[MiSTed] Life's Surprises - Part 2

[Freezer]

> He, instead, turned to the mutants.
> "I believe it's your turn?"

TOM: [Rajura] Alright, Phoenix! Show 'em that Cosmic Power of yours!

CROW: [Cyclops] Umm... Jean hasn't had the Phoenix power for
years...

TOM: [Rajura] I was talking about Rachel.

JOEL: [Professor X] She's lost in the time stream.

TOM: [Rajura] Havok?

JOEL: [Prof X] Ditto.

TOM: [Rajura] Nate Grey?

CROW: [Storm] Sorry!

TOM: [Rajura] Damn! What good are you people?!?

JOEL: Not very, nowadays...

> Wolverine grinned and bared his bone claws. "Bring it on."

JOEL: Okay... metal-less Logan against Frieza's goons. This should last
all of five seconds.

CROW: [Wolverine] I'm the best at what I do, and what I do <BOOOM!!!>

> Frieza nodded and several of the soldiers with blasters on their arms
> stepped forward. One of them took aim at Shadowcat and fired, and was
> immensely surprised when the beam passed harmlessly through her. She
> grinned. "Fooled ya!" and aimed a very good scissors kick at him,
> sending him crashing to the ground.

CROW: Now wait... Is this butt-kicking Demon Ninja Shadowcat from the
comic, or the dead weight Kitty from the cartoons?

JOEL: Umm... Yes.

> Cyclops was blasting away, first destroying the soldier's blasters
> then going after them bodily, while Wolverine went on a
> no-holds-barred attacking spree.

TOM: Not noticing that his claws broke off on the first guy he hit.

> Nightcrawler began popping in and out of various soldiers, drawing
> their fire until he had them being shot down by themselves. Frieza
> frowned and again intervened, sending out an energy blast. Jean,
> catching wind of it a second earlier, threw up a force field around
> as many of teammates as she could, shielding most of the mutants
> from the blast. However, the White Queen, Husk, Iceman and Spyke
> weren't so lucky.

TOM: Not to nitpick again, but any blast strong enough to kill Iceman
should've vaporized the other three.

CROW: Give it up Tommy. The only in-character character here is
Frieza. Deal.

JOEL: Besides, it was probably the cartoon version of Iceman. You
could kill him with a well-aimed paper clip.

> Rogue screamed as her friends' lifeless bodies slumped to the
> ground. Frieza tsked.
> "Should have been more careful."
> Rogue, half blinded by tears, had taken off both of her gloves. "You
> want us??" she screamed, lunging at him. "Come and get me!"

TOM: And when Rogue says "us" she really does mean "me!"

JOEL: There's a party in her head, and everyone's invited!

> Dodoria jumped in front of her and grabbed her wrist. He yelled out
> in pain as his memories and abilities were sucked from him into her.
> He wrenched away and fell to his knees, panting. Rogue's eyes glowed
> with Dodoria's power as she aimed a blast at him to finish him off.

CROW: Y'know... I might not have been a bad idea to let Rogue touch
Goku or Vegeta before the battle started.

JOEL: Crow, what did we say about Dragonball Z logic?

CROW: Umm... There ain't any?

JOEL: Exactly!

> He launched himself into the air and she followed him, heedless of
> her teammates' calls. The two of them then proceeded to battle it
> out, Rogue and Dodoria matching each other blow for blow.
> Frieza frowned. "Dodoria, come down here at once!"
> Both Rogue and Dodoria froze, and they both descended. Rogue, after a
> moment's hesitation, turned and walked back to her teammates.

TOM: Ooh! Awkward!

> Vegeta glanced at the young teen southern belle.

CROW: [Vegeta] If only she had blue hair...

TOM & JOEL: Saay!

> That was quite a mutant ability she had there. Quite useful, which
> was why Vegeta was sure he'd be defending her from Frieza before this
> was all over. Frieza was no longer smiling. "It's time to really
> start this fight. Men!"

CROW: [Random soldier] I thought we had, sir!

TOM: [Frieza] Quiet, you!

CROW: yessir...

> Zarbon, Dodoria, and a few others stepped forward. Goku stepped
> forward-or tried to but was held back. "Goku," Krillin said softly.
> "You're the strongest we have. Don't fight yet, save yourself for
> Frieza. Piccolo, Vegeta and I will go."

JOEL: [Krillin] One of us has to die before you kick into action!
It's in our contracts!

TOM: Gotta give Ms. Hoshiko one thing: she's got DBZ-style logic
down pat!

> "No," Krista said. "I'll go instead of you, Krillin. At least I can
> be wished back." Krillin thought about it, nodded and stepped back.
> Zarbon grinned. "A little girl? You insult us."

CROW: Never mind that your first guy got curb-stomped by someone
younger than her...

JOEL: Details, details...

> Krista snarled. "Shut up and fight, bastard."
> Zarbon grinned wider. "And she's got spirit! Ready men!"

ALL: [Frieza's goons] SHE GOT SPIRIT, YES SHE DO! SHE GOT SPIRIT,
HOW BOUT YOU?

TOM: "Yes she do?"

CROW: It fit. What can you do?

Frieza smiled. "Attack!"

CROW: [Random Goon] *COOO-BRAAAA!!!*

JOEL: [Frieza] Wrong show, you dink!

CROW: [Goon] Sorry...

> Krista was in no way surprised when Zarbon headed right for her.
> After their little banter, she was sure he was going to see if she
> had the gall to actually be as strong as she thought she was.

TOM: Guys, I feel the dark specter of romance approaching.

JOEL: Getting beaten to death might fix that.

> As they began to fight each other, Krista realized with a start that
> she still had much more training to do. Fighting Zarbon was much
> different than fighting Vegeta- at least she'd gotten to know how
> Vegeta moved, his habits. Zarbon had a completely different style.
> But that didn't mean that she wasn't a match for him.

TOM: Even though it should...

> She saw his face begin to contort with concentration as he found his
> opponent much tougher than he'd originally given her credit for. The
> two of them rebounded off of each other, panting ever so slightly.

CROW: Umm.... They _are_ still fighting. Right?

JOEL: I hope so!

Zarbon grinned.

> "You're good. Better than I thought you'd be. Are you this good in
> other areas too?"

TOM: DOUBLE ENTEDRE BUSTER!!!

> Krista flushed and aimed a series of attacks at him which were easily
> avoided. Zarbon laughed. "Strike a nerve, did I? I'll ask Master
> Frieza to take you captive. Then we'll see how 'good' you are." "Go
> to hell, mother fucker!" Krista yelled, coming at him head on.

CROW: GRATUITOUS EXPLITIVE WAVE!!!

> The two began to battle it out once again.
> He watched especially the battle between the girl and Zarbon with
> acute interest. She was very good. SO good, in fact, that she need
> not be killed.

TOM: Yo, Frieza buddy! Isn't that the exact reason you killed the
ENTIRE FRIGGIN SAIYAN RACE!?!

> He smirked as he heard the exchange between them. She'd be very
> useful. In fact, he liked Zarbon's idea, and a proposal formed in
> his mind.

CROW: [Frieza] One million Zinnies to sleep with your brother!

JOEL: Crow, that's... actually so plausible it's scary.

> He'd call another halt in a few minutes, and tell her what he had in
> mind. He'd make it an offer she wouldn't be able to refuse.

TOM: [Marlon Brando] Join me or your planet sleeps with the fishes.

> Vegeta heard Krista's words, and grinned even though he himself was
> busy. She'd certainly developed a backbone since he'd taken her on as
> his protégé.

JOEL: [Vegeta] A few more months and that exo-skeleton would've come
in nicely!

> Now, however, he had to concentrate on beating the living
> you-know-what out of his opponent. Everyone in the air froze,
> however, as Frieza once again called a halt. Everyone descended,
> growing tired of Frieza's games. He turned to Krista. "You. I have a
> proposition for you." Krista sneered. "What?"

TOM: [Frieza] Tell me the secret of Marysuoken, and I leave!

> "If you come with us, I'll leave right now. No dragon balls, no more
> casualties. Just you. And I'll leave Earth alone for as long as I
> live. What do you say?"

CROW: Hmm... Lifetime of servitude and abuse or you and your friends
get beaten to death. Tough choice.

> Krista was stunned. He was putting the fate of the Earth in her
> hands, and he knew it. If she gave in, she'd be giving herself to
> this...this...well, she didn't want to think about it. If she
refused,
> he'd continue to destroy the Earth. She looked about for some help,
> but obviously no one had prepared for this: on every face was an
> expression just as stunned and confused as her. She peered at Frieza.

JOEL: Peek-a-boo!

CROW: Ah, screw you!

> "How do I know you will hold true to your promise?"
> Frieza grinned. "I swear it by my very blood."
> She heard Vegeta gasp. "He's serious..." he muttered.

TOM: What was that about Frieza being in character?

JOEL: Yep. Scratch that!

> Great. She sighed. What real choice did she have? Go with Frieza or
> stay and watch everyone...her friends, her family...die one by one.
And
> then still be taken captive anyway.

CROW: Assuming you're not dead of course.

> She hung her head, in defeat, then looked back at her brother, tears
> in her eyes. He blinked. She wouldn't....
> "Deal."
> "NO!" Touma screamed, lunging for her, but the rest of the Troopers
> held him back. "It's for the best, Touma!"
> "She's doing it for you!"
> Touma, tears in his eyes, fought against his teammates for all he was
> worth, prompting the Sailorsenshi to hold him back as well.

JOEL: Not to mention fighting against their own character in order
not to let him go and then follow him in.

CROW: You ever think some authors get some sort of kick making people
act so blatantly out of character?

TOM: [Usagi] Ha ha ha!!! I'm the god here! Dance for my delight!
DANCE!!! <Makes whipping sounds>

> Frieza grinned and nodded to Zarbon, who took Krista by the arm and
> marched her into the ship without so much as a backwards glance.
> Frieza laughed at Touma, who was still struggling against his
> friends.
> "Looks as if she's chosen. Best be off now, wouldn't want her to
> think I'd gone back on my word." He nodded to the others, who all
> marched into the ship. Frieza entered and the doors closed. The still
> stunned defenders looked on helplessly as one of their own vanished
> into space

CROW: Then screamed as one as Frieza's Planet Buster came flying back
at them.

