[MISTED][SM] "Disguised Love"
YHS Richard Yocum
This is my first MiSTing. I hope you enjoy it. I've used this
as kind of a tribute to all of you whose MiSTings I've enjoyed. I
haven't tried to match personalities to MiSTing styles, so please
don't be offended if I have you making a comment you wouldn't
ordinarily make. Anyway, enjoy.
The Redemption of Ratliff
A MiSTing by
Richard Yocum (ray...@mindspring.com)
Editing and Additional Riffs by
Matt Blackwell
"Thanx, Matt."
Original story
"Disguised Love"
by
Jesse Berden
The chartered bus wound its way through the side streets of
Minnesota. The October sky was gray and drizzly, but it seemed like
nothing could quell the bright spirits of the bus' occupants. For the
past few days (daze?) they had been attending the First Annual RATMM
Convention in beautiful downtown Willmar (all the big cities were
full) and they were now on their way to tour the place where it all
started - the studios of KTMA. The mood on the bus was jovial and the
riders broke out into sporadic sing-a-longs to such memorable
favorites as "When I Held Your Brain in My Arms" and "The Side Hacker
Song". And, of course, they were amusing themselves by riffing the
street signs and
billboards they passed.
[Michael Neylon] "Stop Ahead?! The rest of your body can just keep
moving."
They were tired and the jokes were getting pretty lame, but they
were all in one of those moods where they didn't really need something
funny to make them laugh, just an excuse.
Suddenly, a section of the gray sky began to glow with a purple
luminescence. A beam of light erupted from the cloud cover and
enveloped the bus in its purple gleam. A gasp escaped from the riders
as the bus was lifted from the road and accelerated toward the clouds.
The driver got on the intercom and attempted to calm the befuddled
riders.
[Driver] "Please, remain calm."
[WereTorgo] "Doesn't that assume we were calm to begin with?"
[Driver] "We seem to be experiencing some...uh...turbulence. Please
remain in your seats."
[Diana Lisky] "Wow. They must have hired this guy right out of
Aeroflot."
The bus rose high above the city and soon it disappeared into the
clouds. Their view out the windows was entirely obscured. They could
feel the bus stop its ascent, and felt the bump as it obviously came
to rest on some surface.
[Bryan Lambert] "Oh, great. I just know they're going to probe my
anus."
[Michael Neylon] "No good. That line was done in "MST3K: The Movie"
[Brian Lambert] "Oh, sorry."
The mist began to clear around the bus revealing a large,
metal-walled docking bay. No one stirred from their seat as they
gazed around the room looking for some clue as to what they were doing
there. A very secure looking door was on the wall to the right of the
bus. A large semi-reflective window was on the wall directly in
front. They all assumed they were being observed through that two-way
mirror.
[Senor Kirneh] "All I can think now is, 'What would Han Solo do?'"
[A,A,M&K] "Probably gripe about Goldenrod, and then get into a fight
with Leia."
Soon they heard the hiss of a gas jet. They looked around for the
source of the noise, but couldn't find it. Though there was no smell,
they could feel the effect of the gas and began to get drowsy.
One-by-one they passed out in their seats.
Slowly, their minds began to clear, and they woke up. Their heads
hurt with the aftereffects of the gas, and they all felt like they
were wearing little socks on their teeth. In short, they were hung
over.
As their grip on consciousness tightened, they began to realize
their predicament. They were seated in a kind of theater, but instead
of the usual uncomfortable, Gummy Bear-smeared seats usually found in
a theater, they were securely strapped into what appeared to be
twenty-third century electric chairs. By straining their heads as far
to the side as they could, they could just see the people to either
side of them. They were frightened, but trying to keep calm in this
horrible situation. At the front of the "theater" where the screen
should have been was a projector of some sort with myriad wires and
hoses leading from it to various receptacles in the wall behind it.
Coming out of the front of the projector were smaller wires that lead
to the top of each electric chair. The RATMM fans held captive could
only wonder at what horror this diabolical machine would inflict upon
them, but even their wildest fear fell short of the terror of the
truth.
A few minutes passed. A quick roll call made sure all of the
MiSTies present and fully awake. The door at the front of the theater
opened and in walked four oddly dressed individuals. The first was a
girl wearing a white sailor outfit, much like those popular as
Japanese school uniforms, then followed a squirrelly man carrying a
cat, a man in Star Trek uniform, and a large, surly-dressed man. They
lined up at the front and faced the captive audience. The girl in the
sailor outfit stepped forward and addressed the group.
[Crystal Knight] "I guess you're wondering why I've called you all
here. Hahahahaha!"
[EA Karras] "Oh great, we've been kidnapped by Henny Youngman."
[Crystal Knight] "Quiet!"
The girl stepped to the projector and pressed a red button. The
audience screamed out in pain, as the entire length of
"Monster-a-Go-Go" was blipverted directly into their brains in 10
seconds.
[RofK] "Please, for the love of God, no more!"
[Crystal Knight] "Very well, but keep in mind that I now have 'Prince
of Space' queued up and ready to run if you don't behave. Now, where
was I...oh, yeah. Hahahaha! I am Crystal Knight. I'm sure you have
heard of me."
The light of recognition and the sudden realization of their danger
dawned upon the Misties. They began to squirm uncomfortably in their
seats.
[Crystal Knight] "With me here is Oscar Allias, David Gonterman, and
Dr. Von Doom. We are the writers who write merely for the love of our
characters...."
**IIRC, Oscar only has one 'L' in his last name. I'd double-check this
against one of Megane's mistings, just to be sure.
[Catherine Johnson] "In Oscar's case, that's literally true."
The Misties screamed out in pain as Crystal Knight pressed the button
again, sending the next horrible movie directly into their heads.
