[MISTED] Q-Force part 2 of 3.
Kaplan
Please note that this MiSTing is now in 3 parts. The second half was
just too long to post, it seems. Ah well.
> "Admiral," the officer sitting at the navigation
>post turned to face Q, "we are dropping out of hyperspace."
MIKE: That was fast- how long?
CROW: Five minutes?
MIKE: Couldn't have been going very far then.
CROW: I told you- just down to McDonalds and then the newsstand.
MIKE: They should still be in the line at the drive-through.
> Tarkin who had turned to look at the navigation
>officer, now turned back to Q.
> "As you requested, Alex. A test," Q smiled. "A
>fair test."
MIKE: How many dodgem cars fit into a rink of ten meter diameter?
TOM: Not that sort of fair.
> Q made a sweeping gesture toward the officers. "I return your crew to
you."
MIKE (as Q): I got a couple of them a little scratched- but a coat of
paint
and they'll be fine.
> "Sir," the sensor officer said, this time to Tarkin
>not Q, "sensors report five ships dropping out of hyperspace about one
>thousand kilometers away."
> "Identification."
> "Unknown, Sir.
TOM (as Tarkin): I mean your identification- who are you?
CROW: No name in a Trek crossover- he's SO dead.
> Sensor logs have no record of these ships. However,
> the sensors are able to pick up the ship design." The officer
>turned away from his instrument panel to look at Tarkin. "They are
>giant cubes, Sir."
BOTS: Not spheres?
> "Cubes?" Tarkin turned to look at Q questionably.
BOTS: Pyramids?
> "Cubes, Alex."
BOTS: So they're cubes then?
> Q held his hand flat and a small image of one of the ships
> rotated in the air a couple centimeters above his palm. In a
>mocking whisper he said, "They should be no problem for your mighty
>Death Star. Go get 'em."
MIKE: I'm not sure how the Borg will adapt to being annihilated in
one shot.
CROW: They'll learn to run?
> Tarkin turned away from Q, went to his command chair, and
>looked out into space at the approaching ships. Sure enough, they
>were cubes,
TOM: I think we established that.
> very small in comparison to the Death Star, which itself was
>capable of destroying planets many times its own size. These puny
>ships should be no problem
MIKE: But they will be.
> As they drew nearer, Tarkin could see that the surface of
> these ships looked like a half-hazard mesh of pipes, wires, and
>metal plates. They looked like big cubes of junk floating in space. He
>remembered the Corellian freighter he had destroyed earlier,
MIKE: He personally?
TOM: Remember, the little people don't count.
MIKE: Still...
CROW: Don't make me do the Marrissa imitation again.
> and smiled to himself. "Weapons, target the closest ship and fire
>when ready."
TOM (as weapons officer): That would be one of our own fighters sir.
MIKE (as Tarkin): Oops. Fire at the closest BORG ship then.
> A few seconds later the tremendous beam lanced out of the
> Death Star and connected with one of the cube ships. The ship
>illuminated with a spectacular light and a fraction of a second
>later, vaporized.
CROW: Maybe the Death Star wins! Maybe logic triumphs.
TOM: Five RAM chips says you're wrong.
CROW: You're on.
> Tarkin turned away from the window to look at Q in triumph. Q's face was
> unreadable. He turned back to the window. "Fire at will."
CROW: Yes! Riker dies!
>The cube ships now had backed away from the Death Star
> with a new respect for its offensive capability.
TOM (as Borg): That Death Star's insults are really HURTFUL!
>Moments later a second beam was emitted from the Death Star. The new
>target faired the same as the first, its atoms sprayed into the blackness of
>space in a fine mist.
CROW chuckles.
MIKE: Do we count as a fine mist?
> The remaining three ships huddled together in a small triangle.
>Tarkin thought that this was foolish. Now a well aimed shot could
>take out all three.
MIKE: They'd have to be in a line for that, actually.
>The weapons officer thought the same thing, and fired again.
CROW: And then they all wondered why only one ship blew up.
> The intense beam of destruction sped toward the three ships
> at the speed of light, and splashed into millions of sparks against
>unseen shields.
CROW stops chuckling.
TOM: I hate to break this to you, but a) even the Borg don't adapt
THAT fast, and b) this laser usually shoots through shields anyway.
