MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "All The King's Horses" (3/5)

[Mighty Jack]

[SOL]

[Tom Servo is standing on the control panel, wearing a cowboy outfit,
complete with hat, shirt and chaps. Crow is at his usual place, wearing
a blonde wig and typing on a computer that has been set up on his side
of the control panel. Cheesy western music plays in the background.]

TOM SERVO: Well, ah reck'n it all started 'round about the time when
Marrissa told Old Timer Mikey White that she really knew her
stuff up there in the saddle and she should get a chance to
try out one of the horses. 'Course she didn't mention that
all her riding experience came from the merry-go-round at
the county fair and she didn't really know thing one about
riding a *real* horse, but she figured that when Mikey asked
to see her qualifications on the computer, why she'd just hack
the system and whip up a fake that was good enough to fool 'im.
But you got to get up pretty early in the mornin' to fool Old
Mikey, and he wasn't gonna be takin' no wooden nickels from no
pint-sized pipsqueak no matter *how* good her Kobayashi Maru
was! No sir!

[Mike comes in from stage right, dressed as Mikey White and twirling a
lasso. He throws the lasso over Crow and pulls him away from the
computer. As Crow struggles in the lasso, Mike looks down at him and
says...]

MIKE [as Mikey]: So you think you know your way around horses, huh?
Well, let me tell you what we're gonna do....

[Mike picks up a stick from the floor and starts scratching words in the
floor behind the control panel.]

TOM SERVO: And as Marrissa watched Old Timer Mikey White scratch the
words "Junior Kid's Crew Rodeo" in the dirt, she said...

CROW [as Marrissa, excited]: Say! Now *that's* an idea!

[Mike takes the lasso off Crow and they both head offstage in opposite
directions.]

TOM SERVO: Well, before you know it, Marrissa got to talkin' with all
her little friends, and then they started puttin' up posters,
handin' out flyers and printin' up T-shirts, and before you
could say "lickety split" we had ourselves a big ol' rodeo
in town! Marrissa even came up with a slogan for the whole
thing....

[Two people out of camera view raise a banner to the ceiling that reads
"Le Rodeo De La Crew D'Enfant: Just Horsing Around".]

TOM SERVO: Well, let me tell you, we had a turnout for this thing that
was even bigger than the Jerry Lewis film festival! And just
about anybody who was anybody got a chance to ride! First
there was Marrissa....

[Gypsy enters from stage left, dressed up as the Pony Express horse from
"The Gunslinger". Crow is on Gypsy's back wearing a blond wig and
desperately trying to hold on as Gypsy keeps trying to buck him off.]

CROW [as Marrissa]: Ow! Stop! Cut it out, you stupid horse! Don't you
know I've got a Kobayashi Maru score of twenty one oh
[Crow flies off Gypsy's back] THREEEEEEE... [Crow
crashes to the floor as Gypsy exits stage left]

TOM SERVO: Then we got Father Francis to give it a whirl....

[Gypsy enters from stage left with Crow on her back, dressed this time
in a priest's outfit complete with white collar and Father Sarducci hat,
and again trying to keep from being bucked off.]

CROW [as Francis]: Whoa! Ouch! Dear God, give me strength! Dominus opus
immaculata [Crow flies off] in PATRIIIIIIIIIII... [Crow
crashes to the floor as Gypsy exits stage left]

TOM SERVO: Why, even the local bully tried to find out how long he could
last up there in that saddle!

[Gypsy enters from stage left with Crow on her back, dressed this time in
a leather jacket with a slicked back 50's tough guy hairdo. Crow makes
only inarticulate sounds of panic as he loses his grip and Gypsy bucks
him off. Crow gets back on his feet and faces Gypsy.]

CROW [as bully]: So you wanna play rough, huh?! C'mon, horsie, let's go!
You and me!

[Crow throws a punch that knocks Gypsy cold, then walks away, whistling
the theme to Blazing Saddles.]

TOM SERVO: Yup, we sure did have a grand old time that day! And everyone
wanted that grand prize so much, it's such a shame they all
couldn't win....

[Mike comes in from stage right and Crow from stage left, dressed up as
Father Francis.]

CROW [as Francis]: So, how did I do?

MIKE [as Mikey]: I'm sorry, Father, but your time just wasn't good enough.
You'll have to stay in the story. [Crow looks dejected
as the commercial sign light flashes] We'll be right
back.

[Mike hits the commercial sign light.]

[Commercials.]

[Inside the theater]

[Mike enters the theater carrying both Tom and Crow. Mike puts Tom in
his seat and then starts to lower Crow into his.]

CROW: Easy now, Mike, easy, watch those saddle sores... ahhh!
Thanks, Mike. You're a life saver.

>Chapter Four
>Day Two
>Late Afternoon

TOM SERVO: Ever notice how some days seem like they're *never* going to
be over?

>
> Marrissa and Rene walked down a wide path in the forest beside
>the stables. "How did you get interested in horses, Rene?" Marrissa
>asked.

MIKE [as Rene]: I checked and found out I was actually a twelve-year-old
girl.

> "At first it was just job to get my father off my back," Rene
>said. "He kept pushing me to get a job.

TOM SERVO [as Rene]: He kept trying to make me work in the coal mines and
garment sweatshops.

> After a while though, I found
>myself enjoying it."

CROW: Once I found out the horses would lick all day if I dabbed a
little peanut butter on--
MIKE: You are in *such* trouble, Mister.
CROW: On my neck! Where it tickles!

> "You're good," Marrissa said. "You just shot out of the gate."

TOM SERVO [as Rene]: It's amazing what a little battery acid on a horse's
rear end can do!

> "That's Macedonian. He's always been fast out of the gate,"
>Rene said. "He just lacks staying power.

CROW [as Marrissa]: That's funny... Isabelle said the same thing about
*you*.

> If you want to see a real
>jockey, look at Isabelle or Maurice."

TOM SERVO: If you want to see a real story, try something from your
local library.

> "If Isabelle is so good, why is she riding Mistress," Marrissa
>asked.

CROW: Good thing the volunteers who clean up oily beaches came along and
just soaked up all the inflection and interest this chapter had,
huh?

