[MiSTing] A MerNix Collection
FlamingHat
author. In this MSTing, I do not intend to offend the deaf, dwarfs, Germans, or
anybody else, I am just criticizing the way these groups of people are
represented by the author of these stories. I think much more highly of all
groups of people than this author has decided to them appear. Read on, and I'm
sure you'll see what I mean.
<opening sequence>
<6...5...4...3...2...1...>
<pens on SOL>
MIKE: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and this
is Crow...
CROW: Howdy.
MIKE: ...and Tom Servo...
SERVO: Yo.
MIKE: ...and then over here is Gypsy.
GYPSY: Hello.
MIKE: We've decided to all sit down together, spend some quality time with each
other, and boost our self-esteem!
CROW: I don't know that this is such a good idea, Mike...
SERVO: Yeah, remember what happened last time with the goats and all...
MIKE: Don't worry, that won't happen again. Are we ready?
CROW: I suppose...
MIKE: Good. Now, first, we're all going to go around and make a positive
comment about Tom.
SERVO: What?
MIKE: It's for your own good, Tom. Here, I'll start. Tom, you're always there
for me when I need a friend to depend on, especially after all these horrible
stories we're forced to read.
SERVO: Mike, please...
MIKE: Your turn, Gypsy.
GYPSY: Okay. Uh...Tom...you're really weird. In a good way.
SERVO: Aw, shucks.
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Uh...I'm thinking...uh...okay, I got one. Tom, you're really funny. That
is, funny to watch, when you're being torn apart by dozens of goats, and and
your internal organs are spilling out onto the floor as you writhe in agony,
spewing...
MIKE: Hey! We said we weren't going to bring that up!
SERVO: Oh, what's with you and GOATS, huh? You and your goats, Crow! That's all
you ever talk about! Why don't you MARRY the goats, Crow?
MIKE: Now wait a second! This isn't at all...
CROW: I'll show you a goat, ya little...
GYPSY: Uh...commercial sign.
MIKE: Oh great. We'll be...hey! Put that down, Tom! No, that's really glass!
Uh, we'll be right back.
<commercials>
<SOL looks like a battlefield; the air is filled with dust>
MIKE: Uh...you guys done?
CROW <with one eye left and no lower jaw>: Yeah, y'know, that really did boost
my self-esteem, Mike! I feel a lot better about myself, knowing that I can beat
Tom in a fight like that.
MIKE: Oh, what'd you do to him...
<SERVO approaches MIKE, with no head>
MIKE: Now that's just not fair, Crow, picking on someone smaller than
you...Servo, you head on over to the nanites, they'll fix you up...
CROW: Hey, Peter, Paul and Mary are calling...
MIKE: Ah.
<cuts to Castle Forester>
PEARL: You guys and your crazy self-esteem. That'll never get you anywhere,
didn't you learn anything from the Three Stooges?
BOBO: I don't know, Lawgiver...you never say anything nice about me...
PEARL: Right. So, anyway, folks, Brain Guy has found a few short, short stories
that'll teach you a few things about self-esteem.
OBSERVER: Well, not REALLY, ma'am, they don't have much at all to do with...
PEARL: Just shut up and send them the stories.
OBSERVER: Of course. Mike, robots...you'll be lucky to come out of this one
sane. <sends stories>
<cuts back to SOL>
CROW: Oh good, MULTIPLE short stories. Just what I needed.
MIKE: We've got story sign!
SERVO: I blame this on you, Crow!
CROW: Shut up, goat boy...
SERVO: Oh, I'm the goat boy??
<1...2...3...4...5...6...>
<cuts to theater>
SERVO: I'll show you a goat boy...
MIKE: Later, later.
>Unfortunate Good Luck
CROW: The story of how Puff Daddy attained success...
>
>Copycat Forbidden by Mer...@mernix.com, January 1993
SERVO: I AM THE ALMIGHTY MERNIX.
>
>Once upon a time, there were two little sweet boys, Hermann and Torsten,
MIKE: I was a sweet little boy, once...
