[MiSTing] [Rated R] A Warrior's Lament, Part 3 of 3
Juliet A. Youngren
Story by Osiris Brackhaus
MiSTing by Dreelyn <dre...@aol.com>
and Juliet Youngren <jayo...@prairienet.org>
NOTE: The piece of fiction contained in this MiSTing is rated R. It
also contains spoilers for _Fellowship of the Ring_.
[Bridge of the SOL. Joel and the Bots are clustered around a computer
screen.]
Tom: So, Joel, what's with this "slash" thing, anyway?
Joel: Well, slash is very popular with fanfic writers right now. It
seems a lot of people really enjoy writing and reading about
their favorite characters in these kinds of situations. Look
at this. [He clicks the mouse.] I show over 10,000 Lord of
the Rings stories on the Internet, and about 75% of them appear
to be slash.
Crow: [looking at screen] Legolas and Gimli?
Tom: Saruman and Sauron?
Both: Gandalf and Pippin??
Joel: And it's not just Lord of the Rings. [He clicks the mouse.]
See, there are slash stories for any characters you can think
of, and real people too....
Crow: Wait, Joel, look at that!
Joel: Whoa--guys, I don't think we should look at--
Tom: No, Joel. We should. Those are slash stories--about US!!
Joel: [reads] The Satellite of Male Love?!
Crow: Let's check one out! Come on, Joel!
[Joel clicks a link and they lean in close to look at the story.
Joel's hair stands on end, Crow's net flips upside down, and Tom
spouts steam out the top of his dome, blowing off the lid.]
Joel: [looking dazed] Yikes. Who *writes* these things?
Tom: Well, this one's by "GypsieRose."
[short pause, then:]
Tom: They're *all* by that "GypsieRose"...
Crow: ... whose email address is "Gypsi...@sol.com."
All: GYPSY!!
[Gypsy enters]
Gypsy: Hi, guys!
Joel: Gypsy! You have some explaining to do, Missy!
Gypsy: Oh, I see you found my stories.
Tom: How could you write such...such...SMUT?!
Gypsy: Oh, don't get bent out of shape. Those were just experiments.
Tom: So publically destroying our dignity was a phase you were going
through?
Gypsy: Lots of people think these stories are really hot!
Tom: ...Really?
Crow: ...Well, of course they would. We're the stars, after all.
Joel: Yes, but that's a story about you, Crow, having...relations...
with Tom Servo.
Crow: I don't see...oh. Oh...my.
Tom: [chuckling] Hey, I can't blame you, Crow...a handsome bot like
me....
Crow: You take that back, Tom Servo!
Gypsy: If this were my story, you'd both fall into each other's arms
about now.
[Crow and Tom turn to look at Gypsy, then launch themselves at her.]
Gypsy: Hey, cool it, they're just stories! Besides, I'm writing for
another pairing now that's *much* more popular than you guys.
[Crow and Tom pause in their attack.]
Tom: Who's that?
Gypsy: Frank and Dr. Forrester.
Joel: Oh, well, that's perfectly acceptable.
Crow: Hey Joel, think Dr. F and Frank would enjoy a little light
reading?
Joel: You know, Crow, I think they just might....
[Joel starts typing]
Joel: [reading as he types] To MadSci...@deep13.com,
TVsF...@deep13.com: If you want to see some great stories,
check out the Gypsie Rose Archive at this address....
Tom: Won't they know you sent this?
Joel: Nope, I'm using my anonymous free account. Aaaaand send.
[Joel presses a button and grins. Lights and buzzers.]
Joel: And now WE'VE GOT SLASH SIGN!
[Door sequence]
[Theater. They enter and sit down.]
>
> [~~~]
Tom: [sings] Like a bridge over troubled water...
> We lay together, holding each other,
Crow: Bit tough to hold each other if you're lying apart...
> and Aragorn lightened
> my heart more than he knew with
Joel: Filling it with helium.
> joking about his stupidity
> to 'taunt me with his hands in my pants'.
Tom: Well, it's pretty pointless to make rude gestures if no one can
see them.
> So whatever hurt
> I had done to him could not have been so deep as I had
> feared, if such a short time later he was able to laugh
> about it.
Crow: [Aragorn] Hehe...never mind about that rape, Boromir....water
under the bridge!
> So close to each other,
Joel: And yet, so far...
> emotionally so exhausted, it was
> near impossible to ignore the lure of our bare bodies, and
> soon we began anew, kissing each other, caressing.
Tom: [bored] Yeah, sure. That's where you were ten pages ago.
Nothing's going to happen this time either, right?
Crow: This is beginning to sound like a steamy episode of "Dawson's
Creek".
> And this time, I would be as careful and gentle as I could
> ever be.
Crow: Suuuure--just like last time...
> I lay on my back and placed him on top of me,
Joel: The Middle-Earth Naked Doubles Luge team, ladies and gentlemen!
> so
> that he would never feel confined and could decide to move
> away from me whenever he liked.
Tom: [Boromir] So that this time, when I started to rape him, he
could escape.
> Slowly, I took my time to
> make him relax, to make him feel secure.
