[MiSTing] I-76 fanfics from hell, pt. 2

[Nate Patrin]

(6...5...4...3...2...G)

>Chapter 3

Tom: Think we'll ever get that burnt plastic smell out?
Joel: I hope so.

>RollerBall Arena Part 2

Tom: Electric Booga- oh, come on. That was too easy.

>I awake gently as the hot desert sun blares into my eyes. I look down at
my >Bloodcovered body, which was left for the vultures. I try to move my
legs but there is no >movement. I try my arms, but again, no movement.

Crow: Hey, wait a minute, this is starting to sound like Bloodrock's "DOA"!
Tom/Joel (singing): IIIIIII remem-berrrrr... we were flying alone, and hit
something in the air...

>Off to the distance i hear a soft engine roaring its way closer to me by
the second. >Louder and louder until through the dust and smoke enters a
red cavera. The car looked >familiar. I knew i had seen it around. Then it
hit me, it was cherry, Ax-Ls bitch.

Tom (as Cherry): Well, if you're going to call me that I'm not going to
save your life, nurse you back to health, help you defeat a lot of bad guys
and wind up sleeping with you!

>The engine stops. Door opens. What a site to see as i lay there in blood.
She hurrys over >to me. Out comes a .45 from her right side and is shoved
in my face. "Where is Ax-L?"

Joel: Try looking under your car, between the wheels...
Tom: Hey, wait a minute... I though Cherry preferred Glocks over .45s.
Crow: _Now_ look who's missing the story's tendency to be out of sync with
reality....

>she yells. I tell her i just woke up from a duel we had just fought.

Joel: Which thankfully took place off-screen.
Tom: Thank you, Lazarus!
Crow: And Destiny.

>She looks off to the distance and shakes her head as she lowers it, "Laz
must have gotten >to the poor soul", tears start to drip down into the
blood on my body.

Tom: Hey... Blood, Sweat and Tears!

>"What do you mean?", i ask her. "I just heard that Laz is plotting to kill
Ax-L and take >over the badlands".

Joel: Oh, wait, this isn't Lazarus narrating anymore.
Crow: Maybe this is that Density guy.
Tom: A typo well-earned.

>But then i thought to myself, wasnt them to blood? I ask her this but she
just says that >blood is nothing out in this world. She was right.

Joel (filmstrip guy voice): Actually, Cherry was wrong. Blood is a very
important part of all of us. You see, our body sees blood cells as a series
of ones and zeros...

>The only thing that mattered was 4 things: Cars, money, gas, pussy.

Crow: BAD WORD!
Tom: _Now_ you start pointing them out...

>Nothing else mattered. Men were selling there own mothers just for a
gallon of gas. To >me, i didnt care, all i wanted was Out. Move off to the
east side. Start a new life. But i >tried for many years but im still stuck
here.

Crow: Ever considered just driving East?
Joel: No, Crow, that would require logical thought.

>It was my curse that i had to live with. But i never lost hope. "Well
bitch, you going to >help me here or let me die?" i yelled at her.

Tom: (rapidly) Let 'im die, let 'im die, let 'im die...

>"Maybe there is still time to save Ax-L, i will help you."

Tom: Awww, nuts.

>She put her .45 away, dried her eyes and picked me up, boy she must work
out.

Crow (as Destiny): Then again, I only weigh 110 pounds.

>She tosses me into the back seat, turns on the engine ,and bolts it down
385.

Tom (as Cherry): Great, that viscera's gonna be hell on the upholstery...

>I wake up at break of dawn to cherrys scream as the car, speeding at 150,
is being chased >by three creepers.

Joel: Funny, I would have thought the sudden rapid increase in acceleration
brought on by the chase would have woke him up...
Crow/Tom: *It's out of sync with reality, remember?*
Joel: Oh yeah.

>I am now feeling better and i look down and all my wounds are bandaged.

Crow (as Destiny): Oh boy! I bet she saw me naked!

