[MSTing] Day of the Hunter

[Mike Nelson]

Subject: [MSTing] Day of the Hunter
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Summary:
Keywords:

[MSTing] "Day of the Hunter"

MSTing by Mike "Nelson" Gulick

Insert standard Disclaimer about how I don't own any of these characters,
I am using them without permission, yadda yadda...

Note: This is my first MSTing, so try to be gentle when you critique it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(6) {5} [4] /3\ |2| <1>

[As the door sequence ends, we see Mike is sitting alone in the SOL
reading a book, Crow and Tom then walk in.]

Crow: I firmly disagree with you this time, Tommy Boy. An Imperial
Star Destroyer could kick the Enterprise's butt into next tuesday.
Tom: Your obviously not thinking clearly on this one my beaked
companion. A single phaser blast and a round of photon torpedoes
could blow a Star Destroyer to bits.
Crow: Let's ask Mike.
Tom: Mike, could you please tell Crow that I'm right and he's wrong?
Crow: No, tell Servo here that I'm right and he's garbage.
Tom: Hey!
Mike: Keep it down you guys. I'm trying to read the novelization of the
original Star Wars here.
Tom: Oh great! Another pro-Star Wars!
Mike: I'm surprised you aren't too after all the Star Trek fanfics we've
had to go through.
Tom: Oh yeah. Thanks for the prospective, Mike
Mike: That's what I'm here for buddy

[Commercial sign flashes]

Crow: I hate to interupt this touching scene, but we have commercial sign
Mike: Oh. We'll be right back

[Commercials]

[Back to the SOL, the whole crew is on deck and they are engrossed in an
interesting conversation]

Tom: Luke Skywalker, by far. No one could handle the force like him.
He was the ultimate hero!
Mike: Welcome back. We're just trying to figure out what our
favorite characters from the Star Wars trilogy are. So Crow, what's
your favorite?
Crow: Had to be Han Solo. The guy was rustic, rebellious, and had the
best looking blaster of the whole movie
Tom: Couldn't hold a candle to Luke
Crow: Could so!
Tom: Could not!
Mike: Guys, enough already. Gypsy, what's your favorite?
Gypsy: Richard Basehart!
Crow: Didn't he play the rancor?

[Gypsy goes away crying]

Mike: Nice going, Crow. It'll take days to get her out of her room
Tom: Anyways, what's your favorite, Mike?
Mike: Had to be Boba Fett. The guy was the meanest Bounty Hunter ever.
I even cried when he fell into the Sarlacc

[The bots break out laughing]

Mike: Hey guys, come on. Anyways, the rednecks are calling

[Deep 13]

[Deep 13 is in a state of chaos as the mole people are running around with
various electronic gizmos. Forrester is telling them to go here and do
that when he notices that the SOL is watching]

Forrester: Oh, hello Boo Hoo Nelson. I really don't have much time to
talk. I'm trying to get things organized down here. It is
rather an interesting coincindence that you are discussing Star
Wars characters, of which the Emperor was unsurpassable...

[SOL]

All: Oh boo!

[Deep 13]

Forrester: ...Anyways, as I was saying, todays experiment is a Star Wars
fanfic called "Day of the Hunter". I had it downloaded
esspecially for your non-enjoyment

[SOL]

[Lights flash]

Mike: We've got FANFIC SIGN!

(6) {5} [4] /3\ |2| <1>

[Theatre]

Crow: Darth Vader wasn't that bad, either
Tom: How about Lando?
Mike: Okay guys, it's starting

>
>

Crow: What is this, dramatic pause?
Tom: It doesn't help

>"Day of the Hunter"
>Arouk Bouk-Bousa

Mike: I went to school with a Bouk-Bousa. He would stick straws up his nose

>
> I write this story not for fame or vanity.

Tom: But for extreme torture

> I write this as a
>testament for myself,

Crow (in deep booming voice): Moses, write my commandments

> because I can hardly believe what has
>transpired.

Mike: Or perspired...
Tom: Or expired

> You may believe or disbelieve it as you wish;

Crow: I wish you would just get it over with

> but I can
>only tell you my experience, and let you decide for yourself.

Tom: Is this one of those "What do you, the viewers think?" things
Mike: I sincerely hope not

> I live in the triple-sun Arius system, on the planet of
>Borru. There, I am a bacta grower and developer.

Crow: So bacta is a futuristic film developing fluid?

> Not a glamorous or
>rich business, but stable.

Tom: Bacta must be a new race of horse

> There's always fighting, always wounding,

Mike: Oh no, the Bouk-Bousas have struck again!

>and always a need for healing. That was my life;

Tom: Or what was left of it

> that -- and my wife
>and two sons Maric and Janill.

