MiSTed: Affordable Bulk Email Services
Shadocl0ak
This is my first MiSTing. I apologise if somebody else was planning to do this
one, or if it was done before, but I was so ****ed off when I found this is my
mail that I just had to. Let me know if you like it.
>////AFFORDABLE WWW MARKETING SERVICES\\\\
CROW: You know, something tells me that this isn't going to be legal...
>You can promote your web site and advertise your
>services/products to millions at the lowest
>guaranteed prices.
SERVO: By climbing on top of a tall building and shouting your URL at the top
of your voice.
> We've been doing business
CROW: With chimpanzees.
>on the WWW for five years and we can help you
MIKE: Destroy your self respect.
>succeed as well!
>
>***10,000 Sites That Offer FREE Advertising!***
CROW: Number one: www.ihavenolife.com. Number two: www.getscrewed.com. Number
three: members.aol.com/bigjohn
>Place your ad on over 10,000 web sites worldwide
MIKE: And nobody will speak to you. Ever again.
>& dramatically increase your internet exposure.
CROW: Internet exposure? As in nude servers?
>Absolutely Free!!!
CROW: If you sell your soul to us forever! Bwah-hah-hah! Mwah-haha-hah!
[continues for a while, eventually trailing off into hysterical giggling]
>This brand new directory lists
>over 7,000 sites that will offer you free ads.
SERVO: Didn't it just say 10,000?
>In addition to being free these sites are also
MIKE: A pile of crap.
>highly targeted high traffic sites. To reach
>millions of prospects you must get as much
>exposure as you can afford. And Free Advertising
>is
CROW: Apparently now spelt with the first letters in upper case.
>very affordable and the exposure can be
SERVO: Rather embarrassing.
>tremendous!!!
>The entire directory is in the form of a WEB
>page
MIKE: It's not just a web page, it's a WEB page!
CROW: That stand for something? Like "We Eager Bast --
MIKE: Please don't finish that sentence.
>and all the sites are hyper linked, which
>means you just click on the site names and
>your browser will take you directly to that
>site.
MIKE: And now they have to explain what "hyper linked" means. I'm starting to
get an idea of their target audience.
>ONLY $29.95
SERVO: A week, for 15 months.
>For more information or to order email us at
>adi...@mailexcite.com
CROW: They can't be all that successful if they have to use a free e-mail
address.
MIKE: That's because their services are *affordable*, Crow! Haven't you been
paying attention?
>or call us 24 hrs/day
>at 916-781-4925.
SERVO: The Spammers' Party Line.
>***Accept Checks On-line, Via Fax, or Phone***
MIKE: I'll bet they accept credit cards too. If you leave them lying around.
>Now you can accept checks directly from your
>web site,
SERVO: What's this? Another check? Why, thank you, web site!
>over the phone, via email, or even fax!
ALL: Gasp!
>The #1 selling check acceptance software makes
>it easy to do and, at a new low price, very
>affordable. Kit includes software,manual,email
>form,web form,
SERVO: Racing form.
CROW: Complaints form.
MIKE: Bad form.
>lifetime tech support, and 100
>sheets of Federal Reserve Security checks.
>Don't accept cheap imitations,
MIKE: But I thought this was cheap?! Hey, this is starting to get a mite
suspicious...
>they usually
>offer no tech support
SERVO: The B@$+@~ds!
>and are NOT
CROW: Never Offer Timeshares.
>guaranteed
>to work with all banks, our software is the
>ONLY one of it's kind that is GUARANTEED
CROW: I'm not even going to bother working this one out.
>to
>work with any U.S. bank.
SERVO: Of course, that's not U.S. as in United States. It's Upper Siberia.
>You also have a full
>30 day money back guarantee.
ALL: We want our money back!
>ACT NOW and get FREE Check Collection Services.
CROW: Debt collection would be much more fun.
>Wouldn't you like to have YOUR check paid
>before the checkwriter could buy a car, or
>house, or get a new credit card?
MIKE: Well, no, not really...
>Complete Package Only $99.00
SERVO: Wasn't it $29.95 two minutes ago?
MIKE: That was the last one. Will you pay attention?
>For more information or to order email us at
>adi...@mailexcite.com or call us 24 hrs/day
>at 916-781-4925.
