Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [3/8]
Matthew Blackwell
[Mike once again has his head buried in his hands. Crow stands
next to Mike, speaking to him.]
Crow: Here's another one. "She says it's cold outside and she
hands me a raincoat."
Mike: Crow, go away.
Crow: Come on, guess.
Mike: I dunno. "Desperate but Not Serious."
Crow: Bzzzt! Nope. "3 AM" by Matchbox 20. Okay, let's try
another one.
Mike: Crow, can we *please* play something else?
Crow: No! Now, here's your next one. "Home..."
Mike: "Burning for You" by Blue Oyster Cult.
Crow: Er, yeah.
Mike: Crow, if we're going to play this game, do I at least
get a turn?
Crow: Sure, as soon as I use up my 300 free turns.
Mike: And you got those how?
Crow: Keith gave him to me. They're transferable from guy
to guy.
Mike: And Keith is?
Crow: [Sighing] Must we go through this *again*? Keith...
[Tom enters.]
Tom: Mike, I just learned something really interesting.
Mike: Really? What?
Tom: Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once appeared
on "The Golden Girls" playing an Elvis impersonator?
Mike: Really? An Elvis impersonator?
Tom: No foolin'.
Mike: Huh. [pause] Well, Crow. You were saying?
Crow: Thank you. Anyway, Keith was a...
Mike: [interrupting] You know, I just can't get over that
Quentin Tarentino was on "The Golden Girls" playing an
Elvis impersonator.
Crow: Hey! I have a story here to finish!
Tom: It's hard to wrap your brain around, isn't it?
Crow: Hello? Amusing anecdote in progress...
Mike: Say, does Gypsy know about this?
Tom: I dunno. Let's ask her!
Crow: Look, I can start the lyric quiz again if you want...
Mike: Hey, Gypsy! Come here!
[Gypsy enters.]
Gypsy: Yes Mike?
Mike: Gypsy? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once played
an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"?
Gypsy: You dragged me away from "The Practice" for that? Geez.
Why do I even bother recirculating the oxygen for you
people? You're obviously not using any of it...
[Gypsy slinks away in a huff.]
Mike: Oh. [brightening] Say, I bet that Pearl would like to
hear about this! Say, Pearl?
[Mike hits a button and the view shifts to that of Castle
Forrester. Pearl and her henchmen stare grimly at the camera.]
Pearl: Mike, we're not stopping the fic, no matter how much
you...
[SoL]
Mike: Say, Pearl? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino once
played an Elvis impersonator on "The Golden Girls"?
[Castle Forrester]
[The trio look uneasily at each other for a second, then turn
back to the camera.]
Pearl: No, we didn't know that.
Observer: It's awfully fascinating though.
Bobo: I knew that.
Pearl: Quiet. You did not.
Bobo: I did!
[SoL]
Mike: Tom? Who else can we tell about this?
Tom: Oh! How about Crow?
Crow: You already told me.
Tom: Well, how about Santa?
Mike: Good idea! Hey, Santa! Did you know that Quentin
Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on
"The Golden Girls"?
[North Pole]
Santa: Ho, ho, ho! No, I didn't know that!
[SoL]
Tom: Say, why don't we tell avant-garde rock artist Moby?
Mike: Good idea! Hey, Moby! Did you know that Quentin
Tarentino once played an Elvis impersonator on "The
Golden Girls"?
[We shift to the interior of a Manhattan loft.
Moby sits in a chair and looks Mobyishly at
the camera.]
Moby: No, I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me.
[SoL]
Crow: Okay, we've told everyone, can we...
Mike: Say, Tom, I just remembered something. Before he
was a director, didn't Tarentino work in a video
store?
Tom: Well, yes, I think he did! Wow! We need to tell
everyone about this!
Mike: Good idea! Hey, Crow!
Crow: I heard.
Tom: Gypsy's gotta know about this! Hey, Gyps!
Gypsy: [O.S.] I'm not coming out there and wasting my
time again!
Mike: Let's tell Pearl!
Tom: Pearl? Did you know that Quentin Tarentino worked
in a video store before he became a director?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Well, duh, Mike.
Observer: It's a rather well known fact, Michael.
Bobo: I knew that one too.
Pearl: No, you didn't!
Bobo: I did so! I'm very well versed in entertainment
trivia!
[SoL]
Mike: Should we tell Santa?
Crow: Guys, come on.
Tom: Let's!
Mike: Hey Santa! Did you know that Quentin Tarentino
worked in a video store before he became a
director?
[North Pole]
Santa: Well, yes, Mike. I was aware of that.
[SoL]
Mike: Moby should know this too! Hey, Moby? Did you
know that Quentin Tarentino worked in a video
store before he became a director?
[Moby's Loft]
Moby: I thought that was Robert Rodriguez.
[SoL]
Mike: Nope! It was Quentin Tarentino!
Tom: Yep! Neat, huh?
[Moby's Loft]
Moby: Yeah, neat. Um, who are you guys?
[SoL]
Mike: Hey, Tom! I just remembered something else
about Quentin Tarentino!
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Crow, I've give you twenty bucks if you shut
those two up.
[SoL]
[Crow holds up a monkey wrench.]
Crow: Way ahead of you.
[Crow swings the wrench and Tom and Mike fall unconscious
to the floor.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Thanks Crow. I owe you one.
[SoL]
Crow: My pleasure.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: I'm afraid that I have to send you the story now.
[SoL]
[The story sign has begun to flash.]
Crow: That's okay, Pearl. Anything's better than listening
to those two prattle on about Tarentino. EVEN GUERIN
SIGN!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!
[Crow jumps around for a moment, then stops and looks
around before facing the camera.]
Crow: Pearl? How am I going to get these two into the
theater?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Let me worry about that, Crow. Just go ahead and
push the button.
[SoL]
[Crow shrugs and hits the button, and the door sequence
begins...]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[Crow enters the theater. Mike and Tom are already there, but
weave groggily in their chairs.]
