MSTed Christmas Miracles + short
lenardzelig
Way down in Deep 13...............
............Mystery Science Theater 3000.
[Opening music ends]
[Aboard the SOL we see Mike, Tom and Crow hunched over a game board]
[Mike looks up at Cambot]
Mike: Hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm trying-
Crow: Now what, Mike, now what?
Mike: - to teach Tom and Crow how to play Snakes and Ladders.
[Mike turns back to the board].
Tom: You've landed on top of a ladder, down you go.
Crow: Are you sure about these rules Mike? Shouldn't we be going _up_
the ladders?
Mike: Don't blame me, it was the mads who sent us the game.
[The orange light begins to flash]
Mike: We got commercial sign, we'll be right back.
[Mike hits the flashing light]
[Commercial break]
.........
Mike: Hi everyone, welcome back.
Crow: Okay Mike, go through this one more time.
Mike: It's really very simple, you roll the die, you move your counter...
[Communication light starts flashing]
Tom: The mads are calling, better see what they want.
[Mike hits the light]
Dr F: Hello booby. I see you and the metal morons are playing the
game I sent you.
Mike: Yeah, but the rules are kind of dumb.
Tom: Yeah, like "people who wear green lab coats get to roll twice"
Dr F.[cackles evilly and rubs his hands]: A fiendish little twist,
don't you agree?
[from off-screen a loud "aaaaaaaaaargh" is heard, followed by a thump
and the sound of running feet.]
Frank [off-screen]: Clayton, Clayton.........help!
Dr. F: What is it now, Frank?
[Frank enters, a large snake coiled around him. He's barely managing
to hold its' head away from his throat]
Frank: Why do I have to have real snakes and real ladders in my game?
Why can't I get the board game too?
Dr. F: Isn't it obvious, Frank? It's because I'm trying to kill you.
[Dr. F ignores Frank (who falls to the floor, wrestling with the snake)
and turns to the viewer]
Dr. F [sighing under his breath]: From one idiot to another. [speaks
louder] Today's experiment in loathsome literature, Nelson, is a
particularly putrid piece of Star Trek fiction called "Christmas
Miracles", although the only thing miraculous about it is how it
ever got allowed out in public, much like yourself. But first,
I'd like to subject you to a short, the rather aptly titled "I'd
Like to Share This With You".
[Back on the Satellite of Love]
Mike: Thanks Dr. F. I'm sure it'll be great.
Crow: Really? You are? Wow!
Mike: Actually, no. I'm sure it will be terrible. I just said it
because I know how much he hates us enjoying his experiments.
Tom: This game is stupid. [Jumps up and down on the board]. Die,
game, die!!!
Mike: Servo, no!!
[Lights, sirens]
Mike: We got story sign!!
[M&TB run off-screen]
[Door sequence]
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0.........
[Crow enters the theater, Mike follows carrying Tom. They all sit down]
>
> Subject: I'd like to share this with you
> Content-Length: 7642
> Lines: 195
>
> Thousands across nation using Ohio man's sure-fire way to get rich.
>
> Mike: Ohio man? *snigger*
> Tom: Must be one of Marvel's lesser-known Superheroes
>
> Are you an 8-hour-a-day working person? Do you have little or no
> savings in the bank? Are you in debt with mortgage, car payments
> and charge accounts?
>
> Crow: Boy, he sure is inquisitive.
>
> Do you have little experience at anything except the small
> specialty of your job?
>
> Tom: Then the House of Representatives needs _you_!
>
> If you've answered "yes" to all these questions, you are a prime
> candidate for a foolproof get rich system developed by a working
> man from Canton, Ohio.
>
> Mike: He calls it the "saving and investing wisely" scheme.
>
> His name is Steve Bremmer and he was in your exact same position
> not long ago. But, he changed all that by inventing a get rich
> system designed especially for the working man.
>
> How did this system come about?
>
> You probably already know about Mr. Bremmer and his system. Ads on
> his system and stories about Mr. Bremmer have appeared in nearly
> every major newspaper and magazine in the country.
>
> Tom: Yeah, usually under a headline saying "Wanted for Fraud"
>
> Thousands of people across the nation have purchased the system and
> the stacks of letters from satisfied customers received by Mr.
> Bremmer are overwhelming.
>
> Crow: At least he'll have plenty to read in jail.
>
> Mr. Bremmer did not develop his system overnight.
>
> Tom: He developed it in his coffee break.
>
> But his final, perfected version certainly does generate income
> overnight.
>
> Mr. Bremmer's first successful system netted him $80,000 clear.
>
> What's it like to get $80,000 almost overnight
>
> Mike: 'Almost' overnight? What does he mean 'almost'?
> Crow: Yeah, either it was or it wasn't.
>
> in one lump sum?
>
> It's almost impossible to verbalize. My wife and I just stared at
> the check for a long time. We had a two-day celebration with a
> dinner and party. Then I went into work and told my smug boss, who
> thought he had me under his thumb, what he could do with his low
> paying lousy job.
>
> Tom: I'd love to see his face when the check bounces.
>
>
>
> Next we paid off all our bills including our home mortgage and had a
> "burn the mortgage" party.
>
> The following day we went to an auto dealer's showroom and laid down
> cash for a new luxury car. I never had the experience of a new car
> even as a child.
>
> Then my wife and I went on a shopping spree for clothes. We had been
> making do with old clothes for so long they had become worn out.
>
> Crow: Then I went shopping for a new wife.
> Tom: For the same reason.
>
> She always had to shop for clothes with very little money. I always
> joked with her that "If I gave you $10,000 to spend on clothes could
> you do it in one day?"
>
> She used to say "I could do it in a couple hours." So that's what I
> did. I gave her $10,000 to go out and buy clothes.
>
> Mike: And I never saw her again.
>
> It ended up taking all day and she relished every minute.
>
> Finally, we took a long trip. In New York I bought her a large
> diamond at Tiffany's, another thing we always dreamed about.
>
> But I can tell you that the money was not the most important benefit
> in this.
>
> Mike: It was the lovely material possessions we could buy.
>
> What money really does is give you precious time.
>
> Crow: Precious.
> Tom: My precious.
>
> Time to be with your wife and children before they grow up
>
> Crow: *hee hee* Was his wife a child bride?
>
> before you know it and time to do things you really want to do.
>
> Another priceless thing you gain is your self respect. No more
> crawling and kneeling because you're dependent. The words of Frank
> Sinatra's song 'My Way' say it all."
>
>
> Mike: So what he's saying is that money makes your death imminent?
>
> How much money can you make and how fast can you make it?
>
> Tom: It depends how fast the ink dries.
>
> Mr. Bremmer averages around $200,000 for each system he produces. He
> says doing a system to make $10,000 or $20,000 is literally duck
> soup.
>
> Crow [sings]:......Hail, hail, Freedonia......
>
> "I have these available to me all the time and don't even use them."
> he says.
>
> How fast can you make money?
>
> Mr. Bremmer stated. "You can actually make money within hours in
> some cases. You can compile a system in one afternoon one day and
> start having spendable money in your hands produced by the system the
> very next morning."
>
> Who can do it and how sure fire is it?
>
> Mr. Bremmer says. "I've done it 14 times in a row now.
>
> Mike: No wonder he needs the money, the child support must be killing
> him.
>
> I taught my younger brother and brother-in-law the system and they've
> already made over $500,000 each. All you need is the ability to
> follow simple directions,
>
> Tom: That counts you out then, Mike.
>
> common sense, and the ability to see a job through to completion."
>
> The system is also perfect for people who are confined to homes, such
> as housewives. Mr. Bremmer named his system SuperBiz.
>
> Crow: Heh heh......it sounds like a really cheap hair product...
> Tom [in a TV announcer-style voice]:......for that deeper ,lasting shine,
> try new improved SuperBiz......
>
> He has been selling his system to others for a year now.
>
> The reason?
>
> "Why not!" he says. "First I thought I'd have to keep it secret. But
> then I found out the system can't be saturated,
>
> Mike: Because it doesn't work.
