MiSTED: Voyage to Jakeeb [PROSE, D&D] [1/3]
WereTorgo Classic
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NB: This isn't exactly perfect continuity-wise - I'm dealing with an era that
occurred when I was still in elementary school, so my cultural references aren't
quite what they could be - so don't flame me on that. I am fully aware of most
of the anachronisms.
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In the not-too-distant future-
Next Sunday, A.D.-
There was a guy named Joel,
Not too different than you or me.
He worked in a satellite loading bay,
Just polishing switches to pay his way;
He did his job well with a cheerful face,
But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into space.
We'll send him cheesy movies,
The worst ever made.
Joel says when you got lemons,
You make lemonade.
Now keep in mind he can't control
When the movies begin or end,
Because he used the extra parts
To make his robot friends.
Robot roll-call-
Cambot
Servo
Gypsy
Crow!
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show,
I should really just relax
For Mystery Science Theater 3000."
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SOL. JOEL, CROW, and SERVO are lying on the desk. An ambient song is playing in
the background, and the lighting is very hazy.]
JOEL: [sleepily] Hello, folks out there... we're having a sleepover here on the
Satellite...
CROW: I'm not quite tired enough to fall asleep, Joel.
SERVO: Me neither.
JOEL: Well, how about if we play Monopoly again?
CROW: Too long.
JOEL: Hangman?
SERVO: Too hard.
JOEL: Oh, I know what we can do. Come on, we'll play Truth or Dare.
CROW: Truth or Dare? What's that?
JOEL: Okay. Well, someone says either "truth" or "dare." And if they say
"truth," then someone else has to ask them a question and they have to answer
it.
SERVO: Oh, and if they say dare they are dared to do something?
JOEL: Exactly. I'll go first. Truth.
CROW: Umm... hmm...
[SERVO and CROW consult for a minute]
SERVO: [to CROW] Okay. [to JOEL] Have you ever kissed a girl?
JOEL: [childishly embarrassed] Once or twice.
CROW: Was it the same girl?
JOEL: It isn't my turn anymore. You'll have to wait until next turn. Servo, it's
your turn.
[pause]
JOEL: Servo, say "truth" or "dare".
SERVO: Oh, yeah. Umm... truth, I guess.
JOEL: Okay... [thinks for a second] What's your most embarrassing moment?
SERVO: [without hesitation] I don't have one.
[pause]
JOEL: [suspiciously] Okay... fine, Crow, your turn.
CROW: Truth.
JOEL: Okay... hmm... [thinks] [to himself] I wonder how much time until the
commercials?
CROW: Five seconds. Your turn.
JOEL: Hey, that didn't count! Crow!
[commercials]
[SOL, same scene as before. JOEL is up now, but the BOTS are still lying down]
JOEL: Servo! Crow! You guys are missing the point of Truth or Dare!
CROW: What do you mean, Joel?
JOEL: The entire point is that it's *Truth* or Dare. Not *Answer a Question,
Truth Optional,* and Dare!
SERVO: [innocently] Gee, Joel, what do you mean?
JOEL: Your answers for my last five questions have all been the same! "Not
really" or "Never."
CROW: So?
JOEL: Even when I asked if you were telling the Truth you answered "never."
SERVO: It's your fault for making us play this stupid game, Joel.
CROW: Yeah, Joel.
[GIZMONICS]
[DR E and DR F are watching the screen as if they can see the SOL]
DR. F: Heh, looks like they've been cheating at Truth or Dare again, Larry.
DR. E: Joel should know by now that not even a *robot* takes *that* game
seriously.
DR. F: Actually, I kind of... I mean, used to... [stops himself]
DR. E: You used to *what?*
DR. F: Never mind. Let's just send him a post, okay?
DR. E: Certainly. [to screen] Come in, Joel.
[SOL]
JOEL: Joel here.
CROW: Truth!
JOEL: [to CROW] Umm, Crow...
SERVO: [to CROW] Do you have a girlfriend?
JOEL: Servo... Crow... the game is over.
CROW: [about to deny SERVO's question] I don't-- [processes JOEL's statement]
[pause] Oh.
