MIKE: Turkeys?
TOM: Stockings?
CROW: Yourself till you fall flat on your fat Thanksgiving ass?
ENVELOPES
ALL: Oh.
FOR 1,000'S WEEKLY
TOM: How would anyone be able to stuff envelopes for 1000's of people?
$2 For Each Envelope You Can Stuff
MIKE(Chevy Chase): But to lick it, it'll cost you a dollar.
SIMPLE, PLEASANT WORK YOU CAN DO AT HOME
CROW: TO PASS THE TIME WHILE YOU LIVE SHUT OFF FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD!
TOM: MIKE, WHY IS THIS GUY SHOUTING?
MIKE: I REALLY CAN'T SAY!
HELP SOLVE YOUR MONEY PROBLEMS.
MIKE: By keeping sending money to people like us, you'll have no more money to
have problems with!
No more worries over inflation,
recession, bills, rising gasoline prices and other costs.
CROW(sinister voice): Cause you'll be dead!
If you are
looking for easy income to relieve financial pressures,
MIKE: Try something else other than our con job.
you owe it to yourself to investigate our offer.
TOM: And so does the FBI.
HERE IS YOUR CHANCE
MIKE: To feel like a complete fool.
to earn extra money working at home by becoming an
active participant of our successful mailing association. You receive
cash daily for the envelopes you stuff. There is no limit. You stuff as
many as you wish.
TOM(dreamily): Stuffing envelopes for money? It's like my deepest fantasy come
true...
NO EXPERIENCE OR SPECIAL SKILLS REQUIRED.
CROW: To write this kind of letter.
Our HOME MAILER'S PROGRAM
TOM: Will provide you with the works of Norman Mailer for a low low cost!
is designed especially for people with little or no business experience
ALL: And not much smarts!
and, provides step-by-step instructions.
Mike: I can't belive that show is on CBS now.
Tom: Yeah, they should have let it and Urkel just go away.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: So, you think this post is about making money?
You may work in the comfort of your own home, choose your hours, set
your own pace.
TOM:...and not ley the daylight in, cause I won't live in a world without love.
No need to leave your present job.
CROW: Though you will when your co-workers find out you actually fell for this
crap and the shame becomes unbearable.
The possibilities are
unlimited
MIKE: Actually, they are pretty limited.
get the whole family to join in.
TOM: use the spacebar too much.
MIKE: Get the whole family to join in. And when the comet arrives, we will be
ready to ascend to the next level.
Form workshops with your
friends.
MIKE:...wiring bombs!
In addition to mailing our sales letter,
TOM: The letter E, and the number 8, and the shape Triangle...
we will help you reap
ALL(singing): what you sow, cause it's all right, all right girl..
huge profits from manufacturers
anxious to use your services,
MIKE: Unfortunately, they only exist in my head...
at no
extra cost to yourself!
CROW: Except for your dignity.
We will further show you how to expand your
operation
TOM(Irish accent): Into Capone's territory. We won't let that fat greasy
bastard tell Deanie O'Bannion where he can do buisness!
MIKE and CROW: What?
TOM: Do some research!
and boost your new income as high as you wish to go.
NOW ITS ALL UP TO YOU
MIKE(Singing): Georgy Girl! Wake up Georgy Girl!
TOM: Redgrave was brilliant in the movie. Of course, Dr. F would never send US
anything like that...
The opportunity for the better life is here
CROW: Well, not 'here', actually...
, it's waiting!
CROW: to pounce!
MIKE: OW! Hobbes, get off me!
But only YOU
can take that all important step that separates the achievers from the
dreamers.
TOM: the quick from the dead.
MIKE: you from the herd.
CROW: the light from the dark.
Order NOW!
MIKE: Sir! Yes sir!
CROW(R. Lee Ermey): PRIVATE, ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME!
MIKE: SIR NO SIR!
***********************
CROW: and here we see Van Gogh's classic, 'Starry Starry Night'.
*WHY IS THIS POSSIBLE?*
***********************
TOM: 'Coz any monkey with half a brain can get their hands on a computer.
There are many mail-order companies who want to expand with a
company who needs home workers.
TOM: Well, OK, not 'many'...
Each member is an independent home
worker.
CROW: Helping to take care of your elderly relative...
You serve a company that pays good commissions to help their
business, but do not want to hire more people.
MIKE: Well, if they don't want to hire more people, how can I get a job?