Crow: Hey, guys. Say, I'd really like to hear more about
Quentin...
Mike: I think I'll pass on that offer.
Tom: Me too.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 3: We Shall Overcome
Tom: The SOL's battle cry. That and "Waffles for all!"
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The 'Tank' was the van that Trent Lane and Jesse Moreno, the two
>leading members of the band Mystik Spiral, drove in to gigs.
Crow: They use it to quell rebellious audiences.
> Trent was
>lead singer and lead guitarist, while Jesse was rhythm guitarist.
>Trent was driving the 'Tank' with Jesse sitting next to him. In the
>back were Daria, Jane, Andrea, Mack and David.
>
Mike: This portion of the story brought to you by the National
Seating Council.
Crow: You know, vans fit into the Guerinverse *so* well it's a
wonder we don't see more of them.
Tom: It's Mystik Spiral's practice audience! The band felt it
was needed to practice audience control... like avoiding
tomatoes and playing requests.
>"Sorry we disrupted your practice session, Trent," Daria said.
>
Mike: They PRACTICE?
Tom: By Joel, I think the universe is imploding!
Crow: [Daria] By the way, would you please stop playing that
stupid "Standing on My Neck" song?
>"I wouldn't worry about it," Trent said; "we were going to take a
>break anyway."
>
Crow: [Trent] Like, all that sleeping had us really tired out.
>They were now approaching the Highland city limits.
Tom: They are now IN Highland. I repeat...
> They entered town
>and pulled up to the EZ-Mart. Sure enough, Beavis and Butt-Head were
>getting nachos.
>
Tom: Mike, I think these two really like nachos, but I'm not sure.
Mike: Where'd you get that idea?
>"Like, these are the idiots you used to know, Daria?," Trent said.
>
Mike: [Trent] Like, why is their animation so jerky, Daria?
>"Yep, the two morons from Hell," Daria replied.
>
Tom: Hey, you LIVED here once, Daria!
Mike: She didn't mean Highland, Tom.
>Beavis saw them first.
>
Crow: [Beavis] Hey, it's Scott Weiland! Cool!
>"Hey, Butt-Head! BUTT-HEAD!," shrieked Beavis.
>
Tom: [Trent] Was he talking to me?
>"Uh, what is it, Beavis?," Butt-Head replied.
>
Crow: [Beavis] I was wondering what you thought about the
allegory inherent in "1984" concerning the creeping
fascism invading our society and the loss of privacy
that increases day by day?
>"Look who's back in town!," Beavis added.
>
Mike: [Beavis] It's the cast from that spin-off of ours!
>They both saw Daria and the others. Then they began the chant they
>always said whenever they saw Daria:
>
Tom: o/~ It's St. Patrick's Day... o/~
>"DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA!"
>
Crow: Maybe it's just me, but Kaopectate's new ad slogan just
doesn't seem all that convincing.
>"Uh, Diarrhea, what are you doing here?," Butt-Head asked.
>
Tom: [Butthead] Shouldn't you be kicking someone's crotch?
>"I see you two haven't changed a bit," Daria said.
>
Mike: [Butthead] Quite the contrary, my morose friend! I and
my comrade in arms, young Beavis, have been waxing
philosophical about the current state of intellectual
property in the Western nations.
>"You wanna score with us?," Beavis asked her.
>
Tom: Impossible! Their passing game doesn't have the depth,
and Butthead just can't run the ball like he used to!
>"Yeah, maybe you can measure the friction caused by my digitally
>oscillating my wiener again," Butt-Head said.
>
All: EWWWWWWWWWW!
Crow: Mike, I plan to ram my head into the theater doors now
until I either break through or shatter my processors
into dust.
Mike: Okay. Knock yourself out.
Crow: That's the idea.
[Crow leaves]
>"What in--," Jane said.
>
>"It's kind of a long story, Jane," Daria said, embarrassed.
>
Tom: Hey Guerin, you're missing a great opportunity to
interrupt and give us some backstory.
Mike: Don't taunt him.
>She now turned her attention to Beavis and Butt-Head again. "Beavis,
>Butt-Head, this is my best friend, Jane Lane; that's her brother
>Trent;
Mike: [Daria] I love him, so if you have some beef, take it up
with him.
> the black couple are Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a Mack,
Tom: Don't confuse him with his namesake. He can't jump squat.
> and
>Jodie Landon; the guy in leather is Jesse Moreno and the guy with
>brown curly hair is David MacAllister."
>
Mike: And now, we'll just introduce everyone as if they're
part of a delegation.
Tom: [Daria] Just because I loathe and despise the very ground
you stand upon is no reason to deny the audience a good
long introduction scene.
>Beavis and Butt-Head went into their familiar hideous laughter:
>
[Crow wanders back in.]
Mike: So, how'd the head bashing go?
Crow: It was a wash! Pearl's got the doors lined with fluffy
pillows!
Mike: Well, she's always thinking ahead.
>"HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!"
>
Mike: No, no! You're grinding the starter! Back off, then
adjust the choke!
>"UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!"
>
Crow: [Krankor] Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa Haaa
Haaa.
Tom: [Jane] Um, Daria, can you translate? Was that
gibberish for "Hi"?
>"I think they like you, Jane," Daria said.
>
Mike: One can always tell by their laughter!
Tom: Either that or they like David.
>"If that's the way they act if they like you, I hate to think how they
>act if they hate you!," Jane said rather defensively.
>
Tom: Foreshadowing or just plain coincidence? YOU decide!
Crow: We'll find out in "Mushy Nephew Destroys Delicious Bakery!"
>"Beavis, Butt-Head," Daria continued, "You guys haven't seen my sister
>Quinn around here with her friends, have you?"
>
>"Uh, no," Butt-Head said.
>
Tom: [Butthead] Are you lost? Are you looking for your mommy?
