MiSTed - "Ancient Insane Kryptonian Case" (1/1)
Bill Livingston
CROW: There it is, right there - the *original* was only 289 meters,
saucer to nacelles, while the replacement was 305 meters -
a full *sixteen meters* longer!
MIKE: Uh-huh.
CROW: And looka here - the "D" was over twice that, at 641 meters,
but the "E"...
MIKE: The one in "Generations"?
CROW: [glares] *Wrong!* The Enterprise-*D* was in Generations! The
Enterprise-*E* was in "First Contact" and "Insurrection"!
Anyhow, it clocks in at 680 meters!
MIKE: I dunno, Crow, is this *really* the kind of thing a person
*needs* to know?
CROW: Look, Nelson, if you want to stumble through life ignorant of
your Trek-ology, that's *your* business, but the cautious
person is always prepared.
MIKE: Okay, sorry. [Notices Cambot] Oh, hey everyone. Welcome
to the Satellite of Love. Crow here is teaching me some of
the ins and outs of Gene Roddenberry's little universe while
we wait for Tom to finish up dinner. What was it he was
cooking, again?
CROW: Beats me. He said it was a surprise.
[Tom, wearing a chef's hat, and a Bar-B-Q apron that reads "Kiss the
Cook", enters with a plate full of hamburger buns, filled with what
looks like burned bacon.]
TOM: Chowtime, everyone! Dig in!
MIKE: [Takes a burger an sniffs it cautiously] Um, this smells
just a little charred, Tom. [Takes a bite, and almost
immediately, his face scrunches up] Ugh! Vwhat izzit?
TOM: The latest in culinary frontiers, Mike. You know how all
those faux-upscale restaurants like to serve potato skins?
And how various snack food companies sell pork skins as
greasy, fat-filled snacks?
MIKE: [chewing vigorously, but having trouble] Yeah? Fsho?
TOM: Fsho - uh, so this is the next logical step - Burgers made of
Beef Skins!
MIKE: [quits chewing] Vwhu?
CROW: Hey. neat! Using the whole cow, huh?
TOM: Waste not, want not. Plus, it's nutritious and tasty.
MIKE: [spitting out the Beef Skins] Ptoo! Yuck! "Tasty" may be
overstating it, Servo!
TOM: What!? You're saying my Tom Servos Beefskins (c) Food Product
leaves something to be desired?
MIKE: You could say that! It tastes like - like - I dunno, warmed-
over leather or something!
TOM: Of course it does. That's what it is.
MIKE & CROW: Huh?!?
TOM: Well, what do you yahoos think leather *is*, anyhow?
MIKE: Crow, no one's gonna eat *leather*!
TOM: Maybe not but I bet Tom Servo's Beefskins (c) Food Product will
be a hot seller in no time!
CROW: Not with that brand name, it won't!
TOM: Y'think?
CROW: It just sounds so industrial, so - so 1990's.
MIKE: Hey wait, where'd you get the leather from?
TOM: I used your jacket.
MIKE: [stunned] My - you cooked my genuine leather jacket?
TOM: Yeah. [sniffs plate] But I think I should've let it marinate a
little longer. That's probably why it's so tough.
MIKE: My - my mom gave me that jacket!
TOM: Don't worry, I'll send her a free case.
[Lights flash]
CROW: Uh-oh. It's Gladys Knight and the Poops.
MIKE: I loved that jacket.
TOM: Yeah, but think of it in terms of nutritional value, Mike!
[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl and Bobo. Pearl is in a radiation hazard
suit. Bobo is standing there holding a large green glowing piece of
something or other]
PEARL: [slightly muffled, but understandable] Howdy, Nelsy-Doo.
Enjoying a healthy, delicious, mid-day snack?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, I...
[CF]
PEARL: Ah, who cares? Say, listen, have you guys noticed how really
*rambunctious* Brain Guy's been getting lately?
[SOL]
CROW: Actually, that's...
[CF]
PEARL: Yeah, whatever. But he has! Just last week, I asked him to
use his tremendous and unknowable mental powers to take out the
trash, and he made me wait almost a full *three seconds*!! Now,
I ask you, how do you think that made me feel?
[SOL]
TOM: It really...
[CF]
PEARL: Oh, blah blah blah! The point is, I can't have this sort of
anti-me behavior taking root among my minions! That's why I'm
pleased to announce my discovery of - Hey, Booboo!