Crow: Watch out, Aragorn! Boromir's lulling you into a false sense
of security so he can take advantage of you. Again.
> I gently and
> thoroughly prepared him this time,
Tom: [Boromir] ...gently basting him all over with butter...carefully
rubbing him with cloves of garlic....
> taking care that he
> would not tense up to such an unusual sensation.
Joel: And now for no reason whatsoever, Legolas shows up and shoots
them both with an arrow.
Crow: Yes! Legolas needs more air time in this story.
Tom: Nooo! That'll mean another fifty pages of foreplay!
> Thus, when
> I finally entered his body, I found him surprisingly
Crow: All gooey and bloody and soft inside?
Tom: F...finally...entered?! I can't believe it--the only sensation
I'm feeling now is relief that SOMETHING IS HAPPENING!
Crow: Wouldn't "finally" imply that he hasn't been here before?
Joel: Semantics, Crow, semantics...
> accepting, more so than many other men I had lain with
> before.
Joel: Yeah, opening up someone with a rape will often make him more
receptive...
> Moving slowly, I waited to see if he would be able to
> acquaint himself with a part of me moving inside of him,
Crow: [Aragorn] Hello, Part-of-Boromir. So nice to meet you.
Finally.
> and though his first reaction was but a harsh and rugged
> drawing in of breath,
Tom: Yep, Aragorn's breathing is very macho.
> he relaxed more and more, his
> movements and his breath steadily filling with delight.
Crow: [Boromir] Aragorn, how about sharing the bong with me
once in a while?
Joel: Or maybe Aragorn's having another of those asthma attacks....
Tom: How do movements fill with delight?
Crow: His shoulderblades and gloriously unwashed hair (which smelled
faintly of roses and tree sap) filled with delight.
> And I delighted in it, as well, very well indeed. To feel
> my lover's body on top of mine,
Tom: Crushing him, God willing.
> to feel him react with
> every move of mine,
> feel him writhe,
Tom: ...in agony...
> hear him suppress a
Crow: ...yawn...
> moan, it all fuelled my passions until, once again, they
> blanketed out all rational though of mine.
Joel: Medic! Boromir's blacking out again!
Crow: I guess he has poor circulation--not enough blood left to get
to his brain.
Joel: That would explain so much.
> But, alas, this time I did no harm,
Tom: [Boromir] Alas! I was HOPING to maim him for life--or at least
make him cry a little.
Joel: [Boromir] I tried raping him and he just laughed it off!
Doesn't *anything* bother this guy?
> and when I came back to
> my senses again,
Tom: As far as I can tell, Boromir has *never* come to his senses in
this story.
Joel: Why doesn't he just save time and fall into a permanent coma?
> I felt my lover's sweat-covered body still
> lying on top of mine, both of us breathing heavily.
Crow: [Boromir] Alas, I seem to black out every time I have sex.
Tom: [Boromir] Was it good for me, too?
> My
> passions had been wild and hardly controllable, yet after
> they had passed their peak, they receded to leave a lasting
> feeling of
Joel: Exhaustion?
Tom: Tiredness?
Crow: Disgust?
> contentment, that kind of mellow happiness that
> slows your wits and makes you smirk constantly.
Joel: Well, Boromir's got the slow wits and Aragorn smirks
constantly.
Tom: If Boromir's wits get any slower, he's going to be clinically
dead.
Crow: I'm telling you, they're both stoned off their gourds.
> So I smirked when Aragorn let himself slide off my body,
> still panting, looking at me with eyes wide of wondrous
> delight.
All: [sing] His eyes nearly popped right out of his head/He gave a
squeal of glee...
Crow: And then Boromir rolls over and goes to sleep, right?
Tom: Hasn't he been sleeping the whole time?
Joel: Sleepwalking, at least.
> His intent
Crow: [Boromir] ...to kill me as soon as I slept...
> was clear in his eyes, and I couldn't
> have thought of anything else I'd rather have him do.
Crow: Hehe, me neither.
> For usually, I do not prefer to be on the receiving side of an
> arrangement like ours,
Tom: So Boromir's not into being raped himself, then?
Joel: You know what they say--those who can dish it out can't take
it.
> but happy and peaceful as I felt,
> when he slid behind me, asking me what to do next,
Crow: Amazing that getting raped and having sex with Boromir hasn't
cleared up that little conundrum.
> all I
> did was to smirk and show him the way.
>
> He needed very little help, as was to be expected,
Tom: [Aragorn] Der...round peg goes into round hole...?
> but when
> I felt him entering my body, it was less the physical
> sensation that made me groan with delight.
Tom: [Boromir] It was the knowledge I was getting my pipes squeaky
clean and whitewashed!
> Being so close
> to your lover, hearing him next to you, feeling his body go
> tense, feel him inside you as well as next to you
Crow: Whoa, sounds like an out-of-body experience.
Tom: Why not? The rest of this has been an out-of-mind experience.
Joel: Too bad it isn't an out-of-sight experience.
> is a
> feeling that is hard to describe.
Joel: [Boromir] But I'll spend the next twelve pages trying anyway.
