Misting: Party At Deep 13
cdm...@juno.com
featuring - Cloning: The Road to Fascism
MST3K's Main Problem: A Critical Analysis
Lesbian-cancer-cult attacks the family!
anti-BBC books campaign
Original Material by bath...@iglou.com, KriticMass,
Caesar Squitti, and John
MiSTed by CDM (cdm...@juno.com)
Note for non-Whovians: The Master in this is not the Manos
Master, but rather the Doctor's arch-enemy (last seen frenching
Dr. Forrester in the not-so-classic A Letter to the Fans).
(SoL - Crow and Gypsy stare warily at a pile of lose wires on the
console)
Crow: Oh, hi. As you can see, it's repair time for us bots. There's
only one problem...
Gypsy: The repairer is an one thousand year old Time Lord who
can't even remember his own name!
Crow: We had enough sense to turn the Doc down, but Tom -
(off screen, Tom screams)
Doctor (off screen): Stop doing that! I nearly stabbed your Pentium
100!
Crow (continuing): - is an idiot. All this for a voice change?
Gypsy: Are you sure he still isn't that Valeyard jerk?
(The Doctor enters before Crow can answer. He's holding Servo,
who has a glazed look on his dome - or as close as he can get to
that with a gumball machine for a head. The Doctor plops him down)
Doctor: Now, naysayers, we'll see who has the degree in robotics!
(He filps a switch on Servo's back)
Tom (Jerry Lewis-ish voice): Oh thank you, Mister nice science person!
My voice sounds so much better after all the prodding and the
hurting and -
Crow: KILL IT!
Doctor: Wait! Let me try it again!
(He jiggles the switch)
Tom: Beep beep beep!
Crow and Gypsy: NOT AGAIN!
(Doctor flips switch more franticly)
Tom: EX-TERM-IN-ATE! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!
(Doctor gives a hard smack to Servo's backside)
Tom (back to normal): Hey! That hurt! (realization sinks in) Wait, this
is the same voice I had before!
Doctor (mumbling): Just remembered I skipped that class. (out loud)
Well, if itsn't broken, don't fix it, that's what I always say!
(The Doctor rushes off as commercial sign flashes)
Tom: Now I know why he can't keep up a K-9 for long!
Crow: Glad I didn't ask for those leg extensions!
(break)
(SoL - The Doctor is sorting through the wires as the mad light flashes)
Doctor: Are you sure you don't want that second eye, Gypsy?
Gypsy: No thanks!
(Doctor hits light)
(Deep 13 - Streamers and other festive decorations hang from the
ceiling. A well stocked bar can be seen to the left of the controls.
Dr. Forrester is mixing together some ranch dressing)
Dr. F: Well well well, just goes to prove you can't send a boy to
do a man's job!
(SoL)
Doctor: At least my robots don't go on rampages and kill people!
Crow: And they don't look like Yul Brynner!
(D13 - Dr. F. is hanging a sign that reads "Welcome Villain Class
of '76")
Dr. F: How'd you guess my pen name? As luck would have it, Mom's off
on a shopping trip, just in time for my twentieth college
reunion.
As a special treat, some of my classmates will be bringing you
the experiments for today!
(The doorbell rings. Dr. F steps down the ladder and opens the door.
A man wearing a black suit, sporting a devilish goatee, and a receding
hair line enters)
Master: So nice to see you, Clayton. I would have been here sooner, but
I had to put the final touches on my latest evil scheme.
Dr. F: The one where you go back in time and dump the books of
every world leader, then snicker snag on them?
Master: Yes! It should make them all bitter, angry despots!
(SoL - the crew is in shock)
Tom: Not him again!
Crow: How could you let him in after he stole your body?!
(D13)
Dr. F: Oh, please, what's a little possession between friends?
Master: Besides, as I explained to my dear old frat buddy here,
Dalek disentegration chambers do a number on the sanity.