> "Well I've been trying to get Mike to assign her to a better
>horse, but he won't listen," Rene said.

MIKE [as Rene]: He keeps covering his ears and going: "La la la la la la
la la, I can't *hear* you!"

> "Our assignments have been
>stable since Jean was hired after the Belmont Stakes."

CROW: You get it? Huh? Stable? Get it?
MIKE: Yeah, we...
CROW: 'Cause, you know, it's funny, 'cause...
TOM SERVO: No, it's not.
CROW: Oh.

> They came to clearing with the swimming hole in it. It was a
>rock lined pool, rather deep at one end. Looked natural, but some how
>Marrissa knew it wasn't.

MIKE: Being an unnatural creation herself, Marrissa had a sense for this
kind of thing.

> A rock bowl filled with water on a hilltop
>wasn't natural in any forest, no matter how it looked.

TOM SERVO: I take it Steve-o's never heard of a caldera lake?
MIKE: You only get those in volcanic regions.
TOM SERVO: Details, details...

> "It's swimming time," Rene said.

MIKE: Oh great, I was just starting to get over the nightmares from the
last time this happened! Thanks a *lot*, Ratliff!

> "But I didn't bring my swimming suit," Marrissa protested.

CROW [leering]: I *know*.

> "Neither did I," Rene said, pulling his shirt over his head.
>"Just strip down to your underwear. That's what Isabelle does."

TOM SERVO: Mike? Is it just me or is this starting to look more and
more like the Deep South section of France?
MIKE: Either that or Michael Jackson's country home.

>
> After stripping down to their underwear, Rene and Marrissa

CROW: AAAH! AAAH! AAAH!
TOM SERVO: HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT! HURT!
MIKE: Ba..ba...bad, bad scene, bad bad bad, hurts, bad, bad hurt bad.

> dived
>into the pool. Rene's dive was clean, having almost no splash.

CROW: The water rejected his body and he was burned as a witch.

>Marrissa's, however, was more of a belly flop than a dive.

TOM SERVO: Causing the gears of the universe to grind to a sudden halt and
plunge everything into entropic heat death as Marrissa failed
to accomplish something perfectly on the first try!

> When they
>both came up,

CROW: Their necks had been broken by the rocks at the bottom of the
shallow pool?
TOM SERVO: They had been eaten alive by piranhas?
MIKE: Nice try, guys.

> Rene commented, "You need to work on that dive."
> "I know," Marrissa stated, treading water, "but I haven't had
>the time.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I figure it's quicker to walk on water anyway.

> I'd rather spend my time in the water playing tag."
> "Tag," Rene commented. "That wouldn't be fair."

MIKE [burying his face in his hands]: This dialogue is like a designer
perfume commercial that never ends...

> "Oh, you're it," Marrissa said, swimming away.

TOM SERVO [as Ralph Kramden]: Oh, BOY are you it, Norton! You are *SO* it!

> They swam back
>and forth as first Marrissa then Rene was tagged.

CROW: The game kinda loses something when there's only two players,
doesn't it?
MIKE: Maybe they're just looking for an excuse to touch each other in their
wet underwear....
TOM SERVO [retching]: Echhh... thanks Mike... like I didn't have enough
trouble keeping my tuna RAM chip lunch down!

> Suddenly from the shore came a voice.

TOM SERVO [thick Southern accent]: Ah am the Angel of Vengeance. The day
of yer Judgement is at hand.

> "Oh look, the lovers are
>playing tag again." Rene and Marrissa stopped and looked to the edge of
>the swimming hole. Richard was there with their clothes in his hands.

CROW: And if we knew who Richard was, we'd have an emotion about that.
MIKE: We do, he's the head bully.
TOM SERVO: The former head bully.

>"But Rene is with a new girl. I wonder if Isabelle knows."
> "She's my cousin," Rene returned.

MIKE [as Rene]: So hands off! I saw her first!

> "Keeping it in the family, I see," Richard sneered.

CROW: Well, if you can't keep it in your pants...

> "Just put the clothes down and leave us alone," Rene pleaded.

MIKE [as Joe Besser]: Or I'll *harm* yooouuuu!

>Marrissa treaded water next to him, worried about her own clothes.

CROW: That's our Marrissa! Always looking out for the welfare of others!

> "In the pond maybe," Richard said, pulling out Rene's red shirt.

TOM SERVO: Suddenly, three phaser beams, ten photon torpedos, an
antimatter monster and an asteroid smash into the red shirt!

> "Not my jersey," Rene cried out. The jersey joined Marrissa and
>Rene in the water.

CROW: MoooooOOOOOoooo!! *splash*

> Richard smiled. "Too bad, it's all wet now."

MIKE [as Nelson from The Simpsons]: HAA haaa!

> He pulled out
>Marrissa's black Enterprise T- shirt and tossed it in.
> Marrissa called back, "I wouldn't have done that if I were you."

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: It *clearly* says: "machine wash warm, no
chlorine, no bleach, no detergent, no water,
don't touch it, put it down, walk away briskly."

> "So the little girl is threatening me, now," Richard said. "I'm
>scared now."

CROW: Little did he know, Marrissa had the evil Ratliff on her side.

> Suddenly Richard found himself in a headlock. From behind his
>left ear came his sister Isabelle's voice, "Drop the clothes, Rich."

MIKE: I'll take "Words You Never Want To Hear Your Sister Say" for five
hundred, Alex.

> He
>dropped them.

CROW [as Isabelle]: No, not *your* clothes!

> Isabelle released her grip and Richard grabbed her arm
>and threw her.
> "Ow," Isabelle exclaimed as landed on the rock edge of the
>swimming hole.

TOM SERVO: [imitates Batman fight music]
MIKE: Bonk!
CROW: Wham!
MIKE: Zowie!
CROW: Ker-splat-t-t!

> Meanwhile, Rene and Marrissa had climbed out of the
>swimming hole. Rene rushed to Isabelle's side. This left Marrissa to
>face Richard.

TOM SERVO: [imitates Classic Trek fight theme]

> They lined up about a yard a part. Richard was a little more
>than six foot tall. His black hair was cropped short. He was wearing
>the Stargazer Stables jockey outfit which consisted of black pants, and
>a red shirt with a back line across the upper chest and a white star
>like the command insignia of the old Enterprise in the center. He was
>well muscled and had an air of arrogant confidence.