>who discovered their luck on their school field trip in Belfast, Ireland
>on March 17,
>the St. Patrick's Day.
CROW: That's so we don't get confused with all the OTHER St. Patrick's Days.
>
>Their school trip gave the kids a break;
SERVO: ...from their daily chores of making wine, picking cotton, wrestling
grizzly bears, fighting the Russians...
>the kids played in the long grassy
>field,
MIKE: Someone took the idea of the "field trip" literally...
>looking for lucky clovers with four-parted leaves.
CROW: That's still better than a lot of other possible school trips, I guess...
SERVO: Well sure, like...well...it's better than seeing Ben Stein lecture,
right?
>Hermann and Torsten,
>surprisingly, encountered an old elf.
MIKE: Ah, see, that IS surprising, because the elves are usually hibernating by
this time of year.
>The elf gave the kids each an elf's
>foot
CROW: Well then! An encounter with a serial killer elf!
SERVO: Either that or an elf who's been raiding the medical waste bins...
>which granted the kids three wishes except they were forbidden to make
>more than three wishes from the original three wishes.
MIKE: Ow...that sentence hurts my brain...
>The old elf warned
>that if
>they wished in any way for more than three wishes, all of their three wishes
>would be destroyed.
CROW: Wow, think they're going to wish for more than three wishes, guys?
MIKE: Boy, I couldn't begin to guess...
>He, then, immediately disappeared
SERVO: ...disappeared, into, thin, air...
>into a spoof in the
>air as the boys blinked once.
CROW <laughing>: A "spoof" in the air?
MIKE: What, you mean, like a Leslie Nielson movie?
>The kids were stunned.
SERVO: More by the spoof in the air than anything else...
>
>After Hermann's and Torsten's contemplation about what the wishes would
>be,
>they discussed what wishes they wanted for.
CROW: Aren't the contemplation of the wishes and the discussion of the wishes
basically the same thing?
MIKE: What wishes they wanted for? What, did they convert this from German to
English with Alta Vista's translator?
>They finally decided to save
>those
>three wishes sfor later but feared that they might unconsciously speak
>their
>wish by mistake.
SERVO: So...then they'd just be getting their wishes sooner, is that so bad?
>So, they made their first wish for today and saved the
>other
>two for later.
>
CROW: Is it just me, or does this author overuse the word "for"?
MIKE: I have to say, that's not easy to do...
>Hermann made a wish that he wanted to lock now two wishes in a safe box
>to
>protect himself from his future mistake wish.
SERVO: Zaa? Come again? Wishes in a now lock two safe box future wish protect
mistake wish zygote brimful of Asha on the forty-five?
CROW: Definitely a problem in the translation...
>Unfortunately, his two wishes
>were locked and would never be unlocked.
MIKE: That might be ironic...I'm not sure...
>He begged Torsten to wish to unlock
>his wishes. However, Torsten said he would do it later; he made his first
>wish
>that he wanted to keep his two wishes in a "bank" and to get an "interest"
>on
>them.
SERVO: "Interest", eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink?
>Unfortunately, all of his wishes were destroyed since the wishes
>got
>"interest" which gave more than three wishes.
CROW: Oh, man, of course! I can't believe I didn't see that one coming!
MIKE: Actually, you did.
CROW: Yes, I did. Thank you for paying absolutely no attention to my SARCASTIC
TONE, Mike.
MIKE: Do I sense some sarcasm in your voice, Crow?
CROW: Oh, what, NOW you get the sarcasm, Mike? You're sensing some sarcasm?
MIKE: Yeah, and I think it's getting kinda hostile, too...
CROW: HOSTILE? No, now why would it be getting HOSTILE...
SERVO: Hey, guys? It's over.
MIKE: Servo, do I sense some sarcasm in your voice?
SERVO: No, it's really over, you dimwit.
MIKE: Ah-ha, I get it, it's...oh, so it is.
SERVO: Uh-huh.