Dr. F: I believe you have a present for your former colleague and
his playmates?
Master: Oh, indeed I do! (he reaches into his pocket, pulling
out a disc) I found this while cleaning out Kamelion's
hard drive. It's a turgid rant about the evils of cloning.
It will make you long for my TCE, Wormhole!
(SoL)
Doctor: Why can't we have guest villains from series other than mine?
(klaxons go off)
Bots: WE GOT PARANOIA SIGN!
(*...5...4...3...2...1...*)
>alt.conspiracy
>[2] CLONING: THE ROAD TO FASCISM!
>bath...@iglou2.iglou.com
Crow: Talk about frostbite!
>(from The Last Word 1/16/98)
>
>CLONING: THE ROAD TO FASCISM!
Tom: CAPS: THE ROAD TO ANNOYANCE!
>A Chicago physicist quite suitably named Dick Seed
Crow: Hey, you stole my riff!
> has announced his
>intent to begin work on cloning a human being, now that scientists in
>Scotland have managed to clone an adult sheep.
> Cloning of any organism--whether a human, a sheep, or an
>insect --is a grave affront to Mother Nature. As appalling as it is to
>interfere with nature in such a heavy-handed manner, cloning is also
>an expression of fascism and unparalleled arrogance--
Doctor: The nerve of the idea that science must progress!
> little different from
>the Nazis' attempt to create a "master race".
Tom: No different in that they killed millions of people trying to
accomplish it.
> The message sent by cloning
>fanatics is, "We know better than anyone else what sorts of people
>should be brung into this world,
Doctor: Starting with people who say "brung".
> so you lowly peasantry should leave us alone
>and let us manufacture some humans."
Crow: We need a red-headed stepchild in Ohio!
Doctor: What happened to the boy with green hair going to Sierra Leone?
> Seed says that if the United States dares to prohibit him from
>cloning humans, he will defect to Mexico in the hopes that Mexico will
>allow him to pursue his push for world domination.
Tom (Pinky): What do you want to do tonight, Brain?
Doctor (Brain): Same thing we do everynight, Pinky. Try to clone
the world!
> According to authoritarian Seed, "God made man in His own image.
Doctor: He must have been looking in a cracked mirror that day.
>Therefore, He intended that man should become one with God. Man should
>have indefinite life and indefinite knowledge.
Crow: Instead, he gets certified stupidity and questionable breath.
> And we're going to do it,
>and this is one step." Who appointed Dick Seed--who boasts of himself
>as "eccentric or brilliant or near-genius" --as God?
Doctor: God Himself. Didn't you get His memo last Tuesday?
> President Clinton has barred the use of federal funds for human
>cloning,
Crow: He prefers to use the money to buy hookers for Kenneth Starr.
Tom: Doctor, you really should get on to him for that.
Doctor: Oh, okay. (to Crow) Please. Don't. Stop it. (to Servo) Happy?
> but several anti-cloning bills in Congress have been stalled by
>Republican extremists. It is no surprise that the GOP favors cloning,
as
>they seem to venerate Hitler and to always strive to build upon his
>plans for an Orwellian police state.
Tom: How could Hitler base his plans on a novel published after his
death?
> What is surprising is that Clinton opposes
>it-- for his crusade for public school uniforms is the same kind of
>endeavor to rob humanity of its individualistic traditions and
institute a
>totalitarian command government.
Crow: Here's your new uniform. Ignore the 666 on it.
> If Dick Seed and Congress are allowed to play God, then America
>is surely headed further down the road of fascist make-me-believe!
All (singing): Oh, we're off to see the fascist, the wonderful fascist
of ZOG!
>--
>bath...@iglou.com http://members.iglou.com/bathroom Tantrum
> 95.7 FM
Tom: All 5 year olds, all the time!
>Read THE LAST WORD before the Kenton County Public LIEbrary
> censors it!
Crow: Read it before I run out of stupid puns!
>Annoy a conservative -- THINK!
