The MiSTing Authors' Own Fanfics Reviewed (1/4)
Tjats
[Space] The SOL. TV commercial music drifts through the soundless void
(weird, huh?)
[SOL] Servo is eating Apple Jacks.
SERVO: Mmmm... These Apple Jacks sure are good!
[Mike enters]
MIKE: Servo, whatcha eating?
SERVO: Apple Jacks.
MIKE: But why do you eat them if they don't taste like apples?
SERVO: I...I don't know.
MIKE: I know why. So you can sue for false advertising!
SERVO: Hey, yeah! Get Kellogs' on the phone!
[Crow enters]
CROW: It's official, guys. We have no more good ideas for opening host
segments.
SERVO: Darn it all! How come this never happens to the guys at
Mystery Science Theater 3000?
MIKE: I guess they have better writers.
CROW: Let's blow off some steam in the theater while reading stories
by various MiSTing authors.
MIKE: Oh, come on Crow. No MiSTing author would make his own bad
story.
CROW: You'd be surprised...
SERVO: Okay, it sounds like fun. Let's go!
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Mike, Servo and Crow enter while a jazz band starts up]
MIKE: Uh...where did that orchestra come from?
CROW: It doesn't matter. We're starting!
SERVO[singing]: If you're makin' a fanfic that you don't think is good
Or if you've hit a snag tryin' to chop some wood
You may want to stop and think it all over and try one more last thing:
Cruise around the internet awhile,
WS9 will always make you smile
And inspire you to make your very first MiSTing!
CROW[singing]: If it sounds like a stupid plan
Just ask these four authors and then you can
Realize that at the worst your dog could whelp.
Take the old fic you had trouble with
Then SLASH IT TO BITS, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
MIKE: Crow, you really need some help.
SERVO[singing]: The following presentation presents
A piece of cheese only worth ten cents
THE MISTING AUTHORS' OWN FANFICS REVIEWED!
[Music stops]
[Lyle cam]
MIKE[muttering]: And we have reached a new low.
CROW: Hello, everybody. Tonight's special Science Fiction Theater
1,000,000,000
presentation is brought to you by the letters M and B and the number 8, as well
as several authors of MiSTing fandom that have submited fiction of their own
doing so we can show you out there that even people who write such things as
"MiSTing: Blood and Metal" write bad stories too.
SERVO: You see, for years our writer, Jim Whaley, has been finding terrible
stories
that he had written eons ago but didn't want them MiSTed for fear people would
ridicule
him. So he decided to go ahead and not just MiST his own bad stories, but to
bring
everyone else down with him. It's a perfectly good explanation.
MIKE: Right. So we're going to stop yammerin' about this special and get
right too it after we tell you what's on the menu for tonight.
CROW: Here's something to make you vomit,
It's "Sailor Deathmatch" by Skyrocket.
SERVO: And I'm sure we just can't wait to spew
On Rob C. Bungie's "My Gift to You"
MIKE: Somethin' that's really smellin'
"Brain Trek" by Kevin Rudolph and Matt Nelson.
CROW: And here's one by Jim, and holy cow!
It's Star Speck II: The Naked Wow!
SERVO: Uh-oh, guys, I think we've been rhyming accidentaly.
MIKE: We have, really. Oh, gee.
CROW: Um, guys, I really have to pee.
SERVO: Okay, let's stop this NOW and get on with the riffing. What's first?
MIKE: "Brain Trek". It's a crossover of Pinky and The Brain and Star Trek:
The Next Generation.
CROW: Oh, great. Let's see it.
[Shadowrama]
>Brain Trek: Worst Contact
>A Star Trek Parody
>by Kevin Rudolph and Matt Nelson
SERVO: Mike, did your brother have anything to do with this?
MIKE: I don't have a brother.
CROW: Sez who?
MIKE: Crow, I would know if I had a brother.
SERVO: Princess Sally didn't.
MIKE: Fanboy!
SERVO: Don't you dare try changing the subject, Mike! I know you have at
least *one*
brother out there and I intend to find it if it's the last-
CROW: Servo, shut up and read!