>
> so why not sell it and make money by selling the system on top of
> the other money I am making using it."
>
> People from every state in the union have purchase Mr. Bremmer's
> system.
>
> Crow: Mike, do you think his "system" is to sell his "system" to
> other people?
> Tom: No!! It can't be!!
>
> What do these people have to say? Here are just a few comments:
>
> ". . . It is such an excellent product that anyone who can read and
> follow instructions can be a millionaire. . ."
>
> * Allen.J.Bates., Peoria, IL.,
>
> Tom: This guy probably believes the word 'gullible' isn't in the
> dictionary.
>
> ". . . This is the first time I have purchased a 'get rich'
> product that I sincerely feel will work."
>
> * Ed S. Dawes., Albany, New York
>
> Mike: Apparently he also believed DeLorean was a sure-fire
> investment.
>
> ". . . Adjectives alone cannot describe its hidden wealth.
>
> Tom: So I will instead use the medium of dance.
>
> After many years, much money and a bellyful of frustration, I believe
> I have found an honest man, and yes; I truly mean it."
>
> * Tom V. MacDonald, Norridgewock, ME.
>
> Mike: Beware the Norridgewock, my son.
>
> ". . . I have just received your system and have taken it to college.
>
> Crow: It has settled in nicely and has passed its' first semester.
>
> It has really lifted some eyebrows especially the first and last
> parts . . "
>
> Mike: What about the middle parts of the eyebrows?
>
> -- Fred G. Johnson
>
> A word to the doubting Thomases.
>
> Tom: Damn you, unbelievers!
> Crow: Shouldn't that be doubting Thomii?
>
> Of course there will be those who will doubt that the system is for
> real. Mr. Bremmer has featured this system in nearly every newspaper
> in the country and he has sold his system to thousands of people
> across the nation and in every state of the union.
>
> Mike: Which is why he had to flee to Uzbekhistan.
>
> The story has been checked repeatedly by newspaper reporters and
> government authorities at literally every level.
>
> Mike: If you listen real carefully you can still hear the laughter.
>
> The story checks out. Every word he has stated about his system is
> true or he would've been out of business long ago.
>
> You can make $100, 000 in a matter of weeks or days. In some cases
> money starts in hours. Here's how it works . . .
>
> 1) You will receive Mr. Bremmer's system in the mail which contains
> everything you need to complete one of your own systems. From
> anywhere, such as your kitchen table,
>
> Crow: On top of your refrigerator.
> Mike: Under your bed.
> Tom: Inside your wardrobe.
>
> you complete the preliminary steps. This involves filling out
> provided forms and following provided outlines.
>
> 2) The preliminary steps of the system are done only one time.
> After these preliminary steps,
>
> Mike: Throw it in the bin and get a proper job.
>
> you can do the steps for each individual steps anywhere, from your
> home, while you are trav- eling. (Mr. Bremmer does his individual
> systems in his motor- home)
>
> Crow: His system can't be that great if he lives in a motor-home.
> Mike: He's got to keep on the move.
>
> or from a favorite vacation spot.
>
> Tom: Doesn't 'anywhere' include these places?
>
> Again, by following outlines and filling out forms, you complete
> your individual system (each of which is in two parts, Part A and
> Part B).
>
> 3) After completing Part A and Part B of the System, depending on
> the type of system you do, you may either phone in Parts A
> and B of your individual system, or you drop it in the mail.
>
> Crow: Help me Mike, I'm confused!
> Tom: Me too, Mike.
> Mike: Gypsy!!!
>
> In the type of systems where you phone in Parts A and B, you can
> virtually complete a system one afternoon and have spendable money In
> your hands the very next morning.
>
> 4) In a matter of days or weeks, depending upon which system you do,
> you can receive $100,000 for each system you do. In some cases,
> over 80% of the money will be in your possession in less than a
> week. Your money will either be deposited in your bank account or
> brought to you by mail to your home or your vacation spot.
>
> For those who wish to purchase the N.P.G.S. System called SuperBiz,
>
> Mike: Lie quietly in a darkened room, the urge will pass.
>
> it is being distributed by mail only for the present. Mr. Bremmer
> has kept the price of the system low so
>
> Tom:......that more suckers will buy it.
>
> those who most need it can afford it.
>
> To order (1) Get a blank piece of paper; (2) At the top print the
> word SuperBiz; (3) Print your name and address; (4) Mail this
> along with $20.00 in cash, check or money order to:
>
> Westport Publishing
> 1320 Route 9
> Champlain, N.Y. 12919
>
>
> Crow: (5) Stand on your doorstep; (6) Wave your hard-earned cash goodbye.
>
> [Crow leaves]
> [Mike picks up Tom and follows]
> [Commercial break]
>
>
> [Commercials end. M&TB re-enter the theater]
>
> ======
>
> From: Temporal Rift
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Tom: Creative only in the loosest sense.
> Subject: NEW: "Christmas Miracles" (TNG: P/C)
> Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1996 22:54:17 -0800
> ------
>
> All Miracles contained herein are property of
Mike: Jesus Christ, Superstar.
> Paramount.
> We are somply workers in the toy shop.
Crow: Is Santa going to be in this story?
>
> The first of what we hope to be many...
>
>
>
> Dec 1996
> Star Trek : The Next Generation
> Christmas Miracles
> By: BonC Jr.
Tom: Yeah, like there's two of them.
Crow: Would that be a Bon Bon?
Mike: Shh! Shh!
>
>
>
> 1. Temporal Rift
>
> Earth Date: December 23, 2372
>
> Jean-Luc Picard sat quietly, overlooking the snow covered
> grapevines that rested peacefully in the hills around his
> home. Winter had always been a quiet season,
Tom: Spring was the one that was always getting drunk and picking
fights with strangers.
> with much less
> to do than, say, spring or summer.
Crow: It had less to do than say "spring or summer"?
Tom: No wonder it was quiet!
> During the winter, his
> family, much like the wine they had created in the previous
> months, sat and aged slowly.
Mike: But unlike this story, that's making us age quickly!
>
> Not this month.
>
Tom: But soon, and for the rest of its life.
> The Enterprise-E had been on one tedious mission after
> another,
Mike: Why does this not fill me with confidence?
> the Federation wanting nothing more than to flaunt
> its finest for the first year or so of the ship's life. In
> fact, the only thing that caused a break from the tedious
> monotony was the recent Borg incursion, which was why the
> Enterprise has come home for a few weeks.
>
> "Nine months since the commission and the Enterprise comes
> limping home in need of a complete refit.
Crow [Picard voice]: I knew it was a mistake to build it from balsa
wood.
> Command must LOVE me right now.'
>
> He looked at the chronometer, just as a sudden
> afterthought, and gawked at the time.
Mike: He "gawked"?? *snigger*
Tom [Picard voice]: Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Giddy
Schoolboy.
> The senior staff was due to arrive for Christmas in an hour and he
> hadn't started on the night's dinner!!
Tom: Watch at the same time next week for our new production -
Thanksgiving in thirty seconds!
>
> Jean-Luc jumped from his seat and sprinted to the kitchen
> like a bat out of hell,
Mike: Can, um, can bats actually sprint?
Tom: Yes, these are special 4-legged bats.
Crow: Maybe he just wanted some meatloaf?
> trying to figure out just how in the name of that aforementioned
> place
Mike: How in the name of kitchen?
> he was going to cook for
> seven in under sixty minutes.
>
Crow: Hey! Isn't she in another series?
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 2. Ergness, in her strange state
>
>
> Beverly was probably the quietest on the shuttle,
Crow: She was preparing for her quietness duel with Winter.
> though a pensive mood had settled over all of the bridge crew.
> Riker was piloting with Data, and he was quietly bantering back and
> forth with Deanna about some stupid thing.
Mike: Luckily the stupid thing didn't mind.
Tom: He was still trying to figure out where this extra character
came from.
> Worf was in the small dining area in the shuttle, and had pushed
* table and chairs aside to practice his MoQ'Bara. Data was silent
* as a mouse,
Mike: They sure like their lives noise-free, don't they?
> except when he and Geordi found something to discuss
> about Engineering.
