MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 3" (2/2)
Mike Barklage
MiSTed: "Away From Home, Book 3: Chasing Marrissa"
----
CONTINUED FROM PART 1
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6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[They enter the theater.]
MIKE: See ya later, Marrissa!
[Mike throws the headless, legless doll across the theater.]
MIKE: I have to thank you guys. That was very theraputic.
CROW: Null problemo, amigo!
>
> Chapter Six
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> Lieutenant Commander Data and Clara Sutter arrived on the
> Bridge of the Sutherland. Data wore the class C command uniform and
> Clara wore the same with her ensign's pip.
> "Miss Sutter, I need a first officer," Data said. "I would like
> you in that position."
> "Why?" Clara asked.
TOM: Good question.
> "You are currently listed as the Enterprise's Kid's Crew first
> officer," Data said. "you have command experience. You have a 17n
> minute 29.271735 second Kobayashi Maru time ..."
MIKE: Which is apprently all they grade on.
CROW: <frustrated sigh> I'm pretty sure Data would round off more than that.
> "All-right, All-right, I'll take the job," Clara interrupted.
TOM: <Clara> Jeez, *force* promotion down my throat! Guy!
> "Then take your station Lieutenant," Data ordered.
> Clara moved toward the first officer's seat. Suddenly realizing
> what Data said, she swirled around. Her long hair coming around her
> face. "What do you mean Lieutenant?" she asked.
MIKE: You know, that *word* that Ratliff keeps using over and over and over?
> "I forgot to tell you?" Data replied. "Most shocking, I must
> remember to run a full diagnostic. The position comes with the rank of
> at least full Lieutenant."
> "You mean I out rank Marrissa as long as I have this position,"
> Clara said. "I'm going to enjoy this when we catch up with Marrissa.
> I've never out ranked her before."
CROW: <Clara> I finally get to put that snooty bitch in her place!
> "Hopefully, you will be able to enjoy it," Data said.
> "Data, I have yet to find anything that Marrissa hasn't been
> able to turn to her advantage," Clara replied.
TOM: She's scary that way.
> "Then let us begin,' Data responded. "Clara."
> "Tactical, full scan for Trakce warp signatures," Clara ordered.
>
> Meanwhile on the Trakce ship Cobopol,
MIKE: ...whose software was some 300 years out of date...
> Marrissa was needling information from her captors.
CROW: You'd think that would be the other way around.
> "You mean you captured me to use as a puppet governor," Marrissa laughed.
TOM: <Marrissa> That's the stupidest plot device I've ever heard!
> "You sure got the wrong girl."
> "Do not be so sure," the Trakce with yellow and orange ribbons
> in her hair said. "How does your father disapline you?"
MIKE: With spelling flames.
> "Lieutenant junior grade Marrissa Amber Picard. serial number
> SPE-70-HU-1125-0893-9666," Marrissa replied.
CROW: <reciting> ...25-0893-9... 666?! AAAHH! SHE'S EVIL!!
> "How do you become Captain of a ship like this?"
TOM: Practice, man, practice.
> "Any one who has defeated the Captain can relieve him," the
> Trakce replied.
TOM&CROW: <klaxon sounds>
MIKE: Plot point! Plot point!
> "Any particular way?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: Well, usually you try to aim him towards the toilet, and... d'oh!
> "No, he just has to conseed defeat."
> "Thank you. Now what else do you want to know?"
> "What position does your father hold?"
> "He is between jobs."
TOM: <Trakce> Oh, he's a bum, eh?
> "What was his last job?"
MIKE: Alien social workers, in action!
> "Lieutenant Marrissa Amber Picard ..."
>
> Back on the Sutherland, the scans for a Trakce ship was
> progressing. "Tactical, status of search?" Clara asked, pacing.
> "No sign of them yet," the tactical officer said.
CROW: <officer, grumbling> Like I'd keep it a secret.
> "Lieutenant, sit down, you are wearing a rut in the carpet,"
> Data asked.
TOM: Take it off, you look rediculous.
> "Sorry, I'm not use to the wait," Clara said sitting down.
> "I've always had something to do on duty."
MIKE: Hey, maybe Data's smarter than we gave him credit for! By promoting
Clara to First Officer - the Starfleet equivalent of Vice President -
she can't possibly screw anything up!
> "Captain, now detecting Trakce warp signature," tactical
> announced. "1 mark 3 distance 8 parsecs and closing at warp 9.99."
> "Heading?" Data asked.
> "They are heading towards us," tactical said. "They miss the
> outer limits of the solar system by 3 point one AUs."
CROW: Do not adjust your television...
> "CONN set a course for intercept," Clara ordered. "Warp 9.82
> once we clear the solar system ..."
> "Lieutenant, we can only hold that speed for 10 seconds," the
> engineer responded.
> "Check my paper on integral warp factors," Clara said. "This
> vessel can go warp 9.995 for that long we can hold warp 9.991 for 24
> hours."
TOM: Amazing how Starfleet's army of engineers never noticed that.
> "Intreg, you have projected 3 more integral warp factors,"
> Data said.
CROW: Is "Intreg" a character, a ship, or an algorithm?
MIKE: I think it's a physical manifestation of Ratliff's science phobia.
> "Contact the Independence and tell them to close in on the
> Trakce and rendezvous with us in one minute. Inform the rest that we are
> about to engage the Trakce."
TOM: We'll be June brides!