MIKE: OK, so Ratliff wants us to believe this big galoot is a *jockey*?
CROW: Either that, or the reincarnation of Captain Kirk.

> Standing four feet ten in height, Marrissa was the opposite.

MIKE [as boxing announcer]: And in *this* corner...

>Her wet blond hair was slick to her back. The water had made her
>underwear translucent which made her look naked and vulnerable.

CROW: Which, of course, was why Rene suggested this swimming trip in
the first place.

> To
>Richard she was easy pickings.

TOM SERVO: I'd like to cheer Marrissa on... but we all know she's going
to win, so what's the point?

> "So you want to challenge me, little girl," Richard stated.

MIKE: THERE CAN BE ONLY *ONE*!
TOM SERVO: If we're lucky, there'll be none.

> "I want you to dive in and retrieve Rene and my shirts,"
>Marrissa said. "Fighting you is very low on my list of wants."

CROW [as Marrissa]: I'll have you quietly killed in the night.

> Richard closed the distance between the two. He placed his
>finger between her breasts

MIKE [motioning arms slamming shut on a trap]: WWWWWHAM!
TOM SERVO: Nice booby trap.

> punctuating each word with a poke. "I think
>you are just a little girl who wants to run home to her mommy."

CROW: If only Richard was holding a knife right now, he'd be a hero to
millions.

> That was the last straw.

TOM SERVO: Now she finally found the needle she'd left in the haystack!

> Marrissa grabbed his arm with both
>hands and swung around him around with all her strength.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: *grunt* Uh... could you pretend this is affecting you
even a little bit? Please? *grunt*

> She released
>him on a course to the swimming hole. He splashed into the water.

CROW: True to form, Marrissa dunks another victim in liquid. It
wasn't strawberry juice, but she'd settle for water in a pinch.

> As
>he landed, Marrissa whispered,

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Thank you, Ratliff, for giving me superhuman
strength.

> "I wish I could."

CROW: One cyanide tablet, that's all it takes.
[Mike and Tom look at Crow in disgust]
CROW: What?

> Richard sputtered and splashed out of the water. He rushed
>towards the little girl who stared out, her mind occupied on other
>things.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa, thinking]: Why *did* Yoda sound just like Grover?

> Richard was stopped by a loud voice, "Richard Boucher, don't
>you dare lay a hand on my daughter."

MIKE [as Richard]: God? Is that you again?

> Captain Jean-Luc Picard stood astride a white stallion at the
>edge of the clearing.

CROW [as Marrissa]: I'm so embarrassed. Dad gets... confused. He
thinks he's in _Robin Hood: Men In Tights_ again.

> His brother Robert was beside him on a gray mare.

TOM SERVO: Who ain't what she used to be.

>"Mr. Boucher I see your bulling isn't limited to my son." Robert began.
>"You seem to like attacking your own sister and other little girls as
>well.

MIKE [as Robert]: What are you, a wimp? Bully some Romulans! Some
Cardassians! You've got Marrissa here, LEARN from her!

> Your father may have dismissed your bullying as 'boys will be
>boys,' but I don't think he'll be able to dismiss this.

CROW [as Robert]: Just wait until he finds out that you got your ass
kicked by a girl!

> I'm surprised
>you still have a job if this is how you normally act."

TOM SERVO: Hey, Michael J. Fox is no great actor either, but he still
finds work!

> "If I have anything to say about it, and as a thirty percent
>owner of the stables, I do, he just lost it," Jean-Luc Picard said.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Richard, you've just lost thirty percent of your job.
So there!

> "You can't do that," Richard sputtered.

CROW [as Mayo]: DON'T YOU DO IT! I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO *GO*!!!

> "Mikey was about to give you notice," Jean-Luc informed. "You
>are a disgrace to the stables and the uniform you wear.

MIKE [as Richard]: But it's not a uniform, it's a tourist T-shirt
promoting the community of Shipshewana, Indiana.

> Now go get
>those shirts you threw in the swimming hole.

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: Then roll on the ground and bark like a dog!

> Then we are going to the
>stables so you can clean out your locker."

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Then you will be assigned to the Enterprise under
Marrissa's command.
CROW [as Richard]: Couldn't you be merciful and just lynch me?

>
> Jean-Luc and young Richard met Robert at the vineyard gate.
>Together they set out to the Boucher's house.

TOM SERVO: From whence they set forth, upon their perilous journey to the
Crack of Doom, bearing the One Ring amongst them...

> Richard walked ahead of
>the two men, his shoulders slumped and his head down. Richard could
>almost hear his funeral march.

CROW: Miiiiike, the incidental music people are getting cocky again!
MIKE [as Richard, muttering]: Crummy Elton John rewrites...

> Behind him Jean-Luc and Robert Picard
>walked stern- faced.
> "How are the children?" Jean-Luc asked.

TOM SERVO [as Robert]: Quite good. In fact, they just filed the paperwork
to have you relieved of duty, Jean-Luc! Busy little
beavers, they are.

> "Isabelle had a sprained ankle and a hairline fracture of her
>arm," Robert said. "Rene is giving her tender loving care as usual.
>Marie is talking to Marrissa. She's in her room crying."

MIKE [as Marrissa, sniffling]: Stupid old dad keeps upstaging me... *I'm*
supposed to deal out the retribution around
here!

> "I'll have to talk to her when I get back," Jean-Luc commented.

TOM SERVO [as Hugh Beaumont]: I'll have a talk with the Beaver, dear.

>"I'm afraid she's not yet gotten over her parent's deaths.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: I mean, she's taking them personally somehow.

> Counselor
>Troi suggested that we get away from the ship.

TOM SERVO [as Troi]: Captain, the crew has requested that you take your
little demon spawn as far away from the ship as
possible.

> She said time and a
>little distraction should help her."

CROW: She couldn't think of anything more trivial to say.
MIKE: Well, nothing like a good fight and a near beating to take your
mind off your troubles.