>"Good," Daria replied; "if you do see them, and if they ask you where
>Todd is, tell them you don't know."
>
>"Uh, yeah, sure, or something," Butt-Head replied.
>
Mike: Well, that thought's already dead and buried.
Crow: [Butthead] By the way, who's Todd?
Tom: [Daria] That's the idea! Keep it up!
>"Can we score with you now, Diarrhea?," Beavis said.
>
Mike: Who wants to score any form of diarrhea?
>"At the Greek calends!," Daria shot back, then left with the rest.
>
Crow: Beside Deadman's Curve!
>"Uh, Beavis, what's a Greek calend?," Butt-Head asked.
>
Tom: [Beavis] It's the end of a Greek cal, you twit!
>"Probably some Greek version of a taco or something," Beavis said. Of
>course, what those two didn't know was that Daria meant "Never!,"
>since the ancient Greeks didn't use calends in their calendars to
>denote the last day of the month. That was the Romans.
>
Crow: I think *that's* up for the best "kill a roach with a
sledgehammer" award.
Tom: Maybe we should explain every joke we make!
Crow: Yeah, we've really been cutting off the five percent
of our audience who need everything explained to them
so they don't have to use that gray sponge in the
heads.
Mike: Actually, the Romans used it to denote the FIRST day
of the month...
Bots: Mike!
Mike: What?
>Just as the 'Tank' left, Quinn and the Fashion Club arrived.
>
Tom: Talk about convenient timing. At least we don't have
to wait a few more chapters for anything to actually
happen.
>"There they are," Quinn said.
>
Mike: [Quinn] The latest fashions, only 20% off normal price!
Tom: [Sandi] And we went to, of all places, EZ-Mart?
>"Hey, Butt-Head!," Beavis said; "now Quinn's here too!"
>
Mike: [Beavis] It's like we're famous or something!
>"These are the geeks you were telling me about?," Sandi said.
>
Tom: Geeks? More like brain-dead slobs.
Crow: [Sandi] I don't see any chicken's heads. [normal]
You see, in old timey carnival freakshows, people
called "geeks" would bite the heads off of live
chickens.
>"Uh, Quinn, we just saw your sister, Diarrhea," Butt-Head said.
>
Mike: [Butthead] We stayed in the bathroom well over an hour!
>"You have a sister named Diarrhea?," Sandi said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Yeah. Mom and Dad nearly named me Malaria.
>"Oh, that was a long time ago," said a rather embarrassed Quinn; "she
>died from typhoid fever a few years back."
>
Crow: [Quinn] Her name was Mary. She hung around this creepy
blind lawyer. [normal] That was a reference to Typhoid Mary,
a villain in the popular comic book "Daredevil", about a
blind lawyer who uses his radar sense to fight crime.
Mike: That's enough, Crow.
>"How do I know that they're not talking about your cousin Daria, and
>that she's actually your sister?," Sandi demanded.
>
Mike: Wow, she came up with that assumption quickly.
Tom: [Sandi] And that you're Stefan's long-lost half-sister
who's secretly in love with a married man, but also
share feelings with someone else when your other
identity comes out, and...
>"Well, um, er," Quinn hesitated; she then spat out, "It's none of your
>business!"
>
Crow: Ah, the famous "shut up" debating technique.
>"How dare you yell at me, Quinn!," roared back Sandi.
>
Tom: [Sandi] Like, I'm the Great Cornholio, or whatever!
Mike: You started "Dark Side of the Moon" early.
Bots: Eh?
Mike: We're only at the second roar..
>"Oh, yeah!," Quinn said, then they began to scratch at each other's
>eyes.
>
Mike: Glenn Eichler's "Valley of the Dolls"!
Crow: That, or Macy's started selling scratch and sniff
eyeshadow.
>"LOOK, BUTT-HEAD!," Beavis said in a frantic voice; "CATFIGHT!
>CATFIGHT!"
>
Mike: It's Julie Newmar vs. Eartha Kitt vs. Michelle Pfeiffer
in a three-way steel cage litterbox match for the
Cat-Title!
>They started their hideous laughter again.
>
Crow: Tee-hee, it's funny 'cause they're fighting over
something petty!
>Stacy and Tiffany got between Quinn and Sandi.
>
Mike: And got shredded for their troubles.
>"C'mon, guys, knock it off!," Stacy said; "you're supposed to be best
>friends!"
>
Tom: Like Eminem and Will Smith!
>"Uh, Beavis, remember, we're not supposed to tell them that Todd is at
>the Grungy Bull Grill," Butt-Head said.
>
[Mike slaps his forehead.]
Crow: You'd think Daria would be smart enough to realize that
this would happen...
>Suddenly, the fighting stopped.
Mike: Hey! It's Christmas!
Tom: The Germans and the British are pouring out into no-man's
land to play some football...
> "C'mon," an exasperated Sandi said,
Mike: [Sandi] Let's get out of here before those two drive us
crazy! AAAAAAH!
>"let's get out of here; we just got the information that we wanted!"
>They then left in a hurry.
>
>"That sucks!," Beavis said. "They didn't even rip their clothes off! I
>wanted to score with them!"
>
Crow: [Beavis] I brought my Electronic Yahtzee for nothing!
>"You always want to score with the cute chicks, Beavis!," Butt-Head
>replied. They then left and made their way to the Grungy Bull Grill.
Tom: They were going to listen to the music of Kurt Cowbain.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>At the Grungy Bull Grill, propane salesman Hank Hill had just topped
>off the restaurant's tank.
Crow: He drove in all the way from Texas just for this.
> Now he was settling business at the bar.
>Todd sat at a nearby stool.
>
Mike: Sipping on a Pina Colada and looking over the personal ads.
>"I reckon that will be $50, sir," Hank said.
>
Mike: Pretty low for a huge propane tank, Hank.
Crow: That or pretty high for a small one.