Doctor: Annoy everyone -- listen to N'Sync!
> Annoy a Republican -- Buy American!
Tom: Annoy Bill Gates -- use a Commadore!
(The Doctor picks up Servo and they leave the theatre)
>Annoy a fascist -- Read THE LAST WORD in public!
(*...2...3...4...5...6...*)
(SoL - Tom, with a plunger glued to his forehead and his body painted
black, is shaking his head. Gypsy, with a green shell on her head,
sighs while dodging Tom's plunger. Crow, wrapped in tin foil, paces
nervously)
Tom: Why are we doing this again?
Crow: Well, I've noticed how down the Doctor has been lately, and
I thought, "Why don't we dress up as his most infamous
enemies!" That should cheer him up!
Tom: How do you know he's been despressed?
Gypsy: Yeah, he seems fine to me.
Crow: Trust meI know this stuff!
Tom: You just want an excuse to dress as a Cyberman, don't you?
(The Doctor comes in, whistling a happy tune. He stops when he
sees how the bots are dressed. He slowly looks them over)
Doctor: I'm afraid to ask, but I have to. Why?
Crow: Feeling better yet, Doc?
Doctor: I feel a bit perplexed, but that's the standard here. Once
again, why?
Tom: Cyberdork here thinks you've been depressed.
Doctor: Well, if this was supposed to "cheer me up", it hasn't worked.
I mean, the Daleks are no laughing matter! They've killed
millions
of innocent people! The Ice Warriors are an honourable, decent
race! And to top it off, you (pointing to Crow) dress up as the
race responsible for the death of Adric, a companion who was
like a son to me!
Crow (quietly): Well, I never thought of it -
Tom: Wait a minute! Just a few days ago you were laughing about
how the Dalek's can't get up stairs!
Gypsy: And if the Ice Warriors are so nice, why were you such a
jerk to them when you were stuck on Mars during the Dalek
Invasion?!
Crow: Yeah, and you said Adric was the biggest turd you ever
travelled with!
Doctor: Well, you've got me - wait, I never said that about Adric!
Crow: Well, you jumped at me!
(D13 - Most of the class has arrived. Kurgan is drinking a huge mug of
ale, laughing heartily while the Joker sobs loudly)
Joker: What will I do without her, Kurgie? I can't live without my sweet
Harley!
Kurgan: Don't worry yourself, clown! You'll find another demented
ex-psychatrist! I've broken up with plenty of women, and I
always came out ahead. Or two! (laughs heartily again)
(pan over to the Master, with a look of consternation on his face)
Master: This always happens. I come to enjoy myself, and then the
host of the party gets plowed, goes off to dance with some
floozy, and leaves me to keep everything under control!
(The Master looks off for a second, and a look of disgust comes over
his face)
Master: Really, Clayton, dancing the Lambada with a dead woman?!
(Forrester and Lady Death stumble in to view, leaning on each other
for support)
Dr. F (slurring): Don't poo-poo on my parade! You've always been
jealous of my smooth hand with the ladies!
Lady Death (slurring, but in a sultry way): Speaking of smooth hands,
Clay, whadya say we go to some dark corner so I can take
your soul - I mean, catch up on old times?
(They giggle and rush off screen)
Master (sad look on his face): Oh, my dear Clayton, if only you knew
how much this hurts me - (catches himself) Oh, yes, you. I'll
find your damn experiment.
(He flips through a pile of various disks, books, and movies. He stops
and looks at a huge script with a weary look on his face)
Master: Joe, we specifically told you to not bring the script for "The
Showgirls Meet Sharon Stone And Have Hot Lesbian Sex!"
(throws it behind him, hitting LaCroix on the head)
(SoL - Doctor is trying to pull off Servo's plunger)
Tom: Hey, be careful! I just had this dome shined!
Crow: I told you to use doggy doo!
(sirens)
CROW: WE GOT RANT SIGN!
