[MiSTed] "Manos: In the Name of The Moon" (1/3)
Jen White6
MiSTed by Jen White
Original story by "Anonymous"
[Setting: the former Cartoon Planet set. Extensive renovation is going on. We
see evidence of new backgrounds being constructed. Brak, Zorak, and Space
Ghost are looking around.]
Ghost: [to Brak] Are ya excited?
Brak: Boy oh boy, am I! Who'd'a thought I'd get my very own show?
Zorak: Really.
Brak: [singing] It's The Brak Show, it's The Brak Show!
Zorak: I never thought I'd want to see MORE Scooby-Doo.
Ghost: Zorak, be nice! It's Brak's time to shine now.
Zorak: He wouldn't shine if you hollowed out his head and stuck a candle
inside.
Brak: Bet I would!
Zorak: Would not.
Brak: Would!
Zorak: Let's try it out then.
Ghost: Settle down, kids.
Zorak: [drawing himself to his full 6'6" height] KIDS?
Ghost: Say... I don't see where they're going to put my desk.
Brak: Your desk?
Ghost: My desk. You know, the thing I sit at.
Zorak: And store your smelly meatloaf sandwiches in.
Brak: Ummmm...
Zorak: [To Brak] Your witness, monkey boy.
Brak: Uhhh...
Ghost: They must still be planning the set. Sloppy work - they ought to
know where they're going to put everything BEFORE they set hammer to nail.
Brak: [relieved] Uh, yeah! That's it!
Zorak: [whispering to Brak] You're not going to Heaven.
Brak: [desperately] Shuddup!
[Satisfied with whatever he came here to look at, Space Ghost leads his little
band to the door marked EXIT. It won't open. He raises an arm to blast it in.]
Zorak: Ah ah ah. Remember what the nice man with the shoes and the gloves
said. No more blasting the sets apart or it comes out of your salary.
[Grudgingly Space Ghost lowers his arm]
Ghost: A few lousy fires on the set and they lose their sense of humor
completely.
[Static sounds come from somewhere. The Three Musketeers turn to look. Pan
across to see a monitor sitting on a pillar. Wavery lines squiggle across the
screen.]
Brak: [interested] Huh! What's that?
[Brak sits on a box in front of the monitor.]
Zorak: Every time some screen lights up, I get a BAAAAAD feeling.
Ghost: Why?
Zorak: [irritably] 'Cause *you're* usually on it.
[Text appears on the screen...]
> "Bloody hell!"
Zorak: [hushed voice] We've secretly switched Lokar's coffee blend with
organic fertilizer. Let's see if he notices.
> "Mamo-chan?"
Brak: [singing] Mamo-chan, Mamo-chan, does whatever a mamo can!
> Usagi turned her head, enabling a view of her husband.
Zorak: Which is so much easier than just looking over.
> "Is something the matter?"
Zorak: [Mamoru] Besides being married to *you*?
> Mamoru's lips tightened and his face was pale.
Zorak: [Mamoru] I can't *believe* I got drunk enough to marry that little
whiner!
> Usagi could concur
> with his anger.
Ghost: We have a second. One more and the motion will be carried
unanimously.
> Finally, the two had received a well-deserved vacation,
> Only to be further hindered by inadequate maps and Mamoru's mediocre driving
> skills.
Ghost: All right, I'm betting that Lokar wrote this.
Zorak: Yeah. Anyone else woulda just said "They got a vacation, but their
map sucked and Mamoru was an idiot behind the wheel."
> At this rate, the two would *never* find the Valley Lodge!
[Stunned silence. Space Ghost, Brak, and Zorak look at each other in wordless
dread.]
> The sound of Chibi-Usa's intolerably squeaking snoring was heard in
> the back.
Ghost: However, it was not heard in the front because they had the radio
blasting "The Best of Queen."
> Finally, the brat had taken a hint of the oncoming arguments and
> taken a nap. A blessing on both their parts.
Zorak: Oh, yeah. THIS is a healthy family, I can already tell.
Ghost: What would you know about healthy families? *You* would just bite
her head off, if I know you!
Zorak: So what's your point?
> Mamoru once again mumbled a string of incoherent vulgarities;
Brak: [Yosemite Sam] Arsha-fardin' dagnab ding bingit!
> something Usagi was quite tired of listening to.
Ghost: [Usagi, singing over Mamoru] I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTE-O OF A MAN,
SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO!
> If time away from battling
> the Nevaverse would be spent with an obnoxiously proud husband and a
> headache inducing child in the back-seat, what was it all worth?
Ghost: It's STILL better than babysitting a bunch of ex-villains year in
and year out.
> She
> suddenly began wishing for an onslaught of Negaverse cronies.
Zorak: Is that a cue or what?
> Oh, was she in for a devilish surprise.
Zorak: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Ghost: What was THAT for?