CROW: The concluding sentence in that was incredible. It left me begging for
more, really...
MIKE: It did? I was kind of disappointed, frankly...
CROW: Nelson, you need to hone up a bit on your sarcasm detecting skills!
MIKE: Ha! I get ya, Crow. "Hone up", eh?
SERVO: Hey, we've got another story coming...
CROW: Aw, dammit. I'll talk with you later, Mike.
>The Three Conformed Wishes
MIKE: What, the three wishes deal AGAIN?
>
> Copyright © 1995 Jolanta Lapiak - mer...@mernix.com
SERVO: Ah, Mernix has a name!
>
>
> A Fairy Tale, Jan. 8, 1995
CROW: Apparently, the author can only write stories in January.
>
>Long, long, long years ago,
MIKE: Uh-oh. That doesn't bode well for the rest of the story.
>there lived four poor deaf young brothers and
>sisters in a small village in Germany.
SERVO: So, is the author German, then? Because that would really explain a
lot...
>In that village long, long, long
>years ago,
CROW: As opposed to short, short, short years ago...
>people looked down on deaf people with disgrace and no respect at all.
MIKE: So an elf came and gave them three wishes.
>There
>was a great communication barrier because they were not given an
>opportunity
>to learn to write and read. They cursed, mocked, and made shameful
>comments
>at the deaf people.
SERVO: The deaf people cursed, mocked, and made shameful comments at
themselves?
>The deaf suffered of great discrimination, no job
>opportunity, no good education, oppression, and coercion.
CROW: So what are we supposed to do about it???
>They were denied
>to
>the religion.
MIKE: I can see why this fairy tale never quite caught on...
>Because of those, there formed a very, very strong Deaf
>community that deaf protected, helped, cooperated and supported with >each
>other.
SERVO: And one day they will return to wreak havoc on the saxons...
>
>One day in the summer, four young siblings named Sabina, Jane, Kirk and
>Tim
CROW: Are those all really German names?
MIKE: Sabina the tenage wich?
>jumped, ran, and played in the grassy meadow far away from home.
SERVO: That's all kids do in Jolanta Lapiak stories. Jump and frolic in fields
and meadows.
>They came
>upon a poor crying dwarf who was trapped in a huge bear trap.
CROW: A twist! Not an elf this time, but a dwarf!
>
>"Help me, please!" He cried in pain, "I promise I will give you each three
>wishes
>for your help."
MIKE: But you can't use your wishes to make more wishes or there will be no
more wishes mistake wishes wishes!
>
>Four siblings looked at each other for a moment and shrugged.
SERVO: Wait, which four siblings? Just ANY four siblings?
>Jane gestured
>to the dwarf, "We are deaf and we don't understand you."
CROW: Yeah, I don't get dwarfs, either.
>
>The dwarf stared at the young humans, realizing they couldn't hear.
MIKE: Don't you think this whole dwarf thing is kind of politically incorrect?
>He
>pointed
>his finger to the trap and his feet, gestured "to open", and formed his
>hand into
>three fingers pointing to each sibling.
SERVO: But...there are FOUR siblings...who got left out?
>The siblings brightened their eyes.
>They
>looked at each other eagerly for magical wishes.
CROW: No, no, look at the dwarf! HE has the wishes!
>
>The siblings helped pull the trap open. It was very heavy and hard but
>they used
>all their effort, strength, and determination.
MIKE: I don't know, does it really require a lot of determination?
>The trap was open and the
>dwarf
>jumped out. The dwarf gratefully thanked them and granted each three
>wishes.
>He, then, abruptly disappeared into air with a eye blink.
SERVO: I'm getting deja vu...
CROW: Not in the blink of an eye, but actually with an eye blink...
MIKE: It's better than a spoof, I suppose.
>
>They quickly sat down on large rocks.
SERVO <laughing>: Quickly! To the rocks!
>They discussed, debated, disputed
>and
>argued while Tim sat silently and listened solemnly.
CROW: He LISTENED? He can HEAR now??
