MSTed: Overcoming Masturbation (1/3)
The Midnight Rambler
OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
---------------------------------------
A tract from Brigham Young University
MSTing by Robert Fontenot, Jr. a.k.a The Midnight Rambler
(rfon...@earthlink.net)
Rated PG-13 for lots of innuendo
Part 1 of 3
Mystery USENET Theater 3000, post 602, reel 1.
[roll theme v9.0]
...o...2...3...4...5...6...*
[SOL… MIKE stands behind a huge sheet of paper, whistling the theme to
"Remote Control". CROW and TOM walk in, talking…]
CROW: … and then the nun says, you should have seen the monkey trying to
put the cork back in!
[TOM and CROW laugh. Mike looks up at the camera, shakes head slightly
with a frown, looks back at the paper.]
TOM: (as unhappy housewife) Mike, you never talk to us anymore.
CROW: Not that we MIND or anything. In fact, we wanted to say, "Keep up
the good work."
[THE BOTS keep laughing]
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen. And you clowns. Mike Nelson is about to
present the ultimate technological advance of the next millenium!
CROW: You've… cured cancer.
MIKE: Uh, no.
SERVO: You've bought a expensive yet apocalyptically unnecessary little
geegaw that you, as an American Consumer, didn't know you even needed,
much less wanted.
MIKE: That's a little closer to it, yeah.
(BOTS mumble)
MIKE: No, now look. Stuck in space, all those off hours, nothing to do
-- face it, we have a MOUNTAIN of battery-operated consumer goods up
here! I think we have four VCRs alone!
CROW: Meaning?
MIKE: Meaning we can control them all with THIS sleek little baby.
(Pulls out monstrosity of a remote control from under desk.)
BOTS: GAH!
MIKE: …the Multi-Directional Multi-Purpose Multi-Generic Universally
Friendly 478-in-1 Power Remote. Got it on QVC. I got a horn honk!
SERVO: What does it control?
MIKE: Anything that responds to remote command! Let's see… (pointing it)
The VCR… ("pop!") … The Computer… ("modem noises") … the blender …
("whirrrr") … the Buick… ("honk!") …
BOTS: Huh?
MIKE: Well, I haven't figured it all out yet, but I wanted it and that
means it's good.
CROW: (Patronizingly) SURE it does, Mike!
MIKE: For all I know, it'll control YOU two tin soldiers as well! Ha!
(Points it teasingly at Tom) ZAP!
TOM (nervously) : Now, that's not funny.
MIKE: Let's see… the chartreuse thingy here with the screen icon is for
the Television. (clicks on it)
(Tom stops talking immediately.)
CROW: Tom?
(begins reading instructions)
MIKE: Hellooo?
TOM: (vapidly) UH-oooh!
MIKE: Um.
CROW: (reading) Mike? That button is for TELETUBBIES. Not to suggest
you're an idiot or anything.
MIKE: Oh.
TOM: Peek-a-boo! (under breath) Mike, I swear, as God is my witness, I'm
going to kill you.
(flashing lights)
MIKE: Oh! (Happy to be distracted) The UnHoly Trinity calls.
TOM: (vapidly) Hellooooo!
(CUT to Castle Forrester. We see BOBO, face hidden behind a copy of
"National Geographic", making various unpleasant animal noises. OBSERVER
enters.)
OBSERVER: Bobo, did you make off with my copy of "Fiend Without A ….
(sees Bobo, oblivious to him)
Oh. Jesus. Christ. Pose.
BOBO: (startled) Ah! I thought you and Pearl were going to the village
to buy Evil Supplies!
OBSERVER: She can't find her keys, and -- What are you DOING, primate!?
That is appalling!
BOBO: There's nothing wrong with it! It's natural and healthy!
OBSERVER: Well, it sounds as if you're in pain. It can't be too healthy.
BOBO: Oh, as if you don't like to see female brains splayed out in a
pan!
OBSERVER: Listen, Lancelot, all of our race are the same sex.
BOBO: Ah-HA! Light in the sandals! I knew it! The face paint, the
English accent…
OBSERVER: What are you going on about? (befuddled pause) Even if I HAD a
corporeal form, I wouldn't waste my time… (disgusted look) FIDDLING with
it.
BOBO: So I guess you don't want this copy of BRAIN TEASE #24, then?
I'll just put it away!
OBSERVER: GIVE me that!
(Both ogle their respective magazines, making oogy sounds. Suddenly Bobo
falls, revealing PEARL standing just behind him with a cattle prod. She
is desperately trying not to go insane with disgust.)
PEARL: If… you… two… EVER.
OBSERVER: GAH! It was the ape's idea!
PEARL: …EVER so much as remind me of this moment in polite
conversation, you're gonna Meet Joe Black SO fast…
(turning to Mike.)
PEARL: Okay, massive damage control. I'm sending you guinea piglets a
guide to stopping mast… mast… (retches slightly) It's from the Mormons!
And I better not see this again!
M&TB: MORMONS?!? NOOOOO!
(movie sign)
6...5...4...3...2...o...
a Guide to Self Control...
MIKE: "Ah! Laura Branigan chords and tabs!"
OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
MIKE: "I just don't think..."