> I could guess what he
> felt, for mere moments ago I had enjoyed the same
> pleasures--
Tom: [Boromir] But I was secure in the knowledge that I was better at
it than he was.
> but physically so close to him my mind echoed in
> delight with what he sensed, and his joy became mine as
> well.
Joel: Vulcan mind meld?
> Gently he increased his pace, and I felt him move within my
> body.
Tom: [Boromir] ...gradually sucking out all that remained of me like
some vast, nasty parasite...
> But within my mind, I felt his passions rise, felt
> his mind close to mine, as in unison, moving like dancers
> in mirroring steps, joined in the same dance.
Crow: These two just get fruitier and fruitier, don't they?
> Strangely to me it was that this night I was able to find
> joy in offering myself,
Tom: To some pagan god as a human sacrifice?
> dignity in submission, whereas
> before I had only done so in attempt to return dutifully
> what had been given to me before.
Tom: Huh?
Crow: What?
Joel: Hey--don't look at me!
> I felt his movements gain momentum, his passion ready to
> burst, but suddenly, unexpectedly, he retracted, stopping
> himself, panting silently.
Joel: New philosophy question: If an Aragorn pants silently in the
forest, does he make a sound?
Tom: And if he's silently panting, how can Boromir hear him?
> "What's wrong?" I asked.
>
> "I--" he began, still breathing hard. "I don't want to
> finish--like this..."
Tom: But we really *want* you to finish!
Crow: [Aragorn] Dammit, I'm a ranger! A *ranger*! And this is *not*
what I call "foraging"!
> I turned around to look at his face, hot and shining with
> sweat.
>
> And deep within his dark eyes, glinting as ever,
Tom: I don't trust those dark, glinty eyes of his...
> I found a
> feeling, a sentiment so close to my own thoughts, that it
> hardly needed any words between us.
Joel: ...And Boromir's heart grew three sizes that day...
> As I reveled now in my
> lover's feelings,
Crow: [sings] FEEEEEEElings...wo, wo, wo, FEEEEEEElings....
> he did in mine. And by lying behind my
> back, holding me in his arms, he could feel my body react,
> but was unable to see my face.
Tom: Well, thanks for clearing that up for me.
Joel: Clear...up?
> He wanted to join not only
> in body, but be close to my mind as well, and his wish
> honored me and filled me with joy.
Crow: Isn't Aragorn supposed to be having some kind of perfect love
that transcends time and space for Arwen?
Joel: Well, only on weekdays. He needs *some* time off from that.
> So I turned around on my back, cushioning my head and
> shoulders on one of the omnipresent, moss-covered roots.
Tom: I don't think the author really means "omnipresent." The roots
aren't everywhere in the whole world.
Crow: Ha! That's what they *want* you to think.
> Motioning Aragorn to move up to me, I placed him between my
> legs, his face close to mine,
Tom: I hope by "mine", he means his *face*...
> the dark strands of his hair
> touching my face every now and then.
Crow: I don't get the physics of this position.
Joel: Um, I think Boromir's in Aragorn's lap.
Tom: Huh? I thought it was the other way around.
Crow: Boromir's on his back, isn't he?
Joel: Well, um... [scratches head] You're right.
Tom: So if Aragorn's...or if Boromir's...hmm.
Crow: Unless Aragorn's extremely well-endowed, or Boromir's a card-
carrying member of the Cirque du Soleil, I don't see how this
will work.
Joel: It'd have to be a very flexible Boromir, coupled by a very
well-endowed Aragorn. Uh, literally.
> The light in his eyes clearly showed that I had guessed his
> intentions, and that he was glad to find me sharing his
> wish.
Joel: Awww--they blew out the joint birthday candle!
> This time, he did not need any help at all, and when he
> slid into me, I saw his face split
Tom: ...and melt away, revealing the aliens holding the dreaded anal
probe...
> into a thin wolfish
> grin, full of feral desire, full of passion, his eyes
> glinting like steel
Crow: The Bionic Man!
> with intensity and delight, never for a
> second leaving mine.
>
> Seeing his face like this made me shudder with
Tom: Revulsion?
Joel: Fear?
Crow: Disgust?
> desire.
> Seeing him move on top of me made my heart race.
Joel: [Boromir] So...heavy...
> And move he did, alas!
Tom: [Boromir] While I was pinned down, he reached over and stole
my sandwich!
Crow: [Boromir] Damn that Aragorn! I wish he'd hold still and let me
sleep.
> Slowly at first, taking in every
> single sensation, intensely watching my face,
Tom: It must be somewhat disconcerting to have Aragorn staring you
down during sex...
> delighting in
> my every reaction. Then faster, bit by bit, until drops of
> sweat began to drip from his glinting body
Joel: He's got the Hi-Pro Glow!
Crow: No WONDER Aragorn's so skinny! All he gets is dog food!
Joel: It tastes awful, but it's good for his fur.
> onto my chest,
> running down strands of his hair into my face.
Joel: So now Boromir can smell like Herbal Essences Roses and Tree
Sap shampoo, too.