BOBO: Sorry, Lawgiver. *oof* [Bobo holds the green glowing thingy up]
PEARL: My discovery of - OBSERVERITE!!!
[SOL]
ALL: *Observerite*?!?
CROW: Wow, you mean the radioactive remnants of the Observer Planet,
left over from when Mike so callously and cruelly destroyed their
homeworld?
MIKE: Hey!
[CF]
PEARL: Precisely, Art! This is the only chunk of it on Earth, and it
took a lot of time and money to locate it, but Observerite will
allow me to sap Brainy's powers - and unless he bends to my will,
I'll do just that!
BOBO: Say, Lawgiver, do you think I could set this down?
PEARL: Nothing doing! You've only been holding it three hours!
BOBO: But it's awfully warm, and my skin is tingling and my arms are
starting to itch and my fur's peeling off. And I think my vision's
blurring a little bit.
PEARL: *sighs* Oh, okay *fine*, you big huge hairy baby! Go ahead and
take your little "rest"!
BOBO: Thanks! *oof!* [lumbers off with the rock]
PEARL: [yelling after him] But no more than five minutes! Any more, and
I start docking bananas! [To screen] Anyhow, your experiment
today is a little visit from an old friend of yours.
[SOL]
MIKE: Stephen Ratliff?
CROW: Pete Guerin?
TOM: Dave Hines?
[CF]
PEARL: No, no and no. It's a little piece from our old pal, Dr.
Thinker, and it's a sequel to his Superman/Scooby-Doo story,
"The Beast With the Red Kryptonite Vest". It's called,
appropriately, "Ancient Insane Kryptonian Case", and with any
luck, that's what you little jerkwads will be by the time you've
finished with it! Have fun chewing on it! [takes off helmet]
Man, I gotta get a Fresca or something! This suit's making me
sweat like a plow horse!
[SOL - Mike is chewing furiously, and scowling]
TOM: Does it taste any better with the new name?
MIKE: Vnope! An - OW! Vwhaz thiz? *spitz* [expels something out
of his mouth] A BVUTTN?!?
TOM: Huh. Though I cleaned all those out. Oh, by the way, your car
keys were in the pocket - I left 'em on the kitchen counter.
CROW: Still, the new name's catchy - "Mr. Tom's Jin-U-Wine Beefskins!"
TOM: Yep - "They're Servolicious!"
[Lights flash and buzzer sounds]
ALL: AHHHHHH!!! WE GOT THINKER SIGN!!!!
[Chaos, doors, etc.]
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
TOM: So even the Worcestershire Sauce doesn't help?
MIKE: *ptoo!* Sorry, Tom, but eating my jacket still holds no culinary
attraction.
TOM: Dang! Well, maybe my other idea will pan out.
MIKE: [removing Tom's chef hat] What's that?
TOM: Custom-designed pigskin clothing.
CROW: Football jerseys?
TOM: No, not - D'oh! Never mind!
>SUPERMAN AND SCOOBY-DOO
>In "Ancient Insane Kryptonian Case"
MIKE: Hey - show a little sensitivity! That's "Chronologically-Gifted
Mentally-Different Krypto-American Case!"
>by Dr. Thinker
>
>
CROW: The man who made "free-style grammar" an Olympic event!
>Note 1: Same time period as my "The Best With Red Kryptoninte Vest.",
TOM: It's "The Best Little Red Kryptonite Vest in the West", starring
Burt Reynolds as Sheriff Earl Ed Superman, Dolly Parton as Miss
Mona Supergirl, and Dom DeLuise as Scooby-Doo!
>but two years later.
CROW: Yes, the *exact* same time - give or take two years.
TOM: Excellent - rigidly defined areas of uncertainty right off the bat.
>Note 2: All characters are owned by Warner Studio Brothers,
MIKE: Yes, and who can ever forget those famous Hollywood pioneers -
Lemuel Warner Studio, Hugh Warner Studio, and zany yet lovable
Roland Warner Studio?
> Cartoon
>Network, Hana-Banana,
TOM: She's Daryl Strawberry's cousin.
CROW: The Daryl Hana Banana Splits Show?
> DC Comics, and other people/bussiness that should
>remind nameless.
MIKE: It's kinda hard to remind someone who's nameless, isn't it?
TOM: That's why there's so many people and businesses involved.
> All right served.
>
CROW: With a side order of coleslaw.
>##############################################
>
TOM: Gasp! He's running numbers!
>FILE #49012
>SCOODY-DOO MYSTERY INC.