[Andrew Foltz] "Hey, can you send us 'Mitchell' next?"
[Captain Bungie] "No! 'Time of the Apes'!"
[David Connor] "Hey! I want to see 'Girlstown'!"
[Mighty Jack] "Anything by Roger Corman!"
[Van Doom] "SHUT UP! <mumbled> Lousy sado-masochists..."
[Crystal Knight] "Now, let's try that again. We are the ones who
write merely for the love of our characters and the joy of writing.
[Cronan Thompson] "Not to mention the conquest of the world."
[Mike TX] "No, Pearl's not here."
[Jeff Myers] "Too bad."
[Crystal Knight] "For years we have endured the ridicule of you
MiSTies who seem to think that a good story is nothing more than plot,
characterization, and continuity."
[Dave Rust] "Don't forget speling."
[Steven Savage] "And shall not have been forgetting irregular verb
tenses."
[Eric Schepers] "And the way the lemons brutalize women, you stupid
b*tch."
[Patrick Shaughnessy] "And..."
[Crystal Knight] "I get it! We've lived through hell listening to
your little comments. I am Sailor Fanfic, and in the name of Fanfic
writers everywhere I WILL PUNISH YOU!"
[Michael Neylon] "I don't get it. How were you able to do all of
this? What exactly is going to happen to us?"
[Crystal Knight] "We have a leader, a man who has gathered fanfic
writers from around the globe and worked out a perfect plan for
raining justice upon you. He will explain the process to you.
With that the lights dimmed. The door to the theater opened once
again and smoke eerily billowed from the opening. A light in the
adjacent room backlit the figure stepping through the door as he moved
into the theater like an eery specter.
[Sizer-chan] "Racer X?"
[Snuf] "Shane, you've come back!"
At first, the MiSTers could not make out his features, and fear
gripped their hearts. The lights in the theater slowly came up and
they finally were able to identify the horrifying figure before them.
Panic ensued.
[All] "Stephen Ratliff!?"
[Stephen Ratliff] "That's right. It's me. For years, I and others
like me have taken your abuse, suffered your scorn, and writhed under
the oppressive smell of your ridicule. But, now I say enough! No
longer will we sit idly by as you chew our hearts in your teeth and
spit them upon the stone-cold floor."
[Michael Neylon] "What are you going to do to us? We're held captive
here, and couldn't possibly get away. Why don't you gloat over our
predicament, explain your entire plan, and then laugh diabolically?"
[Stephen Ratliff] "Well, I'm glad you asked."
[Michael Neylon] "Don't mention it."
[Stephen Ratliff] "We have labored over these stories. We have poured
our very souls into them."
[Sailor Starlove] "Is that what that smell is? I thought it was
something else."
[Stephen Ratliff] "We know they are good stories, and now you too will
know. We are going to make you sit here and read our fanfics until
you acknowledge them as the marvels of western literature that they
are. I don't care if it takes years; you will bow to me! Hahahahah!"
[Ashley Jhonen] "You won't get away with this, Ratliff. I don't care
what horrible torture devices you've concocted, I won't read your
cheesy fanfics."
[Harold Jessman] I will!
[Aaron Thall] Me too!
[Cronan Thompson] Dibs!
[David Thurston] Hey, I called it first!
[Ashyley Jhonen] "Come on guys, you're supposed to be helping us try
to get out of this."
[Stephen Ratliff] "Ah, but you don't have a choice, my captive friend.
You see this device before me, which was invented by my wife Marrissa,
does more than blipvert bad movies when you misbehave."
[Maya Tigan] "Does it slice.."
[Seth Triggs] "..dice.."
[Mike TX] "..and chop?"
[Lauren Urban] "Can I use it to make Julian Fries?"
[Valeria] "Will it cook a ten pound turkey in under ten minutes?"
[Amanda Van Rhyn] "Does it come in blue?"
[Stephen Ratliff] "Well..uh, yes actually. But that's not important
right now! It creates a holographic image of the fanfic and projects
it into a subspace wave distorter. An anti-partical modulator then
aligns the subspace hologram and tunes it directly to the
electroencephalographic data now being collected via the fixtures
placed on your head. The projector collects this data, mixes it and
creates a feedback loop directly into your cerebral cortex. You will
experience the fanfic directly, without the complicated process of
having to read it.
[All] (Stunned silence)
[Ashley Jhonen] "You know, we may not have much to worry about after
all."
[Reverand Exekiel Impurity Wadd] "I nominate that speech for a Golden
Hamdinger for 'Worst Techno-babble'!"
[Michael Neylon] "All in favor say, 'Aye'."
[All] "Aye!"
[Michael Neylon] "All opposed, same sign."
[Stephen Ratliff] "Aye."
[Michael Neylon] "The 'Aye's' have it.
[Michael Wallen] "Wait a minute, which one?"
[Roland Warner] "I understand Visene will help with that."
[Stephen Ratliff] "Fools! No longer will I tarry here. You will read
these fanfics until you acknowledge that you love them. Now, prepare
for your first story. A Sailor Moon bit written by one of my friends.
Enjoy. Oscar, push the button."
[All] "Ahhh, we've got fanfic sign!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>Author Note- This is when Prince Endymion or Darien and Princess
>Serenity or Serena meet.
[WereTorgo] "That's quite the love..uh..quadrange? This looks like a
great Jerry Springer show."
[Jim Whaley](as Jerry) "Hyperborean royalty who meet their foreign
dubbed counterparts and get in fist fights, all this week on
Springer."
> It's during the Silver Millenium. Tuxedo Mask
>and Sailor Moon are in this story also.
[Jen White] "So this story contains not only Prince Endymion, Darien,
Princess Serenity and Serena, but also Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon. I
wonder if Mamoru and Usagi are going to show up."
