MSTed: "Highlander: Titanic's Legacy Part 2"

[Sproing]

MSTed ‹ "Highlander: Titanic's Legacy Part 2"

SATELLITE OF LOVE ‹
(CROW and TOM on the bridge. CROW is wearing TOM's head, and vice versa.
MIKE enters.)

MIKE: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of ... holy mother of pearl!!
TOM: Ah, shouldn't that be "_un_holy" if we're talking about Pearl?
MIKE: What in the name of all that's merry and bright have you two
_done_ to
yourselves?
CROW: Isn't it obvious, Nelson? We're playing "Micronauts." You know,
those little plastic action figures from the late '70s/early '80s, with
the interchangeable parts?
TOM: Yes, "Micronauts," from back in the halcyon days when action
figures didn't have to appear as animated cartoons prior to being marketed
in stores. You could take Baron Karza's mean-lookin' black head and snap
it onto the noble torso of Force Commander ...
MIKE: But this is ghastly! This is an affront to decency! This is ...
TOM: This is great! Crow's never looked better.
CROW: Hey!
MIKE: Will you two please just put your heads back on your shoulders?
The Mads are calling.

DEEP 13 ‹
Dr. FORRESTER: Ah, Nelsonerator! Your bionic boytoys have anticipated
my experiment for today. It's a slice of nightmare that has everything to
do with losing one's head.
FRANK: Yep. Noggins rolling all over the place. I can relate.

SOL ‹
(TOM and CROW have their appropriate heads back in place.)
TOM: Oh, dear heaven ... not that ...

DEEP 13 ‹
FORRESTER: It's actually part of a larger series, but I couldn't find
Part One. So Frank and I are pleased to present Part 2 of "Highlander ..."

SOL‹
ALL: Aaaaaaaggghhh!!

DEEP 13 ‹
FORRESTER: Ahem ... Part 2 of "Highlander: Titanic's Legacy."

SOL ‹
ALL: Huh?
CROW: Oh, wow, you mean we've got fanfic based on "Highlander: The
Series?" Aw, I love that show!
TOM: For a minute there, we thought we'd have to sit through that movie
"Highlander 2: The Toenail Pulling."
MIKE: Yeah, this is uncharacteristically decent of you, Dr. F.

DEEP 13 ‹
FORRESTER: Well, I do try.
FRANK: Actually, we couldn't get the rights, but our lawyers are still ...
FORRESTER: Frank! Just send them the fanfic!

SOL‹
ALL: Fanfic sign!

5. ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

IN THE THEATER --
MIKE: So you mean to tell me that all the immortal guys in this show
are fighting each other until there's only one left standing?
CROW: Yeah, it's really cool! The immortals are a rare breed, and they
have to cut each other's heads off and collect the Quickening, and ...
TOM: And _how_ many seasons did you say this show has been on?
CROW: Uh ... five or six.
TOM: That's an awful lot of "rare" immortals.

Path:ns1.ccinet.net!news-out.internetmci.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!arclight.uoregon.edu!feed1.news.erols.com!howland.erols.net!news3.cac.psu.edu!PATTEE-67

TOM: We get patee with this fanfic?
CROW (Brit accent): And don't skimp on it!
MIKE: But let me guess -- no crackers, right?

From: cxs...@psu.edu
Newsgroups: alt.tv.highlander

CROW (Christopher Lambert voice): There can be only one!
TOM: Or five, or half a dozen, until we get the budget for next season.

Subject: Fanifc by Chris---Titanic's Legacy Part 2

CROW: It's fanificent!
MIKE: "Titanic's Legacy Part 2: City of Angels."
TOM: I heard they spent $200 million on this fanfic.
CROW: No, you're thinking of the Cameron film.

Date: Tue, 20 May 97 23:48:35 GMT
Organization: Pennsylvania State University
Lines: 104

MIKE: That's 102 lines too many.
TOM: So you mean Kate Winslet's _not_ in this fanfic?
CROW: I guess not.
TOM: Hell, why even be here?

Message-ID: <5ltd8c$1f...@r02n01.cac.psu.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: pattee-67.cac-labs.psu.edu

CROW: _Again_ they promise us patee and neglect to pass the platter.
TOM: Talk about lousy host servers.

X-Authinfo-User: cxs...@psu.edu
X-Newsreader: News Xpress 2.0 Beta #2

Southampton England---April 1912

An awed Duncan walked around the decks of the Titanic.