> Oh my god, what have I done??

TOM: Surrendered like your name was Jean Paul.

> I've given up my freedom, myself to these beings
> To save a planet of horrid people.

JOEL: Pretty much, yep.

> To save the murderers, the rapists, the thieves and abusers of the
> world.

CROW: And the lawyers.

JOEL: And the talk show hosts.

TOM: And Tom Green.

> I've given up myself to him, all for the terrorists and the corporate
> spenders That inhabit our abysmal little planet.

CROW: Sure, you saved the 5,999,000,000 *OTHER* people on the planet.
But don't let that stop you.

> I'll never get to see the dolphins jumping out of the clear blue
> ocean again,

JOEL:[Krista] Never figure out what "So long, and thanks for all the
fish" meant.

> Never be able to hear the sparrow's song again.
> I'll never be able to dance among the falling cherry blossoms in late
> spring,

TOM: She's a Sakura Wiccan!

> Never spend a night in the ice cream parlor with my friends.

JOEL: Getting fitshased on Tutti-frutti...

> I'll never know my true love,

TOM: Actually, his name was Murray, and you blew him up during one of
your training sessions.

> Never ride on Whiteblaze again.

CROW: Is that a euphemism?

TOM: No, it's a tiger.

> I'll never find out who the last two senshi are,

JOEL:[Sailor Uranus] When did we show up?

CROW: [Sailor Neptune] I think we were in that "You get the idea"
group...

> Never see Uli grow up into a handsome young man.

TOM: Assuming Mia or one of the Ronins doesn't get fed up and take a
chainsaw to him...

> I'll never see Usagi and Mamoru get married...

JOEL: Like you'd be invited.

> Never see Chibiusa grow up from an infant.

TOM: Kinda hard to do when she's eight, and standing right there.

> Never see Crystal Tokyo,

CROW: Plan on living for the next ten centuries or so, do you?

> Never see my brother again...

JOEL: [Krista] Wait, that IS a bad thing, right?

> Never find out what happens after the Goblet of Fire!

TOM: Easy - Neville gets croaked.

CROW: Nuh-uh! Cho Chang will be the one to bite it!

JOEL: You're both wrong: It'll be one of the Weasley twins.

CROW: WHAT! NO! Say it ain't so!

JOEL: That's what I'm thinking.

> Wait...I didn't give myself up for the evil people of the world...

TOM: Well... You kinda did, technically.

> But for the good, the innocent.
> The small infant, who will now get to enjoy life,

CROW: Until the next DBZ fight wipes his whole family out.

> The wildlife that will now continue to thrive,

TOM: And spread rabies and anthrax and Mad Cow and..

> The future generations who will make Earth so much a better place to
> live...

JOEL: In other words, the 5,999,999,850 who wouldn't know you from
Eve?

> I gave myself up to these people for my planet,
> And all the good that's there,
> In hopes that I've now given the good a chance to stomp out the bad.

TOM: I can see that going well...

CROW: [Krista] Frieza! I order to cease your evil ways and
<BOOOM!!!>

JOEL: [Frieza] Zarbon, who was that again?

> I hope....

CROW: ...This ends with your violent, painful end.

TOM: Good grief, Crow! This hasn't been near that bad.

CROW: I know... But all those random crossovers and cameos... Those irk
me on sheer principle!

JOEL: Well, I think I know how to make that a bit more fun. C'mon!

{All leave}

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

{We come back to an empty main bridge}

MAGIC VOICE: Ladies and Gentlemen of Earth, The Satellite of Love
proudly presents "Crossover - A Life's Surprises Production"

{Enter Gypsy, wearing a long blue wig}

GYPSY: Hi, I'm Krista! And I'm gonna kick some butt!

{Enter Tom sporting horns on his dome!}

TOM: I'm Frieza, the butt you're going to try to kick! But you won't
because, SOOOO much more powerful than you!

{Enter JOEL wearing a Sailor fuku}

JOEL: Guys, I still don't know why I have to wear the skirt.

TOM: It was your idea, and you're the only one who fit. Not get in
character!

JOEL: *AHEM* I'm Sailor Moon! And I'm Krista's best friend! Never
mind how or why! All that matters is that we will punish you! {Does
Sailor Moon's "And that means you" pose}

{Enter Crow in a Marge Simpson wig}

CROW: [Marge] Oh, Krista! I hope you don't get to roughed up in this
fight!

{All stop and stare at Crow}

CROW: What? It's the best Marge Simpson I could do!

GYPSY: You were supposed to be Touma, not Marge!

CROW: Well all you told me was put on *this* wig! What else am I
supposed to think? {Goes off-screen muttering}

JOEL: Right. Tom?

TOM: Oh, yeah! [Zips off screen and back on in a lavender wig]

TOM: Frieza? You really should be worried about the androids! Hi,
Krista!

GYPSY: Hi... Um... Trunks!

JOEL: Umm... Aren't you supposed to be Vegeta? Trunks isn't even in this
story.

TOM: But Trunks is the coolest of the cool! If Ms. Hoshiko can bring
in random, tangential characters, why can't I?

JOEL: Um Okay!

CROW: [Off screen] Really, cool! [Zips back onscreen painted silver] In
Earth's darkest hour, The Silver Surfer has returned to help. Of course,
I'll have to mope and whine a bit first! Hi, Krista!

GYSPY: Hi, Norrin!

TOM: [Wearing a trenchcoat with a pole strapped to his back] Ol' Gambit
gon' do his part too! Hey, Krista, cheré!

GYPSY: Hi, LeBeau!

MAGIC VOICE: Well, no one fights cosmic menaces like the Fantastic Four!
Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Invisible Woman!

JOEL: Guys this is getting a bit...

CROW: [Painted Red] My radar sense picked up a gathering of heroes!
Daredevil's ready to join in! Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Mr. Murdock!

JOEL: Guys, I...

TOM: [Zipping back on screen wearing a giant Green Helmet] HI-YAH!!!
THE GREEN RANGER'S HERE AND IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! YAAH! AH-YAH!!! Hi,
Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Tommy!

CROW: [Wearing a white wig and dragon wings] You were right, Joel! This
is fun! I can totally see the appeal of these kind of crossovers! Hi,
Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Brooklyn!

JOEL: This really gotten out of...

TOM: [Dressed as the Heavyarms Gundam] By the way, Joel, that skirt
makes you look fat. Hi, Krista!

GYPSY: Hi, Trowa!

JOEL: Well, anyway... Wrap it up, guys! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!

{All scurry off}

[ 1 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 6 ]...[ * ]

{All retake their seats}

TOM: Thanks Joel! That was a blast!

CROW: By the way, you can take off the skirt now.

JOEL: I would've, the zipper's stuck. I'll have to cut it off later.

TOM: I think the jumpsuit/skirt combo is a good look for you, actually!

> Ch. 4

JOEL: When did we go through chapter 3?

TOM: That was that whole "Oogachacka" thing.

JOEL: Oh yeah.

> Day and Night,
> Night and Day,
> Still going your lonely way.
> -Jubei-chan, Secret of the lovely eye-patch theme.

CROW: I really hope that lost something in the translation.

JOEL: No, candy-ass pop is still candy-ass pop no matter what the
language...

> gasped as she was shoved roughly into a quarters by the one named
> Zarbon. "This is where you'll be sleeping until we get back to the
> planet Frieza," he said shortly.

TOM: [Zarbon] You'll be rooming with Varg the Unclean over there.
Try not to make any sudden movements.

CROW: [Varg, growling] Ghn! Varg pagn Chthulu!

> He grinned. "I daresay the men back home will be very happy to see
> you." Krista flushed again, but said nothing. Zarbon considered her.

JOEL: ...Impressive for having survived this long without getting
blown to atoms.

CROW: I guess the Aura of Smooth works on energy attacks too.

> "We may have to get a uniform custom made for you."
> "Uniform?" Krista asked in amazement. Zarbon nodded.
> "Of course. You didn't think you were going to wear that flimsy
> thing, did you?" he asked, pointing to her orange jumper. He glanced
> up at the shift monitor. "I've got to go. Ask a crewman for the way
> to the mess hall if you get hungry." He grinned again. "Like it or
> not, you're one of us, now." And with that, he left her in her new
> quarters. Krista looked around the rather barren space, flung herself
> down on the bed and cried.

TOM: It's her bondage, and she'll cry if she wants to!

> Ami knew that nothing she could say or do would ever cheer up
> Touma completely.

TOM: At least nothing he'd notice her doing...

> His worst fear had come true. Krista was gone, taken by Frieza.

CROW: And here comes another action packed episode "As The Touma
Mopes!"

> It had happened so fast, and so unexpectedly, that everyone had been
> powerless to stop it. Once Touma had realized it, it had been far too
> late. She'd already agreed, and Krista never went back on her word.

TOM: And I think Frieza threatening to blow up her planet had a little
something to do with it as well...

> Still, Ami sat on the couch and hugged Touma, who seemed to be at
> this moment drained of all emotion. His arms were around her, but
> they didn't tighten, or loosen. The grip remained somewhat limp.

CROW: [Ami] I know you're feeling bad right now, [singsong] But I'm
sure I can make you feel beee-teeer!

JOEL:[Touma] I can't believe she's really gone...

CROW: [Ami] We could play "Innocent Senshi and the Naughty Youma"
again...

JOEL: [Touma] There was nothing I could do...

CROW: [Ami] Touma! SAILOR MERCURY WANT SOME SEX!!!

JOEL: [Touma] I'm sorry, Ami! What were you saying?

CROW: [Ami] AAAARGH!!!

> Vegeta, too, seemed to be in a state of shock.

CROW: [Vegeta] Ah, screw it - Hey, Mercury! Wanna play King Kong and
Fay Ray?

> Ami was sure that Vegeta had come to care for her quite a bit. She'd
> seen it every time he looked at her; she was more than just a girl,
> or a student to him.

TOM: [Vegeta] Damn. Lost another one. Oh well! Hey, Bulma!