CROW: A wholly owned subsidiary of ConHugeCo!
>FILED BY VELMA DINKEY
CROW: Filed under "F" for "Forget".
TOM: Or "I" for "Improbable".
MIKE: Or even "Y" for "Yeah, Right".
>
>
>
>Ok!
MIKE: Yes!
CROW: Alright!
TOM: Let's Go!
> Once again, we were in Metroplis, his time around for the Dective
>Awards, we were going to award for Dective Team Lifetime Award,
CROW: Cartoon Network *and* Lifetime? Wow, they *are* on everywhere!
> give to
>the most bravest dective, thought two of us,
MIKE: What did the *rest* of them think? That's anyone's guess.
> Shaggy and Scoody, are our
>weak links.
TOM: [British] They *are* the weakest link! Goodbye!
> They seems to be still afaird from anything from a ghost to
>bigfoot and anything inbetween,
CROW: Frightened by a horrible undead spirit and a vicious prehistoric
beast?!? Geez, what's wrong with these two?!?
> and we try to remind him they are no
>such thing as ghost, but to didn't work.
>
MIKE: Well, just because the first 8,421 ghosts turned out to be phony
doesn't mean the 8,422nd isn't real!
>One day, Superman and Supergirl walked in to our hotel where the
>Dective Awards were being held.
>
CROW: They were looking for the "Actition" Awards, and made a wrong turn.
>"Something, wrong here! Cut those fake costumes off
TOM: Sa-a-a-a-a-a-ay...
> those want-to-be
>Super-Cousins.."
CROW: It's the Justice League of West Virginia!
> shouted a man when he saw him. Superman took a small
>knife from a empty table, and tried to cut his suit where the S-Sheidl
>wasis.
TOM: o/` Sheidl, sheidl, sheidl - you wasis out of clay... o/`
> The suit was still upcutable.
>
MIKE: The new Super Zany Hijinks Suit - from Ronco!
>Man sigh, and tells that he was sorry, every year Superman and
>Supergirl do some super-enteriment l.
CROW: He's not the only one who's sorry - you ever seen 'em on-stage?
TOM: Yeah, but how do you tell people who can juggle planets no one
wants to see their ukulele and kazoo act?
> He reveals is named as Celivan Hoggan,
MIKE: He was named after a cryptogram.
TOM: Or is it a Krypto-gram?
MIKE: Hmmmm - no.
> a
>henchman of Lex Luthor,who want straightt.
CROW: Just don't ask, don't tell.
> He asked why they aren't at
>full power. Supermanrman
MIKE: "Superman'r'man" was actually Nietzsche's first choice for a title,
but it didn't test well.
> and Supergirl reveal that they are being cursed
>by a Kryptonite wizard ghost.
TOM: o/` He held them by his side with his supernatural might! o/`
> Scooby-Doo laughed,
CROW: [Scoob] Reeeeheheheheehee!
> and ask why didn't he
>use his powers to stop it.
MIKE: Um, hello? Doggie? It's *Kryptonite*, remember? It gives
Superman the heebie-jeebies!
CROW: Scoob's obviously not the brightest pup in the litter.
> Superman and Supergirl reveal that it removed
>their super-powers, including brains,
CROW: Ahhh, it was a *Zombie* Kryptonite Wizard's Ghost!
BOTS: Brains! Arghh! Slurp! Brains! Arrrrrh!
MIKE: Oh, cut that out!
> but accidently left Superman and
>Supergirl's memories intack. Superman and Supergirl found out from the
>"Daily Planet" that we are in town, and they ask us to help them.
TOM: They did? Why?
CROW: The rest of the JLA musta been out of town at the Superhero's
Convention.
> We
>argeed, thought it took a half of a box of Scooby Snacks to get Scoody-
>Doo to help us.
>
TOM: But in reality it took three whole cases just to get the great
giant coward to budge!
MIKE: Bribery and extortion - your keys to seeing justice administered.
>Our first location to go back to it's first appearance.
TOM: That'd be issue 167, "Superman vs. the Kryptonite Wizard's Ghost",
August 1966. What a classic!
> Superman stated
>that "Fortess",
MIKE: Of the D'Ubervilles?
> but lucky, he got alien spaceship, which we use to get
>to his Fortess.
CROW: Well, it wasn't that difficult - it's just off I-93 at the
Swanderson exit.
> A Superman robot scan us, and LV-S doors close up.
MIKE: "LV-S Doors"?