>
> On the Independence, acting-Captain Jay Gordon was reading the
> Sutherland's message, "Message to Sutherland, I can meet you at the
> appointed time. However I can't meet the Trakce's warp 9.99"
CROW: Too rich for my blood.
> "Message sent," Jay's tactical officer, Sibik said. After a
> moment he continued," The Sutherland's first officer is requesting
> visual contact."
MIKE: <Jay> Just a second, let me put some clothes on.
> "On screen,' Jay replied.
> Clara Sutter appeared on the view screen. "Hi, Jay," She said.
TOM: <Clara> Can you come over and play?
> "What's this about not being able to match the Trakce's warp 9.99"
> "Clara you should know that a Galaxy Class starship maximum
> speed is warp 9.984 for ten seconds," jay replied. "After all you were
> acting chief engineer on one."
CROW: Yeah, but it doesn't mean she knows what she's doing.
> "I delivered a paperbound copy of the magazine that publishes my
> first article," Clara said, "and you don't even read it. Amazing.
MIKE: It was in Playgirl, for chrissakes.
> Jay
> when you reach warp 9.982, power levels drop off to the same as warp 9.2
> Therefore you have a maximum speed of warp 9.997 for ten seconds,
> theoretically."
TOM: She's invented the Infinite Bullshit Drive!
MIKE: Tom...
TOM: Sorry.
> "OK, but if we burn out the warp core, it's your fault," Jay
> replied.
> "that's extremely unlikely.
CROW: <Clara> I'm *never* wrong.
> Sutherland out."
> "On the USS Coral Sea, Counselor Deanna Troi was talking to her
> mother, "Mother, Will and I are just friends," Deanna said. "Worf and
> myself, that's a different story."
MIKE: <Deanna> We go at it like rabbits!
> "You and Mr Woof?" Laxwanna asked.
TOM: You know, that's not even funny when she says it on the actual show.
> "Bridge to Captain Troi."
> "Troi, go ahead."
> "Message from the Sutherland, Captain."
> "Pipe it down to my quarters," Deanna said.
> "Why is everyone calling you Captain, Little One," Laxwanna
> thought.
> "I'm the commanding officer on this vessel, not ship's
> counselor, Mother," Deanna said. "If their ever was a good time to stop
> calling me Little One, now is it."
CROW: <Troi> Now it's *Captain* Little One to you.
> Then Clara finally appeared on screen. "Captain, you better
> work on your crew, I reached Engineering, Sick bay, and Crew Mess before
> getting though to you," She said. "Not even the youngest member of the
> Kid's crew is that bad."
MIKE: At least Troi's crew doesn't wet the bed, Lt. Princess.
> "I'll arrange some training," Deanna said.
> "We need you to continue on your present course but increase to
> warp 9.99," Clara informed. "We are about to intercept the Trakce ship.
> Hopefully with the combined might of a Nuebla,
CROW: Ooh, that ship has a creamy nuebla center!
> a Galaxy class, and a Excelsior class, we can retrieve Marrissa."
MIKE: Now the only question is, do we *want* to retrieve Marrissa.
> "Since warp 9.99 is advised, I assume that your article has been
> confirmed," Deanna inquired.
TOM: <Clara> Um, yeah, that's it, it's been confirmed. That's the ticket.
> "As of a minute ago," Clara said.
CROW: <Clara> ...by me.
> "How is it that Data and a
> person that I personally gave a copy hadn't read it but you have?"
> "I find it advisable to keep up with the latest theories of the
> person who keeps making Engineering fill up my schedule," Deanna Troi
> replied.
MIKE: I liked it. Best work of fiction I've read in a long time!
> "Coral Sea out. Troi to Bridge. increase speed to warp 9.99,
> Red Alert, Battle stations
>
>
> Chapter Seven
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Clara returned from the Sutherland's ready room and said,
TOM: "Aahh, that fiber really works wonders."
> "All ships have been informed. The Coral Sea and the Independence are on
> coarse.
> "Excellent, time to intercept tactical?" Data replied.
> "Fifteen seconds.'
> "All hands to Battle stations, RED ALERT," Clara ordered.
CROW: We're still 16 seconds from battle, yellow alert is okay.
> "Open a channel to the Trakce vessel," Data commanded.
MIKE: <Data> Excuse me, I'm trying to command here?
> "Channel open."
> "Trakce vessel, this is the Federation Starship Sutherland,
> please return Lieutenant Picard at once or we will be forced to open
> fire.
TOM: All Starfleet officers are graduates of the ATF School of Hostage
Negotiation!
> "Take your best shot," was the Trakce's reply coupled with a
> brace of torpedoes. The Sutherland shock.
CROW: That was when Julia Roberts left him, right?
> "Return fire," Clara ordered in the traditional first officer
> manner
MIKE: With her feet apart, head tilted forward, and face bearded?
> The Sutherland and the Trakce ship began to exchange volleys
> while traveling side by side at warp 9.99 .
CROW: Woo! Highway tennis!
TOM: You know, I'm pretty sure that's against the laws of physics.
>
> Meanwhile on the Independence, Jay was preparing for his entry
> into the fray. "Has engineering been decontaminated?" he asked.
MIKE: Okay, who booted?
> "Yes," his chief engineer, Tira Nomel replied.
CROW: <Belgian accent> Miss Lemon, please check the warp core. The little
grey cells say there is something wrong with it.
> "Take your team down there and prepare for battle," Jay ordered.
TOM: It's time to kill the regular chief engineer.
> "Time to intercept?"
> "Thirty Seconds," Sibek responded.
