Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated NC-17] [6/8]

[Matthew Blackwell]

[NOTE: This chapter is adult in nature. Be warned.]

[The Bridge is occupied by three teenage kids, all wearing
T-shirts bearing the words "Straight Edged" in lettering
resembling that of the Snapple logo. They also have large
black 'X's on their hands. They look about vigilantly.
Mike enters a moment later, sees the youths and wanders
over to them.]

Mike: Hi. Um, who are you?
Youth #1: The name's Rick. We're straight-edgers. We heard
there might be some illegal activities going on up
here.
Mike: Illegal activities? Look, I told Crow printing his
own currency was a bad idea...
Rick: No, not that. We heard there might be drug dealing
going on up here. We showed up.
Mike: Drug deals? Are you joking? Hey, wait. Don't you
folks usually stick to places like concert arenas?
Rick: Wasn't Limp Bizkit just here?
Mike: Well, yeah.
Rick: Then we're here too.
Mike: Look, we're not dealing drugs up here. Say, how
exactly did you three get up here? Can you
take us back to earth...?

[As Mike speaks, Crow enters, carrying a paper grocery
sack.]

Crow: Mike? Where do you want this Coke?

[The three youths spring into action, tackle Crow, toss him
to the ground and begin to punch and kick him repeatedly.]

Mike: Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT!

[The youths stop their assault and stare at Mike.
Mike reaches down and picks up a red and white can.]

Mike: He's just bringing in our groceries. See? Nothing
bad here.

[The youths reluctantly back up and Crow groggily
stands up.]

Crow: All right. I'll go get some Dr. Pepper.

[Crow exits and the youths resume their previous
positions.]

Mike: Guys. Seriously, everything is completely legal
up here. Now, can you possibly take us home?

[Tom enters, wearing a chef's hat on his dome and
carrying a spatula.]

Tom: Mike? Do you want scrambled eggs or hash...

[Tom is buried as the youths jump him and begin to
pummel him.]

Mike: Hey! KNOCK IT OFF!

[The youths stop and look warily at Mike.]

Mike: Hash *browns*. He's fixing breakfast.
Rick: Oh. Sorry.

[The youths back off and a battered Tom reappears.]

Tom: [dazed] Mike? I'm going to get some
neosporin, okay?

[Rick's henchteens tense up, but Rick holds them back.]

Rick: No. We've covered that one before. It's cool.
Mike: See? Everything's on the up and up. Now, please.
Can you help...

[Gypsy enters.]

Gypsy: Mike, we're running low on propiconazole,
fenarimol and our supply of metalaxyl is
getting thin!

[The straight edgers stare at each other for a moment
then shrug.]

Rick: We're going to assume that's okay. [He turns to
the other edgers.] I think it's all cleared up...

[The trill of a cell phone can be heard. Rick pulls a
small phone out of his pocket and speaks into it.]

Rick: Yeah? What? When? We're on it.
Mike: If we're okay up here, can you take us home?
Rick: Love to, but no can do. We've got an emergency.
Woody Harrelson and the Black Crowes are throwing
a shindig at the Fillmore. [to the edgers] Let's
roll.

[The edgers exit speedily.]

Mike: Blast.

[Crow and Tom enter as the lights begin to flash.]

Crow: Hey Mike? Where do you want that shipment of crank?
Mike: Stop clowning around, guys. WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!
Tom: No, seriously. Where do you want us to put it?

[Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]

[Mike, Tom and Crow enter and sit.]
Tom: Mike, it's going to spoil just sitting there like that.
Crow: Crank spoils?
Tom: I think so.
Mike: Quiet, you two. You're in enough trouble as it is.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 6: Decision '98 in Lawndale High

Mike: Brought to you by the good people at Politic-Os! It's
politics in an O... it's Honey Nut Politic-Os!

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Quinn got to David's place and spent the night there.

Crow: Hey! I thought David was into Daria.
Tom: Don't freak out just yet, Crow. Save that for when something
DOES happen.

> His parents had
>one of those convertible sofas and had it set up in the living room.

Crow: They put the top down and soon Quinn was cruisin' in a
boss machine!
Mike: Yes, nothing like a sofa to make an overnight stay that
much more enjoyable!

>They lent her one of David's white collared dress shirts for a
>nightshirt.
>
>"Wearing men's shirts as a lady's nightshirt is so unfashionable,"
>Quinn said to David.
>

Crow: [David] Uh, that's nice, Quinn, but fashion be damned.
This is MY place, for crying out loud!

>"Well," David said, "there's quite a few women out there who would
>disagree with you."
>

Mike: Men, too.
Tom: [Quinn] What are their names? I'll kill them!

>"Quinn," Warren said to her, "I know what you're going through,

Mike: [Warren] When I was your age, I had my shirt ripped off by a
mean-spirited fashion witch, too.
Tom: [David] Mom, Dad's hallucinating again.
Crow: [Deanna] Leave him be, dear, he needs his rich fantasy life.

> but
>let me tell you right now--you did the right thing in going to Jane
>Lane and telling her about what Sandi and the others were going to do.

Mike: [Warren] You may end up perching atop a bell tower with an
automatic weapon because of the loss of your popularity,
but it was still the right thing to do!

>You may have prevented a tragedy from happening."
>

Crow: [Warren] We're calling some more goons to deal with it.
What goes around comes around, am I right or am I right?

>"I don't know how I'm going to face Daria and the others when I get to
>school," Quinn whined. "I don't even have my books!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] And, like, I'm expecting an audit after 3rd period!

>"Daria will have them for you," Deanna said.
>

Mike: That oughta make Quinn sleep a little easier... not.
Crow: [Deanna] I sense great apathy from you over that.

>"Right now, you get some sleep," David said. He then went up to her
>and kissed her on the cheek. "Good night, Quinn."
>

Crow: Good night, sweet Quinn. May a chorus of fashion critics
sing thee to thy sleep.
Tom: There he goes again. Does David think he's immune to
being slapped by any woman?

>Quinn was too frazzled right now to complain. She turned off the light
>and went to bed.

Crow: You mean "went to sofa", right?
Mike: Don't be so literal.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The next morning, Warren gave David and Quinn a ride to school.

Tom: Sure, it was on a turtle's shell, but they eventually got
there.

>Meanwhile, Daria and Jane were heading there on foot.
>
>"So, how will you deal with your little Mata Hari," Jane said to
>Daria.
>

Mike: [Daria] I'll make her send an ultimatum to the Fashion
Club. Hopefully they'll surrender like the French.
Tom: [Jane] Or they could execute her.
Mike: [Daria] That's good too.

>"By all rights," Daria said, "I should strangle her until she turns
>fifty different shades of blue and purple, but I won't,

Crow: [Daria] I think greens and aquas are more suitable, don't you?

> since she went
>to you and confessed the Fashion Club's plot.

Mike: I'm glad something has a plot around here.

> But she will pay in some
>way for all this."
>

Tom: She's already paid for this. You beat her up, told Sandi
the truth about the whole "sister" thing, and Quinn got
kicked out of the Fashion Club, assaulted, and so on!
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Crow: He should skip the boring build-up and get to the part
where Daria wraps the Christmas tree with Quinn's
entrails already.
Mike: Her reward for preventing severe bodily harm? Lessened
mayhem!

>"I see," Jane said, "slow torture over a quick and painless death."
>
>"More or less," Daria replied.
>
>They got to school just as the MacAllisters' car arrived. David and
>Quinn stepped out.

Tom: Quinn forgot that it was an SUV, and fell out, bruising
her elbows.
Crow: Hey, if that's not enough torture, I don't know what is!

> Unfortunately, Sandi and the Fashion Club also
>arrived.
>

Mike: That's 8.9, 9.1, 7.6, 9.4, 8.0 and an 8.8. And Lawndale
scores a 51.8 out of a possible 60 in the synchronized
arrival competition.

>"Ignore that has-been Quinn," Sandi said; "she's a traitor to the
>Fashion Club!"
>

Crow: She's out, Sarah Michelle Gellar is five minutes ago,
and Rachel Leigh Cook is in.

>They walked past her and held their noses up in derision. Quinn began
>to cry.
>
>"Now you know what it feels like to be an outcast, Quinn," Daria told
>her. "Welcome to the club!"
>

Tom: It really is a miracle she's lived this long.
Mike: [Quinn] Oh, thanks for being so heartless, Daria.
Crow: [Daria] Don't mention it. Oh wait, DO mention it. Ha ha ha
ha ha HA HA HA HA HA!

>"Oh, Daria," Quinn said, "you ruined everything!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] The plot, the sympathy, the common sense to
stop torturing me...

>"No, I didn't," shot back Daria.

Mike: Blanket denial. I see Daria's already working up for the
next election.

> "You ruined it yourself when you fell
>into this little plot." She then handed Quinn her books.
>

Crow: [Daria] Oh, and thanks for saving the day, you little twerp.

>"You're just lucky that David was willing to take you in," Jane said.
>"And I'm pretty sure your Mom and Dad aren't going to be too happy
>with you when you come home, young lady!"
>

Tom: [Quinn] Maybe I should tell them about what Daria did
first before jumping to conclusions.
Crow: The moral of the story: The ends DO justify the means!

>"What am I going to do?," Quinn said. "I've lost everything I have
>that gave meaning to my life!"
>

Tom: And the fact that it's true is just so very very sad.
Mike: A stupid Fashion Club?
Crow: o/~ She's a one-track mind... o/~

>"You could join my campaign team," David said.
>

Crow: He sold out fast!
Tom: [David] Once you go traitor, you should go all the way!

>"UGH!," Quinn said, "I'd rather have slugs shoved down my throat!"
>

Mike: Trust me, Quinn. It's not as fun as it sounds.
[The bots turn to stare at Mike.]
Mike: What?

>"Jane, go find some slugs beneath some rocks," Daria said. "We're
>going to fulfill Quinn's request!"
>

Crow: [Quinn] Okay, but get me the small ones, please.
Mike: Daria Morgendorffer. Remember, when she Shabon-freezes you,
it's really for your own good. Honest!
Tom: Ah, this must be the 'slow and painful death' she was
talking about!

>"NO, I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!," Quinn shrieked.
>
>"Then join my team," David said.
>

Mike: Note how David has cleverly removed all of Quinn's other
choices.
Tom: He'll make a good politician after all.

>"OK, OK," Quinn said. "Boy, I'm going to regret this!"
>

Mike: I sense a hazing scene coming on.

>They now entered the school.

Crow: They now began to refer to themselves in the third person.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Since it was Friday,

Mike: But it's Saturday...

> and the special election was going to be on
>Monday, today was going to be the big debate for the candidates.

Crow: The candidates are growing up so fast! *sniff*

> The
>debate was going to be held at fifth period. Ms. Li, in her usual
>manner,

Tom: ... executed half the candidates before they could speak
against her.

> said that attendance to the debate was optional, but students
>who didn't go to it during their free period if they had it were going
>to have ten points deducted from their grade average for the quarter
>and teachers who didn't send their students to the election would have
>part of their pay for the day docked.

Mike: Actually, that sounds like a guy I used to work for.
Tom: All legal, of course!
Crow: In the city of Lawndale, anything's possible! Even
crooked things!

> Thus, it was going to be a
>crowded house at the auditorium.

Tom: So hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over.

> In fact, in between periods, it was
>already beginning to fill up.

Crow: Thankfully for the students, the whole day was period-free.

> The candidates and their respective
>campaign staffs were prepping for the debate backstage.
>

Tom: Yeah, David's stealing Sandi's debate manual, Sandi's
having Tiffany dump Nyquil in David's water carafe...
Mike: Live on ABC, it's the '98 Lawndale Student Presidency!
The only one that matters. Hi, I'm Ted Koppel.

>"Now, David," Daria said, "I've prepared your opening and closing
>speeches as well as answers to any questions you may face. Stick to
>what I've written and you can't go wrong."
>

Crow: [David] I dunno, Daria, is quoting Sartre *really* an
appropriate reply to questions about extended lunch
periods?
Tom: [Daria] Hey, whose name is in the title credits, huh?
Just do it.

>"What if Sandi tries to smear me?," David asked.
>

Mike: [Daria] Don't worry, we're going to have you laminated
just in case.

>"If she does, she's going to have a black eye for her trouble," Daria
>assured him.
>

Crow: Actually, it'll just be a blackeyed pea. She loves those.
Tom: [David] Daria, this "threaten people" thing of yours is
really getting creepy now. You sure you don't need a rest?

>At the other end of the backstage area, Sandi and the other members of
>the Fashion Club were making their own preparations.
>

Mike: Something unnecessarily evil, no doubt.
Tom: Yep, who needs a good campaign when you can do something
dirty?

>"The object of this debate will be to totally destroy David
>MacAllister," Sandi said, "to cast doubts on the public about his
>fitness to be Student Government President. Is that clear?"
>

Crow: Wow, this *is* just like real-life politics.
Mike: Yeah, I guess Pete knows what he's doing.

>Stacy and Tiffany nodded in agreement.
>
>"Good," Sandi said.
>

Tom: What? SHE'S the candidate. Why is she briefing them on
what she knows?

>Ms. Li arrived.
>

Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... LLLLET'S GET
READY TO BUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLE!

>"Will the candidates for the election please step forward," she said.
>

Crow: Immediately, the sounds of guns cocking were heard just behind
all of Ms. Li's detractors...

>"Good luck, David," Daria said.
>
>"I guess I'll need it," David told her.
>

Mike: [David] Or not. I just don't know about it nowadays.
Stupid luck thing!

>David and Sandi now stepped out to the front.

Tom: Just two candidates?
Mike: Sandi's hit teams must have gotten to the rest of them.
Crow: Or the rest of the school realized what a joke the
student council is.

> There were three
>podiums. Ms. Li, as moderator, would take the middle podium; David was
>to take the one that was to the left of her while Sandi would take the
>one to the right.

Mike: Soon, no podiums were left at all.

> As soon as they took their positions, Ms. Li started
>the proceedings:
>

Tom: REAL persons! REAL cases! Judge Judy.
Crow: [Judy] Ah-but-but-but-but-but! Not only it's the law but
it's common sense!