> "I think Marrissa wasn't the only reason your Counselor Troi
>wanted you to take a vacation," Robert said.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: All right, the crew hates me too! There! I said
it! Are you happy now?!?

> "Not this time, Robert," Jean-Luc replied as they turned into
>the Boucher's driveway.

TOM SERVO: Suddenly Jean-Luc and Robert were flat and had a fresh blacktop
coating.

> They came up to the door and Robert rang the
>bell. It played the first nine notes of a funeral dirge.

CROW: It's the Addams family!
MIKE: Either that or Richard lives in a funeral home.

> Mr. Boucher opened the door. He was a tall stout man with
>thinning black hair.

TOM SERVO [as Lurch]: Yooooraaaaang?

> He saw his son standing dejectedly in front of the
>two men and immediately his face took on a stern expression.

CROW [as Torgo]: YoU cAn'T sTaY hErE... tHe MaStEr WoUlD'nT aPpRoVe.

> "Philippe, we'd like to talk to you about your son," Robert
>said.

MIKE [as Robert]: Do you have a safe place to hide him? Marrissa's
ordered that he be dipped into concrete and turned
into a statue.

>
> The parlor had dark walnut paneling and it's one bay window was
>covered by red velvet curtains. There was a long dark red couch with
>walnut arms and two matching chairs.

CROW: So it *is* a funeral home.
TOM SERVO: Or the foyer of a French cat-house.

> Mr. Boucher pointed at one of the
>chairs and Richard sat in it stiffly. He took the other one and

MIKE: ... left the room with it.

>Jean-Luc and Robert sat on the couch. "What are you accusing my son of
>doing?" Mr. Boucher asked.

CROW: Nobody accused anybody of anything yet! Guilty conscience,
Philippe?

> "Your son has been bulling people," Jean-Luc stated.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: In fact, he's been downright cowing them into
submission.

> "Boys will be boys," Mr. Boucher said.

TOM SERVO: Tell that to Ru Paul.

> "Philippe, there is bullying, and then there is terrorizing.
>Your son has been doing the later," Robert replied.

CROW [as Philippe]: Look Chrome-Dome, my son's got a great career ahead of
himself as a Bit Antagonist! Where would you be
without the Klingons, the Romulans and the Borg, huh?
In the same "pending a late night slot on the Sci-Fi
Channel" limbo that _Earth 2_'s in, *that's* where!

> "Today he began by throwing Rene and my Marrissa's shirts in the
>swimming hole," Jean- Luc elaborated.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Then he took their chawing tobaccy and russled up
their grub.

> "Then he threw your daughter
>after she got the clothes away from him. And finally he took on my
>daughter. If I hadn't arrived,

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: ... those two girls would have cleaned his clock
but good!

> he could have done serious harm.
>Marrissa is only twelve."

CROW: Oh, I see, this was the year she was Rear Admiral in charge of the
Intelligence Agency.

> "How are they," Philippe Boucher said, suddenly concerned.

MIKE [as Philippe]: And are they pressing charges?

> "Rene wasn't harmed, this time," Robert began.

TOM SERVO [as Robert]: He'll live to wuss out again another day.

> "Isabelle broke
>her arm, and Marrissa was scared out of her wits.

MIKE: Yeah, someone might find out that she was rescued by an adult, and
then her career will be ruined.

> "So Isabelle got hurt," Philippe remarked. "What did I tell you
>about beating up on your sister, boy." He glared at his son, who sunk
>back in his chair.

CROW [as Richard]: Um... no marks, sir?
MIKE [as Philippe]: Shut up.
CROW [as Richard]: No witnesses?
MIKE [as Philippe]: Shut up!
CROW [as Richard]: Oh yeah, you're the only one who gets to do it.
MIKE [as Philippe]: SHUT UP, I TELL YOU, *SHUT UP*!!!

> "Not just this time," Robert said. "I asked my wife how long
>this has been going on. Marie tells me that she's been treating
>Isabelle and Rene for cuts and bruises for the better part of a year."

CROW: She must move really slowly.
TOM SERVO [as Robert]: She keeps telling them to go easy on the whips and
handcuffs, but do they listen?

> "You have my assurance that Richard will be severely punished,"
>Mr. Boucher said.

MIKE [as Philippe]: He'll go right to bed without any supper. That'll
teach him!

> "If it wasn't for his job, I'd be shipping him off to
>military school."

ALL: [burst out laughing]
TOM SERVO: Sure, send him someplace where bullying has been elevated to
an art form! That'll cure him!
CROW: I hear it worked wonders for little Damien Thorne.

> "I'm afraid Richard is no longer employed by Stargazer Stables,"
>Captain Picard said.

MIKE [as Philippe]: But... his job was with Roy Rogers.

> "His attitude, unlike his sister's, has been less
>than satisfactory.

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: He fails to share his cubby-hole in classroom
situations.

> He also conducted his last attack in uniform. So he
>has been dismissed."

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Whenever he's going to attack, he's got to strip first.
TOM SERVO: I didn't need to picture that, Crow.

> He turned to address Richard.

MIKE [as Ed Norton]: Helloooo, ball!

> "When you wear a
>uniform, your conduct reflects on the whole organization. You are
>expected to act accordingly."

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: So don't put any pledge pins on it or I'll slap
your fat face!

> "Listen and learn from the Captain," Mr. Boucher said to the
>still cowering Richard.

CROW [as Philippe]: He's been a better father to you in the past five
minutes than I ever have.

> "You'll be spending at least the next two years
>in uniform, and by God you'll learn to respect it."

MIKE [as Philippe]: And, by God, the upperclassmen there will show
you the *right* ways to terrorize people!
CROW: Or he'll become bitter, resentful, and hateful of authority while
learning the way to develop, build, maintain, and use the most
powerful weapons known in the Galaxy.
TOM SERVO: Or, God forbid, he just might join the Kid's Crew elite.

> "If you'll excuse us, we better check on our own children again,
>now that you have been informed," Robert said.
> "Can you keep Isabelle for the next couple weeks?" Philippe
>Boucher asked.

MIKE [as Philippe]: We're kind of running out of space in the fruit
cellar, and with the preserves coming in, we just
don't have room to stack a girl, too.

