MiSTed: Stolen Memories (21/29)
Rottweiler
Part 7 of Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Presents _Stolen Memories_
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[SOL Theater. Mike and the Bots enter and take their usual seats.]
> Article 265 of 418
>
> Subject: 1st Post - Stolen Memories - 7/9 (pre-DS9)
CROW: Hey, Seven of Nine! Maybe this part will have Jeri Ryan in a
tight
outfit and hitting things with a golf club!
MIKE: I wouldn't count on it.
> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/10
> Message-Id: <5b4u2q$6...@the-fly.zip.com.au>
> Organization: The Zipsters
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
> WARNING -NC-17- FICTION: This story contains sex scenes.
> If reading about teen sex offends read no further.
> If not read on and enjoy.
>
> The Ed, Red.
CROW: Skelton?
TOM: Buttons?
MIKE: Green?
CROW: Chief?
TOM: Skull?
MIKE: Square?
> ===============================================================
>
>
>
> Stolen Memories:
> Part Seven
TOM: We interupt this fanfic to bring you a decent movie.
> Julian's eyes fluttered open to reveal branches
> covered in river scum surrounding him like a cage.
MIKE: That's strange. When my eyes flutter open, they usually reveal a
pupil, an iris, and part of the eyeball.
CROW: This must be more Star Trek biology.
> The
> pain in his side and back told him off
TOM: (pain) You're a moron, Julian. You can't do a single thing right.
> other branches under
> and around him which were digging into his skin.
CROW: (branches) We be digging for buried treasure, maties. Arr.
> When he
> attempted to move,
MIKE: He couldn't get anyone to help him pack.
> waves of agony swept over him.
TOM: (Julian) Doctor, it hurts when I move this.
CROW: (doctor) Well, then don't move that.
> A
> strangled moan escaped from his dry and cracked lips.
MIKE: He needs some Chap-Stik.
> A
> moan that attracted company.
TOM: Donna Summer fans, mostly.
> Julian became aware of this company when a shadow
> fell over him.
CROW: (Julian, muffled) Ow! Get this shadow off of me!
> He glanced upward to see her,
MIKE: Janet Reno.
> The Huntress.
MIKE: Exactly.
> She was approaching him with her bow in her hand loaded and
> looked to him, to be ready to fire. Terror filled him, as
> he watched her approach,
CROW: (Jerry Lewis) Please don't hurt me, nice lady person.
> desperation made him hold his
> breath and pray she hadn't heard him, and would not see him
> among the branches.
MIKE: Or discover the stack of _Penthouse_ magazines hidden under his
bed.
> His prayers went unanswered,
TOM: Despite the letter-writing campaign, _Manimal_ was canceled.
> as a stiff breeze rustled
> the branches, she looked directly at him, then raised her
> bow, stalking ever closer.
CROW: (Carrie Fisher) This is for standing me up at the altar.
MIKE: (Jim Belushi) Forgive me! There was traffic! And an
earthquake...
> Julian's eyes fluttered closed,
> as she took aim and fired.
TOM: (Julian) Boy, you think you know a woman...
> He heard the bolt she fired whistling through the air,
> felt the vibration of it finding it's target and heard
> something more.
CROW: A raw, edgy sound - one that would shake the music world out of
it's
slumber.
> It was the he nauseating sound of the bolt
> piercing flesh.
MIKE: Someone must be getting their ears pierced.
> He waited for the pain for what seemed an
> eternity, but in reality was less than a minute, before
> he realised, the vibrations were continuous and above him.
TOM: Julian wouldn't be a good _Jeopardy_ contestant, would he?
CROW: No, but with his knack for being out of touch with what's really
happening, he'd make a perfect Congressman.
> He opened his eyes, twisting his head around to look
> up and see a ginormous snake
MIKE: I could use a glass of ginormous about now.
> in its death throes. It's neck
> just below the head
TOM: Where the neck is located in most beings. Except Linebackers.
> pinned to the branch no more than 20
> centimetres away.
CROW: (snake, dying) Ssssss... just wait til my uncle, the anaconda,
hears
about this. Then you'll be sorry. Ssssss...
> Then she was there, a knife in hand, to separate the
> snake's head from its body in one swift merciful stroke.
MIKE: She's Alis Kevorkian.
> The thrashing of its body ended.
TOM: It started listening to country and western instead of speed metal.