>"Good afternoon, everyone. As you know, Monday will be the special
>election to fill the vacant position of Student Government President.

Crow: "Special" meaning "not worth a damn but it sounds really
neat".

>Today we have arranged time to have the two candidates for the
>position debate each other.

Mike: [Ms. Li] Then we'll have them debate the actual issues.

> To my left is one of those candidates,
>David MacAllister, a sophomore whose homeroom is listed as Miss
>Armistead's Special Education Resource Class.

Crow: His teacher is Dijonnaise Monsoon?

> The other candidate is
>Sandi Del Monaco,

Tom: Maker of fine food products nationwide.

> whose homeroom is with Mr. DeMartino and is also
>President of the Fashion Club.
>

Crow: Is the Fashion Club *that* important to mention?
Mike: Anybody who can survive DeMartino's class has got my vote!

>"Here are the rules for the debate.

[All sigh.]
Mike: Y'know, I was just thinking we needed another list of
long, intricate, yet essentially meaningless details,
and like magic, here they are.

> Each candidate will have five
>minutes to deliver an opening speech.

Crow: You sure that's not too short?

> Afterwards, a panel of teachers
>will ask students questions, after which students can ask questions.
>Questions can be asked of one or the other of the candidates, or to
>both.

Tom: [Ms. Li] You can even direct questions to Perry Como, but he's
not likely to answer.

> The candidate that the question is addressed to will have five
>minutes to answer,

Tom: And, as a tradition of politics, dancing around the question
without actually answering WILL be allowed.

> while his or her opponent will have three minutes
>for a rebuttal, after which the other candidate will have another
>three minutes to reply to that rebuttal.

Crow: Assuming anyone's still awake by then.
Mike: [Ms. Li] After which, it will break down into petty bickering.
Questions?

> If a question is asked of
>both candidates, then I shall decide which candidate will answer it
>first.

Crow: [Ms. Li] They will both answer in very loud voices.

> After all have had a reasonable time to ask questions, each
>candidate will have five minutes to deliver a closing speech. Right
>now, some of the teachers are passing out pencils and paper for
>interested students to write their questions.

Mike: [Ms. Li] And portable MP3 players to the rest of you.

> When you have a question
>written down, signal one of the teachers, and he or she will pass the
>question up to me."
>

Crow: [Ms. Li] Sure, it'll take long, but hey, this is our glorious
super-bureaucracy at work!
Tom: [Ms. Li] Ah, here's one now. "Do you have Prince Albert in
a -" ... wait a moment!

>"And now, let me introduce you to the panel of teachers who will ask
>the first round of questions.

Mike: They have a separate panel for the other rounds?

> They are: English teacher Mr. O'Neill;
>social studies teacher Mr. DeMartino; art teacher Ms. DaFoe; economics
>teacher Ms. Bennett; and school psychologist Dr. Manson."
>

Tom: It's great nobody holds those mass murders against him.

>"And now, we will have the opening speeches. We had a coin toss before
>this debate, and David won it.

Crow: David gets a shiny new quarter!

> Therefore, he will start first."
>

Tom: I was afraid of this. They're actually gonna do it! My
God, we're gonna be stuck in a political debate! Mike,
save us! SAVE US!
Mike: Now, now, Servo. We can handle this. Besides, I'm
sure the issues won't be a major factor here except
the Special Ed thing.
Crow: Good, I don't wanna sound preachy.

>David cleared his throat and began:
>

Mike: Brace yourselves, we're going into the deep depths
of political nonsense.
Tom: Four score and seven years ago -
Crow: Was how long ago we started reading this.

>"Thank you, Ms. Li."
>
>"Ms. Li, panelists, ladies and gentlemen:"
>

Crow: Wear sunscreen.

>"As you know, I am David MacAllister.

Tom: [David] You may remember me from such fanfics as "Two
Klingons, a Targ and Sto'va'kor" and "The Wackiest Slayer
in Bayside High'!

> I am proud to say that I am in
>Miss Armistead's Special Education Resource Room.

Tom: [David] We have the best homeroom banner, so there! WE RULE!

> I spend about three
>of my eight periods at that room.

Mike: [David] So I have a .375 Special Ed average.

> Prior to that, when I was still in
>Sayville High School, I spent my entire day in one room.

Mike: [David] Prior to that, I lived in a hatbox.

> I've been in
>a few towns in my life, and I do notice the same thing:

Tom: Wal-Marts. Acres and acres and acres of Wal-Marts.

> people like me
>are treated like dirt."
>

Crow: [David] We're shoved into pots, and we get plants stuck
in us, and we wind up in vacuum cleaner bags! *sob*
It's horrible!

>There was a gasp in the crowd.

Crow: Oh no! He said 'dirt'!
Mike: He said something blindingly obvious! Gasp!
Tom: I lost a contact! Nobody move!

> David, undeterred, continued:
>
>"Yes, it's true. Special Education students are treated like dirt.

Tom: [David] And not that fancy, store bought dirt either!

> You
>don't know that because most of us are in one room all day, in the
>area you call the 'Ghetto'.

Tom: [David] Of course, I'm only in it 3 out of 8 periods, so
that's not a real good example. In fact, forget I
mentioned it, okay?

> No one even dares leave that wing for
>lunch because the other students will find them and beat them up.

Tom: So, basically, the students at Lawndale High have nothing
better to do than beat each other up...
Mike: They're perfect candidates for the XFL! Or at least they
used to be...

> My
>friends, this is called segregation, and it's illegal under Federal
>law.

Tom: [random student] Then bring it to the courts! Why run for a
position with these numbskulls?
Crow: [David] ...Just shut up or I'll send Daria after you!

> Are we some hideous monsters that need to be caged, to be whipped
>like horses, beaten up like dogs,

Mike: Milked like cows?!?
Tom: Trained to dance like bears?!?
Crow: Swathed in silk like caterpillars?!?

> threatened with our own lives? Do we
>breathe fire, have claws, have sharp teeth?

Crow: If ya did, maybe you wouldn't be getting beaten up so much!
Mike: Well, David's just lost the Troll and Lycanthrope vote
at Lawndale.

> Do we molest girls and
>kidnap babies?

Tom: [David] If you pinch me, do I not leak?

> Are we supposed to be locked up like we were common
>criminals? What crime have we committed other than being born with a
>medical condition that makes life more difficult than for others?

Mike: Being in this fanfic?
Tom: Well, to be fair, Mike, they *were* dragged here against
their will.

> Do
>we have the plague or leprosy?

Crow: Little Tommy Covenant in Mrs. Pena's homeroom does!

> Why do people fear us?"
>

All: You talk too much!

>"It is often said that people fear what they do not understand.

Tom: Like brevity.
Mike: [David] I'm always confusing, so they misunderstand me,
thus they fear me... hey, that's it! I'll be less
confusing from now on!

> If
>everyone out there just spent some time with us, you'd see that we're
>no different from anyone else.

Mike: [David] I'm just more saintly and noble and stuff. Plus, I
hang out with Rage Against the Electronics or whatever.
Tom: Although everyone's different in their own way, but that's
beside the point.

> I dare anyone of you to go to the
>'Ghetto' during your next free period and spend some time in one of
>our classes.

Mike: And miss Kevin's daily strangling by DeMartino?

> I dare my opponent to spend some time there herself."
>

Tom: I'm no Carville-type political expert, but generally,
debating points that include the word "dare" don't
usually succeed.

>Sandi cringed at the thought.
>
>David continued:
>

Crow: [grumbling] Shouldn't time run out now?

>"In fact, if I dare be so bold,

Tom: Oh, please do!

> I want Ms. Li to spend some time down
>there.

Mike: [Ms. Li] I'm the principal. You think I never go through my own
school?

> Let her see what we have to put up with over there, and then,
>Ms. Li, I want you to tear down the 'Ghetto' and give us our freedom!"

Crow: Wow! This is just like Braveheart, aside from this really
sucking!

>
>Virtually all the Special Education students were here for the debate;
>Mr. Steel and Mr. Smitts had so ordered to Ms. Li, lest the school
>district faced legal action from the Department of Education.

Mike: Even if it was "optional".
Crow: [Lawyer] You must harass and annoy them as much as you do
the rest of the student body. You have no choice in this
matter.

> They
>stood up and cheered.
>

Mike: Too bad they were facing the wrong way.

>Ms. Li stood there in shock. She then regained her composure and said,
>"Will everyone settle down now!"
>

Tom: [Ms. Li] Or I'll unleash some bureaucratic power on your butts!

>The cheering stopped. David continued:
>

Crow: o/~ We will start the ranting! For when we are done,
they will still go on, and on, and on... o/~

>"Now I will get to my promises.

Mike: Ah yes, the issues. Almost forgot there.

> If elected, I promise that I will see
>to it that the Student Government Constitution is amended so it's in
>line with the recommendations the Federal Department of Education
>made.

Crow: [David] I asked them for help myself!

> They will include:
>
>1)

Tom: Oh my sweet Aunt Fanny! He's giving us an itemized list!

> The enfranchisement of self-contained Special Education students by
>allowing them to vote at a fixed period, since they do not go to
>Social Studies class like the regular students do;
>

Mike: Thrill as the awesome might of the world's most powerful
government is brought to bear on high school council
elections!

>2)

Crow: Pink elephants!

> The representation of self-contained and resource Special Education
>homerooms in the House or Homeroom Representatives;
>
>3)

Tom: A pit bull stadium!

> That one of each group of class senators in the Student Senate will
>be reserved for Special Education students, for a total of three;
>

All: o/~ Pad pad pad pad the fic, pad pad pad pad the fic! o/~

>4)

Crow: The immediate resignation of Ms. Li, and the immediate
appointment of Tom Green as principal.

> That a Special Education Liaison be added to the Cabinet;
>
>5)

Mike: Three, sir.
Crow: A Sandi dartboard! Complete with "Like, Ow!" sounds.

> That a Special Education Advocate be added to the Student Court;
>and
>
>6)

Tom: [David] You will give me all of your base! Yes, all of them!
Crow: For great justice! Move every Li!
Mike: Guys? Desist.

> That an anti-discrimination clause be added preventing clubs from
>barring Special Education students from their membership at the risk
>of losing Student Government funding."
>

Mike: Now *that's* entertainment!

>Sandi cringed at that.

Crow: [Sandi] Like, what would the funding DO for my club,
anyway?

> David continued:

Mike: Big surprise.

>
>"I also further promise that I will regularly visit the 'Ghetto' and
>speak to my constituents there;

Tom: [David] Of course, that doesn't mean I plan to leave my spacious
penthouse on the Upper East Side anytime soon.

> that I will push for improvements to
>that area, and the eventual relocation of Special Education classes so
>that they're more equitable spread out among the building.

Crow: [David] Thereby squishing the other students into smaller
rooms. Ha!

> And I also
>promise that I will not raise student activity fees to meet these
>changes."
>

Tom: So in other words, he'll be concentrating all his efforts on
one particular interest group, but he *probably* won't
inconvenience the majority.
Mike: Yep, this *is* like real-life politics.
Crow: Maybe Pete writes for "The Nation" in his spare time.

>"Students of Lawndale High, the choice is yours.

Mike: Swiss or cheddar? White or whole wheat? Left or right?
Sonic or Mario?

> Keep things the way
>they are, and watch people like me continue to suffer, or change
>things and help improve our lot in life.

Tom: [David] But not yours. Odd that.

> Vote for me, and I will help
>make these changes."
>

Crow: [David] Provided they let me reform the system dramatically.
Mike: I think we're going to see the answer to that age-old
question, "What if they threw an election and nobody came?"

>"Thank you for your attention."
>

Tom: We now return you to the fanfic, already going nowhere.

>The Special Education students stood up and cheered.
>

Crow: Everyone else was already asleep.

>"Well, thank you, David," Ms. Li said rather nervously.

Mike: [Ms. Li] Better flood the chamber, he's on to me!

> "And now,
>Sandi will deliver her opening speech."

Crow: [Sandi] I vow to get us a coke machine for the cafeteria!
Thank you!

>
>Sandi was trembling a bit now from hearing David's speech. However,
>she regained her composure and went up to the microphone. She began:
>

Mike: For the remainder of our fanfic, Sandi will be played by
George C. Wallace.
Crow: And now, "Racism for dummies"!

>"Thank you, Ms. Li."
>

Crow: [Sandi] And thanks for that generous campaign contribution.

>"Ladies and gentlemen,

Mike: Wear sunscreen.
Tom: [David] Hey! She's co-opting my platform!

> you already know me. I'm Sandi Del Monaco,

Mike: Of the Hampton Del Monacos?
Crow: Ruler of Monaco! And I shall annex thee into mine own Empire!

> and
>I'm running for Student Government President. I have the credentials
>to do this job.

Mike: [Sandi] See my resume? It says so!

> I've been President of the Fashion Club since it was
>first organized.

Mike: Well, there ya go. Let's all the rest of us just go home.

> I'm also the most popular girl in school"
>

Tom: [Sandi] And as you know, being popular means you know
how to run a school bureaucracy! Plus, I'm all, like,
humble and loveable and crap.

>"My opponent here talks about equality and rights for his kind of
>people. And, like, what does he mean by that?

Mike: [Sandi] Like, what are we living in? The 21st century,
or something?

> I will tell you the
>plain, honest, brutal truth.

Crow: [Sandi] I don't know. I kinda skipped Civics when we talked
about that stuff.

> He wants to water down this school to the
>status of being a funny farm, that's what!"
>

Mike: He wants to turn it into a Chevy Chase movie?
Tom: [horror] No!

>There was a loud gasp from the crowd.
>

Tom: Wow. Political suicide. You don't see that much anymore.

>David gritted his teeth and clenched his fists.
>

Mike: Then he thrust his fists against the post, still insisting
he saw the ghost.

>"Calm down, David!," whispered Daria offstage; "people can see you do
>that!"
>

Crow: [Daria] You've also got spinach in your teeth! No, don't
pick it!

>David did calm down. Sandi continued:
>

Mike: Much to the dismay of the censors.

>"My opponent wants to water down our clubs like Honor Society and the
>Fashion Club as well as weaken our sports teams by insisting on
>affirmative action for Special Education students.