> "All hands to battle stations, RED ALERT," Jay commanded.
MIKE: <announcer> Thrill to 230 different commanders ordering red alerts!
>
> When the Independence arrived on the port-side of the battle, the
> Sutherland and the Trakce vessel were letting each other have it.
CROW: Oh, that's nice of them.
> The Galaxy class vessel pulled up beside the Trakce vessel and opened fire.
> The Trakce vessel flinched to the starboard as phasers and photon
> torpedoes impacted there shields.
TOM: You flinched! I get to hit you on the arm!
MIKE: Let's face it. If a word has two spellings, Ratliff will pick the
wrong one.
>
> "Continue to parallel the Trakce ship, Robert," Jay said.
CROW: Now J.R. Dobbs is on board!
> "Sibek, watch your targeting, we just want to disable them."
>
> On board the Coral Sea, Commander Deanna Troi was preparing for
> battle.
TOM: <Troi> I just have enough time to put on my lipstick and mascara!
> "Intercept time, Tactical?" she requested.
> "Ninety seconds," tactical returned.
MIKE: ...deleting its automatic variables.
> "Be ready to fire," Troi said. "They will be coming up to the
> aft, port-side."
> "Captain, we might be able to travel backwards, allowing us to
> bring more weapons to bare," the CONN Officer suggested.
CROW: Hey, this is a family show!
> "Engineering, would traveling backwards effect our speed?" Troi
> asked.
TOM: No, but that beeping is as annoying as hell.
> "Not after the initial turn," the Engineer replied.
MIKE: Here it is in the fanfic writers' guide: "Ask a stupid question, lose
a turn."
> "Make the turn, CONN," Troi ordered.
> The Coral Sea's warp engines dipped as it's saucer rose.
CROW: Its mother slapped it and told it to stop drinking out of the saucer.
> The Excelsior Class Starship continued until it was facing backwards up
> side down.
TOM: Define upside-down, in deep space.
MIKE: And now the USS Coral Sea will present Ratliff's cognitive skills
through interpretive dance.
> Righting itself, it resumed full speed as the battle came in
> front of the ship instead of the rear.
CROW: Whoops! We've got to be on the exact same plane as the other ship!
It's a cardinal rule of Star Trek!
> The Coral Sea joined the fire storm
TOM: <singing> Hey hey, burned away in the night on fire and the sunless
day...
> and the Trakce vessel's turn became more pronounced/
> Suddenly two shots from the Trakce ship pierced the
> Sutherland and Independence's shields. A globe-like object attached
> itself to the Sutherland's hull near the warp core ejection plate and
> another did likewise outside the Independence.
MIKE: It's a bug-hunt, man.
>
> "Power drain from the warp core," Clara announced. "We are
> losing speed."
CROW: <Clara> I guess I was wrong, after all.
>
> On the Independence, Jay's helmsman, Robert Yamoto announced, "We
> are losing speed."
TOM: Ensign Ethnic to the rescue!
> "Bridge to Engineering," Jay said. "Tira, what is going on down
> there?"
MIKE: Spin the Bottle, sir.
> "We are losing power," Tira replied. "I', attempting to track
> it down now ... SHIT!
CROW: Piles of it, dead ahead!
> Drop out of warp now."
> "We are fighting a battle, Tira," Jay replied. "I need a
> reason."
> "The power drain is being caused by a device on our hull and it
> looks like it is building up towards exploding, right below anti-matter
> storage," Tira responded. "I have to shut down the core."
> "Robert take us out of warp," Jay commanded. "Karla inform our
> fellow Starfleet vessels."
> "Already done," Karla replied.
TOM: <Jay> How *dare* you usurp my command!
>
> The Sutherland and the Independence left the Coral Sea to fight
> alone. Though the stars the Trakce ship and the Coral Sea fought,
> speeding along at warp 9.99 .
MIKE: So... the two ships are still fighting, then?
CROW: It's the text equivalent of one of those filler shots.
>
> Meanwhile in Klingon Space,
TOM: ...another fantastic coincidence was about to occur.
> Worf was testing a prototype for the
> Klingon Imperial Navy. One and a quarter the length of a Galaxy Class
> Starship, this vessel boasted better weapons than mot other ships.
MIKE: It had twin Super Soaker Cannons!
> In fact in the Alpha Quadrant only the Defiant was had better.
CROW: The Defiant's been had!
> "Father, this Operations console needs serious work," Alexander,
> son of Worf said.
> "That is my opinion as well," Worf replied.
> "If this was my ship, I'd be ripping out this Console and the
> Engineering station and replacing them with Federation Models,"
> Alexander said.
TOM: <Alexander> And then I'd crash it into the sun! It'd be so cool!
> Just as Alexander completed that sentence the bridge
> doors opened and several Klingons entered carrying boxes of various
> sizes.
MIKE: Letters from the children! This proves that Santa exists!
> "You can start with the operations console, now," Worf ordered.
> The Klingons ripped out the console and some of the surrounding area.
CROW: Hey, that unscrews, you know!
> "What model?" Alexander asked.
> "Intrepid one B," Worf replied.
TOM: Isn't that a rap group?
> "Incoming call from a Federation Starship, the USS Coral Sea,"
> the communications officer said. "Captain Deanna Troi commanding."
> "On Screen."
MIKE: In Stereo.
CROW: Closed Captioned.
TOM: Prerecorded Before a Live Audience.