> He'd lost someone special, too. She sighed and sent up a silent
> prayer to the creator that she be watched over.

CROW: [God] A little late for that, don't you think?

> She didn't know she had fallen asleep. She was awoken by the return
> of Zarbon.

JOEL: Zarbon's back on Earth? That was fast!

> He looked up from her closet.

CROW: [Zarbon] Perfect! I can hide in here all day if I... D'OH!
She's awake!

> "Oh, so you are awake. I thought you might wish to have your uniform.
> We've had it a little...altered for you." He grinned.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Hope you're into latex.

> "I hope it's sufficient." He held it up and Krista gasped. The
> breastplate of the uniform had been molded so as to fit her female
> figure from the collarbone down to the waist. Zarbon smirked.

TOM: That's not the whole uniform, is it?

CROW: I didn't know Frieza worked for Image Comics.

> "I also tried to have you show off those long legs of yours, but
> Master Frieza thought you'd be more comfortable in this," he said,
> holding up what looked like a pair of black tights.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Oh, sorry! Those are mine!

> She saw boots and gloves stashed just inside the closet in an
> alcove. Zarbon set everything on a shelf.
> "You'll want to change before you go out. I assume you're hungry."

TOM: [Krista] Not really. Some insect looking guy wandered in
earlier and... well...

CROW: <BUUURP!!>

> Krista blinked. She hadn't realized it, but she was starving. Zarbon
> grinned again. "I'll be in the mess myself. Come by once you suit
> up...Cadet."

JOEL: [Krista] But my name's not...

CROW: [Zarbon] It's a rank, brainchild!

JOEL: [Krista] Sorry.

> He left. Krista considered. She'd agreed to come along, she might as
> well do the thing properly, right? She began to change her clothes.
> The fit of the breastplate made her wonder if she hadn't been
> measured in her sleep,

CROW: You probably were.

TOM: [Krista] Why do I hear someone giggling?

> it was so accurate. She pulled on the gloves and boots, marveling
> again at the fit-she was sure many soldiers weren't nearly as small
> as her.

ALL: Hint, hint!

> As an afterthought, she pulled her hair back in a tight ponytail, a
> few wisps of hair escaping to frame her face. When she was satisfied
> with her appearance,

TOM: [Krista] Sex-ay!!!

> she stepped out of her quarters. She looked to her right, then her
left.
> She shrugged and headed to her left,intending to ask the first
crewman she
> came across where the mess hall was. The first person she bumped
into,
> however, was Frieza. She startled and began to bow, then salute,
> and finally fell to one knee with her head bowed. Frieza laughed.

JOEL: [Frieza] Humiliating people is such a pip!

> "A salute will do, Cadet. Where are you headed?"
> "I'm headed to the mess hall...sir" she added a little belatedly.
> Frieza nodded.

TOM: ...Off.

CROW: Who could blame him?

> "In that case, I'm afraid it's in the other direction. At the end of
> this corridor, make a right. Go straight, you'll see it." Krista
> started to bow, then saluted. "Yes. Thank you, sir."

TOM: [Frieza] Oh, and by the way?

JOEL: [Krista] Yes?

TOM: [Frieza] DIE!!! <ZAP!!>

> She turned and began to walk the other way when another few words
> from Frieza made her stop. "Let me know if anyone is a problem.
> Zarbon has been assigned to protect you." Krista's eyes widened. That
> pompous blowhard was her PROTECTOR?

CROW: For that matter, why is an evil bastard like Frieza assigning
anyone to protect ANYONE?

JOEL: Psychological torture?

TOM: No; I think he enjoys watching things go boom too much to
switch.

> She turned and saluted again. "Yes sir," she said with much less
> emphasis. She took the directions Frieza had given her to the mess
> hall.

JOEL: Run by a man named M'el Sharrplz.

> When she appeared in the doorway, she saw more races and beings than
> she'd known ever existed. The babble of talk that had been consistent
> moments before her arrival died away at once when she stepped through
> the threshold.

CROW: Ooh... Awkward.

TOM: You'd think these guys had never seen a woman before.

JOEL: [Random Alien] Oh Dear Maker! What's that in the door? What
are those things on his chest. Oh, what do we do! What do we do!

> Then it picked up again with hearty laughs, nudges and winks thrown
> into every other statement. She wandered nervously over to the mess
> counter.
> "Uh...what do you have?"
> The lunch clerk grinned and rattled off a list of foods that made
> Krista wish she'd thought enough to bring Mako-chan with her.

CROW: With this story, Neelix is probably behind the counter.

> She sighed.
> "Give me...whatever you have that's closest to a soup."

TOM: [Neelix] But soup is so boring! We've got some absolutely
delightful Kazon Roast Beast...

JOEL: [Krista] No. Just soup.

TOM: [Neelix] Okay, we've got some veeeery tasty Ocampan goulash...

JOEL: [Krista] Soup! The plainer, the better.

TOM: [Neelix] And we've got some fresh Klingon War Stew...

JOEL: [Krista] GIVE ME SOUP OR YOU FRY!!!

TOM: [Neelix] Well why didn't you say so! I've got a special recipe
for Talaxian Fried Fish!

JOEL: [Krista] AAARGH!!!

> This the clerk did, and Krista settled into a corner of the hall by
> herself to try and enjoy her meal.

CROW: Suddenly the fic crosses over with "Degrassi Junior High."

> She sat so she could see everyone, her back almost flush up against
> the wall. She watched as glances , looks and the stares were thrown
> in her direction. She paled as a group of beings started toward her.

TOM: The faces of those she's wronged!

> She looked around desperately for Zarbon, but she could not
> distinguish his face from so many other unfamiliar ones. The four or
> five beings sat at her table and smiled. One extended his hand.

TOM: [Alien] Chyy zl svatre!!!

JOEL and CROW: HUH?!?

TOM: [Normal] ROT-13 subroutine! Finally got to use it!

> "I'm Musquo," he said by way of greeting. Krista considered the
> cat-faced being. She finally shook his hand-or paw, as it turned out.

CROW: [Krista] WAI!!! NEKO-KUN!!! KAWAII!!!

JOEL: Just blew through your entire Japanese vocabulary didn't you?

CROW: Pretty much!

> "Hajishitemashite,"

JOEL: [Musquo] Kiss my *WHAT?!?*

> she said. "I'm Krista."

CROW: Mistress of darkness!

TOM: "Miss Krista" if you're nasty.

> Musquo nodded. "We know. Word travels fast aboard a ship. You gave up
> yourself for your planet?"

CROW: [Krista] Yep, noble sacrifice. It's what I do!

> Krista nodded. The orange being with bright red hair next to him
> nodded.

TOM: Oh, no! They captured Beaker!

> "Good move," it said in a deep voice. "Master Frieza always calls a
> being's bluff. So, I assume you're e cadet?"

JOEL: Is that a typo or a Cajun accent?

TOM: Not sure...

> Krista nodded again, still trying to work up the nerve to taste her
> meal. The being grinned.

CROW: There's a being in her soup? Gross!

JOEL: Welcome to Jabba's Soup Hut!

TOM: [Krista] Waiter! What's this alien doing in my soup?

CROW: [Waiter] Calculus!

ALL: BA-DUM-BUMP!!!

> "I'm a sergeant, I'm right above you.

JOEL: [Krista] Well, get down from there! It's creepy!

CROW: [Kevin Meany] Hovering over people like that! That's just not
right!

> Do you know what your detail is yet?"

TOM: [Krista] Umm... Thirty-three, twenty, thirty...

CROW: [Sergeant] Your _duty_ detail.

TOM: [Krista] Oh...

> Krista shook her head. Musquo grinned. "Zarbon said you were quite
> the tough talker. What's the matter?" Krista smiled. She was
> beginning to like these guys.

JOEL: [Krista] I'll kill them last.

> "I'm just trying to get up the courage to taste this...whatever it
is."
> Musquo wrinkled his feline nose. "Ugh. That stuff is poison.

CROW: [Musquo] But not to me! *SLUUUURP!!!*

TOM: [Musquo] Ah, Mercury! Sweetest of transitional metals!

> I'll go get you something you may enjoy."

JOEL: [Musquo] Or not. What do I know? I like live game!

> He stood and walked over to the counter. The orange-skinned being
> held out his hand. "I'm Mere, by the way.

TOM: My God! They've brainwashed Beaker, too!

CROW: At least they taught him how to talk...

> Like I was about to say, there are several details you can be
> assigned to. I'm on medical myself.

JOEL: [Mere] AKA: The Bag 'n' Tag squad.

CROW: Well, Beaker's got lots of lab experience, at least.

> It's an interesting field, if you're interested."
> Krista grinned. "I bet. My brother's girlfriend wants to be a doctor.
> I'd be one too if I were smart enough."

TOM: [Krista] And good enough.

JOEL: [Krista] And, doggone it, if people liked me!

> Mere shrugged. "It's not so hard. It's learning everyone's physiology
> that's the problem."

CROW: And laughing at the intern's mistakes, of course!

JOEL: [Intern] Okay, I think I got this guy's face reconstructed.

TOM: [Doctor] Nice job son... Except, that's not his nose...

JOEL: [Intern] Then what... Oopsie!

CROW: Eww...

> Musquo returned with a plate filled with something that looked like a
> cross between french fries and sushi, with a dash of wasabi mixed in.
> It smelled awful.

CROW: Ah! The latest creation of Iron Chef Violent Seizure!

> Musquo grinned.
> "Best food on the ship.

TOM: [Musquo] Of course, we're all carrion eaters. But it's an
acquired taste!

> Try some."
> Krista, grimacing a bit, picked up a piece and bravely stuffed it
> into her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully for a second, then swallowed
> and grinned. "This is great!" she said enthusiastically. Musquo
> nodded again. "Like I said, best food on the ship."

JOEL: [Krista] Umm... what did you say this was?

TOM: [Mere] Oh, that's chunks of some...

CROW: [Musquo] SHH!! Ix-nay on the Aughter-Slay!

> When she arrived back at her quarters, a piece of paper had been
> shoved under her door. She had been assigned bridge detail. Her
> Commanding officer would be Major...Musquo?? He was a Major??

