MSTed: How to Pick Up Young and/or Topless Women (2/3)

[Mighty Jack]

>HOW TO PICK UP HOT & SEXY TOPLESS DANCERS
>Copyright 1996 by Gemini Publishing Co.

MIKE: See, guys really need a book like this, because usually they waste
time trying to pick up the ugly dancers.

>If you have been to topless clubs, I'm sure that you have had
>all kinds of sexual fantasies about doing all kinds of
>naughty things to those hot & sexy topless dancers.

TOM SERVO: They, on the other hand, could care less about you.

> For most
>men this is where their fantasies end.

MIKE: Others climb up on the stage, grope the dancers and then get
tossed out on their drunken butts.
CROW: Speaking from experience, Mike?

> They get all hot &
>horny, then go home and masturbate.

CROW: Or, if they can't wait that long, there's always the men's room...

>Well, that's all in the past when you use these proven
>techniques to score with topless dancers:

TOM SERVO: Proven by _whom_, exactly?

>1. The key to scoring with dancers is to establish a
> friendship and avoid becoming just another customer.

CROW: So, basically, pretend not to just be another guy trying to score
with her so you can score with her?
MIKE: Pretty much...

> Always buy her drinks instead of table dances. If you buy
> her drinks, she's more inclined to stay with you.

TOM SERVO: That way, she'll be too drunk to realize what a pathetic
loser you are.

> At some
> point she will hit you up for a table dance.

CROW: Yeah, sure... [as dancer] My job isn't degrading enough...
PLEASE let me degrade myself some more for you!

> Just say,
> "There's nothing more I would love than to have you dance
> for me, but I do not want to be just another customer,

MIKE [as customer]: *I* want to be just another desperate, lonely creep
that you have to try and find some way of getting
away from!

> I'm
> more interested in getting to know you better and become
> your friend.

TOM SERVO [as customer]: And then dump you like yesterday's garbage once
I get you into bed! Wouldn't you love to have a
friend like that?

> Look, I know the ropes of your business and I
> understand this is how you make your money, so if you need
> to leave and make some money I understand.

CROW [as dancer]: Would you understand if I left because you're skanky?

> Why don't you
> come back over here with me and party after you make some
> money?"

MIKE: At which point, the dancer will slap you so hard you can't see
straight.

> If she does come back over to you to be with you,

CROW: ... she is INCREDIBLY desperate.

> things look promising. Then, just simply ask her to meet
> you for lunch or dinner on her day off.

MIKE [as dancer]: Uh, I don't have any days off. Sorry.

>2. Here's what I call the "Lottery Method" I use to score
> with dancers.

TOM SERVO [as writer]: I throw rocks at one of the dancers while she
shouts: "It isn't FAIR!!!"

> This involves stage dancing, where the
> dancers dance for mostly $1 tips put in her G-string.

MIKE: Don't be afraid to try it just because you're a guy... just put
on your G-string and get up there!

> Here's how you do it: Just go up to the edge of the stage
> with a dollar bill folded longways with a lottery ticket
> inside it.

TOM SERVO: That's bound to get uncomfortable.

> Then she will dance in front of you and when
> she squats down, put the dollar bill with the lottery
> ticket inside of it, in her G-string after she motions you
> to do so.

MIKE: Make sure to limp away in excruciating pain after you try to
cop a feel and she kicks you in the nuts.

> After giving her the dollar bill, be sure and
> tell her there's a lottery ticket inside the dollar bill.

CROW: She probably won't hear you, but...
TOM SERVO: Just don't tell her that it's a losing ticket from
three days ago.

> Then she will thank you and kiss you lightly on your lips
> or cheek. So, how does this work?

CROW: Well, first she puckers up her lips, then she touches your lips
or cheek with them....

> On the back of the
> lottery ticket write, "If you win, call me at
> __________and let's celebrate.

MIKE: When did they start putting an underline button on the phone?

> Even if you don't win,
> let's meet for lunch or dinner.