TOM: Ya got me. "Luthor's Vindictive Shiksas"?
CROW: "Lois Versus Spiderman"?
MIKE: "Legalized Voting in Smallville"?
CROW: No, I go it! It's "Las Vegas Superstyle"! Supes is turning his
fortress into a casino!
>Superman told us that LV-S doors can be only by Superman, Supergirl,
>Krypto or one of his Superman robots.
>
MIKE: Or Colin Mochrie. No one knows why.
>Scoody-Doo was usually the first one to find him in the hallway of
>villains,
TOM: Apparently, they go after a Kryptonite Wizard's Ghost weekly.
> and this time was no expect the Kryptonian wizard's ghost
CROW: NO ONE EXPECTS THE KRYPTONIAN INQUISITION!!!
> jump
>out from behind a Lex Luthor statue.
>
MIKE: The glare from his shiny pate blinded them.
>"Any friends of Superman is a enemy of me!" it laughed evilly.
>
TOM: [Ghost] And any vague old chums of Superman is a casual
acquaintance of me!
>After a good change,
MIKE: Yep, after saving up the money for that trip to Sweden, "Fredina"
is happy at last.
> Scoy-Doo
CROW: Well, *this* is discouraging!
TOM: o/` Flat Foot Floogie with the Scoy-Doo, Flat Foot Floogie with
the Scoy-Doo... o/`
> and Shaggy escape the villain, by dropping
>into the tunnels and drop out in a mechines.
MIKE: Without tuning in and turning on first?
TOM: I think Shaggy took care of the turning on part *years* ago!
> They started playing with
>it, and making some pop-corn,
CROW: Soon the Fortress of Solitude was filled with the stench of burned
Jiffy-Pop!
> but when they test it, they were shocked
>it tassted like chocalate.
TOM: [Shaggy] Like, Kryptonian popcorn *rules*, Scoob!
CROW: [Scoob] Reah! Rit's *rerrific*! Reeeeheheheheehee!
MIKE: I guess Krypton's "wacky mixed-up food" research was successful.
TOM: I understand the blueberry gefilte fish was a big hit.
> Meanwhile, an alarm went off while we were
>talking to Superman and Supergirl about other locations.
TOM: Negotiations to film the fanfic in Toronto break down.
> Supergirl
>reveal it pop in the Midville's Supergirl muesem,
TOM: Oh, WOW!!!! *bwoka-chikca-wocka-chicka*
CROW: It's the very first 80 Page Giant with its own centerfold!!
*grrrrrrrrwrlll*!!!
> Superman's Mesume in
>Metroplis, the "Daily Planet" buiding in Metroplis, and any place where
>Superman and Supergirl did good deeds or stop evil such as Lex Luthor,
>Brainic, or any one of those Phantom Zoners.
>
MIKE: So basically, anywhere on Earth. Or off it.
>Talking alien-jets that Superman had got from Brainic.
CROW: On-Star Online, welcome Brai- hey, you're not Brainiac! POLICE!!
> Superman with
>Daphne and Fred went to chack out the Superman Measum,
MIKE: Measum?
CROW: A building named for Jar-Jar Binks.
> while Supergirl
>with Scoody-Doo, Shaggy and me,
TOM: To Shaggy, they're closer than his peeps.
> check out Supergirl's measum.
CROW: [British] Ooh, I bet you did, eh? Eh? Say no more, wink wink,
nudge nudge!
> Superman's
>team had a run in with Celivan Hoggan at the same time,
TOM: Here's something interesting - "Celivan Hoggan" can be rearranged
to spell "Gleaning Havoc".
MIKE: Really.
TOM: Yeah. Also, for "Cave Nigh Along".
CROW: You don't say.
TOM: Not to mention "A Novel Gag Chin", "Hang Logic Vane", "An Aching
Glove"...
MIKE: Tommy, you're abusing your internal anagram program again.
TOM: Well, gee, Mike, it *was* a gift from the Princess!
> Supergirl's team
>with the Kryptonian wizard. We aslo find a peice of paper with backward
>writting on it.
>
CROW: When deciphered, it read, "Paul-El is dead. Miss him, miss him."
>Shaggy made the worst joke in the history of our capers, it was "Where
>did that Wizard get this paper from the 'Enoz Elinthiwt?"
[Dead Silence]
TOM: He sure wasn't kidding about the severity of the joke.
MIKE: Well, he *did* try to warn us.