Crow: Like that odd smell......
> The Borg incident had left both shaken,
Tom: Not stirred.
> but had given them much to talk about. That left Beverly,
> laying on her bunk, hugging her pillow, her long red curls
> tossed over her face in a restless sleep.
Mike: Ah, a pensive sleep.
>
>
>
> *There's no way to get out of here, you know that don't
> you?* Beverly looked deep into Jean-Luc's blackening eyes.
Crow: She really should've used body blows.
Tom: Less visible bruising.
>
> *Jean-Luc Picard, you had better not be giving up, because
> I'm sure as
All: Kitchen!!
> hell not ready to do that.* She picked up the lethal type 9
> phaser, newly issued by Starfleet, which lay discarded and
> unwanted by Picard's feet.
Crow: Why didn't his feet want the phaser?
Tom: We may never know.
* She wiped her eyes, to clear away the few tears she'd needed to
* shed.
Crow: The ones she didn't need to shed, however, stayed right where
they were.
>
> *Beverly, we can't kid ourselves anymore. This is
> hopeless.* Jean-Luc pulled his badly scraped knees to his
> chest and hung his head. And he cried. He cried like a child
> who had been beaten.
Mike: He always was a sore loser.
Tom: Ah, that's the French for you.
Crow: I thought that was "vous"?
> He was a child that had been beaten.
>
> Beverly was fuming. She was so angry at him for throwing
> a way everything they had worked up to. *If you're not going
> to get your ass of the ground
Crow: Ass of the ground?
Tom: Donkey of the air!!
* and take some responsibility for your life, then you deserve to
* die.*
Mike: Jean-Luc Picard, you are the weakest link, DIE!!!!
> She turned from him, ice running in her veins, and walked away from
> him.
>
>
> She squeezed her eyes shut, as hard as possible. She took
> a deep breath, then quickly sat up, spitting out her hair.
Tom: Whoa! Fur balls!
> She hadn't realized it was in her face. She leaned against
> the wall,
Crow: And became comfortably numb.
> an unattractive frown deeply lined in her face. She * couldn't seem
> to do anything these days, especially sleep.
> * Too many memories. There was an itch in the back of her mind
Crow: It was getting cold and lonely in there.
> she could never seem to get scratched. She wasn't even
> looking forward to seeing Jean-Luc again, that was the biggest
> blow. In fact, she wanted to be as far from him as possible.
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 3. Alexis
>
>
>
> The shuttle landed on the sweeping lawn of the Picard
> * estate, twenty minutes behind schedule, tardiness
Crow: He has a tardiness?
Mike: That's TARDIS, Crow.
> which, for once, Jean-Luc appreciated as it had given him the
>needed time to finish dinner. He walked slowly out the front door
>to * greet his officers
Tom: [Makes "Dino" noises]
Mike: Dino, no!
> who disembarked with careshuttle rides
Crow: But apparently without punctuation.
> tended to stiffen the joints.
>
> "Captain," Deanna greeted him warmly. She hugged him,
> something new since his last adventure with Q and the fate of
> the human race. He'd become more intimate, more open with his
> staff on this new ship. They were, after all, both his
> friends and his entire family now.
Tom: He never did get out much, did he?
> Will eyed him suspiciously. "Now there's something I never thought
> I'd see..." he said deadpan. Picard quickly looked himself over;
* nothing seemed to be out of place. "...Jean-Luc Picard in an
* *apron*!"
Crow: Hee hee hee!
Tom: Yeah, as if he could cook anything.
Mike: Even his toast boils over.
> Picard smiled sheepishly and
Tom: ...made "Baa Baa" noises...
> quickly reached behind his back to untie the strings holding the
> "Commander-in-Chef" apron on as the group moved indoors, away from
> the sharp winter air.
>
> They gathered in the den, the warmest room in the house
> around the great fireplace.
Mike: The built the house around the fireplace?
> It was one of the few antiquities that Jean-Luc had always loved about
> this house, the fireplace that still burned real wood.
Mike: How he hated those fake wood fireplaces.
* Nothing could replace the smell, the scent, the intoxication of the
* fire. He gazed around at the faces, the people he'd become so
* close to, and his eyes settled (as they always seemed to) on
* Beverly's face. She was staring intently into the fire, but he'd
* noticed her unusual silence.
Crow: By this time she'd usually knocked back a bottle and was dancing on the
table.
* Beverly gazed into the flames, watching them leap and fade. The
* logs threw glowing sparks into the air that rained * down as only
* dry ash.
Mike: 2000 years later, tourists would travel miles to photograph
these people frozen in stone.
> As hard as she tried to fight it, her mind drifted back...
>
> * He followed, doggedly,
Tom: [Dog panting noises]
* as she marched off down the hall. She was right, of course, it did
* no good to give up. But it was so hard to keep going, so hard to
* press on when his entire body wanted to lay down and die. It was
* cold and his teeth chattered silently; his whole body shook and
* he could not * control it. He traipsed on.
Mike: *snigger*
Tom: This guy wouldn't be out of place in an Enid Blyton novel.
>
> After twenty minutes of silently wending her way through
> the dark caverns, Beverly stopped to rest. She knew that Jean-
> Luc had followed but had not stopped to look back fearing
> that, like Lot's wife, looking back might mean never again
> going forward. She wasn't sure she could make it, but she
> knew she had to try.
>
> Jean-Luc sunk down on the ground beside her, shivering.
> *I'm so cold,* he said. She said nothing. *Beverly,* his
> voice was a plea and a cry and a quiet scream, *I don't think
> * I can make it.*
Crow: Just what are they trying to make?
Mike: Sense of the plot, I think.
Crow: Ahhhhh.
>
> She turned to him, the anger warming her icy body. *Jean-
> Luc, you _can_ make it. You have to.*
>
> *It's too hard,* he begged.
>
> *Look at me, Jean-Luc!* She practically spat the words at
> him, trying desperately to shatter his self-pity. And, for
> the first time, he did. He saw the long bright gash that ran
> across her forehead and the bruises and the dark circles under
> her eyes. He looked down and noticed that her hands were
> * trembling
Tom: Those DT's really suck.
Mike: And she told everyone it was for 'medicinal' purposes only.
from the cold and the lacerations that ran up and
* down her arms
Crow: Dontcha just hate it when those pesky things won't stay still?
> under the places where her uniform had been torn
> away. He gazed helplessly back at her icy stare. *You can
> make it Jean-Luc. We both can.*
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 4. Baud
>
>
>
> ...After about two hours of sitting around the fire
> drinking wine
Tom: They were all completely smashed.
> and having many sparse discussions, Picard
> mentioned something about dessert.
>
> "Dessert?" Deanna piped up.
Mike: I didn't even know she smoked.
>
> "Yes Counselor, I stopped by the Bakery in town and picked
> up a triple chocolate cake."
>
> "I'll go get it Captain if you tell me where you put it."
Crow: In the cupboard, next to my stash of superfluous commas.
>
> "It's in the kitchen. Would you like some help?"
>
> "I think Beverly would suffice in helping me with the
> task."
>
> Beverly knew this was a feeble attempt by her friend to
> see why she was acting so distant. As Beverly lifted herself
> off the chair and
Crow: ...as an encore, she disappeared up her own-
Mike: Crow!!!
> walked towards the kitchen she heard Will call from behind, "Make
> sure Deanna doesn't get her hands on that cake, or else there won't
> be anything left for the rest of us."
>
> "Ha Ha Commander!" Deanna retorted as she walked through
> the dining room and into the kitchen.
>
>
>
> Beverly wanted to make this as quick as possible, so she
> quickly grabbed the silverware and plates and headed for the
> cake, but before she could reach it, Deanna intercepted her
Mike: At the 20, before running it all the way back for a score.
> by the arm and pulled her towards a small table that faced the
> window.
>
> "Not so fast Beverly"
>
> "Counselor, I appreciate your concern, but to be blunt,
Crow: Bite me.
> it's none of your concern."
