[MISTING] You must believe in bible concerning "Immortality"
Joe Mason
[Mystery Science Theater 3000 Theme]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. TOM and CROW are back and center, standing beside a huge
coffin-like machine with a glass
case and tubes leading into it. CROW is dressed in a white lab coat.
MIKE's face looks out from front left.]
MIKE: Hi, everybody. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike
Nelson, and these are the 'bots. They've been cooped up here a lot
longer then I have, and I think they're starting to worry about their
own mortality.
CROW: We're almost ready now, Tom!
TOM: Farewell, cruel satellite! When I awake, it will be in a better
world!
MIKE: You see, Tom's decided to cryogenically freeze himself and sleep
through this whole experiment.
TOM: Just think, Mike! Think how much the world will have changed when
they thaw me out! There'll be no disease. No death! I'll live
forever!
[The room is obscured by a huge blast of smoke coming from the machine.
When it clears, MIKE is coughing and TOM is climbing into the coffin.]
CROW: Pressure is nominal. Coolant reserves are full. I think we're
ready for you.
TOM: Good-bye, Mike! I'll miss you!
MIKE: Hey, wait! Are you sure this is a such a good idea?
CROW: Mike, it's you and your cowardly anti-scientific stance that
stands in the way of progress today! Think of the advancements that
could be made if it weren't for all of you nay-sayers and objectors.
You and your kind disgust me! The forces of scientific discovery will
march on, whether you want it to or not. You can't simply ban
knowledge! You and your cronies just can't face the reality of what
we're doing here, so you hide behind a mask of "moral objections" and
"safety considerations" and "environmental concerns". Well, if you
don't like it... Tough!
TOM: Yeah, Mike, stop being such a tree-hugger!
CROW: Good-bye, little buddy. Remember us...
[The glass lid begins to close over TOM when a light begins to flash.]
MIKE: Hey, wait, you guys! Walt Disney is calling!
[DEEP 13.]
DR.F: You won't get away that easily, my little creamsicle! I have one
last parting gift for you! A particularly nauseating and incoherent
piece of spam that comes with the header, 'You must believe in bible
concerning "Immortality"'. Send them the post, Frank!
[SOL.]
ALL: WE'VE GOT SPAM SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>
> NEW INVENTION ALLOWS HUMANS TO STAY YOUNG FOREVER
TOM: PRESERVE YOUR FRAGILE YOUTH THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF CRYOGENICS
CROW: See the words of our leader, Alex Chiu!
TOM: You must submit before the wisdom of the great Alex Chiu!
MIKE: Ssshh. Bill will hear us and know we've been disloyal.
> I once disbelieved the bible prophecies.
TOM: Then I discovered the new 2000 Flushes. It really is a miracle!
> I have invented the Eternal Life
> Rings eight years ago but was reluctant to publicize my discovery. Now I
CROW: Threw caution to the wind and decided, "Hey! Why not?"
> realized that if this important discovery is not publicized, the Kingdom of
> God shall never arrive. What you are reading is pure fact. You must
> accept and believe the salvation in order to be saved.
TOM: Listen carefully, folks. The coming of the Kingdom of God depends
on YOU.
CROW: Only you can prevent hell fire.
> Ever since the seventeen hundreds, magnets were used as medical treatments
> on human bodies.
TOM: <chuckles> Oh, yeah, and NOBODY died in the seventeen hundreds!
CROW: Immortality can be yours if you return to the dark days of
anarchy!
> Recently, magnetic products have became widely accepted
> by the general public as great alternative cures for diseases.
TOM: Migraines gone in an instant!
CROW: Format your brain!
> Many
> magnetic products were tested by doctors and medical researchers and were
> proven by professionals to be effective.
MIKE: Magnetic products like microwaves, ovens and refrigerators.
TOM: Magnetic toasters!
CROW: Magnetic toothbrushes!
TOM: Magnetic vacuum cleaners!
CROW: Magnetic motor oil!
TOM: Yes, its the home for the 21st century and beyond! All these and
hundreds of other fine magnetic products available in our catalogue!
> But no one has found out a
> concept to permanently stop humans from ageing until I have invented the
> Eternal Life Device eight years ago.
MIKE: I can hear the screaming of that tortured syntax from here.