> "Sir it appears that they were able to deflect our shot," the
>weapons officer told Tarkin what he already had seen for himself.
> Tarkin turned once more to look at Q. This time Q had the
>look of triumph - a smile spread across his face from ear to ear.
MIKE (as Q): So I'm cheating- so what?
>"Who are they?" Tarkin asked.
> "The Borg," responded Q, quite pleased at Tarkin's reaction.
TOM (as Q): This learning humility lark is pretty cool!
> "Quite a spectacular race, wouldn't you say?"
MIKE (as Q): The way he surged to the front 50 metres from home-
brilliant!
> Tarkin turned back to the weapons officer. "They can't
>deflect that kind of power consistently. Fire again."
> "Sir," the officer hesitated, "the Death Star was not designed
> for rapid firing. It will take a while for the batt. . .,"
MIKE: ...ery chickens to provide enough eggs.
TOM: Only the Empire would use battery chickens.
> his voice was cut off as his wind pipe snapped shut.
> "Fire!"
TOM: Turn on the sprinklers, quick!
> Vader commanded as he released his grip on the
>officer.
> Another blast from the Death Star, much less intense than the
> others had been, bounced
TOM: Straight back at the Death Star obliterating it.
MIKE: Feeling a little dark?
> harmlessly of the Borg shields.
> "Launch fighters!" Tarkin commanded.
> Tallon, who stood near the command chair, flinched as he was
> about to speak, but he valued his life and held his tongue.
CROW (as Q): Why have you got your hand in your mouth, Commander?
> Instead Vader spoke his concern. "If they are able to stand up under the
>Death Star's super laser, than throwing our fighters at it would only be a
>waste of men and material."
MIKE (as Tarkin): Your point is?
TOM (as Vader): No point. I don't care about them. I just wanted a
line.
> "Sir," an officer announced, "the ships are firing at us."
> All three ships fired an intense beam of light aimed at the
>orifice of the super laser. Like a lightsaber, the lasers cut up
>the surface of the Death Star,
MIKE: Although if they were like Vader's lightsaber, the beams'd
shatter on contact with it.
>causing explosions that rocked the battle station. "They have effectively
>disabled our ability to fire, Sir," the weapons officer reported.
CROW: We've still got the thousands of smaller turbolasers on our
surface, but they don't count.
TOM: Fanbot.
> "I want repair teams down there immediately!" Tarkin shouted.
> "Sir, it will take weeks to . . .," Vader did not release his
>grip on the weapons officer's neck this time, and after a few
>seconds struggle, he slumped to the flight deck.
MIKE: Characterisation strikes back, ladies and gentleman.
TOM: Can we replay that? I want to get it fixed in my mind.
>Suddenly, intruders started to materialize all over the bridge.
MIKE: Instant Borg- just add water!
> Tarkin took a good look at the intruders, which he took to be the
>Borg. Half man, half machine, they had the hideous look of total
>emotionlessness that Vader was able to use so well to his advantage.
TOM (as Borg): Daddy!
CROW (as Vader): Borg, I am NOT your father.
> He drew his side arm and fired at the closest Borg. His shot exploded into
>the chest of the Borg and it collapsed to the floor. Others were firing
>around him and Borg were falling left and right.
MIKE: That's what happens when the Borg hire a Trakce strategist.
> Tarkin was confused that the Borg did not seem to be armed. He fired at
>another Borg, but his shot was deflected by some kind of personal shielding.
TOM: So the Borg adapt over the space of a few seconds?
MIKE: Means there doesn't have to be a second scene.
CROW: I LIKE that sort of plot device.
> Frustrated, Tarkin turned his blaster to the maximum power setting and
>fired again. No effect. The oncoming Borg raised his mechanical arm and
>fired at Tarkin.
MIKE: So the Borg were visibly armed after all?
CROW: I guess so- one arm anyway.
MIKE: Lame, and yet so...
TOM: It's still lame, isn't it.
MIKE: Yep.
> A red flash of light flickered in front of Tarkin and the bolt was deflected
>into the floor.
CROW: Going straight through it, accidentally hitting the life-support
equipment. They all die. The end.
> Tarkin and the Borg both looked over at the source of the flash
TOM (as Q): Say cheese!