>
> "Beverly, I am your friend, and I know that you are
> hurting. I don't know why you are hurting, but I do know it
> has something to do with the Captain, and his concern is just
> as great as mine."
>
> "Deanna, do you always have to go empathic on me?"
>
> "Beverly, I just want you both to be happy, and I can see
> that you two need to sort some things out. You know, the
> Captain did offer for us to stay the night.
Mike: What you might call a _Menage a Troi_
> I have work to do in the morning, but you could stay here with the
* Captain. I'm sure he'd be very pleased to have you, plus it will
* give you the chance to *talk*."
>
* "Deanna... I just don't think I'm ready to share my feelings.
* I don't even know what they are yet.
Tom [Beverly voice]: I've never had one before.
> I do know I'm angry with him though."
>
> "Well, you can talk to him about it."
>
> "No, I'm not ready."
>
> "Well, don't blame me when your kicking yourself over it
> later. Don't throw it away Beverly. You two have something
> special that shouldn't be taken for granted."
>
> "I note your concern counselor."
>
> "Now let's eat cake!!"
>
>
>
> After dessert, Yawns were becoming contagious amongst the
> group. Deanna stood and announced, "I think it's time to go.
Mike [singing]: ...I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going...
> I for one have work to do in the morning."
>
> "Me too." Will chimed in, "I think the only lucky ones
> here are the Captain and Beverly."
>
> As the group headed out to the shuttle Deanna got in
> first, then quickly announced, "Beverly, I think I forgot my
> Padd on the table in the den. Would you mind getting it for
> me?"
>
> "Sure. Hold on a minute."
>
> Jean-Luc called to Beverly's retreating form, "I'll help
> you look for it Doctor."
>
> As the reached the den, Neither could find the Padd. They
> looked between the cushions, under the couch, on all the
> shelves, and even in the kitchen.
Crow: But they just could not find the reason for this awful story.
> Finally they both decided it was a lost cause,
Tom: I could've told them that from the first paragraph.
> and they headed out to tell Deanna of it's missing identity. As
>they reached the door, Beverly gasped as she looked out, "they're
>gone!"
>
> "Don't worry Doctor, you never know what those crazy
> officers will do.
Mike: Yeah, they're the Keystone crew.
> I have plenty of room if you'd like to stay Doctor. If not, then
> there's a hotel about a mile from here. I could run you up there
> real fast if you'd like."
Crow: "Real fast"? What part of 24th century France is he from again?
Tom: Uh, Texas, I think.
>
> "That's okay Jean-Luc, I'll stay here." she said as she
> avoided his eyes...
>
[Mike picks up Tom and leaves]
[Crow follows]
0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.....
[Deep 13]
[The doorbell rings]
Dr. F: Okay Frank, that's enough games for now, come here and answer
the door.
[Frank arrives from off-screen, his clothes dusty and ripped, and
opens the door}
[A tall, shifty looking man, dressed in a pale grey suit and carrying
a black briefcase enters]
Frank: Can we help you?
Man: If the question was rather, "can I help you?" then the answer is
"yes"!
Dr. F: Forget it, we bought the encyclopaedias last week.
Man: You misunderstand me, friend. I'm not offering knowledge, I'm
offering you a licence to print your own money! Allow me to introduce
myself - I'm Steve Bremmer.
[Cut to SOL]
Mike & TB [all together]: It's Ohio man!!!
Tom: *heh heh* I can't wait to see this.
Crow: Yeah, not even the mads are stupid enough to fall for his line
of junk.
[Deep 13]
Bremmer: .....so you see, you are really perfect for my new system: the
"Collection for Awesome Scientific Heroes". If you each make a check out
to CASH, within days the money will be pouring into Deep 13.
Dr. F: Hmmm...I dunno...what do you think, Frank?
Frank: I think it sounds great! Just think of the truly painful movies
and stories we can inflict on Nelson with all that lovely money!
Dr. F: You're right, Frank. Get my checkbook.
[Frank hands him the checkbook]
[Dr. F quickly scribbles a check and hands it to Bremmer, who pockets
it quickly]
Bremmer: Thank you, thank you very much. You'll be hearing from me very
soon.
[Bremmer leaves, barely able to mask his laughter]
Dr. F: Frank - a thought occurs to me - did I just make a check out to CASH?
Frank: Yep.
[Dr. F glares at Frank. Frank looks questioningly at Dr. F]
Frank [realises]: Oh.
[Dr. F grabs Frank by the throat and begins to throttle him]
Dr. F.: Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank!!!!
[Commercials]
> ~~~~~~~~~~
[Crow enters the theater, Mike follows carrying Tom. They all sit down]
>
> 5. Temporal Rift
Mike: It's the same chapter as before!
Crow: Can he do that?
Tom: It's one way of learning English.
>
>
>
> Jean-Luc looked over
Tom: Overed.
> to the woman sitting silently across
> from him. She had her eyes lowered, focused on the book she
> held in her hand. "A Christmas Carol," if he recognized the
> cover.
Crow: What was it if he didn't recognise it?
Mike: A cat.
Tom: Schrodinger has a lot to answer for.
>
> She had been avoiding conversation all evening, dodging
> every attempt at communication.
Mike: Except for those ones that she didn't
> He wanted to know what was going on with her, what she had done
> for the past few weeks. He missed their normal breakfasts together,
> their occasional dinner.
>
> Bluntly,
Crow: Bite me
> he missed *her*.
>
> He racked his brain for another icebreaker, having
> exhausted his entire list that evening, but then thought the
> better of it. There was no reason to believe that she would
> react to any more words.
>
> He decided to try something else.
Crow: It was time for the wet celery and the flying helmet.
>
> "Beverly, let's go for a walk."
>
> She looked up from her book, eyes open wide.
Mike: She'd tried looking with her eyes closed but that never seemed
to work.
> "Nnow? Jean-Luc, it's 10:30. We'd freeze before we got ten feet
> from the door." "Oh my god. I can't take a *walk* with him. Not
> now, not like this...'
Tom: She can *talk* the *talk*, but can she *walk* the *walk*?
>
> "Why not? We have coats, don't we?"
>
> "No, this can't be happening!!' Beverly was scared to
> death to take a walk with him. She knew he was looking for
> the reason behind her melancholy mood, and she knew he was
> concerned enough about her that he wasn't going to give up
> until he knew. But she had the chance of avoiding the subject
> if she went along. If she refused, he would not gently pull
> it out of her, he'd simply rip whatever he wanted to know out
> of her, and that would be too painful.
>
> He watched her sit in silence, thinking the whole thing
> over. What was so hard about deciding to walk or not?
Tom: To walk or not to walk, that is the question.
Mike: No, that's a dilemma found in Chinese cookery.
> He didn't want to wait anymore. He grabbed he wrists and pulled
> her away from the sofa.
>
> "Come on, Beverly. Maybe some air will do us both some
> good."
>
>
>
> The chill wind threw Beverly's hair into a mess about her
> face.
Crow: Didn't they have hair bands in the 24th century?
> She was freezing, even though she wore a turtleneck, with a
> sweater on top of that, a light jacket over the sweater, and a
> parka over it all.
Mike: No wonder she couldn't walk, with all that on!
Tom: She's the Stay-Puft Marshmallow doctor.
> Cold...
>
>
>
> *Jean-Luc, you can do it. Give me your hand.*
>
> Beverly fought the urge to look down. Any glimpse of the
> blackness below her would have sent her into it. She looked
> at her companion instead.
>
> Jean-Luc knew she was making a huge effort for him, yet he
> was still paralyzed. He knew they were not going to make it,
> and that the energy they were using to escape was wasted
> energy.
Crow: Energy that could be better used trying to follow the plot.
>
> But he took one look into Beverly's intense eyes and found
> the courage to go on.
>
> Beverly saw his expression change from fear to
> determination, saw him begin to reach out to her. She didn't
> see the movement behind him, as a shadowy figure raised his
> blaster and fired.
>
> She felt a sudden blast of cold envelop her body, then
> felt blackness surround her.
>
> But she could still feel the cold, and it was wet, icy,
> and VERY real.
Mike: I think she's finally getting the hang of this 'feeling' idea.