[Craig Whyte] "Sartre would have a field day with this."
[Glen Williams] "'All About Eve 2: The Day the Senshi Met Themselves'"
>Disguised Love
>By: Jesse Berden
> Beep! Beep! Beep! "Whaa!"
[YOPEZYO] "Believe me, we feel the same way"
> Serena popped her head up
[Matt Blackwell] "She's a Pez dispenser *and* a superheroine!"
> from under
[Juliet Youngren] "...the bed, where she hid from those scary
monsters."
>the covers and grabbed her communicator. Luna, who had been
>kicked off the bed
[CultofTS] "..for eating crackers.."
> muttered
[Kevin Ramsey](as Yosemite Sam) "Rackem Frackem rickem rackem
long-eared galoot!"
> "I need to get one of those luxurious kitty beds". Hey
>guys! What's up? Serena stuttered into the communicator. The voice
>replied "Negaverse creeps have been sighted at the ice pond".
>Disguise yourself as a skater and meet us at the pond. It was Amy's
>voice, Serena thought as she reminisced about her friend's, the sailor
>scouts. They had lived in the moon kingdom with her since they were
>little girls. First there was Amy. She had short blue hair, was
>highly intelligent, and seemed quiet and harmless on the outside, but
>when danger threatened she became Sailor Mercury. She has a compact
>computer that can figure out almost anything and she controls the
>element of water and ice.
[Bill Livingston] "Man! That was one serious paragraph."
[Logain] "Breathe, Jesse, Breathe!"
[Roland Lowery] "Hey, when the muses are shouting in your ear, you
can't take the time to hit that return key."
> Then there is Mina.
[Drew Lytle] "..and then there were none."
> She was smart, generous and loved helping
>others.
[Cory McCasland] "Yeah, she was one hoopy frood who really knew where
her towel was."
> She had long golden hair
[Glazed McGuffin Man] "Which was kind of heavy, but highly malleable
and she got great reception for the voices in her head."
> (always in a bow) and big blue eyes.
>Because she looked a lot like Serena, she tended to let others think
>she was the princess when needed.
[Tim Mclees] "So if you needed the princess, Mina would act like her.
It makes a kind of sense."
> Mina was also Sailor Venus and
>controlled the powers of light and love.
[K.Y.Mellie] "Sailor Buscaglia."
Next there was Rei.
[Aris Merquoni] "..but enough about her."
> She had
>long, cascading hair
[Matthew Miller] "...with sheeting action."
> that was black as night and mysterious violet
>eyes. She also had a bad temper to go with it
[A,A,M&K] "..and if you order today, you get the long, cascading hair
black as night, the mysterious eyes and the bad temper - all for the
unbelievable price of $19.95."
[Acolyte] "19.95?!"
[A,A,M&K] "That's right! I said $19.95!"
[Acolyte] "You must be crazy."
[A,A,M&K] "We're crazy for deals here on 'Amazing Discoveries'."
> and tended to get into
>shouting fights with Serena. She was Sailor Mars. She could read the
>fire as Sailor Mars, she had the power of fire.
[John Mozena] "And as Sailor Mars with the power of fire, she could
act as Sailor Mars, the fire power person, in order to do the fire
power things that Sailor Mars, with the power of fire would do - being
Sailor Mars and all.
> Lita was Sailor Jupiter. She was great at cooking.
[Jeff Myers] "All this information is, of course, for those people
reading this Sailor Moon fanfic who just might have never heard of
Sailor Moon."
> loved to fight
>bad guys, and usually acted first thought later.
[Joseph Nebus] "Yea, I often act out my first thought later, too."
>As Sailor Jupiter she controlled the powers of lightening, thunder,
>and electricity.
[Matt Blackwell] "She also had the power of mashed potatoes. No one's
quite sure as to why..."
> Lita had wavy.
[Amanda Oblin] "But she's feeling much better now."
> long brown hair (always in a high ponytail) and bright
>green eyes.
> And last there was Princess Serenity.
[Mike Ostrokol] "...last, and certainly the least..."
> Her friends call her
>Serena.
[Alma Alrahi] "..that being her name and all."
[Mr. Dink] "..which in the moonish tongue means, 'whiney brat'."
>She had long.
[John Blasket] "..ago ceased to be useful."
> golden hair that nearly fell to her feet
[Alicia Ashby] "..had she not rigged a basket to catch it. Man! I
hate chemotherapy."
> and shining
>blue eyes that usually revealed what she was feeling.
[Matt Plotecher] "I understand mood eyes were very popular in the
'70's."
[Melvin Pollack] (singing) "Back in the funky 70s--ow!
the party didn't ever stop--ow!
The city of Pompeii was doing all right
but Vesuvius blew her top."
[Matt Plotecher] "Oops, sorry. I did mean the 1970's."
[Melvin Pollack](sighing) "Well, please be more specific next time."
[Doug Atkinsen] "The 70s sketch, ladies and gentlemen. The 70's
sketch."
> Her hair was
>always up in an odango.
[David Richards] "The new Ford Odango! The sport utility vehicle so
big, you'll need a commercial license just to top off the tank."
> Serena was tough
[Jolene Rose](laughing) "Is this the same Serena who runs from every
monster she ever fought and needs Tuxedo Mask to bail her out in every
episode?"
> and had the biggest heart of
>them all.
[Emar Zero](Boris Karloff voice) "Her heart grew two sizes that day,
till she had the strength of ten Sailor Scouts, plus two."
> Even though she lacked confidence sometimes. She never gave
>up on something that mattered. She could do anything if she put her
>mind to it, but tended to be a klutz. Serena fought for love and
>justice as Sailor Moon.
[R.J. Bachler] "As Serena, she fought for reasonable credit card rates
and kicky scarves."
