[MiSTing] "The Odyssey" (4/5) THE SPECIAL EDITION
Tjats
normaly see five seats, the theater has shrunk to include six.]
PEARL: Brain Guy, you are soooo dead when we get back!
OBSERVER: Sorry, ma'am.
>From every side they came and sought the pit
>with rustling cries; and I grew sick with fear.
>But presently I gave command to my officers
>to flay those sheep the bronze cut down, and make
>burnt offerings of flesh to the gods below-
MIKE[as gods]: Uh, really, that's not necesary, well, okay.
>to sovereign Death, to pale Persephone.
>Meanwhile I crouched with my drawn sword to keep
>the surging phantoms from the bloody pit
ALL: SUUUUURGEing phantoms!
>till I should know the presence of Tiresias.
>
>One shade came first-
SERVO: A dull white.
>Elpenor, of our company,
>who lay unburied still on the wide earth
BOBO[as Odysseus]: Elpenor, what are you doing? Get back in the boat!
>as we had left him-dead in Circe's hall,
MIKE: I think our translator left a couple thousand parts of this epic out.
CROW: Can you blame him?
>untouched, unmourned, when other cares compelled us.
>Now when I saw him there I wept for pity
>and called out to him:
>
OBSERVER[as Odysseus]: Yo, Elpenor! You still owe me that thousand lyre!
>'How is this, Elpenor, how could you journey to the western gloom
>swifter afoot than I in the black lugger?'
MIKE: The whatsit?
>He sighed, and answered:
>
>'Son of great Laertes,
>Odysseus, master mariner and soldier,
OBSERVER: your table is ready.
>bad luck shadowed me, and no kindly power;
PEARL: So a black cat with Hitler's face followed him?
>ignoble death I drank with so much wine.
>I slept on Circe's roof, then could not see
>the long steep backward ladder, coming down,
>and fell that height. My neckbone, buckled under,
>snapped, and my spirit found this well of dark.
MIKE: Come on, Tim Allen's done that hundreds of times!
>Now hear the grace I pray for, in the name
>of those back in the world, not here-your wife
>and father, he who gave you bread in childhood,
>and your own child, your only son, Telemachus,
>long ago left at home.
SERVO[as Odysseus]: Who? Oh, yes, my son! I forgot all about him! I'd
better get back home, then! I was thinking of blundering on out here for
another five years.
>When you made sail and put these lodgins of dim Death behind,
>you will moor ship, I know, upon Aeaea Island;
CROW: I other words, 'beach it'.
>there, O my lord,
BOBO[as Odysseus]: That's real flatering but you can just call me Odysseus.
>remember me, I pray, do not abandon me unwept, unburied,
>to tempt the god's wrath, while you sail for home;
>but fire my corpse, and all the gear I had,
>and build a cairn for me above the breakers-
OBSERVER: So it won't...get...broken.
[Pearl hits Observer]
OBSERVER: Ow! Sorry.
>and unknown sailor's mark for men to come.
>Heap up the mound there, and implant upon it
>the oar I pulled in life with my companions.'
CROW: In other words, dump rocks on my body and stick an oar through 'em.
>
>He ceaced, and I replied:
>
>'Unhappy spirit, I promise you the barrow and the burial.'
>
MIKE: Here it comes, another Digger Smolken song.
SERVO[as Smolken]: And by my wife's rotting grave
I promise you the barrow and, thy knave,
Thy burrial.
>So we conversed, and grimly, at a distance,
>with my long sword between, guarding the blood,
>while the faint image of the lad spoke on.
PEARL[as Odysseus]: So...you died, huh?
CROW[as Elpenor]: Yup.
PEARL[as Odysseus]: Huh.
>Now came the soul of Anticlea, dead,
>my mother, daughter of Autolycus,
MIKE: Who was a used car salesman.
>dead now, though living still when I took ship
>for holy Troy. Seeing this ghost I
PEARL: called the Ghostbusters.