CROW: I'm convinced it's not so much a joke as the polar opposite of
one. It's a pure, refined particle of anti-humor.
MIKE: What's sad is, Doc doesn't spell any better backwards than
forwards.
> Scooby-Doo
>know what he was talking about, but he didn't found it funny.
TOM: Proof that he *did*, in fact, know what he was talking about.
> We decide on
>checking the "Daily Planet". Lucky, the Kryptoniane ghost was around,
>and he fired a blast of laser gun,
CROW: Say, that *was* lucky!
> Superman accidently bumped into the
>ghost and accidently make him dissaper with out the laser gun.
MIKE: [Doug Henning] It's the magic of *illuuuuusion*!
> The
>gun's switch had backwarded words written on it.
>
TOM: But since those words were "KAYAK", "RADAR" and "NOON", it wasn't
that big of a deal.
>Of course, as always, Superman and Supergirl check out the place that
>Celivan Hoggan, who reveal he scared away the ghost, by prentending to
>Lex Luthor having a magic item that can store ghost's powers.
TOM: Ummmmmmmmmmm...
MIKE: I *think* I know what he meant to say, but I don't believe I'm
sure I understand what he wrote for me to read.
CROW: For some reason, Doc's stories always give me the urge to proclaim
"All Your Base Are Belong To Us"!
> He aslo
>reveal the ghost dropped a purple hat.
TOM: A clue that earned the Ghost a spot on Mr. Blackwell's "Worst
Dressed Villain" list.
> Scoody-Doo eyes light up told me,
>something that I hadn't expect this behind this:
CROW: Red China?
MIKE: The New York Yankees?
TOM: The USA Network's programming department?
> Superman's impish
>villain, Mr. Mxyzptlk.
>
CROW: So Doc can't seem to manage "Scooby-Doo", yet he gets Mxy's name
right off the bat. Should I be shocked, bemused or hysterical?
>We sent a trap
MIKE: Via Fed Ex.
> by having Superman dress as Lex Luthor, Supergirl and us
>as gangsters.
TOM: [Velma] And then Shaggy insisted on wearing one of Daphne's
dresses. Scoob's a little scared of *him* now.
> The ghost took the bet and freindly talk,
MIKE: Gimme five C's on Casper over the Funky Phantom and points.
> but when it
>turns to call on Mr. Myzptlk, Scoody-Doo noted that the ghost was smile
>like crazy.
CROW: He's remembering last night's "What About Joan".
> We reveal him. Let's just say that imp was totally UPSET!
ALL: That imp was totally UPSET!
> He
>really HATE IT, and forces us to get rid him before he floods the town
>with real Kryptonian ghosts.
TOM: Thus driving the price down and ruining Superman's investment
portfolio.
> Scoody-Doo successfully tricks him into
>saying this name, by accidently calling him, Klrpzrm.
MIKE: That's actually pretty close to how Scoob'd say it.
CROW: No way, Mike, he's *totally* off base.
MIKE: Uh-huh. And how *do* you pronounce "K-L-T-P-Z-Y-X-M"?
CROW: Well... [Pauses] certainly not like *that*!!!
> That's the first
>time in long time, I was proud of Scooby-Doo's crazy proucations of
>words.
TOM: He's crazy about their proud locations?
MIKE: Or has finding Cate Blanchett on the prow of his words finally
driven him mad?
CROW: You - the audience at home - what do *you* think?
> We return to the Dective Award's bulding, and got our award. I
>asked how Scooby-Doo know it.
CROW: His cousin, Scoody-Doo, told him.
> Scoody-Doo reveals that Mr. Myzptlk aways
>wears a purple hat, and since backwards writting is the most common
>writting there in the ZRRF Dimisonal,
TOM: As opposed to the Thinker Dimisonal, where apparently sidewise
upside-down writing is the most common!
> he know that it was Myzptlk.
>Superman claim that he won't had to worry about that imp for another 3
>months,
CROW: The second trimester is usually the roughest.
> and give Scooby-Doo a super-load of Scooby-Snacks. Supergirl
>give Scooby-Doo, a super-kiss.
>
CROW: Hah! Scoody-Doo does all the work, and *Scooby*-Doo gets all the
rewards!
MIKE: He's a canine Remington Steele.
>#############################THE
>END###########################################
>
>I feel sorry for the way I treated Supergirl
TOM: Great! Thinker feels guilty about not calling Kara back, and *we*
get the emotional slough-off!