Zorak: General principles.
>
> _____
Brak: Is this a Mad Lib? Can we do a Mad Lib? Please! I wanna do a mad
Lib!
Ghost: All right, Brak. Do a Mad Lib. Knock yourself out.
Brak: Oboy! Lets start with an adjective! Um... grungy!
> /* Beloved Manos: The Hands of Fate theme */
>
Brak: [whispering] Oh no...
> "MANOS: In the Name of the Moon"
>
Zorak: In the name of the moon, I will kick the hinder of whoever wrote
this!
> _____
Brak: Here's a noun. Billionaire!
>
> Pensive, the man in dusty beige clothing stood outside of the
> Master's household like a grotesque scarecrow.
Brak: Hi, Pensive! Which way to the Emerald City?
> He slumped forward, using
> his cane for support. His constantly shivering hands stroked his bushy
> beard and with a nod of approval, he glanced upon the outstretch of barren
> wasteland.
Ghost: [Pensive] This'll make a lovely calendar picture.
> The sun would fall soon. Yes. Yes.
Zorak: And then the Earth will be plunged into everlasting darkness!
> "Hmm?" he said. WhAt Is ThAt oVeR tHeRe...?"
Zorak: It's the caps lock key. Go play with it.
> His eyes did not deceive him.
Ghost: Though they may have occasionally misled him by withholding
information.
> His eyes caught a car
Brak: [Pensive's eyes] TAXI!!
> winding down
> the dirt track toward the household, prudent and slow.
Ghost: Ah yes, the Valley Lodge at the corner of Prudent and Slow. I was
there once. I hear it's become a tourist trap.
> He was not able to
> pinpoint the type of automobile it was, mainly due to the fact that the
> Master did not approve of such technological monstrosities.
Zorak: Meaning that it was an Edsel.
> It swerved to
> the side momentarily, then returned to its course toward Torgo.
Zorak: [singing] Here he comes, here comes Spaz Racer, he's a demon on
wheels!
> The Master would not like this. Not at all.
Ghost: Maybe he should break the news to The Master gently, after dinner.
> Then, through the dirty windshield, Torgo took a tantalizing glimpse
> of the woman sitting on the front passenger side.
> A lecherous grin spread across his face.
Brak: [ominously] Nuh-nuh-nuh-NUUUUH!
>
> _____
>
Brak: 'Nother adjective! Mauve. I like the sound of that. Mmmmmmmmauve.
> The couple remained in their car, motionless, in fear of the man
> outside.
Ghost: Hairy men can only see you if you move. Stay perfectly still in the
car and don't make a sound, and he won't know you're there.
> His repulsive appearance resembled that of a whiny,
Zorak: Chibi-Usa had found her long-lost brother at last.
> and his clumsy
> posture did not help.
Brak: [falsetto] You stand up straight, young man, or it's no dessert for
you tonight!
> Plus, to both their horror, the man bore a pair of
> abnormally bulging kneecaps, jutting outward like hilltops.
[All stare for a moment.]
Ghost: Big... *knees*?
Zorak: Oh no! I'm scared! Keep the big knees away from me, Brak!
> His disturbing
> smile did not further convince them of his reliability.
>
Ghost: Now that they'd looked up from those captivating legs.
> /* Haunting Torgo theme */
>
Brak: [Torgo, singing] I LoVe YoU, YoU lOvE Me, We'Re OnE haPpY FaMiLy...
> The stranger staggered toward the car, each step seeming to be an
> unbearable labor.
Brak: Push! Now breathe, and push again!
> By the time he reached Usagi and Mamoru, the man was
> wiping the sweat from his brow, breathing heavily.
Ghost: Guess Torgo shouldn't've worn his rubber jumpsuit in the middle of
summer.
> Promptly, the two
> opened their doors and removed themselves from the car.
Zorak: Oh, yes. When ya see something scary, the first thing you wanna do
is make sure it can get at you.
> "CaN I HeLp YoU wItH sOmEtHiNg...?" he stuttered, his voice uneven.
Ghost: In fact, there was something decidedly *odd* about that voice.
> "Um... yes, we're looking for the Valley Lodge. My wife and I are
> on vacation and we would like to get there before dark, so if you coul--"
Zorak: [Mamoru] -could take this kid off our hands, we'll be on our way.
> "ThErE iS nO wAy OuT oF hErE," was the retort. "iT'lL bE dArK
> sOoN. ThErE iS nO wAy OuT oF hErE."
Brak: Someone nudge Torgo. His needle's stuck.
> "Damn!" Mamoru shouted. "Honey, I don't know what we can do..."
Brak: [Usagi] You can swirl your cape around and throw flowers, and I can
put on my magical makeup!
> Uneasiness surged through Usagi as the stranger turned his head in
> her direction.
Ghost: It wouldn't have bothered her, except he was holding his head in his
hands.