>Hands flew around
>wildly in
>the air until something came up that made them widen their eyes, grinned
>and
>agreed to it.
MIKE: Before you start writing stories in English, you should really get your
grammar at least a level or two above this...
>
>Sabina announced she would try the magic wishes first.
SERVO: If she didn't break out in hives, it would be safe for the others to eat
them.
>She closed her eyes
>and
>signed, "I wish I become hearing!"
CROW: And so it was. Sabina became the living embodiment of hearing.
>She opened her eyes and looked around,
>"Wow!
>I can hear! I can hear! What is that sound? A bird's chirping?"
MIKE: And I'm sure that's the exact initial reaction someone who was born deaf
would have after she was magically given the gift of hearing.
>Jane and
>Kirk
>wooed and cheered.
SERVO: They wooed? Who, each other?
>
>Jane abruptly stood up and signed, "I wish I am hearing, too!"
CROW: I have to wonder what it's like to actually BE hearing.
>Sudden of
>all, she
>could hear!
MIKE: Sudden of all??
CROW: There really isn't much I can say that would make that funnier...
>"Soon, we will join in the world with all other people!"
SERVO: Once we learn how to speak correctly...
>
>Kirk with his determination took a deep breath, "I wish I'm hearing!" In
>a
>moment, he became hearing!
MIKE: This wouldn't be so bad if Jolanta stopped referring to them as actually
BEING hearing...
>
>Sabina, Jane, and Kirk were incredibly thrilled! But, then they looked
>at Tim who
>was still pondering, all saying "What took you so long to make a decision?"
CROW: The dwarf forgot to point at me...
>They
>were frowned.
SERVO: That sentence just about sums up the quality of these stories.
>
>Tim shrugged, "I'm not sure. I think something is not right." He closed
>his eyes
>and made a wish in his thought.
MIKE: He wished they were all deaf again...
>He opened his eyes and silenced.
CROW: What did he silence? We may never know.
>Sabina,
>Jane,
>and Kirk saw that he didn't want to tell his wish.
SERVO: It turns out he wished to be seeing! Or wait, maybe he wanted to be
lawnmowing! No, no, he IS Latvia!
>
>Sabina went on, "Well, okay. Let's continue our wishes, then." They
>discussed,
>debated, disputed and argued while Tim sat silently and listened solemnly.
>Hands
>flew around wildly in the air until something came up that made them widen
>their eyes, grinned, and agreed to it.
MIKE: Now she's just repeating herself...
>
>Sabina announced, "I wish I can read and write well like all other hearing."
>Her
>wish was fulfilled.
CROW: She should have wished she made sense...
>
>Jane straightened her back and signed, "I wish I can read and write as
>good as
>all other hearing, too!" Her wish was fulfilled, as well.
SERVO: I'm glad I'm not the one fulfilling these wishes, 'cause I would be so
confused...
>
>Kirk took a deep breath and made a wish, "I wish I can read and write as
>good as
>all other hearing, too!" His wish was fulfilled.
MIKE: He made the EXACT same errors as Jane...
>
>Tim sighed and closed his eyes. He made his wish in his thought and opened
>his
>eyes. He silenced. He said nothing.
CROW: And now, we go through the process yet again.
>
>Sabina sighed and went on, "Let's make our last wish." They discussed,
>debated,
>disputed and argued while Tim sat silently and listened solemnly. Hands
>flew
>around wildly in the air until something came up that made them widen their
>eyes, grinned, and agreed to it.
SERVO: If I EVER have to read that again, I'm going to hurt someone.
>
>Sabina announced her wish, "I wish that children of my rivals will be deaf
>from
>birth."
MIKE: And the moral of this story is, deaf people suck.
CROW: This is the most offensive fairy tale ever! First the dwarf bit, now
this...
>
>Jane shoot up her back and signed, "I wish that my rivals will give birth
>to deaf
>babies."
SERVO: That's a shocker.
>
>Kirk took a deep breath and spoke, "I wish that my rivals future children
>will be
>deaf from birth."