>I grab out my .45, which i always carried a spare strapped to my right
leg, and smash the >back windshield. BANG BANG,

Tom: (singing) Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon their heads...
Crow: Think we're stretching it with all the music refs?
Joel: You can never have too many music refs, Crow.

>2 shots blare from my .45, 2 horns blare from the distance. One more
creeper left on our >tail, cherry poping the 30 mm turret trigger blasts
the car to kingdom come.

Tom: Another riveting action sequence.

>We follow the long strip of road ahead. FInally we arrive at a diner.
Cherry jumps out of >the car and runs over to Ax-Ls car. Next to it, is
Laz's Manta.

Joel (as Destiny): We try to strike up a conversation with the cars, to no
avail.

>We hurry into the diner to find 2 men sitting at a table in the back. Its
podaar and EAF >all mangled from our previous duel.

Crow (as EAF): Big whoop, Podaar... I've died 74 times! Top that!

>"You guys seen laz or Ax-L?" Cherry ask's. Yeah they are out back shooting
at beer >cans.

Joel (old guy voice): My cans! My precious antique cans!

>As we rush to the back of diner i catch in the corner of my eye, EAF
giving me an evil >stare, moving for his .45.
>I turn around and shoot a shot right by his head, smashing the beer jug
behind him.
>"Save it for the road asshole"

Crow: Who's the "Road Asshole"?
Tom: Oh, that's the guy on I-94 who pulls onto the on-ramp at the last
second from the leftmost lane.

>as I grin and rush to the back. Startled, i run into Ax-L who has his
hands up in the air.

Joel (as Ax-L): Do the hustle!

>"Ok drop the gun prick" Laz yells out as he holds cherry with a .45 shoved
in her ear.

Crow: He's bluffing, man! He won't kill her! He wants to get with her!

>I drop it slowly. "What do you want laz?" ax-l yells in confusion. "Stop
playing games >laz, this isnt funny". Looking at his face, Ax-L knew he was
for real. "I want your lands

Tom (as Lazarus): ...End catalog! There's this really nifty parka I wanna
order.

>Ax-L, i want it all, and you arnt going to stop me. I wasthinking to
myself why didnt laz >shoot Ax-L and me? I knew why he didnt shoot Cherry,
he wanted her for later.

All: Well, DUH.

>But right then, Laz finished my thought. "Wheres the pink slip to your
car, Ax-L?" It the >accured to me that laz always was jealous of Ax-Ls
Ride, and he wanted it bad.

Crow: Why? It's a Pacer!

>But then it hit me. "Ok laz you want his lands and his car?

Tom (as Lazarus): Yew catch on quick, junior.

>You are going to fight me and Ax-L in the rollerball arena, and your
little weasel friend >in there can join you!"

Joel: Hey, hey, they prefer to be called 'mustelid-Americans'.

>With a grin on his face, realizing that he had dominated the previous
Duel, He accepted >the challenge. All 6 of us drive off to the Zen arena.

Crow: There we contemplated the complexity of life and our inner being
while chanting mantras.

>Ax-L hands podaar the pink slip and podaar drives off to the regen bunker.
Were the >winner will drive off to and get it from Podaar. Cherry joins
him. Me and Ax, set up, >adjusting our semi-wrecked cars

Joel: Semi-wrecked?
Tom (as Ax-L): Dammit, Destiny, I told you not to tailgate that 18-wheeler!

>and then break ready for what could be the end of our lives.

Crow: Or what would be the end of their lives if they didn't keep
regenerating themselves.

>I didnt care, nor wanted to, but i owed Ax-L one from before where he
saved my life but >i was left with this long ugly scar on my face.

Joel (as Destiny): Good God, I'm ugly... he should have let me die...

>EAF and Laz reve their engines, with grins from one ear to the other,
laughing at us.

Tom: Uh-oh, Lazarus is laughing. Something really gratuitously violent and
sick is gonna happen.

>Podaars horn Honks, thats the signal. Guns blare from left to right, as me
and ax-L split >up, each chasing our opponent to the opposite end. EAF runs
like mad, Like i thought he >would, but turns around quick to let out 3
bolts to my side door with his nasty cannon >turret.