>
>(Opening shot. A stasis field inside Dr. Crusher's medlab on Enterprise-E.)
MIKE: Hey, what about the theme song?
SERVO: Do you want this special to run overtime?
MIKE: Well...no...
>
>PINKY: Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
CROW: Whadaya think?
>BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky; try to take over the world!
>And tonight I have the perfect plan! We will contact the most feared race in
>the Alpha Quadrant;
MIKE: The Hansonians!
>the Borg!
MIKE: I still think the Hansonians are a better choice.
SERVO: Hey, anyone game for a round of "Mmm Bop"?
MIKE: Okay. Mmmm...BOP! [hits Servo on the head]
SERVO: OW!
MIKE: Never mention "Mmm Bop" again.
>PINKY: Naaaarf. Oh, no, but wait, Brain. How are we going to get out of
this
>stasis field?
CROW[stupid Brain]: Just pick the lock like we do every night.
>BRAIN: Simplicity itself, Pinky! Watch carefully. Here is an ordinary
straight
>pin I have removed from Counselor Troi's hair.
>PINKY: What were you doing with Troi, Brain?
>BRAIN: That's not important, Pinky.
ALL: Ooooooo!
>Now, by throwing this pin at the control panel, I will cause 50 billion watts
of
>power to overload it, thus shutting down the stasis field.
MIKE: As well as the cabin pressure, structural integrity field, oxygen
controls...
>(Brain throws straight-pin, shutting off forcefield in incredible shower of
sparks.
>He is heavily singed.)
>BRAIN: I had not anticipated that reaction.
>PINKY: You look like a burned-out dilithium crystal, Brain! Ha ha ha!
SERVO: Humor really got dull in four hundred years.
>BRAIN: Quiet, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you. Now come, we must further
prepare.
>PINKY: What do we do after we contact the Borg, Brain?
SERVO[Pinky]: Will we be assasinated?
MIKE[Brain]: That's "assimilated," Pinky.
>BRAIN: We shall allow ourselves to be assimilated into the Borg Collective,
after
>which I will lead them to conquer Earth!
MIKE: Of course just because there's a new leader doesn't mean the Federation
can't whoop some mechanical ass.
>PINKY: Brilliant, Brain! Oh, no, wait. Won't that eradicate any trace of
>individuality we have?
>BRAIN: YES! And I am surprised that you know so many multisyllabic words,
Pinky.
>PINKY: I try.
CROW[Pinky]: I've been reading the dicshonatary.
>BRAIN: In order to keep us free from the influence of the Borg while still
taking
>advantage of their mental communication, we will use the Acme Ambient Static
Plasma
>Field Generator! It will keep our brainwaves intact!
SERVO: But if it's ACME doesn't that mean some type of rocketry is involved?
>PINKY: But how are we going to get an Acme Static Klingon Generator, Brain?
The
>Federation doesn't use a monetary economics system!
MIKE: Although they do have currency in Starship Creator.
SERVO: Are you still on that stupid PC game?
>BRAIN: That's Acme Ambient Static Plasma Field Generator, Pinky, and we can
build
>one with parts located on the ship. Come, to Engineering!
>(Pinky and the Brain exit the Medlab. As they walk into the corridor, Troi
steps
>on them.)
>PINKY: (painfully) Poit..
SERVO: And the screen went blank.
>BRAIN: YES. This pain is not without its uniqueness. We will have to
fashion
>uniforms so we may be recognized as part of the crew. Come, Pinky! Back to
the medlab!
CROW: We must lock ourselves up again and escape and plan another plan!
>PINKY: But why back to the medlab?
>BRAIN: Because that's where the painkillers are kept, Pinky.
>PINKY: (sudden understanding) Naaarf.
>(Pinky and the Brain get Starfleet uniforms from the replicator.)
>PINKY: Brain, these look a little different from everyone else's.
MIKE: That's probably cuz they were made to fit three inch tall mice.
>BRAIN: Don't worry about it, Pinky. They change uniforms more often than the
captain
>does his mind. Now, on to Engineering!
SERVO: That little bit of comedy just didn't work.