MIKE (as Duncan): Blubblub blub! Blub blub blub blubub!

To think in just 100 years he has gone from riding on sailing ships that
took months to cross the Atlantic, to this ship, The Titanic, a ship that
could do the crossing in a week! Unheard of.

TOM: Almost as unheard of as fanfic that picks present or past tense
and stays with it.

And this new flying machine, the airplane, soon promises to fly across
America and around the world. He just laughed to himself.

CROW (as Duncan): Ha ha, my watery death is impending!

He figures if he lives another 100 years, he just might make it to the
Moon! A man on the moon he thought to himself.

MIKE: Gonna get me some of that yummy cheese!
TOM: Duncan has apparently just seen that new Méliés film.

Then his Quickening began to buzz

CROW: The new Quickening pager, from Motorola.

as he got below decks to the second class passenger area. He looked
for an open area where he could

TOM: ... Relieve his Quickening, and quick!

move freely and ducked into it, sword at the ready.

MIKE: Where'd the sword come from?
CROW: All the immortals carry swords, Mike! They keep 'em, uh ...
TOM: In a very special, warm, secret place.

Then he saw the shadow of another. "I am Duncan MacLeod of the Clan
MacLeod!"

CROW: I am Kirok!
TOM: I am the Eggman!
MIKE: I am not enjoying this fanfic!

He said. "What the hell! To let a filthy Scot on the pride of the
British fleet it is a sad day in the Isles!"

TOM: And an even worse day in Punctuation Land.
MIKE: Wait, who just called who a filthy Scot?

Duncan lowered his sword. "Hugh Fitzcarin!

MIKE: My long-lost Polish friend!

What are you doing here, in second class. And in a seaman's uniform!!
Why isn't the pride of Manchester riding in first class?!" Duncan asked
smirking. "Well I can explain. You see I a bit short on cash

CROW: I a bit too stoned to remember my verbs.

after
a couple of bad investments and..."

TOM: And then Greenspan went and raised interest rates, and the whole
Blue Star deal just went down the crapper like a Marlboro butt ...
MIKE: Greed is good.

Duncan corrected him, "You mean gambling, right?"

CROW: Gambling, stock market, tomato, tomahto ...

Fitzcarin, trying to win some ground said, "Well yes, yes. But you
see the woman I was with took off with everything! Even my undershorts.

MIKE: As long as she didn't have to dig too deep in the hamper for them.
CROW: Eeeewww!

So I had no choice but to 'borrow' these from some sailor" Then a loud
booming voice was heard, "Fitzcarin, leave the passengers alone, you lazy
oaf. And when you are done feeding the animals below decks

MIKE: You know, the Slavs, the Italians, the huddled masses ...

I want you swab the upper decks, or you will be swimming to New York you
bum!!"

TOM: Here's your Q-Tip! Now get to work!

Which came from the deck chief, "My apolgies sir for whatever
inconvenience this 'man' may have caused you sir."

MIKE (as Duncan): Well, I've rooted through his hamper too, and he
smells pretty masculine.
TOM: Please, buddy, keep your apolgies in your pants where they belong.

MacLeod trying to suppress a roar of laughter said, "He has been trouble,
just make him swab double the top decks!!"

TOM: And show some heart! Give him _two_ Q-Tips!

"Of course sir it will be my pleasure, Now get to work Fitzcarin." Fitz
angerily hollered, "MacLeod! I'll get you for this!"

MIKE: You _will_ bow down before me, son of Fabio!

"No no Fitz, it is time to feed the hogs and goats like a good Englishman."

TOM: Most Englishmen are too chewy.

Fitz stomps off angerily cursing under his breathe. Now MacLeod roars
with laughter. "Oh this is great, this will be a 'Time to Remember' "

MIKE: My prom theme!
TOM: Hey, Crow, I thought guys were supposed to be chopping other
guys' heads off on this show.
CROW: Well, they do, but there are these little things called
exposition and character development, Tom.
TOM: Exposition, my fanny. If Kate Winslet's not in this, I wanna
at least see some decapitations but quick.

On the HMS Titanic, Two nights out of Southampton April 1912

CROW: Captain's log, stardate ...
TOM: Do _not_ go there!

It had been a nice couple of days Duncan thought. Suffleboard in the day.

TOM (Big Bird voice): Mr. Suffleboardupus!