Joel: Nasty cannon turret? Is there any other kind?
Crow: Well, they can be fun, too. So can mortars.
Joel: Yeah, I noticed.

>I hear a loud laugh.

All: STOP LAUGHING!

>My face turns red, Now its personal. I hit reverse, skid around the deadly
spike that was >in my way, 3 blows launch over to EAFs car, Smash , he hits
a spike. His engine is off, >and i have no weapons to use on him except my
salvaged Dr. Rs and a turret cannon.

Tom: Oh, is that *all*?

>Beep, a my radar show a poor little creeper directly in front of me. I
take my right hand >and move it to the dr .R trigger. Slowly i take aim,
shut my eyes, sun blaring, engines >roaring,

Joel: Plot crumbling...
Tom: Audience cringing...
Crow: English teachers vomiting...

>I here a loud explosion, deafining all other sounds. The noise clears, i
open my eyes, >nothing in front of me, nothing on radar.

Tom (Boss Hogg voice): Hoo-ee! I done vaporized his be-hind!

>Smash, a hood of car lands behind me in the distance.

Crow (as Sybill from 'The Magic Sword'): Hood of car, wheel of bus, take
this fanfic far from us!

>I grin and drive off to check on Ax-L.

Joel: He's parked at the 7-11 reading an issue of "CarToons".

>As i drive around a patch of mountain, higher then it looked, Ax-L comes
onto the CB, >"Watch my ass as i head over to the Regen bunker, Laz is on
my tail. I Smash the gas >pedal and hit my nitros to fly over a broken down
bridge.

Tom: Is this the point where we go 'yee-ha'?
Joel: Uh, I don't know.
Crow: I don't _care_.

>I come over the patch of mountain to see laz chasing of Ax-L to the regen.
I blare a Dr. >R over to him, but smart as he always was ,shuts down his
engine. Good, i have him >stalled while Ax-L gets regened. He turns around
quickly to fire a load of AimNien >missle's right up my ass. Only one hits,
doing damage to my front armor.

Tom: Uh, if he fired them up Destiny's ass, wouldn't they do damage to his
/rear/ armor?
Crow: Personally I think he's ass-backwards.
Tom: Like the rest of this fanfic...

>We circle around each other while we fire cannon shots, not one hitting
each other. Ax-L >is repaired. "He is mine Dest, go get cherry and my slip
and get out of here Now!"

Joel (as Ax-L): And get me a Mr. Pibb while you're at it!

>Ax-L yells of through the CB. I turn around and drive up the side of
mountain. Hit the >gas, i hit the jump and land perfectly next to podaar.

Crow: Sadly, there was a cute little puppy dog standing next to Podaar
and... (Joel clamps a hand over Crow's beak.)

>There he sits with Cherry and the pink slip. " Get in guys, were getting
out of here!" I >yell to them. "no, im not leaving Ax-L" Cherry screams.

Crow: Well, she could leave Ax-L for Destiny or Lazarus, only Lazarus is
just about dead and- hey! This isn't an action-packed car-chase fanfic!
This is a soap opera!

>Podaar pulls his .45 and knocks out cherry with the end of handle.

Tom (as Podaar): Podaar sez knock you out!

>He grabs her unconsious body, the pink slip, and gets into the back. "now
how the fuck >we get down dest?" Podaar asks. "watch and learn" i crank out
the curb feelers and >nitros together and fly down the side of mountain,
letting the feelers go.

Crow: Watch, I bet their ragtop's gonna pop out and act as a parachute...
Joel: No, it's been done... remember Pee-Wee's big Adventure?
Crow: Well, yeah. (pause) This is a lot less realistic.

>We hit hard, but not hard enough. We drive off to the far end to await the
out come. 30 >minutes pass, an hour goes by, still nothing on radar nor
binoculars or CB.

Tom: You'd think at the rate people get killed in this fanfic it'd happen a
lot quicker...

>Beep, Beep.

Crow: Stupid roadrunner!

