MiSTed: James Cameron - 33rd Degree Mason (3/3)
Roland Warner
[Tom is in a miniature bed, a thermometer hanging from his metallic
mouth.
He periodically spouts nonsense from both James Cameron Conspiracy
Theories.
Mike and Crow surround him, comforting him.]
Tom: Terminator... Freemasons... Kiwanas... Shriner Conventions...
President Bush - Lip Gloss... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Mike: [Patting Tom's Globe] Easy boy! It'll be okay soon. We'll find
this Perez guy and make him pay!
Crow: And how, praytell, do you plan to do that?
Mike: Shush, Crow! I'm trying to comfort poor Tom here.
Tom: I'm a goner, Mike. It's all over for me.
Crow: Oh, stop complaining, ya big baby!
Mike: Crow, go easy on him, he had a hard time in the theater.
Crow: Well, I read the same thing he did, and I'm fine.
Mike: What, you don't feel *any* aftereffects from that Conspiracy
Theory?
Crow: Nope! I'm fit as a fiddle.
Mike: Okay, Houdini, what gives - how'd you survive unscathed?
Crow: Simple, Mike - my brain is compartmentalized, which allows my
subconscious mind to riff away, while my consciousness spends more
productive time playing this neat "Adventure" text-game! Right now,
I'm stuck in a "Maze of Twisty Passages all alike."
Mike: So basically, you're cheating and not even looking at the same
thing
we are?
Crow: That's pretty much it. The only memories I have in the theater
involve Colossal Caves and XYZZY.
Mike: Hmm, that may be just what we need! Can you transfer that game
from
your memory banks to Tom's? It might just take his mind off of James
Cameron and concentrate on solving the game!
Crow: Well, I'll give it a shot! Here, get those connecters under the
table, and run it from me to Tom.
Mike: This one? [holds up jumper cable]
Crow: Yeah. Red ones to Tom.
Mike: Naturally.
Crow: Just don't hook it up backwards - I don't wanna start collecting
underwear.
[Mike clamps the red cable to Tom and the black one to Crow. A few
moments
pass. Suddenly, Tom jumps up from his bed.]
Tom: OH NO! THERE'S A SMALL DWARF WITH AN AXE IN THE ROOM! "N"
YOU CAN'T GO NORTH. THE DWARF THROWS THE AXE, NARROWLY MISSING
YOU! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Tom panics and runs off to the left.]
Mike: [Watching Tom run away] Whew! Looks like Tom's gonna be okay!
Crow: Yeah, thank goodness he's back to normal.
[Mads' Light flashes.]
Crow: Oh, Mike, Pearl's calling.
Mike: [Mike hits the button and turns back to the screen.] Hey, Pearl,
how'd the "TheatreVision" thingy go?
[CF - Pearl stands on the stage as the blind people talk amongst
themselves.]
Pearl: Mike, I don't know what happened! I did exactly like the
Conspiracy Theory said, but these people still have free-will! I
should be ruling their pathetic, miserable souls by now!
[Bobo walks in to Pearl's right.]
Bobo: Maybe you should try using more bananas, Lawgiver. I've always
noticed bananas helps get people's attentions more and-
Pearl: Bobo, why don't you go help Brain Guy sort out his leaf
collection?
Bobo: When did he get a leaf collection?
Pearl: When I threw his brain out the window! Now, go help him before
I throw your sorry as-er, butt out the window as well!
Bobo: Point understood.
[Bobo wanders away. Pearl turns back to the screen.]
Pearl: Now, what did you all think of the "TheatreVision" thingy?
[An audience member named Alia stands up.]
Alia: I thought it was interesting, but too much talking by Mike and
Crow,
and not enough of Tom! Tom has the sexiest voice!
[Another audience member stands up.]
Dinah: I don't get the point! I kept trying to listen to this thing
they were reading, but those three kept talking too much for me to
understand what was going on!
[The Audience's volume slowly rises as more complaints rise about too
much talking during the Conspiracy Theory. Slowly they ramble to the
stage and towards Pearl. The camera fades out as they reach Pearl and
when
it's completely black. A voice can be heard.]
Steve: What about my all-you-can-eat buffet dinner??
-----
"James Cameron - 33rd Degree Mason" was written by Daniel Perez.
Give it up for the MiSTers:
Returning from the first James Cameron MiSTing are Bill Livingston and
Bart Fargo!