TOM: "Now, is that a pun or a bon mot?"
CROW: "I think it's a metaphor."
distributed by... LDS Church at Brigham Young University
(Crow sings Brigham Young Football Theme)
TOM (singing along): "We don't like to touch ourselves... we think that
it's wrong..."
The attitude a person has toward his problem has an effect on how easily
it is overcome. It is essential that a firm commitment be made to
control the habit.
MIKE: "Don't say firm, please."
As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive
to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act,
he develops the power to control it.
TOM: "Is this going to be a Susan Powter infomercial?"
CROW: "Richard Simmons' NOT Sweatin' To The Oldies."
We are taught that our bodies are temples of God, and are to be clean
so that the Holy Ghost may dwell within us.
MIKE: "You're not fully possessed unless you're ZESTFULLY possessed."
Masturbation is a sinful habit that robs one of the Spirit and creates
guilt and emotional stress. It is not physically harmful unless
practiced in the extreme.
ALL, SINGSONG: "You'll put your eye out!"
It is a habit that is totally self-centered, and secretive,
CROW: "And messy."
and in no way expresses the proper use of the procreative power given to
man to fulfill eternal purposes.
TOM: "How are we going to perpetuate the Twelve Tribes of Israel if you
keep locking the bedroom door?"
It therefore separates a person from God, and defeats the gospel plan.
MIKE: "...to keep the pressure up until your head flies off."
This self-gratifying activity will cause one to lose his self-respect
and feel guilty and depressed, which can in the extreme lead to further
sinning.
CROW: "80% of all serial killers began by masturbating."
As a person feels spiritually unclean, he loses interest in prayer, his
testimony becomes weak,
TOM: "And his witnesses become immaterial."
MIKE: "And Satan beats the rap."
and missionary work and other Church callings become burdensome,
offering no joy and limited success.
CROW: "Just like they are now."
END PART 1 OF 3
--
Another Brick In The Wall (Part 2) from
Lonesome Rob Fontenot, The Midnight Rambler
-----------------------------------------------------------
Big Rob's Center of Attention:
http://home.earthlink.net/~rfontenot/bigrob.html
Beatles Fans at the Mining Co.: http://beatles.miningco.com
Exoticon '99: http://come.to/exoticon
-----------------------------------------------------------
"You can never make anything foolproof, because
fools are so goddamned ingenious." -- Unknown
Nornina
::de-lurking:: I laughed so hard I spat ::crosses out spat:: SHOT cereal onto
my moniter.
::re-lurking::
Tv's Cati.
Cati of th' Wolfpack
Nornina's norns: http://www.geocities.com/EnchantedForest/Tower/5642/
"Callan flabber!" My grendel Callan.
"Grunchy thleep" My grendel Grunchy
I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.
The Midnight Rambler
Nornina <nor...@aol.come-to-me> wrote in message
news:19990213223118...@ng41.aol.com...
>>
>>
>>(CUT to Castle Forrester. We see BOBO, face hidden behind a copy of
>>"National Geographic", making various unpleasant animal noises. OBSERVER
>>enters.)
>>
>>OBSERVER: Bobo, did you make off with my copy of "Fiend Without A ..
>>
>>(sees Bobo, oblivious to him)
>>
>>Oh. Jesus. Christ. Pose.
>>
>>BOBO: (startled) Ah! I thought you and Pearl were going to the village
>>to buy Evil Supplies!
>>
>>OBSERVER: She can't find her keys, and -- What are you DOING, primate!?
>>That is appalling!
>>
>>BOBO: There's nothing wrong with it! It's natural and healthy!
>>
>>OBSERVER: Well, it sounds as if you're in pain. It can't be too healthy.
>>
>>BOBO: Oh, as if you don't like to see female brains splayed out in a
>>pan!
>>
>>OBSERVER: Listen, Lancelot, all of our race are the same sex.
>>
>>BOBO: Ah-HA! Light in the sandals! I knew it! The face paint, the
>>English accent.
>>
>>OBSERVER: What are you going on about? (befuddled pause) Even if I HAD a
>>corporeal form, I wouldn't waste my time. (disgusted look) FIDDLING with
>>it.
>>
>>BOBO: So I guess you don't want this copy of BRAIN TEASE #24, then?
>>I'll just put it away!
>>
>>OBSERVER: GIVE me that!
>>
>>(Both ogle their respective magazines, making oogy sounds. Suddenly Bobo
>>falls, revealing PEARL standing just behind him with a cattle prod. She
>>is desperately trying not to go insane with disgust.)
>>
>
>::de-lurking:: I laughed so hard I spat ::crosses out spat:: SHOT cereal
onto
>my moniter.
>::re-lurking::
Thanks!
Oh, and I screwed up the formatting. Sorry.
--
More small parts you can choke on from
Lonesome Rob Fontenot, The Midnight Rambler
-----------------------------------------------------------
Big Rob's Center of Attention:
http://home.earthlink.net/~rfontenot/bigrob.html
THE NEW Beatles Fans at the Mining Co.: http://beatles.miningco.com
Exoticon '99: http://come.to/exoticon
-----------------------------------------------------------
"I have now experienced Rob's masturbation.
It's quite impressive!" -- Lori Holuta