>The radar detects. Out comes from the corner a smoking cloud of dust and
debree, with >a metal object rolling slowly towards us. I couldnt tell who
it was, but my Dr. Rs were >locked and ready for disaster. TO no avail, it
was Ax-L as the car got closer, covered in >mud, i saw the expression on
Ax-Ls Face. I knew we where even now. I drive off into >the distance having
left all 3 of them, the pink slip and badlands, off to beat my curse and
>get out of the southwest.

Tom: Uh........... okay. That was a deus ex machina ending for ya.
Joel: Actually, Tom, I don't think this one involves Hamdingers.
Crow: Yeah. Uh, too bad that, uh, escape pod failed so, er, you'd be here
with us today, and, uh, nothing that happened after we saw "Mitchell"
really existed.
Joel: Yeah, it was all a dream! Like "Robot Monster".
Crow: Or "Dynasty".
Tom: Same difference.

>Chapter 4

Tom: Ooo, is this the one where Mister Toad gets into a lot of car wrecks?
Joel: Actually, Tom, I don't think "Wind in the Willows" has as much
profanity and fiery explosions.
Crow: Eh. Personally my favorite chapter in that book's "The Piper at the
Gates of Dawn".
Tom: This fanfic, on the other hand, is a "Momentary Lapse of Reason".
Joel: Uh, enough with the delays, guys, the sooner we start this chapter,
the sooner we finish, right?
Tom/Crow: Awww...!

>The Bi-Killathon

Tom: Now going on at Tousley Subaru, White Bear Lake!

>I woke up in a hard bed in a dark room with a must smell to it.

Crow (as Lazarus): Hrm, that weasel musta been here. Whoo-ee!

>I yawned sitting up and smiled as I saw teh lucious figure of the one whom
I loved most >sitting a couple feet away from me.

Joel: Uh-oh... I don't think you guys should see this.
Crow: But the violence is just fine for our tender young eyes, huh Joel?

> "So your awake?" She smiled softly, but I could see a saddness in her
eyes. "yeah I >guess so.., Head hurts like a bitch thoe..." She laughed a
little, but her eyes teared up and >she started crying and dropped to her
knees letting her head fall onto my chest

Tom (as Cherry): Damn it, they never should have cancelled 'Manimal'!

>"he's gon Laz. Ax-L left!" She growled her womanly growled and hit me hard
accros the >face and pounded on my chest " hey hey hey"

Crow: Oh no! Now they're dragging Fat Albert into this!

>I caught her arms and looked at her glare " Why are you doing this?" "
BECAUSE ITS >YOUR FAULT YOU BASTARD!, You couldn't take that he and I were
toghher. So >and EAF had to try that stupid little stunt of yours. And
Thank God Destiny showed up.

Joel (As Lazarus): Oh damn, you read Chapter one, didn't you?!

>You son of a bitch." I looked at her innocently and grinned as I started
to laugh. Its part >of our plan Sweets...Ax will be back. he's taking a
vacation. Destiny is alone no and I >have a chance to take out that
asshole. "Why Laz? what did he do?" I looked into >Cherry's soft hazel eyes
and quitely said " Nothing, yet."

Tom (as Lazarus): But he might egg my house. I heard about it in health
class from Eddie Gunderson.

>The desert air was hot and muggy, nothing for sight in miles. Just a
shack, and Cherry's >little red Cavera. I wondred where my Manta was, and
guessed in a chop shop >somewhere. No matter, I knew she'd have a spare
around the place somewhere.

Crow: Yeah, everyone has an extra top-of-the-line, heavily-armed sports car
laying around somewhere gathering dust.

>"Where is Destiny right now Cherry?" She came out of the shack wearing
tight jean >cuttoffs and a white shirt, sleavless and tied at her belly
showing her tan abs.

Tom: (hums the 'Charlie's Angels' theme)

> " He's off at some Tournoment Zaphod is hosting. Its the Bi somthing or
other." "

Joel: The Bi-Cranial Beeblebrox Hitchhiker's Guide Tournament and Towel
Expo?

