Fox's Trek fanfic MSTed (2 of 5)

[ToyCarGuy]

> and we won the Vietnam war. They also find out that while
> they while they were in the
> past, a second wormhole opened over the Nevada desert. The first wormhole
> disappeared, after they
> returned. The major in the first scene is the same major that was involved
> with the first wormhole.

Crow: "Okay, so the first wormhole became the second wormhole this week,
which was next week last week..."
Tom: "...Except on Tuesday, when they'd need three Kings or another Jack..."
Mike: "...Which would mean exchanging the chalice from the palace for the
vessel with the pestle."

>
> All ST: TNG characters in this story belong to Paramount

Crow: "...St ... St- ... Sting?!!? This was written by Sting?!!?"
Tom: "Well, maybe it was Sting of the NWO Wolfpack..."
Crow: "Oh... Well...."

>
>
> Fade In to a graduation photo of Steve Rogers from the USAF academy.

Mike: "Not in this text file, we won't!"

> Voice over

Crow: "'Voice over'? So, what, none of the characters have spoken lines
anymore?"
Mike: "Oh, that would be nice!"

> I, Steve Rogers, having been appointed a Second Lieutenant, in the
United
> States Air Force, do
> solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United

> States against all
> enemies, foreign and domestic,

Tom (proudly): "Not to mention all wines, foreign and domestic,"
Crow (proudly): "And all automobiles, foreign and domestic,"

> that I will bear true faith and allegiance to
> the same; that I take this
> obligation freely, without any mental reservation

Mike: "Or mental faculties,"

> or purpose of evasion, and
> that I will well and
> faithfully discharge the duties of the office upon which I am about to
enter.

(all): "EEEeeeewww!!!"
Crow: "I bet Clinton had no trouble memorizing *this* part!"

> SO HELP ME GOD.

Tom (booming): "BECAUSE I'M STUCK READING ANOTHER LAME STORY."

> Thousands of Air Force Cadets have taken this oath before Steve Rogers and
> thousands have since. The
> difference is Steve Rogers has become an MIA

Tom: "F-A-R-R-O-W"

> at a time when the US is not
> at war.
>
> Fade Out to white
>
> Fade in to a scene of a USAF base with planes coming in for landing.

(all, sing-song): "Laaa-lala-laaaa....Laaa-lala-laa-LAAAAA!"

>
> Typed in lower left corner of screen are the words:
> US Air Force Base Maui
> Hawaii, Nov. 1, 2000, 1:00 PM

Mike: "Hey, the story's Y2K-compliant!"
Crow: "Well, at least it has *that* going for it."

>
> Technician: Major, all the planes are back except one.
>
> Major: Which one?

Tom: "The one that's missing."

>
> Tech: Um, FoxFire is missing.

Crow: "Yeah, Blockbuster says they have plenty of copies, but try to go rent
one and --"

>
> Major: FoxFire is Steve Rogers right?

Tom (annoyed): "Tch! No, 'Foxfire' is the one with Clint Eastwood!"
Mike: "Actually, that was 'FireFox'; 'FoxFire' starred John Denver and Hume
Cronyn, I think..."
Tom: "Oh, would you just be quiet!"

>
> Tech: Yeah. Why?
>
> Major: Four years ago today Steve Rogers was sent back in time to the
> Vietnam War to find a lost test
> pilot by the name of Cary Miller. They claim to have changed history in that

> according to the "normal"
> time flow we lost the Vietnam War.

Mike: "So, is he missing today or four years ago?"
Crow: "Well, if 'today' is 'four years ago' to them, he's actually missing
four years *from* now, I think..."

>
> Tech: Interesting

Tom: "No, it's not, really."

>
> Major: Is there any chance he was shot down or separated from the group?
>
> Tech: There is no residue of any explosions and he isn't showing up on the
> radar or satellite.
>
> Major: Damn it, not again.

Crow: "'Not again', what?"

>
> Tech: He could have landed.
>
> Major: I hope so. Get me the President and if you tell anyone what I've told

> you, you will be killed.

Tom: "So calling the President is a suicide mission?"

>
> Somewhere in deep space, 2374)

Tom (singing): "In the year 2374/If Man ain't around anymore/If Woman-"
Mike: "That's quite enough."