TOM: [Krista] Of course! He's the very model of a modern major!

CROW: ... Cat thingy.

> She blinked. She note told her to be on the bridge at the start of
> the next shift. Mere had taught her how to read the shift monitor.
> It was almost time for her to report. She stepped out the door and
> saw another being scurrying up the corridor.
> "Excuse me, sir," she said. "But which way is the bridge?"
> The being stopped and gave her directions.

TOM: [Being] Ovgr zr, Cvax Tveyl!

JOEL: [Krista] Thanks... I think...

> She thanked it and headed to the bridge. She arrived just as her
> shift was beginning,

JOEL: Of course, she left two hours before it.

CROW: [Krista] Last time I take directions from that Ree Yo Ga guy!

> and was encountered immediately by Musquo. He grinned.
> "Welcome, cadet. I am your commanding officer. From here on in, you
> will answer to me and any one above me. Is that clear?" "Yes sir."
> She said. Musquo nodded.

TOM: Of course, she'd also answer to anyone the same rank as you or
pretty much anyone above her. But hey, don't let me rain on your
little power trip.

> "You will be working helm on the ship, and once we get back home, you
> will work tactical. Take your post."

CROW: So we're letting a freshly captured, untrained, possibly
rebellious cadet at the controls of a spaceship, are we?

JOEL: Like we said before - that's DBZ logic for you!

> He pointed to a console in the front of the bridge in front of a
> giant viewscreen. She took her post, glancing out of the corners of
> her eyes as she did so. She gasped. Both Frieza and Zarbon were on
> the bridge, along with the being Rogue had fought known as Dodoria.
> Zarbon smirked as she took her post. She sat next to a light blue
> being that looked like a human, except for the ears poking out of
> it's pink hair. It glanced at her. "First day?"
> Krista nodded. It smiled, revealing several rows of very sharp teeth.
> "I'll help you, it's not too hard once you get the hang of it."
> Krista spent the next two hours learning to get the hang of the helm.

CROW: [Krista] Okay, so this is the ship. And we have to fly through
this field of... Hey! This is Sinistar!

JOEL: [Helm] Beware! You suck!

> It was easy as they encountered nothing during that time.

TOM: That the ship couldn't simply plow through.

> Finally, when Kuao (the name of Krista's partner) was sure Krista had
> it, he returned his full attention to his own readings while Krista
> studied hers. Because their course had been locked in, she wouldn't
> be required to make any course corrections.

JOEL: Translation - busy work.

CROW: Either that, or helm's running on Windows ME and locked up on
them.

> She was just checking up on the vital systems when a soldier came
> onto the bridge with a report. Frieza looked at it and frowned.

TOM: [Frieza] Hmm... "Dear Krista - I like you. Do you like me?" The
hell?!?

> "All stop," he commanded the helm. Kuao and Krista hastened to obey.
> Both swiveled in their chairs, awaiting further instructions. "At
> ease. Zarbon, you have the bridge. Dodoria, with me."

CROW: We've morphed into Star Trek: Dragonball, have we?

TOM: Please tell me they're gonna blow away Voyager! Please!

> Frieza strode off the bridge. Krista turned back to checking vital
> systems when she felt someone hovering above her.

JOEL: [Krista] Musquo! I thought I told you to stop that!

> The green braid that fell just into her line of view told her it was
> Zarbon.

TOM: Because there couldn't possibly anyone else on the ship with
green braids.

JOEL: [Krista] Ah, green braid! Hi, Zarbon

CROW: [Alien] One - I'm not Zarbon. Two - that's not hair.

JOEL: [Krista] Then what... EWWW!!!

> She could almost see him grinning, even though she kept her eyes
> glued to the panel. "Not bad so far, cadet," he murmured in her ear.
> "But we'll see how you do once we get back to the planet Frieza." He
> chuckled softly. "I think Captain Ginyu will be very pleased to see
> you."

TOM: [Zarbon] The Ginyu's poses haven't been nearly femmy enough
lately.

> She bit her lip to refrain from slipping in a choice phrase or two.
> She murmured something in Japanese and kept on working.

JOEL: [Zarbon] One - I heard that. Two - we have these things called
"translators..."

CROW: [Krista] Oopsie...

> Zarbon, already getting the gist of it, chuckled again and stood up
> straight and walked back over to his chair on the bridge. A few
> minutes later, Frieza strode back in.
> "Helm. Resume course."
> "Aye, sir," Kuao and Krista said in unison as they resumed course.

JOEL: [Krista] Umm...

TOM: [Kuao] Press the button marked "Tb gung jnl."

JOEL: [Krista] Thanks. I guess...

> Kuao smiled at Krista again.
> "You're really getting the hang of this. It took me several days to
> figure it out. Are you sure you haven't done this before?" Krista
> flushed a bit. "Maybe it's the shock of being thrust into this
> situation so suddenly. I learn things quicker."

CROW: [Krista] Than anyone of my age and experience could or should.
It's like someone decided I should be good at this.

TOM: Crow...

JOEL: You're on the wrong end of this one, Tom. She's an SI.
Accept and move on.

TOM: NEVER!

> She and Kuao laughed at this.

TOM: Gallows humor at it's most un-humorous.

CROW: [Krista, laughing] So how long before Frieza finally decides to
blast us?

JOEL: [Kuao] At least not until he smokes W'sley Crushr over there...

> Five and a half hours later, boredom and fatigue were beginning to
> take their toll. They'd encountered nothing in Krista's entire time
> on the bridge, and her shift was about to end.

JOEL: They were kept awake by duty, caffeine, and the threat of
instant death.

> She checked again that there were no disturbances when a flashing
> light caught her eye. Kuao saw it as well.
> "Sir?" he said. "I'm receiving a report of a fire on deck five. Heavy
> casualties." Frieza ordered an all stop again,

CROW: [Frieza] Oh for... Who let Dodoria eat Mexican again?

JOEL: [Dodoria] Umm... I'm right here, sir.

CROW: [Frieza] Well that just makes it worse!

JOEL: [Dodoria] But how...

CROW: SILENCE!!!

JOEL: yessir...

> this time opting to take Zarbon with him from the bridge, leaving
> Dodoria in charge. Dodoria wandered around the stations, checking up
> on everybody. When he reached Helm, he, too, leaned over Krista,
> giving her the oppressive feeling that she was about to be squashed
by a skyscraper.

TOM: Or the Sta-Puft Bubblegum Man...

> Dodoria reached over her shoulder and tapped a few buttons on the
> display, his arm pressed heavily against her chest as he worked.

JOEL: [Moving his arm about] I'm not quite seeing how that works.

TOM: Well... bubblegum sticks, you see. And...

JOEL: Ohh!

> She ignored it until he began to withdraw his hand and gave one
> breast a quick squeeze before walking back to his chair. Krista sat,
> frozen. Her commanding officer hadn't...he couldn't have...

CROW: He did. He could. Anytime he wanted.

TOM: Finally! Some shows some in-character bastardy!

> She looked up as Zarbon and Frieza returned. She looked at her
> display to see that the fire had been taken care of, and that she was
> receiving no more reports of injuries.

JOEL: Frieza having blown everyone except Zarbon into space might
explain that.

> She and Kuao once again resumed course. When her shift ended. She
> stood up and walked rather stiffly off of the bridge. She headed to
> her quarters, where she sat on her bed in some confusion.
> Maybe it was a sign of superiority, or something. She'd misread it
> because on her planet, it meant something different.

CROW: Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time. Quit
moping and move on!

> She was turning over the possibilities in her mind when a bell
> chimed. "Who is it?" she called out.

JOEL: [Muffled] Candygram...

> "Musquo," came a voice. "Can I come in, Krista?"

TOM: [Musquo] I promise I won't shed too much...

> Krista got up and pressed a button next to her door. It hissed open
> and Musquo stepped in. "So how was your first day?"
> "Fine," Krista said cheerfully. She decided not to tell him about
> what Dodoria had done. Musquo seemed pleased.

JOEL: [Musquo] She's clamming up. Eeeexcelent...

> "I'm glad. Zarbon said he was very impressed with the way you handled
> the Helm on your first day." Krista flushed. Musquo smiled.

TOM: She flushed with him right there? Gross!

> "I'm going down to the Rec. Hall. We have a few games down there, I
> can teach you how to play."

CROW: [Musquo] We got Pong, Pong, Pong, and oh yeah, Pong!

> Krista stood.
> "I'm there."

JOEL: No, you're Krista.

TOM: You'd think she'd know her own name by now.

> "So let me get this straight," Mere said, confused. "In this story,
> there is a game played on flying objects called broomsticks called
> Quidditch, and this main character-what did you say his name was?"

CROW: Satan, depending on whom you ask.

> Krista smiled. "Harry Potter."
> "Right Harry potter...is one of the best?"
> Krista nodded. She'd been trying for the past hour to explain Harry
> Potter to Mere. He'd been doing fine until she'd gotten to Quidditch.
> Musquo and Kuao chuckled.

TOM: Once again, I must call foul!

JOEL: Yes, Tom. We know the Harry Potter thing is a little...

TOM: No no no! Not that! I mean... This *IS* Frieza's ship,
correct?

JOEL & CROW: Yeah.

TOM: And from what we've seen before, Frieza's ship - hell, his
entire organization - is filled with thugs, murderers, and generally
miserable bastards, right?

JOEL & CROW: Right.

TOM: So where the Sam Scratch are all these nice, polite, upstanding
citizens coming from?!? Outside of Dodoria, everybody's acting like
the cast of "Saved by the Dragonball!"

CROW: So now we know how a feminine Aura of Smooth works?

TOM: I... You know, I just don't care anymore! Everyone can go off in
their own little directions, Frieza can like a constipated
high-school principal, Zarbon can be the "bad boy waiting to be
tamed", and everyone else can act like extras on a T-NBC sitcom, but
dammit, I've still got good ol' miserable Dodoria! AND YOU CAN'T
TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!!! [Bursts into tears.]

CROW: Okay... Joel, I'm going to back away slowly, then run away
screaming. Please don't be offended.