>and saw Vader's lightsaber leap back into his hand. The Borg now
>totally ignored Tarkin and focused on Vader. Vader took two,
>smooth, quick steps toward the Borg and swung his lightsaber at him.
CROW: But the Borg ducked, shot Vader, and then killed Tarkin. The
end.
MIKE: Twice in two paragraphs? You're really feeling dark today....
TOM: How does Vader know it's a him and not a her?
MIKE: Female Borg are pretty distinctive...
CROW: Don't overheat, Nelson.
> The blade shuddered slightly as it passed through the Borg's personal
>shield, but proceeded to cut the Borg in half.
TOM: Adapt to THAT, Borg-guy.
> Tarkin looked around the bridge and saw all of the Borg, who
>had been dispatching his staff quite efficiently, now break off from
>their individual attacks to focus on Vader. Vader also, obviously,
>noticed the Borg's new agenda and placed himself in a combat ready
>stance.
MIKE: He'd been standing on his head this whole time then?
> Q, who had seemed to disappear when the Borg had arrived, now
> stood next to Tarkin. Tarkin was slightly startled to find Q in
>such close proximity. "Watch this," Q said excitedly.
TOM: (imitates failing hyperdrive)
> About eight Borg converged on Vader in a semi-circle. One of
>them fired at Vader, and he deflected the bolt quite effortlessly.
>This made the Borg stop their approach, and Vader took the offensive
>by reaching out with the Force and strangling one of the Borg. The
>afflicted Borg staggered slightly but remained standing. Tarkin
>gasped. Either they didn't breath or they were strong enough to
>withstand Vader's hold.
TOM: Or they take more than 2 seconds to die?
>Four of the Borg's fired at him. Holding his
>weapon in one hand, he deflected two bolts with his lightsaber and
>the other two with his hand.
CROW: I knew that third arm would be handy!
M&T: (groan)
>All eight Borg lifted their Mechanical arms
>and each fired twice in quick succession. With the Force he
>gathered all sixteen incoming bolts into a small cluster, and with a
>powerful swing of his lightsaber, he batted the cluster back at one
>of the Borg, incinerating it.
MIKE: Vader IS Mark McGuire!
>The remaining seven Borg began firing methodically.
> Vader held his lightsaber in right hand and ripped off a piece of
>railing with the Force and brought it to his left hand.
CROW: Vader IS John Woo!
>Using both to block the incoming onslaught he was able to stand his ground.
>A few stray bolts, that Vader did not bother to block, seared through his
>cape or splattered into the computer bank ten meters behind him.
>The Borg began to spread out, making Vader block a wider range of shots.
>Vader ripped off more railing and had it spin in front of him.
TOM: Vader IS Pat Sajak!
> Moving as if connected to the ceiling with strings, the railing
>also started to block bolts.
> After a while the Borg began to coordinate their fire,
TOM: And the rest of the Imperials are doing what?
CROW: So THAT's where the female Borg all went.
MIKE: Right on the edge, Crow. Right on the edge.
CROW: Thankyou!
>sending all seven bolts in at once over a range of one hundred eighty
>degrees. This was two much for Vader
MIKE: He could handle five, but not seven!
>and an occasionally a bolt struck him.
TOM: Bolt doesn't do much damage. They should at least cast Flare,
if not Ultima.
CROW: Or Pearl.
PEARL (v.o.): What about me?
>Vader staggered as a bolt connected with his leg and another hit his
>shoulder. In a rage, he ripped down a large pipe down from the
>ceiling high over head. He cut it open with his lightsaber
TOM: Unfortunately, the lightsaber bounced off.
MIKE: You won't forget that, will you?
TOM: No.
>and a jet of pressurized coolant sprayed over the group of Borg. The
>incoming bolts that were striking Vader slowed and soon stopped.
MIKE: The Borg are a cold, cold race.
CROW: Except for Seven of Nine, Mike?
>
> Tarkin could no longer see the Borg or Vader, as they were
>enveloped in a cloud of coolant.
TOM: So Tarkin put them in the mailbox.
>The computer automatically shut off the coolant leak, and vents sucked the
>gas into the floor. As the cloud thinned, Tarkin saw that five Borg stood
>frozen solid,
CROW (as James Bond): Chilling!