MIKE: They all managed to word it differently...
>
>Tim humbly closed his eyes. He made his wish in his mind and opened his
>eyes.
>He silenced. He said nothing.
CROW: I really hope this is all leading up to something.
>Sabina, Jane, and Kirk frowned at Tim, "Why
>aren't
>you following us? You are a waste!"
SERVO: And you're deaf!
>
>They left the spot, walked, jumped around, and played in a joy.
MIKE: How does one go about playing in a joy?
>Tim whistled
>in
>his imagination.
CROW: What the hell does that mean?
>Sabina, Jane, and Kirk delighted with their new hearing,
>experimented with their new world of hearing, and talked in their new
>tongue
>langauge. That left Tim out in communication.
SERVO: I'll have to learn to speak in tongue language sometime.
>
>Upon arrival at home, things were changed and confused a bit.
MIKE: Tim had wished their home to become a crack house and their parents to be
made completely of Saltines...
>The deaf
>people
>quickly called for a meeting. They all gathered in one of their homes.
>They
>discussed about how the hearing neighbours in the village gave a great
>respect
>for the deaf community and people.
CROW: And it happened sudden of all, too!
>They wanted to learn some sign language.
>And, they gave them equal access to all education, religion, and career.
SERVO: All thanks to the dwarf in the bear trap.
>
>
>Sabina, Jane, and Kirk told a story to the whole deaf community.
MIKE: Actually, it was more like a dirty limerick.
>After
>listening
>to the complete story, the deaf people frowned upon the threesome for
>turning
>themselves to the hearing world.
CROW: I see. After the deaf people listened to the story. Makes perfect sense
to me.
MIKE: It does?
CROW: SARCASM, Mike!
MIKE: Oh, right, right...
>They turned to Tim, "What wishes did you
>make?"
SERVO: I wished I was Steve Allen...
>
>Tim nervously smiled, "I wished that the hearing would give all respect
>for the
>deaf people, there would be no communication barrier between the hearing
>and
>deaf worlds so the two would be bridged, and the deaf would be given full
>access to all aspects of life."
CROW: So, basically your three wishes were all the same.
>
>Their eyes brightened in joy. They cheered and huggled Tim.
MIKE: They HUGGLED him??
SERVO: Does one really WANT to be huggled?
>Sabina, Jane,
>and
>Kirk stood in silence. The crowd then turned to the threesome and signed
>gruffly, "You have got no respect for the deaf people and community,
>created
>yourseves apart from us, and cut us from the world alone."
CROW: Take your sorry dwarf and get out of here.
>They dragged
>the
>threesome outside, kicking them out from the deaf community >permamently.
MIKE: Wow, they were a harsh people...
SERVO: Wait, does it really matter, now, though? They can hear, I would think
getting kicked out of the deaf community would be expected...
>
>
>Shortly, the hearing heard the story and alienated the threesome from them.
SERVO: Ah. Never mind.
>The threesome felt disgraced and spent the rest of their lives listening
>to the
>music alone, reading a lot of books alone, and later having children who
>were
>born deaf as their last wishes were fulfilled.
CROW: When did they become their own rivals?
>Tim once told his siblings,
>"Never
>be a conformist, neither following the majority nor your siblings."
MIKE: What? When did he say that? If he said it AFTER this whole ordeal, it was
kind of late, wasn't it?
SERVO: And so, our delightful fairy tale comes to an end.
MIKE: I don't know if I'd call it delightful, Tom...
CROW: Aw, that tears it! Mike, out of the theater! I'm going to teach you a
thing or two about sarcasm...
MIKE: Oh. Well, if you really think it's necessary...
<exit theater>
<6...5...4...3...2...1...>
<cuts to SOL>
CROW: Okay, Mike. I'm going to test your sarcasm detecting skills, and we'll
see if we can improve them any.
MIKE: Sounds good.
CROW: I'll say something, and you tell me if I'm being sarcastic or not.
MIKE: Sarcastic!