> Deanna Troi appeared on the screen. "Worf, I'm trying to
> disable a Trakce ship which has kidnapped the Captains daughter. We are
> heading at warp 9.99 toward your location."
MIKE: Jeez, in every other Trek story there's not another ship in the whole
quadrant!
> "I will meet you as soon as the Trakce enter Klingon Space,"
> Worf said.
CROW: And as soon as we can get our ops console put back in.
> "We will then direct them towards the most powerful warship
> in the Quadrant."
> "I'll arrange for everyone to meet us there," Troi responded.
> "Everyone?"
TOM: <Worf> I was hoping it would just be the two of us, snugglebunny.
> "Captain Picard in command of the Stargazer; LaForge, the
> Polaris; Jay Gordon, the Independence; and Data, the Sutherland."
> "Large fleet, who is in command?"
MIKE: <Troi> What did you call me?
> "Admiral Scott on paper.
CROW: He isn't housebroken yet.
> Captain Picard in reality."
TOM: Shari Belafonte in Beyond Reality.
> "Thank you, inform the Captain that I look forward to meeting
> him at Deep Space Nine."
> "You are awful sure of yourself, Worf"
MIKE: Strong enough for a Klingon... but made for a Romulan.
> "As always."
CROW: It's the testosterone poisoning.
>
>
> Chapter Eight
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Commander Riker and Commander Sisko were chatting in Commander
> Sisko's office on Deep Space Nine.
TOM: And in yet *another* unrelated story...
> "I hear you cleaned out Quirk again," Sisko said.
ALL: EWWW!!!!!!
MIKE: Captain Gym Z. Quirk?
> "You should see the twitch he has when I enter his bar," Riker
> replied.
CROW: <Riker> I tell you, he'll never look at another man again.
> "Ops to Commanders Riker and Sisko."
> "Sisko here."
> "Message from Captain Picard for both of you," Kira's voice
> replied.
> "Pipe it in here, Major."
ALL: <imitate a bagpipe>
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard appeared on screen from the bridge of
> the Stargazer. "Commander Sisko, you are about to have a lot of
> visitors," he said.
TOM: The Dead are coming for a concert.
> "Why?" Sisko asked. "and more importantly how many?"
MIKE: <Sisko> I need to know how many placesettings to put out.
> "The Trakce have made another appearance and this time they have
> made off with my daughter," Picard replied.
CROW: And I told them to be home by ten, dammit!
> "Chase was given by several
> starships, losing them once. Currently the Coral Sea under Captain
> Deanna Troi and the IKV Kempec under Lieutenant Commander Worf are
> driving them toward you.
TOM: Yee-ha! Get along, little Trakce!
CROW: So Deep Space 9 is really close to Klingon territory?
MIKE: As someone said on Usenet, there's a fine line between suspension of
disbelief and hanging your disbelief by the neck until dead, dead, dead.
> The other ships chasing Marrissa's Kidnapers
> will be meeting up with them there.:
TOM: This is like "Cannonball Run"... except maybe a little better.
> "Which ships?" Sisko asked.
> "Under whose command?" Riker added.
ALL: AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
CROW: Jeez, didn't you read the last chapter?
> "The Stargazer under myself; the Polaris, Lieutenant Commander
> Geordi LaForge; the Sutherland, Lieutenant Commander Data; and the
> Independence under Jay Gordon."
MIKE: Thank you, Captain Exposition.
> "It's not even a month after the Enterprise was declared a lose
> and already Enterprise alumni have command of six starships," Riker
> smiled.
TOM: Our evil plan of galactic domination appears to be working!
> "Who is this Jay Gordon?" Sisko asked.
> "he use to be Marrissa's first officer on the Kid's crew,"
> Picard replied. "He is an excellent commander for his age. But then
> all of Marrissa's crew are excellent officers for their age. He has a
> 18 minute Kobayshi Maru time."
> "Eighteen minutes," Sisko exclaimed.
> "Marrissa holds the record at 21:14," Picard replied.
CROW: Too bad nobody else in Starfleet actually times themselves.
> "What are we going to do with this Trakce ship?" Sisko asked.
MIKE: Follow it to the next plot point, I guess.
> "Disable them and get my daughter back," Picard replied. "Hopefully,
> begin surrounded by six starships and a space station will convince them
> to surrender."
TOM: The space station is going to join the chase? Uh oh, they're in
trouble now!
> "Seven starships, three runabouts and a space station,
> Captain," Sisko corrected. "Plus what ever Bajor wants to send."
CROW: <British accent> Wait, make that 7 starships, 3 runabouts, a space
station, and a giant negated-space turkey of infinite power. No, no,
*eight*... look, I'll come in again.
> "Thank you Commander, Stargazer out."
> "Commander Riker, take the Defiant out," Sisko said. "Oh and
> Commander I want her back when your done."
MIKE: Have her back by midnight, and remember to use protection!
>
> Meanwhile on the Trakce ship Marrissa was enjoying the shaking
> and shuttering it was suffering.
ALL: <clear throats>
> Her questioner was not. "It seems
> that Ath Russel hasn't learnt anything in the past three years," she
> said. "Too bad."
TOM: So... when does the brutal interrogation begin?
ALL: <chanting> Torture! Torture! Torture!
> The the intercom said, "Hej, bring the girl to the bridge."
CROW: It it has quite a reverb.
> "things aren't going well for you," Marrissa stated as they
> entered the bridge from the attached interagation room.
> On the bridge the view screen was split between two images.
MIKE: It's a conference call!