(The Doctor loses his footing and throws Servo off-screen, very fast,
as the tunnel sequance starts)
(*...6...5...4...3...2...*)
(The enter, Tom moaning)
Doctor: I'm so very sorry -
Tom: Don't touch me, don't ever touch me.
>Subject: MST3K's Main Problem: A Critical Analysis
>From: kriti...@aol.com (KriticMass)
Crow: AKA the Ebert-Maltin-Malden-Kael Gestalt.
>Date: Wed, Mar 18, 1998 23:52 EST
>Message-id: <199803190452...@ladder03.news.aol.com>
>
>By Kritical Mass
Tom: He got his name from a Wolverine mini-series?
>I was made aware of this show by a friend of mine.
Doctor: We are now only speaking through our lawyers.
> I started watching during
>the 19th episode of what I found out was MST3K's 8th season. I had
heard
>of the show before, but had never gotten around to watching it.
Tom: I was too enthralled with the drama of the Warrior - Hollywood
Hogan
saga on WCW.
> When I did, I decided
>to observe and take notes on my second viewing. Here is my summation of
>my observations.
Crow and Tom: IT STINKS!
>The problem with this particular show is that it represents the worst
that
>television has to offer.
Doctor: Unlike the new Fox season, which is really great!
> It is the uttermost expression of total passivity,
>watching people on the TV making fun of old movies.
Crow: Yeah, much more passive than watching Jenny Jones rob
teenagers of their freedom of expression.
> True, while it does have
>it's moments, most of the comedy is in the end hollow and lifeless.
Tom: Well I can see- HEY!
Doctor: He can surmise all of this after only two episodes?
> A stream
>of pop-culture references and funny noises do not make up classic
comedy
>with depth and meaning. MST3K in merely one result of the TV era, where
>passivity is bred in the viewer. Just sit, watch, and let us do all
the work for
>you.
Crow: Yeah, well thinking isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Tom: And the evidence is right here.
>Most irksome is the smug attitude that usually accompanies such smart-
aleck
>shallow modern fare.
>
>The sketches or 'host-segments' are further evidence of the show's
shallowness.
Doctor: Sounds more like Saturday Night Live to me.
>A few minutes of cloying in-jokiness, mixed in with irritating puppet-
show
>theatrics, all to stretch out what is usually a short b&w picture.
True, most
>of these movies are mediocre at best, and loathsome at worst.
Crow: He must have seen Mitchell.
> But, is the end
>result worth it? My answer is: no. An hour and a half of shallow fare.
Doctor: Maybe that's just too long for him to pay attention.
>Passivity is being bred into generation after generation of TV viewer.
MST3K is
>regrettably but one manifestation of this epidemic, wherein the viewer
is
>encouraged to not involve themselves with any interactive activity
whatsoever.
Crow: Would you prefer we had buddy lists, asinine commercials,
and a voice that says, "Welcome, you've got riffs?!"
>That is my honest, blunt opinion. Please, let me know what you think.
I would
>be interested in discussing people's many interpretations of this
phenomena
>known as 'Mystery Science Theater 3000".
Crow: If we're a phenomenon, then why isn't Kim Catrall all over me?
Doctor: Was there any discussion?
Tom: Everyone pointed out he had seen only two episodes and he really
couldn't form an opinion out of just that, but he didn't listen.
<*...2...3...4...5...6...*>
(SoL - The Doctor comes up to the counter and opens the book
he's holding, Robinson Caruso. He starts reading)
(D13 - Team Rocket leads a conga line past the Master. Mr. Burns
encourages the line)
Mr. Burn's: Conga conga conga! We love being evil! Conga like you
mean it!
Master (to the beat): Please don't make me shoot you! (normal) So the
last
piece was very painful? I brought it myself just in case,
because of
certain people who shall remain nameless! (looks at Dr.
