MSTING: Musings of an X-feminist 2
Caitlin
[Crow is on the table, with assorted wires hanging out of him.]
Crow: Mike? Mike!
[Mike enters]
Mike: Hey Crow. Reprogramming yourself again?
Crow: Mike, as much as I hate to admit it, I need your help.
Mike: Sure buddy, what's up?
Crow: Mike, it's that fanfic...
Mike: What fanfic?
Crow: The one we just read? The one where Mulder mistakes Scully for a
punching bag?
Mike: Oh, right. That one. Well, what's the question?
Crow: I just don't understand women, Mike-
Mike: Oh, I get it. You know I'm no expert on women, Crow, but I'd have to
say that the author has some issues-
Crow: Mike-
Mike: -of course the media bears some responsibility-
Crow: MIKE-
Mike: -conflicting messages and images-
Crow: MIKE!!
Mike: What?
Crow: You've been stuck in space for how long?
Mike: Five years.
Crow: Is it true that the only female you've even been near in that entire
time hates you and plots your destruction daily?
Mike: I...guess I see your point, but-
Crow: And you think I'm asking you for advice about women?
Mike: Well, weren't you?
Crow: If you'd let me finish...what I was saying, Mike, is that I don't
understand women, so I've created a program that I think will help,
but I need your operable arms to connect these two wires together.
Mike: Oh...Ok. [he connects the wires together. Crow starts to shake]
Crow! What'd I do wrong?
Crow: I-I-I ffffeeel weird-think iiits wo-wo-working...
[light flashes]
Mike: Oh, no we've got Fanfic SIGN!!!
[5...4...3...2...1...]
[Mike and the Bots file into the theater and sit down]
Mike: Are you gonna be all right, Crow?
Crow: I don't know, Mike. I feel...different...
>
>
>From: LuvSp...@aol.com
Servo: (singing) Hey LUV spenDER!
>Date: Fri, 8 Jan 1999 22:44:26 EST
>Subject: as the flame burns out
>
Mike: I realize that I need to re-fill my lighter...
>
>Date: Sat, 31 Oct 1998
Mike: Written on Halloween, that can't be good.
>From: Paran...@aol.com
>
Mike: So the story was written by a mental illness?
Crow: Beats a story written by a bra.
Servo: Or a pillow.
Crow: Or saliva.
Mike: Huh?
Servo: Don't ask.
>
>Title: The Flame Burns Out
>Author: Paranoia
Crow: Yeah, we established that.
>Rating: PG-13 (kinda graphic blood and stuff)
>Spoilers: none
Servo: Except my appetite.
>Archive: yes, please! just put my name with it.
>
Mike: No, I think I'll put Shakespeare's name on it. No one will ever
guess.
Servo: Lord what fools these characters be.
>Summary: A stakeout gone terribly wrong.... *Character death*
Crow: Boo!
Servo: Hiss!
> Disclaimer:
>I do not, repeat do not,
Crow: Ok. Do not.
> own these characters. If i did, i would be
Crow: A Fox executive.
All: (shudder)
> doing
>great things with my life. like wallowing in the sun with DD and going on
>safari's in africa and getting ebola from a monkey bite, well, not that,
>but you get the picture. Thanks for letting me borrow them Chris!
Mike: (Chris Carter) You're welcome! I'll send the lawyers tomorrow!
> And
>10-13, and DD, and GA, and.... yadda yadda yadda
>
Servo: Oh, no, it's an X-Files/Seinfeld crossover!
Crow: Can you picture a Mulder/Kramer slash fic?
Mike: Yeah...slash my wrists.
>This i dedicated to my friend Holly for putting up with all my annoying
>shit i put her through.
Crow: Holly, I'll turn off the Ricky Martin music as soon as I'm done
with this story. Heh, heh... annoying, get it?
> send comments to paran...@aol.com or
>LuvSp...@aol.com (i'm dumb and forgot how to make an email link,
>sorry!!)
Servo: Apology *un*accepted!
Mike: Servo, you know, this one was written by a different author.
Servo: Yeah, but I bet it'll be worse.
Mike: I'll take that bet.
Servo: You're on.
>
>@@@@@@@@@@
>As the Flame Burns Out
>@@@@@@@@@@
Crow: So the title is "at at at at at at at at at at As the Flame Burns
Out at at-
Servo: You can stop now.
>
>Scully watched the dark shadow about 20 feet away from her. It's
>movements
>blending in amongst the other shadows.
Crow: So could she see it or not?
>She raised her gun. It had to be him, every agent was gone from the
>area,
>digging up evidence in new areas of the warehouse. There was enough to
>cover.
Crow: I bet that's all the dirt left over from digging the plot hole.
>Plus to be wandering around alone would be plain crazy.
>But there was a twinge in her heart.
Servo: Scully's having a heart attack! Get the paddles.
Mike: Clear! (Whump)
> What if she was wrong?
Mike: (Scully) Ah, screw it. I feel like killing today, anyway.
>But if she didn't move ahead, she could be letting a madman go scotch
>free.
>And she knew David Sumner, the perpetrator supposedly hiding out here
>was
>far from sane.
Crow: Like, *miles* away from it.
> After torturing 13 children and dissembowling them, you
>couldn't
>be sane.
Mike: Before and during, sure. But not after.
Servo: He killed 13 kids? Where is Gamera when you need him?
>She watched as the figure pulled something out. Even from her distance,
>she
>seen a glint to it.
><A gun> she realized.
Crow: Wait a minute, maybe it's just his compact. Maybe he's powdering
his nose.