> And all the while, we held our look, feeling the other's
> passion rise, delighting in it, fuelling the other one even
> more with our delight. In an ever-increasing circle our
> minds had locked seemingly,
[All hum "Star Trek" battle music]
> and though the physical was by
> no means unpleasant, my world seemed to shrivel away
Joel: I don't think any man would use the word "shrivel" during sex.
Ever.
> until
> all it encompassed was the sensation of our two bodies
> entwined, crowned by the sight of my lovers face.
Tom: How do you crown a sensation? And with a face, no less?
Joel: You have to stop thinking so hard...
> I could see that Aragorn's body tried to make him close his
> eyes,
Crow: [Aragorn's body] Must...not...look...at...Boromir...
> to focus inwards in anticipation of the cascading
> sensations of his peaking passions, his hands clenched into
> my shoulders, yet he kept his eyes open, by sheer force of
> will.
Crow: [Aragorn] Must...look...at...Boromir...
Tom: Do I hear "Dueling Banjos"?
> The look in his eyes, burning with desire yet full of
> intent and force of will,
Joel: He seems to have a lot of will to go around.
> his lips tight with
> concentration, only now and then twitching,
Tom: ...with the nervous tic so often seen in serial killers...
> giving way to
> low moans of pleasure--even remembering his look made me
> shiver for days afterwards.
Crow: Like a bad horror movie.
> And so, when finally he could not hold on any longer, when
> the passion he had held back for so long had become
> unbearable, he let himself go
Joel: It's a shame that a good Ranger like Aragorn let himself go
like that.
> all at once, his eyes locked
> with mine all the time, willingly sharing his most intense
> moments with me, taking in my face all the while in turn.
Crow: Does the looking seem to last an eternity, or is that just me?
> And I could feel his passion bust like a barrel of wine
> that had been corked too early,
Tom: Um, do you cork barrels?
> exploding outwards,
Crow: YOWTCH! That's *gotta* hurt.
[Joel crosses his legs.]
> releasing so much build-up pleasure.
Tom: Uh, most wine isn't carbonated...
Joel: Maybe it's champagne.
Crow: Happy New Year!
> Aragorn let out a soft
> cry, mangled by his convulsing muscles,
Tom: His own larnyx is strangling him!
> his hands on my
> shoulders cramping, tearing my skin. I felt his sensations
> as I would have felt mine,
Tom: Now they're the Corsican Brothers!
Crow: How would Boromir know? He blacked out during his.
Joel: Right--it's "as I would have felt mine, if I hadn't been
unconscious at the time."
> so I thought,
Joel: See? He was just guessing anyhow.
> and when he
> finally closed his eyes, worn out, panting and
> sweat-covered on top of me, even my own hands trembled in
> memory of the latest moments.
Tom: [Aragorn] My GOD! What have I done?!
> Gently, I moved him down next to me into the moss,
Crow: With the fertilizer and potting soil...
> where he
> rolled himself into my arms, his face so serene and open I
> would have fallen in love with him again, had I not been
> utterly lost to him already.
Crow: Now Aragorn's apparently as foggy as Boromir.
Tom: Let's hope they don't find each other.
> Cuddled in my arms the mighty warrior lay,
Tom: Oxymoron too powerful...frying my circuits....
Joel: What kind of Moron?
> both our bodies
> steaming in the cooling night.
Crow: Like manure.
> I watched him for a long
> time, watched the face that now was as peaceful as it had
> been passionate and demanding only minutes ago.
Tom: [Boromir] Crap! I killed him.
Crow: Stupid Boromir.
> How a single man can have so many faces, each so very
> different to all the others, I mused.
Tom: Married men, of course, are masters of disguise. They have to
be.
> And how beautiful
> some of them could be, though the beautiful ones usually
> were the ones people hide best.
Crow: [sings] Some people take/a beautiful...Aragorn.../and hide him
away from the rest of the world...
> Especially men.
>
> But this man might be different. My man.
Joel: It's official--I now want to throw up everything I've ever
eaten.
> Holding him in my
> arms, studying his face, I saw that often when I had
> thought him condescending he truly had only tried to be of
> help.
Crow: Which, of course, Boromir was too stupid to catch on to.
> And that the worry that had creased his face whenever
> we talked had not been annoyance, but sorrow of love
> unrequited.
Tom: Trust me, Boromir, it was annoyance.
>
> Once more I wondered how stupid and unperceptive I could
> be,
Crow: We've been wondering about that all through the story!
Tom: Perhaps he would have been less stupid and unperceptive if he'd
stayed conscious.
> and wondered all the more how he could still love me
> after all that I had done.
Tom: [Sings] Oh, I wonder, wonder, do-wop-a-do-wop-dooooo....
>
> [~~~]
Crow: I wonder if there's a troll hiding under that bridge.
>
> Finally, Aragorn opened his eyes again, blinking into my
> face like a child into the sun of morning,
Joel: ...and then going blind?
> barely able to
> hide that insidious smirk.
Crow: Sounds like Aragorn's been plotting Boromir's demise all
night...
> I kissed him gently on his
> forehead, and having nothing to say,
Joel: Why do I find that hard to believe?