TOM SERVO [as writer]: When this ticket turns out to be a loser, let
it remind you of me!

> Good luck!" Then sign your
> name.

CROW [as if signing his name]: Dick... Hardslab...

> Try this method. It works!

TOM SERVO: My advice: keep the ticket. You've probably got a better
chance of winning the grand prize than picking up a woman,
anyway!

>3. Be sure to go to the topless clubs that feature "Amateur
> Night."

CROW: On second thought, don't go. Buffalo Bill ruined Amateur Night
for everybody, after all.

> These amateur topless dancers are the easiest to
> pick up.

MIKE: Well, actually, most dancers are pretty easy to lift, because
they're... oh. Nevermind.

> They're friendly, receptive and being that
> they're new to dancing,

TOM SERVO: ... they haven't learned to avoid jerks like you yet!

> they're not burnt out or hardened
> by the topless club atmosphere, or have a bad attitude
> towards men.

CROW: But one date with you can fix that!

> A lot of these girls get high to get up their
> courage to dance and will be easier to take advantage of
> because of their weakened mental condition.

TOM SERVO: Whoa! Back up a second there, Sparky! Do the words
"diminished capacity" mean anything to you, by any chance?
How about "rape", slimeball?

> Make it a
> point to go often to these "Amateur Nights."

CROW: That way the police will know exactly where to find you.

> On good
> nights, there can be up to ten fresh rookies for you to
> seduce.

MIKE: *sigh* Suddenly I'm very glad I'm not sharing a planet with
*this* guy anymore.

>4. Knowing when and what time to go to topless clubs can
> increase your chances of scoring with dancers.

TOM SERVO: For example, you're not gonna get anywhere if the
club hasn't opened up yet.

> In general,
> the best nights to go are Tuesday-Thursday. The best time
> to arrive is between 10:30 p.m. and midnight - even later
> is better. Why?

MIKE: Because the closer it is to closing time, the less time the
dancers have to put up with you.

> Because the dancers have already made
> their money and will be more inclined to spend some time
> with you and this is to your advantage so you can make
> your moves.

CROW: Guys... remember the good old days when all of our dating shorts
were cute, wholesome films from the '50s?
TOM SERVO: Crow... they didn't have movies back in the days of ancient
Rome.
CROW: The *19*50's, Tom! Sheesh...

> Also, after midnight

TOM SERVO [singing]: ... gonna let it all hang out!

> most of the married men
> have left to return home to their wives.

CROW: While others offer money for things that their wives won't do....
MIKE: That's enough, Crow.

> Try to hang
> around until closing time and ask her out for breakfast or
> to go party with you.

TOM SERVO: So, she spends her night stripping, and after that you think
she wants to go "partying"? When is this poor girl supposed
to sleep?

>5. This is what I call the "Teddy Bear" method. This is a
> unique method to attract dancers like crazy.

MIKE: But wouldn't it be kinda hard to fit the bear into a teddy?
CROW: You're sick, Mike.

> This involves
> bringing a small teddy bear with you to the topless club.

TOM SERVO: A teddy bear makes for a *weird* sex aid....

> You can buy these little teddy bears at any toy store.

MIKE: No! Really?
CROW: Thanks, Einstein.

> All
> you have to do is set it on your table and it will attract
> the dancers curiosity. They will ask,

MIKE [as dancer]: Who's the geek with the stuffed animal?

> "Who's the teddy
> bear for?" You will reply, "I'm giving it to the first
> dancer who will meet me for lunch or dinner. Would you be
> interested?"

TOM SERVO: And then you'll be laughed out of the club.

> Try this method and eventually a dancer will
> take you up on meeting for lunch or dinner

MIKE: Don't be surprised if it takes a few hundred times before someone
finally takes pity on you....

> and she will
> get the teddy bear.

TOM SERVO: And once the bear gets thoroughly cleaned, it'll have a much
better chance of sharing a bed with her than you ever will!