>
> (We see an F-14 Tomcat flying in space.)

Tom: "Ah, ha-ha-haaa...No. I don't think we see a Tomcat 'flying' in space.
'Coasting' in space, maybe. 'Hurtling' through space, even. But not flying."

> (Steve Rogers looks around)
> Rogers: Where the hell am I?

Crow (moaning): "You're in the Land of Shattered Hopes and Broken
Dreams..."

> (Rogers sees a mile away a giant ship hanging in space)

Tom: "Hmmm... ILM, or Hallmark?"

> Rogers: I must be seeing things. What the hell is that?
>
> (On board the ship)

(M&tBs see Worf for the first time)

(all): "Gaaaaahhh!!!"

> Lt. Commander Worf: Sir, a ship has appeared in front of us.
> Captain Picard: Bearing?

Tom: "No, not a bearing, a ship."

> Worf: 1.6 kilometers, bearing zero and mark zero.
> Commander Riker: What type of ship? Shuttlecraft perhaps?
> Worf: Definitely not a shuttlecraft. Too small to be one...
> Commander Data: Captain, sensors indicate that the ship runs on a primitive
> fuel known as jet fuel, it
> appears to have been made on Earth

Mike: "If it's running on jet fuel then, yes, it probably *was* made on
Earth."

> Picard: Jet fuel, I thought they stop using that in the mid-twenty-first
> century.
> Data: Yes, they did. The ship appears to be of a type used during the
> twentieth century, to be more
> specific I believe we are looking at an F-14 Tomcat from the USA. The
> Tomcat was for atmospheric
> flight only.
> Picard: How did it get out here if it can't fly in space?

Tom: "Physics."

> Data: I would assume it was either put here as a ruse by some enemy of the
> Federation's or it was snatched
> from its time period and deposited in ours. The chances of it being a ruse
> are much higher than it being
> displaced in the time stream.

Crow: "Hmph. Guess those fancy Federation computers missed the first story
too!"

> Picard: Is there anyone on board?
> Data: Sensors indicate that there is one Terran being on board the ship at
> this time.
> Picard: What type of communication would it have?
> Data: Taking into account the time period that it is from I would have to
> say it uses radio waves.

Tom: "...Um, don't *all* electronic communications systems use radio waves?"
Mike: "Well, Starfleet talks in subspace, so I guess they use submarine
waves."
Tom (frowns at Mike): "Shut up."

> Worf: Sir, the plane will be on top of us soon if we don't do something.
> Request permission to use tractor
> beam.
> Picard: Permission granted.

Crow (as Picard): "After all it's not like our tractor beams could crush
a jet plane or anything..."

> (We see a green beam reach out from the ship and stops the Tomcat dead in
> its track)
> Rogers: What the hell is going on here?
> (We see Rogers turn a couple dials on the control panel)
> Rogers (thinking to himself): Chances are this won't work but it's worth a
> shot.

Mike: "Oh, it *definitely* won't work."
Tom: "But it is worth a shot. Of vermouth."

> (Onboard the ship)
> Worf: Sir, we are being hailed.
> Picard: On screen
> Worf: It is an audio message only.
> Picard: On speakers, then.

Mike: "See, 'cause they would need TV waves for it to-"
Tom: "Shut. Up."

> Rogers: This is Captain Steve Rogers from the United State Air Force, who
> are you, and where the hell
> am I?
> Picard: Mr. Worf send out the following message.
> Worf: Ready, Sir.
> Picard: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship
> Enterprise, you are in the Alpha
> quadrant.
> Rogers: In relation to Earth where am I?

Tom: "So, what, Worf is a super-fast typist?"

> Picard: Data, you handle this one.
> Data: You are over a thousand light years from Earth.

Crow: "Great; another word problem."

> Rogers: Please tell me this is just some sort of new Air Force simulation.
> Data: I would tell you, but that would be lying.
> (Riker starts laughing)

Tom: "Mike and the 'Bots remain silent."

> Data: Did I say something funny?
> Riker: Yes, but continue talking to Captain Rogers.
> Data: Okay.

Tom: "'Okay'?! Data does not say 'okay."