Swimming in the pool in the afternoon. Excellent meals in the evening.

MIKE: I bet the great Duncan MacLeod gets all the patee he wants.
TOM: You keep misspelling "paté," you know.
MIKE: Ooops.

Cuban cigars, scotch,

MIKE: Lawyers, guns and money.
CROW: And fragrant women, vegetable oil anointing their nubile bodies ...
TOM: Not a one of them smelling like Kate Winslet, I notice.

and card games into the night with several of the wealthy that were
onboard Titanic.

MIKE: The huddled masses in steerage could never get a fourth for bridge.

And when he ever needed something, he would page the bellhops, and would
ask if 'Mr Fitzcarin' could deliver it, and when he did, forget all about
that 'tip thing'.

TOM (as Fitzcarin): I'll tip your worthless head right into the
Atlantic, you stinkin' razzemfrazzemrazzem ...

It was enjoyable. That evening as Duncan sat down for another night of
cards with Mr Isthmay,

CROW: Much to Duncan's isthmay, an iceberg loomed on the horizon.

he looked at the table and was surprised who was sitting there:

MIKE: Kate Winslet!
TOM: Yeah, but Leonardo di Caprio's with her already.

JB Thayer owner of the Pennsylvania railroad, Benjaimin Salathinger,

CROW: Reclusive author from Connecticut.

nephew of Andrew Carnigie, and Mrs Mae Boyd the wealthy widowed socialite
from Denver.

TOM: And three-time champion among the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling!

"The captain himself is supposed to join us tonight, as is a special guest,"
Isthmay said.

TOM: Captain Hazelwood's his name. Drinks a bit, spends a lot of
time napping.

Just then Duncan's Quickening began to buzz,

MIKE: Too much Scotch. Goes straight to my Quickening.

he looks around to see none other than John Jacob Astor himself, the
head of the Astor family fortune with a beautiful brunnette that was NOT
his wife

TOM: This is not my beautiful wife!
MIKE: You may find yourself at the bottom of the ocean.

as they came in with Astor's loyal butler in tow.

MIKE (as butler): Boy, thanks for the tow. It would've been a long
walk from Southampton to NYC.

"Ah Mr Astor how good of you to join us" Isthmay said.

CROW: I am _not_ lisping!

"I'm sure you already know everyone at the except my good friend Duncan
MacLeod. Mr MacLeod, Mr John J...." Duncan cut in,

TOM: You can do that when you carry a katana.

"I know who MR Astor is, pleasure to meet you." Astor looked at him,
"Thank you Mr
MacLeod and may I introduce Miss..." "Hello Amanda." "Ah you two know
eachother I gather?"

MIKE: Dump dialogue into bowl, toss vigorously ...

Amanda replied, "Yes John, Duncan and I are old friends that go way
back. Way way back."

TOM: Jeez, they all but wink at the reader, don't they?

Isthmay cut in

MIKE (as Duncan): Where's _your_ katana, pudgy?

by saying, "Splendid, we are all quiant, anyone for a game of cards."

CROW: All quiant on the western front.
MIKE: Isn't that a kind of fruit?

By the end of the evening, Duncan barely broke even. Much better than
many at the table, as Mr Astor's consort seem to have taken the shirts off of
everyone's back.

TOM: Lotta hamper-digging women in this fanfic.

"Well that will do it for me, I'm going to turn in, dear if you wish,
you can stay and visit with your old friend.

CROW (as Astor): We've just met, but you seem a stout fellow ...
here, borrow my concubine!

James lets go." Mr Astor said as he departed, "Thank you honey, see
you in a bit. Duncan how about we take a walk on the deck."

MIKE: John Jacob Astor wants to take Duncan MacLeod for a moonlight
stroll?
TOM: Love, exciting and new ...

Duncan looked around as he saw a grin from Capt Smith.

CROW: Capt. Stubing's out with gall bladder surgery, I hear.

Mr Isthmay was stunned, and Mrs Boyd just smiled and said in her hard
western accent. "Why yes go on Mr MacLeod enjoy yourself. Why Miss
Amanda if I was 20 years younger I'd fight you for him!"

CROW (as Amanda): I'd cut you in half, you baggy old ...
MIKE: Crow!

Duncan just grinned a took it in stride. "Mr MacLeod, that is John
Jacob Astor's mistress. You shouldn't..." Istmay whispered protest as
MacLeod got up, "Don't worry, shes Amanda, and I know how to handle her."