> in "The Beast With the Red
>Kryptonite Vest", so I decide on writtng a new case. By the way, I like
>to thank Bill Livingston
ALL: We presume!
> for the MiSTing of the "The Beast With the Red
>Kryptonite.".
>
CROW: So, who's this "Livingston" guy?
MIKE: Beats me, but if he's somehow responsible for our getting these
stories, he's *off* my Christmas Card list!
>Sign
>Dr. Thinker
>The Goofy Guy Who Writes The Goofiest Stories in the World
CROW: [Goofy] A-hyuck a-hyuck! Gawrsh!
TOM: C'mon, let's split before Scrappy shows up.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Mike & Tom are browsing through a rather large book]
TOM: See, look - there are *six* different kinds of Kryptonite. Not
just green and red, but white, blue, gold and jewel.
MIKE: *Jewel*?
TOM: Yeah, it, uh, it had something to do with the phantom zone.
MIKE: You sure it didn't just turn Superman into an overrated folk
singer-slash-poet? Heh-heh-heh.
TOM: Look, Mike, maybe if you understood a little more about the
Superman mythos, these stories would go down easier.
MIKE: Sorry, Tom, but - comic books make me nervous! Y'know, it just
seems a bit of a creepy way to achieve escapism.
TOM: C'mon, Nelson, you're overreacting! Just because a person enjoys
a nice graphic novel from time to time is no reason to qualify
him - or her for that matter - as a cellar-dwelling loser.
MIKE: Speaking of which...
TOM: Yeah, where *is* Crow, anyway?
[Crow enters, carrying what looks like a movie script]
CROW: I got it, guys! This is gonna be my ticket to a big-time Hollywood
career!
TOM: What is it, "Earth Vs. Soup II: The Final Compote?"
CROW: Scoff away, Servo, but this time, I've got a leg up - uh, so to
speak - on this! Boy, I'm so brilliant, you could kiss me!
MIKE: Well, before *that* happens, tell us about it, then.
CROW: Thank you, Mike. Anyway, as you may well know, the big kahunas in
movieland have decreed that there will be a live-action "Scooby
Doo" movie, starring a CGI Great Dane; Freddie Prinze Jr, fresh
from his stint on "Chico and the Man"; Sarah Michelle Gellar,
better known as TV's Sabrina the Teenage Witch; and two totally
irrelevant Gen-Y type unknowns.
MIKE: [Tolerantly] Um, yes. So?
CROW: So my plan - and I think it's a doozy - is to retain their
services and produce a live action version of "Ancient Insane
Kryptonian Case".
MIKE & TOM: What?!?
CROW: Don't you see? All I need to do is sign up some people to play
Superman, Supergirl & the Wizard and there ya go - sequel time!
MIKE: Y'think?
TOM: Heck, why not? If they can make a third Crocodile Dundee...
MIKE: Yeah, I see your point. So, who do you have in mind for the
other roles?
CROW: Well, Helen Slater's still available, right?
TOM: Infinitely, I should imagine.
CROW: So bam! There's your Supergirl. And of course, you got your
Dean Cain.
TOM: Wait, you really want *Dean Cain* to play a big-screen version
of Superman?
CROW: Well, no, but since Chris Reeves is kinda out of the game and
Sorbo's tied up with that "Andromeda" series, he's all that's
available.
MIKE: What about Nicolas Cage?
CROW: [pause] I'm going to pretend you never said that, Nelson!
MIKE: Oops, okay, sorry. Well, what about the bad guy?
CROW: No prob. I'll just dip into the huge giant pool of former leading
men and Brit Shakespeareans that they keep at Bad-Guy-Central.
Like, oh, you know, Dennis Hopper.
TOM: Or Jon Voight?
MIKE: Or James Caan?
CROW: Yep. Or Alan Rickman.
MIKE: Or Gary Oldman?
TOM: Or Malcolm McDowell?
CROW: Exactamundo! And with the addition of Billy Barty as Mxyzptlk,
my cast is complete!
[pause]
MIKE: Um, Crow, I, uh, I don't quite know how to tell you this, but
Billy Barty's dead.
CROW: Really?
TOM: Yeah. He imped his final imp last year.
CROW: Huh. [pause] Hmmm... well, some of the original Munchkins are
still tottering around, right?
TOM: Uh, I think so, but they're about 80 or 90 or...
CROW: Perfect - just strap one of the tiny little geezers into a
harness, throw 'im a purple hat, and *blammo!* You got yourself
a fifth Dimensional Imp!