> She had the strongest power
[Jan Berry] "Her incredible body funk."
[Virago Black] "No, she's Japanese, remember."
[Jan Berry] "Oh, right. Her organizations skills and subtle speech
patterns."
[Joe Blevins] "Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for attending another
episode of 'Horribly Oversimplified Stereotypes and You'. Please,
join us next week as we discover 'Italians and Hair Oil: The Looming
World Crisis'."
> of all and fought
>with the Emperium Silver Crystal.
[Dave Rust] "Why? What did she have against the Crystal?"
> Serena's mother, Queen Serenity,
>tried to raise her daughter to follow in her footsteps. The Queen also
>tended to meddle a little. Serena knew her mother had hopes
[Edgar Bubonique] "..which she fully intended to dash."
> that she
>would fall for Prince Darien. She had other thoughts.
[Matt Blackwell] "Granted, those thoughts centered around cargo pants,
but they were her thoughts, dammit!"
> She would make
>up her own mind. The prince would be visiting the moon kingdom in
>three days for the moonlight ball.
[Steven Savage](as Jesse Berden) "Okay, I'm just about done with the
exposition. Does everybody understand everything so far?"
> They usually had a ball every couple weeks,
[Eric Schepers] "Oh, the grueling, responsibility-filled life of
royalty.
> but this one special.
[Patrick Shaughnessy] "..cause Hanson was gonna do the music and
stuff."
[All] "Aaaauugh!"
>It was the Princess' birthday and they had decided on a costume ball.
[Coyote Calhoun] "..so Serena wouldn't be so confused when they
finished the song, 'You look like a monkey, and you smell like one
too.'"
>Serena was supposed to meet the prince at the ball like her mother
>requested. Serena just hoped he didn't recognize her in costume,
[Sizer-chan] "Which was a pretty safe bet since they had never met
before."
>because she had no intention of meeting the prince. Serena popped out
>of her thoughts
[Snuf] "Man, I did that once, and it hurt. It took me a week to get
back in, not to mention a fair amount of petroleum jelly. Don't ask."
> when she realized she was late. She hurriedly put on
>her silver body suit and tutu that was decorated with stars, grabbed
>her matching skates,
[SpaceCow] "Princess Serenity stars as Buck Rogers playing the Tooth
Fairy in 'Cinderella On Ice 2: Anastasia's Revenge'."
> and rushed out the door.
> Meanwhile, Prince Darien and his mother had arrived early and he
>was unpacking after his long travel to get there.
[SporkMan](as Darien) "Let's see....tooth brush, clean underwear,
eight dozen razor-sharp roses. Good, looks like everything is here."
> The palace was
>beautiful, he thought to himself. He was supposed to meet the princess
>at the ball as his mother, Queen Terra had instructed, but he hoped
>he never met her. His mother hoped he would fall for the princess, but
>Darien wanted to make his own decisions.
[Collin Cannaday] "Oh, deja vu."
[Collin Cannaday] "Oh, deja vu."
> "She's probably a major ditz
>anyway,"
[Sailor Starlove] "So you have met her."
> Darien muttered. He also knew the Moon forces had been
>fighting off Negaverse Monsters and he was willing to help
>fight......in disguise ,of course.
[Harold Jessman] "Well, of course, it's only natural when coming to
the defence of your closest ally that you'd want to do it in disguise.
Isn't it, guys? Guys?"
> Darien had finished unpacking and
>decided to go skating for a while.
[Aaron Thall] "Seems like the logical next step to me."
> At the pond, Serena was having a ball with her friends.
[David Thurston] "Now, wait a minute. I'm not sure going skating
really counts as being 'disguised as a skater'."
> If there
>was one thing she was good at
[Cronan Thompson] "Well, we still haven't found what it is."
> it was skating. However they kept an eye
>out for bad guys. Darien had arrived at the ice rink and stood
>watching everyone skate while he put on his own skates.
[Maya Tijan] "He 'stood' while he put on his skates? I'm impressed."
> One figure
>stood out from the rest and caught his eye. She wore a short silver
>outfit and matching skates as she whirled and danced on the ice.
[Seth Triggs] "Does anyone else have a problem with someone who barely
has the coordination to walk and breathe at the same time, but can
skate like a pro?"
[Mike TX] "No. Why?"
[Seth Triggs] "Just curious."
[Mike TX] "Come to think of it, where are the nega-monsters? I
thought the report was that they had been 'sighted at the lake'. Are
they on their coffee break?"
> She
>had long golden hair that was worn in an odango style. What was even
>more breathtaking was her bright, bewitching blue eyes.
[Shay Caron] "..and since she had eight of those eyes, each the size
of a dinner plate, they were really, really bewitching."
> Serena felt someone staring at her and turned. All at once she
>froze
[David Conner] "Okay, who let the Gorgon out of its cage?"
> as her eyes locked on the handsome boy. He was tall, dark, and
>mysterious.
[Lauren Urban] "Like the sphinx, only not as emotive."
> He had hair black as jet that fell forward to his eyes.
>His eyes were a deep, intense blue that had a daring glint in them. He
>glided over to her with ease.
[Nick Clark] "Only to trip over his own two feet once he got to her."
> Without a word he took her hand and they
>started waltzing around the ice together. Suddenly a scream could be
>heard and people started running with fear in their eyes.
[Valeria] "So, I guess they've never seen people hold hands before."
[Amanda Van Rhym] "No, back then everyone had to maintain at least a
five foot separation, otherwise - well, you can see the results."
[CultofTS] "You know, they might go faster if they *skated* with fear
in their eyes."
> Serena and
>Darien broke apart
[Tom Currie] "..with an audible 'crack'."