> "If Richard follows his usual path, he'll try to beat up
>Isabelle for revenge. I had thought he had grown out of it, but I see
>he had just gotten better at hiding it.

CROW [as Philippe]: Of course, this doesn't say much for my parenting
skills.

> It's going to take me that long
>to get Richard away."
> "I'll see to her while you handle your son," Robert said.

MIKE [as Philippe]: Thanks for taking Isabelle before Child Protection
could!

>
>Chapter Five
>Day Four
>Just before Noon
>Day Five

CROW: Wait a minute, what happened on Day Four?
MIKE: Must have been too exciting to write down.
TOM SERVO: Yes, even in the time-stream you can have unreferenced pointers.

>Early Morning
>
> Marrissa walked into town alone. She was tired of people trying
>to cheer her up.

CROW [as Marrissa]: DAMN YOU ALL! Can't a main Trek character get in a
good ANGST around here any more? I'm SICK of everyone
trying to cut short my characterization just because
I'm being an introspective, moody BRAT! Back off, you
meddling second bananas, back OFF!

> He parents were dead and no amount of fun was going to
>change that.

TOM SERVO: So she decided to spend the rest of her life wearing black
clothes, hanging out in coffee bars and smoking clove
cigarettes.

> After a little wandering, she found herself outside the
>church. After looking at the white Gothic stone exterior, she pulled
>open the door and walked in.

MIKE: Tonight, on a very special episode of "Nothing Sacred"...
CROW: Oh cool. This is the part where she puts on a mask, plays the organ
and lives in the cellar, isn't it?
TOM SERVO: That's an opera house, Crow. I think you're vaguely circling
the runway of Hunchback of Notre Dame.
CROW: Hunchback, Phantom... not much difference except the gargoyles don't
sing for the Phantom.

> The entryway was paneled in a yellow gold wood,

MIKE [as munchkin]: Follow the yellow gold wood! Follow the yellow gold
wood! Follow, follow, follow, follow...

> and the floor
>was a white and black chessboard pattern.

CROW: She figured that would be the most likely place to find the bishop.
MIKE & TOM: [groans]

> Marrissa continued though it
>to the sanctuary .

CROW: Quasimodo? That's your cue!

> She looked up to the dark blue ceiling which arched above her.

TOM SERVO: Watch this, guys... >LOOK ARCH

I only understood you as far as wanting to look.

TOM SERVO: >EXAMINE ARCH

>Each arch was gilded with gold and stars sparkled on it. Her eyes were
>pulled down to the stain glass windows.

CROW: OW!
MIKE: That's gotta hurt!
TOM SERVO: >EXAMINE WINDOWS

> A shepherd carrying a lamb
>adorned one, a lady holding a baby with a halo another.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: That must be the guy who invented the Kobayashi Maru!

> Finally her
>attention was drawn to the altar.

CROW: Mike? Am I going to hell if I say anything about a pentagram and
goat entrails at this point?
MIKE: Definitely.
CROW: Just checking.
TOM SERVO: >EXAMINE ALTAR

> It was backed with a house-like facade, with six candles on it.

MIKE: Apparently it's the church's sixth birthday.

>A robed man was encased in it's center,

CROW [as man, muffled]: Help! Get me out! I'm suffocating in here!

> and it was flanked by angels.

MIKE: Oooh, that must be "Charlie"!

>Three chairs were arranged below it. Above it was an almost three
>dimensional painting of a man on a cross.

CROW [as Marrissa]: You know, I never noticed this before, but Jesus
has *great* abs!
MIKE: What'll you bet that Ratliff has been describing the interior of
Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering Church in Roanoke, Virginia?

> A podium stood on the left.
>The altar itself was an intricately carved marble affair with a plain
>white linen cloth covering it.

CROW: How about a naked virgin and some black-robed cultists?
MIKE: *Don't* go there, Crow.
TOM SERVO: >QUIT

You have scored nothing out of a possible nothing. This gives you the
rank of Ratliff Story Reader. Either way you look at it... you lost as
soon as you opened this file.

TOM SERVO: Pretty neat, huh? I got Cambot to help out.
MIKE: Great, Tom, we're very impressed, now could you put the Zork Trilogy
away and help *us* out?

> While Marrissa had been taking in the scene, she had been
>walking forward, her heals clicking on the black and white tile.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Wow! Cartoon Network sponsored this chapel!
MIKE: Meanwhile, sounds of bingo playing filtered up from the basement.
TOM SERVO [muffled]: I-23... I-23...

> She
>placed her hand on the edge of the pew which was made of the same wood
>as the paneling in the entryway.

MIKE: Connor McLeod and the Kurgan were talking softly in another
pew a little further down.

> She pulled down the kneeler and
>kneeled in the pew.

CROW [as sports announcer]: Marrissa takes a knee, and this football game
is over!

> Then remembering a gesture that she had once seen
>her mother do in the ship's chapel, she did the sign of the cross.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Spectacles, testicles... wait, that won't work
for me.
CROW [as Marrissa]: Are you there, God? It's me, Marrissa Amber Flores
Picard.
MIKE [as recorded voice]: This is God. All of my cherubim and seraphim
are busy right now, but your prayer is important
to us. If you are praying from a touch-tone
pew, press the star key now. Otherwise, stay on
the line and a representative will be with you
shortly.

> As she kneeled, Marrissa's tears flowed.

MIKE: Some prankster had glued jagged chunks of broken glass and scrap
metal all over the kneeler.

> She remembered how her
>mother always insisted that she say her prayers before she went to bed.

CROW [as Ned Flanders]: ... 'cause the schools can't force you like they
should!

>She remembered her mother's laughter at her father's jokes.

TOM SERVO: But she still didn't get the one about the two Polocks, the
yak and the rubber tube.

> She
>remembered her father's cooking on camping trips.

CROW: And how she had to have her stomach pumped every time she ate it.

> She remembered hiking
>and riding with her father in Yellowstone and Yosemite. She remembered
>the loss.

MIKE: Yosemite 5, Yellowstone 3 in 11 innings.

> Suddenly Marrissa heard a man's voice say, "What troubles you,
>child?" She looked up to discover a man in his sixties dressed in white.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: *gasp* Colonel Sanders! What are *you* doing
here?