>"That sounds about right," the manager said. He cut a check for the
>bill and gave it to Hank.
>
Tom: [Manager] It's dated for something called a "Greek
calends"...
Crow: Ah, the wonders of approximate book-keeping.
>"Thank you, sir. And thanks for using Hill Propane.
Crow: What the Sam Hill? He works for *Strickland* Propane!
Tom: [despairing] Oh, Hank. Must even *you* misrepresent
yourself to look good?
Mike: Well - maybe he's started his own business in this story.
Tom: One would presume that an event so staggering would
have been exhaustively explained... but that might work.
Crow: Thanks for heading off our grandstanding emotional
outburst, Mike.
Mike: Er - any time.
> Now, if you don't
>mind, I'm going to have a beer before I go."
>
Tom: [Manager] Fine, drink your beer! Don't order any of ours!
Hmmph!
>Todd looked at him and then said,
Crow: [Todd, grumbling] Wish *I* had a successful FOX primetime
sitcom...
> "Why don't you try the steak they
>have here? It's mighty good. It's on me." He took out his wallet and
>took out some cash.
>
Mike: The villain, ladies and gentlemen.
>"Why, that's pretty neighborly of you, sir!," Hank said.
>
Crow: Pretty neighborly for a thug-for-hire, indeed.
Tom: You never know when you're going to find another customer.
>"Buddy! Two T-bone steaks! Make mine well done and the other--," Todd
>said.
>
>"I like mine medium rare," Hank said.
>
>"Medium rare," Todd repeated.
>
Tom: No one will be admitted during the spine tingling "steak
ordering" scene!
>The door then opened, and the Fashion Club entered.
>
Crow: If this were a saloon, we'd have an awkward pause right
about now...
Mike: And some Sergio Leone music.
>"Those gals look like they're from out of town!," Todd said.
>
Mike: [Todd] They're animated differently.
Crow: Now, if Pete would just write in an appearance by
Sailor Moon and the South Park kids, the animators
would just quit in frustration!
>They slowly approached Todd. He then recognized one of them.
>
Tom: Well, who wouldn't recognize Madeline Albright?
>"Quinn Morgendorffer, is that you?," he asked.
>
>"Yeah," Quinn replied, rather nervously.
>
Mike: [Quinn] But please, call me Quinny.
>Todd then extended his hand and said, "Long time, no see!" They shook
>hands.
Crow: Generous, polite, respectful - I don't know about you guys,
but so far, I like Todd better than any of the "heroes".
> "How's that miserable twit of a sister of yours, Daria?"
>
>"Well, um, er--," Quinn began to hesitate.
>
>"Don't you mean her cousin, Daria?," Sandi said.
>
Mike: You know, this is the SECOND clue this fanfic... you
think she'd be on to her little game by now.
>"Well, that's not important right now," Quinn said.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Sub-plot later. Plot needs to move!
Crow: Oh my, they're actually concentrating on the PLOT for
once!
>"Who are the girls with you?," Todd asked.
>
Tom: [Todd] Is there something you should tell me? Don't worry,
I'll understand.
>"Well," Quinn said, "these are the members of the Lawndale High School
>Fashion Club.
Mike: [Todd] Ooo, you're asking me to join? I'm in!
> That's Sandi, our club president. Stacy's the club
>secretary and Tiffany's the club treasurer. I'm the vice president."
>
>"You know these ladies?," Hank asked Todd.
>
Tom: Um, Hank? Were you actually LISTENING to that introduction
scene?
Mike: I wasn't.
Crow: Me neither.
Tom: But... but... ARGH!
>"Well, I do know Quinn here," Todd said. "She used to live here."
>
Tom: [Todd] And these others are Sandi, the Fashion Club president;
Stacy, the secretary; and Tiffany, the treasurer.
>Just then, the door opened and Beavis and Butt-Head entered, doing
>their hideous laughter.
>
Tom: I think at this point it's safe to say these two morons'
laughter can best be described, more or less, as "hideous".
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Crow: By the way, I take that back about them actually
concentrating on the plot.
>"Aw, Hell!," Todd said; "not those two!"
>
Mike: If this was actually an episode rather than a fanfic,
I think this is the part where the audience leaves for
a bathroom break.
>Hank saw them and said, "What in tarnation are those two!"
>
Crow: [Beavis] We're, uh, like, the ghosts of Mike Judge's
creations past! You'll be visited by Inbred Jed later,
mhmh!
Tom: For the remainder of this fic, the part of Hank Hill
will be played by Yosemite Sam.
>"Who asked you, asswipe?," Butt-Head said.
>
>"Yeah, like go away, assmunch!," Beavis added.
>
Mike: [Beavis] There's a two-crossover limit per scene,
so beat it!
>"My son Bobby is more well-behaved then you two!," Hank said.
>
Crow: All Arlen trembles at the name of Bobby Hill!
>"Oh, no!," Quinn squeaked into Sandi's ear. "Those two followed us
>here!"
>
Mike: Followed YOU? They GAVE you the LOCATION!
>"I'll take care of this!,"
Tom: Todd, friendly butt-kicker for hire.
> Todd said. He got up, grabbed Beavis and
>Butt-Head by the scruff of their necks, went outside with them, beat
>the stuffing out of them, and then er-entered.
>
Crow: Even the author's not sure what happened.
Mike: Well, he didn't know if Todd was coming back inside, or if he
had to rush off and save a kitten from a tree.
>"And don't you dare come back!," he yelled as he saw them crawling
>down the sidewalk.
Tom: Yep. This story should be re-titled "Todd - Gentle But Firm
Man of Action"!
> He could hear Beavis say to Butt-Head "Man, this
>sucks!"
>
Crow: Beavis' thoughts on life, summed up in three words.
>The steaks arrived. "Maybe you ladies would like to have some
>steak?," Todd asked.
>
Mike: Turns out Todd's not only generous, he's a paid
spokesperson for the American Cartoon Beef Council.