>and turned toward the noise A big youma appeared
>with razor sharp teeth and claws. He looked like a giant werewolf. His
>master, Queen Beryl,
[Reverand Ezekiel Impurity Wadd] "Who, apparently, also appeared,
though the actual appearance part will be left as an exercise for the
reader."
>ordered him to take care of the Sailor Scouts
[Michael Wallen] "Though she should have had no idea they were
actually there at the time."
> and report back when
>finished. The other scouts ran to Serena and explained the problem.
[Roland Warner] "Who obviously had missed the whole thing, even though
she was standing right there."
>They quickly transformed. Darien watched in amazement as the beautiful
>girl and her friends became the legendary
[Joseph Curwen] "Paul Bunyan. We have no idea how he got there."
> sailor scouts everyone
>talked about. Within moments there stood Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Venus,
>Sailor Mars Sailor Mercury, and their leader Sailor Moon.
[Sean Daugherty] "Due to a scheduling mix-up, Merv Griffin and Tony
Danza also stood there."
> Darien stared a few more seconds and then pulled out a rose and
>did a transformation of his own.
[Jim Whaley](as Darien, effeminate) "Now, I can be pretty. Please
Honey, call me Darriene."
>With a whirl of cape there stood a dashing hero clad in a tux, mask,
>cape, and top hat.
[Tyler Dion] "Fred Astaire?"
[Musca Domestica] "..on Ice."
> The sailor scouts stared at the figure known as
>Tuxedo Mask and gasped.
[Brian Dublick](as scout) "Daaa, lookit the piddy man."
> However, there was no more time to stare as
[Hack Emery] "...'Saved by the Bell' was about to start."
>the nega monster lunged at them. The sailor scouts attacked with all
>their might.
>JUPITER THUNDERCLAP ZAP!
[All] (applaud loudly for the "Thunderclap")
>VENUS LOVE CHAIN ENCIRCLE!
[Catherine Johnson] "Ohh, Mistress Venus."
>MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY!
[All](singing)"Beelzebub has a devil set aside for me/ for me/ for
meeee!"
[Steven Bateman] "..and his name is Stephen Ratliff."
>MARS CELESTIAL FIRE SURROUND!
[Joe Mozena] "...Because she has the power of fire, you know."
>MOON SCEPTER ELIMINATION!
[Marc-David Jacobs] "Doesn't she only ever do this once in an
episode?"
[Jen White](as Darienne) "Tuxedo Man-love Shoot!"
[All] "Ewww - Crow Syndrome! Crow Sydrome!"
[Jen White] "Alright, alright, enough already."
> Tuxedo Mask also threw his deadly roses at the youma. They fought
>and together dusted the monster.
[Glen williams] "And the action sequence ends as it began, abruptly
and void of point."
>"Sailor scouts!" Shouted Tuxedo Mask, "I will keep your identities
>secret if you do the same for me.
[Ashley Johnen](as Darien) "Besides, I've forgotten your names already
anyway."
> They quickly agreed. Before they
>could even ask his real name he disappeared in a flash of cape,
[Craig Whyte] "Illiciting a giggling fit from the scouts, and a
healthy blush from Serena."
>leaving a rose at Sailor Moon's feet.
[Flame] "..cracking the ice and sending Serena to her watery grave."
[Amanda Flowers] "Dark today, Flame?"
[Flame] "Sorry, not enough fiber in my diet."
> Serena stood there wondering if
>she would ever see him again. Little did she know what destiny had in
>mind for her.
[Antaeus Feldspar] "A trailer park, a job in an all-night diner, six
kids, and varicose veins."
[Hunter Felt] "...and, oddly enough, a traffic accident involving a
truck full of molasses, a duck, and lot of ping-pong balls. I will
say no more."
> Amy, who had been quiet while the others puzzled over
>Tuxedo Mask, spoke up after a series of beeps from her computer.
[Glen Williams](as Amy) "R2D2 says they've deactivated the hyper-drive
on the Millenium Falcon."
>"According to my calculations, I believe the Negaverse may plan a
>surprise attack at the ball.
[YOPEZYO](as Amy) "Let's see 5+7=12...mumble, mumble.. Oh my, they're
going to attack in the hall! Oops, wait a minute. Forgot to carry
the one. They're going to attack during the ball!"
>"We must protect you Princess," Mercury replied
[Juliet Youngren] " 'replied' to Sailor Moon when Amy was the one who
spoke? I don't get it."
> while looking at
>Sailor Moon.
+++++++++++++++++++++
The projector stopped and the lights came back on. The MiSTers
slumped in their seats, grateful for the rest from bad literature.
The door to the front of the theater opened up, and the same four from
the beginning of the story came in pushing food carts much like those
used on airliners. The MiSTers could only hope that the contents were
not also similar. Stephen Ratliff reentered the theater and addressed
the audience.
[Stephen Ratliff] "It is not our intention to torture you."
[WereTorgo] "You know, I would welcome a set of thumb screws right
about now."
Stephen bristled under the barb, but regained his composure.
[Stephen Ratliff] (shortly) "So we have prepared a light meal for you
to eat before we continue with the carnage..er..story reading."
[Michael Neylon](seriously) "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we can't accept
your hospitality. You see, for the duration of the RATMM convention
we have all forsworn the consumption of any food or beverage except
Hamdingers and Yoo-Hoo."
[Andrew Flowers] (incredulously) "We have??"
[Michael Neylon] "Yes. We. Have. Get it?"
[All]: "Ooooh. Right!"
[Stephen Ratliff] (looking sickened) "Man, and you say I'm crazy."
[All] (stunned silence)
[Acolyte] "He riffed you! Hey, Neylon, you just got riffed by Stephen
Ratliff!"
[All] (break out into uproarious laughter)
[Stephen Ratliff] "No wonder you're jokes have broken wind, you must
have enough preservatives in you to make King Tut jealous."