Frankenfurter
and Rocky)
Dr. Frankenfurter: Don't blame me! I brought something, but Studboy
gave it to Janet, damn it! So to make up for it, here are some
mice Riff Raff stole from a lab the other night.
(Dr. Frank puts the mice, with a label that says Acme Labs, near
the SoL contols. A "DUNH DUNH DUNH!" music chord strikes, making
the Master look around in confusion. Dr. Forrester comes stumbling up,
and starts rifling through a drawer)
Dr. F (still slurring): Where'd I put that? I hope mom didn't throw it
away.
Master: Oh god...
Dr. F (triumphantly): Ah, there it is! My autographed picture of Q!
(runs off)
Master: Even worse. Well, here's Rush's contribution! Fresh pain, or
something, drearie dearies!
(SoL - The Doctor's still reading as sirens go off)
Doctor (looks up, unexcitedly): Oh, right. (closes book and slowly
leaves)
<*...1...2...3...4...5...*>
>Subject: Lesbian-cancer-cult attacks the family!
>From: "Caesar Squitti of Thunder Bay" <csqu...@alumni.lakeheadu.ca>
>Date: 11/30/98 12:45 AM Central Standard Time
>Message-id: <01be1c2d$6972f480$4d7ed2cf@caesar>
>
>Lesbian-cancer-cult attacks the family!
Crow: Squeaky and Ellen in a knock down, drag out cat fight!
>It now becomes clearer that a radical-lesbian-cult has infilitrated
the North
>American legal, social and judicial systems under the cover of
employment
>equity and feminism. (not all lesbians)
Doctor: Wear Doc Martins and listen to k.d.lang.
>
>http://flash.lakeheadu.ca/~csquitti/webdoc3.51.html
Crow: All new WebDoc 3.51! The latest in net kookery!
>I would hope that judicial leaders like Janet Reno take note of the
>polarizing effect of statements that exclude fathers from family, and
>attack motherhood, fatherhood and the family.
Tom: Nah, she's too busy shredding documents to protect Gore.
>It is interesting to note that these programs do little for promoting a
>positive father or mother role, but rather attack the negative.
Doctor: I wish they'd stop attacking the negative. It's just so
negative!
>In addition the differnces between men and women, verses fathers and
>mothers is not addressed.
Crow: Maybe their songwriting talent isn't good enough to address.
>We are not equal !
Doctor: We are Sweet 'n' Low!
> This to counter the lesbian/homosexual agenda that we
>are all equal, and that two lesbians is the same as a father and a
mother.
Doctor: And that a ranting homophobic jackass is the same as a
human being.
Crow: These rants are getting to you, aren't they?
>Sorry North America, this deceptive cancer-cult has already damaged the
>family, paradoxically.
Tom: What, did they go back in time to convince Adam and Eve to get a
divorce?
> If you examine the services that are suppose to
>address social problems you may note the polaizing models that attack
the
>sexes and the family, which, to cult-lesbian feminists, is of benefit.
Doctor: Cindy Crawford and Kate Moss are in on the conspiracy?
>A deceptive intellectually flawed logic,
Doctor: That's what this is!
> that has had its origins in a
>politically motivated agenda, that seeks to divide the sexes,
Crow: Coitus interuptus!
> attack the
>family, all through the deceptive use of anti-truths.
>
>http://flash.lakeheadu.ca/~csquitti/gate.html
>
>Anti-truths,
Tom (screaming): Anti-song, anti-me, I don't deserve a chance to be!
> perhaps the deception that befell Adam and Eve in the Bible.
Doctor: As far as I know, Eve didn't run off with Lilith and Adam didn't
meet a guy named Steve.
>Caesar Squitti --
>
> RESEARCH ARTICLE
> http://flash.lakeheadu.ca/~csquitti/gate.html
>
> caesar j. b. a. squitti © 1998
> ANTI+TRUTHS: Truths, Half-Truths & Lies.
> "The Light....The Rainbow of Truth."