>but held her off, through pang on pang of tears,
>till I should know the presence of Tiresias.
>Soon from the dark that prince of Thebes came forward
>bearing a golden staff; and he addressed me:
>
BOBO: To Odysseus. 293 Shipping Lane, Aeaea-
PEARL: Stop that.
>'Son of Laertes and the gods of old,
>Odysseus, master of landways and seaways,
>why leave the blazing sun, O man of woe,
>see the cold dead and the joyless region?
CROW: Wait, this is the self-inserted guy, right?
MIKE: I think so.
CROW: Can you shut me down for the next five minutes?
PEARL: You touch Art, Nelson, and you're going to get it!
>Stand clear, put up your sword;
>let me but taste the blood, I shall speak true.'
>
>At this I stepped aside, and in the scabbard
>let my long sword ring home to the pommel silver,
ALL: Huh?
>as he bent down to the somber blood. Then spoke
>the prince of those with gift of speech:
MIKE: Speech: Your precious gift.
SERVO: Next to virginity, True.
>
>'Great captain, a fair wind and the honey lights of home
>are all you seek. But anguish lies ahead;
BOBO: In fact, there it is!
[Servo screams in anguish.]
>the god who thunders on the land prepares it,
>not to be shaken from your track,
SERVO[James Bond]: but to be stirred.
>implacable,
>in rancor for the son whose eye you blinded.
>One narrow strait may take you through his blows:
>denial of yourself, restraint of shipmates.
>When you make landfall on Thrinacia first
MIKE: The land is falling! The land is falling! We have to tell Foxy Loxy!
>and quit the violet sea, dark on the land
>you'll find the grazing herds of Helios
>by whom all things are seen, all speech is known.
SERVO: Oh, AOL.
>Avoid these kine, hold fast to your intent,
>and hard seafaring brings you all Ithaca.
>But if you raid the beeves, I see destruction
>for ship and crew. Though you survive alone,
>bereft of all companions, lost for years,
>under strange sail shall you come home, to find
>your own house filled with trouble: insolent men
>eating your livestock as they court your lady.
PEARL[as Odysseus]: But it was like that when I left. I...uh...haven't
been loving to my wife lately.
>Aye, you shall make those men atone in blood!
>But after you have dealt out death-in open
>combat or by stealth-to all the suitors,
>go overland on foot, and take an oar,
>until one day you come where men have lived
>with meat unsalted, never known the sea,
>nor seen seagoing ships, with crimson bows
>and oars that fledge light hulls for dipping flight.
MIKE: Are any of you paying atention?
CROW: No.
SERVO: No.
OBSERVER: No.
PEARL: No.
MIKE: Bobo?
[Bobo is snoring]
MIKE: Okay, then, I'll leave.
[Mike starts to get up, but Pearl points at him.]
PEARL: SIT DOWN!
MIKE: Yes, ma'am.
>The spot will soon be plain to you, and I
>can tell you how: some passerby will say,
>'What winnowing fan is that upon your shoulder?'
ALL BUT BOBO: Huh?
>Halt, and implant your smooth oar in the turf
>and make fair sacrifice to Lord Poseidon:
>a ram, a bull, a great buck boar; turn back,
>and carry out pure hectacombs at home
>to all wide heaven's lords, the undying gods,
CROW[Monty Python voice]: Oop! They just died!
>to each in order. Then a seaborne death
>soft as this hand of mist will come upon you
>when you are wearied out with rich old age,
>your country folk in blessed peace around you.
>And all this shall be just as I fortell.'
SERVO: And the whole story is summed up in three minutes.
CROW: And it's just like the author's character to be the know-it-all, too.
>
>The Sirens
PEARL: Appearing live in concert. Tickets avaliable now.
>
>(Odysseus returns to Circe's Island. The goddess reveals his course to
>him and gives advice on how to avoid the dangers he will face:
SERVO: What about burying that other non-descript character?
>the Sirens, who lure sailors to their destruction;
MIKE: Whoda thunk that fire engines could be attractive?