> while the other two lay
>shattered on the deck. Vader was on one knee breathing in violent
>gasps.
TOM: They can join Tarkin's gestures in counselling.
>He was covered with smoking burns
MIKE: The dangers of smoking, kids.
> and the breathing device on his chest was sparking.
> Tarkin surveyed the damage. All of his officers lay dead
>except for Tallon,
CROW: Only named characters survived- yep, it's a Trek crossover.
>who still stood at his side, quite shaken. Most of the
>computers were smoking
MIKE: This fanfic brought to you by the Tobacco Lobby.
>and inoperable. He did not know if Vader would live, but at least they had
>successfully repelled the Borg attack.
CROW: Pay up, Tom.
TOM: It might not be over yet.
>As he was finishing this thought, thirty more Borg materialized in
>the middle of the disappearing fog.
TOM: See?
> One of the Borg carried an enormous cannon. Vader looked up
> as the cannon was pointed at him. Vader weakly hurled his
>lightsaber at the Borg.
TOM: Unfortunately, it shattered on impact.
MIKE: Enough, Tom.
>As the saber flew toward the Borg, the
>cannon erupted with an incredible burst of energy.
MIKE positions his hand near CROW's beak out of reflex, but
CROW is silent.
TOM (oblivious): The Borg cannon IS Mount Vesuvius!
>A second later the lightsaber cut through the cannon and it exploded,
>killing at least fifteen Borg who stood to close to it. At the same instant,
>the bolt of energy caught Vader full in the chest, throwing him violently
>back into the computer banks. He crashed through the bank
MIKE: Vader's never going to get a loan if he does that!
> and lay smoking
TOM: Once again, this fanfic is brought to you by the Tobacco Lobby.
MIKE: Quota on the smoking jokes as well.
>among wires and sparking screens. A split second
>later, he exploded releasing all of the Dark Force that was in him,
>utterly obliterating the entire wall.
TOM: Dark Forces- by Lucasarts. The only game capable of leveling a
whole wall.
> The remaining Borg turned to face Tarkin. "Enough." Q made a
>motion with his hand and the Borg and their ships disappeared.
CROW (as Q): Hehehe.. this instant death power is cool!
>He turned to Tarkin, who was still in a state of horror. "I do
>believe that the Death Star, your staff, and Vader failed the test."
CROW: Why, because the bridge crew couldn't kill a ton of Borg
troops endowed with instant adaption? What about all the
stormtroopers that didn't get into the fight! And the Death Star
destroyed a couple of Borg ships! I don't see why the Borg should be
counted as winning when all they did was shoot a few officers who
aren't trained hand-to-hand fighters!
MIKE: Why are you so upset!
TOM: He's got to pay me the RAM chips, remember?
> "How dare you!" Tarkin managed to mutter. "The Emperor will
>hear about this and . ."
MIKE: ...cheer!
TOM: ...sing an Elvis medley!
CROW: ...he'll going running for his mother!
MIKE: ...call forth the power of Greyskull!
TOM ...form the MegaZord!
CROW: ...transform into Sailor Moon!
MIKE: ...tell Viacom!
TOM: ...send the Ewoks!
CROW: ...self-destruct!
MIKE: ...do absolutely nothing!
TOM: ...get Marrissa on to you!
CROW: ...and say "What are you saying boy? Hmmm? Speak up!"
MIKE: Good job guys!
> "And what? You have seen my power. The Emperor can do nothing
>to me,"
CROW (as Q): In case it hasn't occurred to you, buddy, I'm
omnipotent. I can kill everyone! I could also make you Supreme
Emperor- but you've got to get me a date with that Leia chick.
TOM (as Tarkin): Why can't you just magic her into doing it?
CROW (as Q): Can't. I'm a little impotent in that way.
TOM (as Tarkin): There are these new pills...
CROW (as Q): Not that sort of impotent!
> Q paused. "However, as long as I'm giving lessons, I wouldn't want
>to leave anyone out,"
MIKE (as Q): And I've heard that the Emperor is a little weak in
math.
>he paused again. "I've got just the thing." He
>snapped his fingers and he disappeared, Vader's remains disappeared,
>and, unseen by Tarkin, the remains of the X-wing that had crashed in
>the trench disappeared.
TOM: Q is so nice, he even cleans up before he goes!