>He was wearing a simple gold Latin cross over his chest. A white skull
>cap covered his head. Something about the man's kind expression made
>Marrissa willing to open up.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Are you one of those Jews for Jesus?

> She slid over to allow the man to sit down, and began to talk,
>"A couple of weeks ago, my parents were killed on some mission. They
>won't tell me where or how.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: And the secretary keeps disavowing any knowledge of
their actions.

> Only that it was painless and they didn't
>suffer.

TOM SERVO: As if they could know.

> I don't care about how . . . I just want to know why!"

MIKE [as man]: My child... the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Your
parents were called back to Him because He needed
sacrificial lambs to further the plot.
CROW [as Marrissa]: So, in fact, it isn't so mysterious, is it Father?
MIKE [as man]: It's a mystery why He wanted to further *this* plot!

> "That isn't why your crying now, is it?" the man asked.
> "No, it's not," Marrissa sobbed.

TOM SERVO: And he knew that because...?

> "Then why?"
> "Because I've been having fun since my new father brought me
>here," Marrissa said in a rush. "My parents just died. I'm not
>supposed to be having fun any more."

CROW: One good Irish wake could have fixed this problem.

> "You are young," the man responded. "Your parents would not want
>you to live your life in sorrow."

TOM SERVO [as man]: I'm sure they'd want you to live on in other fanfics,
bringing pain and misery to all who read them.

> "How can to you say that," Marrissa said.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: And what the heck did *I* just say?

> "You didn't know my
>parents."

CROW [as Marrissa]: They *wanted* a life of misery and bitterness for me!

> "I've know many parents since I entered the priesthood," the man
>said. "I've never known a single one who wanted their children to grow
>up anything less than happy."

TOM SERVO: He's never worked with Child Services, methinks.

> "Who are you," Marrissa asked.

MIKE [as man]: I'm *BATMAN*!

> "I'm Father Gregory Carson," the man responded.

CROW: Wait a minute... is this who I think it is?
TOM SERVO: Let's make sure.

> "And you are?"

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Queen of the Galaxy. Surely you've heard of me.

> "Marrissa Picard," Marrissa replied. "You wouldn't be Pope
>Gregory would you?"
> "Actually, yes,"

CROW: Sure! Of *course* the Pope's there! Who *else* is worthy to give
spiritual advice to Marrissa the Great?!
MIKE: I guess he's just not drawing the crowds like he used to, huh?
TOM SERVO: Just tell me one thing... if *he's* here, does this mean that
Jay Leno is in the Vatican right now?

> Father Gregory confirmed,

CROW: Does that make him a minister of Confirmation?
MIKE & TOM: [groans]

> "but I'd prefer it if
>you'd call me Father Gregory. I've really gotten feed up with all this
>Holy Father business. . ."

MIKE: Let me guess, he doesn't like titles. Where have I heard this
spiel before?
CROW: It figures, doesn't it? A guy who's rumored to be infallible shows
up in a story where so much is just plain *wrong*!
TOM SERVO: Ever notice how Marrissa gets to rub elbows with more
celebrities than the kid from the Day at the Fair short?

> From behind him, came Father Frances's voice,

ALL: [burst out laughing]
CROW [as Frances]: Hi, Your Holiness! Just got back from the sex change
operation!

> completing the
>thought, "you just became Pope, not God."

MIKE: Won't he... uh, I mean, won't *she* be surprised to find out that
Greg's also the new God!
TOM SERVO: Wow, the Catholic church really loosened up in the last 400
years!

> "Father Frances, have you met Marrissa?" the Pope said, turning
>back to the priest in the pew behind them.

CROW [as Frances]: We've met... Marrissa, do you know what it's like to
feel like a woman trapped in a man's body? Just be
glad you were *born* female!

> "Her father and I are old acquaintances," Father Frances
>remarked.

MIKE [as Frances]: And now I can express my love for him the way I've
*always* wanted to!

> "I should be going," Marrissa said.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Father Glen or Glenda over there is *really*
creeping me out....

> "If you don't have anything, Marrissa," the Pope said. "Father
>Frances and I would like you to join us."

CROW: Next on Jerry Springer, transsexual priests and the popes who
love them!
MIKE [as Carson]: Frances needs someone to talk to about fashion tips
and accessories... she's going to need a whole new
wardrobe, you know!

> "I don't want to be intruding," Marrissa demurred.

CROW [as Marrissa]: No, really, that's okay, I'm sure the Father's, uh,
Mother's stitches need to heal up anyway, I'll just
be going now....

> "You won't be," Father Frances responded. "Gregory and I would
>enjoy the company. We've heard each other's stories so many times that
>we can finish them after the first sentence. It would be nice to have
>company as both a fresh audience and source of stories."

MIKE [as Frances]: You know how we girls just *love* to gossip!

> "I really don't have much to tell," Marrissa said.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Not to *you*, anyway... Uh, I really have to
get going now....

> "Nonsense," Father Frances responded. "You've spent your life
>on Starships. Surely you have tales like none we earthbound priests
>do."

CROW [as Frances]: And speaking of tails, the plastic surgeons did a
*great* job of reshaping mine! Wanna see?

> "Have you been to LaRue's, Marrissa?" Pope Gregory asked.

MIKE [as Carson]: It's a nice little club where people like Frances can
feel welcome and accepted.

> "No Father," Marrissa replied.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: No, Father, I *really don't* want to be around
this artificial woman any more!

>
> After eating lunch with the two priests, Marrissa returned to
>the vineyard alone.

MIKE: Her fragile psyche had been scarred for life by everything she'd
seen and heard.
CROW: Suddenly I understand why she turned to compulsive conquest to
ease the pain.

> She'd figured that by now the Captain has missed
>her. She was right.

ALL [reciting dully]: But at least his aim was improving....

> "Marrissa Amber, where have you been. You missed
>lunch," Jean-Luc Picard said, with the practiced sternness of a Star
>Fleet Captain as she moved to open the door. Her father was outside
>the door. Marrissa was surprised that she hadn't seen him standing
>there.

CROW: Since everyone knows that Starfleet cadets have their door-noticing
senses well-honed.