Crow: Which I stalk and hunt for sport and fun
Mike: Thus the title, "Day of the Hunter"
Tom: I doubt this will have so simple a solution

> One day, I was flying the skyhopper

Mike: You would think a skyhopper just hops but it flies, too

> to Mat Matra, the main
>marketplace of the planet. I was journeying to pick up our weekly
>supplies and spare parts.

Tom: Ironically, he broke down on the way and had no replacements

> Suddenly, an intense light blinded me, and
>the hopper's controls became unresponsive.

Crow: Much like the rest of the story

> It seemed that something
>had hit the rear thrusters; but fortunately I was able to make a
>relatively safe landing in a mandora patch,

Mike: When you grow mandoras, how far apart do you have to put the patches?
Tom: Aren't mandoras a type of orange?
Mike: No, that's mandorin

> about 10 kilometers
>out of the market-city.

Crow: Is it a market or a city?

> I climbed out of the hatch, and began to look around for
>whatever had hit me. The third sun, Aroul, was rising above the
>horizon.

Tom: Oh, now he's blaming the sun

> Within the hour, all three suns would be evenly dispersed
>across the sky, leaving no shadows or shading on the landscape.

Mike: That kind of eliminates the artistic qualities of the setting,
doesn't it?
Crow: Matches the elimination of reading qualities

>This phenomena happened once a month, when our planet orbited in this
>exact location. The intense light gives the mountains and lakes an eerie
>two-dimensional look. It was an illusion; everything looked surreal
>and artificial.

Tom: How does this further the plot?
Crow: What plot?

> Before I had a chance to enjoy this scenery, I saw
>what must have fired upon me.
> A medium-sized attack ship was landing before me, a strange
>but evil looking vessel. As the lifters settled the ship only meters
>from me, I could not decide whether to run or face this attacker.

Mike: Run, Forrest, run!

> I
>was in the middle of nowhere; where could I flee? Besides, if the
>pilot had wanted me dead, he would have done more than take out my
>thrusters.

Crow: He would have made me sit through another Bob Hope Special

> The ship landed, and the rear hatch opened. An armored
>humanoid staggered out, obviously wounded.

Crow: Or drunk

> I heard him rasp through
>his helmet speaker, "I had to stop you. I need help-"

Mike: Alcoholics Anonymous is just the thing he needs

> At this point,
>he fell to the ground, apparently unconscious. I had half a mind to
>leave the bastard to die.

Tom: No, he just had half a mind

> But, my life was growing healing
>for others, and I couldn't very well let this one die on me.

Crow: I think he could
Mike: Me, too
Tom: Yup

> This was a bounty hunter, no doubt. The man was adorned with
>several weapons, including a rocket mounted on his back. He wore a
>helmet which appeared to have sophisticated tracking and firing
>devices.

Tom: Either that or really neat shades

> He also wore green and gray armor, which if I didn't know
>better,

Crow: I can't. It's too easy!

> I'd say went back to the clone wars. This was a mysterious
>individual indeed.

Mike: That sounded an awful lot like Boba Fett
Tom: Aww. Don't cry
Crow: We're here for you, Mikey
Mike: Okay guys, that's enough
Tom: Let's go
Mike: I'll never be able to mention anything to you guys again

(6) {5} [4] /3\ |2| <1>

[SOL]

Tom: You know guys, I never thought anyone could botch Star Wars so bad
Crow: I know what you mean. George Lucas must be turning over in
his grave
Mike: George Lucas isn't dead
Crow: Really?
Tom: I think you meant Steven Spielburg
Mike: He's not dead either
Crow: Ron Howard?
Mike: Nope
Tom: Joel Shumacher?
Crow: James Cameron?
Mike: Nope, Nope
Tom: Boba Fett?

[Bots start laughing]

Mike: Allright, that's enough with Boba Fett. We've got comercial sign

[Commercials]

[Theatre]

Mike: You guys are really pushing it
Crow: Come on, Nelson. Get a sense of humor. will you?

> My ship was unflyable now. I dragged the hunter back onto his
>ship, noticing blaster holes in his side and left leg. I went to the
>cockpit and examined the controls.

Tom: Watson, I do believe they are controls
Mike: How do you do it, Holmes?

> Nice ship, but not too
>complicated. I managed to lift off and fly the short distance back to
>my home

Crow: Not understanding the concept of landing, Bouk-Bousa crashed
the ship into his home and everyone died in a fiery inferno.

> I commed my wife

Tom: I don't even want to know

> to get a bacta tank ready, and cut her off
>when she started to demand an explanation.

Mike: Mr. Bouk-Bousa is constantly annoyed by his wife's constant
nagging so, one day, he hauls off and shoots her

> I arrived home to see my
>wife worriedly, and my sons excitedly, waiting for me. I opened the
>hatch, and Mark and Janill carried the man to our home, and set him
>down by our low-level medical droid.

