MiSTing "The Odyssey" (pt.12 of 12)
Tjats
All MST3K-related characters are trademarks of Best Brains, Inc.
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>Lampetia in her long gown meanwhile
>had borne swift word to the Overloard of Noon:
Joel[as Lampetia]: Odysseus' story is getting too long! Fry him!
Mike[Helios]: Okay.
Mike and Joel make lightning and explosion noises.
>
>'They have killed your kine.'
>
Joel and Mike: That's *it*?!?
>And the Lord Helios burst into angry speech amid the immortals:
>
>'O Father Zeus and gods in bliss forever,
>punish Odysseus' men! So overweening,
Both: Eeeeeewww!
>now they have killed my peaceful kine, my joy
>at morning when I bore westward from heavan.
Joel: Well, that's what you get for making him stay at sea for ten years!
>Restitution or penalty they shall pay-
>and pay in full-or I go down forever
Both: Forever! And ever!
>to light the dead men in the underworld.'
>
Mike: Why? Because some guys snacked on your pets?
>Then Zeus who drives the stormcloud made reply:
>
Joel[as Zeus]: Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!
>'Peace, Helios: shine on among the gods,
>shine over mortals in the fields of grain.
Mike: Oh, *now* I get it! Helios was going to go down there if Zeus didn't
punish them! A threat! [demanding, looking up] Hey! Zeus! Get us back to
Earth or we'll say bad stuff about you!
Suddenly a lightning bolt comes down and zapps Mike.
Mike: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaggg!
Mike falls to the floor. The 'Bots come back in.
Servo: Hi, Joel. [his hoverskirt hits Mike on the floor with a -thump-]
Oops, sorry, Mike.
>Let me throw down one white-hot bolt, and make
>splinters of their ship in the winedark sea.'
Servo{as Zeus]: Then we'll sell them as toothpicks.
>-Calypso later told me of this exchange,
>as she declared that Hermes had told her.
>Well, when I reached the sea cave and the ship,
>I faced each man, and had it out; but where
All: On Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
>could any remedy be found? There was none.
Crow[as Agent K]: You're marked, marked-marked,
this-is-the-lest-suit-you-will-ever-wear-marked.
>The silken beeves of Helios were dead.
>The gods, moreover, made queer signs appear:
Joel: Yeild
Crow: Merge
Servo: Watch out for snakes!
>cowhides began to crawl, and beef,
Joel: Was what's for dinner.
> both raw
>and roasted, lowed like kine upon the spits.
>Now six full days my gallant crew could feast
>upon their prime beef they had marked for slaughter
>from Helios' herd; and Zeus, the son of Cronus,
>added one fine morning.
All: Huh?
Crow: That doesn't make any sense.
Mike gets up.
Servo: Oh, hi, Mike. Forgot you were here.
>All the gales had ceased, blown out, and with an offshore breeze
>we launched again, stepping the mast and sail,
>to make for the open sea. Astern of us
>the island coastline faded, and no land
>showed anywhere, but only sea and heaven,
>when Zeus Cronion piled a thunderhead
Mike: Zeus *Cronion*?
Servo: Now I know why he's so short tempered.
>above the ship, whilegloom spread on the ocean.
>We held our course, but briefly. Then the squall
>struck whining from the west, with gale force, breaking
>both forestays, and the mast came toppling aft
>along the ship's length, so the running rigging
>showered into the bilge.
Crow: Mike, Joel, I'd like to say that it's been an honor rifffing through the
Odyssey with you.[gets up to leave]
>On the affterdeck
Crow: D'oh![gets back in seat]
> the mast had hit the steersman a slant blow
>bashing the skull in, knocking him overside,
>as the brave soul fled the body, like a diver.
Mike[as Odysseus]: But I never liked the steersman, anyway.
>With a crack on crack of thunder, Zeus let fly
>a bolt against the ship, a direct hit,
>so that she bucked, in reeking fumes of sulphur,
>and all the men were flung into the sea.
>They came up 'round the wreck, bobbing awhile
>like petrels on the waves.
>No more seafaring homeward for these, no sweet day of return;
>the god had turned his face from them.
>I clambered fore and aft my hulk untill a comber
>split her, keel from ribs, and the big timber
>floated free; the mast, too, broke away.
Servo[electronic]: Battleship sunk.
>A backstay floated dangling from it, stout
>rawhide rope, and I used this for lashing
>mast and keel together. These I straddled,
>riding the frightful storm.
>Nor had I yet seen the worst of it: for now the west wind
>dropped, and a southeast gale came on-one more
>twist of the knife-taking me north again
Crow: You know, you can really tell at this point that Odysseus' audience is
asleep right now.