>the Wandering Rocks, sea rocks that destroy even birds in flight;
CROW: Well, blind low-flying birds anyway...
>the perils of the sea monster Scylla and, nearby, the whirlpool
>Charybidis; and the cattle of the sun god, which Tiresias has warned
>Odysseus not to harm.)
>
>As Circe spoke,
OBSERVER: ...Odysseus fell asleep.
>Dawn mounted her golden throne,
MIKE: Hey, what about the fingertips of rose thing?
>and on the first rays Circe left me, taking
>her way like a great goddess up the island.
SERVO: But, she IS a goddess!
>I made straight for the ship, roused up the men
>to get aboard and cast off at the stern.
>They scrambled to their places by the rowlocks
>and all in line dipped oars in the gray sea.
MIKE: Now, it is apparent at this point that Homer is blind.
>But soon an offshore breeze, a lusty shipmate
>sent by the singing nymph with sunbright hair.
PEARL: Is Odysseus drunk as he tells this story?
SERVO[drunk]: Then the pink elephhhants danced across the ocean and flew
away into the marshhhmallowy clouds...
>So we made fast the braces,
MIKE: Quick orthodontists.
>and we rested,
>letting the wind and stersman work the ship.
>The crew being now silent before me, I
>addressed them, sore at heart:
>
>'Dear friends, more than one man, or two, should know
> those things
>Circe foresaw for us and shared with me,
>so let me tell her forecast:
CROW: She says there will be a light shower coming from the east sometime
tomorrow, but clear skies till then...
>then we die with our eyes open,
MIKE: That's not a very good morale-boosting speech, sir.
>if we are going to die,
>or know what death we baffle if we can. Sirens
>weaving a haunting song over the sea
>we are to shun, she said, and their green shore
>all sweet with clover; yet she urged that I
>alone listen to their song.
OBSERVER: That's awfully selfish.
[Bobo starts to snore louder]
>Therefore
>you are to tie me up, tight as a splint,
CROW: ...and spank me. No, no, wait!
>erect along the mast, lashed to the mast,
MIKE: Bashed on the mast.
SERVO: Splashed goes the past.
CROW: Nashed in the blast.
PEARL: Rashed with a nast.
OBSERVER: Faulty with some ham.
MIKE, 'BOTS, PEARL: Huh?
OBSERVER: Sorry.
>and if I shout and beg to be untied,
>take more turns of the rope to muffle me.'
>
>I rather dwelt on this part of the forecast,
SERVO: The heavy showers and low pressure areas were advancing fast.
>while our good ship made time, bound outward down
>the wind for the strange island of Sirens.
>Then all at once the wind fell, and a calm
>came over all the sea, as though
MIKE: ...a clam had come over all the sea.
>some power
>lulled the swell.
>The crew were on their feet briskly, to furl the sail, and
> stow it;
SERVO: So, when nothing happens, the crew panicks?
MIKE: Guess so.
>then
>each in place, they poised the smooth oar blades
>and sent the white foam scudding by. I carved
>a massive cake of beeswax
CROW: Yum.
[Bobo's snoring is getting louder.
Pearl gets up, walks over to Bobo and hits him on the head]
BOBO: I'm up! I'm up!
>into bits
>and rolled them in my hands until they softened-
>no long task, for a burning heat came down
>from Helios, lord of high noon.
OBSERVER: Which gods hate him, and which gods help him? This is so
confusing!
>Going forward
>I carried wax along the line,
SERVO: What line?
>and laid it
>thick on their ears. They tied me up, then, plumb
>amidships, back to the mast, lashed to the mast,
SERVO: Dashed with some hash...browns.
MIKE: Servo, cut it out.
>and took themselves again to rowing. Soon,
>as we came smartly within hailing distance,
SERVO: How could you be smart if you headed TOWARDS the danger?!?
>the two Sirens, noting our fast ship
>off their point, made ready, and they sang:
ALL: Ooooooh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...