> I left our embrace to
> collect some of our wide-strewn clothing to form some kind
> of protective cover for us, as the night began to cool.
Joel: So now Boromir's building a shelter?
Tom: [Boromir] It's a good thing you wore an extra-long cloak, my
love.
> We lay together in silence for quite a time,
Crow: I'm sure Boromir couldn't be silent for more than 30 seconds,
tops.
> and more than
> once I thanked all the powers involved for gifting me with
> such a love, repeatedly within a single night.
Tom: [The Powers Involved] Arrrgh! Enough with the thanking!
>
> So I thanked Aragorn, too, for his acceptance and
> forgiveness,
Crow: ...for his being a total doormat...
> for his giving tonight had healed my heart in
> many ways, though I had deserved nothing so kind.
Joel: Especially after raping him.
> But he in
> turn called me sweet, and caring, and valiant; and his
> sweet words filled my heart to the brim.
Tom: Now he's delusional--I don't recall Aragorn saying that!
Joel: He must have envisioned it during the blackout.
> We could have
> stayed like this, holding each other, exchanging silly
> praise,
Crow: [Boromir] You look radiant, Puff-muffin.
Tom: [Aragorn] Thank you, Lug-o-Lover.
> hard to believe yet received and cherished with all
> our hearts. We could have, had I not forcefully pursued a
> subject he squirmingly had tried to avoid.
Tom: And Boromir ruins the situation by being an idiot. Again.
Joel: Well, at least he's in character.
> I had asked him about the pendant he wore around his neck,
> for it seemed so very unfitting around the neck of a
> ranger, rugged and manly as he was.
Crow: You keep telling us that, but we don't believe it.
> But it had been a parting gift to him by the Lady Arwen,
> the daughter of the elf Elrond. A parting gift by his
> betrothed.
All: Doh!
Tom: Way to ruin the moment, Boromir.
> I had never had any foolish ideas about the two of us
> staying together happily ever after--
Joel: That's the most comforting thing I've heard so far.
Tom: It's the most *intelligent* thing I've heard so far.
> but the thought of him
> already being promised to a woman irked me.
Tom: [Boromir] So I throttled him. But I blacked out.
Crow: [Boromir] Oh no! What have I done *this* time?!
> Especially as I
> had come to know the Lady Arwen as beautiful and wise and,
> worst of all, as a very nice Lady.
Joel: [Boromir, as Jerry Lewis] Hey, LAY-DY! Nice elfy LAAAAAY-DY!
> So I pressed on, trying to force him to any kind of
> commitment, be it with me or the Lady Arwen.
Tom: Uh, why? A minute ago he said he was okay.
> And while I
> tried to mute the unnecessary insecurity in my heart,
Crow: I'd say that's necessary insecurity. The guy's engaged to
someone else!
> he stayed calm and thoughtful as ever, not giving promises he
> could not stand to in the light of dawn, nor rejecting me
> as a mere adventure
Tom: [Aragorn] I've conquered Mount Boromir!
> to stop my prodding.
Joel: [Aragorn] Quit poking me!
> I surely would
> have never dared to be so bold in my approach if I had
> known about his pledge,
Crow: How could he not know? Everybody knew.
Joel: Maybe he blacked that out, too.
Tom: [Boromir] Dude, you're engaged? Bummer.
> and I'd never even have thought
> about anything like tonight if I had known about the Lady
> Arwen's relation to Galadriel.
Crow: [Boromir] Now Galadriel's going to kill us. Way to go.
Tom: Stupid Boromir.
> But it had happened, as
> surely as I had tried to make him give me some kind of
> commitment and as surely as he had given none.
Crow: And the East-Going Zax and the West-Going Zax were facing each
other, stopped dead in their tracks....
> So after a while we both went back to silence.
Tom: [Aragorn, thinking] I just sold myself for a sandwich. I feel
so cheap.
> Aragorn, for
> he thought the matter settled, me as I had given up
> attacking his convictions
Tom: I get this sudden image of Boromir as Don Quixote...
> that seemed as unmovable as a
> mountain-range. Our talk had left me unsatisfied, and
> though I knew that his love was true,
Joel: [Boromir] 'Cause roses were red, and violets were blue...
> irrationally I
> thought that his noncommittal way lessened what had
> happened between us that night.
Tom: Now who's cheap, eh?
> And this even irked me
> more, for I usually do not mind encounters for a single
> night that disappear to nothing but pleasant memories in
> the light of dawn.
Crow: Why don't I think Aragorn's going to feel good about this in
the morning?
> But this time, I had hoped it to be
> different, hoped that, against all reason, our love would
> be mutually lasting.
Joel: I'd say that's against all reason!
>
> With a mute sigh of regret, I realised that I had truly,
> deeply fallen in love beyond redemption.
Crow: No taking Boromir back to the supermarket for your nickel
deposit.
>
> Fallen in love the way a man can only fall once.
>
> And of all the men there were, it had to be him.
All: [singing] It had to be him...it had to be him...
> So I pulled him closer into my arms, holding him tight,
Crow: [Aragorn] Can't...breathe...world...fading....