> She will admire you, too, for your
> unique approach in getting a lunch or dinner date.

CROW: Sure, until every other dimwit who's read this ad shows up at the
strip club with teddy bears!

>TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOW TO MEET, ATTRACT, AND SEDUCE TOPLESS
>DANCERS

MIKE: ... not necessarily in that order...

> PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING IMPORTANT INFORMATION:

TOM SERVO: And then use it to line your bird cage.

>Would You Like to Have Your Life Filled With Hot & Sexy
>Topless Dancers Eager to Go to Bed With You...and...Give You
>"ANYTHING" You Want?

CROW: Like any straight guy's gonna say "no" to THAT....
MIKE: Will they give me my "SLIPPERS" and my "MORNING PAPER"?

>If so,

TOM SERVO: ... run, do not walk, to therapy... 'cause IT AIN'T GONNA
HAPPEN, PAL!

> this may be the most exciting message you will ever
>read!

CROW: I pity ANYONE who would find this "the most exciting message
they ever read"....

> Here's why: If you've been to a topless club, I'm sure
>you've dreamed about making love to these hot & sexy topless
>dancers.

TOM SERVO: Gee, and all this time I thought guys went there for the
loud music and the overpriced drinks!

>Now, you can do it! Just follow my easy step-by-step methods
>and techniques in my new book,

MIKE: "I Am a Pathetic Loser, and I Don't Care Who Knows It".

> "How to Pick Up Topless
>Dancers" and you'll soon discover

CROW: ... how far I'll go to earn a couple of bucks.

> how easy it is to turn
>these dream girls into "real girls."

TOM SERVO: So women don't exist until they agree to sleep with you, is
that it?

>YOU WILL LEARN:
>
>* How to get "free" table dances and how to get her to show
> you her "bush"

MIKE: If you're lucky, she'll also show you her "nine inch nails", her
"beck", her "alanis morissette", and her "soundgarden"!
CROW: Personally, I'd rather see her "hole"...
[Mike and Tom turn and stare at Crow]
CROW: What? I like Courtney Love, so sue me!

>* Where to sit in a topless club where the dancers will be
> begging to be with you.

CROW: Just sit in the ladies' room and lock the door behind you! They
might even break the door down to get to you!

> This secret place is guaranteed to
> have all the girls approaching you one after another

TOM SERVO: ... to gawk at you and mutter, "What the HELL is this guy's
problem?!"

>* The secrets to asking dancers for a date that guarantees a
> "yes"

MIKE: Do you think I'm completely unappealing?
TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Yes.
MIKE: Will you not go out with me in a million years?
TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Yes.
MIKE: Would you like me to shrivel up and die?
TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Yes!

>* Why "Amateur Night" is your best chance to score with these
> dancers.

MIKE: And get thrown in the slammer.

> Learn how you can take advantage of these "rookie
> dancers"

CROW: You know, I'm starting to think that this guy's not trying to steer
his readers towards any kind of long-lasting, meaningful relationship
here....
TOM SERVO: It's times like this I'm proud not to be human.

>* How to talk to topless dancers and opening lines that
> really capture her attention and make her desire you

MIKE: Drooling on yourself and passing out is PROBABLY not a good idea.

>* How to score with hot & sexy topless dancers at closing
> time

CROW: Step #1: Wait until closing time.

>* How to successfully give out your phone number to dancers.

TOM SERVO: You hand them a piece of paper with your number on it. How hard
is that?
MIKE: Note that he never says they'll actually call you....

> This method works like crazy

CROW: Yeah, that last word looks right at home in this spam....
MIKE: "Sick", "sleazy", and "sexist" also spring to mind.

>* How to tell if a dancer is "hot" for you and craves to be
> with you

CROW: Hint #1: She's too high or drunk to be choosy.

>* The best days of the week for you to pick up topless
> dancers and which two nights to avoid

TOM SERVO: Let me guess... Thanksgiving? Or how about the night the
police come crashing in with a warrant?