> She wiped her knife on
> her trousers
CROW: Let's see Tide get THAT stain out!
> before slipping it away in a sheath in her
> boot.
TOM: Isn't "sheath" the word used for "condom" in this story? Remember,
waaaaaaaayyyyyyy back in Part Two?
MIKE: Frankly, no. My memory of that has been stolen.
> While Julian watched her, she ripped the bolt from
> the tree to drive it into the dirt at her feet, cleaning
> it.
CROW: (Alis) This dirt is a mess!
> He felt the terror fade, to be replaced by utter
> confusion as she reloading her bow only to clip it to her
> belt.
TOM: (Julian) I just read the previous sentence! I'm so confused!
> She looked down at him, looking back at her.
MIKE: They soon realized that the chemistry they once had was long gone.
> Then
> began to do her level best to break the branches that caged
> him, without jostling him which only added to the pain that
> made his body throb and burn.
CROW: Jostle him! Jostle him! Jostle him!
TOM: Hey, if Alis is younger than Julian, she's Jostlin' Elders.
(MIKE and CROW groan)
> Julian heard her soft soothing voice, telling him
> that she would have him out of the cage and begin tending
> his wounds soon.
MIKE: (Alis) Oh, and by the way, I'm dating Tigger.
> She began recounting the hunt through the
> forest, the baiting of the wilderbeast,
CROW: Alis and the wilderbeast star in Victor Hugo's _Les Miserables_.
> she told him of its
> death and her efforts to find him after he had fallen into
> the river to be swept away in the flood swollen waters.
TOM: (Julian) Wow. We've been separated so long that I forgot what a
bore
you are.
> Through it all he heard her use his name, over and over
> again, and it was not just his birth name that she spoke,
> but the pet name Alis had referred to him by.
MIKE: Snowball?
TOM: Pooky?
CROW: Muffin?
> When he
> realised it was his princessa and lover come to save him,
TOM: (Julian, falsetto) My hero!
> he burst into tears of joy and darkness descended to
> drive away the pain, and all thought as he passed out.
MIKE: He should list "fainting" as a special skill on his resume.
> *************************************
CROW: (singing) Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
> Alis saw Julian pass out and with a pent up breath of
> fear, that she'd arrived too late, leaned in to lay a hand
> over his heart, seeking for and finding his heart beating,
> with a rapid rhythm.
TOM: It was the drummer for Slayer.
> She sent a prayer of thanks in the
> Goddess direction.
MIKE: (bored) Hey guys, God's a woman in this story. Isn't that
original?
CROW: I bet She makes everything smell like potpourri. Chicks seem to
love
that stuff.
> Relieved to have found him in time, she
> thanked the Goddess again, now that he had lost
> consciousness,
TOM: (Alis) I don't have to listen to him stutter.
> she could get him out of the cage,
MIKE: (Alis) We're gonna bust out. You in?
> without
> having to worry about the pain that would torment him with
> every move she made toward that goal.
CROW: (Alis) I hope he dies. That way, I can carry him and he won't
feel
any pain.
>
> It was the work of an hour to break Julian free of
> the entrapment he lay within and another hour's work to
> find branches and vines to build a litter to transfer him
> to.
TOM: Of course, she had to take a coffee break every ten minutes, as
specified by union rules.
> Alis searched the area finding dry leaves and twigs
> in abundance in protected hollows in the trees,
MIKE: Whoever hollowed out those trees is NOT going to be happy when he
finds out that someone stole his stash.
> and there
> too she found birds
CROW: Ah, this is the chapter Alfred Hitchcock wrote.
TOM: Actually, it was Alfred's ne'er-do-well brother, Skippy Hitchcock.
> and furred creatures a plenty.
MIKE: Beggorah! She found a plenty of stuff!
> Not
> normally one to kill more than she could eat,
CROW: This time, she decided to really pig out.
> her first
> instinct was to let them be.
TOM: Hmmm... Mother Mary must've come to her in times of trouble.
> The slither she had killed
> would supply meat for many days.
MIKE: Thanks to the groceries that the slither had been carrying home.
> Then she thought of
> Julian lying injured nearby and how he would need both
> food, and coverings.
CROW: That gave her a good laugh.
> With his welfare in mind she killed
> every creature she encountered which could supply fur or
> feathers to make a blanket of fur and a soft pillow for
> his head.