Crow: [Quinn] No thanks, we purged an hour ago.
>"You guys go ahead," Sandi said; "I'm a strict vegetarian."
>
Mike: [Sandi] Except when I'm eating meat, of course.
>"Well, they do have one mean pizza here," Todd said.
>
Tom: What do they have there that ISN'T good?
Crow: The complimentary bread, maybe?
>"OK, I can go for that," Sandi said.
>
Tom: [Sandi] I'll have some with meat sauce, cheese from cow's
milk, Canadian bacon, and pepperoni!
>"Buddy!," Todd said, "Make three more T-bone steaks, medium rare, and
>two slices of pizza with mushrooms and peppers!"
>
Tom: [cook] Oh, great. Here I was going for another normal day,
and then *somebody* has to be creative!
Mike: What? No kiwis or mangos?
Crow: I'm not having an avocado-less pizza!
>The ladies took seats next to Todd and Hank at the bar. Right now,
>they were going to talk business.
Tom: [Sandi] So, like, how much propane can you sell us?
Mike: [Quinn] Propane is *so* in this year.
Crow: [Tiffany] Dooooooooes propane make me look faaaaaaaaaaat?
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Meanwhile, Daria and her friends were driving around in the "Tank".
Tom: Suddenly, the action shifts over to the DMZ, where Daria
prepares to take out the North Korean hardpoint!
>Daria told Trent to stop at one particular house.
>
Mike: Goes right with her personality.
>"Guys," Daria said, "this is where I used to live."
Crow: [Daria] How is the neighbor downstairs? How
is her temper this year?
Mike: [Jane] I'll turn up the TV and stomp on the floor
just for fun.
> It was a rather
>drab-looking house.
>
Tom: [Jane] Drab-looking, isn't it?
Crow: [Daria] Yes, quite drab-looking.
Mike: [Trent] If I wouldn't say any better, I'd say it was
drab-looking.
Tom: [David] What's drab-looking?
Crow: [Mack] That house, it's drab-looking.
Tom: [David] Oh, what do you know? It IS drab-looking!
Mike: [Jesse] Yep, pretty drab-looking.
Crow: [Jodie] Drab-looking house, Daria!
>"You lived in this dump?," Jane asked.
>
Crow: [Daria] Yeah, I really miss the flies and vermin.
>"Well," Daria was quick to defend," that was before my dad got his
>promotion and we moved to Lawndale."
>
Tom: [Daria] Plus, our animation wasn't as good back then.
>"Were you born here in Highland?," David asked.
>
Tom: [Daria] No more questions about my birth! ... Okay...
I was born to a poor sharecropper family...
>"Yes, I was," Daria replied.
>
Mike: [Daria] Just call me Daria Morgendorffer, of the clan
Morgendorffer.
>"I'm from Long Island, New York originally," David said.
Mike: [David] We moved once we realized how bad the New York
Islanders really were.
> "I used to
>live in Sayville.
Crow: o/~ Sayville, Sayville, Sayville what you want, but don't
play games with Peter Guerin... o/~
> The school district there has one of the worst
>Special Education programs in the state. People like me are often
>neglected, beaten up and punished for things we didn't do."
>
Tom: So, just like any school kid.
Crow: Mike, I'm beginning to detect a subtle theme that
special-ed students might be mistreated.
Mike: Really? I hadn't noticed.
>"So you essentially went from out of the frying pan and into the
>fire?," Daria asked.
>
Mike: Yeah, he brought home the bacon.
Tom: They caught him red-handed.
Crow: His bark is worse than his bite.
Mike: He got it hook, line, and sinker.
Tom: He took the words right out of my mouth.
Crow: He's fit as a fiddle.
>"So to speak," David answered her. "My father got a promotion for the
>company he works for and we moved to Lawndale."
Crow: So, to sum up... Lawndale! The place for promoted daddies!
> Suddenly, Jane saw
>something on the sidewalk.
>
Mike: See a penny, pick it up. All that day, you'll have good luck.
Tom: And with that and a dollar-fifty, you can buy a cup of coffee!
>"Don't look now, Daria," she said, "but I think your 'friends' Beavis
>and Butt-Head are crawling down the sidewalk. It looks like they had
>the tar beaten out of them."
>
Mike: Now Beavis & Butthead not only have a fresh menthol flavor,
they're lower in nicotine.
>Everyone got out of the van and went up to those two.
>
Crow: Everyone follows Daria out of the van, just so the audience
doesn't forget about them.
>"Beavis and Butt-Head," Daria said as she approached them, "what the
>Hell happened to you?"
>
>"Like, that Todd dude beat us up real good," Beavis said.
>
Tom: And they LIKE it? Mike, I'm scared.
>"Yeah, and then he threw us out!," added Butt-Head.
>
Crow: [Butthead] We only called Hank Hill an asssomething...
what IS Todd's problem, anyway?
>"Don't tell me you tried to confront him by yourselves!," Daria said
>in anger.
>
Tom: Why does she care? She hates those two!
>"But Todd is so cool!," shot back Beavis.
>
Tom: And who wouldn't find somebody who beat you up and threw
you out cool?
Crow: Besides, Todd is comfort rated to 25 below.
>"You didn't see Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club, did
>you?," Daria asked them.
>
>"Yeah," Beavis said, "but we didn't tell them that Todd was at the
>Grungy Bull Grill. In fact, we said that to ourselves when Quinn and
>some other chick got into a catfight."
>
>Daria moved her glasses up, shut her eyes, slapped her right hand
>against her face and said,
Tom: D'OH!!!!
Crow: Wrong cartoon.
> "Oh, no!"
>
Tom: Good thing she took so long before speaking. Wouldn't want
her showing off her salty vocabulary here and now.
>"What's the matter, Daria?," Jane asked.
>
Crow: [Daria] I forgot I had a date with Steven Wright tonight!