>Killa-Thon." She looked at me surprised and then the look died down. " Oh
yeah, he's >from the Squad isn't he? Not your department thoe. As a matter
a fact, last I heard. You >were the Only Mod Squad Member on the Demolition
Team. Yeah I know him. I have >to get to that Tournoment. I don't want to
take your Cavera, got anything else around?

Tom: A few quotation marks, perhaps?

>She grinned her Evil Cherry Grinn and walked backinto the house. I wondred
what I had >to do to get it.

Joel: Ooooo! She makes everything seem so DIR-ty!

>I walked back in happy to be in the cool darkness and looked around for
her. " Cherry, >you gotta get some windows, or at least a light in
here..It's pitch bla..." I felt her teeth >touch my ear and move slowely
down my neck and slowely turned around kissing her

All: NOOOOO!
Tom: Oh man, I thought the 'Mitchell' lovemaking scene was disturbing...
Crow: At least the sex scenes are about as detailed as the action scenes.

>softly "the tournoment isn't for another couple of hours...I want you for
my self, Officer." >I grinned softly at that resting back on the makeshift
couch and endulged in my cousins >girlfriend. We made love for what seemed
like years. But then it had to stop someday, as >Somone knocked on the
door.

Joel: This is the Gratuitous Sex Scene Police! Open up, we can hear you
fornicating in there...

>I jumped up and grabbed her glock and mine from the table they were on and
walked to >the door. " Who is it?"

Crow: Candygram...

>I waited for an answer but got none. Suddenly I heard a shot ring out and
the figure at >the door fell against it. "shit...Cherry you sta..." She was
gone.

Tom: And some insensitive bastard had taken her gun, leaving her completely
defenseless!

>I growled and kicked the door open hoping to find just a body and a
rifleman but bit my >lip when I saw 4 guys with nice cars sitting with 4
guns on me.

Joel (as Lazarus): And I was naked!

> I jumped backinside the house and hit the ground. "fucking GOM's this is
not the time >for there damn games. " I grabbed two of my paintball pistols
from my coat

Crow: *Paintball*? He set this all up for a fame of *paintball*? (He starts
to sob)
Joel: There, there... it'll be over soon. I think.

>and ran out the door flipping forward and rolling as I took shots at the
first one, >GreyBeard.

Tom: Unfortunately for Lazarus, GreyBeard was wearing his paintproof vest.

>I hoped to hit him but missed and they jumped behind there cars shooting
yellow pellets >at me as I dodged behind the house.

Crow (as Lazarus): My God, help me! I'm gonna dieee!
Tom: Uh, hey, Crow, that's just paint...
Crow: Yeah, but this is the '70s. That paint probably has lead in it! It
could kill him... well, slowly.

>I dropped my clip and slipped up on the roof and slowly aimed at the
unsuspecting GoM >that had come out from cover. I squeezed the trigger and
hit went down sighing and >getting back in his car. 1 more for the AvA.

Joel: Yeaaaah! Eat Sherwin Williams, punk!

>I rolled as Greybeard thru a Paint grenade on the roof almost getting me
and jumped >down firing guns together at them. It did no use as tehy still
hid. "cowards" I ran

Tom (singing): I ran so far awaaaaaaay...

>and jumped up on the hood of one of the cars and did a reverse forward
tuck off it >landed with my guns to one of their backs and pulled the
triggers six times each >emptieing the clips. " Oooo that's gotta hurt."

Joel: Oh, yeah, those painballs really give you some nasty contusions.

>I reloaded and turned right into grebeareds paintball shotgun. "oh
fuck..." He grinned as >he squeezed the trigger and *BOOM* red paint
everywhere.

Crow: Uh, that's not paint...
Tom: Ick.

>I looked up laughing as I saw Cherry with a shotgun of her own and
GreyBeard, turning >to RedBeard. "Nice Try Grey...gonna have to do better
then that to get us youngins."

Crow (as GreyBeard): Ohhhh, heh heh. Next time we come with live ammo, ya
little brat.

>I laughed as I walked back to the shack with Cherry and slipped back under
the covers >noting I only had 3 more hours until I had to get ready.