>straight for Charybdis.
All: Wah, wah, waaaaaaaaahhhh.
> All that night I drifted,
>and in the sunrise, sure enough, I lay
>off Scylla mountain and Charybdis deep.
>There, as the whirlpool drank the tide,
Servo makes gulping sounds.
> a billow
>tossed me, and I sprang for the great fig tree,
>catching on like a bat under a bough.
All: WHAAAAAAT??
Crow: Come on! A fig leaf over a whirlpool?
Servo: What is wrong with Odysseus *dying*?!? Jeez!
>Nowhere had I to stand, no way of climbing,
>the root and bole being far below, and far
above my head the branches and their leaves,
>massed, overshadowing Charybdis pool.
>But I clung grimly, thinking my mast and keel
>would come back to the surface when she spouted.
>And ah! how long, with what desire, I waited!
Joel: Hey, Fitzie, caps button on the fritz?
>till, at the twilight hour, when one who hears
>and judges pleas in the marketplace all day
>between contentious men, goes home to supper,
>the long poles at last reared from the sea.
Servo: So, he goes for a month without eating, and he still manages to hang
onto a branch for a whole day?!?
Mike: Servo, calm down!
Servo's head explodes.
Joel: Oh, jeez.
Joel reaches under the seat and gets a spare head.
>
>Now I let go with hands and feet, plunging
>straight into the foam beside the timbers,
>pulled astride, and rowed hard with my hands
>to pass by Scylla. Never could I have passed her
>had not the Father of gods and men, this time,
>kept me from her eyes. Once through the strait,
>nine days I drifted in the open sea
>before I made shore, buoyed by the gods,
>upon Ogygla isle. The dangerous nymph
>Calypso lives and sings there,
Joel: Oh, she writes for the sirens.
> in her beauty,
>and she recieved me, loved me.
>
Mike: So, does everyone he meets fall in mad love with him?
Servo: Bet you want to bottle what he's got, huh, Mike?
>But why tell the same tale that I told last night in hall
>to you and to your lady?
All: Yeah! End, end, end!
> Those adventures
>made a long evening, and I do not hold
>with tiresome repetition of a story."
Servo: Like with "Dawn with fingertips of rose"?
Crow: Come on, Mike, let's go!
Mike[singing]: It's over, it's over, horay!
All leave.
1...2...3...4...5...6...
SOL bridge. Joel, Mike, and the 'Bots are saying goodbye to Joel.
Crow: We'll miss you, Joel!
Servo: I'll miss you more than them, Joel!
Gypsy: Goodbye, Joel!
Joel: Listen, guys, I wnt you to remember me as I was, not the way I am now.
Servo: But..you're the same as you were.
Joel: That's not important. Look, I've got to go, goodbye!
Joel disapears bac to his time. The 'Bots start crying.
Mike: It's okay, guys.
Mads sign.
Castle Forrister
Pearl: Well, Nelson, you survived the longest, most boring story yet, but wait
till you see the next one! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Bobo comes in.
Bobo: Hey, Lawgiver! I've got an idea! We can sit and watch bad movies, too!
I've already made a theme song for our show:
In the not too distant future,
Down in an old castle,
Pearl Forrister and her-
Pearl: SHUT UP!
Pearl hits him in the jaw.
Bobo: Owwww!
(love theme)
written by: Jim Whaley
"The Odyssey" written by: Homer
translated by: Rober Fitzrerald
featuring:
Mike Nelson: Michael J. Nelson
Crow: Bill Corbett
Servo: Kenin Murphy
Gypsy: Patrick Brantseg
Also featuring:
Pearl Forister: Mary Jo Phel
Observer: Bill Corbett
Bobo: Keivn Murphy
with:
Dr. Forister: Trace Belieu
TV's Frank: Frank Coniff
Cambot: Mike Nelson
Ortega: Paul Chaplin
Joel Robinson: Joel Hodgson
No disrespect to anyone who helped in creating one of the most well-known epics
ever.
based upon: MST3K created by Joel Hodgson
All MST3K-related characters are trademarked by BBI.
special thanks to:
The cast and crew of MST3K
All you people who love to laugh
c1998 by Jim Whaley
(stinger)
Cyclops: "You are a ninny."
next on MS-FT1B:
episode 104: "The New Season" by Alison M. Fleury
SEASON FINALIE!!!!!!!
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e-mail tj...@aol.com
I repost upon request.
Jim, The Mistie
"Watch out for MOVIE SIGN!!!!!"