>////BULK EMAIL SOFTWARE\\\\
>"Bulk Express Easy Mailer" is the #1 bulk mailer
>on the market today! It absolutly blows away the
>Stealth Mailer and Mach 10.
CROW: I'd like to see it *literally* blow them away.
>You'll no longer lose
SERVO: Your lunch.
>your ISP account because
MIKE: It's AOL, and they don't care if you use your account to sell military
secrets to the Soviets.
>with the "Bulk Express
>Easy Mailer" your PC actually acts as a high speed
CROW: Time bomb.
>mail server! Your messages get "hand delivered" to
>each recepient one by one WITHOUT having to mail
>though your provider's mail server. Features are
>far too many too list
MIKE: That's a spam euphemism for "they're actually rather pathetic".
>so call us and we will be
SERVO: Rude and unhelpful.
>happy to give you complete details on this easy
>to use & effective software and answer all your
>questions!
MIKE: Like "who are you" and "what the Hell do you think you're doing".
>For more information or to order email us at
>biz...@mailexcite.com or call us 24 hrs/day
>at 916-781-4925.
CROW [customer]: Hello, is that Spam 'R' Us?
SERVO [spammer]: Why yes, how may we help you?
CROW [customer]: By dying slowful and painfully.
SERVo [spammer]: Very well sir. [Makes groaning noises]
>////BULK EMAIL SERVICES\\\\
MIKE: Why don't they just come right out and call it Bulk Spam?
>Our bulk email lists are the best available.
MIKE: If you're into that sort of thing.
>We offer a 3 to 1 guarantee on all our lists.
CROW: So they're now offering some sort of bookmaking scheme?
>We'll replace any non-deliverable address with
>three new ones!
SERVO: For every address that is destroyed, three new ones appear!
CROW: We are doomed!
MIKE: Flee from the Spammanx!
>We'll beat any price, so if you
SERVO: Whistle "Yankee Doodle" while balancing a hedgehog on your nose.
>find a lower price let us know!
CROW [customer]: I've found a lower price!
SERVO [spammer]: Oh, s**t!
>**Targeted Business-Opportunity Seekers**
MIKE: So that's what they're calling perverts now?
>50,000 Addresses-Only $40.00
CROW: CMor...@aol.com
>100,000 Addresses-Only $70.00
SERVO: IPFr...@yahoo.com
>**General Interest Lists**
MIKE: Ah, this is the list that will be of interest to most spammers.
>100,000 Addresses-Only $50.00
MIKE: Jock...@mailexcite.com
>200,000 Addresses-Only $75.00
CROW: Ama...@hugandkiss.demon.co.uk
>500,000 Addresses-Only $120.00
MIKE: $5 for each additional victim.
>**Bulk Email WITHOUT Losing Your ISP!**
SERVO: I could have *sworn* I left that ISP around here somewhere!
>Why risk losing your account
CROW: Because it's fun!
>and why pay for
>expensive bulk friendly ISP's and web hosting?
MIKE: Because we want to, and you're not the boss of us!
>Let us do the mailing for you.
CROW: Wow, these are real friendly spammers, Mike!
>There is no
>limit
SERVO: No no, no no no no, no no there's no limit!
>to the size of your ad we have a fast
>turn around time, mailings usually performed
>within 3 business days after payment is received.
MIKE: Pay up, or the spam gets it!
>PACKAGE 1
>Your ad to 25,000 WWW users for only $60.00
MIKE: Wouldn't it be funny if it turns out that it's just one guy getting
25,000 spam letters a day?
CROW [angrily]: That's *not* funny, Mike!
>PACKAGE 2
SERVO: Buckle my shoe.
>Your ad to 50,000 WWW users for only $90.00
>PACKAGE 3
>Your ad to 100,000 WWW users for only $150.00
>For more information or to order email us at
>adi...@mailexcite.com or call us 24 hrs/day
>at 916-781-4925.
>Thank You
SERVO: No, thank you!
>M.R.A.
CROW: Sounds like some sort of crack killing squad.
>Marketing Services
MIKE [conspiratorially]: Oh, I get it...
CROW: What's that, their spam license number?
Shadowcloak
E-mail: Shad...@aol.com
http://members.aol.com/shadoc64/index.html
"Hmm, I want to look evil, but not Satanic."
- MST3K episode 805: The Thing That Couldn't Die