>* Why it's much easier to take advantage of the young and
> inexperienced topless dancer

MIKE: The same reason guys get suckered in by ads like this one...
they just don't know any better!

>* How to flirt with topless dancers

TOM SERVO: First you find a topless dancer. Then you make an ass of
yourself in front of her just like you'd do with any other
girl. See how easy that was?

>Aren't you tired of going to topless clubs and going home all
>hot & horny and having to whack your wee-wee?

CROW: Isn't that Lorena Bobbit's job?
MIKE: OUCH!

>Well, that's all in the past when you use the techniques in
>my new book, "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers" that makes
>scoring with topless dancers a breeze. Isn't about time you
>experienced the thrill of a huge boner when she does a
>"private dance" for you in the bedroom? You will swear that
>you have died and gone to heaven!

TOM SERVO: Right now *I'd* swear that heaven is one place this writer's
*never* going to see.

>Continue to find out what else you'll learn!....

MIKE: Or skip this spam and put the sender in your kill file to avoid
wasting more time.

>YOU WILL ALSO LEARN
>
>* What to do while getting a table dance to get a dancer
> interested in you sexually

CROW: Lose 50 pounds, get a new wardrobe, get some manners, learn to
treat women with respect....
MIKE: Okay, Crow, we get the idea.

>* What to do and what to say when a dancer sits at your table

TOM SERVO: Just look at your lap and say: "I got a seat for you, honey...."
CROW: And she'll tell you that costs extra.

>* The best times to arrive at a topless club that increases
> your chances to score with the dancers

MIKE: How about when hell freezes over?

>* How to use your waitress to meet topless dancers

TOM SERVO: Sure, you're trying to use every other woman in the place, why
not use them too?
CROW: Why not try hitting on the waitresses?
MIKE: Because a woman has no value unless she's beautiful, and you can't
tell how beautiful a woman is until you see her breasts.
CROW: Ahhhh...

>* Guaranteed methods on how to get dancers to go home with
> you

TOM SERVO: How about handcuffs and duct tape?
MIKE: I wouldn't put that past this guy.

>* How to be the "life of the party" and have the dancers
> crawling at your feet, offering you free table dances and
> fringe benefits

CROW [as loser]: A 401K and a dental plan for *me*? Aw, honey, you
shouldn't have...

>* How to dress when going to topless clubs that makes you
> irresistible to the dancers

MIKE: Wear nothing but a spangled G-string! Hey, if it works for the
dancers, why not give it a try?

>* How to pick up topless dancers in the parking lot at
> closing time

CROW: Yeah, approach a woman late at night in a parking lot... they
*love* that!
TOM SERVO: Especially if you look like you've got handcuffs and duct tape.

>* How to use your camera to pick up & photograph totally nude
> dancers

TOM SERVO: Apparently not even the backstage dressing room is safe from
drooling perverts with cameras.
MIKE: He could be talking about those private rooms where the dancers
take everything off for a paying customer. [clears throat] But
I wouldn't really know, I just heard that somewhere....
CROW: Maybe he's talking about getting a job with National Geographic?
They take pictures of African tribal dances all the time.

>* How to score with touring feature dancers and porno stars

MIKE: Oh, sure, put some moves on the girls who *really* know how to
keep the lowlifes at bay....

>* All this and much, much more!

CROW [as announcer]: How much would you pay for snake oil like this? But
wait, there's more!

>There's never been a better time to pick up topless dancers.

MIKE: Than when?
TOM SERVO: Right now!
MIKE: Now?
TOM SERVO: Nope, you missed it.
MIKE: Damn.

>There are more hot & sexy young girls than ever before in the
>topless clubs

TOM SERVO: Well, maybe if these women could get paid decently for
"regular jobs"....

> and it's time you had your share of these fun-
>loving, warm and willing women.

MIKE: What are they, government entitlements all of a sudden?