MIKE: (Alis) I destroyed the ecosystem. But I did it for you, Julian.
CROW: For some reason, she killed a lot of porcupines.
TOM: By the way, porcupines are called "prickers" on this planet.
> The meat she alternately smoked over a bed of
> leaves,
MIKE: Those Felistian kids think smoking meat is so cool.
CROW: I blame that cartoon camel.
> left to dry in strips in the sun, or baked in a
> roasting pit lined with leaves and stones she scavenged
> from around the debris strewn river side.
TOM: I always thought cats were lazier than this.
> When she next examined Julian it was to find him
> still without consciousness, and it appeared to her that he
> would remain that way for some time to come.
MIKE: The most lifeless character since Bernie in _Weekend at Bernie's_.
TOM: Or Al Gore in _The Clinton Administration_.
> Rather than
> waste time sitting with him,
CROW: She sat at the table where all the "cool kids" ate lunch.
> when she could be doing better
> things she, she left his side once again,
MIKE: Whoops, the fanfic is skipping.
> to collect enough
> fire fuel to build a ring of fire that would burn for an
> hour or more.
TOM: (singing) Ah fell into a burnin' ring of fire...
> Once the best protection she could provided for Julian
> had been arranged she left him to scout for fruits that she
> knew he enjoyed eating.
MIKE: Julian loves fruit all right, especially melons.
> As she searched, she kept an eye
> out for the plants she knew she could make a drinking gourd
> from.
CROW: She could hollow out Boris Yeltsin's head.
>
> *******************************
TOM: Damn dust bunnies.
> When Julian came once more to his senses it was to
> the soothing sensation of warm water flowing over his body,
> followed by the gentle touch of a soft cloth on his skin.
CROW: He's waking up in a Neutrogena commercial!
> He opened his eyes to find Alis cleaning him down,
MIKE: Once a maid, always a maid.
> a gourd
> for a bowl, with water smelling of disinfectants, that
> steamed with heat.
TOM: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
> Alis bade him to stay still while she cleaned his
> body and bound his wounds, with the supplies meant for own
> use. During the course of her work, she took the time to
> give him water and soft fruit pulp that she had mashed up
> in another gourd bowl.
CROW: I guess the supermarket was out of Gerber's.
> He fell into a deep sleep with a smile on his face.
MIKE: He's having that dream about Leonardo DiCaprio again.
> He did not see how worried Alis was, she hid her concern
> from him.
TOM: She also hid the cookie jar from him.
> When Julian awoke it was to see her sewing together
> fur pelts together with a needle carved out of a strong
> twig.
CROW: I have this horrible feeling she's gonna build a hang glider.
> He watched her silently, till she looked at him,
MIKE: (Alis) I can't concentrate with you staring at me like that.
> setting aside her sewing to bring him water and food again,
> within half an hour he was sleeping again.
TOM: Taking care of Julian is part of Alis' "Preparing for Motherhood"
class.
> This was the way of things for the next three days,
> whenever Julian woke, he would find Alis working, either
> sewing pelts, skinning animals and snakes, preparing hide
> or meat.
CROW: But did he get off his lazy butt? Nooooooo...
> On the fourth day, Julian woke and instantly he
> realised something was different.
MIKE: The sun, moon, and stars had been created.
> He looked around to see
> the litter he had rested on now being used by Alis to sleep
> on.
TOM: Give a hoot, don't pollute!
> Looking down, he saw that he was resting on a litter
> made of strong branches and hide which had been laced into
> place around the branches.
CROW: (Julian) Someone's been to Pier One Imports!
> Soft furs had been stitched
> together to create a sleeping bag, and under his head, he
> discovered a soft fur pillow stuffed with feathers.
MIKE: She killed Tweety and Sylvester to make Julian a pillow.
> When he turned his attention to the base of his
> litter he found a large number of snake hide sacks.
TOM: Sacks for snakes to hide in? Why would Alis make those?
> With
> much grimacing and hissing between his teeth,
CROW: Julian impersonated Harvey Fierstein.
> he sat up to
> explore the contents of the sacks.
MIKE: (Julian) Cool! She bought me some gummi bears!
> He found fruit, that was
> not yet ripe, gourds and little snack skin sacks that
> contained bone and wood needles and thin strips of hide
> thong,
TOM: Ah, his wardrobe has arrived.
> what looked and smelled like bird meat wrapped in
> layers of leaves bound with thong, and fillets of meat
> bound the same way.