CROW: But this story is still pretty interesting. At least it has a moveable
plot.
>(They step onto a turbolift.)
>BRAIN: Computer-Environmental protection suits.
>(The doors close. When they re-open in Engineering, Brain and Pinky step out
wearing
>EP suits.)
MIKE: So they only replicated the uniforms to wear them down the hall?
>PINKY: Brain, I don't know about you, but I felt kind of weird when Counselor
Troi
>got on while we were getting dressed.
>BRAIN: As did I, Pinky. But not necessarily in a bad way. Come, the warp
core awaits!
CROW: Eew. And remember in First Contact when Data, Picard, Crusher *and*
Troi all
got dressed in the turbolift?
>(Pinky and the Brain head toward the warp core. Brain opens a panel and
reaches
>in with a big pair of forceps.)
>BRAIN: Carefully now...
>(He begins to pull out a dilithium crystal. Suddenly, an alarm goes off.
Geordi
>LaForge runs in.)
SERVO[as Geordi]: My shuttlecraft theft alarm!
>LAFORGE: What do you two think you're doing?
>BRAIN: We are two genetically engineered lab mice on a quest to take over the
>world! And we must be off! (They run away. Geordi shakes his head.)
SERVO: Now that they're on a starship couldn't they expand their goals to the
universe?
>LAFORGE: Man, ever since I got these ocular implants, I've been seeing the
weirdest
>stuff.
>(Pinky and the Brain go to Data's quarters. Data is painting with his back to
the
>door. Brain walks inside, with Pinky.)
>BRAIN: Quickly, Pinky, on my back!
>(Brain throws Pinky at Data's off switch. Data falls backward onto Pinky &
Brain)
>PINKY: Zort...
>BRAIN: I have not experienced such exquisite pain since the two-week Jerry
Lewis
>movie marathon.
MIKE: And then Spot comes in and eats Pinky and Brain. The end.
>(Brain runs over to Data's head and honks his nose. A panel pops open. Brain
pulls
>out one of Data's memory chips.)
>BRAIN: YES!
CROW[Brain]: Now he has no recolection of waltzing in on me in the shower!
>Now there is only one piece left to complete the device! But first--to
>knock out the crew!
>PINKY: How are we going to do that, Brain?
>BRAIN: We will use my talents of impersonation to trick the computer into
thinking
>I am Captain Picard. I will then order the computer to flood the ship with
gas.
>We will be protected by our suits.
>(Brain does a bad impersonation of Captain Picard and orders the computer to
flood the
>ship with anesthetine gas.)
>COMPUTER: Access Denied.
SERVO: Brain failed to say "Make it so."
>PINKY: That wasn't a very good impersonation of the Captain, Brain.
>BRAIN: Well, then, I'd like to see YOU do any better.
>PINKY: I'll try. (does perfect Captain Picard voice)
>COMPUTER: Program Complete.
>BRAIN: YES! Excellent work, Pinky. Come; for the final piece, we go to the
bridge!
MIKE[Brain]: We require the captain's head wax!
>(Pinky & Brain exit turbolift onto the bridge.)
>PINKY: Brain, does Counselor Troi live in the turbolift?
>BRAIN: It certainly seems that way, doesn't it Pinky? Now, come, we need a
>holomatrix screen projector from the main viewscreen.
>PINKY: Then how will they be able to see where they're going?
>BRAIN: (caught off guard) Well... they won't.
SERVO: But who cares about the Enterprise anyway?
>PINKY: I hope the other ships in the quadrant have horns.
>BRAIN: Quiet, Pinky, or I shall have to hurt you.
>(Brain uses the holomatrix to assemble the Acme Ambient Static Plasma Field
Generator.)
>BRAIN: YES! (puts it on) Now, Pinky, we will replicate one for you!
>PINKY: Why didn't we replicate one in the first place instead of running
around
>like this, Brain?
>BRAIN: (speechless) Because I didn't think of it, Pinky. (slow burn at
Pinky)
>Come on.
CROW: That's two cop outs for Brain, and we're only in the second quarter.
Mike?