>TIPS TO SAVE YOU MONEY

CROW: Tip #1: Stop going to topless bars and get your porn on the Internet
like everybody else!

>* When to say "no" to a table dance. These tips will save you
> a lot of wasted time and money

TOM SERVO: Of course, not buying this book would also work.

>* What to do if a dancer gives you a phony telephone number

MIKE: Keep badgering the old people who answer the phone until they
admit that they *do* know who Luscious Lisa is!

>* Where to get discount coupons for free admission (this
> alone can save you anywhere from $5 to $20)

CROW: 'Cause there's nothing women love more than cheap guys!

>* Which topless dancers to completely avoid...you will get
> absolutely nowhere with these girls

MIKE: That would be, what, 99% of them?
TOM SERVO: Oh, at LEAST.

>* What to say to turn down a table dance that won't offend
> her and she will actually respect you for what you say

CROW: Make sure she respects you so that you can treat her like dirt.

>* Secrets to save you money on your bar tab and avoid getting
> ripped off!

TOM SERVO: But if you've bought this book, it's too late for that!

>* How to turn down a table dance that makes her yearn to be
> with you

CROW: How to parse a sentence that makes no friggin' sense....

>* Learn what to say to avoid the "one drink minimum rule" at
> some topless clubs

MIKE [drunkenly]: Don't worry, I always have at least twelve anyway....

>FREE BONUS REPORT

TOM SERVO: Today's extra credit assignment, class: write a report on why
the writer of this spam should be shoved in front of a
speeding train. Give three specific examples.

>If you order within the next 30 days,

CROW: I pity you deeply.

> I'll send you my free
>report, "How to Make Love to Topless Dancers."

ALL: [snicker loudly]
MIKE: I'm sorry, but if you need THAT kind of help, you're beyond all hope.

> Drive topless
>dancers wild with irresistible new techniques for foreplay
>and intercourse.

TOM SERVO: You'll learn how to get your rocks off and fall asleep faster
than ever before!

> She will literally beg to have you inside
>her!

CROW: Oh, this is just SO wrong....

>TRY IT RISK FREE FOR 365 DAYS

TOM SERVO: ... or a year, whichever comes first.

>We're so confident that you'll like, "How to Pick Up Topless
>Dancers" we're willing to back it up

ALL: [making that "backing up" beeping noise]

> with a full 365 day
>guarantee. Try it for one full year to score with topless
>dancers.

CROW [as writer]: Go ahead... take the book down to Kinko's, copy
all the good parts and then send it back!

> Then if you're not meeting, seducing, and making
>love to topless dancers, return the book in good condition to
>us for a full refund.

MIKE [as company rep]: Sorry, this book's been opened. It's not in good
condition anymore.

>Don't wait any longer! Order, "How to Pick Up Topless
>Dancers" today and find out how easy it will be to meet,
>date, and make love to the kind of girls you've only been
>able to dream and fantasize about in the past!

CROW: Which, in most cases, would mean all of them.

> These warm &
>willing girls are ready to fulfill your every desire when you
>are...

TOM SERVO: Will they paint my house?

> and the sexual adventure begins when you send in your
>order. GO FOR IT! Find out "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers"
>NOW!

MIKE: Thanks, but I think this ad told me more than enough already.

>- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>ORDER FORM
>
>To order, "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers" - Item# 002,
>please enclose $16.95 plus $2.00 for shipping and handling.
>You can print this order form to send your order.

TOM SERVO [sarcastically]: Oh, *MAY* I?

>Name________________________________________________________
>
>Address: (street)___________________________________________
>
>City______________________________State_____Zip_____________
>
>Telephone:( ) _____-_________ (in case there's a question
> about your order)

CROW [as company rep]: Hello? We have a question about your order. Are
you gullible or just plain stupid?

>CREDIT CARD ORDERS
>
>To charge your purchase, please check> ___Visa ___MasterCard
>___American Express
>
>Credit Card No.____________________Expiration Date__________
>
>Card Holder's Name (please print):__________________________
>
>Card Holder's Signature:____________________________________

TOM SERVO: I wonder how many guys tried to sign their screen when
this scrolled by?