> Rogers: You mean to tell me under my own power I would die thousands of
> years before reaching Earth in
> my plane.
> Data: Yes, that is correct.
> Rogers: Hmmm, Jean-Luc Picard, that's French isn't it?
> Picard: Yes, what's your point.
> Rogers: Then you're from Earth, right?
> Picard: Most of our crew is from Earth although we have on board: Klingons,
> a Bajoran, an El Aurian, a
> Betazoid, a Vulcan, and an android.
> Rogers: Good, what year is it?

Crow: "What, Hero-Boy just takes all that in stride?"

> Picard: Data, if you please.
> Data: Captain Rogers do you want Stardate or Earthdate?
> Rogers: I don't know what a stardate is so give me the Earthdate

Crow: "I'll bet he knows what a five-fingered da-"
Mike: "*Crow!*"

> and I also
> want to know how you got this
> far away from Earth in a ship shaped like a dustpan.

Tom (as Picard): "Why, you snotty little Yank!; I ought to-"

> Data: The year is 2374, DEC 7. AS for you're second question, this ship is
> capable of traveling faster
> than light.
> Rogers: Do you still observe Pearl Harbor Day?
> Picard: Data, what is he talking about?

Mike: "Oh, C'MON! Picard would know what that is!"

> Data: Pearl Harbor Day refers to the attack on Dec. 7 1941 by the Japanese
> on the Hawaiian Islands. This
> attack ultimately brought the Americans into World War II. A further result

> of this...
> Picard: That's enough Data. No Captain Rogers, we don't.

Tom: "Well, I don't remeber *that* being in any of the tech manuals."

> Roger: Could you bring me aboard? I have a limited air supply.

Tom (singing): "I'm all out of air/I'm so lost without air/I-"
Mike: "Tom...."
Tom: “Oh... Sorry.”

> Picard: Worf use the tractor beams to bring Captain Rogers' ship into the
> main shuttlebay and have a
> security detail meet the captain when he arrives.
> Worf: Yes, sir.
> (A USAF base near LA, Nov. 1 2000)
> (Inside a mess hall)

Crow: "Ah, that would be the hall leading to Servo's room."
Tom: "Hey...!"

> General: Captain Tom Cox, the president is on Line 1 for you.
> Captain Tom Cox: Okay... I'm going.

Crow (weakly): "...All the way ... over there ... oh, it's sooo far...."

> (We see Tom get up and go over to a telephone)
> Tom: Hello Mr. President.
> President Lawlor: Rogers is missing again.

(all, in utter disbelief): "PRESIDENT LAWLER?!!?"
Crow (sing-song): "'Oh, I'm the king! I'm the king! I'm the king of
wrasslin' Tennessee!'"
Mike: "Oh, man, we have GOT to do something with this!"
(Mike lifts Tom out of his seat)
Tom: "I'm way ahead of you, Mike; I'm just gonna need you help with..."
(Mike, carrying Tom, and Crow rise and exit right)

(1...2...3...4...5...6...dogbone)

(Bridge of the SoL. Mike and Crow stand behind the console; Servo stands atop
it; he is holding a pointer. In front of Mike is an easel holding a large
sketchpad.)

Mike (flatly): "Ha-ha. Imagine that. We thought 'President Lawlor' was
former-pro-wrestler-turned-announcer Jerry 'The King' Lawler. How silly of
us."
Crow (flatly): "Yes, ha-ha. How silly."
Tom (flatly): "Indeed. A former pro wrestler being elected to a public
office. How humorous. Ha-ha."

(all three look at each other nervously)

Tom: "Okay, let's just go ahead and run with the idea. Here we have...
(aside to Mike): "Uh, Mike...the sketchpad..."
Mike: "Oh, yeah...sorry."

(Mike lifts back the cover of the sketchpad to reveal the first drawing)

Tom: "Here we have Jerry Lawler, bedecked in his royal costume and crown
sitting at the announcers' table. Next..."

(Mike flips the page)

Tom: "Now we have Jerry Lawler, Sitting President. Uh, Cambot, you wanna
zoom in on this a little?"