Joel: Hey, it's the Love Shack!
Tom: Uh, you two might wanna take a shower first...

>We got close and wrapped our arms around each other. It was going to be a
long night >and I had to get a littel sleep before the tourny. She smiled
as we driffted off into sleep

Crow: Agh, they might have sex again! Change the subject, quick!

>together. I drempt of death and destruction, my death, my destruction.

Crow: Much better.

>I was in my manta flipped over and could smell the gas leaking. I knew
death was >coming, this was the end and I knew I had to die with my car. I
looked up and saw her >beautiful face and reached out to touch her hand as
she reached to me. They met in warm >embrace and suddenly I was pulling her
to me in a large house and three childrenn ran >by. Out of instinct I
yelled after them " Don't Run in the House Guys" I was dressed in a
>buisness suit and had my breifcase in hand. I kissed her goodbye and
stepped out the >door.

Crow: Uh...
Joel: Y...eah.
Tom: What the *hell* was that?!
Crow: I think it was a... er... view of Lazarus' tender loving family side.
Joel/Tom: Yaah!

>I sat straight up inbed, cold sweat pooring down my face. "Jesus, I can't
do that, I'm a >Vigilante, not a father."

Crow (as Lazarus): I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Tom: Er, actually, Crow, fighting's all he's done in the past
three-and-a-half chapters.

>I got out of bed and woke her up with my own special way.

Joel (as Cherry): Ack! No, not the cattle prod again...

>"I have to go, where's the other car? I know you always have two." She
laughed and got >out of bed and kneeled down in her closet pulling a
trapdoor. "Oh jesus, it's under the >shack?"

Crow: Keen, she's got a Batcave!

>She smiled and nodded as she climbed down into the dark tunnle, and hit a
power >switch lighting the way. It was a lovly piece of work.

Tom (as Lazarus): In fact, it was the single most gorgeous lightswitch I'd
ever seen... the pinnacle of the electrician's art.

>I loved Palaminos more then my Manta, and loved what I saw on it. I had
duel morter >launchers on the bottem. I grinned as she gave me the keys and
kissed my softly pushing >me back on the hood wanting more " Cherry...I
really gotta go..

Joel (as Lazarus): I... I don't think you understand, I'm not like other
guys...

>We'l have time when I get back. I promise" She pouted and kissed my once
more and I >slipped inthe car and turned the key loving the sound of the
SHO V-8 Growl loudly as if >complaining I had woke it.

Crow (as the car): Dammit, get out of me! You'll bleed all over my
upholstery!

>I started going and stoppin 3rd gear not wanting to kill myself before I
got out of this >tunnle.

Joel: Yeah, I can see why that'd be embarrassing.

>After 20 minutes of driving, I saw daylight ahead and let my self go
accelerating up to >around 120 mph, I kept it there as I drove for the
light. "OH SHIIIIIIITTTTTTTT" I >had neglected to notice that the light was
up in the corner. And I was going over a ramp >to get out. The car landed
smoohtly and I was surprised and grinned knowing I had full >chaiissee
support and Ex-Rally shocks.

Tom: Uh, Joel... I know there were several _dozen_ things wrong with those
last few sentences that could be riffed on, and I know you called no
spelling jokes, but,... *what the hell is a "chaiissee"*?!!
Joel: If I knew, Tom, I'd tell you.

>The road was deserted and I kept the car at around 150 mph as I drove for
the RaceFans >RaceTrack. I yawned as I finally saw it and pulled in
grinning seeing my buddy SinnKat >there already with Zaphod. " Well look
what the kat dragged in, I heard you got smoked >by Destiny and Ax."

Crow (as Lazarus): Yeah, baby- smoked like a blunt, maaaaan! Woowoo!

>I laughed grinning as I got out of my car and walked over to him. "No,
just knocked >unconcious, But Cherry helped my afterwords. Where Is
Destiny?" " He's off practicing >somewhere, you want in the tourny?"

Tom (as Lazarus): Sure, gotta pad out the story for a few more pages...