>
> SPONSORED BY
> SQUITTI'S
Crow: There's a world of hate in every mouthful.
> " A Beautiful Difference" © 1997
> Fine Diamonds and Gold Jewelery
Tom: A homophobic jewler? Did Elton John cheat him out of
some necklaces?
> http://flash.lakeheadu.ca/~csquitti/abeautifuldifference.html
> &
> The People of Thunder Bay
> "Superior by Nature"
Doctor: "Inferior by Attitude"
(screen goes blank)
Doctor: Time to go...
>anti-BBC books campaign
Doctor: Oh, really mature, Koshei!
Tom: Give me a break!
Crow: I didn''t care for that stupid Keeping Up Appearences
book either, but isn't a campaign too harsh?
>Hello,
All: Hi!
>One thing I can't stand about fandom is fans slagging off the BBC books
>simply because they can't take the fact that the BBC took back the
>licence. There are so many Virgin-worshippers out there,
(Tom stares at the screen, then his dome explodes)
Crow: And they say I have a dirty mind?
Doctor: Sad, isn't it?
> many of whom
>have orchestrated a whispering campaign against the BBC -
Doctor (whispering): Psst, BBC books suck, pass it on!
> especially on
>the net - from the moment they took the license back. I believe this
was
>administered by Virgin Publishing in an attempt to stop fans buying BBC
>products.
Doctor: They lost the license because they were planning to make me
a transvestite!
Crow: Where did you hear that?
Doctor: Director's cut of Fandom.
>
>All this criticism against the BBC is down to this, IMHO. If an
>individual book is crap it's down to the individual author, not the
>publisher. Why don't these Branson-loving
Crow: Boxcar Willy rocks!
> fans bother to judge each book
>seperately on its merits, rather than slagging it off because, as a
>product of the BBC, it must be crap?
>
>This doesn't mean I love the Beeb, you understand
Crow: Yeah, right, ya Beeb-lover!
> - I can criticise them
>for lots of things, just like I can criticise Virgin - have you tried
>traveling on their f**kwitted trains?
Doctor: Virgin has a train service?
> - but this persistent smear
>campaign has gone too far.
>
>Ta,
Doctor: Ja.
Crow: Ya.
>John.
>
>--
>List owner, lingu...@onelist.com fra...@onelist.com
>URL: http://members.tripod.com/~johnstephenson/
>
>"No matter how eloquently a dog may bark, he cannot tell you
> that his parents were poor but honest." -- Bert Russell
Doctor: And if that made any sense, it might be deep.
>Remove NOSPAM to reply.
(The Doctor picks up Servo, then drops him quickly)
Doctor: Ow! He's still hot!
Crow: Smooth move, Gilligan!
(Doctor picks up Servo carefully, and runs out of theatre)
<*...2...3...4...5...6...*>
(SoL - The Doctor is again fidgeting with Servo)
Doctor: Must have hit the sexual innuendo defense system.
How does that feel?
Tom (in Bender voice): Bite my shiny metal ass!
Doctor (after a pause): Close enough.
(D13 - the place is in a mess. Madelyne Pryor and Khan are
passed out together on a couch. The Master is sweeping
up the floor near the console. Retching noises are heard
coming from the bathroom)
Dr. F (groaning): Deathy Weathy, could you hold my hair?
Master (grumbling): Deathy Weathy ran off with Ernie Wernie.
(The door swings opens and Pearl stumbles in with many bags
under her arm)
Pearl: CLAAYTON! What did I tell you about throwing parties
while I was gone?!
Master (pushing button): That's it, I'm out of here.
Pearl (off screen): Where do you think you're going, beardo?
Master (off screen): Eep!
-----
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and it's related characters and
situations are trademark and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Doctor Who and it's related characters and situations are
trademark and (c) BBC Worldwide. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted material and trademarked material is for
entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original
copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc. or BBC
Worldwide is intended or should be inferred.
>There are so many Virgin-worshippers out there
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.