(Cambot zooms in on the drawing. Jerry Lawler is still bedecked as before, but
now he is standing behind a lectern decorated with a large image of the Seal of
the Office of the President)

Crow: "Ya'know, that would clear up a LOT of gridlock."
Mike: "How so?"
Crow: "Remember when Lawler belted Andy Kaufman on Letterman's show? Well,
if some congressman was giving Lawler a hard time, he'd just walk over to the
guy and smack him down."
Mike: "Wow ... there *is* a certain visceral appeal in that..."
Crow: "And speaking of visceral appeal, the First Lady would be Sable!"
(all 3 'ooh' and 'ahh')
Tom: "Mmm-hmm! And, since Lawler was a wrestler turned announcer, I think
it'd be good balance to have an announcer turned wrestler."
Crow: "You don't mean..."
Tom: "Yes, I do! Ladies and gentleman, I give you..." (Mike flips page)
"...Vice-President Diamond Dallas Page!"
Crow: "Oh, man! The first Vice-President that would people would notice!"
Mike: "Too cool! I can just see Page puttin' the Diamond Cutter on some
smart-alecky visiting dignitary!" (in gruff Page voice) "Mr. Aziz! You
will...feel...the...BANG!"
Crow: "Tom, this *is* fun! Who's next?"
Tom: "'Who's next'? Funny you should ask..."
Mike: "You don't mean...!"
Tom: "America, I give you..." (flip page) "...Speaker of the House --
GOOOLLLLDBEEERRRRG!!!"
Mike: "Oh, man! And Congress thought Newt Gingrich was tough!"
Crow (as Sam Donaldson): "...And David Bonior continues to fillibuster
despite the inappropriateness of the...But wait...what's thi-- OOH! Bonior
gets the Spear! Bonior is out cold on the floor of the House, ladies and
gentleman!"
Tom: "And following the precident set by Janet Reno, I've chosen another
frighteningly strong woman for that postion."
Mike: "Ah! This could only be..." (flip page)
Tom: "Attorney General -- Chyna!"
Crow: "Wow! She's even tougher than Janet Reno, and yet much more feminine!"
Mike: "Yeah! ... Really?"
Crow: "Yeah! ... Well, in the same way that Sylvester Stallone is feminine."
Mike: "Ah. Okay, so who holds the office of Defense Secretary?"
Tom: "That's a little unusal; you see, in this fantasy scenario there is no
longer a Defense *Secretary* because the man filling that position put three
people in the hospital before it was decided that a change of title would be a
*good* thing."
Mike: "I think I see where this is headed..." (flip page)
Tom: "America, allow me to present our first Defense SOB, 'Stone Cold' Steve
Austin!
Crow (in gruff Texan accent): "Lemme set you straight. I ain't got no
problem with America bein' the world's policeman. What I *do* have a problem
with is after we go an' clean up other countries' problems for them, they have
the nerve to call us 'Ugly Americans', chide us for not havin' any real
culture, an' generally disprecting us. Well, *this* SOB ain't gonna put up
with no candy-ass tea-bag totin', croissant-dunkin', non-leg-shavin'
wrong-side- of-the-road-drivin' sniveling little Euro-trash yahoos puttin' this
great Country down. Otherwise the next time some aggressor nation threatens to
upset their tea-time siesta, they're gonna find themselves havin' to stand on
their *own* two sabot-wearin' feet for a while, an' that's the bottom line!"
Mike: "Wow, that was ... really over the top."
Crow (coughing): "Thank you ... ('ahem') Uh, I could use a lozenge..."
Mike: "Yes, I see that."
Tom: "And finally,..." (Mike flips page) "...I would like to present
Secretary of the Interior, Ric Flair!"

(Cambot pans back)

Crow: "Ric Flair?!?"
Mike: "Yeah, 'The Nature Boy'!"
Crow: "Oh, yeah. What the hell was I thinkin'?"
Mike: "Well, that certainly *was* fun, wasn't it?"
Tom: "Yes, Mike, it certainly was."
Crow: "I certainly thought so too."
Mike (smiling broadly): "Yes, kids, when it comes to voting
responsibly, pretending *can* be fun. We'll be right back, everybody!"

(Planet logo)

[Insert "10-10-3.1415927" ad here]

ToyCarGuy, MSTie #72920;
Trekkie, 'Toon-head, Soup-head

"The suspense is terrible; I hope it lasts!" - Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder)

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