>
> And she couldn't breathe.
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 6. Erg
>
>
>
> "Jean-Luc!" she managed to choke out, reaching for him.
> He turned to look at her...
>
>
>
> "NO!" Beverly shrieked. She leapt away from Jean-Luc,
> pushing him roughly.
>
> "What's the matter?" His eyes darkened as he looked at
> her. She searched his face rapidly for truth... but found
> none.
Tom: He had hidden it up his nose.
> He was not smiling, and his face looked so metallic...
> "Are you afraid of this?" She didn't wait to see what was
> under his jacket...
Mike: I'm sure that's for the best, really.
Crow: [laughing uncontrollably]
>
>
>
> Beverly screamed as she fell to the floor. "Jean-Luc,
> please stop!"
>
> But his hand fell down upon her again.
Tom: How he loved the old "balance the hand on top of the slightly
open door" trick.
> She could feel the blood dripping down her cheek from his blows.
> "Please, Jean-Luc, please stop!!" Her cries became quiet and
> urgent, but pathetic and hopeless.
Tom: Yet sad and melancholy..
Crow: ..but pitiful and low.
> She saw his hand raise again.
> "Beverly?" His voice was suddenly so gentle. It was so
> real, so full of love, so sweet. She was holding her breath.
> "What is the matter? You look as though you're living
> nightmares," he whispered, keeping his slight distance to keep
> from stifling her.
>
> She suddenly burst into tears and collapsed to the ground,
Crow: I thought she was already on the floor?
Tom: Maybe she's doing squat jumps?
> the icy snow cruelly sinking in to her thin dress.
Mike: Hey, what happened to the marshmallow suit?
> She folded up neatly, sobbing like a terrified child. She had
> no strength left to stand. Jean-Luc stood
Crow: Because he had so much strength.
> staring down at her for a moment. What had she become that he
> had not seen? Slowly he dropped down beside her. He ran a hand
> across her back, resting it on her waist.
Mike: Shouldn't that be _down_ her back?
> She did not react. He put his hand on top of her forehead, lifting
> it off the frozen ground, and kissed her silken auburn head.
Mike: [Beverly voice] "Dammit, Jean-Luc. I'm a doctor not a
dachshund"
> He felt no need to sit up again, so he simply held her, keeping her
> warm in the chilling air, keeping her safe from the terrifying
> struggle in her mind.
>
> Beverly had never been more glad to have him there in her
> life. Not more glad to have him there when Jack died, even.
> She needed him so badly it was tearing her up inside. He just
> didn't understand what he had done to her, how he had ripped
> her mind apart inside.
>
> Before she had fallen to the ground,
Tom: Does he mean the first time or the second time?
> she had been snapping out of memory after memory. Each fictional
> implant the Borg had laid in her to corrupt her mind tortured her,
> and would as long as she lived.
Crow: He really should just put her out of her misery.
> Oh, so many doctors, psychiatrists, counselors,
Mike: Dental hygienists.
Tom: Paediatricians.
Crow: Anaesthesiologists.
> even herbalists and naturalists
Crow: Things just got interesting!
Mike: No, that's naturists, Crow.
> had tried to remove them, ease them, bury them,
Tom: Bend them, shake them, any way they wanna...
> but they remained, keeping her distanced from the one man she had
>loved to the very essence of her soul. Even Jack had never shared a
>love so deep with her, though his love was special, too.
Mike: Heh, heh. More like special needs love.
>
> How could she tell Jean-Luc about this torture without
> explaining why they hurt her so bad? What would he do if she
> did tell him?
Tom: And do we really care?
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
Tom: Watch out for snakes!
> 7. Admiral TAG
Crow: Who?
Mike: We'll find out.
Tom: Wanna bet?
> Could she even tell him? She remembered the last time she
> had gone to him for comfort, and what his brand of comfort
> entailed.
Mike: And how much the dry-cleaning bill had come to.
> At first it had seemed so right, so warm and loving, but when she
> tried to pull back, to stop, he would not let her. Twenty years was
> too long to ask any man to wait.
Tom: Just ask Rip Van Winkle.
> And over the course of the long night, he had almost convinced her
* that this was what she had wanted, too, but in the morning came
* sanity and the knowledge that he had...
>
>
>
> What? He had what? And when?
Mike: And who? And where? And with what?
Tom: Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the rope.
> *Oh god, no, not another one of the Borg memories.* Everything that
> had been between them had been twisted and perverted. Could she
> ever let him touch her, hold her without the false memories tearing
> her apart?
>
> She pushed away from him, though the haven of his arms was
> all she wanted. She needed to talk to someone, but who? She
> couldn't tell him only half the story,
Crow: I wish we only got half the story.
> and she couldn't tell him the whole story either. If she talked to
> Deanna, it would go on her Starfleet record. Who would want a CMO
> no longercapable of distinguishing fantasy from reality? She
> couldn't go on like this alone, but she couldn't confide in
> anyone else.
>
> If only she had some family with whom to speak. She remembered
> the way Jean-Luc had been so cold to Wesley,
Crow: He just couldn't forgive him for that Wong Foo movie.
> berating him for his choice to leave Starfleet, pushing him so
> far away that he had never come back to this plane of
> existence. She remembered Jean-Luc, at the cemetery on Caldos,
> whispering at her to kill Ronin. And she remembered weeks of
> frantic digging through the Stargazer's logs,
Mike: It was made of wood?
> following the data trail, to see if Jean-Luc were really as innocent
> of Jack's death as he had claimed. *No!* None of this was real.
> The only things real were the snow and the cold, and the bewildered
> look on Jean-Luc's face.
Crow: That's his natural state of being.
>
> "Beverly, what's wrong? You must tell me."
Crow: He doesn't know what wrong is?
Tom: That explains why he keeps losing his ships.
>
> If only she could...
>
> "Beverly, you must. It's tearing you apart. I can't watch
> this."
>
> She laughed, bitterly. He couldn't watch? Who had it been
> who had dragged her through the darkened ship, pulling at her
> arm, deaf to her pleas?
Tom: If she doesn't know, how are we supposed to?
> Who had forced her down into that chair, and swung the cap down
> onto her head, stood watching as the probes entered her scalp,
> no anaesthetic to deaden the pain, and watched, watched as her brain
> was rewired, her past and her memories violated? Who had stood
> there and watched, with just the faintest trace of a smile? Who
> had murmured sweet words of encouragement as everything she was
> and everything she held dear was ripped from her for daring to
> claim part of the man the Borg claimed as their own?
Crow: Boy, dentistry sure hasn't progressed much.
>
> And he was watching her now, as he had then...
>
>
>
> The next thing she knew, she was sitting in a high-backed
> bed,
Mike: In a nice rubber bedroom.
Crow: Wearing lovely button-up-the-back pyjamas.
Tom: With really long sleeves.
> snuggled between a warm quilt and Jean-Luc. He pressed a cup of
> wine to her lips, urging her drink. She had fainted outside, and
> he had half-carried, half-dragged her inside to warm up and
> recuperate. "Tell me what's wrong,"
Mike: He just has no basis for moral judgements, has he?
> he whispered in that low, ragged voice which always before had made
> her do exactly as he wanted.
>
> "I can't." She angrily brushed away the tears spilling
> down her cheeks.
>
> "Beverly, please. If there's still anything between us,
> any trust.." (*Say it...*) "any love..."
>
> He moved even closer to her,
Mike: Now he's inside the quilt.
> a hand in her hair, and all she could see was the
Crow: Other side of the mountain?
> dark, endless interior of the ship, and running. He caught at her
> arm, turned her toward him, his face ghostly pale in the half
> light, cold and loveless. And then she knew, there was no more
> Jean-Luc, there was only
>
> "Locutus..."
>
> Jean-Luc backed up, off the bed, away from the viper's
> nest it had become,
Tom: Didn't I say to watch out for snakes?
> horrified. Three syllables, and she had destroyed both their worlds.
>
> "Locutus..."
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 8. Temporal Rift
>
Mike: Do you ever get a feeling of deja vu?