[All] (continue to laugh)
Stephen turned to the others and sent them away with a wave of his
hand. He place a fixture on his head similar to those the others wore
and continued with the fanfic.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> "I think we should go to the ball in our scout forms. If only we
>could contact Tuxedo Mask,
[Alma Alrahi] "Quickly, Commissioner Gordon, to the Tuxedo-signal."
> Serena thought to herself. The next morning
>Serena woke and dressed in her favorite pink sundress,
[Alicia Ashby] "So I guess now she's diguised as a girl in a pink
dress."
[Stephen Ratliff] "She must have gone to the Clark Kent School of
Superhero Disguises."
> Luna had said
>her mother wanted to see her in the royal dining room immediately.
>Serena rushed to the dining room to see her mother.
[Matt Nelson] "...because that's where her mother wanted to see her,
in the dining room."
> She had been
>dreaming about the dashing Tuxedo Mask and feared she was already half
>in love with him.
[Doug Atkinson] "That IS frightening."
> Her eyes widened and a soft smile played across her
>features when she saw him and a lady talking to her mother.
[Andrew Foltz] "Darien and Dame Judith Anderson?"
> He turned
>towards her and gasped.
[Stephen Ratliff] "Of course, he couldn't recognize her because of her
clever disguise. Hey, this is kind of fun."
[Michael Neylon] "You see, fun is what it's all about."
> It was the beautiful maiden! Their eyes met
>and held.
[Jan Berry](as Serena) "Ow! Hey, quit. Let go of my eye!"
> "There you are Serena," Queen Serenity chided. "I would like you
>to meet Queen Terra and her son Prince Darien. And I'd like your
>majesties to meet my daughter Princess Serenity.
[TV's Frank](as Queen Serenity) "...so go ahead and meet."
> Darien stepped
>forward, bowed, and kissed Serena's hand.
[Matt Blackwell] "I thought you were Dale."
[Virago Black](as Darien) "You've been soaking in Palmolive, haven't
you? You sexy minx."
> "Hello Serena," he replied.
[Jim Gadfly] "Again with the replying. Doesn't anyone actually reply
to the person who spoke to them? I don't get it."
>Queen Serenity looked at this with a smile and said, "Serena could you
>please show our guests around the palace and grounds.
[Justin Golden](as Serena to herself) "I don't know why she keeps
referring to this trailer park as, 'the palace and grounds'. The old
girl is losing it."
> By then Serena
>and Darien had fallen the rest of the way in love,
[Joe Blevins] "Yea, she's a good looking chick, and he a hunky guy, so
now they're in love. Doesn't any take the time to get to know anyone
anymore?"
[Edgar Bubonique] "Man, that was a depressing riff."
> thoughts of proving
>their parents wrong forgotten.
> Serena spent the day showing them
[Captain Bungie] "Um, what exactly is she showing them? Never mind,
don't tell me. I don't want to know."
[Coyote Calhoun] "Let's just assume he meant the palace and grounds
like her mother said. I think it's more comfortable that way."
> as they all talked about
>themselves.
[Collin Cannaday](as Darien doing Bette Midler) "...but enough about
me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"
> It was just getting dark when the Queen excused herself,
>leaving Serena and Darien alone.
[The Lone Gunman] "Winning, once again, the stupidest mother award."
> Serena quickly led Darien to the
>gardens, making sure they were alone,
[Shay Caron] "You know, it's times like these when it's comforting to
know that this isn't a lemon story."
[All] "Amen!"
> and told him of their suspicions
>of an attack and asked if he would fight with them.
[Robert Green](as Darien) "Fight with you? You bet. I'll take you on
anywhere, anytime."
> He agreed and they
>watched the stars together and soon went their own ways as it was
>getting late.
[Stephen Ratliff] "Ah, life in the Victorian era of the moon. What
passion! What passion?"
[David Conner] "Hey, weren't we just rejoicing that this wasn't a
lemon. I say, don't knock it."
> Serena spent the night tossing and turning,
[Tom Currie](singing) "She was tossing and turning / turning and
tossing/ toss and turn all night."
> thinking that the
>prince didn't share her feelings
[Tyler Dion] "Too bad he wasn't equipped with her neat-o 70's mood
eyes."
[Melvin Pollack](singing) "Wowow! Back in the super bad 70's
The Roman Empire still reigned supreme.
Emperor Titus came to power
And he finished up the Colosseum."
[Tyler Dion] "Thank you, Melvin."
[Melvin Pollack] "Don't mention it."
[Doug Atkinsen] "The 70's sketch. Again, the 70s sketch."
> and would forget about her when he
>returned home at the end of the week.
[Joseph Curwen] "If he had any sense, that is."
> Finally, when she couldn't sleep
[The Bad Guy] "...knowing that somewhere, out there, someone was
writing bad fanfics about her."
>anymore she out into the gardens and watched the stars trying to sort
>out her feelings.
[Sean Daugherty] "Okay, now I'm totally impressed. If you're an
important enough person to have the stars try to sort out your
feelings for you, then you're somebody in my book."
> She didn't hear the footsteps behind her when a
>monster grabbed her from behind.
[Stephen Ratliff] "Of course, having a monster grab you will tend to
distract you from hearing footsteps. The question is, who's footsteps
were they?"
> She could only get out one scream
>before its hand covered her mouth and pinned her arms to her sides.
[Brian Dublick] "She's being abducted by Stone Cold Steve Austin."
> It
>was big and hairy with a horn on each side of its head.
[Antaeus Feldspar] "Um..."
[Hack Emery] "Don't do it. Don't even go there. Just take your Crow
Syndrome Vaccination and forget you ever saw it."
> Its wicked
>smile showed off a pair of sharp, yellow stained teeth.