TOM (Barry White): I got a katana full of love for you, baby.

The two walked up and down the deck.

MIKE: Not easy to do when there's an ICEBERG embedded in the BOW!!

"So Duncan what do you think." Amanda asked. "I think you're
pathetic. Mr Astor is a married man!" And you're parading around with
him. Amanda!!

CROW (Barry Manilow): Well you came and you gave, without taking ...

People are saying things! You should..." Amanda cut off MacLeod

MIKE: And took his Quickening like the cruel vixen she was.

"First to let you know, I have NOT had sex with John.

TOM: Snugglebunnies, yes, sex, no.

Second I am with him because I give him good company that his wife
doesn't give him, and..."

MIKE: Vigorous foot massages.

"And you get whatever he can buy for you, which is almost anything.
Correct." Duncan said. "Oh how perseptive. Now if anyone questions my
honor as a lady, why I'm sure you can handle it!"

MIKE (as Duncan): You know, I like you. It's too bad one day that
pretty cabeza of yours is gonna roll like a melon.

"Amanda that is not the point..."

TOM (as Duncan): _This_ is! Whock! Slash!
CROW: Tom! They're friends!
TOM: Why? They're just gonna have to kill each other eventually.

Then their Quickenings began to buzz,

CROW: My spider sense!
MIKE: Is the earth moving for you too?

as a drunk sailor in a dirty uniform walked towards them. "Awe my
friends, leave me rot in the doedrums of the lower decks as you smoke fine
cigars and talk to finer women.

CROW: I had Jell-O today.

Oh hello Amanda." "Fitz, you're found your place in life I see."
Amanda smirked.

MIKE: So there just happen to be _three_ immortals on this doomed
ocean liner?

"Oh very funny, not all of us can cozy up to one of the owrld's
richest men in order to get close part of the collection of the recently
found French crown jewels Mr Astor has in his possession!"

MIKE: Plot Exposition Theater is proud to present, "Titanic's Legacy!"
TOM: ... The recently found French crown jewels, once purloined by
Count Udo de Brassiere from the villa of Bontemps, shipped to Flanders via
Thurn und Taxis messenger, and purchased by the Earl of Heave prior to the
Onanist Schism of 1743 ...

A drunked Fitz blurted out. "Amanda!!!

CROW (Barry Manilow): Well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking ...

Why you never change. And Fitz you two are in on getting....Oh my God!"

MIKE (as Duncan): I just found out I'm under contract for season six!

Duncan cried in disbelief, "just when i think the two of you can't get
any lower,

TOM: You drop the limbo bar _another_ inch!

I - I. Oh whats the use. I'm going to my cabin!

MIKE: Happy rowing.

, Good-night." As Duncan walks off, Amanda calls out. "Duncan wait."

CROW: No, Dun _can't_ wait. Gotta empty his Quickening.

"Oh whats the use let the Scot go and put on his skirt and...and" Then Fitz
fell over drunk.

MIKE: For an Englishman, Fitz has a lot of Irish in him.

Amanda standing out looking out on the ocean realizes it is oddly warm
for April in the North Atlantic.

CROW: She decides to share the information, allowing the fanfic
author to hammer the point home.

"My its warm, do you think icebergs might be a problem Fitz.?"

ALL: Noooooo!

Fitz in a half daze said, "There have been numerous warnings, but
Isthmay has told the Captain to ignore them.

TOM: And to ignore Charo as best he can. Maybe she'll go away until
next season.

He wants to get to New York and set a new record. He's trying to push the
ship as close to 25 knots as he can.

CROW: That way his shoes will _never_ come untied!

Capt Smith would rather use descretion,

TOM: Ooh, yuck! Can he _say_ that?
MIKE: Fitzcarin is pretty verbose for a dazed drunkard.

but Isthmay

TOM: It's not May, it's April! You said so yourself in the chapter
heading!

writes the checks. Besides. The Titanic is design to withstand TWO
iceberg hits anyway!!"

CROW: Two very _soft_ icebergs.

Amanda looking out said, "Oh I hope you're right!"

ALL: SKRRREEEEE-CRUNCHHHH!!

Little did they know that in 2 days all would change, forever.

MIKE: Girl, you'll be a woman soon.

To be Continued

TOM: Prepare for more TORCHAA!

Sproing
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