JOEL: [to Cambot] Never mind those two. I'm here.
[GIZMONICS]
DR. F: I'm afraid we have another post to send you... Larry?
DR. E: [holding a computer printout] This one is a *real* dog, Joel. It seems to
be a Sinbad fic of some sort. The spelling is bad, the parsing is painful, and
*I'm* not even too sure what it's about.
DR. F: [to DR. E] This seems like it'll be *real* fun.
DR. E: For us, of course. [to JOEL] Enjoy.
[SOL]
[lights flickering]
JOEL: Fanfic sign!
[doors]
>
> Sinbad #8 Voyage to Jakeeb - Part 1
>
>
[they enter and take their seats]
>
> One year earlier the Village of Jakeeb
SERVO: Ah, the village of Hi-Keeba!
JOEL: It's a town where all the Wendell Coreys of the world are free to pull as
many pratfalls as they want.
> was under attacked by the Pirate
> Rama the Terriblehis men invaded the Village, stealing all they can, a bout a
CROW: I think it's official: We're in for a *real* doozy here.
> mile up Jasmine was riding a long herhorse when she heard screaming, her
> horse
JOEL: Slow down! Slow down! I can't *take* this pace!
> started to gallop faster, she unsheasthed her swordand struck one of the
> pirates with it,
SERVO: Do you guys realize that we're *still* on the first sentence?
CROW: We're in hell.
> Rama saw this and darted over sword in hand, Jasminejumped
> off her horse ready to fight he says"Who are you sposed to be? Xena the
> warriorPrincess"
SERVO: No, because in Xena-land, people use a period occasionally.
> Jasmine says with a grin"No! Im Jasmine, your worst
> nightmare"
JOEL: No, my worst nightmare is that someday I'll find a story that's written
about *me...* and it's worse than this dreck.
> Jasmine attacked, thetwo were fighting, swords clashing.
SERVO: Ladies and gentlemen, the *first* period since the story began.
> Rama
> suddenly lost his grip and fell,
CROW: [sarcastic] I saw it coming... the way the author was focusing on Rama's
grip and all.
SERVO: His grip on *what?*
JOEL: On his sanity.
CROW: His feet are suction cups.
SERVO: Oh, he was wearing his Moon-Boots.
> Jasmine put her swordat his throut and
> says"Leave here" Rama says"Go ahead! Kill me!"
JOEL: [as Rama] I'm a sucker for pain! Kiss me kill me!
> Jasmine stared into the
> manscold eyes she remember what Sinbad had told her about swordfighting, use
CROW: --The pointy end of the sword?
> the sword to defendyour self. Jasmine says"I wont kill you! If you leave
> here peacefully"
SERVO: Oh, *that's* a real smart move.
> Rama says"Foolish girl" Hetrips her causing her to fall, she hits
> her head causing her to be knocked out, Rama laughs andcarrys her away.
JOEL: So much has happened in so little space.
SERVO: With so few periods.
CROW: And lots of different tenses.
>
> The next morning Jasmine wakes up in some ladys house she says"Where am
> I
CROW: You're in a really awful story.
> and whydoes my arm hurt" the women says"You saved us, you were trying to
> fight off Rama the pirateand you fell and knocked yourself out, we found you
> with a wound on your arm"
SERVO: It's *called* a stigmata.
> Jasmine smiledat the kind woman and says"my horse is she
> ok!" The woman says"Shes fine, my husbad Markustook
JOEL: "Markustook?" Is he an Eskimo?
> her to the barn, I am
> Lena, Rama left you with a note, He says if he sees you again he willkill you
> for trying to stop him"
CROW: This lady needs a few extra spaces.
> Jasmine looked around, to her surprise she was
> trembling.
> Jasminesays"I better go, I am sposed to be back in Bagdad in two days" The
> woman smiled and helpedJasmine get ready to go. She and the rest of the town
> thanked Jasmine for saving them.
>
>
>
> "NO!" Jasmine cried out,
SERVO: [as Jasmine] I will *not* save you!
> she looked around and saw she was only in her
> cabin abourdthe nomad.