CROW: I haven't started yet.
MIKE: Sarcastic!
CROW: No, you idiot, I haven't started yet!
MIKE: Uh...not sarcastic?
CROW: Right! Now then, let's begin. Boy, the weather is nice out today!
MIKE: Not sarcastic!
CROW: Try again.
MIKE: Uh...sarcastic!
CROW: And why is that?
MIKE: Um...because it's outer space so the weather CAN'T be nice outside!
CROW: Very good! Next: the Grammy awards this year are really going to suck.
MIKE: Um...not sarcastic!
CROW: Right! Why is that?
MIKE: Um...because that Soy Bomb guy can't crash one of the performances?
CROW: Now, we don't know that...
MIKE: Oh. Then...because Madonna and Sheryl Crow both got nominated for Album
of the Year?
CROW: Good! Okay, try this: I really like summer squash.
MIKE: Sarcastic!
CROW: Right! Why?
MIKE: You hate summer squash!
CROW: Very good! Mike, I think you're getting it!
MIKE: Sarcastic!
CROW: No, I mean it!
MIKE: Sarcastic!
CROW: Mike, WE'RE DONE.
MIKE: Sarcastic!
CROW: No, shut up!
SERVO: Hey, we've got story sign!
MIKE: Not sarcastic!
<1...2...3...4...5...6...>
<cuts to theater>
>The Modern S.O.S.
CROW: Well, this one CAN'T have elves or dwarfs in it, anyway...
>
>Copyright © 1997 Jolanta Lapiak, mer...@mernix.com
SERVO: Ah, Lapiak, Lapiak, Lapiak...
>
>Once upon a time, there was a Boeing-747 plane crashing into an island
>in the
>middle of the Pacific Ocean.
MIKE: A heartwarming opening to any story.
>There was the only one man alive.
CROW: Larry Ellison?
>A young
>American hacker with the I.Q. of 162 stood in front of the smoking plane.
SERVO: We can assume he's the one that survived, then?
>After
>the plane cooled down, he stared at the piles and piles of scattered
>suitcases.
MIKE: Surely, the suitcases are the most outstanding characteristic of any
plane crash.
>
>
>He smiled, "Ok,"
CROW: Wow, he's taking this well...
>he remembered something he had learned several times in
>his
>school, "choose the 10 most important items."
SERVO: Good thing he took the "Surviving On An Island After A Plane Crash"
class his sophomore year.
>
>He beamed, "Great, this time, I'm alone to make the whole decisions. No
>group
>making decision."
MIKE: Now that's something you beam about...
>
>He searched through clothes, clothes, jewelleries, books, camping
>equipment,
>flashlight, smuggling stuff... He spotted cans of beers. Ah! First item.
CROW: It would figure the most lighthearted Lapiak story would be the one about
the plane crash...
>
>
> Second item, cigarettes. Third, matches for cigarettes.
SERVO: Fourth item, little costumes for cigarettes to dress up in.
>Fourth, a summer
>folded chair. Fifth, sunglasses. Sixth, laptop. Seventh, diskettes. Eighth,
>hardcore tapes.
MIKE: Are those really going to be of much use without electricity or a VCR?
>Nineth, water. Tenth, food.
CROW: He found water AND food in the plane wreckage? Talk about lucky...
>
>"Ah, all 10 items done. Ok, now burn down the whole. Hope someone will
>notice
>the signal."
SERVO: Burn the bloody whole!
>
>First, he enjoyed all beers and cigarettes.
MIKE: And that's what really mattered.
>Then, he typed a note on his
>laptop,
>explaining that his plane had crashed.
CROW: He hoped Carmen Sandiego would be able to offer help...
>He saved it to a file as "|-|eLp.me!"
>in
>MsWord format and then encrypted it with the most powerful encryption
>ever,
>PGP, with his private key.
SERVO: What, so some salamander doesn't hack in and mess around with the
document?
>A big mistake!
MIKE: Yes, one that was made for no apparent reason...