> so
> that when we had to part at dawn I would have at least the
> memory of one night with him.
Tom: [Boromir] ...before I killed him. If I can't have him, no one
can.
> Silence fell, and for a long time, the only sound was the
> occasional rustle of a gentle wind in the leaves above us
> and Aragorn's deep and regular breathing.
Tom: [Boromir] Great. He snores. Way to ruin the moment.
>
> [~~~]
Joel: Hey, it's the Bridge of Death! Where's the Old Man
From Scene 24?
>
> Then, when finally I had banished my somber thoughts deep
> enough to find some sleep, Aragorn said softly:
>
> "There is one thing I can promise you, though."
Tom: [Boromir] Dammit, you woke me up!
Crow: [Boromir] When I came to again, my hands were around his throat
and his face was an unnatural shade of purple....
> I listened up in astonishment--hadn't he been the one who
> had been so adamantly opposed to any promises?
>
> "I can promise you that, whatever happens, I will never
> hurt you.
Crow: [Aragorn] ...like you hurt me, you big hulking brute!
> I can promise that I will ever try to protect
> both your body and soul from harm, and that I will gladly
> give not only my life, but also my happiness to see it
> done."
Tom: As in, done in.
> I blinked in pure bewilderment at his words. What was this?
Joel: I guess the bloodflow went someplace else. It's not in his
brain.
Crow: It's either in one head or the other....
> "I cannot promise you what I will do in days to come, nor
> can I promise that all will be well.
Tom: Sheesh! Some politician he is.
> But I can tell that
> your life and happiness are so close to my heart that I
> will try to protect them at all costs."
>
> He had turned around to face me by then and I had to bite
> back my
Tom: [Boromir] ...tongue. Which I promptly swallowed, forever
ending my interminable monologues.
Crow: Wishful thinking, Tom.
> tears when I heard what he said.
>
> "And that I will always love you,
Joel: [sings, as Aragorn] And IIIIiiiiIIII...will always love you....
> whatever fate has been
> laid out before us," he finished, grinning at my
> flabbergasted expression.
>
> I was speechless for quite some time.
Tom: Yeah, sure.
> Hadn't he been the
> one who had intended to wait until all the war was over,
> who had thought that one of us might be dead by then
> anyway? I repeatedly failed to understand
Crow: No kidding!
> what had brought
> about his sudden change of mind.
Joel: Aliens. Had to be aliens...
> And what a thorough change
> it had been! I felt gifted thrice in a single night,
Crow: Boromir's God-complex is getting worse--now he thinks he's the
Christ Child.
> for
> once more he had proven that his feelings were true. And he
> had graced them with the certainty that they were not
> spoken thoughtlessly,
Tom: [Boromir] Like nearly everthing I said...
> for he had indeed taken his time to
> think.
Joel: [Boromir] Which is more than I can say I ever did.
> He had graced me with his love thrice, each time by his
> free will
Tom: Last time I checked, being raped wasn't an act of free will.
> and each time I had not been deserving of his
> love. That he declared himself to me this way,
Tom: Any fruit to declare?
Crow: [Aragorn] Just me.
> that after
> all that had happened he still was willing to commit
> himself to me in any way made my heart swell with love for
> him.
Crow: I wish it would pop.
> Tears in my eyes, I searched for words
Tom: Please, no more words!
> befitting my
> emotions, expressing all the love and gratitude and undying
> loyalty I felt within me--and from my deepest memory came
> forth a lover's pledge, as solemn as it was ancient.
Joel: So he finally remembers something...
> And so
> I spoke, naked except for the grime of my unwashed body,
Crow: I didn't need that image.
Tom: Roses and Tree Sap no more!
> holding my Lover in my arms:
>
> "I will pledge to you that I will always be by your side in
> love, if not in body, than in soul, and that I shall always
> strive to keep you from harm,
Crow: [Boromir] Unless, of course, I happen to be raping you...
> be it in body, heart or soul,
> by acting or abstaining, by life or death. So I pledge, to
> be true and binding until my very last breath, for the gods
> to bear witness."
Tom: Uh...did Boromir just propose?
> Having spoken, I knew that my words, though far too solemn
> and ceremonial for the occasion, were exactly saying what I
> wanted to express, clothing my thoughts in words far more
> befitting than any of my own.
Crow: *Any* words would be far more fitting...
> And I knew that I intended to hold up to my oath, whatever
> it would take me to do so.
Joel: Like Atlas, with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
> "I thank you, Lover, and in all honor and with great joy I
> do accept your oath," Aragorn replied to my great surprise,
> answering my pledge with its ceremonial reply.
Joel: [Aragorn] Dude, are we, like, married now?
Crow: [Aragorn] How are we going to break this to Arwen?
Tom: Aragorn's journal for today: "Delirious with hunger, I pledged
myself in marriage to Boromir. Stupid Boromir."
> So we kissed, and my overflowing heart finally found a way
> to express itself:
Crow: Like a barrel ready to bust--
Joel: Stop it, Crow.
> by tender love and care and the
> certainty that it would be able to continue to do so for a
> long time to come.