> The right one was the forward view of the backward traveling USS Coral Sea.
TOM: It's the wackiest ship in Starfleet!
> The left was the rear view which was the Klingon prototype Kempec. Both
> were firing intensely.
CROW: ...at each other.
> "Current speed helm," Ath Russel inquired.
MIKE: Hey, his name changed! He was Ath Ressel before!
> "Warp 3 and deceasing," a Trakce with a yellow and a green
> ribbon in his hair. "We are unable to alter coarse without serious harm
> to our shields."
TOM: <Helm> Just take my word for it.
> "You are in big trouble ," Marrissa interrupted.
CROW: <whiny Marrissa voice> I'm gonna tell on you!
> "but kidnapping a Starfleet Lieutenant is asking for it."
> "Be silent," the Ath ordered.
> "No," Marrissa replied.
CROW: <again> You can't make me!
> "Do you challenge my authority, girl-rl," Ath Russel growled.
> "I can't," Marrissa replied.
> "Explain why?" Ath replied.
MIKE: It's not the end of the chapter yet.
> Marrissa smiled as the Helmsman interrupted, "They have forced us
> out of warp."
> The viewscreen switched to a circular view. showing every ship
> surrounding them.
TOM: When did they have CircleVision installed?
CROW: When they were an attraction at SpaceDisney.
> Directly ahead was the Excelsior class starship Coral
> Sea. NCC-9397. Forty-five degrees to the starboard the Galaxy class
> starship Independence stood weapons ready. Directly to starboard the
> USS Stargazer, Constellation Class NCC-2893, readied for battle. Next
> the Nebula Class starship Sutherland positioned itself in textbook
> attack stance.
MIKE: Its economics books were armed and ready for deployment.
> Directly behind them the Klingon prototype vessel the
> IKV Kempec stood ready.
TOM: ...to blow the Sutherland out of existance.
> Forty five degrees more around the USS Defiant
> NX-74205 shimmered into view. Directly to port Deep Space Nine stood at
> the ready.
CROW: Well, as ready as a stationary object can be, anyway.
> The final ship, the USS Polaris readied for battle half-way
> between DS9 and the Coral Sea.
MIKE: <Spock> Their patterns indicate two-dimensional thinking.
> "Helm, full stop," Ath Russel ordered. Above the Trakce vessel
> three Starfleet Runabouts moved into place. Below six Bajor vessels did
> likewise.
TOM: If there's a battle, they'll all be killed in one colassal crossfire.
> "Incoming message form the vessel directly to starboard," a
> Trakce with a yellow and a blue ribbon announced.
CROW: He took first at state, but only third at nationals.
> "On screen."
> Captain Picard appeared on the screen. "this is Captain Jean
> Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Stargazer. I see you have
> Lieutenant Marrissa Picard," he observed. "I'd appreciate if you'd send
> her back."
MIKE: You can keep the rest of her, though.
> "Why should I?"
> "Because you are not leaving until you do," Picard replied.
TOM: <Picard> Now you go straight to your room, young man.
> "Then you better prepare to fight. Ready all weapons."
CROW: He's outnumbered, what, 20 to 1? He's not too bright, is he?
MIKE: The Trakce are just hopelessly inept as a species.
> "Belay that order," Marrissa countermanded with authority.
> "How dare you challenge my authority," Ath Russel said angerly.
TOM: <Trakce> I'll show you authority - I'll end this chapter!
>
>
> Chapter Nine
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The Tracke Captain stood angerly before Marrissa who still wore
> her read and black swimming suit.
MIKE: Hey, it's a Necronomicon swimsuit.
> Ge was ready to seend Marrissa to meet her maker.
CROW: <chanting> Do it... do it... do the deed...
> "How dare you," Ath Russel repeated.
> "You asked me earlier why I couldn't challenge you," Marrissa
> replied. "According to your own laws if you defeat someone they command
> you.
TOM: So... if you lose, you are put in command?
MIKE: <chuckling> That would explain a lot, actually.
CROW: For those of you playing along at home, she's got that ass-backwards.
> It is the responsablity of the defeated to renew the confect."
> "No girl has defeated me," Russel scowled.
> "Think back three years," Marrissa said. "You tried to capture
> a Federation shuttle from the USS Enterprise, the April.
TOM: Has it really been three years since we started this fanfic?
CROW: Seems like it.
> It was forced down an a nearby plant. The Pilot and co-Pilot were killed.
MIKE: Thus beginning Marrissa's wholesale slaughter of the Trakce species.
> As the
> oldest surving person I took command. You lead a team sown and tried to
> capture me and my friends. You lost three crew members and retreated,
> panic stricken."
> Captain Picard then got into the act. "Remember this Ath?" he
> asked.
CROW: Then Picard dropped his pants and mooned him!
> The viewsceen showed a Trakce shuttle exiting the planet's
> atmostsphere. "You were so scared you left after I fired a couple shots
> at you." The veiw continued as the Enterprise fired a couple of shots
> and the Track ship retreated. "Seems to me that Marrissa has you under
> her command."
TOM: That just leaves Admiral Necheyev she hasn't commanded.
> "If you arem't challenging mem I'd like that braclet of yours,"
> Marrissa said sweetly.
MIKE: <Marrissa> It would look great with my red dress and pumps.
> This infurreated the Ath
CROW: A Trakcen Warewolf in London!
> and he rushed Marrissa. She side
> stepped him and stuck out her foot.
TOM: <Ath> Whoops, should've seen *that* one coming...