TOM: (as the tortured syntax) Help! Let me out! He's killing me!
> Based on testimonies, facts, and proofs, people are believed to be able to
> stay physically young forever (I must say "believed" in order to protect
> myself from the blood thirsty FDA)
MIKE: Yes, I can see how saying "believed" will protect you from the
FDA.
CROW: (ominous) But who's gonna protect you from ME?
TOM: So is he saying he DOESN'T really believe it, or what?
> by using "The Eternal Life Rings" or
> "The Eternal Life Foot Braces".
MIKE: FOOT BRACES?
TOM: And other fine products...
> The Eternal Life Rings are to be worn on
> both small fingers of a user during sleep. The Eternal Life Foot Braces are
> to be worn on all toes of both feet during sleep.
CROW: And you'd better hope you don't have to get up during the night.
> Both devices consist of
> rare earth magnets and plastic braces which hold magnets onto the fingers
> of user.
CROW: RARE earth magnets?
TOM: Not just any old earth magnets. Only the finest earth magnets are
good enough for Alex Chiu!
MIKE: And plastic braces. You know, that's such a let-down.
> The inventor explained
MIKE: Wait a minute! I thought YOU were the inventor! Have you been
stringing us along?
> that the fingers and toes are the negative
> and positive terminals of your body. When placing the magnetic devices, the
> magnetic pole on the right side of the human body is opposite to the left
> side.
CROW: You don't say? Really, that's just fascinating.
MIKE: You'd think this'd be common knowledge by now. How come I've
never heard that my fingers were magnetic before?
> With an opposite pole on each side of the human body, blood
> circulation and electric current of the body are enhanced, metabolism
> sustains.
CROW: Metabolism sustains WHAT?
> The devices generate magnetic flux in the human body
TOM: Yes, that sounds healthy.
> enhancing
> healing. Old scars and wounds can now be healed in order to keep our body
> unstained. The devices are the batteries of our bodies and charge us with
> fresh magnetic flux every night for strenuous healing.
MIKE: Junior, go and change your grandmother's battery. She's starting
to wither again.
TOM: At least its not her diaper again.
CROW: The human body. Batteries not included.
> The result: One day
> you will look like nineteen or twenty, young and attractive forever!
CROW: Hey, Mike, isn't 21 the drinking age back on Earth?
MIKE: In America, yes.
TOM: Somehow, I can't see this catching on...
> This
> is the true eternal life! And it is finally here.
ALL: <subdued> Yay...
> You must accept and believe the salvation in order to be saved! Ones who
> believe the device of God shall not perish and have everlasting life.
> Immortality has been revived!
MIKE: And now here's God again. Where does this God stuff keep coming
from?
TOM: But it's the device of God, Mike!
CROW: Revealed to His prophet, the one and only Alex Chiu!
MIKE: Yes, and I'd imagine he'll make a HUGE profit off this.
> Seven weeks (49 years) after the reestablishment of Isreal (1948),
TOM: Since when is seven weeks 49 years?
MIKE: Dog years, maybe?
TOM: No, that doesn't work! What's he talking about?
> everlasting life shall be given. (1948 + 49 = 1997, Deuteronomy 30:1-9)
CROW: Hey, its numerology!
<All cheer wildly>
TOM: Numerology. Gotta love it.
> Everlasting life will be on earth, for men and women will be changed to be
> immortal. (Matthew 5:5;
MIKE: Let's see, Matthew 5:5 - "Blessed are the meek: for they shall
inherit the earth."
CROW: Uh, yeah. That says a LOT about immortality. What Bible was he
reading from?
TOM: Oh, I get it! If you surrender meekly and send him money, you'll
inherit the earth!
> I Corinthians 15:53;
MIKE: "For corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must
put on immortality."
TOM: Well, that sort of fits, I guess... At least it mentioned
immortality!
CROW: Still nothing about seven weeks after the founding of Israel,
though. Or 49 years, either.
> Philippians 3:20)
MIKE: "For our conversation is in heaven; from whence also we look for
the Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ:"
CROW: What the...?
TOM: Do you guys get the impression that he's just picking passages at
random here?
MIKE: No, it goes on in verse 21: "Who shall change our vile body, that
it may be fashioned like unto his glorious body, according to the
working whereby he is able even to subdue all things unto himself."
T&C: Ooohhhh....