Tom: Oh GOD!!! This is never going to END!!
>
> I felt all at ease, at peace with all the world,
Joel: Ford's in his Flyvver and all's right with the world.
> when he
> finally curved up again in my arms, and gently kissing the
> base of his neck, I wished him pleasant dreams and finally
> let sleep come to me, wash over me like the waves of the
> returning tide.
Crow: Wish he'd drown...
>
> [~~~]
Joel: The Bridge of the Enterprise?
>
> And then, I died.
Tom: FINALLY!
Joel: Just like that?
Crow: [sings] I just died in your arms tonight....
>
> Mere days after I had promised Aragorn to be at his side in
> love forever, I left him.
Joel: [Boromir] We got hungry eventually, so I had to go find food.
Tom: What?! NO! Boromir's *dead*! How can he still be talking
about it?!
Joel: Maybe this is the afterlife...
Tom: Leaving him ALL OF ETERNITY to reminisce about his fling with
Aragorn? NOOOO!
Crow: This is hell, isn't it, Joel? We've died and gone to hell and
Bore-omir is going to bore us for all eternity, isn't he?!
[Bots scream. Joel pats them on the shoulders.]
> I deserted him, though I had pledged to see him through the
> trials of the days yet to come.
Joel: Arwen was suing him for breach of promise.
> We had not had much time to share our thoughts after that
> night in the grove, for we had set out from Lorien in
> boats,
Joel: And everyone knows it's impossible to carry on a conversation
in a boat.
> each one aboard a different craft.
> At nights we were
> on guard duty in different turns, unable to share but a
> loving smile or a soft brush with the hand.
Crow: So they cop a feel at the changing of the watch?
> Though few, these little moments reminded me that that
> night in the grove had not been a dream
Tom: ...or a blackout-induced illusion...
> and that there
> still was a bond between us. But it was not enough to
> lighten my heart, nor could they wipe away the fact that,
> on the road to my home again,
All: [sing] On the road again/Just can't wait to get on the road
again...
> I worried once more about the
> chances of waging a war against Mordor without the aid the
> power of the Ring promised in my eyes.
Tom: So is the Ring giving him X-ray vision or something?
>
> I knew that if I had had the chance to speak to him freely,
> he would have merely smiled, shrugged and solved my worries
> with but a single phrase.
Tom: Uh...this is Aragorn, not Gandalf...
> But he was not there, not there
> for me in the way I would have needed him.
Crow: Naked, and bent over a--
Joel: No more, Crow! I mean it.
>
> At first, I tried to bury my fears, to ignore those nagging
> thoughts that constantly demanded that I think
Joel: Those thoughts ask waaay too much of him!
> first and
> foremost of the good of my people--disregarding personal
> affinities.
Tom: Wouldn't the good of *his* people be a "personal affinity"?
>
> But I failed.
>
> I cannot clearly remember what brought me to go after
> Frodo, trying to press the Ring from him.
Joel: He blacked out *again*. What is that, twelve times now?
> Maybe it was
> Sauron's dark lure;
Crow: [Boromir] Or maybe it was Frodo's cute little hobbit ass.
Either way, what could I do?
> maybe it was just once more stupidity
> and thoughtlessness of mine in historical proportions.
Tom: I vote for that one.
> Whatever had been the reason for this encounter, in effect
> it was because of this that the attacking orcs found us
> divided and ill-prepared, making us easy prey.
>
> I know I fought well, but obviously not well enough.
Tom: Obviously not, as you've been dying for, what, 30 pages now?
> Neither did I save the two young halflings from being taken
> by the orcs, nor did I manage to survive to stay true to
> the pledge I had given to my Lover.
Joel: Boromir wins the Screw-up of the Year award!
> I can see him kneeling next to my body now, splattered in
> blood himself, some of it his own, much more
Crow: [Boromir] ...appears to be mine, as he's stabbed me in the
heart while screaming, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!"
> the one of his
> foes. He must have fought and killed the huge one with the
> bow, for its body lies nearby, its head missing.
>
> Aragorn has cradled my head in his lap, talking softly,
Joel: [Aragorn] You see, Boromir, *I* hired those orcs to make sure
you never rape another man again.
Crow: [Aragorn] See that orc over there without a head? I was
practicing what I'm about to do to *you*...
> holding my hand. I can see the tears in his eyes.
Tom: Bet those are tears of joy...
> Why isn't he angry?! I have deserted him!
Crow: You've just answered your own question.
> Haven't I failed
> you most miserably? Why, oh gods, are you still so sad?
Tom: [Aragorn] Because you're still TALKING!
> Why
> does my death cause so much grief for the single one person
> I hoped to make happy before all?
>
> I feel his grief, feel the immeasurable depth of his loss.
Joel: [Boromir] And it's kind of turning me on.
> And it hurts me beyond words. He loves me; I know that, for
> he has given himself to me in body, heart and soul.
[All start humming "Heart and Soul"]
> I hoped to be worthy of you, my Lover, if only for a short
> time.
Tom: [Boromir/Garth] I'm not worthy!