> The Ath tripped and fell knocking
> his head on a nearby console. This left him dazed.
MIKE: This isn't "Star Trek" so much as "Road Runner".
> "You won't mind me taking this will you?" Marrissa mutted
> removing the Trakce's bracelet.
> "What is your command?" the helmsman asked of the young human
> girl.
> "Lower shields and prepare for my inspection party to beam
> aboard," Marrissa ordered her new crew.
CROW: And thus, any sparks of dramatic tension are quickly extinguished.
> Turning to the viewscreen she
> continued, "Dad, I see Lieutenant Lochard is aboard your ship.
TOM: <Picard> Yeah. Could you get him to stop kissing my feet?
> Send him
> over with what ever engineers you can spare who would like to admire an
> alien craft."
MIKE: <Marrissa> ...and me.
> "Consider it done," her father replied. "Anything else."
> "Yes, bring me a uniform, I've been sitting in a wet swimming
> suit for the past five hours," Marrissa said.
CROW: It hasn't dried yet? She must be cold-blooded.
> "Lieutenant Picard out.
> Communications, request a docking port from Deep Space Nine."
>
>
> Epilogue
> ~~~~~~~~
ALL: <much rejoicing>
TOM: Bring it on home, Ratliff!
MIKE: Our long national nightmare is over! Well, almost...
> After returning the Sutherland, the Polaris, and the Stargazer,
CROW: ...and being court-martialed for starship theft...
> and curing the crew of the Independence,
TOM: ...with a wave of Marrissa's magic wand...
> Starfleet sent a runabout to
> take the former command crew of the Enterprise-D to their new ship.
> "Did you find out what ship we are getting?" Riker asked Captain Picard.
MIKE: <Riker> They never tell me anything.
> "We will probably get a garbage scowl after losing the
> Enterprise," Geordi commented.
> "Their are no garbage scowls currently in Starfleet," Data
> replied.
CROW: No, everybody's pretty damn perky, aren't they?
> "Well, Captain?" Doctor Crusher asked after a moments silence.
> "What ship are we getting?"
TOM: I understand it's called the Andrea Doria.
> "They just told me that our next mission is stellar survey of
> Sector 515," Captain Picard said.
MIKE: <Picard> Then they told me to bring a spacesuit, and laughed. How odd!
> "And that this runabout would take us
> to our new ship. Then Admiral Necheyev sent me out while she talked to
> Marrissa."
CROW: <Picard> I caught the word "tampons"...
> "So, it's a new ship then," Troi responded.
> "Not necessarily, Counselor," LaForge replied. "It may be a
> refit.
> "Now entering spacedock," Marrissa announced.
> "Aren't you going to transfer control to Spacedock?" Riker
> asked.
> "No, unlike yourself I know which ship is ours," Marrissa
> responded.
TOM: Having a vast spy network has its advantages.
> "You know and you are letting us guess," Geordi said as they
> passed a Nebula class starship.
MIKE: <Marrissa> I love watching you squirm!
> "Admiral Necheyev ordered me not to tell," Marrissa said
> piloting around an Intrepid class starship.
CROW: So this is how Stafleet Command gets their thrills. Whee.
> "Plus I enjoy listening to speculation."
TOM: <Marrissa> And thinking I'm better than you.
> "And their is no way you are going to tell us," LaForge asked.
> "No, What do you think of this one?" Marrissa questioned
> piloting around the rear of an Ambassador class starship.
MIKE: Her butt's too big.
> "38 percent chance," Data replied.
CROW: Data, once and for all, SHUT UP!
TOM: That's all he does in this fanfic: generate odds!
MIKE: He'd be a hit in Vegas, at least.
> "That so," Marrissa responded. She then banked hard to the port
> It was now on coarse toward and Excelsior class starship.
> "An Excelsior, we are going to get an Excelsior," Riker stated.
TOM: Hey! This is the ending from "Star Trek IV"!
MIKE: Ratliff couldn't come up with an ending on his own, so he ripped
one off.
CROW: Well, at least he chose to plagarize one of the *good* films.
> Marrissa then altered her coarse just a little and they passed
> between the port warp engine and the dorsal.
TOM: She's possessed by the spirit of Catbert.
> In was now on coarse to a
> Galaxy class starship with a new style of warp engines. "May be not
> then," Riker stated.
MIKE: May be later.
> They as they neared the main shuttlebay they noticed that the
> name of the ship was covered with a large tarp.
CROW: To protect it from the big storms in spacedock, I guess.
> When they came with in
> 25 meters of it, it began to be pulled into the main shuttlebay. As it
> moved upwards the name Enterprise was revealed.
MIKE: Everyone surprised by this? <nobody raises their hands>
> "Ladies in gentlemen, we are home," Captain Picard said.
TOM: <Picard> I stole Shatner's line, and I'm proud of it!
CROW: "Ladies in gentlemen"? Isn't that usually the other way around?
MIKE: Crow!
> As they landed in the shuttlebay Marrissa dead-panned, "How did
> that starship get in the way?" The crew spun around to face her. Then
> realizing that she was joking laughed.
CROW: Then Riker finally got a good shot at her.
>
> Arriving on the bridge of the Enterprise NCC-1701-E, the crew
> took in their stations and the Captain checked his ready room. "Number
> One order replacement panels for my walls," Picard said after taking a
> look at his office.
TOM: Number Six, I want information.
> "Aye sir," Riker responded. "What color is Starfleet trying
> now?"
> "Pea-green walls with gold funature," Picard said.