>"I think they accidentally told them where he was," Daria said.
>
Tom: Notice her saying she "thinks" and not "knows for sure".
Crow: Tsk tsk tsk, Daria.
>"Then we'd better burn rubber and find them!," Mack said.
>
Tom: o/~ Burning Rubber Tires! o/~
Crow: o/~ Hideous control now! o/~
Mike: Huh? What are you talking about?
Crow: Before your time, Nelson. Fuhgeddaboutit.
>"First, we'd better drop those two off at a hospital," Trent said;
>"they look pretty beat up."
>
Tom: They'll regret it in "Mudpie Guppy Nifty Zippy Donor"...
Mike: Well, it has been said that to help an enemy is like heaping
burning coals on his head.
Crow: Yeah, but with these two, I'm not sure they'd get the point
even if they *did* heap the coals on their heads.
>"That's what I like about you, Trent," Daria said; "always putting
>others ahead of yourself."
>
Mike: Odd, I thought she liked his wonderful singing voice.
>"Hey, I'm an easy-going guy," Trent replied.
Tom: And by "easy-going", he means "near-catatonic".
> They took Beavis and
>Butt-Head into the "Tank" and went off to the hospital.
Tom: [Beavis] Heh-heh-heh-heh, wanna score with us now, Daria?
Crow: [Butthead] Huh-huh-huh-huh, yeah, huh-huh-huh, we're weak
and need some First Aid.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Everything had just been served. Sandi was now going to get down to
>business.
>
Mike: It may take another scene or two, but eventually she WILL
get down to business.
>"Anyway, Todd," she began, "like, there's this kid at our school,
Crow: [Todd] Done! Kid at school needs beating. Got it!
Tom: [Sandi] I'm not done yet...
> and
>he's been doing some rabble-rousing.
Crow: He's been writing Trekfic on ASC?
> He's been spreading some
>dangerous talk about equality among students and abolishing special
>privileges enjoyed by popular people like us and guaranteeing rights
>for retarts like him.
Mike: So right away, you can see how dangerous he is.
Tom: [Sandi] I don't understand them. It's like they want a
democracy or something!
> He's this retarded Special Education student who
>just arrived at our school and he's running for Student Government
>President.
Crow: [Sandi] And instead of just cruising through the campaign
with my head held high, I decided to hire thugs and launch
an intimidation campaign against the electorate!
> If, like he's elected, he'd probably call for things like
>admitting retarts like himself into the Honor Society and having
>retarts crowned Homecoming King and Queen,
Tom: And this is different from selecting Kevin and Brittany
every year in what way?
> and stuff like that. He's a
>threat to our comfortable position in our school.
Mike: He wants to ban the comfy chairs!
> Next thing you know,
>the nerds like Daria Morgendorffer and Upchuck are going to demand
>equal rights themselves. This person's got to be stopped."
>
Crow: Equal rights? Who needs them? We'll make our own rights.
Have fun with them.
Tom: The part of Sandi will be played by Lester Maddox.
>"What's the name of this guy, anyway?," Todd asked.
>
Mike: [Todd] Screech? Urkel?
>"Like, his name's David MacAllister," Sandi continued. "He's this guy
>who's got brown curly hair, and he's always wearing collared shirts
>buttoned all the way up and corduroy pants."
>
Crow: We can only hope his growing relationship with Daria will
let him loosen up enough to undo his collar button.
Mike: [Todd] Ah. A type 4 dork. I've got some sprays out in my
van that'll take care of him, and it'll get rid of
silverfish too.
>"Don't worry, little lady," Todd said; "I'll teach him a lesson he'll
>never forget."
>
Tom: Boy, with all the lesson-teaching going on, this is the most
educationalist story we've *ever* read.
>"I don't like the way this conversation's going," Hank butted in.
Mike: [Hank] If this were about the Dallas Cowboys, I might've
been interested, but this "Special Ed" stuff is so dull
and boring.
> "Why
>you little ladies hate this guy so much?"
>
Crow: [Sandi] Like, he greenlit "Freddie Got Fingered."
Tom: [Todd] That bastard!
>"Like, because he's in Special Education, you moron!," Sandi shot
>back.
Tom: Opening up Hank's narrow urethra.
Mike: [Hank] And about this shooting business. Why are you
people continuing to shoot off your responses? Is this
some sort of way to make the impact of the comeback a
lot bigger? Because it's not working.
> "Haven't you been listening?"
>
Crow: What you say!!!
Tom: Someone set up us the bomb...
Mike: Stop that.
>"You're even more loony than my conspiracy-minded friend that I
>know," Hank said.
Crow: Hank knows Art Bell?
> "That's like saying that the United Nations is
>going to send their troops over here."
>
Mike: UN Peacekeeping forces patrol Highland-Lawndale DMZ!
>"And I bet you'd let your daughter marry a nigger!," Todd said.
>
Tom: [disappointed] Oh, Todd. And you were doing *so* well!
Crow: Well, maybe he's being coerced.
Tom: You're right! Pete's probably holding Todd's sainted
mother hostage!
>"I don't have a daughter," Hank said, "but I do have a niece who lives
>with me.
Tom: So, is Hank gonna bring every character from his show into
the conversation?
Crow: Wouldn't be the first time.
> Who she goes out with and/or
Mike: You know somebody's worked up when he throws slashes
into his speech.
> marries isn't too much my
>concern, as long as he's going to hold a steady job.
Mike: [Hank] Ah don't care if he's embezzling funds from
celebrities, so long as it's steady work.
> Heck, I'd
>probably hire him to work for my propane business."
>
Crow: [Hank] Ah'm not about to let that marriage fall apart of
lack of money. She'd have to move back in then.
>"You'd hire a nigger to work for you, you carpetbagger?," Todd said,
>now enraged.
>
Tom: Uh oh... he just called Hank someone OTHER than a
propane salesman.