> But once more, I have failed the test.
Crow: Special ed. See?
> And yet, still you call me with your love, still you do not
> let me go.
Crow: [Aragorn/Don Corleone] I keep trying to get out--but you keep
pulling me back in!
> Still you love me.
>
> Your face, your love is all that is left of the world for
> me, and yet it seems that I have not lost anything of great
> value,
Tom: Yup--only your life, which definately wasn't of great value...
> for you are still with me, still loving me.
Crow: [Boromir] ...from that position I mounted you on my wall.
Joel: This is longer than Hamlet's death scene...
Tom: JUST DIE, already!
> And it seems to me that your mind is urging me on, not to
> stay with you too long, to go where the souls of man go
> when their bodies die.
Crow: See, Aragorn agrees with us.
> The One has given Death as a gift to humanity, as an end to
> their suffering--and yet I feel that you will be there,
> wherever I may come
Crow: Wouldn't it be more in spirit of the story to just end that
sentence right there?
> to when I leave this place.
>
> I am not afraid to leave, for it is you that will wait for
> me on the other side.
Joel: [Aragorn] Not if I can help it!
> Perhaps, Death is truly final.
Tom: Of course, we'll never know that, because Boromir will NEVER
DIE!!
> But it
> might as well be that the One himself cannot make himself
> part the ones who truly love.
>
> So if I leave you now, my Lover, I will not abandon you.
Crow: [Aragorn] Damn. I thought I was finally getting rid of him.
> I
> hope that you will pass through the days to come without
> harm, and that my death may prove a boon, not a burden.
Tom: [Boromir] And if you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I
hope you dance!
> My Lover, greet all those I have left behind.
Joel: [Boromir] Be sure to send a card to my aunt Mildred. It's her
birthday on Thursday.
> Take care of
> yourself.
Joel: [Boromir] Always wear long underwear when it's cold out.
> I follow the call that I hear,
Tom: It's the Horn of Gondor!
> the one that calls
> me in your voice to a place far from here, urges me onward.
Crow: [Aragorn] Yes! Go! Go!
> I love you, and that you deemed me worthy of your love made
> my life fulfilled. I love you, and wherever I go, I will
> never forget.
Tom: Even though that's all he seemed capable of doing throughout the
whole story.
> I love you.
>
> I love you...
Joel: [Aragorn] So, uh, you love me?
>
> [~~~]
Crow: Aww, it's a rainbow bridge!
[Joel picks up Tom and they leave the theater. Door sequence.]
[SoL bridge. Gypsy is there as Joel and the Bots emerge from the
theater, and the Mads' light is already blinking.]
Joel: Looks like they got my mail. [He hits the light.] Hey, Dr.
Forrester. What can I do you for?
[Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is looking angrily at the camera with folded
arms. In the background, Frank is eagerly reading something on a
computer screen.]
Dr. F: Well well, "Superb...@nowhere.com," that was a cute trick.
I don't suppose you thought that I might have email-tracing
software, did you?
[SoL]
Tom: Now, you can't blame Joel for this!
Crow: He didn't even write those stories.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Oh? Who *did* write them, then?
[SoL]
Crow: We'll never tell!
Tom: Gypsy.
Gypsy: What? I...I don't remember writing anything. I think I must
have blacked out.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard.
[SoL]
Gypsy: No, it's true! I don't remember a thing!
Joel: Boromir did it all the time in the fanfic you just sent us.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I...I sent you a fanfic? Gosh, I don't remember that at
all.....
[SoL]
Joel: Don't tell me--you blacked out.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Yes, something like that. It must have been the shock from
reading those stories you sent me.
[SoL]
Joel: Stories? I don't remember sending you any stories.
[Deep 13]
Frank: [in background] Wow! Look at this one, Steve! I'm a real
stud in this one.....
Dr. F: Excuse me.
[He goes back and starts throttling Frank, dragging him halfway
across the floor.]
[SoL]
Tom: Oh, how I wish I could black that out.
Joel: Wait! Dr. F! You'll kill him!
[Deep 13. Dr. F releases Frank. Frank starts coughing.]
Dr. F: [looking at his hands] ...What have I done? All the gods,
what have I done?
Frank: What...what was I reading again?
[SoL]
Crow: Beats me. I don't remember anything from the last hour.
Gypsy: I can't remember anything from the last *week*!
Tom: I don't remember anything from the last 5 shows!
Joel: Who are all you people, anyway?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: [to Frank] Whoever you are, press the...the...thing.
Frank: I forgot how.
Dr. F: Like this.
[He puts his hands around Frank's neck and slams Frank's head into the
button.]
\ | /
\ | /
- - - o - - - PWOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
Special thanks to Jack Acid, Winter, ShadowLeopard, and DannyCat
for providing additional riffs. Thanks also to Sarah Heiner for
pre-reading.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2002 by Best
Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
"Lord of the Rings" is copyright J.R.R. Tolkien. The movie
"Fellowship of the Ring" belongs to Peter Jackson and New Line
Productions.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the
original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., or the
BBC is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are
or should be implied.
Stinger:
> And then, I died.