Tom: Um, I don't recall David asking for a quota on
Special Ed students in teams and clubs...
Crow: First rule of politics, Tom: Never run on what your
opponent actually said.

> He wants to spread
>out the Special Education classes so that we have to see his and all
>the other dumb retarts' ugly faces everywhere we go.

Mike: Vote for Sandi - the kind, sensitive candidate.
Crow: [Sandi] I mean, if they're around, where are the faces
of those who've wronged us supposed to go, huh?
Tom: She copied this speech from David Duke's book.

> If my opponent
>has it his way, people like him would have free license to go chasing
>after girls like us and molest us.

Mike: [Sandi] Like, we get enough of that from the football team.

> What next? Will we have to admit
>geeks like Daria Morgendorffer into the Fashion Club and allow Upchuck
>to play on the football team and date any girl he wants?"
>

Tom: THIS is her strategy? Why not just paint a big bullseye
on your head and drop the editorial writers on you?
Mike: Standard Upchuck reply in one... two...

>Upchuck, who was in the back row, stood up and said, "I wouldn't mind
>going out with you, Sandi! ROWR!"
>

Crow: It's the icky versus the cruel, in a match with no good guys!

>There was another gasp from the crowd.
>

Mike: They're moving Buffy to UPN!

>"Shut up, Upchuck!," Sandi shot back. She continued:
>

Tom: Shooting in a debate too. Man, she's racking up the
violations.

>"There is a reason why the 'Ghetto' exists.

Mike: Because politicians need something to be concerned over
every four years.

> Special Education students
>cannot function in a normal school environment. It's for their own
>good."
>

Crow: [Sandi] And my own political good. Whoops! Is that another
hideous remark?

>"Like segregation was for the African-Americans' own good and the
>Holocaust was for the Jew's own good, I guess," Jane said to Daria in
>a snide side remark.
>

Mike: And like that show with the puppets is for the bad movie's
own good... oh, wait.
Crow: More comparisons. I already mentioned this Guerin-ism... no
wait, here it is! Guerin-ism #214: Repeat all Guerin-isms no
matter how obvious they are.

>"Who wrote her speech for her, the Grand Dragon of the KKK?," Daria
>replied to Jane.
>

Tom: It's Mystery Daria Theater 3000.
Mike: What?
Tom: Uh, I'm not too sure myself, Mike. Just had to say it.

>"If you vote for me," Sandi continued,

Mike: [Sandi] I shall laugh at you so hard...

> "I promise you that I too will
>keep the student activity fee at its present level. I also promise you
>that our Student Government will concentrate on matters that count to
>our students:

Crow: Less homework? Uh oh, I don't know how David's gonna cope
with that.

> more extracurricular activities, more weekend
>activities,

Mike: More getting lost in the woods and leaving Kevin behind
for the wolves.
Tom: But it's the WEEKEND!
Mike: I think her support went back down again.

> a new scoreboard for the gym and the athletic field, and a
>chicken sandwich on every lunch tray."
>

Tom: Oh, and there goes the vegetarian vote too.
Crow: All this without increasing the fees?
Tom: Oh, don't be a tax-and-spend advocate.
Crow: Me? You're the one blabbing about social security!
Mike: Guys, don't go political on me now.

>"Kind of like a chick in every pot, huh, Daria?," Jane asked.
>

Tom: Hey! Someone put Tara Reid in this batch of marijuana!

>"More like rubber chicken stew," Daria shot back.
>

Crow: Brought to you by the Rubber Chicken council. We're
more than just an old joke!

>"So, on Monday, like, do the right thing, and, like, vote for me and
>not that dumb retart opponent of mine. Thank you."
>
>The crowd stood up and cheered.
>

Mike: That was a speech worth standing for?
Tom: I guess they're thinking that the debate's over. Poor saps.

>"Well, thank you, Sandi," Ms. Li said.

Crow: [Ms. Li] And don't forget, you have the right to write in a
third
party candidate of your choice. Please!!!

> "And now, our panelists will
>ask questions of the candidates. Remember, if anyone in the audience
>has questions, please write them down on the papers and pencils we
>passed out earlier and give them to the teachers at either end of the
>auditorium.

Mike: The idea of just passing one piece of paper and one pencil
was not a good one...

> We'll start with Mr. O'Neill."
>
>"David," Mr. O'Neill said, "I admire you for the brave stand you're
>taking by running for office.

Tom: Getting a compliment from him is like OJ saying "your case
is interesting."

> However, are the proposals you're making
>a bit extreme?"
>

Crow: No, hiring thugs and beating the crap out of your opponents
are a bit extreme. This is just David trying to grab some power.

>"Not at all," David said. "These were the proposals made by the local
>office of the Federal Department of Education's Office for Civil
>Rights. If we don't enact them on our own, they will sue the district
>and make them comply. It is better this way."
>

Mike: So, even if you're not elected, they're gonna have to do
it anyway? I'm confused.
Tom: [monotone] We will comply. Resistance is futile.

>"Well," Sandi replied, "I think it amounts to establishing a
>carpetbagger government run by retarts and dummies.

Crow: Gallant presents a clear, logical rebuttal to his
opponent's remarks. Goofus spews out a rambling,
hateful diatribe and closes by mumbling the lyrics to
"Radar Love."

> You don't let the
>lunatics run the asylum."
>

Mike: Unless we're talking about Congress, in which case they
run the asylum and the drug store too.

>David was getting mad again.
>

Tom: Awww, look at his puffy red cheeks, they're so cute!

>"And what would you do if you're elected," David answered, "add
>'grandfather clauses'

Crow: "Grandfather Clause"?!? Wow, he must be *really* old!
No wonder he handed the family business off to that
Kringle kid!

> to prevent people like me from voting and
>holding office?"
>

Tom: Mike?
Mike: Yes?
Tom: I'm getting overwhelmed by all the blunt references to
the civil rights movement.
Mike: Just turn your brain off and it'll all be okay.

>Ms. Li interrupted by saying, "Now, now, let's keep this civilized."
>

Mike: Yeah. We don't want anything interesting to happen.

>Things began to calm down.
>
>"Mr. DeMartino," Ms. Li said, "I believe you have the next question."
>

Mike: Hey, that was only half a minute!
Tom: Shh, Mike. The shorter, the better.

>Mr. DeMartino stood up, with his right eye bulging out,

Crow: Bet his Visine shipment bills are through the roof.

> and began to
>speak in his usual neurotic tone, stressing some words over others:
>
>"This QUESTION is going to be ADDRESSED to SANDI!

Crow: [DeMartino] UPCHUCK wants to KNOW if you'll COME with him
to the DANCE next WEEK!

> I want to ask HER if
>SHE is either a rednecked BIGOT or a complete IDIOT for having such a
>NEGATIVE view of Special Education STUDENTS!"
>

Mike: Idiot or bigot? Let's take a poll!
Tom: The results are in. 60% say 'bigot'...
Crow: 39% say 'idiot'...
Tom: And 1% say 'I don't care, I still want to date her.'

>Sandi was shocked at that.
>

Crow: [Sandi] My neck is not red!

>"How dare you imply that I'm a bigot!," Sandi shot back.
>

Mike: Yeah! He should just declare it outright!

>"If the shoe FITS, wear IT!," said Mr. DeMartino.
>

Tom: [DeMartino] And if it DOESN'T fit, just EXCHANGE it for a pair
that DOES! Just be SURE you SAVE the RECEIPT!!!
Crow: [Sandi] Like, I *know* these very basic fashion tips.

>"I have to agree with him," David said.

Mike: Circle gets the square!

> "You want to keep us held down
>to our low status. If that isn't bigotry, then I'll be hanged for a
>horse thief!"
>

Tom: Well, there's an odd turn of phrase.
Mike: Later, the mysterious disappearance of Secretariat made
David all nervous and jumpy.
Crow: Again, I reiterate that it's silly to base a political
drama on an issue that's nearly one-sided these days. And
on top of that, Sandi's strategy has been SNAFUed by the
sheer audacity of it.
Mike: I thought you were gonna stop preaching.
Crow: I lied.

>"Do you want a fat lip?," Sandi shouted.
>

Mike: [David] No, but I'll give you a Hawaiian Punch.
Tom: Okay, add 'threatening the candidate' to the list of
violations. That oughta REALLY help Sandi there.

>"Please, please, everyone!," Ms. Li said, "Don't let this debate
>degenerate into being 'The Jerry Springer Show!'"
>

All: [chanting] Ms.Li! Ms.Li! Ms.Li! Ms.Li! Ms.Li!

>"C'mon, Sandi," Mr. DeMartino said to her, "you want to fight ME?
>WELL, DO YOU!"
>

Mike: Well, here's a near-certain lawsuit for the school district.

>"C'mon, you George Wallace wanna-be!," David now said, "put up your
>dukes and fight like a man, and not the stuck-up sissy you are!"
>

Crow: Well, let her get in her wheelchair first!
Tom: There goes David's politically-correct support.

>"David, don't provoke her!," Daria said.
>

Mike: So that's what the "triumph" is!

>Sandi lost it and lunged for Mr. DeMartino. David got on top of her.

Crow: I'll just leave it at that. No sense in making it worse.

>Daria and Jane raced in to break up the fight and were soon dragged
>into it as well. Sandi's campaign team then joined in.

Tom: And suddenly this becomes a rugby match.
Crow: Y'know, guys, there's only one explanation. This is the mirror
universe.
Mike: Yeah. Any second now, O'Neill's gonna whip out his agonizer and
restore order.

> The crowd was
>going bonkers.

Tom: Mmmm. Fruit flavored candy with a hard shell.

> Mr. DeMartino took a chair and flung it at Ms. Li,
>breaking her nose.
>

Crow: [laughs] Hey, who does he think he is - a basketball coach?

>"Geraldo Rivera, eat your heart out! ROWR!," Upchuck said.
>

[All gag.]
Crow: Move along, folks. Move along, please!

>All Hell had broken loose in the auditorium.

Mike: The auditorium now resembled the WB's programming department.

> Only after a few minutes
>that someone had the sense to call in the police. A few minutes after
>that, they muscled their way through the crowd and broke up the fight.

Tom: [Irish accent] Alright, fanfic's over. Break it up. Break it
up! I want no more of that fighting, ya hear?

>It was clear that there were going to be arrests made.

Mike: Yeah, a fight like this usually triggers arrests.

> In fact,
>everyone who was on stage was taken away. What was going to be a
>civilized debate had become a three-ring media circus, and no one it
>seemed was going to assay the role of being the ringmaster.

Mike: Thankfully, a tiny car full of clowns soon arrived to calm
the roiling crowd.
Tom: Guerin-ism #943: End a scene with some silly analogy
that adds up to nothing in the long run.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>At the police station, Jake, Helen, Warren, Deanna, Trent, Amanda,
>Darren, Rage Against the Machine and the Straight-Edgers had all raced
>down as soon as they heard what happened.

Crow: Soon, even more people were arriving! Like Tori Spelling!
Mike: Bruce Boxleitner!
Tom: Huey Lewis and the News!
Crow: Greg Kinnear!
Mike: The Orlando Magic!
Tom: Michael, Janet *and* Victoria Jackson!

> Helen was having some choice
>words with the desk sergeant:
>

Tom: Oh, it's just like "Law & Order". Only not as good.
Crow: [Helen] (a) Will you go out with a friend of mine? She's
cute. (b) I need to borrow your phone. Or (c) LET DARIA GO!

>"Mind you, officer, I'm one of the most respected lawyers in this
>town!

Tom: [desk sergeant] So is Matlock, but I'm not giving leeway
for him, either.

> I could sue your department for false arrest and violating all
>these people's civil rights."
>

Mike: You could sue them for turning your daughter into a newt too,
but that doesn't mean any of those things actually happened.
Tom: [Cop] Ma'am, there was a huge fight! We have dozens of
witnesses!
Crow: [Helen] You dare question my Divine Right of Attorney?!?
Seize him!

>"Look, lady," the desk sergeant said, "right now, these people are
>facing at least charges for disturbing the peace. And God only know if
>any of the individuals involved are going to press charges against the
>others for assault and battery.

Mike: [cop] Plus, they all gotta sign the release form so we can
send the video to "World's Funniest Debate Forums" on Fox.

> I just can't release them unless
>everyone agrees to just put this nonsense behind them. After all, it's
>just a Student Government election!"
>

All: THANK YOU!!!
Crow: At last, a character with an ounce of perspective!
Mike: The voice of reason! I'd forgotten what it sounded like!

>"'Just a Student Government election!,'" Helen said in an indignant
>tone.

Tom: YES! It's just a Student Government election!

> "This is more than just that, officer!

Crow: [Helen] It's a Student Government election that
tangentially involves my daughter!

> We're talking about
>empowering Special Education students who have been oppressed for
>many, many years here!"
>

Crow: All the way back to 1776, when Abraham Lincoln discovered
America!
Mike: [Cop] They beat each other up, pure and simple, and
we're not letting them go until the charges are
dropped, comprendre?

>"The ghost of Tom Joad will haunt you, pig, if you don't let them
>go!," Zack said in a threatening tone.
>

Mike: [cop, confused] A Springsteen CD will haunt me?
Tom: Well, if nothing else, ya gotta admire Roach-boy's chutzpah for
going to a police station and threatening a cop.
Mike: Mmmmmmm, no I don't.

>"Are you threatening me, Mr. de la Rocha?," the desk sergeant said.
>

Crow: [Beavis as Cornholio] Are you threatening me?!? Heh heh heh...
Mike: [puts hand on Crow's shoulder] Crow?
Crow: Yeah?
Tom: You know we love you.
Crow: Sure.
Mike: But do that again and I'm suspending your kitchen privileges.
Crow: Awwwww...
Tom: Think of it as tough love, Crow.

>"Well, I guess I'll see you in court then, officer," Helen said. "It
>won't help the police very much if they were seen as having falsely
>arrested innocent persons and had to pay millions in damages!"
>

Tom: But they're not innocent! They were in a fight!