>
>
> He shook his head frantically. How could he, even as
> Locutus, have lost control enough to ever hurt Beverly? How
> HAD he hurt herhe couldn't remember anything.
Tom: It's 2 for the price of 1 here at Sentences-R-Us.
>
>
>
> A tingling in the back of his mindwhich had been there all
> alongmade itself known.
Mike: Spacebar collapsing, Captain.
Crow: She canna take much more.
Tom: Neither can I.
> He recognized *this* as the still active link to the collective.
>The tingling began to form itself into memories, but they weren't
his.
Crow: So that's where all of Ozzy's memory blanks went.
> He knew they were Beverly's and he knew that --
>
> -- he was watching from a distance.
Mike: Ahhh! It's Bette Midler! Run! Run for your lives!
> He was in Engineering, next to what was once the warp core,
Crow: But was now a Starbucks.
> looking out at the rest of the room. He saw himself, as Locutus,
> standing beside the Borg Queen. They were watching,
Tom: Re-runs of Seinfeld.
the Queen smiling,
Mike: Oh, not Seinfeld then.
> as Beverly Crusher ceased to exist and the Collective slowly
> inhabited her.
>
> Staring in horror, Jean-Luc saw the wires claw their way
> beneath her skin, , creating a hideous pattern of black lines
> that showed through, leaving her perfect porcelain face as
> pale as San Francisco fog.
Tom: Ah, these were _pale_ black lines then?
Mike: [sings]...turns a _blacker_ shade of pale....
>
> And then the pain hit him.
>
> He knew this pain. It was the same he felt during his own
> assimilation, as his limbs were re-grafted and wired and his
> torso was cut apart, then given mechanical replacements. The
> same pain of cords wrapping themselves around his brain and
> embedding themselves in his scalp.
Mike: I think plastic surgery has gone too far.
Crow: Some people just refuse to grow old with dignity.
>
> All of this, and he started to hear screaming... but not
> from Engineering... it was in his head. It was barely audible
> at first, then it cut itself off, and then came back in an
> intense volume.
Crow: Sounds like a Grateful Dead concert.
> And it was then that he recognized it.
>
> The terrified mental screams of Beverly Crusher's fading
> consciousness were enough to send him into blackness..........
>
>
>
>
>
> "Jean-Luc, wake up. Please wake up."
>
Tom: [snores loudly]
>
>
> His head hurt like the Four Horsemen had put on a parade.
> He couldn't remember where he was, or what had happened, but
> he recognized Beverly's voice. And that caused everything to
> come back to him.
>
> He looked up into her tortured eyes and saw the slight
> relief showing through there. Beverly's beautiful face was
> clouded by pain and terror.
Crow: Uh, Mike, what's going on?
Tom: Yeah Mike, what _is_ going on?
Mike: C'mon guys, let's get out of here...
[Mike picks up Tom and leaves]
[Crow follows]
>
> He turned away, unable to look her in the eye. This was
> HIS fault, and he knew it.
>
> And he knew he would never forgive himself.
>
0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.....
>
[SOL]
Crow: Servo, have you seen Mike since we left the theater?
Tom: No, he said something about funny noises and Rocket Number 9.
[A distant "Thud. Thud. Thud." is heard, getting louder as it
approaches]
Crow: What _is_ that noise?
Tom: Yeah, what _is_ he up to?
[A Borg appears from off-screen]
Tom & Crow: Arrgggggggggggggh!
[They both dash off]
[Borg looks at Cambot]
Borg: Resistance is stupid!
[Borg starts to peel off prosthetics, revealing that it is in fact
Mike]
[Cambot pulls back so we can see the front of the desk]
[Tom & Crow both reappear creeping along in front of the desk.
They are both carrying large water pistols]
Mike: Tom! Crow! C'mon guys, it was only a joke. I was only kidding.
Tom [Whispering]: Set phasers to soak!
[They both jump up and thoroughly soak Mike]
Tom: Whoops, sorry Mike, it was only a joke.
Crow: Yeah, Mike. We were only kidding. We really knew it was you.
[Commercial sign]
[Mike hits the button, dripping wet]
[Commercials end. M&TB re-enter the theater]
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
>
> 9. Alexis
>
>
>
> She saw the darkness flash across his face before he
> turned his head away. She knew that he knew.
Crow: He knew that she knew that he knew.
Tom: And she knew that he kn-
Mike: Cut it out.
> But somehow, instead of being comforting, it only increased her
* pain-and her fear. Her hands started to tremble in the warm
* entrance hall of the Picard home where she had dragged his
* limp body.
Crow: Shouldn't that be 'lame' body?
> It was warm in the house, a fire roaring beyond the stone
> hearth in the den, but she was cold. Her whole body began to
> shake.
Tom: There go them DT's again.
> She sat back against the wall, rocking back and forth,
> curled in a tight ball and hugging her knees to her chest to
> quell the trembling.
>
>
>
> Jean-Luc felt her hands slip from his face,
Tom: Huh? did I miss something?
Crow: It's a jump-cut within a scene!
> but he did not turn to look at Beverly. He couldn't bring himself
> to. He heard a wail,
Crow: Ah, the majestic song of the sea.
Tom: The mighty humpback breaks the waves...
* pitiful and strained, and, not for the first time since he had
* become Locutus, cursed his own mind. Not again.
Tom: Well - did he or didn't he?
Mike: Make your mind up, story!
* He could not stand to watch that happen again... It took him what
* seemed forever to realize that the noise was not only inside of
* his head, but out.
Mike: It seemed to be entering his head through his ears.
* It was coming from the woman, flesh and blood, who had been
* watching over him. Fearfully he twisted his neck until he could
* see her palsied form.
>
> His first impulse was to
Tom: ...laugh at his choice of words...
* gather her in his arms. He moved towards her to do so before he
* remembered what had happened the last time he tried to touch her.
Crow: He'd put his hand straight through the window.
* And so, miserable and afraid, Jean-Luc watched her weep. He didn't
* know what else to do.
>
>
>
> Beverly finally cried herself to sleep. Only then did
> Jean-Luc dare to move towards her. He laid her on the couch
> in the den and covered her with the afghan that had been a
> permanent fixture in the family home for generations.
Crow: I don't remember a dog in that movie...
Mike: Doesn't it smell funny?
Tom: No, it's been stuffed.
>
>
>
> He laid down on the floor a few meters away, desperately
> longing to hold her and yet earnestly
Tom: It's important to be earnest.
* fearful of her reaction. Her words still echoed in his brain,
* "Locutus." In that one simple phrase was the summation of all his
* fears.
*
Crow: So _that's_ where Tom Clancy got that title!
>
> Slowly his head grew heavy and
Mike: ...fell off. The End.
* he drifted into uneasy sleep. His dreams were vivid, too real, as
* though they were memories of actual events-but they were not his
* own.
>
>
>
> *The part of the Borg that was Beverly was screaming.
> Screaming and struggling in vain against the artificial
> invaders. "Jean-Luc, help! Please, I can't..."
Crow: "...seem to finish my sentences"
* Locutus watched dispassionately from across the room as the woman
* was consumed, transformed, improved. Resistance was futile.
* She, like all the others, would succumb and add her own gifts
* to the power of the Collective.
Tom: Sounds to me like they got a bum deal.
> The assimilation was nearly complete.
>
>
>
> The dream darkened and shifted.
>
>
>
> *He was running down a cold stone passageway, pushing
> through the heavy darkness. Ahead of him was a Borg urging
> him on, pushing him forward.
Crow: Shouldn't that be 'pulling' him forward?
Mike: Or "behind him was a Borg"?
* He cried out in pain. The Borg turned around, but he felt no fear
* as it drew near him.
>
> In the dim half-light of the cavernous place,
Tom: ...the dim half-wit ran blindly on...
* the Borg was indistinguishable until close enough to touch him.
* The face was, had once been, that of Beverly. It was half masked
* by the implants of the Borg
Mike: It's the Lone Ranger!
Tom: I think he's more like Silver.
Crow: The rear end, anyhow.