TOM: Yyyeah, heh heh - Crow, I hate to be a doormouse at your psychotic
tea party, but what makes you think anyone in Tinseltown is gonna
give your idea a look-see?
CROW: Timing, my friend - there's a writer's strike looming, and before
long, the Hollywood Hoipolloi will be looking for *any* finished
script they can get their hands on!
TOM: I hate to say it, but scary as it is, he may have a point.
MIKE: *sigh* He just might. Well, who wants to give the info.
TOM: Ah, I might as well - wouldn't want Mr. Show Biz Hotshot to sprain
his directing arm. *ahem* To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List,
send e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" with the message
"subscribe dibslist" in the message body. Read the FAQ at
"http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and
avoid ancient insane extraterrestrial spirits whenever possible.
MIKE: Right. Oh, you forgot something, Crow.
CROW: What's that?
MIKE: Well, I mean, it *is* the Doc's story and all, so...
CROW: As usual, way ahead of you, Nelson! I faxed Dr. Thinker to get
his permission to turn his story into a script.
[Gypsy enters from stage right, with a paper in her mouth]
GYPSY: This fax just came for you, Crow.
CROW: Hey, it's my reply from the Doc.
TOM: What's it say?
CROW: Lessee - "Dier T. Cow Rebbit. Regaurded into your leter about for
persimmon, I me am repectly discose to requets the beening you. It
gives about me the gretest feel to say so. Bets lucky on you and
chims of the one. Corally, Dr. Thinker."
[pause]
CROW: Uh-huh. Well, ummmm...
TOM: And then what?
MIKE: Maybe you better write back and ask for a clarification
TOM: Maybe you better write back and ask for a code key!
[lights flash]
GYPSY: Uh-oh, Mike it's them.
MIKE: Thanks, Gyps. [hits button] Hey, Pearl. How goes the ambush?
[CF - Pearl's still in her radiation suit, Bobo still holds the big
glowing rock, but his arms are now heavily bandaged]
PEARL: Not so good, Nelsgamma. There's no sign of Pastypuss anywhere.
BOBO: Um, I don't want to be a complainer, Lawgiver, but I think I feel
my bones melting a little bit.
PEARL: Oh, it's always about *you*, isn't it?!? How do you - oh, wait,
here he comes! Get ready!
[Observer walks in, carrying a bag full of groceries]
OBSERVER: Hello, Pearl. Listen, Winn-Dixie was out of those Evil Paper
Towels you wanted, but I found them at Kroger. *And* I not only
got a much better price, they even doubled my coupon!
PEARL: That's good, that's good. Listen, Brainy...
OBSERVER: Yes?
PEARL: There's something I've been meaning to show you.
OBSERVER: Oh? What's that?
PEARL: Why, just - THIS!
[Bobo steps out holding the glowing rock]
OBSERVER: Good heavens! Pearl, is that, is that...
PEARL: Yes, OBSERVERITE!! NOW, BOBO!!!
BOBO: Ooooh! [Bobo throws the Observerite at Brain Guy, who catches
it easily. Bobo faints backwards out of the picture.]
PEARL: BWAHAHAH!!! How does that feel, Brainy?!?
OBSERVER: Well, I-I-I-I- I'm very touched, Pearl!
PEARL: [confused] You are?!
OBSERVER: Most definitely. *sigh* A piece of my long lost homeworld.
You really shouldn't have!
PEARL: [with a "why is he still standing?" look] Yeah, I, I can see
that. But aren't you, y'know, worried about it, well...
OBSERVER: What, sapping my strength and rendering me powerless? Oh, I
would be - if I actually had a body. But as a non-corporeal force
of mental energy, with only a wretched simulacrum of physicality,
it doesn't affect me in the slightest.
PEARL: [deflated] Uh-huh.
OBSERVER: Of course, it *is* highly deadly to everyone else. But on the
bright side, this will make a wonderful end table for my rec room.
Thank you, Pearl. Thank you so very much. [Walks off jauntily
with the observerite, humming that Three Doors Down song]
PEARL: *sigh* Oh, well, back to the drawing board. C'mon, apeboy.
[She walks off. For a moment, there's nothing]
PEARL: [OS] BOOBOO!!!!
BOBO: [Bobo staggers onscreen, his arms reduced to smoking skeletal
appendages] Oooh! Ow! Oh! Coming, Lawgiver!
[The scene fades out, and we hear...]