Crow: BIG no-no!
>"Now, hold on there, sir," Hank said,
Mike: [Hank] I have been working for the propane industry
long since the OPEC crisis, and you went and made a
mockery out of my life! Now take that back!
> "I've been a lifelong loyal son
>of Texas, and I don't like that remark you just made about me being a
>carpetbagger."
>
Tom: [Hank] Looka here - this bag is genuine polyester!
>"I'd bet you'd let your niece marry a retart as well!," Todd said.
>
Crow: That's one of the Masonic Lodge's orders, right?
Mike: [Hank] Are you even listening to my long-winded lectures?
You know, if you didn't look so menacing...
>"Why you people have such a grudge against people who have mental,
>emotional and/or behavioral problems is beyond me!," Hank said.
Tom: [Hank] Course, 8th grade math is pretty much beyond me,
too, but still...
> "In
>fact, I'm disgusted with the sight of all of you! I'm leaving!"
>
Mike: [Hank] Oh, by the way, the steak was great. Thanks for the
offer. Next time I bring my family over here, I'll tell
them to try the steak.
>"Go ahead, you nigger lover and retart lover!," Todd yelled at him as
>he left the door.
>
Crow: Hank! Wait! You forgot your door!
Mike: [Hank] Is that supposed to offend me in some way?
Honestly, people these days have such odd ways of
insulting each other. It makes me wonder if
dad pales in comparison.
>Todd now lost his own appetite. "I'm sorry, ladies, but that moron
>just made my stomach turn!," he said.
Tom: [Todd] Maybe it's the propane-grilled steak...
Mike: So he's a horrible racist, but he's a delicate horrible racist.
> "I'll leave you my phone number,
Mike: KKK-THUG?
Crow: [Todd] Don't forget to dial 10-10-2-20-8675309!
>and you can call me later to wrap up the details."
Tom: Details? You just beat up some guy. Is it really necessary
to extend negotiations into the night?
> He scribbled his
>number on a slip of paper, gave it to Sandi, paid the bill and left.
Mike: Is he getting paid for this? I don't think it would matter
with that money he's burning.
>He had just pulled out of the parking lot when the "Tank" pulled up.
Mike: The Rainbow Coalition's here! About time!
>Quinn saw it.
>
Tom: [Quinn] Oh no, Hank was right! The UN IS sending in the
troops! AAAAH!
>"Oh, no! That's the 'Tank' that geek Trent Lane drives in!," she said.
Crow: Trent's a geek?
Tom: Well, that's better than calling him a "welfare-cheating
hippie" like in "Mucky Nucky Chucky Zucky Ducky!"
>"I bet Daria and her dorky friend Jane are in there as well! We've got
>to beat it, guys!"
>
Crow: [Quinn] Because *no one* wants to be defeated!
>The members of the Fashion Club got up and left through the rear exit.
>Just a split second later, Daria and her friends walked through the
>front door. Daria went up to the bar and saw the manager.
>
Mike: Joe Torre guest stars!
>"Excuse me, Sir," Daria began, "but did you just see several girls
>here along with some guy named Todd?"
>
Tom: [manager] Yep. Todd Rundgren and some groupies just
left.
>The manager, who made a promise to Todd that he'd deny seeing him in
>case the law got on his case again, said, "No, I haven't."
>
Mike: [manager] I haven't seen a redneck get into an argument
with Todd and four ditzes.
Crow: Um, Mr. Manager? Daria isn't deputized.
>"Just thought I'd ask," Daria said. She and the others left.
>
Crow: *Everybody* had to come in so she could ask one
simple question? Are these people all connected at
the hip or something?
Tom: It's an example of Guerin-ism #303, Crow - "Whenever
possible, do everything as a crowd".
Mike: Bet it makes going to the restroom a whole new adventure.
>"Dammit!," Daria said, "I bet you dollars to donuts that Quinn and the
>others were just talking to Todd a minute or so ago."
>
Tom: Dollars to donuts? Daria, don't waste your money like that!
>"So, we're back to square one then," Jane said.
>
Crow: Or "Reading Rainbow". Or maybe even "Sesame Street".
>"Might as well go back home to Lawndale," Daria said resignedly.
Mike: [Daria] Life's not worth living anyway - we may as we well
consign ourselves back to hell on Earth.
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>The "Tank" was going down the Interstate at the speed limit.
Crow: Even shiftless slackers obey the traffic laws.
> Daria and
>the others were kind of downcast.
>
Mike: They heard the news about gas prices going up again.
>"For all I know," Daria said to David, "Quinn and the others have told
>Todd to do something terrible to you."
>
Tom: But she's not too sure? Sheesh, do they need absolute
proof before acting?
>"Well, I just won't let him frighten me!," David replied.
>
Crow: [David] I'll simply fail to react while he whops me on
the head with a bicycle chain.
>Just then, Trent saw a pick-up truck at the side of the road, with the
>sole occupant trying to fix a flat tire.
>
>"Looks like that guy could use some help," Trent said.
>
Mike: [Trent] Wow. I've never seen someone with a hook
for a hand before. Daria, move over so we can
make room for his chainsaw.
>He pulled up next to him, and everyone got out.
>
Tom: Uh, no need for EVERYONE to get out...
Crow: It's a gang car repair!
>"Need any help there, sir?," Trent asked him.
>
>It turned out that the driver was Hank Hill.
>
Tom: [Hank] I wish I wouldn't be in this crummy fanfic.
I don't mean to be offensive, but this is supposed to
be a Daria crossover with Beavis and Butthead, and I
don't see where I have to fit into the equation. Or
why I'm all the way in Highland selling propane and
propane accessories.
>"Well," Hank said, "my right front tire just went flat, and I'm trying
>to fix it. The only thing is, these damn lug nuts are rusted on but
>good. If I only had some WD40 to loosen them up, I'd be in business."