Please give a round of applause to newcomer Mike Grasso for his first
(and hilarious) MiSTing!
Last (And most definately not least!) another round of applause for
Melvin Pollack, WereTorgo, and Hunter Felt for their hilarious
contributions as well!
Portraying the Editor of this MiSTing is Roland Warner.
Grateful acknowledgements to Mike Grasso for the iBot Sketch, and Bart
Fargo for the Host Segment ideas, as well as Bill Livingston for
revising the host segments that I had written, and making them so gosh
darn funny! All I did was put the basic words to them!
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights
or trademarks held by others is intended or should be inferred.
-----
> As Richard Hoagland says "...coincidence
> after coincidence after coincidence". When does something stop being a
> coincidence and become fused into reality as a new paradigm?
Jeffrey Johnson
>"James Cameron - 33rd Degree Mason" was written by Daniel Perez.
>
>Give it up for the MiSTers:
>Returning from the first James Cameron MiSTing are Bill Livingston and
>Bart Fargo!
>Please give a round of applause to newcomer Mike Grasso for his first
>(and hilarious) MiSTing!
>Last (And most definately not least!) another round of applause for
>Melvin Pollack, WereTorgo, and Hunter Felt for their hilarious
>contributions as well!
>Portraying the Editor of this MiSTing is Roland Warner.
>
>Grateful acknowledgements to Mike Grasso for the iBot Sketch, and Bart
>Fargo for the Host Segment ideas, as well as Bill Livingston for
>revising the host segments that I had written, and making them so gosh
>darn funny! All I did was put the basic words to them!
Good job, all of you! I enjoyed it immensely! Best thing first thing in
the morning.
Although I did have a few questions about the authors...
What exactly do the words "And", "Bar", "Far", "Felt", "Go", "Grass",
"Hunt", "I'll", "In", "Lack", "Land", "Living", "Poll", "So", "Ton",
"Warn", and "We're" have in common? Hmm? Well, aside from being real
English words which *all* coincidentally either begin or end one of your
so-called "author's" names, the art of Freemason word rearrangement shows
them to comprise the following sentence:
"Hunt so far: We're living in felt and grass. Lack poll. I'll go warn
land. -Bar Ton."
Hmm? "Bar Ton"? Sounds like "Barton", who is a well-known "Fink"!
"Fink"?!? Hmm? "Lack poll"? We all know that Clinton won't do anything
without first reading the polls. Hmm? The references to "felt" and
"grass" are a bit more obscure, but don't you think that felt, a heavy
cloth, conjures up pictures of monks in their heavy cloth, monks who may
be part of secret religious orders, such as the Rosicrucians, or the
Templar Knights? Hmm? And grass? Ireland? IRELAND!?! The last
stronghold of the DRUIDS?!? Yes? Isn't that it? ISN'T IT!?!
This message clearly shows that there is a group of Druidic Rosicrucian
Templar Knights hiding out from the Freemason hunt in Ireland. Without
action from Bill Clinton (who as we all know defeated 33rd Degree
Freemason George Bush in the 1992 Presidential election) they are exposed
to the hunt by the Freemasons. Meantime, the "fink", who is a Druidic
Rosicrucian Templar Knight spy who has clearly infiltrated the Freemasonry
Orders (probably James Cameron, but the proof of that will be given at a
later time) is going out to warn all of those who stand opposed to the
Freemasons' plot. This MSTing is a message from Cameron himself! Don't
you see?!?
Aiiiiggggghhhhh!
JSJ1TG, jeez, this is easy.
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"Rain - violent torrents of it, rain like fetid water from a God-sized
pot of pasta strained through a sky-wide colander, rain as Noah knew it,
flaying the shuddering trees, whipping the white-capped waters, violating
the sodden firmament, purging purity and filth alike from the land, rain
without mercy, without surcease, incontinent rain, turning to intermittent
showers overnight with partial clearing Tuesday." -David Hirsch, winner
of the Purple Prose award, 18th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.
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Bill Livingston
Jeffrey? You're doing it again. Here, take your nice little blue pills and
lie down for a while, okay?
Bill L.
Inching away slowly
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bi...@Traveller.COM http:\\www.hsv.tis.net\~bill
He that is of a merry heart hath
a continual feast - Prov. 15:15b
Roland Warner
Better use the pink stuff, Bill. He knows too much already!
Roland, here come the Freemasons in Black, Warner