TOM: Still pretty tenuous, though...
CROW: Well, its not like it matters. I mean, nobody with any life at all
would actually bother to look this stuff up, right?
MIKE: Hey!
> Eternal Life Devices are patented in the United States on April 1997
TOM: Yeah, April 1, 1997.
> "I am thrilled with the Eternal Life Rings. Within five days, I looked
> younger and more attractive than before! There are no more bags under my
> eyes. I felt more energetic than before.", C.B. CA
CROW: Oh good! Now we get testimonials from people who won't sign their
names to them!
MIKE: I wonder who C.B. is, anyway...
TOM: Charlie Brown?
CROW: Clive Barker?
MIKE: Carol Burnette?
CROW: Hey, that works...
> "The Eternal LIfe Rings, tested by cell age indicator, shows to boost back
> 45 years of cell age. The foot braces shows a boost back of 145 years of
> age! Incredible medical breakthrough!", DeVon Brookshire, Medical
> Researcher, AZ
TOM: And, just for fun, somebody with a real name who sounds
semi-official.
CROW: A scientician!
MIKE: (Arizona accent) There, I gave that guy his testimonial. Now,
where'd I put my leeches?
> "I feel chi flowing through my eyes and nose. The moment I conceived that
> feeling, I knew exactly what this device does.", M.M., TX
ALL: Eww!!!
MIKE: Any guesses?
CROW: Marilyn Manson. No question.
> "I can feel the tremendous healing energy circulating in my body. This is
> different than anything before.", R.B., MI
CROW: Randy Bachman?
MIKE: Robbie Burns?
TOM: Roseanne Barr?
GYPSY: <off-camera> Richard Baseheart!
> More testimonies including users' phone numbers and recorded telephone
> conversations between users and the inventor (oral testimonies) are
> available on request.
TOM: Phone numbers? Hey, Mike, this might be a good way to meet girls!
CROW: Yeah! Young girls!
MIKE: Well, young looking, anyway.
TOM: Hey, did those people know they were being recorded? Is that
legal?
> Disclaimer: Everything written is belief based on testimonies and facts.
TOM: Except for the parts that are just lies.
MIKE: What? No belief based on divine revelation?
> The inventor of the device wrote down everything he truly believes.
CROW: EVERYTHING?
TOM: <whispered> But for the father, nothing!
MIKE: Didn't take long, did it?
> There
> is no medical claim at this moment.
TOM: No medical claim except for the ones you just made.
> The devices are for private experiment
> and research of the buyers. Pregnant women and individuals with
> pacemakers, please consult your doctor before the usage of the devices.
CROW: Alex Chiu, please consult your psychiatrist before attempting
again to interact with the real world.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
TOM: Mike, I'm confused. Is this thing a scientific device, or a holy
device?
MIKE: Neither, Tom. This is a scam.
TOM: I don't know, I looked at his web page - have you seen that
place? It's scary.
CROW: I think he actually believes this stuff.
MIKE: I think THAT'S scary.
CROW: I just can't believe that he gives out phone numbers of users on
request!
TOM: Well, I guess that's a good way to find out who uses it.
MIKE: And what would we want to know that for?
CROW: We could put them out of their misery...
[Deep 13]
DR.F: Finished, I see? I hope your last moments in this life were
pleasant ones, my little gumball-headed martyr! Now go into your
machine and sleep through your pain - because when you wake up, I'LL BE
WAITING FOR YOU! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
[Camera pulls back to show that DR. FRANK is lying in a cryogenic
freezing chamber identical to TOM's. FRANK is bustling around it fixing
dials and hooking up tubes.]
DR.F: (as the cover closes) Push the button, Frank!
[FRANK pushes a large button on the side of the coffin. The machine
fills up with smoke, and the
glass cover frosts over.]
DR.F: (muffled) The other one! The other one!
[FRANK looks startled, turns around and starts hitting buttons wildly.]
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---O--- Fwshhhh!
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MSTed by Joe Mason <jcm...@uwaterloo.ca>, February 1998.
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains.
Acknowledgments: I ripped off a couple of jokes from Gunther Schmidl and
Benjamin Kenward. Sorry, guys.
> "I feel chi flowing through my eyes and nose. The moment I conceived that
> feeling, I knew exactly what this device does."