CROW: Mike, don't tell me you believe in this!
MIKE: No, I just think I missed something..
If they hired more
employees, they would have to supervise them, rent more office space,
pay more taxes and insurance,
TOM: Feed them, bathe them, clean up their cages...
all involving more paperwork. It is much
easier for them to set it up so that independent home workers can
earn money doing the work themselves.
This program is designed to help
people cash in with a company who needs more home workers.
MIKE(sleazy con artist voice): Oh, yeah, someone will be cashin' in, heh heh
heh. Suckers!
This program
TOM: is brought to you by a grant from The Mobil Corporation.
has been perfected so that is has become one of the most successful and
profitable ones ever.
MIKE: Really! We're in the Guiness Book of Records and everything! We are
legit,
we swear!
We invite you to take part in our success.
You can take on whatever amount of
business that fits your schedule, and you can quit whenever you want.
CROW: But by the time you want to, it will be TOO LATE! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
There are no obligations. This work mainly consists of the securing of
envelopes.
MIKE: Because even envelopes have those 'problems'. So we have developed,
"Secure for Envelopes".
You can START THE SAME DAY you
receive the instructions
CROW: "This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Good luck Jim."
and begin RECEIVING YOUR MONEY WITHIN TWO WEEKS
MIKE: Those are weeks in Mars weeks, so don't be surprised if it takes even
longer. Yeah, that's the ticket.
and every week from then on as long as you desire.
TOM: Weekly Desire By Lynn Stewart, New from Harlequien Romance Publishing.
Please allow 2-3 weeks for delivery.
MIKE: Please allow 3-4 weeks for your sanity to go when nothing happens.
Envelopes will already be stamped and addressed.
CROW: They prefer to be addressed as 'Sir' and 'Madam'.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: Some call the pest-control people, they're everywhere!
GUARANTEE:
CROW(Cajun accent): I ga-raun-tee!
We welcome you to this program and extend to you
our unconditional guarantee that everything we have said
about this program is true and that you will be delighted
with the money you make. Our goals and continued success
depends upon your 100% satisfaction with this program.
MIKE: And your completely being fooled by all this huey.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
CROW: Aahhhh! They're back again!
DON'T BE FOOLED!
ALL: TOO LATE!
There are more fraudulent envelope addressing and chain letter schemes
being sold today.
TOM: A bit more fraudulent than us.
We recommend that you avoid them. Why fool with some
questionable scheme when our program enables you to earn so much money
legally.
CROW: Yeah, you can trust us...
TOM: C'mon, you know you 'want' to...
Remember, unlike
the others, this is not a get-rich-quick scheme.
ALL break into laughter.
It is a proven program
MIKE: Really, it's still in the hypothesis stage.
for making money while filling the needs of a company who needs people
to mail their circulars.
TOM: So expect your round envelopes in the mail anytime now.(Others look at
him.) Cause, they're circulars, you see? Circulars, round envelopes...(Rip
Taylor style) IT'S FUNNY!
CROW: I've heard better kids' jokes on Rosie O'Donnell!
TOM: Why you...
MIKE: Calm down guys, we got some more to go through untill we're safe.
IN ORDER TO GET YOU STARTED IMMEDIATELY, we require a one-time fee of only
$19.95.
CROW(Sinister voice): And your SOUL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
You will not be required or asked
to pay for any additional information or manuals.
MIKE(slacker voice): but, hey man, we may need to like, bum some dollars off of
you for coffee or somethin'.
In as much as we would
like to send you our program with no charge,
CROW: Really we would!
TOM: Really, we have only altruistic interests at heart!
we must protect
ourselves from those who are not serious and have no intention other to
satisfy their own curiosity.
MIKE: Also, we need to get as much cash as we can 'fore the Feds can track us
down before we can set up shop again.
This small charge
assures us that you are serious about wanting to earn money at home.
TOM: and provides us with booze money.
DON'T DELAY - START IMMEDIATELY!!!
MIKE: On your mark, get set, GO!
TIME IS MONEY
MIKE: A penny saved is a penny earned.
TOM: A stitch in time saves nine.
CROW: Guests and fish both begin to stink in three days.
YOU CAN BEGIN NOW BY PUTTING YOUR TIME TO THE BEST USE.
CROW: By reading a book, going out for a nice walk, anything but bothering to
respond to this and wasting about $20 bucks.