> I nodded and let him inspect my car grinning as it was $600 less then the
maximum >cost. "Ok your in, your in race 1 with Stingray and BossHog.

Joel: How much you wanna bet Boss Hogg misses the jump?

>I nodded and got into the car a nd went to my race and nodded to my pal
Stingray and >put the car in neutrle idling it and redlined it. Sinn Called
the count 3... 2... 1... GO!!!

Crow (as Lazarus): And we all went really really fast and banged into each
other and I won THE END!

>And I was off, they were both using nitros, but I didn't mind, I knew
about the hairpin at >the end of the drag strip. I was right, they both
crashed into the sidewalls and I passed >them grinning as I went for the
glory. The race was won eventually BossHog, but he >slammed into the end
wall, dieing, so Stinger and I took 1st and 2nd, it was a lucky >happening.
We were set up against each other and Stinger was a little reluctent and
>scared knowing the devistating power of me and my morters.

Crow: (annoyed) Oh, you and your mortars... gah.
Joel: Of course, I think Stinger's _really_ scared because he's completely
unarmed.
Tom: Yes, Stinger was unprepared and so he had to face... Death in the
Desert.

>He tried his hardest but our match was won 3-0 in around 5 minutes by me.
His car was >totaled from the Morter Blows, but luckly my pal was alive. He
smiled and smacked me >on the back wishing me good luck. I nodded and went
bakc to the racefans arena.

Joel: You know, I'm starting to think this guy cares less about what
exactly happened than the fact that he just went out and kicked a lot of
peoples' asses.

>Destiny came back after around 45 minutes announcing he had won and lined
up >glancing over at the car. He Had no Idea who it was, and didn't know he
would die on >this course.

Crow: Well, there goes the last shred of suspense right there...

>Zaphod did the count down from 5, 4 3 2 1 GO and once again we were off,
he used >Nitros and I did the same taking him in the turn at the end of the
drag strip, but he kept >up somehow, I suspected he had less armour on that
then I had. And we drove against >eachother pushing and nudging until I
pulled ahead.

Tom: I've seen games of Pole Position more riveting than this!

>Suddenly behind my I heard a loud crash and Zaphod announced Destiny was
out of the >race and I grinned as I pulled on the parking break and drove
straight for where I had >last seen his ClydsDale.

Joel (as Lazarus): Oh, and this is the part where he dies, right here,
check this out, everybody!

>He was there, trying to get out I could hear Sinn's engine roar as he made
hsiw way >throuhg the course to get to Him.

Crow: He capitalized 'Him'?
Joel: Oh, great, he stopped racing and went to find Jesus.

>I grinned pulling out my glock as I stepped out of the car.

Tom (as Lazarus): Say hel-lo to my little fren'!

>Destiny screamed "NO NO NO Come on Lazarus, you know it was for Ax-L and
>Cherry. Please..." I shook my head and kneeled down gun to his head. "You
look like >your in pain man. I grinned as I pulled the trigger holstering
it before Sinn got back. "He >begged me to Sinn, He said someone was going
to kill him if he lost. So I did."

Crow: If we beg to you, can you kill us, too? PLEASE?

>Sinn nodded and told me to go to the end so Zaphod could get some pics of
the race

Joel: And some autopsy photos...

>and I nodded driving back and did the pics. I laughed and had a few beers
with my >friends and told them I had to get back to Cherry. I hugged
mybuddies goodbye and got >in the car

Tom (as Lazarus): And, being stone drunk, I drove off the cliff and
plummeted to my death!
Crow: Yeah, good thing he just hit the space bar and reincarnated himself.

>She was there when I returend smiling that I was back and alive she ran
out hugging and >kissed me pushing me abck on the car pullin the shirt from
my chest and slowely was >making her way down to my pants.

All: NOOOOO!

>I guessed no one was going to be in the middle of no where at night and
let her. We had >fun that night making love and then slipping into a hot
bath together.

Joel: This is depressing... it's 1976 and there's a lot of sex scenes, but
not one mention of Barry White.
Tom: Yeah, well, I think these are the kinds of people who make out to
"Careful With That Axe, Eugene".