CROW: I like my wilderbeast medium well, thanks.
> The last sack that he opened he found to contain
> rough and ready clothing made from snake skin, fur and
> hide.
MIKE: The new fall fashions from Conan Klein.
> He pulled it out to examine and found a tunic made
> of fur - inside and out.
TOM: And somewhere, Barney Rubble is walking around nude.
> There was also a breech clout
> made of soft hide and snake skin with thongs like ribbons.
CROW: The things you'll find at Sharper Image!
> Assuming the clothes were meant for his use, Julian
> dressed himself in the tunic and breech clout and
MIKE: Looked like John the Baptist.
> puzzled
> over the snake skins.
TOM: (Julian) Duh... snakes shed?
> There were four of them,
CROW: John, Paul, George, and Ringo.
> two with the
> ribbon like thong on either end,
MIKE: Let's say the word "thong" a few more times. Thong, thong, thong,
thong, thong, thong, thong. There, is it out of our system now?
> two more that were open on
> only one end, and had long thongs attached to the open end.
TOM: They were for Long Thong Silver.
> Were they meant for future storage of food and supplies he
> wondered.
CROW: I'd never eat food that came out of someone's thong.
> He returned them to the sack, and tried standing.
> His legs threatened to fall under him, so he sat, gathering
> his strength for some minutes.
MIKE: You can recover 1 hit point by resting for 30 minutes.
TOM: Mike, don't turn this story into a roleplaying game. It's boring
enough as it is.
> When he tried to stand again,
CROW: He found he'd been tied to his high chair.
> he almost fell before
> going to his hands and knees and, as quietly as was
> possible for him,
MIKE: Which was pretty darned loud, actually...
> crawled away to answer the call of nature
> and bathe in the river.
TOM: At the same time? YUCK!
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. TOM, CROW, and GYPSY are behind the counter. From
offscreen,
we hear a variety of bizarre and disturbing sound effects. It sounds
like
a man is being tortured in a variety of devious ways.]
TOM: (noticing CAMBOT) Oh, hi there! As you may notice, our fearless
leader is not present at the moment.
CROW: That's right, Tom. You see, we decided to give Mike a life test
to
determine whether he's fit to be the commander of the SOL. Right
now, he's making his way through a series of rigorous - some would
say "inhumane" - obstacles we've set up throughout the satellite.
GYPSY: What Mike doesn't know is that the test is really just a
formality
and that he'll be commander whether he passes or not.
CROW: And what Mike doesn't know won't hurt him!
(MIKE lets out a bloodcurdling scream. The BOTS tremble.)
TOM: That's about the ONLY thing that isn't hurting him right now!
(TOM and CROW share a laugh, but GYPSY only shakes her head. At that
moment, MIKE enters, looking like he's been through hell. He has
bruises
on his face, and his jumpsuit is ripped and charred. He nearly
collapses
as he reaches the counter.)
MIKE: (exhausted) I'm... finished... with... the... test.
GYPSY: (relieved) Oh, Mike! You're alive! I was SO worried!
MIKE: I'm... just... glad... it's... over.
CROW: Not so fast, Mike.
TOM: Yeah, Mike! There's ONE more obstacle to overcome.
MIKE: What is it?
CROW: You must do...
TOM and CROW: (ominously) The TV GUIDE crossword puzzle!!!
MIKE: Crossword puzzle...?
TOM: You'll find a copy of TV GUIDE under the counter here.
(MIKE reaches behind the counter and pulls out a copy of TV GUIDE with
Drew
Carey and Mimi on the cover)
CROW: Just flip to the back.
TOM: It's on the very last page, right after the horoscopes.
(MIKE wearily flips to the back and examines the puzzle)
MIKE: (reading aloud) One across. "He played Mel on _Alice_, seven
letters." Uhhhh... that's, uhhhh...
(MIKE finally passes out from exhaustion and slumps over the counter)
TOM: What a wuss.
CROW: Couldn't even handle a simple crossword puzzle! Good thing this
wasn't a REAL life test.
TOM: C'mon. Let's go play Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
CROW: Now THERE'S a test of skill and endurance!
(TOM and CROW exit, feeling secure in their superiority. The yellow
light
flashes.)
GYPSY: (to MIKE) For what it's worth, the answer was TAYBACK.
(MIKE groans)
[Planet Bumper]