>The desk sergeant gulped hard, then got on the intercom and said,
>"Bring those people we arrested at the high school riot over here
>now!"
>

Mike: [mumbling] Oh, yeah. Threatening the police is always
a good idea.
Crow: [cop] We got people who missed all the excitement the first
time, so we need 'em to do it again.

>In short order, Daria, Jane, David, Sandi, Ms. Li, Mr. DeMartino and
>all the others who were on stage at the time of arrest were dragged
>out.
>

Crow: The LPD had to let prisoners go free just to fit all these
characters into the station!

>"Look, I'm going to say this just once!," the desk sergeant said.

Tom: [Cop] But you're ALL crazy! Every last one of you! Why
couldn't I go to someplace normal, like New York or
Detroit?

>"We're willing to drop the disturbing the peace charges if all of you
>agree to drop any assault and battery charges against everyone else.

Crow: Doesn't the DA have to dismiss cases, not the police?

>You have ten seconds to make up your minds!"
>

Mike: At this point, all involved set aside their differences
and agreed to sue the Lawndale PD.

>Everyone grumbled their consent.
>

Crow: Nuts! Almost kept them out of the fanfic!

>"OK, ladies and gentlemen," the desk sergeant said, "you're free to
>go. And I don't want to see your ugly mugs in here again!"
>

Tom: Unless, of course, they're all filled with sweet sweet coffee!

>Everyone flashed hostile glances at each other without saying a word.

Mike: Even Daria shot a glance at Jane, and vice-versa!
Tom: Tonight on "Hard Copy"! The REAL story behind the scenes
of Daria!

>It was going to be a tense weekend, that was for certain.
>

Crow: Well, sure! I mean, what with the Shriners being in town
and all!

>Daria, Jake and Helen got to their car, then drove off.
>

Mike: Thank goodness they did it in that order.

>"Daria," Helen said, "just to let you know, we're not mad or anything,

Crow: [Helen] After all, we've let all those other fights you had
slip by.

>since it seems that Mr. DeMartino started all this.

Mike: [DeMartino] What do YOU mean I started THIS? I WASN'T
running for PRESIDENT!

> But don't you
>think this whole campaign is extracting a rather high price for a
>worthy goal?"
>

Tom: [Jake] Yeah, young lady! Do you think we're made of money?

>"Mom," Daria,

Crow: Ooo, she decides to speak without verbing herself.
Tom: How very Zen.

> "you put it best yourself: 'In for a nickel, in for a
>dollar.'"
>

Crow: Not a very profitable investment portfolio, is it?
Mike: "'Yes in principle' is often a synonym for 'no.'" --
Timothy Garton Ash
Tom: "In our time, political speech and writing are
largely the defense of the indefensible."
-- George Orwell

>"For God's sake, Daria," Jake interjected,

Mike: [Jake] Don't confuse me with Helen's mumbo-jumbo!

> "we're just lucky that
>there won't be any legal action in all this. Whatever disciplinary
>action you might face in school, of course, is another matter. I just
>hope that nothing else is going to happen."
>

Tom: What, no rant against his father or a bone-headed comment?

>When they pulled up to their house, Mr. Steele and Mr. Smitts from the
>Department of Education were waiting for them.
>
>"Aw, Hell," Jake said, "what do they want now?"
>

Mike: [Jake] Probably gonna sell me some Department of Education
cookies. God, they taste AWFUL!

>When they stepped out, Mr. Steele spoke first:
>

Tom: [British] Hello. Remington Steele here. This is my associate,
Miss Laura Holt.

>"You should be more careful about leaving your youngest daughter alone
>in the house," Mr. Steele said; "she almost polished off this bottle
>of whiskey when we stopped by to see you."
>

Crow: [Steele] But she ran out of Old English.
Mike: Boy, she's really reacting badly to being cast in this fic.

>"WHAT!," Helen shrieked; she ran in, and sure enough, Quinn was lying
>on the couch, crocked but good.
>

Tom: [Quinn] Oh, ith those loserth I live with, and Janeane
Garath - Garathfi - that mithery chick!
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen - Guerin explores the possibilities of
booze!
Mike: Booze - the cure for a fanfic!

>"QUINN!," Helen roared, "I HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD EXPLANATION FOR THIS!"
>

Mike: [Quinn] HIC! I'm auditioning for the HIC! lead role in
HIC! the Drew Barrymore story. HIC!

>"I'm-HIC!-all washed-HIC!--up!,"

Tom: Washed up in sweet, sweet booze!

> Quinn said; "I've been--HIC!--kicked
>out of the Fashion--HIC!--Club; I've lost all my--HIC!--best friends;
>I've been reduced to--HIC!--working for David MacAllister's campaign
>team! Who wouldn't get--HIC!--drunk over that? HIC! HIC! HIC! HIC!"
>

Crow: So, to sum up - hic.
Mike: Quick, get an ipecac, or a paper bag!
Tom: Booze gives you hiccups? Wow, is there anything it CAN'T do?

>"You march right up to your room, young lady, this instant!," Helen
>snapped; "I'll deal with you later!"
>

Crow: This anti-Quinn thing's almost as bad as the anti-Riker
in "Episode 666"!
Tom: So?
Crow: Just noting.

>"Anyway, Mrs. Morgendorffer," Mr. Smitts said, "we just spoke with the
>MacAllisters, and now we're speaking to you about this.

Mike: Special Appearance by Agent State-The-Obvious.
Tom: [Mr. Smitts] This fanfic, it's driving everyone nuts. We
ask that you cease beating up everyone to a bloody pulp.
Crow: [Daria] NEVER! I will never stop kicking crotches!

> Since we fear
>that there's going to be violence at the election, we're going to have
>FBI agents surrounding Mr. MacAllister and your daughters from now
>until the election results have been announced.

Tom: [Smitts] We're calling in Dale Cooper to come by and dance
with a dwarf.
Crow: Oh, just call the National Guard. That oughta help the
situation.

> Further, we're going
>to have the National Guard present at the school;

Tom: [Smitts] One of them, at least. He'll be guarding the
coffee maker in the teacher's lounge.
Crow: Never mind.

> the President has
>already Federalized them in case the governor has any objections."
>

Tom: Welp. Apparently, the sane cop is a lone voice crying in the
wind here.
Mike: Don't be surprised if we find Ms Li standing in the schoolhouse
door to further drive home the "lesson".
Crow: This has all the subtleness of a rhinoceros in combat boots.

>"Well, if this isn't Little Rock all over again," Daria said
>sarcastically.
>

Mike: Soon, Daria and her pals found themselves subpoenaed by
Ken Starr.

>"It's for your protection, Ms. Morgendorffer," Mr. Steele said.
>

Crow: [Steele] But the ridges are for your pleasure.

>"Anyway, we've got to go home now," Mr. Smitts said. "It's getting
>late.

Tom: [Smitts] We're missing Black Scorpion.

> Try not to kill each other or anyone else until the election is
>over, OK?"
>

Mike: [Steele] We're talking to you here, Daria.
Crow: [Daria] Wait, he made a sarcastic comment! No wonder mom
cries every time I mention the Department of Education!

>With that, Mr. Steele and Mr. Smitts left.
>
>"OOOOOO, I'm real mad at Quinn getting drunk!," Helen said. "I'm going
>to talk to her right now."
>

Mike: Sympathy for Quinn is like showing sympathy for Wile E.
Coyote. We understand the plight, but we really shouldn't
be rooting for the person.
Crow: Makes it all the more frustrating, Mike.

>"Daria," Jake said, "I hope you haven't done anything like getting
>drunk!"
>

Mike: Oh, so this must be the scene where Daria preaches about
her low-tolerance of alcohol.

>"Dad," Daria said, "you know the strongest thing I ever drink is
>soda."
>

Tom: [Daria] Of course, I *have* been pouring buckets of smack
into my veins every day, but *no* booze.

>"Good for you, Daria!," Jake said.

Mike: [Jake] Better to have rotten teeth than a rotten liver!
Crow: [Helen] Daria, you'll never be in the social crowds again
without the sweet taste of booze!

> "See, I can be a good parent! Now
>if only my father was as understanding!"
>

Mike: Raising a kid who doesn't drink at all, even moderately,
is being a good parent?

>"But he wasn't and he sent you to military school," Daria said, as if
>she knew what Jake was going to say next.
>
>"Gee, how did you know that I was going to say that next?," Jake said.
>
>"Let's just call it a woman's intuition," Daria replied.

Tom: Woman's intuition. Running gag. Same thing.
Crow: Alternatively, you can call it "babethink".

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------

Mike: Meanwhile, back in Wisconsin...

>Helen gave Quinn a good chewing out and grounded her for the weekend.

Tom: Just for getting drunk at home. Isn't the hangover
punishment enough?

>Daria, however, since she was only trying to protect David, was not
>punished.

Crow: Of course not! Daria's just an angel! Why punish the main
character for beating up people?

> The next morning, Daria decided to sleep in a bit late. It
>was about 8:30 AM when the phone in her room rang.

Tom: [Daria] Better be those script changes...

> She got up and
>answered it.
>
>"Uh--YAWN!--hello?," Daria spoke into the phone.
>

Mike: [Daria] Do I like hairy movies? Well, "Planet of the
Apes" was okay, and I liked "The Fisher King", but
"Patch Adams" pretty much sucked.

>"I'm sorry, Daria," David said on the other end, "did I wake you?"
>

Crow: [Daria] By Jove, Holmes, what an extraordinary deduction.
Now translate this for me - *zzzzzzzzzzzz*

>"Oh, no!," Daria said in surprise; "I was just getting up."
>
>"Listen," David said, "I was wondering if you could go with me to see
>my Special Education teacher?"
>

Tom: Is that what you call it nowadays? Sheesh, they must have
a big thesaurus just for that one word!

>"You want me to meet your teacher?," Daria said.
>
>"OK, so it isn't exactly anyone's idea of a fun time," David said,
>"but she's real nice, as well as her husband."
>

Mike: [David] They're named Mickey and Mallory Knox. They've
got a neato gun collection!

>"OK, OK," Daria said, "let me get dressed and I'll meet you over at
>your place."
>

Crow: [David] But why bother dressing? Heh, heh.

>"Good," David said. "I'll see you in a little while then."
>
>"Sure," Daria replied; "Bye."
>

Tom: [Daria] I can't believe my date's gonna be a trip to
his teacher. Why not the movies or a picnic?

>She hung up the phone and proceeded to get dressed.

Mike: What? We're not gonna find out WHAT she's gonna be
dressed in? Guerin, you okay?

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>After getting dressed and meeting David at his place, he and Daria got
>Jane (Daria had called her and invited her; "What the Hell," Jane had
>said, "I can't think of a better way to waste my Saturday")

Crow: [Jane] Pathetic, ain't it?
Mike: Hmmm, the author must be rushing here a bit.
Tom: So are we. Come on, fanfic, move!

> and went
>to the W. E. B. DuBois Apartment Complex.

Mike: To their surprise, it was actually the W.E.B. *Griffith*
Complex. Soon Daria, Jane and David found themselves at
the Marine Boot Camp at 29 Palms.

> For a housing development,
>it looked fairly decent.

Tom: Mike? Lawndale's a suburb, isn't it?
Mike: I think so.
Tom: Well, how many suburbs have housing projects?

> They went to Apartment 3-7D, in Building 3,
>which was the residence of Nathan and Alicia Armistead.

Mike: Sure, fanfic... just shove the symbolism down our throats.

> David rang the
>doorbell, which was answered by Nathan.
>
>"Why, hello, David," Nathan said. "Come in. Who are your friends?"
>

Crow: [David] My political operatives.

>"Pastor Armistead," David said, "these are my friends Daria
>Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. They're classmates of mine at Lawndale
>High."
>

Mike: [David] I French kissed one of them. Try to guess
which one!

>"You're an ordained minister?," Daria said.
>

Tom: Yep, the good guys here definitely have a case of
Inflated Nobility.
Crow: [Nathan] Yep. I'm ordained in the Church of the Unified
Consciousness! It only cost me $7.95!

>"Yes I am, Daria," Nathan said. "I'm a Baptist minister. I also belong
>to the Lawndale Community Theater."
>

[All groan.]
Crow: Community Theater? We're *really* doomed.
Tom: [Nathan] Have you seen my one man show, "Skeet Ulrich,
Skeet Ulrich, Skeet Ulrich"?
Mike: Wait guys, maybe it's not that bad. At least he doesn't
work for Roger Corman.

>"Now I know you," Daria said. "Mom and Dad saw you perform in their
>recent production of 'The Man of La Mancha.'"
>

Mike: Oh, he's a singing preacher.
Tom: I saw him perform a medley of Whitesnake songs while reading
from 1st Thessalonians. It was moving.

>"Yes, I did," Nathan said. "I played Don Quixote."
>

Crow: How appropriate. David's fighting windmills too.
Mike: [Nathan] I also played Frank N' Furter in a recent
Rocky Horror Revival.

>"Wow, an African-American Don Quixote," Jane said; "what a concept!"
>

Crow: They're called "Moors", Jane.

>"And I got good praise for it, too," Nathan said in his baritone
>voice.

Tom: [Nathan] None of that bad praise, thank goodness.

> "I was inspired to take up acting when I was young by watching
>Paul Roebson films. Perhaps you would like me to sing a bit for you?"
>

Mike: [Daria] Almost as much as I'd like to gnaw my arm off.
Tom: Uh-oh. I sense a musical interlude coming on, guys.
Crow: Gee, Servo, what was your first clue?

>"Sure," Jane said,

Crow: Damn you...

> "anything can beat having to hear my brother Trent
>and his friend Jesse Moreno mangle every chord known to man on their
>guitars."
>

Tom: Mangling chords. Must be a new 'in' thing with amateur
rock bands.

>"Anyway," Nathan said to David, "Alicia has been keeping me informed
>of your campaign. I know that sometimes the goal looks far away, and
>that you're fighting impossible odds, so I wanted to sing this for
>you.

Mike: o/~ Who threw the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder? Nobody
spoke so he shouted all the louder... o/~

> It's from 'The Man of La Mancha'. It's called 'The Impossible
>Dream.'"
>

Tom: An affordable health-care system?
Mike: A good Renny Harlin movie?
Crow: The end?