[Hunter Felt] "He had only two, yellow-stained teeth? This monster
must have come from nega-Arkansas."
[Flame] "Nega-Monsters for Lucky Strikes."
> There was also
>a glittering black jewel in the middle of its forehead.
> Darien had been having nightmares when Serena was attacked. He
>awoke with a start, feeling that Serena was in danger.
[Stephen Ratliff] "Of course the scream from the garden, may been an
important clue."
> His heart
>wrenched at the thought of someone hurting his princess.
[Andrew Foltz] "They only met twice, and already she's HIS princess?
Man, is this guy possessive."
> He quickly
>transformed and slipped out into the night. Serena fought and kicked,
>hoping Darien would somehow hear her cry for help.
[Jason Holland] "...but he thought it was Polly Purebred, and left the
job up to Underdog."
> Just when she was
>about to give up a rose flew through the air striking the monster
>between the eyes.
[TV's Francis] "Wow! Those gardeners can really get pissed when you
step in their flower beds."
> In the next instant all that was left of it was
>dust.
[Jim Gadfly] "All it takes to dust these nega-monsters is a simple
response. I can see why there isn't more security around this
castle."
> Serena cried in relief and threw herself into Darien's arms and
>held tight.
> "I knew you would come," she whispered. "I'll always be there to
>protect you Princess. Serena, who was so distraught, passed out
[Justin Golden] "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present our heroine!"
> and
>woke up the next morning in her room.
[Kevin Gowen] "...with that 'not so fresh' feeling."
[Robert Green] "All right, that's enough of that."
> Serena's friends rushed in
>worried about her.
[The Lone Gunman] "I guess they didn't deem it important enough to be
worried about her until morning."
[The Bad Guy] "Nah, it seems like this kind of thing happens all the
time."
> After assuring them she was okay she told them
>about Prince Darien and her feelings for him. They began talking about
>the ball, getting more excited by the minute.
[Carl Hollen] "Nobody say a word."
> All the scouts agreed
>she should tell him how she felt at the ball,
[Emar Zero](as Amy) "Besides, we know the nega-monsters will attack
then, so it'll provide just enough distraction to make it a dramatic
moment."
> when she turned
>eighteen. When the time foe the ball had arrived they quickly
>transformed.(no one would suspect them. remember it's a costume ball.)
[Jason Holland](as ball participant) "Ever notice how you never see
the Sailor Scouts and the Spice girls in the room at the same time.
It couldn't possibly be a coincidence."
>Meanwhile Darien had come to the decision that he should tell Serena
>his feelings.
[Jawa Hutt](as Darien) "My dear, I can't keep it bottled up anymore.
You see, I'm ambivalent about you. I have these deep feelings of
phlegmaticness toward you. I hope you feel the same way."
> He transformed and went off to the ball.
> The ball was spectacular. People were dressed up like things only
>imagined.
[Mighty Jack] "An IRS Customer Service agent."
[Stephen Ratliff] "A politician with principles."
[Ashley Jhonen] "A big-budget American movie with a plot."
[Jolene Rose] "Boy George."
[Catherine Johnson] "The regular crew chief."
[RofK] "A computer-literate Mac user."
[All] "Oooooo."
> Sailor Moon and the sailor scouts had arrived and spread out
[EA Karras] "They've been hitting the batter-dipped pork rinds again."
>to look but for Negaverse creeps. Sailor Moon was wandering through
>the dancing couples when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder.
[David Richards](as Darien) "Oops, sorry Serena. I thought you were a
keg."
> She
>turned and found herself staring into Darien's deep blue eyes. He had
>changed into Tuxedo Mask. Darien handed her a rose and asked her to
>dance.
[Senor Kirneh] "The rose cut her hand, and she cried the rest of the
night."
> Their hearts were racing. They were the perfect couple and
>anyone with eyes could see that they were in love. No one knew them
[Diana Lisky] "I'm sorry, but anyone who knew Serena and saw Sailor
Moon this close would just HAVE to make the connection."
>and yet everyone puzzled over who the mysterious was.
[Bryan Lambert] "...so mysterious, he didn't even have a pronoun."
> Slowly, Darien
>touched his lips to Serena's and kissed her.
> A crash broke them apart and they turned to see Queen Beryl
>hurling a ball of dark energy at the people.
[Doug Atkinson](as Queen Beryl) "Sorry, folks. I had Mexican for
lunch, and it is really fighting back."
> "Stop where you are! I am
>Sailor Moon. I fight for love and justice. In the name of the moon I
>will punish you!" cried Serena.
[Melvin Pollack] "I'll punish you in the name of the NYPD."
[Matt Plotecher] "Or NATO!"
[John Plasket] "Or Bill Gates!"
[Mr. Dink] "Oh, heck! Does it really matter who's name I punish you
with?"
> "Why don't you just give up and bow
>down to your new master? You can't beat me!" Beryl said cruelly.
>"Never!" shouted Sailor Moon. "Then you will die!" Beryl snarled.
[Bill Livingston] "Fight dialog provided by Stan Lee."
>The sailor scouts attacked.
>VENUS LOVE CHAIN ENCIRCLE!
[Jawa Hutt] "VENUS LOVE CHAINSAW MASSACRE!"
>MARS CELESTIAL FIRE SURROUND!
[Jason Holland] "MARS HOTFOOT MATCHBOOK!"
>MERCURY AQUA RHAPSODY!
[Carl Hollen] "She has the power to make her enemies pee their pants."
>JUPITER THUNDER CLAP ZAP!
[Logain] "...as previously seen."
> One by one they fought with all their might, but they were all
>taken down until all that was left was Tuxedo Mask and Sailor Moon.
[Roland Lowery](as Darien) "Now, THIS is what I call a ball."