>* FOR FASTER SERVICE USE OUR CHARGE-BY-PHONE SERVICE using
> your Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. Just call
> (713) 488-6866 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (Order Item#
> 002 "How to Pick Up Topless Dancers")
>
> MAIL THIS ORDER FORM TO: Gemini Publishing Company, 14010 El
> Camino Real, Suite 133, Houston, TX 77062. Thank you for
> your order.

MIKE: And thank *you* for promoting a book that would make any
sexual predator proud!

> P.S. - For foreign orders please enclose an extra $5.00 to
> ship your order airmail

CROW: How much to ship it to the edge of the universe? No, skip it.
I don't want to know.
MIKE: Let's get out of here, guys....

[They exit the theater.]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[SOL]

[Tom and Crow are sitting at the control panel with half-full shot glasses
in front of them. They are looking off to the left where Mike is standing
with an unusually dressed Gypsy. The top half of her rubber tube has been
stripped away, and the exposed metal strut underneath has two glittery
tassels glued to where her nipples might be. She's also wearing a sparkly
pair of very small panties. Tom and Crow are howling and wolf-whistling at
the sight of her.]

GYPSY [angrily]: This is the most embarrassing thing you guys have *ever*
made me do!

MIKE: Come on Gypsy, don't be shy! *Lots* of girls do this all the time!

GYPSY [still angry]: Is that so?! Well *I* don't!

[Mike puts his arm around Gypsy while Tom and Crow peer around him so they
can keep watching Gypsy.]

MIKE: Listen, Gypsy, this is the only way we can find out if any of those
"proven techniques" we read about in the theater actually work! We
can't call the guy who wrote this stuff a fraud without trying out
his ideas, right? That's why we need you to be our topless dancer!

GYPSY [sarcastically]: Lucky me. Mike, I don't even know how to *dance*!

[Mike turns to wink at the bots.]

MIKE: Hear that, guys? She's an amateur! You know what that means, right?

TOM SERVO: Sure do, Mike! That means...

MIKE, CROW & TOM [cheering]: ...iiiiiiiiiiiit's *AMATEUR NIGHT*!!!

[As Mike, Tom and Crow hoot and holler like fraternity boys and Gypsy hangs
her head in embarrassment, spotlights drop from the ceiling to shine on
Gypsy, a rotating disco ball also drops into place, and Magic Voice,
who has been reprogrammed to sound like a sleazy male announcer, begins to
speak.]

MAGIC VOICE: ALL RIGHT! All you guys having a good time out there? Well,
have I got a treat for you! We've got a first-time dancer up
on our stage, one I'm sure you're all going to love! Please
give a warm Satellite of Love welcome to our very own lovely
and talented... GYPSY!!!

[As "Bwow-chicka-wocka-chicka" music starts to play, Mike, Crow and Tom
watch Gypsy as she stands completely still, glaring at them.]

MIKE: Well?

GYPSY [angrily]: Well what?!

MIKE: Well, don't just stand there! Come on, Gypsy, shake your booty!

GYPSY [furiously]: Mike, I don't have a booty, and this is completely SICK!

TOM SERVO: Come on, Gyps, don't be like that! You know we wouldn't ask you
to do this for us if we didn't really like you and respect you
and stuff!

[Gypsy growls (Marge Simpson style) at this.]

CROW: Yeah, and it's not like there's anyone else that we could ask!

MIKE [wheedling]: Come on, Gypsy... don't back out on us now! Pleeeeease?

[Pause]

GYPSY: *sigh* Oh, all right! I'll do it. But you owe me *big time* for
this, Nelson!

[Mike, Tom and Crow start cheering and whistling as Gypsy starts to wiggle
around, sort of in time to the music. She's obviously not very into it.]

MIKE: Okay guys, start using those pickup lines!