>Anyway, he put the diskette in
>a beer
>can and taped it.
CROW: Hey, he never had any tape!
>He threw the can into the sea. Then, he repeated the
>procedure twelve times.
SERVO: With the same disk, believe it or not...
>And, he forgot to check all defected shipped diskettes
>for defects.
MIKE: Um..the end?
CROW: That's IT???
SERVO: Possibly the most pointless story ever written.
MIKE: There are so many problems with that ending...I don't know where to
start...
CROW: If he was able to load the documents onto the disks, shouldn't he have
assumed there were no defects?
SERVO: Are we to assume EVERY DISKETTE was defective?
MIKE: Is that the moral of the story? "If you're stranded on an island by
yourself, don't make encrypted SOS messages and put them in beer cans, because
the disks they're on are probably all defective."
CROW: Well, when you put it that way, it sounds like damned good advice.
MIKE: Sarcasm!
CROW: Very good!
SERVO: Next story...
>Courteous Prank
CROW: Should we bother having high hopes for this one?
MIKE: No.
>
>Copyright © 1997 Jolanta Lapiak, mer...@mernix.com
>
>This story with minor factual changes is based on a true story verbally
>told by
>my friend. -- Jolanta
SERVO: She's saying that so she doesn't have to take all the blame for it
herself...
>
>One July evening in 1989 in Boston, Massachusetts, a group of about 10
>traveling deaf people sat down in a nice restaurant, having a good time.
CROW: In came a dwarf who pointed nine fingers at all of them.
>Next to
>them was a group of middle-age hearing guys looking discriminatory.
MIKE: Wait, how does one look discriminatory? Is there a certain facial
expression that signifies discrimination?
>Deafies,
>seeing the hearing gang's facial expression, ignored them.
SERVO: DEAFIES???
CROW: This is going to make the guys mocking the deaf people the protagonists,
isn't it...
>
>Hearing One, "Hey, look at those deaf and dumb!"
MIKE: A brilliant mockery.
>"Such second-class citizens."
SERVO: Now come, don't you think that comment's just a BIT unrealistic?
>They laughed hysterically, "We can talk anything about them."
CROW: And boy will that be fun!
>
>Mocking laughter broke out. They continued to make fun of the deafies.
MIKE: I don't know, guys, the word "deafies" just doesn't seem right to me...
SERVO: Yeah, somehow the message of the story doesn't work as well when the
term "deafies" is used.
>
>
>Nabil, one of the deaf gang, signed "Look, those hearing next to us are
>laughing
>at us."
CROW: Let's start blasting Shania Twain and see how they feel about their
hearing then, heh heh.
>
>"I'm going to face them." Kapin, Deaf, stood up angrily, "I'm going to
>teach them
>something a harsh lesson."
MIKE: Now, should that be, "I'm going to teach them something...a harsh
lesson"?
SERVO: No, no, Mike, stop trying to make sense out of it.
MIKE: But...
SERVO: That's just not the way these stories work.
>
>Nabil paused Kapin, "Nonono, keep cool. Don't do that. I have a better
>idea," he
>"whispered" in sign to him.
CROW: Can one "whisper" in sign?
MIKE: And the bigger question: does one really need to?
>Deaf folks grinned ear to ear.
SERVO: All deaf folks, everywhere!
>Hope the plan
>works
>perfectly, they thought.
CROW: Well, if it didn't, this story would be pretty pointless, wouldn't it?
MIKE: So it's not out of the realm of possibility, then.
>
>Throughout the order, eating, and a lot of fun chats, they were still hurt
>by the
>hearies' continually harrassing them but they remained cool.
SERVO: The hearies and the deafies. And Jolanta wonders what it is she does
that offends everyone...
>The dinner
>was
>almost done.
CROW: ...yet the waiters kept bringing them food...
>
>Nabil stood up, came to the waiter, and showed a piece of paper.
MIKE: Have you seen my dog?
>The hearies
>gaped at them, wondering.
SERVO: A piece of paper! We're in trouble now!