>Sailor Moon was already weak
[Stephen Ratliff] "At least they admit it."
> and didn't have much energy left.
[Michael Neylon] So, she went in search of a powerup. Or a medikit. Or
one of those green balls. Whatever gives you extra health around
here...
> Beryl
>hurled a deadly crystal spike at Sailor Moon and laughed with wicked
>glee.
[Mike Ostrokol] "Gleehehehehe!"
> Darien saw the attack and dove in front of Serena, taking the
>blow.
[Cory McCasland] "You know, he could have just pushed her out of the
way."
[Glazed McGuffin Man] "But, where would the romance be in that?"
> The spike pierced his heart cruelly.
[Amanda Oblin](singing) "Shot through the heart/ and you're to blame/
Oh, you give love and bad name."
[Robert Green] "Thanks, I just finished a five-year self-hypnosis
program designed to make me completely forget Bon Jovi."
> "Noooooo!" cried Serena.
[Matt Nelson](as Queen Beryl) "Yeeeesss!"
[Joseph Nebus](as Serena) "Nooo."
[Matt Nelson](as Queen Beryl) "Yes."
[Joseph Nebus](as Serena) "No."
[Matt Nelson](as Queen Beryl) "Yes."
[Joseph Nebus](as Serena) "No."
[Matt Nelson](as Queen Beryl) "Yes times ten."
[Joseph Nebus](as Serena) "No times infinity - I win."
[Matt Nelson](as Queen Beryl) "Curses, foiled again!"
>"Darien! No,
[Matt Nelson](as Queen Beryl) "Yes."
[Jeff Myers] "Enough!!"
> don't leave me. Please.....I love you!" "I love you
>Serena. Don't forget me, my love," whispered Darien.
[John Mozena](as Serena) "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Did you
say, 'Don't *forgive* me, my glove'?"
[Drew Lytle] "Luckily, Queen Beryl stood idly by, giving them plenty
of time for their overly-dramatic death scene."
> All of the sudden white light shot from the silver crystal
[Matthew Miller] "Hey, how did Tinkerbell get in there?"
> and
>enveloped Darien and the sailor scouts. Beryl stared in shock. When
>the light cleared there stood Serenity in her princess form,
[Tim Mclees](as ball attendee) "Wait, I don't understand. Why did
Sailor Moon leave and Princess Serenity take her place? Who is Sailor
Moon anyway?"
> Prince
>Darien, and the Sailor Scouts. "So, you healed them, did you?"
[K.Y. Mellie](as Sailor Moon) "No, the Crystal healed them. I just
whined a lot."
> Beryl
>said bitingly, "Prepare for your final death sailor brats!"
[Aris Merquoni] "Actually, this would be only one of several deaths
for
them. They have more lives than soap opera characters."
> "I'm gonna
>vaporize you!" shouted Princess Serenity. "Jupiter Power! Venus Power!
>Mars Power! Mercury Power!"
[Diana Lisky](as Scary Spice) "Girl Power!"
[Bryan Lambert](as Timothy Leary) "Flower Power!"
[Senor Kirneh](as Mike Meyers) "Austin Powers, yeah Baby!"
> shouted the Sailor Scouts. Their power
>flowed into the crystal, giving it more power.
[Matthew Miller] "Since power is what is needed to have more power,
then we shall give it more power so that it will be more powerful."
> Finally, Serena
>shouted," Moon Crystal Power!" Bright light flooded the room and when
>it cleared all that was left of Beryl was moondust.
[Stephen Ratliff] "Now wait a minute, what about Queen Beryl's part in
the rebellion of Earth, and her inducement of Zoicyte and Magnitite,
and her attack of the Sailor Scouts on Earth...."
[All] "Fanboy, fanboy..."
> Serena collapsed into Darien's arms with relief. Finally, she
>straightened and looked into his love filled eyes, drowning in their
>warmth. "We'll always be together," she promised and they sealed that
>promise with a kiss.
[Jeff Myers](as Cyrano de Bergerac) "After all, what is a kiss but a
vow made at the alter of eternity?"
[Joseph Nebus] "Ooo, nice one."
>The End
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The story ended and the lights came back on. Stephen removed the
fixture from his head and looked around at the crowd. He had a smile
on his face looking every bit the religious convert.
[Michael Neylon] "Now you understand, don't you? We don't do this out
of hatred of the written word. We do it out of love for a good joke.
We do it for every one who saw "Star Trek: The Final Frontier" and
wondered what was wrong with it. We do it for everyone who didn't
know the difference between there, their, and they're. We do it for
the children, Stephen, for the children!"
[Stephen Ratliff] "Preach it, Jimmy Swagart!"
Tears glistened in the eyes of everyone watching.
[Michael Neylon] "I'm so proud."
Fade to black
MST3K created by
JOEL HODGSON
MST3K produced by
BEST BRAINS, INC.
Riffs and segments written by
RICHARD YOCUM
ray...@mindspring.com
Editing and additional riffs provided by
MATT BLACKWELL
original fanfic written by
JESSE BERDEN
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is (c)1999 Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
This MSTing is a work of fiction based on another work of fiction. No
infringement is implied or intended, and certainly no offense, for
this
is a harmless satire. Sailor Moon is copyright to Naoko T. and DIC.
All
rights reserved.
All characters in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to any
persons, living or dead, is PURELY coincidental. No kidding. I just
made these names up - pulled them right out of thin air.
Really.
>"According to my calculations, I believe the Negaverse may plan a
>surprise attack at the ball.
McDLT
even if I did get only two lines (sarcastic glare). Keep it up, there's
alot of promise in ya!
==McDLT http://www.students.wfu.edu/thurdl01
Hot on the Hot side
Cold on the Cold side.
"Hey, I called it first!"