> Somehow, the man appeared as if he were attempting to be
> seductive; holding a wavering stance and a gruesome smile.
Zorak: For a frat boy, that *is* seductive. Heck, that's probably how
Usagi and Mamoru got married in the first place.
> Usagi could say
> no more than, "I don't know..."
Brak: [Usagi] ...where string cheese comes from.
Ghost: [Usagi] ...how I manage not to get my pigtails caught in car doors.
Zorak: [Usagi] ...why I can't stop dyeing my daughter's hair with Kool-Ade.
> Mamoru turned his attention back to the stranger. "And who are you,
> sir?"
>
Brak: [Brad Majors] Your twin brother, and your accuser!
> "I aM tOrGo... I tAkE cArE oF tHe PlAcE wHiLe ThE mAsTeR's AwAy...."
Brak: Uh uh! It's "wHiLe ThE mAsTeR *Is* AwAy"!
[Both Space Ghost and Zorak look at Brak.]
Brak: Well, that IS what he says.
> "Master, huh?" Mamoru inquired. "Think he would mind if we stayed?
Zorak: He wouldn't mind if you sat, rolled over, or played dead.
> Afterall, I know he's not here, but..."
Ghost: [Torgo] WhIlE ThE CaT iS AwAy ThE MiCe WiLl PlAy.
> Once again, Torgo interupted. "ThE mAsTeR wOuLd NoT aPpRoVe oF
> yOu...
Brak: [Torgo] It Is AfTeR LaBoR DaY AnD YoU aRe WeArInG BlAcK bEfOrE
6:00.
> BuT tHe WoMaN... sHe MaY sTaY..."
Ghost: Or she may not. Women! You can never tell with 'em.
> Before Mamoru could make his fevered retort,
Zorak: Or before he could say anything, either.
> the sound of an opening
> door was heard and a roused Chibi-Usa tottered forward, gingerly rubbing her
> eyes with her left hand as she held Luna against her chest with the other.
Zorak: [Chibi-Usa] Mommy! Daddy! I got cat fur in my eyes again!
> Torgo's eyes widened at the sight of her, as if such a development was
> unexpected.
Ghost: [Torgo] A MaN AnD A WoMaN, WiTh a *ChIlD*? HoW DiD *tHaT* HaPpEn?!
> "ChIlDrEn... ThE mAsTeR dOeS nOt aPpRoVe Of ChIlDrEn..."
Zorak: [Torgo] ThE MaStEr ApPrOvEs Of ClOnInG.
> "But the Master isn't here! Now, what do you say... could we just
> stay for one night? Just to have a bed to sleep on for the night?"
Ghost: [Mamoru] and a roll-out cot for Chibi-Usa, and a box for the cat...
> Mamoru's insistence became frantic.
Brak: [Mamoru] But first, a BATHROOM!
> "But, Mamo-chan... I don't want to stay here."
> "Hush, darling!"
Ghost: Let the menfolk make the decisions, dear. Don't worry your pretty
little head over it.
> Chibi-Usa yawned and blinked audibly.
[Zorak blinks especially loudly - *bloonk-bloonk*]
> Luna meowed.
Zorak: Zorak yawned.
> "VeRy WeLl..." Torgo murmured with a troubled sigh. "PlEaSe, ShOw
> Me To YoUr BaGs..."
>
Zorak: [Mamoru] Torgo, meet Usagi; Usagi, meet... oop, that's not what you
meant, is it?
> _____
>
Brak: 'Nother adjective. Um... tacky.
> Marylin and Adam were at it again. The side of the desert road had
> become their official 'make-out' place for quite some time now, and things
> were not apt to change.
Ghost: They had conceived their three children on that stretch of the road.
> The two kissed with a feverish passion, taking
> brief interludes only to take a sip from Adam's flask of whiskey.
Brak: Is that what dating is like?
Ghost: No, Brak. That is... dirty, and nice people don't date like that.
Zorak: [Whispering to Brak] After we read this, I got a videotape for ya.
> The merging of lip and tongue became so passionate, so distracting,
Brak: P.D.A!
> that not even the din of the oncoming police siren discontinued their
> make-out session.
Ghost: Their session was scheduled from 8:00 to 9:00, and he had paid for
the full hour in advance.
Zorak: A date with Dot Matrix.
> Only whenever there was a tap upon Adam's shoulder did he
> release himself from her lips, regretting every second of it.
[Brak makes a "POP" sound with his finger in the side of his mouth.]
> He glanced upward at the police officer. The cop's cloping gut
> seemed offset by his smaller head.
Ghost: Cloping gut?
Brak: Cloping gut?
Zorak: Cloping gut?
Brak: It's only a model.
Zorak: Ssh.
> Beads of sweat covered his face atop his
> nose and brow.
Ghost: He has *another* face up there?