THE NEXT FEW MINUTES CAN LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
CROW: I'm Dr. Jack Van Impe and this is my wife. Watch our show to see how
today's news and Biblical prophecy are related.
DON'T LET THIS EXTRAORDINARY OPPORTUNITY PASS.
MIKE: OPPORTUNITY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE!
YOUR REGISTRATION FEE REFUNDED
as soon as you submit your first 100 envelopes.
TOM(Jon Lovitz): As soon as you submit your first 100 envelopes...yeah, that's
the ticket!
****NOTE****
This offer is valid in ALL countries, no matter where you live!
MIKE: Accept in the United States.
TOM: And Canada
CROW: And most countries in the Western Hemisphere, and Eastern Hemisphere..
Our only
requirement is that you send your money in US funds for residents outside
of Canada.
MIKE: Aww, just send us your damn cash, you suckers!
APPLICATION FORM
TOM: FOR MCDONALD'S
Send CASH, or MONEY ORDER
MIKE: Really? You don't accept the juge stones used by the Yapp Islanders?
R&D Enterprises
P.O. Box 563
Lindsay, Ontario, Canada K9V-4S5
TOM: It's the vacant lot right next to the 7-11 and the Diamond Shamrock.
ENCLOSED IS $19.95 FOR THE COMPLETE HOME MAILER'S PROGRAM.
CROW(excitedly):Where, where? Oh. Darn.
NAME:__________________________________________________________________
ADDRESS: _______________________________________________________________
City: _____________ State/Province:_________ ZIP/POSTAL CODE:____________
Country___________ E-Mail Address________________________________________
Phone Number ( )_________________________________________
COMPARE
TOM: And save at Wal-Mart!
$19.95 ---------------------------------------------------------- $1,000's
MIKE: Yes, I would have to say '$1,000's' is bigger.
The amount of money I would like to earn each week is:
O $500.00 O $1,000.00 or more.
CROW: The amount of money I would like to waste on such quick rich schemes
is...
MIKE:OK, it's time to go.
TOM: And not a moment to soon.
(All leave as credits roll)
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From: RDente...@hotmail.com
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Subject: Hey...
Message-ID: <07a33361220...@csi.com>
Date: 5 Oct 1997 16:12:55 -0400
(SOL)
(We see only TOM and MIKE)
TOM: Gee, Mike, what kind of idiot falls for these get-rich-quick schemes.
MIKE: Aw, Servo, let's not judge too harshly. Anyone can fall victim to a
con...
(A small furry critter runs from stage right to stage left)
TOM(startled): 'The Hell?
MIKE: Look, there's more of the little things!
(Indeed, many small furry mammals are starting to run around the room. CROW
walks in and doesn't seem to notice)
CROW: Hey, Mike, how are things- Hey! So this is where my chinchillas have run
off too!
MIKE AND TOM: WHAT?!?
CROW: Yeah, I was reading a magazine, and there was this add that said you
could make good money raising chinchillas for their fur! It sounded so good,
and so easy!
MIKE(as a chinchilla crawls up his side and on top of his head): Crow I really
-AGGHH!
(Chinchilla on MIKE's head starts to- think about what happened with Johnny
Carson and that one critter that crawled on him and, you know, did it's
'buisness')
CROW: Don't worry Mike, they'll pay for themselves in a few months!
TOM: I had to ask...
(Fade out with a Waaah, Waaaaaah, Waaaaaaaaah)
(Deep 13)
(Dr. F now has a highball glass filled with Schlitz and is swirling it around
in a sad attempt to look sophisticated)Dr. F: Well, Mark, look's like your
little devils have done it again! What fun to watch as you pathetic-
PEARL(OS): Clayton! Help me get this large pretzel through the door!
Dr. F: Yes Mother! Coming Mother!
(Off Screen-CRASH!)
(A LARGE Pretzel comes tumbling into the lab and crashes into the wall to Dr.
F's right, accompanies by flying bits of rock and concrete and doorway.)
PEARL: Clayton you oaf! Why couldn't you get here sooner?
Dr. F(walking off screen):You didn't even give me a chance before you started
trying to shove it through the door! (Now OS) Oh great! Gizmonics is going to
take the money for the repairs out of my pocket!
PEARL(OS): Are you suggesting it's my fault Clayton?
DR. F(OS): Uhhh, no mother, not at all...
FINIS
Post Script: I just had to do this. I get so much junk like this, it isn't even
funny.
This was just me lashing out. A fella's just gotta vent, ya know?