>Nathan cleared his throat and began to sing in his rich, deep baritone
>voice:
>

Tom: [Nathan] Previously on Gargoyles, oops, wrong series.

>"To dream the impossible dream,

Crow: o/~ Might be a sign of some sort of mental disorder that
you should see your doctor about o/~

> to fight the unbeatable foe,/

Mike: o/~ Will probably leave you in the hospital with
several broken bones and contusions o/~

> To bear
>with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go."
>

Tom: Cincinnati?

>"To right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar,/

Tom: o/~ Means you're not a Clinton or a Kennedy o/~

> To
>try when your arms are too weary,/To reach the unreachable star!"
>

Crow: Oh no! It's a Voyager crossover now!

>"This is my quest, to follow that star,/

Mike: o/~ And hope I'm not arrested for being a stalker o/~
Tom: Arrrgh! Do we really need to hear the second verse?!?

> No matter how hopeless, no
>matter how far,/

Crow: No matter how stupid the plot thickens!

> To fight for the right without question or pause,/

Mike: But don't you need at least some questions to be at least
accountable?
Crow: That's a question, Mike! No questions!

> To
>be willing to march into Hell for a heavenly cause!/

Tom: I didn't know God had his own infiltrators!

> And I know, if
>I'll only be true,/To this glorious quest that my heart will lie
>peaceful and calm/When I'm laid to my rest."
>

Crow: Mainly, 'cuz it won't be beating anymore.
Mike: [dull] La, la, la... can we get on with it already?

>"And the world will be better for this;/

Tom: Yes! It'd be better for the song ending!

> That one man, scorned and
>covered with scars,/

Mike: Seal?

> Still strove with his last ounce of courage,/

Crow: o/~ Whadda they got that I ain't got? o/~

> To
>reach the unreachable stars!"
>

Tom: Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, you've been warned.

>When he was done singing, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Mike: Thanks to the suppression of the WTO rioters outside the
housing project.

> Even
>the normally impassionate Jane was crying a bit.

Crow: [Nathan] Now I'll sing the Time Warp! o/~ It's just a
jump to the left, and then a step to the riiiiiiiiight! o/~

> The silence was
>broken when Alicia came in, clapping.
>

Mike: She was trying to get the lights on.
Tom: [Alicia] Stupid... *clap* frickin'... *clap* lights!

>"Now you know why my husband got such good reviews," she said.

Crow: The newspaper critics are too kind?

> "Hello,
>David. Are these two ladies friends of yours?"
>

Tom: [David] Yeah, isn't it neat?

>"The lady with brown hair is Daria Morgendorffer," David said, "while
>the one with black hair is Jane Lane."
>

Mike: [David] I'd point to them, but I'm still overcome with
emotion.
Crow: Guerin-ism #596: The hair, the hair, the hair!

>Daria and Jane both said, "Hi!"
>

Tom: Normally, it would actually be "Hello! How are you?
We are so glad to meet you, Alicia Armistead. I am
Daria Morgendorffer, and this is my friend Jane Lane,
along with David MacAllister, and Pastor Nathan
Armistead."

>"Nice to meet you, ladies. I'm Alicia Armistead, David's Special
>Education resource teacher."
>

Mike: For those who slept through the scene, here's our recap.

>"As you can see," Nathan said, "we don't exactly live in the lap of
>luxury here in the DuBois Complex.

Crow: The *Benson* DuBois Complex.
Tom: [Nathan] Odo and Neelix share an apartment just down the hall.

> Between our salaries, this is the
>best we can afford.

Tom: [Nathan] Still, we have good unions. Odd that.

> But we live pretty comfortably for what we make.

Mike: [Nathan] Want to see the closet, I mean kitchen?

>Besides, the good Lord looks after all his children, even us."
>

Crow: When he's not breaking spears, that is. Or tossing
flaming chariots around.

>"What I don't understand," Alicia said, "is that Special Education
>teachers like me have much more difficult jobs than the regular
>teachers, but we don't get any more money for our efforts.

Mike: Oh, must we talk politics all fanfic?
Crow: Less taxes! More spending! Elect me! All this and more
on "Tummy of the 'Richard'"!

> Of course,
>now with everyone cutting back on social services, our jobs are being
>made more difficult.

Tom: Daria's good friend, President Gore, is cutting social
services? That bastard!

> David is one of the lucky ones.

Mike: Oh, he's Teela Brown.

> There are quite a
>few more like him who unfortunately fall through the cracks.

Crow: [Alicia] They should really fix that floor.

> And I
>don't even have to tell you the horror stories of abuse and neglect
>that goes on in some other districts around the country."
>

Tom: I must say, Pete hid it well.
Mike: What's that?
Tom: The big red "MESSAGE" stamp across this section.

>"Now you know why I must run for Student Government President," David
>said.

Crow: [David] I want a crack at that pot of soft money before
McCain-Feingold dries it all up.

> "Maybe I won't win this election, but if I can only open the
>door a crack, others who will follow me will kick that door down, and
>others will follow them.

Mike: Yeah, SWAT teams.

> Maybe I won't see any results in my lifetime,
>but if the next generation reaps the fruits of my labors, then it will
>have been worth it."
>

Mike: [David] So, when am I getting elected?

>"Would all of you like some tea?," Alicia said.
>

Tom: It'll help wash down the corny foreshadowing.

>"David and I will have our usual Earl Grey, light on the cream, light
>on the sugar," Nathan said.
>

Crow: And suddenly, Captain Picard possesses everyone in the scene!

>Daria and Jane gave each other puzzled looks.
>

Mike: [Jane] I thought it was "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot"?
Crow: I'm still wondering where they hid the replicator.

>"I don't even have tea for breakfast!," Jane whispered to Daria.
>

Tom: [Jane] I have whiskey! And a carton of menthols!

>"Just play along with the game," Daria said; "at least we didn't have
>to wear formal wear to this place."

Tom: [Jane] Good thing, too - my Givenchy gown is at the dry
cleaners.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>After having their tea, everyone was having a good conversation.

Mike: Suddenly, Guerin's become that "Creeping Terror" narrator.
Crow: [Guerin] It was a very interesting conversation.

> Daria
>then asked Alicia about how David was doing.
>

Crow: Well, why ask her? He's sitting right there next to her.
Tom: She needs independent confirmation.

>"He's making a lot of progress," Alicia said.

Crow: [Alicia] He's up to K and he only tears his cubicle apart
twice a week now!

> "If you look at his
>overall academic record, he's made some astonishing achievements. I do
>know some of his past history.

Tom: Or at least what hasn't been sealed by the courts.
Crow: [Alicia] I snuck into the files last week at school!
Wanna read?

> When he was first enrolled in
>kindergarten, the school psychiatrist thought that he was either
>autistic or retarded.

Mike: [Alicia] But he was just misunderstood!
Bots: Awwwwwww...

> In fact, he did spend some time in a special
>school for retarded children for most of his elementary school years,
>until they made the right diagnosis.

Crow: That he was just boring.

> Did you know that ADD is one of
>the most difficult behavioral disorders to properly diagnose?"
>

Mike: I bet she didn't.
Tom: Two years later, and what a difference it made! Now they
can't stop diagnosing it! Got a scratchy chin? ADD. Neck
too sore? ADD. Feel like French kissing someone? ADD.

>"I didn't know that," Daria said.
>

Mike: I called it.
Tom: Yeah yeah, Jose Feliciano saw that one coming, Mike.

>"Of course, it didn't help matters when he was transferred to Sayville
>School District," Alicia said.

Mike: [Alicia] They were so busy singing about Christmas over there...

> "They grossly underfund their Special
>Education program there, and the system is rife with abuse and
>neglect.

Tom: So they were treated like the non-special ed kids then?
Crow: Boy, "rife" sure gets a bad rap.
Mike: Yeah, it seems like the only time you hear it is when
it's something bad happening, like "the system was
rife with abuse and neglect".
Crow: "Fraught" is the same way.

> David was unfortunate in that he didn't get the type of
>teachers that would be sympathetic to him.

Tom: To sum up, tough love sucks.

> Only when he arrived here
>did he get a chance to get the help that he really deserves."
>

Tom: If things are really so fine and dandy then WHY IS DAVID
COMPLAINING? *huff huff pant*

>"Why do some districts do things like that and get away with it?,"
>Jane said.
>

Crow: Yes, illuminate us, Socrates.

>"It's because they don't understand people like David," Nathan said.

Mike: [Nathan] He's really misunderstood! Honest! He just French
kisses people at random, but hey...

>"As a minister, I preach that God loves all of us, no matter what we
>are.

Tom: Mike, does He love Robots too?
Mike: I would imagine so, yes.
Bots: Phew!

> As the old hymn goes, Jesus takes us just as we are.

Crow: Yet He STILL does not want fries with that?

> But it is
>humans who make all the suffering.

Tom: Yeah, I thought so!
Crow: Once again, *Mike*, humans are bad!
Mike: Yep, we're one hypocritical bunch, us humans. Pretzel?

> When trouble breaks out in school,
>and a Special Education student is involved, their punishment is
>usually more severe than if it was done by a so-called 'normal'
>student.

Tom: Much like in that scene there... from... a few years back.

> Are people so afraid of others who act differently, who have
>problems adjusting to everyday situations that most of us can cope
>with?"
>

Crow: Yep. Folks generally fear the unknown.
Tom: Nathan needs to get out more.

>"Someday," Daria said, "maybe we will have a society that won't judge
>David and others like him as harshly as they do now.

Mike: [Daria] And maybe we'll have a society where it's okay to
wear suspenders again!

> But, then again,
>the cynic in me doubts that."
>

Mike: [Daria] Yet the sugar-frosted side in me says otherwise!

>"If everyone who participated at the march in Selma, Alabama had that
>attitude,"

Tom: [Nathan] We wouldn't be using this comparison right now!
Crow: *sigh* Another comparison? Look, just compare David to
Nelson Mandela next and get it over with!

> Nathan said, "people like me would still have to sit in the
>back of the bus and be denied the right to vote."
>

Tom: Well sure, if you ignore the efforts of the hundreds of
thousands of others who fought for equality.

>"Touché!," Jane said to Daria.
>

Crow: Gesundheit!

>"OK, I'll concede that," Daria said.
>
>"The fight for rights by Special Education students is no different
>than the fight African-Americans had to wage for their rights in the
>1960's," Nathan said.

[All groan.]
Mike: Well, if you take your brain out to play with while you
read this, then yeah, I guess it is.
Crow: Okay, they've compared David's plight with that of Moses,
the Jews, the African-Americans. Now all we need is to
compare it to the problems in the Balkans, and we'll be
set!

> "The only thing is, we're still fighting
>misconceptions that go back to the Middle Ages about the mentally,
>emotionally and behaviorally challenged.

Tom: Behaviorally challenged?
Crow: Yeah, you know. Like Harris and Klebold.

> It's not going to be easy
>debunking those misconceptions.

Mike: [Nathan] So we're bringing in CSICOP.

> You saw that firsthand yesterday,
>Daria."
>

Crow: [Daria] Yesterday? I've been having it for years now!

>"Yes, and I still have the bruises for my troubles," Daria said.
>

Tom: [Daria] But the others have more bruises, so it's okay!

>"If we can bring some fundamental changes in the system," Alicia said,

Mike: [Alicia] We could make all SORTS of stupid rules! Tee hee!

>"future generations who have David's problems won't have to put up
>with the type of abuse he's been going through."
>

Crow: Sheesh, they're as preachy as the crew on Voyager!
Mike: Well, one of the persons here is a minister.
Crow: Shut up, Mike.

>"And the first step will be to win the election on Monday," David
>said.
>

Mike: Baby-step to the election, baby-step to the election...

>Jane looked at her watch.
>

Tom: [Jane] Must... hypnotize... myself... to... avoid...
sappy... inspirational... speeches...

>"OOPS!," she said, "I'd better be on the run!

Mike: The cops are arriving? That's odd...

> My mother was going to
>need my assistance in tracing some stray hot spots in her kiln!"
>

Crow: [David] You *always* say that!
Mike: [Jane] Do I? Heh. Then, uh, I gotta go see a horse - about
a dog.

>"I thought she got rid of all of them," Daria said.
>

Tom: [Jane] Yeah... well... bye now!

>"I thought she did myself," Jane said. She got up and left.
>
>"We'd better be going ourselves," David said. "I was going to go to my
>place.

Mike: [David] Or maybe to Sydney. I've heard their Opera Hall
is quite spectacular.

> Want to go with me?"
>
>"Sure," Daria said. She turned to the Armisteads and said, "It was
>nice meeting the both of you."
>

Crow: [Daria] As nice as hearing Quinn go on about the new
shipment at Cashman's.

>"Same here," said Nathan.
>
>They all shook hands, then Daria and David left.
>
>"Daria and Jane are pretty nice people," Nathan said; "I wish they
>weren't so negative about matters."
>

Tom: Hey, if they weren't there wouldn't be a series here.

>"Give them time," Alicia said. "Time has a way of softening all
>opinions."

Mike: In that case, Strom Thurmond ought to be all mushy and
gelatinous by now.
Crow: I thought he was.
Mike: Eeew!

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Daria and David went inside David's house. His parents weren't home.

Tom: [Church lady] How convennnnnnient!

>David grabbed some soda to drink and gave one can to Daria.

Mike: Daria produced a baby tooth and dropped it into the drink
to watch it dissolve.

> They drank
>it and then went to David's room.

Tom: Every agenda item detailed, carefully and with great cunning.

> They were going to discuss some
>last-minute strategy but Daria had something else on her mind as well.
>

Crow: She got her mind on her money and her money on her mind!

>"Where are your parents, anyway?," Daria asked him.
>

Crow: [David] Oh, they're at a party at Jack Carter's Place.

>"They usually go out for a drive on Saturdays," David said; "they'll
>be gone most of the day."
>

Mike: [David] They used to take me with them, but I kept finding
my way back.

>Daria figured that this would be the best time to get this off her
>chest.
>

Tom: So she ripped off her bra! Boy, it was giving her
*such* a rash!