> It was apparent such an occupation was a handful in this
> barren desert, especially for three-hundred or so pound middle-aged men.
[Zorak looks at Space Ghost and smirks.]
> His badge informed the duo of his name--Earl.
Zorak: [Earl] Hah, ah'll be yore stereotahp fore th'day. Y'all.
> "Shouldn't you two be taking these personal matter elsewhere?" Earl
> said, his voice dry.
Ghost: In contrast to his nose and brow.
> "Ah, c' mon, copper. It's a free country!" the boy claimed.
Zorak: Tell that to the nice man from the IRS.
> "Now, now... rules is rules..."
Brak: [Earl] Ah figgered that out mahself.
> Grumbling and cursing under his breathe, the drove away.
Brak: The drove away? Is that like the drive-in that used to be there?
> Earl
> watched them do so, bemused, and returned to his car, accompanied by his
> partner and life-long friend, the ever-so-gangly Otto.
Zorak: [Earl] I hate it when these kids take *our* spot.
> "More kids makin' out on the side of the road?" Otto asked in pure
> cynicalism.
Ghost: That should be "cynicality."
Zorak: Uh-uh. "Cynicalness."
> "Yup," Earl answered. "Nothin' ever happens in this town."
>
Zorak: Well, gee, maybe if you didn't run everyone off with the Puritan
Patrol something WOULD!
> _____
>
Brak: Verb ending in "ing". Falling.
> As Torgo shuffled across the creaky boards
Ghost: To Buffalo.
> , taking there two
> tremendous bags of clothing and other miscellaneous whatnot into the guest
> bed-room,
Ghost: Who knows what mysteries lie within those two *tremendous* bags!
Unidentified bottles of shampoo... fascinating changes of underwear...
shocking spare rolls of film!
> Mamoru looked upon the wall. There hung a picture, of a man in
> his middle-ages.
Ghost: He wore a tunic, a codpiece, and a jerkin on his bodkin.
> His dark, deep-set eyes, thick mosuatche, his moody sneer,
> the black and red robe that loosely fit across his body, not to mention the
> hound that sat next to him; all made him look terribly sinister.
Zorak: That reminds me, Space Ghost. Alice Cooper called.
Ghost: We do not even joke about that, Zorak.
> Usagi
> soon joined his side and shuddered.
Brak: [Usagi] It's gonna take a while to get used to being Siamese twins.
> "What a horrible man... is that the Master?"
Zorak: [Mamoru] You're reading the same program I am, bubblehead! Why're
you askin' me?!
> "I don't know," was Mamoru's reply. "But whoever he is--"
Brak: I bet he ain't friends with the photographer any more.
> His sentence was broken off into a gasp. Something had lightly
> tapped against his shoulder!
Brak: Oh noooooo! Someone wants to tell them something! I'm scared!
> Mamoru quickly turned into a half-circle
Ghost: [Mamoru] I am Mr. Geometry! Fear me!
> and
> noticed Torgo, grinning mischieveously, cane in hand.
Brak: [Torgo] MiNd If I ShOw YoU My ShUfFlE-StEp, I've BeEn ReHeArSiNg It
FoR ThE TaLeNt ShOw ThIs WeEkEnD.
> Mamoru tried to
> return the smile, though he felt as if he had failed miserably.
Zorak: He couldn't get a refund, only an exchange on a smile of equal or
lesser value.
> Torgo croaked, "ArE yOu CuRiOuS aBoUt oUr MaStEr...?"
Brak: [Usagi] Actually, I was wondering how you just zapped that fly out
of the air with your tongue.
> "Well...I guess you could say that," Mamoru said. His curiousity
> was overwhelming. "Where is he?"
Ghost: [Mamoru, monotone] My curiosity will not let me rest until you tell
me all about The Master.
> "He'S dEaD... bUt NoT tHe WaY yOu KnOw It... He Is WiTh Us
> AlWaYs..."
Zorak: [Torgo] SeE ThAt UrN On ThE MaNtElPiEcE?
> Usagi shook her head, "But I thought you said he was dead. Then...
> how..."
Zorak: They burned him so he'd fit, nimrod.
> Torgo snapped back, "He'S nOt DeAd ThE wAy YoU kNoW iT..."
Ghost: How many ways are there to be dead?!
> There was a brief silence, followed by the distant howling of
> wolves. Or at least... they thought they were wolves.
Zorak: Or it could have just been a tape of a dog barking, played over and
over.
> "I'd best go try to fix the car while it's still daylight. Torgo,
> would you mind showing my wife and child to our room?
Ghost: [Mamoru] There's an extra five in it for you if you get us one with
a king-sized bed.
> I'll be back in a
> moment." He followed his statement with a small kiss on the cheek, then
> showed himself out.
>
Brak: Before Torgo could kiss him back.
so sez Jen "Call me MiSTer!" White.