* and bruised from blows across the exposed skin. They eyepiece of
* the Borg was firmly inserted and the red laser cast a tiny dot
* of light onto his face, making him blink. She approached him,
* however, with the gentleness of his Beverly.
>
> "Jean-Luc," it was her voice, not the ringing metal song
> of the Collective. "You can do this. You have to." He again
> cried out as the pain ripped through his body. She reached
> out a hand to steady him. The hand was covered with the black
> suit of the Borg.
Tom: They only let her borrow it if she got it cleaned before
returning.
> Slowly she helped him lower himself to the
> ground. She moved a step away and sat down herself, the
> fatigue stretching her face tight. As he watched, she set out
> to continue the painful task she had begun earlier. He
> watched her rip the Borg implants,
Mike: But she really suited that _fuller_ figure.
* twisting and tearing them from her body with only her hands and
* teeth. He remembered how much it had hurt to have them removed
* on the _Enterprise_, in surgery, under anesthetic. He could not
* imagine her pain.
Crow: He should try this if he wants to know pain.
>
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~
>
> 10. Ergness (with Temporal Interference)
>
>
>
> She watched him writhe on the floor beside her,
Tom: His attempts at break-dancing were just pathetic.
> lost in a mad fury of betraying dreams. Sweat dripped down his
> face, which he held in his hands,
Crow: Why was he collecting his sweat, Mike?
> seeming to clutch the haunting pictures which ate him.
Mike: Just another day at the office for Salvador Dali.
> She did nothing..... Morning did not come happily. With
> consciousness came recollections. When Jean-Luc awoke, his first
> impulse was to
Mike: Throw up.
> check on Beverly, but an empty couch and a folded afghan greeted
> him instead. He leapt from the ground, staggering only slightly
> from the pain a night's sleep on the floor had provided him. He
> moved towards the kitchen, her presence there hinted by the
> occasional clang of a pan and
Tom: the fact that he could see her through the open door.
> an extremely appetizing aroma wafting from it.
>
> "Good morning." She didn't turn around. Why would she?
> There was nothing that she wanted to see.
>
> "Not really. Can I help?" Jean-Luc paralleled himself to
> her,
Crow: Does he think it's his driving test?
> joining her at the sink. He sighed heavily.
>
> "You could wash these if you like." Beverly gestured
> towards the mountain of
Tom: underpants.
> dishes left from the previous evening.
> The old-fashioned house had not been furnished with a
> replicator, pertaining to the explicit instructions left by
> Robert in his will. He began to rinse them off, going slowly
> and methodically, scraping minuscule particles from it.
Mike: Too much info! Too much info!
> Entire eras existed
Tom: We are the Borg! Alliteration is futile.
> and ceased to exist in the silence which stretched between them.
> It was so long....
>
>
>
> "DAMNIT!! I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE!!" Jean-Luc suddenly
> screamed, flinging a plate across the room. It met one of the
> bay windows with a deafening crash.
Crow: You know he really shouldn't have gone cold turkey with the
prozac.
>
> "Jean-Luc." She was crying again. "Don't, Jean-Luc, I
> need your strength. Don't let go. Jean-Luc..." she choked
> back her sobs... "hold on to me!" Her shoulders shook
> violently as her arms folded over her face in a pitiful
> attempt to discourage her onslaught of tears. She fell
> against the counter, expecting to feel his arms wrap around
> her, hoping to feel them, praying to feel them... but they
> did not. Jean-Luc looked hard
Tom: Harded.
> and long at this broken woman.
Mike: And decided to send the King's horses and men away.
> He saw no trace of the woman he loved. She was such a
> stranger to him now. He couldn't see any of her left in the
> wasted body before him. "I see nothing to hold onto," he
> stated,
Crow: He couldn't figure out where the handles were either,
apparently.
Tom: Maybe the vandals stole them.
> a look of terrified stoicness on his face. Beverly
> slowly turned to look at him. She shook her head and backed
> away from the counter. "Oh, Jean-Luc. What have you done?"
> Her pace quickened and she was soon out of the house, auburn
> hair streaming behind her like a trail of blood being shed
> into the sky, like a flag of defeat whipping in the wind.
>
>
>
> He remained fixed in that spot.
Tom: On reflection, superglue was not good for fixing shoes, he
decided.
* What HAD he done?! This was all his fault. If only he'd kept
* Control of his mind instead of succumbing to the influence of the
* Borg Collective. Then this never would have happened.
>
>
>
> That tingling returned again, and with it came an icy
> chill --
>
>
>
> He found himself back on deck sixteen, standing in the
> middle of a corridor intersection. He could see himself
> coming from one end of the hallway, murder written on his face
> and in his eyes.
Mike: Don't worry folks, it'll wash off, it's non-permanent pen.
>
> On the other end of the corridor stood the Borg Queen --
> holding Beverly captive.
>
>
>
> "Welcome, Locutus. I see you got our little message."
>
> "Message? Oh, I got your message.
Tom: [Locutus voice] But wouldn't a voice transmission have been
Simpler than a pigeon in an EVA suit?
> You conniving witch, how could I MISS it?!'
>
>
>
> The Borg knew everything about Jean-Luc Picard.
Crow: And they still wanted him??
> They knew the captain that hated losing his ships,
Mike: Isn't it funny how they just disappear like that?
Tom: Maybe he should check down the back of the couch?
> his crew -- who would gladly give himself up to save an officer
> under his command.
Crow: I don't know, you tell us.
> They also knew the man, knew the weakness that was his love
> for his best friend.
>
> It was as simple as putting two and two together.
Mike: And getting eight.
Tom: Is that a Borg cube?
> The Borg tracked her down, specifically going after her,
> because their queen wanted Jean-Luc Picard so broken that he
> wouldn't have the will to resist her again.
>
> And their message had been very clear. They'd made the
> struggle
Tom: What struggle??
Crow: What are they talking about??
> just messy enough to make Picard explode in fury.
Mike: Which made it even messier.
>
>
>
> "Enough of this. I know I'm the one you want. I will
> give myself to the collective if and ONLY if you let Dr.
> Crusher go."
>
> "No, Jean-Luc!!" Beverly struggled against the iron grip
> of her captor, not caring if resistance was futile. She did
> not want to see Jean-Luc hurt.
Tom: She'd rather just listen on the radio.
>
>
>
> Picard never saw the Borg attack.
Mike: Isn't that always the way? Nothing happens the whole game,
and the minute you go to get a beer they score.
>
>
>
> One of the drones grabbed him from behind and pulled him
> around.
Tom [singing]: Now I've....had...the time of my life....
> Then inserted the circuits into his veins --
Mike [Picard voice]: No, no, I said I wanted to join the _circus_.
>
>
>
> Jean-Luc watched as he was assimilated, the wires winding
> themselves through his veins and arteries, under his shin,
> taking control of his mind, one memory at a time --
>
>
>
> Beverly desperately tried to get free, to get to Picard,
> but the grip was relentless and held her fast. She could do
> nothing but watch as her dear Jean-Luc was taken over again,
> but continued her struggle.
>
> "Jean-Luc, no!! Fight them. Fight this! Please, stay
> with me!!!"
Mike: She's just so demanding!
>
> The grip let go, and Beverly feel to his side.
>
>
>
> Picard opened his eyes, immediately focusing on Beverly's
> face, hovering over him,
Tom:..and screamed!
Crow: Not another disembodied head story!
> looking very frightened.
>
> "Jean-Luc -- are you all right?"
>
> He remained silent and sat up.
>
> "Jean-Luc -- ?"
>
>
>
>
> The Borg Queen smiled, then gestured to engineering.
> Locutus very obediently stood and,
Mike: Wagged his tail.
Crow: Nice doggy.
> dragging Beverly with him,
Tom: Waited for the Queen to throw her again.
Crow: He loved playing fetch.
> made his way to engineering --..
>
>
>
>
> Picard left the house,
Mike: And frankly, he didn't give a damn.
> anxious to set the whole matter
> straight, although he already knew she'd heard every one of
> his memories.
>
>
>
>
> She looked up into the gray winter sky, tears streaming
> down her cheeks.