MIKE: Starfleet shouldn't have hired Ray Charles to decorate their ships.
> "Try to get some shade of blue panels and I will keep the funature.
CROW: <Picard> And maybe some pink curtains, with a nice floral design...
> Data status of the crew?"
TOM: Bored stiff, sir.
> "All 429 people are on board,"
MIKE: That's a long way from 1400 on the old Enterprise.
CROW: This crew is so inept, that's all Starfleet was willing to trust
them with.
> "Marrissa take us out, best possible speed," Picard ordered
> "Aye, sir, 37 percent impulse," Marrissa replied.
>
>
TOM: Not warp 9.999999999999999?
MIKE: That's the best we can do until they give us the other warp nacelle.
>
>
>
>
CROW: So is that it? Can we go?
TOM: No, no, wait a second.
> From: srat...@ruacad.ac.runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
CROW: Damn!
> Subject: Away From Home Final Message
MIKE: He doesn't really mean the "final", does he? It's a cruel joke,
isn't it?
> Message-ID: <D7tBL...@ruacad.ac.runet.edu>
> Organization: Radford University
> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
> Date: Sat, 29 Apr 1995 20:01:03 GMT
> Lines: 71
>
> Away From Home , Message from the Author
TOM: In case you've been longing for more of his prose.
>
> Thank you for taking time to read my storyies once again. I
> have enjoyed your comments on them and look forward to hearing from you
> again.
MIKE: He really is like Ed Wood - he doesn't have a *clue*!
> If you have not told me what you think about my stories please
> feel free
ALL: IT STINKS!
> to email me at either :
>
> srat...@ruacad.ac.runet.edu
> or
> srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>
> If you would like to read my stories and some how my final
> repost of the semester missed you.
CROW: ...then count your blessings, lucky reader.
> They are in the following archive in
> the following directory :
>
> ftp.cis.ksu.edu
> in the
> pub/alt.startrek.creative/story/TNG/Stephen_Ratliff
>
> They are also on the world wide web at this location :
>
> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>
> Now for a note on the Stories them selves.
TOM: <Ratliff> I have been informed I will be burning in hell for all
eternity for writing them.
> Away From Home is a
> three part story about the first three contacts of a new race
MIKE: Three contacts? I guess they lost one and had to have it replaced.
> and minor
> menace known as the Trakce. The story also tells of how the Kid's crew
> was formed, Marrissa's first Away Mission, and her vacation to avoid
> the press after the Enterprise crashed,
CROW: All that happened in such a... *long* time.
> The first part is set after the
> TNG episode "Imaganary Friend" and before any of my prevous stories.
TOM: Even Asimov couldn't write good pre-quels.
> The second part covers the peroid after Who Q? Where Q? intill the crash
> of the Enterprise-D. Finally the third part covers the aftermath of
> that crash.
> As my fifth story it may require some reading of the other
> stories.
MIKE: <pointing at "require"> You misspelled "encourage you to avoid like
the plague".
> For instance some people are still inquiring how Marrissa got her rank.
CROW: She ate a lot of garlic.
> That is explained in Cadet Cruise and her promotion to
> Lieutenant Junior grade in Who Q? Where Q?. Another instance might be
> the refence to Lt. Andrews of his father being under her command (see
> Who Q? Where Q?)
>
> So here is the complete list of Marrissa stories :
>
> Enterprized
TOM: Bad.
> A Gul's Revenge
TOM: Worse.
> Cadet Cruise
> Who Q? Where Q?
TOM: Unknown.
> Away From Home
TOM: Too horrible to contemplate.
>
> Anne-Lise Pasch has also written an excellant story using the
> Kid's Crew
CROW: He's got *followers*?
> in a projected future story, Genterations 2 (Generations
> Ahead) which I heartly suggest you read.
MIKE: So has she written it, or is it just projected?
> In fact Anne if you are
> reading this -- write a sequel if you need a way to do so email me.
> it is availible in tha archive as well. (but not on my homepage)
TOM: Thank god for small mercies.
>
> Please feel free to send me any comments, compliments,
> complaints or conserns.
CROW: Or conferments, connections, compartments, or combobulations.
>
>
> ______ Stephen Ratliff
> _-' . .`-_
> |/ / .. . ' .\ \| Radford Unversity Student
> |/ / ..\ \| (Sophmore)
> \|/ |: . ._|_ .. . | \|/ email:
> \/ | _|_ .| . .: | \/ srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
> \ / |. | . . .| \ / (perfered) or
> \||| . . . _|_ .|||/ srat...@ruacad.ac.runet.edu
> \__| \ . :. .|. ./ |__/
> __| \_ . .. _/ |__ home address:
> __| `-______-' |__ 5249 Lakeland Drive
> -,____ ____,- Roanoke, Va 24018
MIKE: Let's hope for a repeat of the lost Colony.
> ---' `---
>
>
>
CROW: AND WE'RE DONE!
ALL: YAY!!!
MIKE: Let's get out of here while we still can!
[Mike and the robots exit the theater.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...*...
[SOL. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the counter. There is a stack
of cardboard pieces on the counter.]
ALL: <breath a huge sigh of relief>
MIKE: Wow, that one was pretty rough.
CROW: Yep. Yet another Ratliff epic down the drain.
TOM: It astounds me to think of how prolific this guy is, and he doesn't
have a *clue* as to how much pain he's causing.
MIKE: That's a good point, there, Tom. I mean, he's written five full
Star Trek fanfics in only two years of college.