Mike: Yeah. Or it could be a quarter.
Servo: Piece of glass.
>That was enough reason to make her move.
Mike: No it isn't!
>"Freeze!!
Servo: (singing) Straight up, straight up!
All: Police!
> FBI!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.
>The figure whirled around,
Crow: He's doing the hokey pokey!
Mike: So it's my father at any wedding?
> in what looked like shock.
Mike: It might have been boredom.
Crow: Sometimes it's hard to tell.
> The gun still at
>hand.
>Scully aimed for the head and pulled the trigger.
Servo: Can't say I blame her. That's what I always want to do when
people hokey pokey.
> She seen the man fall
>to
>the ground.
Mike: She hear the groans of the audience.
>She ran to the fallen body-not a touch of guilt in her bones for what
>she
>did.
Servo: Scully stores all of her guilt in her muscles. It's more
efficient.
>This man deserved death and more.
Crow: So she kicked him.
> And she felt like it was equal
>justice.
Mike: Due process? Fair trial? Nah! Just shoot him!
>Scully gasped as she reached the body. It couldn't be, she pleaded to
>God,
>to Fate, to anything that could change this.
Crow: Maybe Chris Carter?
>Kneeling down over the convulsing body of her partner, she felt tears
>making
>their path down her face.
>His hands were grasping and ungrasping the surrounding air.
Servo: Quick! Get him some Charmin!
> His eyes
>searching frantically in hopes that something could change this fate of
>his.
Crow: He's just trying to get up enough strength to make one last 1-900 call...
>Blood was rapidly pooling around his head, pooling to the point where it
>started trailing to other areas.
Mike: (Scully) That's funny...usually the blood stays *in* his head.
>"Mulder" she whispered.
Servo: (Scully) Can I borrow five bucks?
>She grasped his hand, finally giving it something to grasp.
Crow: (Mulder) Thank you! That's what I need right now. Not medical
attention.
>His eyes finally settled on her, eyes that were filled with pain and
>sadness
>of being hurt and screwed so many times by others.
Mike: Right. He's mad at all the other people who've hurt him. I'm sure he's
not the least bit peeved at *you*, Scully.
>They were turning
>from
>that beautiful hazel color to a bright maroon, telling Scully without
>words there
>was no hope.
Crow: He has Mood Eyes. TM.
Servo: pssst! There's no hope. All you can do now is go through his wallet.
>She heard a gagging as he tried to get the blood from his airways.
>"I'm sorry" she cried aloud, to Mulder,
Crow: (Scully) I'm sorry OK? What do you want from me?
Servo: (Mulder) Uh, that's OK Scully, really...would you mind calling a
doctor or something? Scully?
> God, and anyone who would
>listen.
Crow: Well, *I'm* not listening.
Mike: Beep. Hi. This is God, I'm not in right now...
>Hoping she would be pitied and things would change.
Mike: Yep. Scully is the one I pity here. Not the guy with his brains
oozing out all over the sidewalk.
> Pulling his body in
>her
>lap she stroked his hair and face.
Crow: And his hairy face.
Servo: (Scully) Mulder! You is a worewilf!
>She could sense that death was close,
Mike: (Scully) Death was close. I could smell him.
> his body shaking and shivering
Mike: Rockin' and a Rollin'.
Servo: Movin' and a Groovin'.
>from
>shock, fright, and everything that went through your head as you died.
Mike: And what would that be, exactly?
Servo: In Mulder's case, I'm betting it's something like..."mummble mummble
mummble."
>In her arms, he began to jerk uncontrollably. His organs were failing on
>him. Why couldn't they try harder?
All: (laughter)
Crow: Maybe they were tired!
Mike: Yeah, they were up kinda late last night.
> They did so many other times when
>things
>happened to him.
>Scully laid there as she felt his bladder go for the last time,
Mike: Oh...my.
Crow: I could not be more disgusted right now.
>wondering if
>he could feel it, feel anything. Or if he was already gone into
>afterlife.
Servo: So...Mulder just peed on Scully from beyond the grave?
>She continued her silent and useless plead. Why did it have to end this
>way?
Mike: Well, this *is* what usually happens when you shoot someone in
the head.
>So soon?
Servo: (Scully) Couldn't he have waited until next week?
> Too many things had gotten into Fox Mulder's path and he hadn't
>let
>it beat him, destroy him?
Mike: Ummmm....No. Next question?
> He couldn't give up now, not now.
Crow: Don't say we're going to have problems, not now!
Servo: We're going to have problems, not now.
> There was so
>much more to go.
>His grip was crushing Scully's hand. Yet, both were unaware of it.
Mike: Oh, how I envy them.
>Mulder, probably not aware of anything,
Servo: Like that's so unusual.
> and Scully only aware of her
>mortal mistake.
>Then it ended.
Servo: It's over! He's dead. We can leave!
> Mulder's
All: D'Oh!
> body went slack, his grip loosened as his hand
>fell
>to the ground. His eyes rolled into the back of his skull to reveal a
>red
>nothingness.
>She laid there sobbing, still holding his body as agents rushed to the
>scene.
Mike: (Scully) A gun!
All: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Servo: These guys have great timing, huh?
>The truth, gone forever.
>
Crow: Yeah, and good riddance, too.
>End
>
Mike: No! *You* end!
>Send comments and flames to LuvSpender @aol.com or Paran...@aol.com As
>you can see, comments and flames would be appreciated, why would i put my
>address twice?
[Mike picks up Servo and they begin to file out of the theater.]
>
>
Servo: Look guys, it's the address so nice, she posted it twice.
>
>
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