Crow: Bacta farming doesn't pay to well so he couldn't afford a high
level medical droid

> Nothing too sophisticated, more
>a diagnosis machine than anything else.
> As I fumbled

Tom: He's not exactly NFL material, is he?

> to remove his helmet, the man grabbed my hand.
>"No." was all he said. I was more than a little irritated at this
>point.

Mike: He was exasperated
Crow: He was enunciated
Tom: He was elated
Mike: He was inspired
Crow: He was illuminated
Tom: He was irritated
Mike: No, no. He already used that
Tom: Oh, sorry

> "Hm. You cripple my ship, almost kill me, demand medical
>attention, but don't want me to see you face? Fine, lie there and
>bleed to death."

Crow: He gets irritable when he can't his daily keg from the cantina

> Although I couldn't see his eyes, I could feel an
>icy glare.

Tom: Will someone turn off the a/c. It's freezing in here

> Finally, he let go, but nodded towards my family and said,
>"They must leave."
> I nodded to my family, and they reluctantly departed. I
>turned back and said, "What's your name, friend?"

Mike: He had just threatened to leave him to die and now they're friends?

> No reply. I shrugged, and went back to his helmet, releasing
>the catches. With more than a little nervousness, I lifted the helmet
>of his shoulders.

Crow: Shouldn't it have been on his head?

> What I saw I can never forget, not in a million
>years, not through a million black slumbers.

All: Huh?

> If I tried to describe
>to you what I saw, you would never understand, never believe.

Tom: Never care

> I can
>only say that if I never see that face again, it will be too soon.
> I removed the rest of the armor carefully, wary of hitting any
>of the myriad

Crow: Mike, is he using confusing and seemingly educated words to cover
for the fact that his story is as dumb as a brick?
Mike: Probably

> of little switches and buttons covering his arms and
>hands. Assuming him to be a hunter, I knew that these devices were
>not designed to instill delight and happiness to the recipients.

Tom: Oh, I don't know. They seem to be the most interesting thing in
the story so far

> With
>the help of the medical droid, we hoisted him into the bacta tank, and
>let my bacta work it's magic.

Crow: Trumpy can do magic!

> I knew he would be there for several
>hours, so I left him.

Mike: Divorces usually happen like this

> Once out in the general living quarters with my family, I was
>immediately besieged with questions.
> "Enough! I'll tell you all I know, if we live through this. I
>want you three to leave immediately."

Tom: Everyone's leaving in this story

> With much resistance, I corralled them

Crow: Yeehaw! Get along there little doggies!

> into the
>bacta-transporter, and watched them leave. They agreed to stay
>overnight at my brother's inn, at Man Matra.

Mike: Please tell me these names are only made up

> As they left, it dawned
>on me that if I ever wanted to see them again, I might have to do the
>difficult thing.

Tom: So he decided to skip the difficult thing and just never see them
again

> I grabbed my laser rifle, checked the charge, and
>walked back to the bacta tank.
> I took aim at the tank, knowing I could make sure that no harm
>came to me or my family.

Crow: He just went through all the trouble to save him, now he's going
to kill him? This Bouk-Bousa is some kind of psycho, isn't he?
Mike: Yup

> But I couldn't do it. He was floating
>there, helpless. But there was another thing.

Tom: I realized that I loved him

> He was obviously in
>top condition, yet there was something different about him.

Crow: His head wasn't were it should have been

> There was
>a cool deadliness surrounding him, almost taunting me. Now I wonder,
>did I not pull the trigger out of pity, or fear?

Mike: Or stupidity?

> If I wasn't going to kill him, I wanted to at least know what
>he was.

Tom: Isn't that what we all want to know, what are we?

> I walked back to his ship, and entered once again, this time
>more slowly. The ship was Spartan and practical.

Crow: A big improvement from the story it's in

> I began to look
>through the holds, and found some very strange and foreign things.

Mike: Stories that are actually good

>There were caskets of spices and rare crystals. One hold seemed to be
>his "trophy" room, with skeletons of bizarre creatures and scalps of
>some large, hairy creatures.

Tom: I can't believe it! He took this right out of Predator 2!
All: Boo!
Crow: Shame on you Bouk-Bousa
Mike: How low can you get?
Tom: I don't know but he seems to have gone lower

> Could have been wookies, or vendalas, I
>suppose. This hunter must have seen a hundred worlds, and thousands
>of lifeforms.

Crow: None have been as boring as Bouk-Bousa, I bet

> What adventures had he lived? What changes in the
>universe is he witnessing?