JOEL: Poor nomad... his back must be aching.
> She looked at her arm and saw the scar left by Rama
> two years earlier.
CROW: [as Jasmine] Boy, those were the days...
> She climbedout of bed and got dressed. It was an hour
> before her shift, she decided to go ahead and take hershift an hour early.
SERVO: [sarcastically] Oh, interesting plot point.
> She left her Cabin and preceeded up topside. She smelled land,
CROW: How can you *smell* land?
> sheremembered
> what the lady had told her what Rama said and Jasmine was scared. Rongar
> cameout from downbelow, Jasmine tried to hide her fear but knew that Rongar
> sensed that she fearedsomething in Jakeeb.
JOEL: Then why try to hide it?
SERVO: Oh, Joel, it's for the sake of the plot.
CROW: What plot?
>
> An hour later the whole crew was at topside when Firouz yelled"Land Ho"
SERVO: [crew member] *You* land, jerk!
> Maeve tookJasmine to one side and said"You fear this place, why?" Jasmine
> smiles and says"What do youmean, We are just here to trade and go, thats all"
CROW: Oh, look at her cover up her true feelings... yet... she manages to make
them shine through at the same time.
SERVO: Amazing acting ability.
> She walks toward the railing to go to thelongboat, Dermott flys to Maeve,
> Maeve says"Keep an eye on her,.Something is up, and its notgood" The crew
> leaves for Jakeeb.
JOEL: [voice over] And so, we, the crew, set off on our mission to find a not-
so-well-defined land to satisfy our vague curiousity.
>
> Twenty minutes later the crew found themselfs in a Tavern for a nice
> break.
SERVO: An ice break? Don't mind if I do.
[SERVO starts to leave, but JOEL silently stops him]
> Jasminelooked towards the window and thought she saw Rama,
CROW: -Damadingdong.
> she moved closer
> to Douber who smiledand poured more ale in her glass.
JOEL: So she's at a bar?
SERVO: An inn?
CROW: An out?
SERVO: A-- [to CROW] What!?
CROW: Nevermind.
> She was right she did see
> Rama, she turned herself away fromthe door as Rama and the rest of his crew
> walked in. Jasmine says"Boy! This Ale is good, I amgonna take a walk"
CROW: I sense that she's lying... but *why?*
JOEL: I don't think she's lying... it's just a poorly written, abrupt sentence.
> Sinbad
> smiles and says"Dont be long" Jasmine smiles and says"I will try notto" Maeve
> watches her and says"Mind if I take one to" Doubar says"Go have fun"
SERVO: Great, now the entire cast is going to end up following her out the door,
sooner or later.
> Rama
> whowas
JOEL: Whowhatwherewhenhowwhy?
CROW: Yes.
> at the bar saw Jasmine leave and followed out the door just before Maeve
> left. He hid behindand ally waiting for her,
SERVO: Oh, wait a minute... how did he get in front of Jasmine without her
seeing him?
> When he saw her he grabbed her he
> says"I see you dont listen well"
CROW: *My* listening skills aren't doing so well either, Joel.
JOEL: It's the lack of punctuation, that's all.
CROW: Oh, I thought it was my... my lack of... RAM... or something.
> Dermott who was above alerted Maeve who
> came running to her aid, Rama took out his Daggerand says"I allways do what I
> tell my victoms to do if I see them again"
SERVO: You mean "run like crazy"?
> Just before he was aboutto strike a
> fireball hit his arm.
SERVO: [sarcastic] What wonderful timing.
> Jasmine saw Maeve and ran over to her Maeve got
> anoutherfireball ready and says"Leave!" Rama says"I will get you little
> girl"
JOEL: So, umm, who's saying what, exactly, to whom?
> He runs off. Maeve says"Iwas right you are afraid of this place" Jasmine
> sighed and says"yes, he is the one who gave me thescar on my arm" Maeve
> says"Have you told Sinbad" Maeve and Jasmine start to walk off shesays"Doubar
> and Sinbad dont know about it. Sinbad was Missing when it happened.
SERVO: Meaning, the author forgot to write him in.