CROW: And we haven't even *seen* "Cadet Cruise" or "Who Q, Where Q" yet!
TOM: Shhhh!!
CROW: Oh yeah. Sorry.
MIKE: Anyway, assuming that Ratliff graduates on time...
TOM: And considering the amount of work that goes into his fanfics, I'm
sure he has plenty of time to study...
MIKE: ...that means he'll have written 10 fanfics by the time he graduates.
CROW: And that's assuming he doesn't do any graduate work!
TOM: Ugh. That's too horrible to think about, Crow.
MIKE: Anyway, it looks like we have a *lot* of Ratliff to look forward to.
So I thought it might be a fun thought exercise to speculate on
the future of Ratliff's characters.
CROW: Um... why?
MIKE: Well, I got these cards made and everything, so...
CROW: Oh, all right.
[Mike's cards all have a name written on them. He says the name as he
flips up each card.]
MIKE: <flips card> Marrissa Picard.
TOM: Like most child stars, Marrissa got burned out in the media spotlight.
After achieving the rank of Grand Admiral at the tender age of 15,
she turned to drugs and a life of crime. She once again became the
center of attention as she took control of a fully-armed battleship
and slaughtered an entire species of peaceful, fun-loving aliens
because they were wearing colored ribbons in their hair. She was
court-martialed and convicted, as the jury didn't buy her now-famous
"PMS Defense." She disappeared for a time, only to reappear in the
news years later by knocking over a liquor store on Starbase 121.
MIKE: <flips card> Clara Sutter.
CROW: Clara went to Starfleet Academy, but was never quite able to escape
the shadow of Marrissa Picard. She did well in the Engineering
program and wrote several more scientific essays that were not
taken seriously by the few people who read them. Her lone claim
to fame was when she received the Wesley Crusher Award for being
voted the nerdiest loser in her class. She is currently living
alone and afraid, surrounded by her only friends, 23 cats named
"Boo-Boo".
MIKE: <flips card> Shayna Sachs.
TOM: Killed in Vietnam. Next?
MIKE: <flips card> Jay Gordon.
CROW: After his largely unsuccessful stint as acting-Captain, Jay decided
that Starfleet was not for him. He dropped out of the Kids Crew
and joined an improvisational theater troupe called Fungus Amongus.
He later went on to star in an off-Broadway version of "Mighty
Morphin' Power Rangers," and found his greatest fame by playing Ben,
the wacky chief of security, in the hit comedy "Warp Factors Ahead!"
MIKE: <flips card> Ensign Najib Fahim.
TOM: After serving a two-year sentence for statutory rape, Fahim went on
to unsuccessfully run for Federation office. He currently hosts his
own radio talk show.
MIKE: <flips card> The entire Trakce race.
CROW: The Trakce ended up being nothing more than a footnote in history,
a race remembered for their astounding stupidity and complete
ineptitude, after Romulans invaded their homeworld. While
attempting to fight off the invaders, the Trakcen ships got
confused when nobody could remember what color hair ribbons meant
what, so nobody knew who was in command. The Romulans easily
dispatched the Trakcen ships, and their race was completely
wiped out. This is often remembered as the Battle of Duuuhhhh...
[There is much giggling as Mike puts away his cards. The Mads' light
begins flashing.]
MIKE: Whoops, Dr. Forrester is calling. <he hits the light> Hey, Dr. F,
I guess that was the last Ratliff fanfic for a while, right?
[D13. Forrester is close to the camera.]
DR.F: Don't count on it, Chris Crocker! I've put my tendrils out on the
Internet, and I *will* find the other Ratliff stories! The pain
has only *begun* to begin! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[The dorrbell rings. Forrester looks confused.]
DR.F: Who could that be?
[Forrester walks back to the vault door and opens it. A stream of little
kids enter Deep 13. They are aged about 5 to 10, and are all wearing
Starfleet uniforms. The kids begin chasing each other, playing with
the lab equipment, shouting, laughing, and generally getting into everything
in the way that kids do. Forrester looks aghast. He looks even more
aghast as a blond-haired girl of about 13 years enters behind them.
She is also wearing a Starfleet uniform.]
MARRISSA: hi I'm Marrissa Picard. Bow down before me, inferoir person.
DR.F: Now just wait a minute...
MARRISSA: I wood like to infrom you. that your lab will now be run by
my Kids' Crew. Do you have a prblem with that, stuped Adult?
DR.F: But... but...
[The door opens again, and this time there are reporters on the other
side. The reporters' camera flash. Forrester begins slowly backing
away from the door, moving towards us.]
MARRISSA: Oh, how I hate the media. i can never get away from the.
Okay, just a few picturres.
[Marrissa begins posing for their cameras.]
MARRISSA: Dont you just love me. Aren't I the most adorable thing youve
ever seen?
[Forrester almost backs into the camera. At the last second he turns
around. His face is filled with fear.]
DR.F: Help... me...
[Forrester pushes the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
----*---- PWOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
[Roll credits.]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations are
copyright of Best Brains, Inc. This is a work of fanfiction and
is not meant to infringe on that copyright. Likewise, Star Trek
in all of its many forms is a bloated franchise copyrighted to
Paramount. This MiSTing is *not* a personal attack on Stephen
Ratliff, however much he hay deserve it. It is meant in fun and
games and shouldn't be taken seriously.
> "I hear you cleaned out Quirk again," Sisko said.
> "You should see the twitch he has when I enter his bar," Riker
> replied.