Mike: Don't tell me he's going philosophical on us

> I came upon one hold, and saw a strange device. It looked
>like a vegetable carbon- freezer,

Tom: Keeps carrots crisp and lettuce fresh. Only $19.95 if you order now

> yet it appeared that there was a man
>inside. With disbelief, I looked at the control panel, and indeed,
>this freezer was holding a human at a barely livable temperature.

Crow: Well we're sitting through a barely livable fanfic. What's the
difference?

>This was too much. Hunter or not, he had no right to do this to
>another human. I reached for the controls to begin the thawing
>process-

Mike: I'll bet he doesn't even know how to tie his shoe laces, let alone
begin the thawing process

> As my hand came close to the panel, I heard steps coming up
>the ramp. Before I could react, I was staring into that blank visage,
>the invisible glare once again beaming from the helmet.

Tom: You know, those Star trek fanfics are looking better all the time
Crow: Yeah. At least those were semi-understandable
Mike: Well...

> He was
>completely armored again, and appeared healthy; but in only half the
>time it should have taken. "How did you heal so-"

Tom: No, no. It's Do, Re, Mi, Fa, then So

> "Get off my ship, before I change my mind." was his sole
>reply. The voice still haunts me

Crow: That and the fact that he was not wearing pants

> ...no emotion, no anger, no threat.

Mike: No plot

>A simple warning.

Tom: It would need to be simple for this guy to understand it

> I realized that he would have no compuncture from
>killing me right there. I simply stood up and walked away, never
>looking back at him.

Crow: I don't know about you guys but I would have shot him in the back
right then and there
Mike: I would
Tom: Count me in

> I know that my life was spared only by a sort of
>barbaric code-of-honor of the hunter. There would be no future favors
>or returns.

Crow: You have to make a deposit if you expect returns

> My life was my gift.

Tom: Pretty lousy gift, if you ask me

> As the ship lifted off, the weight
>of a thousand banthas lifted from my shoulders. The ship soon became
>a speck, then...nothing.

Mike: Much like this story has started to become
Crow: "...has started to"?

> Walking back to my home, I felt relieved,
>exhausted, and to my surprise -- a little envious.
>
>Submitted by Robert Keller
>rke...@csom.umn.edu
>

Tom: It's over guys
Crow: Finally
Mike: Let's go

(6) {5} [4] /3\ |2| <1>

[SOL]

Crow: Whoa! That was a stinker
Mike: Fortunately it wasn't as long as some of the others we've been
forced to endure. I don't know how much more I could have withstood
Tom: It just seemed as long as them
Crow: Yeah. Mike, how can anyone take something so cool and make it
so bad?
Mike: I don't know. There must be some way
Tom: Well, at least it's over
Mike: Yeah. What do you think, sir?

[Deep 13]

[Dr. Forrester is busy yelling at the mole people.]

Forrester: No, no. The Star Trek fanfics go in that pile, the Star Wars
fanfics go in that pile, X-Files ones go over there, and the others go
in... Oh, so I guess you guys made it through that story, but don't
worry. There will be more. I have not yet begun to fight... No, don't
press that!

\ /
\ /
BEEOOP
/ \
/ \

This was in no way the views of the author and... No, it was.
All characters not in the fanfic are property of Best Brains, Inc.

[Merritt Stone]

In the not-too-distant future, dag...@max.tiac.net (Mike "Nelson")
played a little something like this...
>
>
Um, there's no snippage above. Did you, ah, forget something, Mike?
--
Merritt Stone, MSTie #54420
ratmm's Resident Utility Infielder
"You're the nicest guy in Hollywood. You're...Cary Grant and Jimmy
Stewart rolled into a great big ball. Not that... that's ever
happened..."
---Brain, "Brain's Song" (Pinky and the Brain)

[Stephen Cooke]

For a brief moment I thought this said MSTing *Night* Of The Hunter...

*shiver*

But I can almost see it...

<Robert Mitchum reveals "love" and "hate" tattoos on his hands>
Crow: "You should see what he has written on his feet!"

<Mitchum sings: "Leaning on the everlasting arms...">
Mike: "Woooo! Now sing Free Bird!"

Whaddya want at 7 am?

--
Stephen Cooke
Halifax, NS
am...@chebucto.ns.ca
http://www.chebucto.ns.ca/~am082/profile.html

"Sometimes I go off into my own little world...
But that's okay; they know me there."-AJ

What this country needs is plenty of...

/\/\ /-\ \ / | |~~~
/ \ | | X | |__
/ \\-/ / \ | |___

[Greg Gershowitz]

On 16 Jan 1997 18:39:36 GMT, dag...@max.tiac.net (Mike "Nelson")
wrote:

>

Not bad. A little minimalist, but I didn't find the gopher refs
funny at all.

-Greg "Version 6.3" G

--
-Greg "TORCHA!" G
mailto:tor...@geocities.com
Come and be TORCHA'd at http://www.geocities.com/Area51/5207