> "Sorry sir," Marrissa said.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: It's just that I've had a thoroughly traumatizing
experience just now, and nothing in my life seems to
make any sense any more....

> "Well Marie left some sandwich materials for you," Jean-Luc
>said.

CROW: "Sandwich materials"? Who *talks* like that?
TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: There's a little polyester bread, some lovely
cotton mortadella and there might be a few slices
of spandex provolone left, check the cheese tray.

> "I already ate," Marrissa replied. "Father Frances and Pope
>Gregory invited me to eat with them."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: And now I think I've permanently lost my appetite.

> "And I'm suppose to believe that you ate lunch with the Holy
>Father?" Jean Luc responded in disbelief.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Next you're going to tell me that Father Francis just
had a sex change!

> "And I suppose Kai Opaka is
>coming to dinner."

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Noooo... not until the next DS9 crossover, *Dad*.
Geez, you are so *square*.

> "I wouldn't know about the Kai," Father Frances said, from
>behind Jean-Luc. "As for the Pope however, I can confirm that."

MIKE [slaps his forehead]: Dohhh!
ALL: Wah wah wah WAAAAAHHHHH...

> "Father Frances, what brings you to the vineyard?" Jean-Luc
>asked.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: And may I say what a *courageous* thing you've done,
expressing your true sexuality like this! And in
front of the Pope, no less!

> "I need more wine for Sunday's Masses," Father Frances said.

TOM SERVO [as Frances]: We're running short this month. That Pope guy
drinks like a fish.

>"And I was sure no one would believe that Marrissa ate lunch with the
>Pope."

CROW [as Frances]: I've made it my life's work to follow Marrissa around
so I can confirm her outlandish tales.
MIKE: Some people obviously don't know who's writing this story.

> "Point," Jean-Luc said.

TOM SERVO: ... set and match.

> "Marrissa, Isabelle wanted to talk to
>you."
> "Aye, sir," Marrissa responded escaping into the house.

CROW [as Marrissa]: I can't *believe* that freak actually followed me
home....

> "She calls you sir?" Father Frances said after the door closed
>behind Marrissa.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Yeah. She's the direct lineal descendant of Marcie,
you know.

> "Its what she's comfortable with," Jean-Luc said, dismissing the
>subject.

CROW [as Jean-Luc] Personally, I consider it a marked improvement over
"Old Lighthouse Dome"....

> "Now what type of wine where you thinking of?"
> "Nothing expensive, just something ..."

MIKE [as Frances]: ... that would knock the socks off the organ lady at
fifty paces.

>

TOM SERVO: Somebody should tell Ratliff that a TV "fade-out" doesn't
work well in a short story.

> Marrissa knocked on the door of the room which Isabelle was
>staying. "Enter," Isabelle's voice said.

CROW [as voice]: The one you call Isabelle is gone... now the VOICE is
in charge! Muahahahaha!

> She opened the door. The
>room Isabelle was staying in was furnished in much the same way as
>Marrissa's but in pink instead of white.

MIKE: So, imagination and individuality are tightly rationed in the
24th century?

> Isabelle was arrayed on the
>bed like she had just plopped

ALL: Eeeeewwww!

> down. Her face had a dejected expression
>that extended to the rest of her body.

CROW: Ow. That plastic surgery *really* didn't take.

> "You look more depressed than I was," Marrissa stated.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... when I was cornered into having lunch with
the Catholic priesthood's answer to Mr. B Natural.

> "What
>happened?"

MIKE [as Isabelle]: Uh, we got into a fight with my brother Richard at
the swimming hole and he broke my arm? *Remember*?
CROW: Actually, it's because Marrissa just walked in.

> "My Dad was just here," Isabelle said.

MIKE [as Isabelle, sniffling]: He's sending me to military school too.
He says the Citadel will really build my
character.

> "I've got to stay here
>another week until Richard's new school opens. Apparently he doesn't
>think I can fend for myself so he exiled me here."

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: I'd rather be home where I'd risk getting
assaulted by my sadistic thug of a brother.

> "You could be exiled worse places," Marrissa said. "Rua Penta,
>for example, known throughout the Galaxy as the alien's graveyard."

CROW [as Isabelle]: Oh, thank you, Marrissa. Thinking about Klingon
penal colonies *always* cheers me up....
TOM SERVO: Marrissa worked a suicide hotline for three weeks. The death-
toll doubled.

> "That might be an improvement," Isabelle returned.

MIKE: Call me crazy, but I think Isabelle just *slammed* Jean-Luc's home
sweet home in a *big* way!

> "The vineyard isn't so bad," Marrissa said. "The beds are
>comfortable.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: The beatings are irregular and light.

> The Food is excellent.

CROW [as Marrissa]: We've got an Arby's, and a Popeye's, *and* a Hardees.

> Plus, you get to spend time with
>Rene, who obviously loves you."
> "You really think Rene loves me?" Isabelle inquired.

MIKE [as Isabelle]: I thought he just hung around because the sex was so
great....

> "Its written on his face every time you enter the room,"
>Marrissa said. "I thought you knew."

CROW [as Marrissa]: He did have the Post-It notes on his forehead,
after all.

> "Great, a twelve year old can tell me the answer to a question
>I've been asking myself for ages," Isabelle said.

TOM SERVO: Marrissa knows everything. Get used to it.

> "I must be blind.
>You have no idea how many time I've asked myself if Rene really likes
>me."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Twenty six. I counted.

> "Have you ever told Rene that you love him?" Marrissa asked.
> "Not really," Isabelle replied.

CROW [as Isabelle]: Because I intend to cruelly discard him like a used
Kleenex.

> "If there is one thing I've learnt from the last month,"
>Marrissa began,

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... it's that reading one of these fanfics is
worse than spending a month at Rua Penta.

> "its to tell the people you love while you still can. I
>never said goodbye to my parents when they left. I was too busy getting
>ready for my first command."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: It was only of 17 starships, 49 destroyers, and 220
cargo and supply vessels, but I figured I'd stick it
out and get a *real* command later on.

> Tears began to form in Marrissa's eyes.
> "You couldn't have been in command," Isabelle said. "You're
>only twelve."

CROW: Ah, the naivete of non-Kid's Crew youth.