Mike: These new contact lenses were really killing her.
> Through the strange new connection they shared, she had seen
> and heard everything.
Tom: Ewwwwwwwwww!
Crow: Gross!
>
> And now she remembered.
>
> Jean-Luc had been willing to give himself up to save her.
> He decided to take the gamble that, if he did submit, the Borg
> would release her. Unfortunately, he had lost the gamble.
Tom: And they released her.
>
> In the end, it had been his will and determination to let
> her survive that saved not only the both of them, but all of
> humanity.
>
> Now, knowing the truth, and certain that it was real, she
> could set aside the pain she felt.
>
>
>
> Beverly could feel him coming.
[Mike grabs Crow's beak before he can say anything]
> Of course, his maniacal screaming of her name gave her a bit of
> a clue as well.
Tom: I can see how that would be a bit of a giveaway.
> The fresh air had cooled her off and dimmed her harsh feelings.
> Watching the snow fall and small winter birds dive about had
> lifted a bit of blackness from her heart and cleared her mind
> enough for her to hear that small revelation. It left a
> little room for mischief.
Mike: It was a clean little room.
Crow: And so cheap.
Tom: Like her.
>
> "Beverly!! BEVERLY!!" Jean-Luc's voice was getting
> raspier and raspier. He hurried down the barely visible road,
> feet sinking into nearly a foot of snow. He rounded the bend
> at the end of the road and
>
> WHAP!!
>
> "AGH!"
Mike: Should we be expecting Batman to arrive sometime soon?
Crow: KERRRRRR-POW!! BLAMMO!!
> Jean-Luc stumbled backwards as an enormous snow ball slammed
> into his face. He fell back into the snow. He heard a familiar
> giggle come running towards him. Beverly laughed heartily at
> him as she prepared another ball from behind a nearer tree.
Tom: This one had a half-brick in it.
> Jean-Luc let her be for a moment,
Mike: Speaking words of wisdom, let her be.
> listening to the laugh. Was there a familiar note to it?
> "Hold your fire!" he shouted, leaping from the ground.
Tom: They a lot of leaping, don't they?
>
> He brushed himself off and turned to face her. She folded
> her arms behind her back and sauntered up to him, grinning
> from ear to ear.
>
> "You look a lot better, Beverly." He smiled back at her,
> loving every minute of it.
>
>
>
> "So do you. You know what?" She paused for a moment,
> looking at him. "I think I'm all right, now that I know what
> was real about the whole episode."
Mike: I'm sure glad someone does.
> She took a deep breath of the crisp winter air and looked high
Crow: Maybe those funny-looking plants she'd seen burning were
the cause?
Tom: Or Picard's hemp tea?
Mike: She's running on hemp tea?
> up to the tree tops.
Tom: I always thought there were four.
> Jean-Luc watched her from a couple feet away. He watched the
> way her long body stood, more relaxed. He watched the way her
> long neck met her jaw line in a smooth, elegant line. He
> watched the way her sapphire eyes sparkled in the sunlighther
> eyes!
Crow: Do you think the author is trying to convey a sense of
watching?
> They were sparkling!
>
> "You know what?" He stepped closer to her. "I think
> you're okay now, too." He leaned in towards her....
>
> *Locutus of Borg, resistance
Mike: - like this story -
is futile*
>
> *Locutus of Borg, so is conformity* (a smile from Jean-
> Luc)
>
> *Beverly Crusher, feeling is irrelevant*
>
> *Who the hell cares*
Tom: Hey! She read my mind!
> (a smile from Beverly).... to be met by another wet mass of snow
Crow: Was this wet mass yellow?
Mike: Urgh!
> and a shrill laugh. He tackled her and knocked her to the ground,
* grabbing handfuls of snow and pelting her with them. But soon he
* fell,
Tom: Heh heh, this guy is so inept he managed to fall off the ground.
> too, on top of her, and as their laughter subsided and their smiles
> remained, only truth had room to be in their minds.
Mike: Yep, plenty of room for it in there.
>
> Pain, anger, hatred, fear,
Crow: Just a small selection of what this story has put us through.
> all of these were pushed out by another feeling.
Mike: Nausea.
>
> A dominant feeling over all others. A deep, passionate,
> *true*
Mike: Yep, still nausea.
> love.
>
> "Let's never do this again."
Tom: Oh please, please, let's never do this again.
>
> "Aye, Captain. Merry Christmas, Jean-Luc."
>
> "Merry Christmas, darling."
>
>
> End
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Mulder: I brought you something Scully...
Tom: The head of John the Baptist.
> Scully: I knew there was a reason to live.
Crow: But it can't be your love.
> -- One Breath
>
> "Superstars of the Super Bowl."
> (Go Niners!!)
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>
Mike: I will never, ever criticise 'Santa Claus: The Movie' again.
Tom: Yeah, this was the real Nightmare before Christmas.
[Crow leaves, singing "You better not cry, you better not shout"]
[Mike picks up Tom and follows]
0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.....
[SOL]
[SOL is covered in Xmas decorations. In one corner is a large tree,
complete with lights. Underneath the tree are what looks like
presents. Gypsy is humming "Jingle Bells"]
Mike: What's going on Gyps?
Gypsy: I thought that maybe after a story about Christmas, you boys
would enjoy a little Christmas party.
[Crow & Tom get excited]
Crow: This is grrreat! I've never had a real Christmas before.
Tom: Yeah! When's Santa coming Mike? Can I meet Santa?
Mike: Uh, I don't want put a dampener on things guys, but it's the
middle of July.
Crow & Tom: Please Mike, please Mike, please Mike, please Mike.......
[Communication light begins to flash]
Mike: Aw, what the heck. Sure, let's ask the mads, maybe they'd like
to come to our party.
[Mike hits the light]
[Deep 13]
[Dr. F. and Frank are sitting on the sofa, both looking very
dejected. Dr. F. notices the Christmas tree and brightens up.]
Dr. F.: Ah, Nelson. I thought you might be interested in our new
project.
Mike: What's that, Dr. F.?
Dr. F.: It's where we take all your Christmas presents and then you
get a week off, to do whatever you want.
[M&TB hold a hurried whispered conversation]
Mike: Uh, I don't know, Dr. F. That sounds a bit one-sided to us.
Frank: Please Mike, we're really poor now after Clay- I mean, after
I lost all our money to that Mr. Bremmer. We can't afford presents
of our own.
Mike: Welllll...since you put it like that, and seeing as how it's
Christmas an' all. Ahhhhhhh. Go on. Just this once.
[Frank reaches out and presses a button. The presents disappear from
SOL and reappear on the table in front of him. He and Dr. F. reach
greedily for them.]
[SOL]
[M&TB are in hysterics, which gradually subside enough for them to
speak]
Crow: Boy they are going to be mad when they find out what
those presents really are.
Tom: Yeah, I mean, imagine thinking they were real presents.
Mike: I didn't think the even the mads were dumb enough to
believe that we were having Christmas in July.
Crow: What _did_ you put in those boxes, Gypsy? They were heavy!
[Communication light]
Gypsy: Where did you boys think all the junk mail went?
[Mike hits the light]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F.: I suppose you think that's pretty funny, Nelson.
[SOL]
Mike: Actually, yeah.
[M&TB go into hysterics again]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F.: Well, you can forget about your weeks holiday. Just wait
and see what you're getting next week! Hit the button, Frank.
[Frank hits the button]
[End Credits]
MSTed by: C. Woods (cwo...@postmaster.co.uk)
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise all copyright Best Brains, Inc.
"Star Trek," "Star Trek: The Next Generation,"
"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and all related characters
are copyrighted by Paramount.
I am not trying to infringe on any copyrights or trademarks.
This MSTing not endorsed, authorized, or supported by anybody. This
is not meant as a personal attack on BonC Jr., whose permission was
sought (but I couldn't find him!) beforehand. This article may be
freely distributed as long as this paragraph remains intact.
[Stinger]
> Jean-Luc stumbled backwards as an enormous snow ball slammed
> into his face.
[End]