>As soon as the waiter was done with reading the
>piece of paper, Nabil raised his hand at one of the hearies, nodded, and
>smiled.
CROW: Heil Hitler!
>The dumbfounded hearing raised his hand and nodded.
MIKE: Heil Hitler!
>The waiter okayed and
>Nabil came back to the table.
SERVO: It's okay, guys, they're Nazis, too.
>
>The deaf gang was done and left the table.
CROW: Knowing Jolanta, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the conclusion of
the story...
>Shortly later, the hearies received
>a
>bill receipt of estimated $400. One of them shouted, "What?! This costs
>incredibly outrageous! Almost double what we ordered!"
MIKE: Well, you know how taxes are around here...
>The other guy called
>the
>waiter, "Please will you care to explain this mistake?!"
SERVO: No.
>
>The puzzled waiter, "Uh? That's what you agreed to pay for the deaf group."
CROW: The piece of paper said so!
>
>
>One of hearing guy raised his eyebrows, "Oh, damnit those deaf!"
MIKE: Curses! Foiled again!
>The hearies
>were upset at being outsmarted and fightly demanded to be waived from
>paying
>for the deaf group.
SERVO: Fightly? Now she's just making up her adverbs...
CROW: I don't know if that really counts as being outsmarted...couldn't they
press charges?
>After some agrument, the hot-tempered hearies finally
>agreed to to pay for the deafies.
MIKE: Yeah, you'd be hot-tempered too if you just had to pay twice what you
ordered...
>They left the table miserably.
SERVO: With their hatred of the deaf greater than ever. Nice job, guys.
>
>Walking outside, they were startled at seeing the deafies standing in the
>parking lot nearby.
CROW: ...taking apart the hearies' cars...
>Nabil came towards them. The hearing spoke fiercely.
MIKE: I shall smite thee!
>Nabil
>slightly grinned and handed them some money.
SERVO: Monopoly money.
>
>The hearies took the money, really embarrassed.
>The deafies saluted and
>left.
CROW: Dammit, and just when it looked like the end was going to make sense!
MIKE: It had a whole moral and everything, and then, bam! A classic Jolanta
Lapiak closing sentence.
SERVO: "The deafies saluted and left." Incredible.
CROW: Speaking of leaving...
MIKE: Right...
<exit theater>
<cuts to SOL>
MIKE: Well, guys, I think we've all learned some important lessons today. let's
review, shall we?
SERVO: Sure, Mike. First, we learned that you can't expect to get more than
three wishes out of three wishes or there will be no more wishes problem wishes
wishes safety box Thailand wishes McG.
CROW: Yup. Next, we learned that deaf people have to stay deaf, or they well be
exiled by everyone.
MIKE: Then, we learned that if you get stranded on a desert island in a plane
crash and you're all alone, don't encrypt SOS messages on disks and send them
out into the ocean in beer cans! Please keep in mind that the disks are more
than likely all defective.
SERVO: A truly valuable lesson. Then, we learned it's okay to refer to deaf
people as "deafies", and that they sometimes salute for no particular reason.
CROW: And finally, we learned I can take Tom on in a fight any day.
MIKE: Hey...
SERVO: Oh yeah? Let's go over to the rock 'em sock 'em robots and find out!
CROW: Best two out of three!
SERVO: Let's go!
<CROW and SERVO exit screen>
MIKE: Huh. Well, at least they're not ripping each other's heads off. Or...wait
a minute...we don't have rock 'em sock 'em robots...
<SERVO screams...his head flies onto the screen>
SERVO: Damn you, Crow...
MIKE: Hey! Stop! Crow!!!
<end credits>
MST3K, related characters, and just about everything else, are Copyright Best
Brains.
Best Brains has in no way endorsed this MSTing, but then, they never came up to
me and told me I couldn't do it, either, so where's the harm? It can be freely
distributed, as long as these credits are included.
All MSTing by Richard Bradley (Flami...@aol.com), February 1999
>Tim whistled
>in
>his imagination.