JOEL: Just let him get it out of his system, okay?

TOM: [Sobbing] It's just not right...

> "I imagine it's not something you can understand unless you read the
> stories.", Kuao said amusedly. Krista nodded.

CROW: Unless you're too busy looking for the witchcraft recruitment
screeds.

> "Most humans have trouble with the concept as well, Mere. It's
> alright." As they were laughing over this, Zarbon quietly strode up.
> Musquo blinked and saluted. "Sir!"
> Everyone followed suit. Zarbon grinned.

TOM: [Zarbon] I never said "Simon says!"

JOEL: Feeling better, Tom?

TOM: Not really, but sobbing my little eyes out won't help.

CROW: But you don't have eyes.

TOM: Quiet, you!

> "At ease, troops. I was wondering if I could have a word or two with
> our new cadet."

CROW: [Zarbon, salaciously] In *private!*

JOEL & TOM: Wakachicka! Wakachicka! Wakachicka!

> Krista paled, but stood and went over to a vacant corner in the hall.
> Zarbon grinned again. "I'm quite impressed. I'm sure your commanding
> officer told you."

TOM: Umm... If the course was pre-set, all she did was sit there!

JOEL: Well, she did sit there and not incite Frieza to blast her.

TOM: There is that...

> "He did, sir," Krista said softly.
> Zarbon nodded. "I've also been made your protector. Gifted fighter or
> not, you may not be able to compare to some of our troops back at our
> home base.

CROW: [Zarbon] Basically, everybody this side of the janitorial
staff.

JOEL: [Random crewman] What about Xirix on level D?

CROW: [Zarbon] Right. Most of the janitorial staff.

> So if you have any trouble with anyone, seriously, let me know."

TOM: Assuming you live that long.

> Krista wondered whether to tell about what Dodoria had done. She then
> decided against it. Ratting out a commanding officer was no way to
> start a career.

JOEL: She'd rather do it the DBZ way. Pick your spot and deliver
white-hot, ki-blasty vengeance!

> She smiled as politely as she could.
> "There's been nothing for me to report, sir."
> Zarbon seemed satisfied with that. HE stood, prompting Krista to do
> so as well.

TOM: "HE?"

JOEL: Don't tell me she's roped God into this?

CROW: [God] Someone had to get this thing moving!

> "Then you're dismissed, cadet."

> Ch. 5

CROW: Keep hope alive!

TOM: Fat chance of that.

> Wish I could believe,
> That you cared for me that way.
> Mirror, mirror speak to me,
> In the night.
> -Opening song, Key the metal Idol.

JOEL: She's really into the musical interludes, isn't she?

CROW: [Grandmotherly voice] You're high on the goofballs, aren't you
dear?

> She awoke the next morning without opening her eyes.

TOM: [Krista] Oh God! Tell me someone slipped a giant teddy bear in
here!

> "It was all a dream," she whispered gleefully. "I dreamed that I'd
> been dragged into space to serve on a ship heading for a distant
> planet I've never heard of."

JOEL: And probably couldn't pronounce.

> The bed she was sleeping on gave a horrible jolt

TOM: And the Red Bull was flat as well.

> and her eyes shot open. She was still on the ship and at the moment
> it seemed to be having a rough time. She glanced at the shift
> monitor. She was due on the bridge in about twenty minutes. She
> pulled on her uniform and began to hurry toward the bridge. She
> bumped into Zarbon on the way. He looked haggard, as if he'd just
> been awakened himself. He gave her a curt nod and ushered her to the
> bridge. She took her post even as Zarbon relieved Dodoria, who had
> been commanding. She realized with a start that Frieza wasn't
> around. She also realized that Kuao wasn't beside her. That was
> short-lived, however, as she saw Kuao rush in and take his post. The
> two of them began frantically working the panels.
> She gasped at what she saw. "Sir...three Shi'ar battle cruisers
> starboard." Zarbon blinked at her, then at the screen.

CROW: [Zarbon] Crap! I thought we escaped all the crossover!

TOM: Hey, if they're passing through Marvel space, maybe Galactus
could show up and wrap this whole mess for us?

JOEL: Galactus versus Frieza. Wouldn't want to be in the
neighborhood for that one.

CROW: I wouldn't want to be in the same solar system for that one!

> "View."

TOM: Regis.

JOEL: Today.

CROW: Maury.

> She pressed a few buttons, bringing the three silver cruisers on
> screen. She heard Zarbon say something in his own tongue, something
> so bad that her translator couldn't put it into Japanese.

TOM: [Zarbon] Jr'ir tbg gur evtug bs jnl, lbh qvaxf!

JOEL: [Krista] Um... Right...

> She turned as Frieza strode in, looking very put out indeed. She saw
> Musquo sneak in behind him and take up his post.

CROW: [Frieza] Musquo, did you try to sneak past me?

JOEL: [Musquo] Er... Yessir?

CROW: [Frieza] That's what I thought... *BOOM!!!*

> "Report!" Frieza snapped. Dodoria sighed.
> "We were passing through a sector when we were bombarded with fire
> from the Shi'ar."

TOM: [Dodoria] Fortunately, we're in space. So it didn't burn long.

> A beeping at her console made Krista swivel back around and take
> notice. "Sir," she said a little hesitantly. "I believe they're
> hailing us." Frieza frowned.

JOEL: [Frieza] Oh, crap! I'm not here! I'm not here! Take a
message!

> "Let's hear it."
> She pressed another few buttons and an image of the Empress Lilandra
> appeared larger-than-life on the viewscreen. "Surrender yourself and
> your ship," she stated simply.

TOM: Playing the part of Lilandra tonight - Deathbird.

CROW: It a little tyrant-esque for Lilandra, isn't it?

> Frieza smirked.

JOEL: As only Frieza can...

> "Your Eminence," he said, spitting out the word with all the sarcasm
> and venom he could muster.

TOM: Which was a real bear to clean up.

> "I do believe you are outgunned. Or would you like me to send my
> Ginyu Force out?" As a piece of bluff, it wasn't very effective.
> Lilandra paled but stood her ground.

CROW: [Lilandra] Two words, horn boy: Imperial Guard.

> "We will send Gladiator out to meet them."

JOEL: That could be interesting...

TOM: For about five seconds, anyway.

> Frieza laughed out loud.
> "In that case, perhaps I should meet him instead. Unless you wish to
> let us continue peacefully to where we were going." Lilandra scoffed.
> "Peaceful? You? It's oxymoronic."

JOEL: It's metaphoralogical!

TOM: It's ironicish!

CROW: It's allegoricalistic!

> Frieza's features turned very ugly.

TOM: ...Er.

> "Either you back off, or I will make you."

JOEL: And the real Frieza breaks through the haze of warm and
fuzzyness.

CROW: [Frieza] What was I doing with all that calm and bemused crap
back there! *THIS* is what I'm good at - Threatening and blastin'!

> Lilandra's lips settled into a fine line and the view disappeared.
> Krista checked her sensors and almost laughed with relief. "They're
> moving away," she announced. Frieza sighed and sat in his chair.

JOEL: [Frieza] Damn! I haven't blasted an armada in a dog's age!

> "Resume course," he said, half amused and half weary.
> Zarbon walked over to her station.
> "How did you know they were Shi'ar?" he asked softly. Krista smiled.
> "I did train with the X-men. They know Lilandra quite well. I learned
> to recognize a Shi'ar cruiser when I saw one."

CROW: [Krista] I can also ID Skrulls, Kree, Jurian...

JOEL: [Zarbon] Good for you.

> "You're doing a good job of impressing me, cadet."

CROW: [Krista] Borg, Brood, Centauri, Klingon, Martian, Galaxy
Police...

JOEL: [Zarbon, through his teeth] Enough already...

> "Our duty is but to serve," she said, quoting an old poem. Zarbon
> ginned and patted her gently on the shoulder before resuming his
> station.

TOM: [Zarbon] That's a good little fembot.

> She turned to Kuao.
> "Mornings aren't always this rough, are they?"
> Kuao chuckled. "Not unless we're flying through a particularly
> hostile region of space," he said good-naturedly.

JOEL: [Kuao] Unless Frieza hasn't had his coffee. Then keep your head
down and pray to your local deity!

> His hair was disheveled, but he looked none the worse for the wear.
> "Things should be smooth for the rest of the trip."
> "I certainly hope so," she said, slightly adjusting their course. "I
> don't wish to become used to being tossed out of my bed each
> morning." Kuao laughed.

CROW: [Kuao] Sorry 'bout that! I had to get back to my room in a
hurry.

TOM: [Krista] But... You weren't in my room last night...

CROW: [Kuao] Oh... Erm... [Starts whistling]

> He watched her. And he grinned, his predatory nature coming to the
> full fore. She was quite the tasty little morsel.

JOEL: Sounds like Musquo's getting hungry.

CROW: Or horny.

TOM: Either way; EWW!

> And he was going to make sure that he had the first taste. After all,
> he was one of the highest-ranking officers in the organization. Who
> was going to stop him?

TOM: When did Frieza add a Kennedy to his crew?

JOEL: Ow! Fifteen for unnecessary roughness!

> Certainly not she, she wasn't nearly a match for him.

CROW: Well, we'll see about that, Mr. Disembodied Voice!

> And he seriously doubted if any being on the ship would stop him if
> they caught him.

JOEL: What makes him think that?

CROW: What makes him think she's a virgin?

TOM: Zing!

> Hell, they might even join in.

CROW: He's doing some serious rationalization, isn't he?

JOEL: Given the tone so far, you know what that means, right?

TOM: Yep...

ALL: That guy's dead for sure!

> "Okay," Mere said. He was determined to understand Quidditch.

CROW: Which is almost as sad as being determined to understand
Klingon.

TOM: K'pla Harry Potter!

> "There are four balls: A Quaffle, two Bludgers, and a Snitch. Is that
> right?" Krista nodded, grinning.

JOEL: [Krista, nervously] Okay... I figured he'd lose interest a week
ago...

> Mere went on.
> "There are seven players to each team. Three Chasers, who use the
> Quaffle to score, two Beaters, who keep the Bludgers from hitting
> their team members, a keeper, who guards the goalposts, and a Seeker,
> who goes after the Snitch?" Krista clapped. "You've got it!!"