>We slept in each others arms glocks at our sides, saftys off.

Joel: Watch, I bet the phone rings and Lazarus picks up the gun thinking
it's the receiver and he shoots himself in the neck.
Tom: This fanfic has to be the single most compelling argument for gun
control this decade.

>We knew what would happen if Ax found us, and We knew we would have to do
what >we would have to do if it came to that.

Crow: Like, kick his ass and stuff.
Joel: Ugh. Let's get out of here...
Tom: For Red Dawn Rising, this is Tom Servo saying, as you drive down that
dusty road remember to stop and kill a few close friends. Thank you and God
Bless.

(they exit...)
(G...1...2...3...4...5...6)

(Interior, SOL. They all look extremely weary, except for Gypsy, who- bless
her soul- didn't have to go through that... /thing/.)

Gypsy: Hey guys, how'd the movie go?
Tom: Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. I think we just barely survived _that_
one... it was like the first fifteen minutes of "Manos", only with guns and
cursing.
Crow: Yeah... one more ludicrous typo or vague, two-sentence car chase and
I woulda headed right for the airlock. How about you, Joel? Uh, Joel?

(Cambot pans over to Joel, who's looking at the Hexfield. On the screen is
what appears to be a Russian Cosmonaut floating around outside the ship.)

Joel: Uh, hello there...
Cosmonaut: Da, da, hello. I come to deliver plutonuim.
Crow: What? What are you talking about? We didn't order any plutoni... wait
a minute. (They all look at Tom)
Tom: You know, I was trying to tell you guys before... uh... _we're_ the
satellite that's supposed to carry that payload to Jupiter.
Cosmonaut: Da! Where I put this?
Gypsy: Uhh, just dump it in Servo's room with his underwear collection.
Tom: What? Hey, no, that's no- agh! You- errrrrrgh... you know that stuff's
gonna turn me into a giant hideous mutation that flies around with the aid
of fiery jets and causes Japanese boys in little short pants to yell,
"There goes Servo! Friend to all children!"
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Uh, sorry, kinda lost it there. What's on 'Dateline' tonight?
Joel: Nothing. It was pre-empted for the Brandon Tartikoff funeral. What do
you think, sirs?

(Deep 13. Frank is standing there, sort of quivering and looking pathetic.
Dr. F shakes his head.)

Dr. F: You amaze me, Robinson. You also disgust, annoy and disturb me,
though, so we're even. Maybe next time I'll try to find a Quake fanfic...
at least Interstate '76 has a plot to begin with. Push the button, Frank.
Frank: Button? No button... button bad. Button _hurt_. (whimpers) Dr. F:
(rolls his eyes) Feeeeh. You want to do something right, you have to do it
yours- AACK! *bzzzzzt*...

\ | /
- o -
/ | \

(we hear a lot of electric snapping and popping sounds over fade...)
Frank: See? Button hurt!

(Credits roll)

Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and merchandise
are copyright 1997 (or in this case, earlier than that), Best Brains, Inc.
(Ya, they're from Minnesota, just like Husker Du and Paul Molitor!) This
MSTing is not authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone, not even the
Pope. It is not intended as an attack on anyone's beliefs, although some
writing skills are definitely called into question. This MSTing is not
meant as a personal attack on Eric Flanders, Lazarus or Destiny- sure, they
stink at writing, but I suck at I-76 multi-melee so I guess we're even.
Interstate '76 and its characters (none of which are mentioned here
anyways) as well as the neato fake car names they made up are copyright
Activision, those kewl dudes that brought the world 'Pitfall' and I think
the 'Journey: Escape' video game (I'm not sure). This article may be freely
distributed as long as this notice remains intact. Feedback can be given to
patr...@tc.umn.edu but I advise you keep the flames to a minumum- reading
this baby over and over has been enough punishment. This MSTing copyright
Nate Patrin, 1997.
=========================================================
>I laneded perfectly on the platform and pushed the button on my wheel
color coated >black for destruction and blew the liveing fuck out of the
leperechan sitting there and >waitin to die.