CROW: Hey Gypsy, how long have you been dancing here?

[GYPSY stops to stare at Crow in disbelief before answering.]

GYPSY: About 5.83412 seconds.

CROW: Oh yeah. I knew that.

TOM SERVO: Where are you from?

GYPSY: Right here on the Satellite, you imbecile!

MIKE: What made you decide to go into dancing?

GYPSY: YOU DID!!!

CROW: How long do you plan on working as a topless dancer?

GYPSY: Not much longer!

TOM SERVO: Have you got any children? How old are they?

[Gypsy opens her mouth to answer, then just shakes her head in disgust.]

MIKE: Do you have any hobbies?

GYPSY: No, Mike, I don't! And do you know why? Because when I'm not
maintaining the ship and cleaning up all of your messes, I'm busy
being a guinea pig in stupid, humiliating experiments like *this*
one!

[After an awkward pause...]

MIKE [to Crow and Tom]: Guys, this isn't working. I don't think the guy
who wrote that stuff ever thought it'd get used
on someone like Gypsy. We're gonna have to wing
it a little and try some different lines.

[Mike, Crow and Tom all turn to Gypsy.]

CROW: Say, honey, are those things real?

TOM SERVO: Aren't all these people so phony?

MIKE: That's a nice G-string, but it'll look even better on my bedroom
floor tomorrow!

CROW: Are all these questions getting on your nerves?

TOM SERVO: Are you a maniac who's dancing like she's never danced before?

MIKE: Come on, baby, do you do more than dance?

[Gypsy just glares at them.]

GYPSY [frustrated]: Are you done yet? Can I go?!

CROW [leans over to Mike and mutters]: Mike, I think we're striking out
here....

MIKE: Don't worry, guys. We've still got a chance. I've been saving the
best for last.... [Mike pulls a dollar bill out of a pocket of his
jumpsuit and shows it to Tom and Crow.] I'll bet if I give her a
tip she'll loosen up a bit! Now I don't have a lottery ticket, but
this ticket stub from an old Cheap Trick concert should work just
as well.... [Mike folds the dollar bill around the ticket stub and
then puts the dollar into Gypsy's panties. Then he looks expectantly
at Gypsy.]

GYPSY [frustrated]: What?!

MIKE: Aren't you going to kiss me?

GYPSY: Oh, for crying out loud... WHY?!?

MIKE: Because I just gave you a tip! And the ad in the theater said that
after I give you a tip you're supposed to kiss me!

GYPSY: Mike, that dollar bill had *Tom's* picture on it!

TOM SERVO: Hey, that's gonna be valuable some day! Count on it!

MIKE: Come on, Gypsy... I gave you a tip and now you have to give me a
kiss! That's the rules!

GYPSY [furious]: Is that so?! Well, let me tell you what you can do with
your rules! You can just...

[Gypsy trails off, then pauses for a moment.]

GYPSY [deviously]: All right, Mike... why don't you lean over a little
closer so I can give you that kiss?

CROW: Woo hoo! Go Mike!

TOM SERVO: I didn't know you had it in you, you sly dog!

MIKE: See guys? The old Nelson charm gets 'em every time! [Mike leans
towards Gypsy from the center of the control panel with his lips
puckered up.]

GYPSY [deviously]: A little closer...

[Mike now leans way over towards Gypsy, his upper body now almost
horizontal. That's when Gypsy opens her mouth wide and bites down hard
on Mike's upper torso, completely engulfing his head, neck and shoulders.
Mike gives a muffled cry of surprise and pain as Gypsy wrestles him to the
floor behind the control panel. Crow and Tom scream and flee in panic
while Mike's body (which now looks suspiciously like a life-sized stuffed
doll) flops helplessly from Gypsy's mouth as she slams him to the floor
over and over again. The beating continues as the commercial sign light
goes completely ignored, lasting through the logo shot that signals the cut
to...]

[Commercials.]

[Concluded in Part Three]