> "That can be an advantage sometimes,"

MIKE: Like...?
TOM SERVO: Like when the other ship's commanded by an eight-year-old.

> Marrissa replied
>forgetting her momentary sadness as she talked. "For instance there was
>this Cardassian Gul

CROW [as seagull]: Caw! Caw!
TOM SERVO: Jonathan Livingston Dukat.

> who decided that the Enterprise saucer section under
>my command was an easy target.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: Little did he know he was only a pawn in Stephen
Ratliff's twisted universe.

> He failed to consider the tactical
>officer who gets caught for playing video games in class." Marrissa
>smiled.
> "What did you do to him?" Isabelle asked.

CROW [as Marrissa]: I challenged him to a video game.

> "I disabled his ship and had an inscription carved on his hull."

TOM SERVO: Say it the way you mean it... you entered your initials next
to the high score.

> "What?"
> "'I was beaten by a bunch of kids.'" Marrissa concluded.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: I was going to sign "Neener neener neener!" right next
to it, but that would have been too much like gloating.

> "You carved that in his hull," Isabelle exclaimed. "What
>possessed you to do that?"

CROW: You said it yourself. She's possessed!

> "I know it was stupid,

TOM SERVO: [as Marrissa]: All seventeen trillion people in the galaxy have
reminded me about how stupid it was.

> but I wanted to be remembered and that
>Gul had made me mad," Marrissa responded.

CROW: It's that kind of maturity and good judgment that convinced Starfleet
that she belonged in the captain's chair.

> There was a knock on Isabelle's open door. The two girls turned
>to find

MIKE: ... their mystery date!
CROW & TOM: [hum the theme for the Mystery Date game]

> Rene standing in the doorway. "It's time for us to go to the
>Stables, Belle."

TOM SERVO [as Rene]: It's time for you to ride down to the castle and meet
the Beast.

> "I'll be right down, Rene," Isabelle said. "I have to change."

CROW: Apparently her sprained ankle and broken arm healed right up!

>
> Marrissa sat out under an oak tree outside the vineyard house.

MIKE: Drunk again.

>It was early morning. The sun was rising over the grape vine covered
>hillsides. A light fog hugged the bases of the hills,

TOM SERVO: But the hills later charged them with meteorological harassment.

> making them seem
>to float. She looked at the golden glow that ran along the hillsides
>with wonder.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Wow, this blotter acid is really *good*!
MIKE [as game show announcer]: And now, it's time to play that fun, new
game, _Dangle that Participle_!

> "Good Morning Marrissa,"

TOM SERVO: With Charlie Gibson and Lisa McRee.
CROW: Lisa, you've done better.

> Jean-Luc said, as he came up beside
>her. "Up early for a change, I see."

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Does Marrissa-wissa need her didee changied? Yes she
does! Yes she does!
CROW: Mike, don't *ever* do that again.

> "It's not often that I'm on a planet," Marrissa explained. "So
>I

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... wander around in a complete fog calling out
"computer" at random intervals and wondering how
to fulfill my basic survival needs when they
aren't all met automatically by a replicator.

> try to see at least one sunrise and sunset.

MIKE: She could just spend an hour in Ten Forward and see both.
TOM SERVO: It's not the same.

> It's a lot easier to get
>up for a sunrise when you aren't sleeping on a really soft and
>comfortable bed, though."

CROW: Fortunately, discomfort is all part of the service at Chez Picard!
Where the fetid, squalid conditions make you yearn for the comforts
of the great outdoors! Three locations to serve you, conveniently
located next to the airport, swamp and maximum security prison!

> "True. Are you enjoying your vacation?" Jean-Luc asked.

MIKE [as Marrissa, sarcastically]: Oh suuure. Drinking in the wonders of
the local T-shirt shop, getting ogled
by my cousin and fending off bullies
at the swimming hole, getting dragged
off to lunch with Father Frank-N-
Furter... what's not to enjoy?

> "Yes, but I still want to get back to the Enterprise soon,"
>Marrissa said. "The sunrise maybe grand, but I miss

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: ... the sweat of panicked subordinates and the
smell of phaser-cooked flesh.

> the stars streaking
>by my bedroom window."

CROW [as Marrissa]: Look, there goes Pierce Brosnan! And Tony Danza...
AIII! I'm *blind*!

> "The stars are a great pull on your soul, but it is comforting
>to have a planet to come home to," Jean-Luc replied.

MIKE: When nerds try to get poetic.
TOM SERVO: I'm sure the Romulans will feel the same way a few weeks after
Jean-Luc goes comatose.

> "I've never really felt at home on a planet," Marrissa said.
>"I've lived on Galaxy Class Starships since I was two

CROW: Which is tricky, 'cause they weren't invented until she was four.

> and can't remember
>much before that. Planets have always been places to visit.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: ... and dream of annexing into my interstellar empire
someday.

> I live in
>the stars."

CROW: Somehow a puffed up ball of hot gas seems like a very appropriate
place for her to live, doesn't it?
TOM SERVO [singing]: ... her back yard will probably be Mars, she will ride
a crater scooter and eat off her computer...
MIKE: I think I know a little robot who's been listening to my Moxy
Fruvous CD.

> "Perhaps someday you will find a planet to call home," Jean-Luc
>responded.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa, singing]: Sooooome DAY my WORLD will COME....

> "Meanwhile, Admiral Necheyev is cutting our vacation short.
>She wants me to evaluate a ship load of cadets. We have to leave Monday
>morning."

MIKE: Oh great... if we have to do "Cadet Cruise" again, I'm gonna vomit.

[Everyone gets up and starts to leave.]

CROW: Um, Mike?
MIKE: Yes Crow?
CROW: WHY IS HE BEING PULLED OFF OF *VACATION* TO SERVE THE EQUIVALENT OF
GIVING A *MERIT BADGE TEST*?!
MIKE: Shhhh... think of nice things... lollipops... cherry cola...
CROW: ... the tortured screams of the cadets as they're fed through a
paper shredder by an insufficiently vacationed Picard...
MIKE: A little dark, but you've got the right general idea.

[Everyone exits the theater.]

[Commercials.]

[Continued in Part Four]