>
> This way, oh turn your bows,
> Achea's glory,
> As all the world allows-
> Moor and be merry
CROW[as Odysseus]: Devils! They're singing *our* song!
>
> Sweet coupled airs we sing.
> No lonely seafarer
> Holds clear of entering
> Our green mirror
OBSERVER: How can you enter a mirror?
>
> Pleased by each purling note
> Like honey twining
> From her throat and my throat,
> Who lies a-pining?
CROW: Hey! They're actually rhyming! Wow!
>
> Sea rovers here take joy
> Voyaging onward,
> As from our song of Troy
> Graybeard and rower-boy
> Goeth more learned.
SERVO[singing]: Investeth money in college.
>
> All feats on that great field
> In the long warfare,
> Dark days the bright gods willed,
> Wounds you bore there,
PEARL: It's amazing how he can remember all this years later.
>
> Argos' old soldiery
> On Troy beach teeming,
> No life on earth can be
> Hid from our dreaming.
>
>The lovely voices in ardor appealing over the water
>Made me crave to listen, and I tried to say
MIKE: Shut up!
>'Untie me!' to the crew, jerking my brows;
>but they bent steady to the oars. Then Perimedes
MIKE: Ah, now it's time to introduce some more characters I forgot to
mention before.
>got to his feet, he and Eurylochus,
>and passed more line about, to hold me still.
>So all rowed on, until the Sirens
>dropped under the sea rim, and their singing dwindled away.
>
>My faithful company
CROW: ...called Odysseus Inc. ...
>rested on their oars now, peeling off
>the wax that I had laid thick on their ears;
>then set me free.
BOBO: So what was Odysseus doing with all that beeswax anyway?
>
>Scylla and Charybdis
>
CROW: Servo, I was wondering what you meant by saying all those
Scylla and Charybdis jokes.
SERVO: Me, too.
>But scarcely had that island faded in blue air than I saw smoke
MIKE: ...coming from my ship and we all burned up and died.
ALL: Yaaaay!
>and white water, with sound of waves in tumult-
>a sound the men heard, and it terrified them.
MIKE: No, no...[Yoda] Terrified them, it did.
>Oars flew from their hands; the blades went knocking
>wild alongside till the ship lost way,
CROW: Weigh, we need more weigh over here! Forget the curds!
>with no oar blades to drive her through the water.
[Mike makes a car driving noise, imitating Odysseus' ship.]
>
>Well, I walked up and down from bow to stern,
>trying to put heart into them, standing over
>every oarsman, saying gently,
SERVO[threateningly]: YOU LOUSY WORMS CAN'T ROW WORTH A NICKEL! YOU SHOULD
BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES! MY MOMMA COULD BEAT YOU IN A RACE ANY DAY, AND
SHE'S GOT APENDICIDIS!
>
>'Friends, have we never been in danger before this?
>More fearsome, is it now, than when the Cyclops
>penned us in his cave? What power he had!
>Did I not
OBSERVER[as Odysseus]: cry like a baby and hide under the covers?
> keep my nerve, and use my wits
>to find a way out for us?
ALL: Not really.
>Now I say by hook or crook
[All snicker]
>this peril too shal be
>something that we remember.
>Heads up, lads! We must obey the orders as I give them.
CROW: So, he has to follow his own orders as well as the crew?
MIKE: That's what he said.
>Get the oar shafts in your hands, and lay back
>hard on your benches; hit these breaking seas.
PEARL: And what exactly are they afraid of again?
>Zeus help us pull away before we founder.
>You at the tiller,
SERVO[as tiler guy]: Who, me?
CROW[as Odysseus]: No, the floating pixy next to you. OF COURSE YOU!
> listen, and take in
>all that I say-
BOBO: Ah, he's a secretary.
> the rudders are your duty;
>keep her out of the combers and the smoke;
PEARL: You mean the stylists with the hair spray?