>"David," she began, "I guess you realize now that I love you.

Crow: [sighs] Gee, the heroine falls in love with the previously
unknown character. I've never seen that one before.

> I admit
>that I have feelings for Trent, but so far he hasn't reciprocated my
>feelings for him. I know you haven't had any luck with women,

Mike: [David] Hey! Did Annabelle tell you that too?
Tom: [Daria] You did.
Mike: Oh.

> so I
>wanted to give you a chance at something every teenage guy like you
>wants."
>

Mike: [Daria] So here's a CD full of bikini shots of Jeri Ryan
and Alyson Hannigan. And a Playstation 2.
Crow: What is "Things never heard in real life," Alex?

>"What do you mean by that?," David asked.
>
>"David," Daria continued, "I'm saying that we should move our
>relationship to the next level and . . ."
>

Mike: Start dating?

>"And what?," David inquired.
>

Tom: Fight the Orcs?
Crow: Search for the seventh jewel?
Tom: Continue on to the Drazhi space station?
Crow: Storm the terrorists' jungle base?
Mike: Uh, guys?

>"And. . .and. . ."

Tom: What, Mike?
Mike: I don't like the way this is heading.
Crow: Our patter?
Mike: No, the story itself.

> Daria was a bit nervous; she was the type who
>usually didn't throw herself at the feet of a guy,

Tom: Especially one with corns. [to Mike] Look, we *all*
hate this story, Nelson.
Mike: I know, but - I've got the feeling we're heading into
rough waters.

> but David was an
>exception; despite his problems, he was really a sweet guy.
>

Tom: Yeah, both of them get really mad and beat up people for
no reason, so they have a lot in common.
Crow: You mean -
Mike: Yes.

>Finally, she found the courage to say,

Crow: [Daria] Whew! I said it! Well, I'm going home now! See
you Monday! [Normal] C'mon, Mike - Pete's taken us to some
pretty bad places, but there's no way he'd ever do anything...

> "and have sex."
>

Crow: ...explicit?
[pause]
Tom: Well, that's it then - we're doomed.
Crow: Yeah, thanks a lot, Mike!
Mike: Hey! I didn't...
Tom: No, it's too late for that now, Nelson! Just accept
responsibility and move on!

>"Are you serious?," David said. "You don't look like the type who
>would throw herself at a guy like that.

Tom: [Guerin] I said that already.
Crow: [David] Oh, sorry.

> This isn't some peer pressure
>thing, is it?"
>

Crow: *She* *wants* *to* *have* *sex* *with* *you*!
Mike: [Daria] No, so ignore all those kids outside the window
yelling "GO DARIA GO!"

>"David," Daria said, "I do not succumb to peer pressure.

Tom: [Daria] Tom Jones music and "Titanic" though...

> Besides, I'm
>old enough to know what I'm getting into.

Mike: Yes, at 17, you finally know everything.

> David, I love you, and you
>love me.

Tom: It all makes sense now! Barney is behind this!

> If we care for each other, and if you're ready for this, then
>let's go for it."
>

Crow: His persistence pays off and the female finally allows
him to mate.
Tom: Forget what their parents think, I'm sure they won't
have any problems.
Mike: Well, if they weren't so hard on Daria for her thug-hiring
techniques, I guess a little sex is okay too.

>"Thank goodness they handed out these condoms at school then," David
>said.
>

Crow: No discussion, no hesitation - just hormones ahoy!
Mike: Remember kids, love means always having sex.
Tom: See? I told you those free condoms would cause problems.
Mike: Tom? This isn't the time or place.

>"Enough talk, David," Daria said.

Tom: [Daria] More unnecessarily-detailed narration!

> She took off her glasses and then
>removed David's and began to French kiss for a few minutes.

Crow: At least, they *thought* they were doing that, what with
their glasses off.

> David had
>an erection, and Daria felt it.
>

Tom: Oh, how nice.
Crow: Well, so much for lunch. Forever.

>"Is that normal?," David asked.
>
>"Yes, it is," Daria said. "Didn't they tell you that in health class?"
>

[Silence]
Crow: Daria's health class seems to be rather comprehensive.
Mike: Heck, my health class just consisted of Mr. McConighey
telling us "Don't."

>"I haven't taken it yet," confessed an embarrassed David.
>

Mike: In that case, David hasn't learned about sex yet.
Tom: Then why are they doing it?
Mike: It only matters that Daria knows, apparently.

>They began to kiss again. David stuck his hand in the back of Daria's
>shirt and rubbed her back. She did the same to him.

Tom: This is the oddest physical therapy technique I've ever seen.

> Then they began to
>take off their clothes. They started with their shoes and socks, then
>they stripped down to their underwear.

Crow: So they're having itemized foreplay?

> David was wearing an undershirt
>and briefs while Daria was wearing a bra and panties.

Tom: Good. Because, y'know, if it was the other way around, then
it'd be a whole different kind of story.

> They laid down
>on his bed and French kissed some more. David then found the courage
>to undo Daria's bra and removed it.

Crow: Looks like you're getting payback for your "rip off the
bra" remark, Tom.
Tom: Yeah, well, you know what they say - instant karma's gonna
getcha.

> When he saw her breasts, he asked,
>"Gee, I didn't know you were small-breasted."
>

[All laugh.]
Mike: Now, on Whose Line, the World's Worst Thing to Say While In
the Middle of Foreplay.

>"Well, I don't have much in the way of hips, either," Daria said. She
>yanked off his shirt, then he yanked off her panties, followed by
>Daria removing his briefs.

Tom: [nervous] Heh heh heh. There *will* be an end to this
before we get too much further, right guys?
[Silence]
Tom: I said, there *will* be an end to this before we get too
much further, right guys?
[More silence]
Tom: C'mon guys, work with me here!
Crow: I'm afraid to guess, Tom.
Mike: Yeah, there's this sick sense of expectancy in the air.

> David was amazed at his erection.
>

Mike: [David] That's *it*?!?
Crow: If he starts singing "You Are So Beautiful"...

>"Am I going to hurt you with this?," he asked.
>

Tom: Hey, this is a Daria fic. Shouldn't there be theme
music playing in the background? I can just hear
"Like a Virgin" playing in the background now!
Mike: Tom? That's not helping.

>"Not if you penetrate slowly," Daria said.
>

Crow: Muh-muh-muh-mike! Make him stop!
Mike: [grim] I wish I could, Crow. It's out of my hands.
Bots: EWWWWWW!
Mike: Uh, so to speak.

>David grabbed the condoms he got from school, which he had put in the
>top drawer of his dresser. He put one on.

Mike: [Daria] David? That doesn't go on your head.

> He then got on top of Daria
>and French kissed her again.

Tom: [Daria] Ow! Standing on my stomach doesn't help! Get off!

> He then positioned himself for
>penetration. He tried to introduce himself slowly so that not too much
>pain and bleeding would result.
>

[All sob and weep.]
Tom: Oh dear sweet baby Torgo! This is just wrong!
Crow: And on so many levels!
Mike: And it's not even provocative - it's about as sexy as a
user's manual from an 84 Ford LTD!!!

>"Is it in?," he asked.
>
>"You're not trying hard enough," Daria said.
>

Mike: This is like having sex with Siskel and Ebert.
Tom: That riff is wrong for so many reasons, Mike.

>He tried again. He heard a soft snap,

Tom: Oh, that's just our belief in justice in the universe. Pay it
no heed.

> then he easily entered Daria.
>They kissed while he thrust in and out of her.

Crow: Like a perpetual motion machine made by Larry Flynt.

> He could see Daria's
>breasts bounce up and down as she moaned softly, leaning her head back
>and moaning.

Tom: AAAGH!!! I may begin moaning myself in a moment!

> He then fondled her breasts, then began to lick and suck
>on them.
>

Mike: I think the operative word here is "suck"!
Tom: This is that damn three-fold law catching up with us,
isn't it?

>"Yeah, that's it, David," Daria said. "This feels so good!"
>

Crow: [Daria] Faster Trent, I mean Beavis, I mean David!

>David continued to thrust inside her. Finally, after a while, he
>ejaculated and withdrew. He collapsed next to her.
>

Mike: And instantly fell asleep.
Crow: Get used to that, Daria. It'll be happening for the
rest of your life.

>"Well, what do you think?," David said.
>

Crow: [Daria] When are you going to start?

>"You were wonderful," Daria said.
>

Tom: [Daria, monotone] Yes. You were the best. I've
never experienced such rapture.

>"You're not just saying that, are you?," David asked.
>

Tom: [Daria, monotone] Of course not. You were the greatest.
Let me call the press so other women can experience
the genetic sledgehammer that is David MacAllister.

>"You should know by now that I don't say things just to say them,"
>Daria answered.
>

Mike: [Daria] I generally use this thing called a "script". Boy, I
sure wish I had one right now.

>After he rested, David then dove down into Daria's crotch and ate her
>out.

All: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

> He then placed his penis in Daria's cleavage and rubbed it up and
>down until he ejaculated in her face.

Mike: [hyperventilating] You - you guys are - are - are too young
for thththis!
Tom: [hiding under the seats] Strom Thurmond's too young for this!

> Daria then rolled him onto the
>bed and went down on him.

Crow: Ah-huh-huh-huh! Please! No more!
Mike: We surrender! Just - just stop using crappy exploitative
cartoon sex as a weapon!

> David was amazed at how deep she could take
>him in.

Tom: [still under seat] Hahahaha, look at that - all love, joy and
goodness in the universe just died! How quaint!

> After that, they did it "doggie-style", then David fondled,
>licked, sucked and even bit on Daria's breasts.

Crow: [banging his head against Mike's shoulder] Oh, how I long
for the sweet release of death!

> He finished off by
>masturbating and ejaculating on her nipples.

Mike: Steady - steady on, fellas - it can't last much longer!

> They then fell exhausted
>into each other's arms.
>

[All heave a huge sigh of relief.]
Mike: Unfortunately, his parents had been back for several hours.
Tom: [emerging] Is it - is it over?
Crow: I, I, I think so.
Mike: *phew!* You guys all right?
Tom: Well, except for needing years and years of intense
Adlerian therapy, I think I'm okay.
Crow: Yeah, and the knowledge that I'll never again know true
love and happiness doesn't seem to have affected me more
than usual.
Mike: Well, one thing's certain - whatever else this story has
in store for us it *can't* be w-
Bots: NO!!!!
Mike: What?
Tom: You'll jinx it, Nelson!

>They slept for an hour. When they awoke they showered and got dressed.
>

Tom: Where's Senator Lieberman when you need him?

>"David, you were wonderful," Daria said.
>
>"Let's keep this between us," David said. "No one has to know."
>

Mike: Lord, no one else would *want* to know!
Crow: Hey, we've got blackmail material!

>"Good idea," Daria said. "We don't need the rumor mill going on this."
>

Mike: Yeah, the London tabloids will have a field day.

>They then discussed last-minute campaign strategy for a while before
>Daria left for her house. Neither of them was going to forget this for
>some time.

Crow: Who can ever forget an intense discussion of last-minute
campaign strategy?
Mike: Why, they'll treasure the memories for whole hours!
Tom: That reminds me, Mike, would you flip our reset buttons?
Mike: Remember what happened the last time I did that?
Crow: Good point. I don't want to think I'm Andy Dick again.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>While all that was going on, at the Taylor residence, Brittany's
>obnoxious kid brother, Zed, who was also an Internet surfer,

Crow: Not to mention being a bald, toothless Cockney anarchist.

> was
>scoping the Fashion Club's chat room for some dirt.

Mike: His cunning alias "NoOne" allowed him to flit from chat
room to chat room unnoticed.

> Brittany came in.
>Despite his obnoxiousness, Brittany liked Zed; after all,

Tom: He's the last letter of the Canadian alphabet!

> he had his
>uses, like when he terrorized the lab mouse Kevin and Daria were using
>as part of a science class project when Brittany thought Daria and
>Quinn were trying to steal Kevin away from her.
>

Crow: You know! The episode! With the boyfriend! And the stealing!
And the lab mouse!
Tom: Narf?

>"Zed, what's up?," Brittany asked Zed.
>

Mike: [Zed] It's WASSAAAAAABI now, Brittany. Get with 1998!

>"Man, you should check out the Fashion Club chat room," Zed said.

Mike: [Brittany] Don't tell me... cybersex?
Crow: [Zed] Uh, yeah... but you'll never guess who!

>"They're all bickering about kicking out Quinn Morgendorffer and Sandi
>Del Monaco's campaign for Student Government President."
>

Tom: [Zed] They also keep talking about some guy named BJ on
the football team.
Mike: Sheesh, with this in-fighting, I wonder if the Fashion
Club's support has dropped to single digits.

>"Oh, my!," Brittany gushed; "Next thing you'd know, they'd be accusing
>Sandi's opponent, David MacAllister, of sleeping with his campaign
>manager, Daria Morgendorffer!"
>

Mike: Oh, bitter irony.
Crow: In the middle of the DAY too!

>"Guess what?," Zed said, "they have. Of course, that doesn't mean that
>the allegations are true."
>

[All cough, as if nervous.]
Mike: [Zed] But I went ahead and called the Lawndale Tattler
anyways.

>"Well, Zed, you should never believe anything they say on the
>Internet," Brittany said; "most of it isn't true!"
>

Tom: Even the scores on nfl.com? I knew the Baltimore Ravens
didn't win that easily!

>"By the way," Zed said, "I think Upchuck put some secret cameras in
>the girls' locker room."
>
>"What do you mean?," Brittany said.
>

Crow: [Zed] I mean I think the stock market should recover some
of its losses in the upcoming quarter. Why, what'd *you*
think I meant?

>"He's got a Web site up called 'Lawndale High Cheerleaders Nude.'

Tom: Hey, I'm sure that the Feds don't mind that blatant bit
of kiddie porn. Nope. They don't mind that at all.

> And
>apparently he's got some choice photos of you in the altogether!"
>

Mike: [Zed] So, how's it like when you're in your birthday suit?
Crow: [Brittany] Oh, like, shut up!