CROW: Now can we PLEASE stop talking about it?!?

> Mere whistled. "One human came up with all that. They ought to be
> given a prize."

TOM: <SNORT> One word for you, pal - Calvinball.

> Krista grinned. "Now that we've finally gotten Quidditch out of the
> way, I've got to tell you about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

JOEL: [Krista] We've got more space to fill!

TOM: [Full Sarcasm Mode] Oh, yes! Let's go on and on about Harry
Potter! Oh, I know! Let's talk out the potential love triangle
between Harry, Ron, and Hermione! OOH! GIVE ME MORE OF THAT!!!

CROW: You about done, Tommy?

TOM: For now.

JOEL: Besides, Harry's ending up with Ginny. Everybody knows that.

CROW: Nuh-uh! The lovely Cho Chang ends up with him!

TOM: Uh, guys...

JOEL: How can you say that? To Chang, Harry's just "that famous kid
who keeps staring at me." Ginny's in full on crush mode for him.

TOM: Guys!

CROW: That's what I mean! Chang knows him. She's go out with him
out of sheer flattery! My boy Harry'll take it from there!

JOEL: You are so high, Crow!

TOM: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND READ THE DAMN FIC?!?

CROW: Geez! Sorry!

> Mere raised a brow and Krista laughed. She went on explaining about
> You-Know-Who("It's Voldemort!" "Harry, don' say th' name! This ain'
> even yeh fic!"),

[Pause]

CROW: Okay... That was weird.

JOEL: CROSSOVER RANDOM FOURTH WALL BUSTER!!!

BOTS: Huh?!?

JOEL: Well, I can't let you two get in all the attack riffs, can I?

> not noticing a certain second-in-command staring at her. Zarbon
> sighed. Something in him had twisted out of shape when he'd first
> gotten to know Krista.

TOM: It's called "your personality." Glad you noticed, though.

> Even now, there were several warring emotions within him.
> One was lustful, determined to use Krista only for her body.

JOEL: In other words - your typical, innate guyness.

> One was professional, reminding him that he was, in fact, her
> protector.

CROW: Although he still couldn't understand why.

> He grudgingly admitted that admiration and respect resided in him as
> well, her obvious talents as a fighter and a soldier were obvious.

TOM: Well, of course they are.

> But there was one emotion he refused to identify, to even
> acknowledge.

JOEL: His sense that his whole persona had been altered to fit the
plot.

> Because if he acknowledged it, then he'd have to change a lot about
> himself.

CROW: Yeah - he'd have to go back to his old, cruel, violent,
narcissistic self.

TOM: And his clothes would probably get a bit smudged from that
pent-up blasting spree he's going to go on...

> And right now, he just didn't feel like going through the trouble.
> It was easier to push it down and sit on it.

JOEL: [Fonzie] Ey-yy!

> He glanced over at his counterpart, Dodoria. He smiled as he saw
> that Dodoria was staring at the new cadet as well. He followed
> Dodoria's gaze as the pink officer let his eyes wander up and down
> every curve in Krista's body.

TOM: [Zarbon] For heaven's sake, man! Stop drooling!

CROW: Is he hungry or horny, here?

JOEL: Yes.

TOM: Guys, we already did that one.

JOEL: So? Still works.

> "Quite the looker, isn't she, that one?" Dodoria said suddenly.
> Zarbon laughed outright.

TOM: [Zarbon] Sure - if you're into jailbait.

> "Quite. But don't forget she's a very powerful warrior. I wouldn't
> even pat her on the shoulder without her consent. I'd rather not end
> up in the infirmary, if you know what I mean."

JOEL: Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!

CROW: [Zarbon] I don't get it...

> Dodoria chuckled. "I know," he said. "But that's only power level.
> Physically, she can't compare." Zarbon frowned. "What relevance is
> that?"

TOM: Good question.

JOEL: Yeah, what's the point of being able to pin her down, if she
can just blow your arms off?

CROW: Foreshadowing, gentlemen. Foreshadowing.

> Dodoria only smiled and took another sip of his drink. He sighed.
> I heard that that blunderer Ginyu is holding another open audition.
> More like a circus if you ask me. I don't know why Lord Frieza puts
> up with it."

JOEL: He probably gets a kick out of the flying underlings.

> Zarbon nodded in agreement, but he hadn't missed the fact that
> Dodoria had changed the subject. He knew Zarbon was her protector.
> There was no way he could possibly be thinking of...

TOM: [Zarbon] Modeling? Can he?

JOEL: I don't know. He's got the right body for Lane Gyant...

> He made an internal note to keep a very close eye on both Krista and
> Dodoria. Frieza debated in his mind the wealth of problems he was
> bound to face. There was a reason he normally did not employ women in
> his organization.

TOM: If you ignore those couple thousand female Saiyans, anyway...

> But to pass up this opportunity would have been altogether foolish
> of him. She simply had too much potential.

CROW: As a breeder!

TOM: [Frieza] You just don't find birthin' hips like that on a
teenager!

> And as much as he would like to simply leave her to chance, there was
> something in him that wouldn't let him; something in him that told
> him to protect this girl from the other soldiers.

CROW: It's your inner author! Resist, Zarbon! Resist!!

> He sighed. That damned conscience again, he thought he'd gotten rid
> of that long ago.

JOEL: [Usagi] Not while *I'm* writing this, pal!

> No matter. He'd just decided. She was on her own, save Zarbon. From
> what he'd seen, she could handle most anything that came her way.
> Anything else, well, that's exactly what Zarbon was for.

TOM: And if that "anything else" happens to be Frieza?

JOEL: That's what Zarbon _was_ for.

> Krista sighed as she slipped out of her uniform. She was being given
> the next day off, something she was eternally grateful for.

CROW: Looks like Frieza's going with the "Don't let 'em get
accustomed to the torture" style of management.

> She searched through her wardrobe and came up with

TOM: Lingerie. Lots and lots of lingerie!

JOEL: [Krista] Hmm.. A note... "Wear this tonight or die!" I wonder
if I should tell Zarbon about this?

> the jumper she'd been wearing when she first came aboard.

TOM: Which is all she's got outside of her uniform. But why let that
spoil a good search?

JOEL: Delusions help her through the day!

> She smiled and laid it across the chair in her room. She'd wear it
> tomorrow. Who knew, maybe she'd even get some actual training in.
> Not that it'd be the same...not without being able to go to her
> friends and family and tell them what accomplishes she'd made...

CROW: ...Not without a healthy dose of angst.

> She shook her head and blinked back the tears that had almost fell.
> She wouldn't feel sorry for herself. Not here, and not now.

TOM: And not again.

JOEL: And not ever.

CROW: NOT!!!

> She'd made her choice and now she had to live with it. She glanced up
> at the shift monitor and was startled at how late it was.

TOM: [Krista] Good grief! It's Tuesday!

> She sighed wearily and slipped into her bed. She'd kept the room
> dark, because she was far too tired to deal with the bright lights.
> She realized her mistake, however, when a soft sound jostled her out
> of her light sleep.

JOEL: [Muffled] Candygram...

> It was the sound of someone breathing.

CROW: [Whispering] killkillkillkillkill! youyouyouyouyou!

> Zarbon was on his way to Krista's quarters. Somehow or another, he
> couldn't quell the feeling that Dodoria meant to do something to her,
> and it bothered him.

TOM: Maybe it was the way he kept yelling "I WILL HAVE HER?"

JOEL: Details, details...

> He'd tell her to be careful around Dodoria, and he'd do the rest. He
> sighed wearily as he reached her door. He was working far too much.

CROW: [Zarbon] Um... What is it I do again?

> He had raised his hand to ring the chime when a thud resounded from
> within the room.

TOM: [Zarbon] Hmm... Active sleeper...

> Frowning, he rang the chime.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Avon calling!

> No answer. He rang it again.

JOEL: [Zarbon] AVON CALLING!!

> He ordered the computer to override the locking mechanism, giving
> his authorization code. The door hissed open and Zarbon found
> himself facing a scene of utter chaos.

TOM: A typical teenage girl's room!

JOEL & CROW: *GASP!!!*

> The room was nearly destroyed, pieces of furniture either shoved
> aside or in pieces about the room. The first thing he saw was Dodoria
> in a bent position, his back was still to the door.

CROW: Oh, boy! Brace for incoming wrongness!

> He thought vaguely that he might have gone to the wrong quarters
> until he saw Krista, hands up defending herself as Dodoria ripped
> every ounce of clothing from her.

TOM: Oh goody. She's only in the process of being raped.

JOEL: And the reason she isn't using those free hands to blow holes
in Dodoria is?

CROW: So her knight in braided armor can swoop in and save her.

> Zarbon's face pulled into a snarl and he aimed a blast for Dodoria's
> back, blasting him over Krista's head and into the wall.

CROW: Like that.

JOEL & TOM: OHHH!!!

> He called for backup and for Frieza before kneeling beside Krista and
> examining her with hands that were so gentle he surprised himself.

JOEL: ...With how long that run-on sentence went.

TOM: With how OOC he was being.

CROW: With how P-whipped he was all of a sudden.

> He felt Krista trembling as he checked for any wounds on her. He
> found a cut on her face, his eyes conveying the question to her. She
> managed to answer him, though she could not hide the quaver from her
> voice. "He hit me across the face when I first tried to blast
him..."

TOM: [Krista] I shifted into "Damsel in Distress" mode! It was
horrible!

> She trailed off as she looked up and saw Frieza standing in the
> doorway. She gasped, and unconsciously shrunk back. Frieza stepped
> into the room, his eyes conveying full fury. He aimed a finger in
> Krista's direction, and Krista closed her eyes waiting for the blast,
> but it never came. Looking behind her, she saw that Frieza had
> actually been aiming for Dodoria, whose body had now been reduced to
> a few thin wisps of smoke.

JOEL: Frieza's back in character, I see.

TOM: Maybe he's got some sort of bi-polar thing going on. Sometimes
he's mellow, others he blasts everything in sight?