MIKE: Thank you, Crow. But I believe that Pinky is the star of this fanfic.
Clearly Pinky has helped to clarify Brain's mistakes. It's good to have a
sidekick with you at all times so problems can be pointed out, lowering the
main character's apparent IQ level.
>(Brain and Pinky, both wearing the devices, head to a shuttle. Brain keys in
comm
>frequency 65847.)
>BRAIN: This is Brain. To any and all Borg vessels in range of my signal: We
will
>not resist. Please assimilate us. We bow to your technological superiority.
Please
>acknowledge.
SERVO: You know, if the Federation tried that on the Borg they could fool the
hell
out of them.
>BORG: WE ARE THE BORG. PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED.
>BRAIN: YES!
>(Pinky and the Brain are beamed from the shuttle to the Borg vessel. They are
met
>by a Borg drone.)
>BORG DRONE: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
>BRAIN: Yes, yes, we've already heard all of this! We already told you we
don't
>intend to resist; get on with it!
>BORG DRONE: (sadly) But it's our only line!
MIKE: What about "We will add your biological and technological
distinctiveness to
our own"?
>(Pinky and the Brain are quickly assimilated)
>BRAIN: Now, to use the Acme Ambient Static Plasma Field Generator to assert
our will
>over the Collective!
>PINKY: Naaarf.
>BORG ALL OVER SHIP: NAAARF.
CROW[Pinky]: Come on, Brain! Let's tell them to do funny things! Hey, Borg!
Drop
your pants!
SERVO[Brain]: Pinky, no!
MIKE: [fshoop!]
CROW[Pinky]: Uh...I guess the hands and eyes aren't the only things that are
mechanically inhanced.
>(Brain hits Pinky)
>PINKY: Poit! Sorry, Brain.
>BRAIN: Borg! Listen to me! I am your leader! You will obey my commands!
>PINKY: Zort! Gee, Brain, it's been an awful long day. I could sure use
(yawns)
>some SLEEP.
>BORG: SLEEP.
MIKE: D'oh!
>BRAIN: Pinky! Do you realize what you've done?!? The Borg are trapped in a
>regenerative cycle! Do you know what that means?!?
>PINKY: Is that anything like an Exercycle, Brain?
>BRAIN: No, you ninny! It means we have to get off this ship before it blows!
>Quickly, to the transporter!
>(Pinky and the Brain beam off Borg ship into nearby Enterprise-E just as Borg
cube
>explodes. The explosion wakes Enterprise-E crew.)
SERVO: Not that there would be any sound in space.
>PICARD: Number One, what was that?
>RIKER: Shields up! Red Alert!
>PICARD: Honestly, Riker, is that all you know how to say? (Suddenly excited)
>Maybe it's some kind of unknown energy cloud! Quickly, Ensign Anonymous! On
>viewscreen!
CROW: Uh-oh. That ensign is wasted.
MIKE: Come on, Crow. Not every non-descript Star Trek character dies.
CROW: What about Ensign Throwaway?
SERVO: You know you're a goner if you've been named Throwaway.
>(Ensign Anonymous presses buttons; nothing happens)
>PICARD: Blast! Well, fly into it anyway! What's the worst that could
happen?
MIKE: With every strand of hair that falls from his head they carry away with
them
several brain cells.
>(Back in the medlab. Pinky is playing with his yo-yo implant.)
>BRAIN: Put that away, Pinky. I need your help with part of my plan for
tomorrow night.
>PINKY: Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?
CROW: Whadaya think?
>BRAIN: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: TRY TO ASSIMILATE THE WORLD!
>(Fade out on Medlab)
>
>THE END
SERVO: ...of...
>Kevin Rudolph and Matt Nelson
[Lyle cam]
MIKE: Well that certainly was interesting.
CROW: Don't touch that mouse button! We'll be right back with "My Gift to
You".
[commercials]
Jim, that Mistie
(#90212)
"Darling, why should I be worried? The only time I ever felt badly was when I
felt like a whore in Milan and that only lasted seven minutes and besides it
was the room furnishings." -Catherine "A Farewell to Arms"