BOBO: Owieowieowie! Say, Lawgiver, you don't happen to have any Bactine
I could borrow, do you?
----------------------------------------------------------------
"ANCIENT INSANE KRYPTONIAN CASE" BY: Dr. Thinker
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Dr. Michael Neylon
SPEARMINT GUM BY: Wrigley's
JUST PASS ME BY: If you're only passing through
VOULEZ VOUS: Coucher Avec Moi, Ce Soi
THANKS: to MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Jerry Siegel
Joe Shuster, the past present and future designers of the 50
State Quarters, and Mrs. Calabash - wherever you are!
Superman, Supergirl, Mr. Mxyzptlk and all associated characters and
situations are trademark of and (c) DC Comics, Inc. All rights
reserved. DC Comics is not repsonsible for unsupervised attempts to
pronounce "Mxyzptlk".
Scooby-Doo and all associated characters and situations are trademark of
and (c) Hanna-Barbera, Inc. All rights reserved. Or they would have
been, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids, and their mangy dog!
DC Comics and Hanna-Barbera are both divisions of Time-Warner-Turner.
Coincidence? *You* be the judge!
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved. At least until they appear on eBay marked
"MST3KPROP".
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Except for Emma Hutchinson, of Jessupville, OH, who died in 1841 -
you know what I mean!
You gon' be the wormface now!
Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Superman and Supergirl reveal that it removed
>their super-powers, including brains,
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillome), "Sports Night"
President Chester A. Arthur
President Chester A. Arthur, the anti-Rutherford Hayes
Pocketwatch
Bill Livingston wrote:
Um, One question here. Shouldn't Mike be saying Tom instead of Crow since he
is talking to Tom here?
Is Pearl actually calling him BooBoo here or is that supposed to be the name
Bobo?
Freezer
work!
--
-_--_- ___ -_--_-
F R E E Z E R \ /-^___^-\ / R E Z E E R F
--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--| O | ||||| | O |--_--_--_--_--_--_--_--
| www.dccmm.com/dccmm | O | ||||| | O |www.dennisandtony.com |
|(Wrestle related ranting)| O| ||||| |O | (My other random |
| | _| ||||| |_ | stuff) |
|AIM, Yahoo ID: freezer818| #|-------|# | MSN IM: freezer88 |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(I'm going to have to read the un-MSTed version to see what the Sam-Scratch
happened here!)
Gfan516
work!
Bill Livingston
>As frightening as Henry Wallace and twice as amusing!
Thanks, Chet. And *nothing's* as frightening as Henry Wallace. Although Bob
Taft in a leotard comes close. 8-]
Bill L.
Anticipating "For All Time"
Bill Livingston
>Bill Livingston wrote:
>> TOM: What!? You're saying my Tom Servos Beefskins (c) Food Product
>> leaves something to be desired?
>> MIKE: You could say that! It tastes like - like - I dunno, warmed-
>> over leather or something!
>> TOM: Of course it does. That's what it is.
>> MIKE & CROW: Huh?!?
>> TOM: Well, what do you yahoos think leather *is*, anyhow?
>> MIKE: Crow, no one's gonna eat *leather*!
>
>Um, One question here. Shouldn't Mike be saying Tom instead of Crow since he
>is talking to Tom here?
Yeas. Slight error.
>> PEARL: *sigh* Oh, well, back to the drawing board. C'mon, apeboy.
>>
>> [She walks off. For a moment, there's nothing]
>>
>> PEARL: [OS] BOOBOO!!!!
>
>Is Pearl actually calling him BooBoo here or is that supposed to be the name
>Bobo?
She's calling him Booboo. She did that a few times on the show.
Bill L.
And...?
Bill Livingston
>A Dr. Thinker fic: A joy to behold, and a nightmare to comprehend! Good
>work!
Thanks. Maybe I'll win a "Dective Award" off of this.
Bill L.
Saying my name backwards
Bill Livingston
>Bad Fanfic, great MiSTing.
That's not anything like "Bad Andy, Good Pizza" is it?
>I loved the Observerite sketch. Keep up the good work!
Thanks. Most folks don't believe this, but host segs take more work than the
riffs. Glad you like it.
Bill L.
Strange Visitor from Another Pl - oh, wait, no I'm not.
Gfan516
>
>Thanks. Most folks don't believe this, but host segs take more work than the
>
>riffs.
I believe you. Thinking up one that fits the story can be a pain. Writing it
so it's funny takes a lot of work.