CROW: Hey! There's absolutely no evidence Frieza likes men!

JOEL: He said bi-POLAR!

CROW: Oh... Never mind.

> She sat, curled up and trembling, in the middle of the floor. She
> looked up in surprise as something was draped across her-the sheet
> from her mangled bed.

TOM: She was further surprised as it wrapped around her neck!

CROW: Kinky!

> She pulled it around her gratefully and tried to stand, only to find
> that her legs couldn't support her weight. She fell to her knees, and
> stayed there like that for a few moments before she was picked up by
> Zarbon and taken to the infirmary. Ch. 6

> Love was out to get me,
> That's the way it seemed.
> Disappointment haunted all my dreams.
> -I'm a believer, from Shrek

JOEL: By way of the Monkees.

TOM: Kids these days...

> "At least we know now she's loyal to the officers," Zarbon said
> sometime later to Frieza. Frieza frowned. "Yes, but at such a cost?"
> He sighed.

CROW: [Frieza] Do you know how much it'll cost to clean the smell of
burnt Dodoria out of here?

> "At least your instincts were right on."
> "I should have pressed her to tell me what was wrong from the
> beginning," Zarbon sighed. "I knew something was wrong..."

TOM: [Zarbon] I should have realized Zarbon constantly muttering
"Get the bitch" might have meant something...

> "Dodoria's gone now, anyway," Frieza said. "Time to find a
> replacement. What a bother."

CROW: How much do you want to bet that we've already met the
replacement?

JOEL: Sucker bet.

> Zarbon said his goodnights and headed to his own room. They were
> nearing home, now, and he'd have to have his wits about him to
> explain to the other men what had happened to Dodoria...and why
they'd
> come back without the Dragon Balls.

CROW: Question - why would they care? It's not like they were
getting anything out of the deal?

JOEL: Besides, wouldn't a simple "because Frieza said so" do?

> He hadn't fully understood it himself at the time. But orders were
> orders, and insubordination wasn't the way to get on Frieza's good
> side.

TOM: He has a good side?

> He looked in surprise as he stopped. He thought he'd been heading to
> his quarters. So why was he in front of the infirmary?

JOEL: It's your inner author again.

CROW: Seek help before it's too late, Zarbon!

> He shrugged. Might as well pay the newly appointed Sergeant a visit.
> He entered and frowned, catching sight of her immediately. She was
> pale, laying on a stretcher. Because no physical damage had been
> done, she did not require a healing tank, though the doctor had
> wanted to keep her around for observation.

TOM: Hello! Counselors? Psychologists? Dealing with the mental
trauma, maybe?

CROW: Feh! Mental health is for wimps!

> One glance at her and Zarbon knew she had been crying.

JOEL: Gee, I wonder why?

> Somehow that disturbed him. It always disturbed him to know that a
> grown woman had been crying. Not that Krista was grown yet, but
> still...

CROW: [Zarbon] Well, if there's grass on the field...

JOEL & TOM: CROW!!!

CROW: Oh like you guys weren't thinking it too!

> He sighed and walked over to her. Though she hadn't made any
> movement, he knew that she'd seen him come in and that he was now
> standing over her. "Hello, Sergeant," he said softly. Krista's eyes
> flew open. "What?"

ALL: HE SAID "HELLO... SERGEANT!!!"

TOM: Why don't they listen? Why don't they ever listen?

> "Because of the loyalty you showed Frieza, even if it was a little
> misguided, in trying to protect his status as an officer, Lord Frieza
> has seen fit to promote you. Congratulations."

TOM: Umm... What loyalty? She didn't say anything because *SHE*
didn't want to cause trouble for herself.

JOEL: There's that DBZ logic again.

> Krista was silent. Zarbon cleared his throat uncomfortably and went
> on. "He's also given you a full week off," he added.

CROW: [Zarbon] Of course, our weeks are thirty-six hours long and you
slept through twelve of them. See you tomorrow!

> "And I'm sorry about the things I said earlier.." he said, guilt
> seeping into his voice for the first time. "Had I known that Dodoria
> would take it so seriously, I would never..."

TOM: [Zarbon] Would've agreed to be in this fic.

> he sighed again, and turned to leave.
> Would never have what? A voice said in his mind. He whirled around to
> face her, eyes wide in shock. Krista's eyes were looking at him
> pleadingly.

CROW: Okay... So she's a telepath, too?

JOEL: Sorta clinches it, doesn't it?

TOM: [Depressed] *SIGH* Yep... Hashiba Krista - I dub thee "Mary
Sue."

CROW: That hurt to admit, didn't it?

TOM: Lots...

> I would never have said anything to that effect, he thought. Please,
> forgive me for it. And I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you
> again.

CROW: [Zarbon] Unless it's me.

> Where had that come from?

JOEL: The script.

TOM: Try and keep up with the class, Zarbon.

> But he knew he meant it. He'd never let anyone hurt her ever again.

TOM: Fine. Then you both die. See if we care?

JOEL: A little bitter, Tom?

TOM: I kept the faith for so long, just to be betrayed by the most
cliché of clichés!

> Krista actually smiled.
> You're forgiven. A facsimile of laughter filled his mind,

CROW: Followed by an email of mirth.

JOEL: And an instant message of joviality.

> and he knew it was Krista's, even as he realized that he'd never
> heard her laugh out loud before.

TOM: It was a sound that would haunt his soul for life.

CROW: [Whispering] The humor... the humor...

> Tell Lord Frieza that I'm grateful for the promotion.
> I will, Sergeant. Rest now. You'll want to enjoy your time off.

JOEL: All ten minutes of it.

> That laughter filled his mind again and then she was gone, and Zarbon
> could see that she'd gone to sleep.

TOM: Man! She must be a narcoleptic or something.

JOEL: Bending people to your will must be tiring.

> Feeling oddly lonely now that she was no longer in his mind, he
> turned and walked to his quarters. "Nichiyoubi wa hitori no hi,
> Peach Pie wo, yaita ato..."

JOEL: Umm... Sure!

TOM: I think she said, "Waiter, my Peach Pie explode with loud
report!"

> Zarbon could hear her singing through the door. He smiled
> unconsciously. She could really sing.

TOM: Oh, come on! She's just piling on the MS clichés now!

JOEL: In for one, in for them all.

CROW: All I know is if small animals start to gather around her, I'm
leaving!

> She must have turned her translator off, though, because he couldn't
> understand the foreign words. "Sentakumono hosu you ni
> shinkokyuu de nesobetta.
> Furueru mune ni te wo ate,
> Miageru, aosugiru sora."*

CROW: So THAT'S what "Smells Like Teen Spirit" reads like!

TOM: [Singing to the tune of "Teen Spirit"] o/~ Sentakumono hosu you
ni... o/~ Good grief, it fits!

JOEL & CROW: o/~ Sora sora sora! So-ra! o/~

> A little loathe to bring this impromptu concert to an end, he rang
> her door chime. The singing abruptly stopped, and Krista appeared at
> the door.

CROW: Naked.

JOEL & TOM: SAAAY!!

> When she saw who it was, a shadow of a smile passed over her
> features.

TOM: Then the Vorlons swooped in and blew it up!

> "Commander. Come on in."
> Zarbon stepped in and raised a brow.
> The walls were plastered with drawings-very well done drawings-of
> different people, different animals.

TOM: And she's probably an skilled poet as well...

CROW: Oh, let over it already! We've read more blatant - and frankly
worse written - SIs before. Why's this one bugging you so much?

TOM: Because - darn it - I never held out faith that long before.
I've been betrayed and it hurts! Leave me alone!

CROW: Well, maybe I will!

TOM: Yeah, and that's pretty good!

CROW: Now I'm givin' it back to you!

TOM: YEAH!

CROW: YEAH!

TOM: <SIGH> Oh, thanks Crow! I needed that!

> He recognized one picture as a group of defenders who had been on
> earth, some of the few women to show up. The only thing that gave
> them away was the short skirts of their uniforms, he thought to
> himself.

JOEL: [Zarbon] I could do without all the tentacles here, though...

> He turned to another picture, of a yellow animal with red spots on
> it's cheeks, and a striped back.

CROW: And tentacles!

TOM: It's Pikachthulu!

> Pikachu, the word floated into his mind. He raised a brow towards
> Krista, who smiled. It's a Pikachu, a pocket monster.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Joy to children, bane to adults.

> At once his mind was filled with a memory that wasn't his:

CROW: [Zarbon as Krista] N-no! No, Mommy! Not the eggbeater! NOT
THE EGG BEATER!!!

> He was running through the forest towards the lake, trying to out-run
> his big brother. He tripped and fell, his long blue hair draping over
> his face. When he picked himself up, he was face to face with a real,
> live Pikachu! He smiled.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Oh wow! She must've been so high right then!

> "Hello, Pikachu," he said softly. "I won't hurt you."
> He reached out to pet it, but a small jolt of electricity jumping
> from the Pikachu's electric sacs in it's cheeks made him think
> otherwise. He stood, heard Touma calling him. He turned and began to
> run back towards Touma, looking over his shoulder one last time at
> the mouse-like pocket monster...

CROW: Who promptly flipped him a Poké-bird!

JOEL: Gotta gesture 'em all!

> Zarbon blinked. "How did you do that?"
> "I'm what's called a mutant," Krista said softly.

ALL: Well, of course you are!

> "That means I have powers not many other humans have."

TOM: [Krista] And extra body parts. But I don't like to talk about
those...

> "That's quite a gift," Zarbon said admiringly.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Blowing up whole planets is fine 'n' dandy! But
Mind reading! That's cool!

> "More like a curse," she said softly. "Mutants are persecuted by
> other humans on earth."

CROW: Umm... Are talking the same DBZ Earth where talking pigs are
commonplace, and the leader of the military is a cat?

TOM: We're knee-deep in "Smile and nod" territory, Crow.

> She shook her head and smiled brightly, dispelling the cloud of
> gloom that had seemed to settle over her in those few moments. "But
> we're not on Earth, are we? What did you come for, sir?"

CROW: Somebody cue the violins!

JOEL: [Director] Mood lighting! We need mood lighting over here!