>"WHAT!," Brittany shrieked. "Did you get printouts of this?"
>

Tom: [Zed] Yeah, I pasted them all over Pizza King. There
a problem with that?

>"Yes, I did!," Zed said, handing them to her.
>

Tom: You know, he was *remarkably* casual about admitting
that...
Crow: And in addition to everything else, we have voyeurism
and just a touch of a brother-sister thing here. Mike,
if we ever get the chance to actually meet Pete in
person, grab us by our arms, functioning or otherwise,
and run like heck.
Mike: Way ahead of ya.

>"OOOOOOOOOO!," Brittany said, "Upchuck is going to be dead meat on
>Monday!

Crow: Fried chicken on Tuesday, and tuna sandwich on Wednesday!

> Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Zed."
>

Tom: [Brittany] It's always better to learn about this sort of
thing from family!

>"Sure," Zed said. "So, what do you think the election will turn out?"
>

Crow: More boring descriptions of the process and pointless violence?
Tom: [Brittany] Just as long as there are no chads, I'm happy.

>"Who knows?," replied Brittany. "I've got to go now." She left. Zed
>continued to monitor the Fashion Club chat room when a hacker calling
>himself CR3 entered. This is what was on the screen:
>

Mike: Yeah, he hacked his way into a *chat room*!
Crow: Obviously a quite ruthless and dangerous cybercriminal.

>CR3: Ladies, I can be of some service to you in defaming David
>MacAllister.
>

Tom: [CR3] I'll write a letter to the editor of the Lawndale
Times!

>SandiNo1: What do you mean by that?
>

Crow: Please. This isn't a real chat room! Where's the
40 year old guys pretending to be 16 year old boys
picking up 13 year old boys pretending to be 19
year old Swedish Stewardesses? Where're the
louts shouting unending profanities? Where're
the losers making sexual comments about everything?

>CR3: I have in my possession photos I took with a secret camera I put
>in his room when I paid a visit to him one day. It has him and Daria
>Morgendorffer making love, love, love! ;-)
>

Crow: Oh. My mistake. It is a real chat room.
Tom: And by "love", in this case, he means "twisted, demented
acts of carnal indecency".

>SandiNo1: Upchuck, is that you?
>

Tom: No, it's Christina Ricci no. 3! Who do you think?
Crow: Sandi no one? Ouch, that's a little mean!

>CR3: Guilty as charged! ROWR! ;-)
>

Mike: Good grief! How many secret cameras has this guy planted?
Tom: Well, maybe he thought someone who'd try swapping tongues
with a girl he'd just met was worth keeping an eye on.

>SandiNo1: If you're being on the level, come to my place right now and
>give them to me!

Crow: [Upchuck] But wait, I'm on an inclined plane!

> This is the chance I've been waiting for to ruin him!
>

Mike: Or it may turn out to be yet ANOTHER backfire. Either way,
Sandi's desperate.

>CR3: Of course, there will be a small fee, let's say $20?
>

Tom: $20? Larry Flynt will pay $5,000.

>SandiNo1: Make it $10.
>

Mike: Does everybody in this town need a bribe to do something?

>CR3: $15, and that's my final offer! ;-)
>

Tom: [Upchuck] Hey, what does |-tthhhpt! mean?

>SandiNo1: Deal!
>

Mike: There's a poker option in the chat room?

>Zed was aghast from what he just read. He decided that only one person
>could stop them.

Mike: Sadly, that person was Robert Downey Jr.

> One person who was now an ex-member of the Fashion
>Club and related to Daria.

Tom: Jake?
Crow: Oh, it *is* Robert Downey Jr.
Tom & Mike: Huh?

> That was Quinn.

Mike: Why? Uh... we'll get to that AFTER the fanfic! Just READ!

> Zed got off line, then
>dashed for the Morgendorffer house.

Mike: [Zed] Maybe they've got a gerbil I can hook up to Dad's
car battery!
Crow: How about calling?

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Zed ran as fast as he could to the Morgendorffer house. He rang the
>doorbell. Daria answered it.
>
>"Is Quinn here?," Zed asked.
>

Mike: [Daria] Boy, Quinn's dates are getting younger all the time.

>"Yes, she is," Daria replied. "Can I ask who it is?"
>

Crow: Well, you can if want to. I mean, we all have free will and
all that.

>"I'm Zed Taylor," he answered. "I'm Brittany Taylor's kid brother."
>

Tom: [Zed] And no, I was not on Home Improvement.

>"So, you're the one who terrorized that white lab mouse that Kevin
>Thompson and I were using for a science project for Ms. Barch's class,
>aren't you?," Daria asked.
>

Mike: *sigh*
Tom: YES!!! YES!!! JUST! LIKE! YOU! ALREADY! TOLD! US! WE'RE NOT
FREAKING DEAF OR MORONS!!!
Crow: Guerin-ism #842: Consult the Daria episode guide for more
details.

>"Well, er, um," Zed hesitated.
>
>"Let me just say that anything that you saw can and will be used
>against you," Daria replied.
>

Mike: [Daria] Your honor, I like to quote Zed Taylor's words
exactly, if I may... "Well, er, um,"...
[The 'bots gasp.]
Tom: Guilty!

>"Who are you, anyway?," Zed asked.
>

Tom: [Daria] They call me Mrs. Misery Chick!

>"I'm Daria, Quinn's sister," she answered; "though she tells everyone
>at school that I'm her cousin."
>

Mike: Though probably not anymore...

>"Then I've got to speak to you and David MacAllister as well," Zed
>said.
>
>"Gee, this is going to be very interesting," Daria said as she let Zed
>in.

Crow: But it wasn't. And they all expired of boredom. The end.
Tom: Was that a sarcastic remark?
Mike: Frankly, I don't care anymore.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>After Daria got Quinn downstairs and called David over, Zed told them
>about how Upchuck planted a camera in David's room and taped their
>lovemaking. David was furious.
>

Crow: While Quinn was curious, and Daria was dubious, while Sandi
was frivolous.
Mike: [David] Dammit, I was going to release that myself! This
will cost me thousands!

>"How could he?," David yelled. "With that, Sandi can ruin me!"
>

Tom: Because high school students are appalled at people
having sex.

>"There's only one solution to this," Zed said.
>

Crow: [Zed] But first there's the matter of my finder's
fee...

>"And that's what?," Daria asked.
>

Tom: [Daria] A counter-smear campaign!
Mike: [David] Yes! It just might work! Find out all you can
about that Marty Lewinski guy she's been dating!

>"We've got to infect Upchuck's Web site with a virus!," Zed said.
>

Crow: [Quinn] Ooh! I know someone who has a cold! Can they help?

>"Zed," Daria said, "didn't they tell you that two wrongs don't make a
>right."
>

Tom: No, but two rights make a left. *Bdum-dum*
Mike: This from someone who beat up several people for no real
good reason.

>"It's either that or David gets buried at the election!," Zed said.
>

Tom: Instead of in the backyard after Jake finds out.
Mike: Just one video recording?
Crow: If anything, that recording will make David's landslide
that much bigger.

>"OK, OK, go up to my room, and there's a computer there you can use,"
>Daria replied.

Mike: Situational ethics.
Crow: Yep.
Tom: No big surprise. Next!

> They went up to her room and got on-line. Zed took out
>his virus disk

Tom: Why, everyone should carry a virus disk at all times!
Where's yours, Mike?
Mike: Well, uh... [slaps pockets] I must have left it in my
red jumpsuit.

> and e-mailed the virus to Upchuck's Web site.
>

Mike: Using Daria's e-mail address? Hmmm...
Crow: [spluttering] Tha hell?!? You can't *e-mail* a virus
to a website! That's like kicking a bullet!

>"Now, we'll just sit back and watch the fireworks," Zed said.
>
>"Daria," Quinn said, "if they find out about this, we're all going to
>be in hot water!"
>

Tom: Thanks to our BRAND NEW SPA!!!
Crow: I wonder if Upchuck's cameras are gonna be THERE too.

>"Not as much as Upchuck will be for posting nude pictures of Brittany
>on his site!," Zed shot back.
>
>"The old Phyrric victory scheme! I should have guessed!," Daria
>muttered to herself.

Mike: [Daria] I still like my idea of hiring goons better.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Upchuck was at Sandi's place. She had turned on her computer and
>gotten on-line.
>
>"For obvious reasons," Upchuck said, "I won't hand over this floppy
>disk with the original pictures until I see the money."
>

Tom: [Sandi] Fine! Look, I'm holding $15! Now gimme the disk!

>Sandi gave the money over to him.
>
>"Now, let me see the pictures," Sandi said.
>

Mike: Wow, who knew the investigation of the Zapruder Film
would wind up *here*?
Crow: [Upchuck] Oh, wait, are you over 18 years of age? I
have to check, you know.

>Upchuck loaded the disk and then called up his Web site.
>
>"I just want to see if the old Web site is doing OK," Upchuck said. He
>saw the site load up. But then, it began to break up and distort.
>

Tom: Welcome to SciFi.com!
Crow: I can't hold her! She's breaking up, she's breaking up!

>"What the. . ." Upchuck said to himself.
>
>"Upchuck, what's going on?," Sandi said.
>

Mike: Refresh THIS, Upchuck!

>The virus that Zed sent was doing its work. The Web site was
>eradicated. An error message appeared on the screen.

Crow: Story has performed an illegal plot contrivance and
will shut down.

> Upchuck then
>tried to call the pictures up from the screen, but then the virus
>executed a deletion program on the entire disk, erasing everything.
>

Mike: Quite a robust little computer virus from a grade-schooler,
ain't it?
Crow: Finally! I found a moral in this story!
Mike: What?
Crow: Always backup your files!
Mike: Well, it's only in one scene, but that's good enough.

>"It's gone! It's all gone!," Upchuck said.
>

Tom: [Upchuck] My wonderful, beautiful porn! All gone! NOOOOOOOOO!

>Suddenly, the computer hard drive crashed, and sparks shot out of the
>back along with smoke. The computer was in ruins.
>

Tom: Now at least we know where Jeff Goldblum got that ID4
program from.

>Sandi got furious and said, "Upchuck, if this is your idea of a
>practical joke, I'm not amused."

Mike: [Sandi] You should, like, stick to fake dog poo, and hand
buzzers and stuff!

> She took her money back and beat the
>tar out of him,

Tom: The money's really in heating oil these days, Sandi.
Crow: Once again, the author falls back on people beating each
other up.

> then kicked him out of the house.
>

Mike: That was a little uncalled for.
Crow: What is it with cute girls beating up boys in this fic?
I mean, I'm not complaining, but...

>"You'd better not come back here ever again!," warned Sandi. "If I see
>you here ever again, you're history!"
>

Tom: [Upchuck] So long as I'm the Marquis De Sade, RROWR!

>Upchuck ran for his life down the street.

Mike: For his life? Are Sandi's goons in this again?

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>News of the pictures and the subsequent virus infection spread
>throughout Lawndale High School on Monday like wildfire.

Mike: Or, pardon the irony, like a virus!

> Everyone
>tried to see the site but then their computers were infected.

Crow: Apparently no one decided to warn anybody about the virus.
Tom: See, this is why computing monocultures are bad news.
Crow: It's a *fanfic* virus, Tom. Macs, Linux -
Mike: -Some guy's old Amiga -
Crow: -It doesn't make any difference!

> Every
>computer store in town was going to make a killing fixing up the mess.
>

Crow: Lawndale: The Town That Never Heard of Norton Anti-Virus!

>Daria, Jane and Trent were not walking down the street as usual.

Tom: They were just skip, skip, skipping along.

> An
>FBI vehicle with armored walls and bulletproof glass

Crow: Plus a crunchy cookie roof!

> was taking them
>to school.

Tom: [Daria] I wanna arrive in this when I go to the prom!
It'll be neat!
Mike: Just a typical school day in Los Angeles.

> When they got there, they saw the National Guard deployed.

Mike: Great, now Forrest Gump's gonna show up and pick up her books.

>The FBI had also set up metal detectors as well.

Tom: No, those have been there since the last time somebody
called Andrea a goth chick.

> Today was going to be
>the election, and the Federal Department of Education had ordered that
>all Special Education students were going to be allowed to vote.

Mike: As we've already heard a billion times.
Crow: Is it just me, or does it seem absurd that the Department
of Education...
Tom: The *Federal* Department of Education.
Crow: Yes, the *Federal* Department of Education is all that
worried about a student council election? I mean, is
there some sort of mystical, wondrous power a student
council has I don't know about?!?
Mike: I dunno. My experience is that their main function is
that, other than choosing the prom theme, it's all just
a way for a bunch of kids to cut one class period a week.

> Those
>who were being mainstreamed were to vote in their social studies
>classes if they took one; those who didn't and the self-contained
>Special Education students were going to vote at fifth period.

Crow: Why can't they just vote in their homeroom? It's a lot
quicker that way!
Tom: Um, Crow? It's a Guerin fanfic... fast is bad. Slow
bureaucratic nonsense is good!

> The FBI
>vehicle pulled up to the front entrance, and let out Daria, Jane and
>David.

Mike: [Daria] Hey, where's my FBI valet parker!

> They entered the school with National Guard soldiers and FBI
>agents following them.

Crow: Tom Clancy's "Misery Six"! Now in paperback!

> Sandi was giving a last minute rally.
>
>"Is this going to be the future of our school?," Sandi said. "Retarts
>running our Student Government by bayonet rule?

Mike: We have the most powerful military in the world, and the
FBI is STILL using bayonets?
Tom: I don't see John Doggett carrying a bayonet, do you?

> Vote for me and keep
>the retarts out!"
>

Crow: Guess it's all over for Kevin and Brittany.

>"I can tell that this is going to be nasty to the bitter end," Daria
>said.
>

Tom: Truer words were never spoken.

>"When will we know the results?," David said.
>

Mike: Pending recounts and electoral colleges, six months.

>"They'll probably count the votes up tonight, then announce the winner
>at homeroom tomorrow," Daria said.
>

Tom: [David] Is that a fact or guess?
Crow: [Daria] Uh... guess.

>Jodie and Mack approached them.
>

Tom: You know, if she hadn't dropped out, we'd never have had
to read this!
Crow: Yeah! BOO! BOO!
Mike: Suddenly, they surrounded them!
Crow: You want me to quote from my Guerin-isms, don't you?