>steer for that headland; watch the drift, or we
>fetch up in the smother, and you drown us.'
CROW[as tiller guy]: Umm... eat the last cream puff, watch Ally McBeal.
Got it.
>
>That was all, and it brought them round to action.
MIKE: Well, those that hadn't fallen asleap, anyway...
>But as I sent them on toward Scylla, I
>told them nothing, as they could do nothing.
PEARL: How about *rowing*?
>They would have dropped their
CROW: pants.
> oars again, in panic,
>to roll for cover under the decking. Circe's
>bidding against arms had slipped my mind,
BOBO: How conveeeeeeeeeeenient.
>so I tied on my cuirass and took up
Cbot1:>cuirass: armor for the upper body
MIKE: Cambot, why don't you go and lay down or something, huh?
CAMBOT: But I'm filming the show.
MIKE: Forget it.
>two heavy spears, then made my way along
>to the foredeck-thinking to see her first from there,
>the monster of the gray rock, harboring
>torment for my friends.
MIKE: Oh, the monster is Pearl Forrister?
[The 'Bots laugh, Pearl gets up and heads toward Mike.]
PEARL: What was that?
MIKE: Oh, hi. I forgot you were in here...
[Pearl hits Mike in the jaw, and he falls down. Pearl goes back to her seat
and sits down.]
> I strained my eyes
>upon the cliffside veiled in cloud, but nowhere
>could I catch sight of her.
>And all this time, in travail, sobbing, gaining on the current,
>we rowed into the strait-Scilla to port
>and on our starboard beam Charybdis, dire
>gorge of the salt-sea tide. By heavan! When she
>vomited, all the sea was like a cauldron
>seething over intense fire, whe the mixture
>suddenly heaves and rises.
CROW[as Charybdis, sick-like]: I'm sorry, I have the flu.
>The shot plume soared to the landside heights, and fell like rain.
>
OBSERVER: Just get to the part where you die already!
>But when she swallowed the sea water down
>we saw the funnel of the malestrom, heard
Cbot1:>malestrom: a large, violent whirlpool
PEARL: Cambot, if you don't stop it with those stupid definitions, I
will rip you apart and use the spare parts to build a one-time-use camera!
Cbot1:>fear: what I am currently experiencing
>the rock bellowing all around, and dark
>sand raged on the bottom far below.
>My men all blanched against the gloom, our eyes were fixed upon that yawning
> mouth
[All but Mike(who is still on the floor) yawn.]
> in fear
>of being devoured.
>Then Scylla mad her strike, whisking six of my best men from the ship.
BOBO: Why do the baddies always have to take the best men?
MIKE: Well, there's always Ensign Throwaway.
>I hapened to glance aft at ship and oarsmen
>and caught sight of their arms and legs, dangling
>high overhead.
[Mike gets up from the floor and sits down.]
MIKE: Ow... sorry, Pearl.
CROW: You okay, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah, I'm fine.
> Voices came down to me
>in anguish, calling my name for the last time.
>
>A man surfcasting on a point of rock
>for bass or mackerel, whipping his long rod
>to drop the sinker and the bait far out,
>will hook a fish and rip it from the surface
>to dangle wriggling through the air:
ALL: Huh?
PEARL: What does this have to do with anything?
>so these were borne aloft in spasams toward the cliff.
>
MIKE: Well, anyway, back to the story...
>She ate them as they shrieked there, in her den,
>in the dire grapple, reaching still for me-
>and deathly pity ran me through
>at that sight-far the worst I ever suffered,
>questing the passes of the strange sea.
>We rowed on. The Rocks were now behind;
SERVO[as Sean Conery]: I shigned on to be a shtearsman sho I could eshcape
the Rochk.
> Charbdis, too,
>and Scylla dropped astern. ...
MIKE: Well, so much for that inaction sequence.
PEARL: Brain Guy, get us out of here right now!
OBSERVER: Yes, madam.
[Observer, Pearl and Bobo pop out, and Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater
the regular way.]
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