> "I came to make sure you were all right. You go back on duty
> tomorrow."

TOM: That was one quick week!

CROW: They're running on

> "Don't I know it," she said, sighing. "But I suppose I've got to go
> back sometime." "I think you'll find the bridge a much friendlier
> place now," Zarbon said.

JOEL: [Zarbon] We boosted some furnishings from some planet called...
D'Z NI LAN, I think.

> Krista smiled and nodded.
> "I'm sure I will."
> Zarbon turned and left. As the door closed behind him, he was sure he
> heard

> " Ai suru hito no namae wo
> chiisai yonde mita
> yasashiku yasashiku..."

TOM: o/~ She is the one named Sailor Moon! o/~

JOEL: Umm... No.

> "There she is..."

TOM: o/~ Miss America! o/~

> Jeice chuckled coldly. Word had arrived far before the ship that Lord
> Frieza had taken a woman on board. Jeice hadn't believed it for a
> moment, but now he saw her with his own eyes...

CROW: That Earth women are highly overrated.

JOEL: As an earth male, I take offense to that!

CROW: Bite me, pink boy!

> She looked scared. That wasn't unusual, he thought to himself
> amusedly. Cadets always looked scared. Some didn't survive. He turned
> to Guido. Think Zarbon's put her through the wringer yet?" he asked.
> Guido shrugged, blinking all four eyes.

CROW: [Guido] Don't think so... She can still walk.

TOM: Ooh! Uncalled for!

> "Hard to say," he said, looking closely at Zarbon. "Might have, might
> not have." "In any case," Burter put in. "We'll be sure to introduce
> her, won't we men?" He grinned.

JOEL: [Burter] Oh, I hope she likes me! Is my uniform clean? Is my
skull on straight?

> The men are all staring at me...
> Zarbon smiled a little. That's because they're not used to seeing a
> woman in uniform.

TOM: Outside of the afore mentioned female Saiyans...

> Most of them won't hurt you.
> Most of them??
> A sigh entered her mind.

CROW: [Zarbon] Gods, why do I always get the dense ones?

> Some are like Dodoria...but I did make a promise to you, did I not?
> Don't worry...Zarbon mentally directed her attention to a specific
> group of men sitting together. They are the ones to worry about.
> They're the Ginyu Force, the strongest we have here. They're all a
> match for Lord Frieza himself,

JOEL: If they all jumped him at once.

CROW: And only if Frieza were to lose his mind and forget to
transform.

> and they tend to "rule the roost" if you will. Of course, their
> captain, Here, Zarbon highlighted a tall man standing in the corner.
> Captain Ginyu is the most dangerous one. Though, judging from the
> way you fought me, that may have just changed.

TOM: Go ahead and try it! Oh *pleeeease* go ahead and try it!

CROW: Bitter, maybe?

TOM: My contempt runneth over. Why hide it?

> Zarbon did not bother hiding his amusement from his thoughts. Krista
> wasn't sure if it was amusement regarding the Captain or herself.
> Krista flushed, which only added to the men's amusement. I'm not that
> good...

JOEL: Yet...

TOM: False modesty gets you nowhere, Krista...

> If Lord Frieza saw fit to take you with us, rather than kill you,
> then rest assured, you are that good.

CROW: [Triple H] You're that damn good-ah!!!

TOM: Never do that again, Crow!

> She walked with Zarbon to her new, permanent quarters. Zarbon smiled.

JOEL: [Zarbon] Heh, heh! Time to make my move!

> Krista realized that it was truly the first time Zarbon had actually
> smiled at her, not smirked.

CROW: It frightened her in ways she never dreamed possible!

> "Here is your permanent quarters, where you will be residing during
> your career here. You are allowed to decorate according to your own
> liking, you know," he added, grinning. He turned and walked to the
> door. "By the way, Sergeant," he added over his shoulder. "There's no
> backing out now."

TOM: [Zarbon] We locked all the exits! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

> He left. Krista looked around her (much more spacious) quarters and
> suddenly paled. "What have I done?" she asked herself.

CROW: Written yourself into a DBZ afterschool special. Next
question?

> To Be Continued...

TOM: Three of the scariest words in our vocabulary!

{Crow and Joel grunt in assent}

> (Yes, there is another fic to come. Don't worry, it's summer. It'll
> be up quite soon. Read and Review please, pretty please, por favor,
> sil vous plait, onegai!)

JOEL: No.

CROW: Hell no!

TOM: Ovgr zr, Cvax Tveyl!

> *The opening song for Video Girl Ai. Great show, great OAV. Get it if
> you can.

JOEL: How 'bout if we don't and say we did?

TOM: Let's roll, guys!

{All leave}

[ 6 ]...[ 5 ]...[ 4 ]...[ 3 ]...[ 2 ]...[ 1 ]...[ * ]

JOEL: All in all, that story wasn't so bad, was it?

CROW: Sure... If you ignore the blatant disregard for DBZ canon and that
big ol' hunk of Afterschool special at the end. It was a pretty good
read!

TOM: Decently written, good establishment of plot, and Krista wasn't
really *THAT* bad a Mary Sue. I just wish that it didn't seem like
three or four anime universes got twisted around just to make her that
much more important.

CROW: And one comic book universe.

TOM: Right.

JOEL: It seemed like Dr. Forrester sent this fic more to annoy Tom than
to try to make us crack!

TOM: Strike three on that score, baby!

CROW: But you do realize that there's gonna be a sequel, right? And at
the direction this was heading in, I see a post-coital declaration of
love in Zarbon's future!

TOM: [Bursting into tears] NOOO!!! Not more Mary-Sue clichés! NOOOO!!!

JOEL: That was mean, Crow.

CROW: Just getting back for that whole ram chip thing!

TOM: <SNIFF!> By the way, we've got something coming in on the
hexfield...

JOEL: We do! Who'd be calling us now?

{The Hexfield Viewscreen opens up to reveal a pretty, blue-haired woman
wearing stylized Saiyan armor.}

ALL: Krista?!?

KRISTA: Hi! You all remember me! It's been so long since I've seen you
all, I was afraid you wouldn't!

CROW: Umm... We've met before?

JOEL: Yeah. I mean, we've never seen your name before today's story.

KRISTA: Now that isn't a very nice way to tease you best friend in the
whole world, now is it?

JOEL: Our best... [goes all glassy-eyed, then recovers} Oh, yeah!
Krista! We used to do that thing together!

CROW: Yeah... Yeah! We used to hang out at the mall doing... That
thing!

TOM: Boy we've missed you! So what brings this little visit?

KRISTA: Well, since you were reading "Life's Surprises" tonight - I
figured that I'd ring you up and let you know that everything turned out
okay in the end?

JOEL: It did? I mean, you didn't have any problems with Frieza trying
to blast you or anything like that? Or any problems with Zarbon?

KRISTA: Oh, Frieza? Ah, he's a really sweetie! Once we got to know
each other, he really started to mellow out! Stopped blowing up planets
and everything! And Zarbon! Mmm... Let's just say that there were
never any issues with him.

{A blue-haired, light blue-skinned little girl toddles into view}

GIRL: C'mon, Mommy! Uncle Frieza's about to tell the Planet Vegeta
story again!

KRISTA: Okay, sweetie! Gotta go, guys! Talk to you later! [Hexfield
closes]

ALL: *SIGH!!*

TOM: It was good to see her again, wasn't it!

JOEL; Oh, yeah!

CROW: It was just like old times.

[Pause]

TOM: Umm... What old times?

CROW: And when were we best friends?

ALL. Yeah...

TOM: Guys, I'm feelin' a bit twisted up and violated.

JOEL: Me too... How do you feel, sirs?

{Back at Deep 13, Dr. Forrester is looking a haggard, but still his
normal smug self}

DR.F: Hmm... A nice sense of helplessness and violation. I'd say that
I got my money's worth from that fic. Couple that with the
indestructible Frank, and I dare say this is almost the best day of my
Mad Scientist career! Now, if I could just catch that damn tribble...
[Turns around] Hey, Frank! Any luck with those traps?

FRANK: [Walking in] Nope, but I put up some of those neon lights you had
in storage to try to lure him in. Fuzzy loves bright light!

DR.F: [To self] Neon lights? I... [Loudly] FRANK!!! You didn't install
those super-bug zappers, did you?!? Do you know what'll happen if Fuzzy
even gets near one of those?!?

{As if on cue, there's a giant, crackling zap from the distance. Frank
stands straight up convulsing for a second, then stiffens up and falls
forward onto the console, hitting the button.}

[[FWOOSH!!]]

\ | /
\ | /
--- * ---
/ | \
/ | \

DR.F: [Off screen] *SIGH!*

Mystery Science Freezer [http://home.midsouth.rr.com/msfreezer]

Ep. 1: WWF Smackdown recap
Ep. 2: Scooby Did
Ep. 3: Voyager: S-Space, part 1
Ep. 4: Voyager: Stealth Wedgie
Ep. 5: Violence Aimed Even At Preschoolers
Ep. 6: Brightheart The Cub Sitter
Ep. 7: Sweet Beginnings
Ep. 8: Life's Surprises

Mystery UGoS Theater (Wrestle-centric with saltier language)
[http://dccmm.com/dccmm/wilfmst3k.html]

Ep. 1: Judgment Day 2000 Rant by Scott Keith
Ep. 3: Chris Hyatte's "And Another Thing" 9.25.2000 (Collaboration with
Maple Leaf Mickey and The Big Fred Machine)

<< Will Dr. Forrester manage to resurrect Crow-Frank? Will Joel and the
Bots ever get over their exposure to Krista? Will Krista return? And
what about Scarecrow's brain?!? Find out in the next episode of Mystery
Science Freezer!>>

--
My name is:
____ _
/ ___| | |
| |__ _ __ ___ ___ ____ ___ _ __ | | http://home.midsouth.rr.com/
| __|| '__/ _ \/ _ \/_ // _ \| '__|| | msfreezer (My MSTings)
| | | | __/ __/ / /| __/| | |_| http://dccmm.com
|_| |_| \___|\___||___|\___||_| (_) (Rasslin' and other subjects)

And my anti-drug is porn.

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