>"I just want to wish you luck," Jodie said. "Mack and I are rooting
>for you."
>
>"Good luck, man," Mack said to David.
>

Mike: [David] Thanks, Mack Daddy!
Tom: It took the entire National Guard to take Mack down.

>Suddenly, there was a commotion. Brittany and Sandi had found Upchuck
>at the same time.
>

Tom: But neither one wanted to clean it up.
Mike: They're going to kill him.
Crow: Let's not get our hopes up.

>"Upchuck! How dare you post nude pictures of me on the Internet!,"
>Brittany shrieked.
>
>"You're dead meat for ruining my computer, Upchuck!," Sandi added.

Mike: [Sandi] Oh, and vote for me, by the way!

>They both chased him, hitting him over the head with their purses.

Mike: [Python woman] Oooooh, good morning Mrs. Fashionsnob!
Crow: [Python woman] Oooooh, good morning Mrs. Non-Fashionsnob!

>Upchuck was going "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"
>

Tom: [British] No, no, like this - "Waaaah! Waaaah!"

>"Well, Upchuck's chickens have come home to roost," Daria said.
>

Crow: And soon they'll all escape before they're made into pies.
Mike: What is this story's obsession with chicken?

>"We'd better make it to homeroom," Jane pointed out.
>
>Daria and Jane parted company with David and went to their homerooms.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------

Tom: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

>The election was carried out with little problem.

Crow: Which means that something fishy is going on!

> There were some
>reports of attempts at intimidating Special Education students from
>voting, but the National Guard prevented it.

Tom: [gruff] Hey, you can't intimidate people like that! Now
get back or we'll wave our bayonets and guns around some
more!

> Mr. Steele and Mr. Smitts
>were going to supervise the counting of the ballots.

Mike: They obviously screwed up big time somewhere down the line to
get *this* assignment!
Tom: [Steele] "Show the proof about Clinton to Reno", you said!
"She'll do the right thing", you said! Why do I keep listening
to you!?!

> When school was
>over, Daria invited Jane and David over to her place for dinner.

Crow: If this turns out to be a threesome...
Mike: No, I don't think even Guerin would go there.

> They
>were having porterhouse steaks.
>

Crow: Too bad Mad Cow takes so long to take effect.

>"Man, these steaks are delicious," Jane said.
>

Tom: [Jane] The fat's numbing all my emotions!

>"Jane, I thought you were a vegetarian," Helen said.
>

Crow: If she thought that BEFORE she cooked supper, she
would've made a veggie dish!

>"No, Mrs. Morgendorffer, but my mother is.

Mike: [Jane] Just DON'T TELL HER that I ate meat! She'll freak!

> However, she doesn't mind
>cooking it for us at times. She's just a vegetarian because she has a
>rare disorder in which she can't digest meat.

Tom: Uh oh, another backstory! Any more and the flood will be
too much!

> She lacks the proper
>enzyme of something like that."
>

Crow: Well, at least it's not some icky *moral* decision or
anything.
Tom: Yeah. Dabble in that - and next thing you know, you're
president of a fashion club!

>"Oh, how sad," Helen said.
>

Crow: The preceding dialogue was brought to you by the National
Meat Digestion Enzyme Council.

>"Well, David, did some last minute campaigning?," Jake said.
>
>"Yes, I did," David said.
>

Mike: The shortest answer in this fanfic.

>"I hope you win the election," Jake continued.
>

Tom: [Jake] I remember when I wanted to run for Student
Council. But Mad Dog wanted a war hero, not a "sissy"
politician! I could have been the next JFK, dammit!

>"Thanks," David said.
>
>"David," Daria said, "if you win, how soon will you push for your
>proposed changes for the Student Government constitution?"
>

Mike: [David] Oh, that. Heh heh. I guess by the time my term
will be up. That way, I'll make a big impression for
NEXT election!

>"As soon as I can," David said.
>

Tom: [David] I'm gonna lower the voting age to 18! Oh, wait...

>"Of course," Daria continued, "you know about the process of amending
>the constitution.

Crow: And now, Daria sings Schoolhouse Rock!
Tom: o/~ I'm a President-to-be, I'm a President-to-be, and I'm
hoping that they will elect me! o/~

> The amendment must be passed by two-thirds
>majorities of the House of Homeroom Representatives and the Student
>Senate, then it has to be approved by the students themselves in a
>referendum.

Mike: Eh, maybe it'll take TWO terms to get it all done...
Crow: And this is quicker than the State imposing the law on
the school HOW?

> You've got your work cut out for you, David."
>
>"But it will be worth it when those amendments are added," David said.
>

Mike: Soon, Lawndale's official religion was that of the Jedi
Warriors.

>"We'll wait and see," Daria said.
>

Tom: [David] Is that the cynic in you speaking?

>"Dinner was great, Helen," Jake said.
>

Crow: [Jake] Thanks for cutting up my Jello!

>"If course it was great," Helen said; "I'm a great cook."
>

Mike: Do you smell what the Morgendorffers are cooking?

>"Well, I'd better be going," Jane said.
>

Tom: No dessert?

>"Same here," David said.

[All sigh with some relief.]
Crow: Good, one scene is too much, but two scenes are overkill!

> "But I'll catch up with you at study hall
>with Jane and Quinn and either celebrate my victory or commiserate in
>my loss."
>

Mike: Celebrating in the study hall? Not exactly a big party
he's planning.
Crow: [David] Either way, it'll involve a bottle of Mogen David.

>"You know, David," Daria said, "why do I feel that you're the type of
>person who likes the part of the opening sequence of 'ABC's Wide World
>of Sports' where the guy falls off the ski jump?"
>

Crow: [David] Because I like seeing a guy with his head in
the snowbank?
Mike: Why do I feel that she needs to update her references?

>"How'd you guess?," he said.
>

Tom: [Daria] Upchuck installed a secret camera in my living room.

>"Let's just call it a fellow misery chick's intuition," Daria said
>with a smile.
>

Bots: o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
Mike: Wasn't it a woman's intuition? And since when is David a chick?
Tom: No, finding out about someone's TV turn-ons is a misery
chick specialty!

>David and Jane left. Now it was just a long wait until the results
>were announced.

Mike: Ah! Lawndale's in Palm Beach County! That explains everything!
Crow: Out in California, Matt Stone and Trey Parker wait anxiously
to determine who they'll base their next series on.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The next morning, things were more or less back to normal,

Tom: Kevin said something dumb, Miss Barch performed unnecessary
circumcisions on the male students.

> but just in
>case, the police had taken over for the FBI and National Guard in case
>rioting occurred.

Mike: Back to normal, is it?
Crow: [random student] I feel like trashing a multi-national
corporation all of a sudden. You?
Tom: [random student] Me too. We'll raid a Denny's later.

> Everyone was settled down in homeroom, waiting for
>the results of the election.
>

Mike: What, you mean Jennings & Brokaw & Rather didn't have them
on the late news?

>"So, who do you think won?," Daria asked Jane.
>

Tom: [Jane] The Lakers. What, what were *you* talking about?

>"I'm hoping for David," Jane said. "After all, he's one of us in a
>sense: an outcast."
>

Crow: o/~ I'm on the outside, I'm looking in, I can see through
you... o/~

>The PA system crackled to life.

Mike: Goooood Morning Vietnam!

> It was Ms. Li:
>
>"Attention, everyone! This is your principal, Ms. Li.

Mike: [Ms. Li] Will the person who parked his or her Mercedes in
my parking space please report to my office immediately?

> I have the
>results of the special election for Student Government President here.
>But before I announce them, let me just take the time to thank the
>candidates for all their hard work and sacrifice they put into this
>campaign.

Tom: [Ms. Li] I'd also like to thank the Academy, my mother, the
sponsors that made this possible, and you, Almighty!

> Remember, it's not if you win or lose, it's learning how our
>democratic institutions work that's important!"
>

Mike: Um, I would *not* want to ask what sort of lessons the
students have learned from *this* election.
Tom: You mean learning about debates that turn into mudslinging,
meeting people who treat you like dirt, doing underhanded
things to keep your political chances alive, and smothering
your opposition?
Mike: Yeah. That.

>"Cut the crap and tell us who won, already!," Daria muttered to
>herself.
>
>"And now," Ms. Li continued, "here are the results.

Crow: [Ms. Li] David wins Grade 8, Sandi wins Grade 9, David wins
Grade 10...

> It was a very
>close race; in fact, it was the closest in the history of Lawndale
>High.

Tom: [Ms. Li] And results from the Florida homeroom are still
kind of murky...

> But I am pleased to tell you that by a vote of 1265 to 1235,
>your new Student Government President is. . ."
>

Mike: Drum roll, please!
Crow: [Ms. Li] Tommy Sherman!

>Suddenly, there was a buzzing sound that issued from the PA system,
>setting everyone on edge.
>

Crow: AHHHH!!! THE KILLER BEES ARE LOOSE IN LAWNDALE!!!

>David was in his own homeroom, and he was very nervous.
>

Tom: [David] Hey, no fair! I didn't know Bumblebee Man
was running!

>"Well, Mrs. Armistead, are they going to tell us who won or not?,"
>David asked.
>

Mike: Yeah. The suspense is killing us.

>"Have patience, David," Alicia said.
>
>Ms. Li got back on the PA system:
>

Tom: [Ms. Li] Whew! Sorry, I had a momentary case of the
hiccups. Everything's fine now. Where were we?

>"I'm sorry, but we have a few bugs in the PA system here. I'm going to
>have to raise some money to have it fixed.

Tom: [Ms. Li] Which means we'll be taking a trip to Sierra Leone
next week. Remember to bring your permission slips and
bullet-proof vests!

> Anyway, as I was saying, by
>a vote of 1265 to 1235, your new Student Government President is. . .

Crow: [dully] Oh. The suspense. The heart-wrenching, gut-twisting
suspense.
Tom: [dully] Yes. I can hardly bear it.
Mike: [dully] I'm very much on the edge of my seat.

>David MacAllister!

All: [dully] Yaaaay.
Tom: And Ralph Nader got 32 votes.
Crow: Damn! He did it again!

> Congratulations, David, from all of us at Lawndale
>High!"

Mike: Need congratulations from an unlikely source? Just call in the
Feds!

> Daria and Jane, in a rare outburst of enthusiasm, let out a big
>"WHOOP!" that stunned everyone.
>

Tom: [Waylon Jennings] 'Bout that time, them ol' Duke Boys got to
Lawndale, with Boss Hogg and Roscoe hot on their tails.

>At David's homeroom, David let out a big "WAHOO!" as his fellow
>Special Education Student mobbed up on him, got him up on their
>shoulders and paraded him around the room singing "For He's a Jolly
>Good Fellow."

Mike: Crashing him into a low-hanging light fixture and knocking
him colder than a flounder.

> The so-called "retart" had been triumphant, and the so-
>called "normal" students had lost.

Tom: But for the Pittsburgh Steelers, there would be another day...

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>When they met up at study hall later, Daria and Jane congratulated
>David.
>

Mike: Right after Jane collected her bet money.

>"This just goes to prove that right will always win in the end," David
>said.
>

Crow: Well, that's bad news for the Democrats in '04...
Tom: [Dark Helmet] No, evil will triumph! Because good is dumb!
Mike: Actually, neither one's doing all that great here.

>"Of course, the big battle for those amendments to the constitution is
>still ahead," Daria said.
>

Crow: Slowly, but somewhat surely, they're winning.
Tom: I still don't see the point in this long and painful method
of a plot.

>"I know," David said, "but I will go forward with confidence. I will
>win this one as well."
>

Crow: But what about his razor-thin margin of victory?
Mike: Oh, like a single Student Senator switching sides will mess up
his plans.

>"You know," Jane said, "your optimism is beginning to rub off on us."
>

Crow: Ewwww! Stop it!

>"Yeah," said David, "it's pretty contagious!"

Mike: Well, sure. What with all the monkeys hanging around and all.
Crow: [Jane] Say, is anyone else coughing up blood?

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>However, Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club didn't share in
>David's enthusiasm.

Mike: Of course not, they lost. Sheesh, you think they would be
happy?
Tom: Well, they could be happy at getting that close a margin.
Crow: Oh please, since when do people care about the margin?

> They were having an emergency meeting.
>

Crow: Do they ever have a non-emergency meeting?

>"This is unfair!," Sandi said. "By all rights I should have won!

Crow: What rights?
Tom: I guess she's invoking the divine right of kings.

> Now
>he's going to ram his changes down our throats, and the Fashion Club
>will lose all its privileges!"
>

Mike: "Privileges"? There's three of them! They're gonna be
forced to shop at K-Mart or something?

>"But what are we going to do about it?," Stacy said.
>

Crow: Filibuster?
Tom: Political protest?
Mike: A special on Dateline?

>"It's time for drastic measures!,"

Crow: Oh, and the other times were just what, a walk in the
flippin' park?
Tom: [Sandi] Stacy, I want you to dress up like Daria and
seduce David! Tiffany, you dress up like David and
seduce Daria!

> Sandi said. "I'm going to contact
>Todd again. This time, we're putting a contract on David MacAllister!

Mike: She better make sure it's a cost-plus contract.

>That's the only way we can stop him now!"
>

Crow: Sure, if you wanna take the evil route... again.
Tom: Couldn't you hack into the computer and transfer him
to another school? That'd stop him too.

>"But, you're talking about murder, Sandi," Tiffany said.
>

Mike: Jawbreaker 2: The Next Day.

>"Do you want to be kicked out of the Fashion Club just like Quinn
>was?," Sandi said in an icy tone.
>

Crow: [Sandi] Like, what's more important, upholding the law
and justice or *me*?!?

>Tiffany was silenced.

Mike: I suppose a lot of people would be willing to agree with
murder rather than have their shirts ripped off.

> It seemed that David's days were going to be
>numbered.

Crow: Originally, they were in alphabetical order.
Tom: And we'll start counting those numbers... as soon
as we get back from our break. Come on, guys.
[The trio stands and exit the theater.]

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