>
Crow: Come on! It's Hank Hill! He probably has a case of it in his
pickup bed!
Mike: Ah, he's just faking it so that he can run into Trent.
>"No sooner said than done," Trent said.
>
Crow: [Trent] By the way, what's a W... D... 50?
>"You know, mister," Daria said, "you sound just like a person I used
>to know back at Highland. I don't know if you ever met him. His name's
>Tom Anderson."
>
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, the reason why Hank Hill was dragged
into this.
>"Never heard of him," Hank said. "I'm called Hank Hill.
Mike: [Hank] Don't know why, my name's Robert Axel.
> I'm a propane
>salesman."
>
Crow: [Hank] At least my show is in a somewhat-stable time slot
and on FOX, not on some so-called Music Television
Network...
>Trent came back with the WD40 and sprayed the lug nuts with it.
>
Tom: Wouldn't oil do the job too?
Mike: Now now, Tom, let's not get into the details of Hank's
pick-up.
>"We'll have to wait a few minutes while the WD40 soaks in," Trent
>said.
>
Crow: He rubs the lotion in his hand...
>"Anyway," Daria continued, "I'm Daria Morgendorffer.
[All sigh.]
Mike: WD40 may be the lubricant of a million uses, but even it
can't head off a Guerin introduction scene.
> The grungy
>looking guy is Trent Lane. That's his sister Jane, those folks back
>there are Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a Mack, Jodie Landon and David
>MacAllister."
>
Crow: [Daria] We travel in a pack for protection from wolves.
Mike: Hey! Where'd Jesse go?
Tom: He's shifted into another dimension - just in case.
>"Nice to meet you all," Hank replied.
>
Tom: [Hank] Now let me give you my business card and explain
all the details of Strickland propane in my usual
long-winded tone.
>Trent then took the lug nut wrench, and proceeded to remove the nuts.
>They came off easy.
>
>"There, now you can remove that tire," Trent said. Hank did just that.
Mike: Or - did he? MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
>He then put on the spare.
>
Crow: He got a 7-10 split. Impressive.
>"I can't thank you young people enough," Hank said. "Is there any way
>I can reply you for your help?"
>
Tom: [Trent] Yeah, man, call our voice mail exchange and leave a
message.
>"Perhaps there is," Daria said. "You didn't happen to be at the Grungy
>Bull Grill in Highland today, were you?"
>
Mike: Their investigative technique - grill total strangers on the
off chance that wild coincidence will work in their favor.
>"As a matter of fact, I was," Hank replied.
>
Crow: On the other hand, if their technique gets results, why
quibble?
Tom: [Hank] Have they recommended me for my services in propane
and propane accessories?
>"Did you happen to see four girls roughly my age along with some guy
>named Todd?"
>
>"I did," Hank said. "One of them, who sounded rather stuck-up,
Tom: Nah, she was just going through her mental-pause.
> was
>telling that Todd guy about this kid who was in Special Education and
>was causing trouble at their school. They wanted him to teach him a
>'lesson'."
>
Tom: [Hank] Personally, I think teaching kids a lesson by
punching them senseless is wrong and stupid. That's why
I high-tailed it out of there.
>"Oh, no!," Daria said, "that's what I was afraid of!"
>
Crow: [Daria] They're going to try and teach about the
Teapot dome scandal! His faith in humanity will be
ruined!
Mike: Daria, what OTHER things could those people have
possibly schemed about? You don't need Hank Hill
telling you the obvious!
>"Then these two snickering juvenile delinquents came in and
>interrupted us," Hank added; "Todd beat them up real good."
>
Crow: Todd was later convicted and given a pat on the back and
a lollipop.
>"That's all we needed to know," Daria said. "Thanks for your help."
>
>"Same here," Hank said, giving his business card. "If you ever need
>propane, give me a call.
Crow: [Daria] Hey, wait! You said "Hill Propane" - this says
"Strickland Propane!"
Mike: [Hank] Well, I can't just throw the old cards out - that
would be wasteful!
> Have a nice day." He got into his truck and
>drove off.
>
Crow: [Hank] By the way, what state AM I in?
>"Guys, this situation has now become a matter of life or death," Daria
>said.
>
Tom: [Daria] If we don't do something, we'll be helping out the
cast of Road Rules next!
>"I can handle this guy," David said.
>
Mike: It took five minutes for the others to stop laughing.
Tom: Um, David, there's a fine line between being brave and
just acting like "The Crocodile Hunter".
>"David, you don't know what you're getting into," Daria warned him.
>"Todd's a hardened criminal. He'd kill for hire if he has to. Don't
>risk becoming a martyr over this. Let's call the police."
>
Mike: No, they'll just shoot Mack and say they thought he was armed.
>"I've got a better idea," David said.
Crow: [David] Let's all move to another state and assume new
identities.
Mike: [Daria] Now you're talking. How does the name "Janeane
Farogalo" strike you?
> "We can contact the Federal
>Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights and tell them about
>this.
[All laugh.]
Tom: Forget the cops - we need unarmed, bureaucratic weenies!
> If we get them involved, they can crack down on Lawndale High
>for trying to stop me from running."
>
Crow: Maybe they'll send in Joe Clark.
Tom: They'll probably bring Jim Belushi in instead.
>"Things like this could drag out in court for years," Daria said, "and
>I should know, since my mother's a lawyer."
>
>"Daria," David said, "are you afraid to face Todd?"
>
Tom: [Daria] Who's afraid of a sissy old figure skater?
Mike: Wrong Todd, Tom. That's Todd Eldridge.
>Suddenly, like a bad nightmare, it came back to Daria.
Crow: She just realized it's been six months since MTV showed any
new episodes!
> An image of
>someone taking her off the street by force. Being in a dark, cramped
>closet.
Mike: She was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army?
> Some hands grabbing her and doing unspeakable things to her.
Crow: Like tying her to a chair and forcing her to watch 24-hours
of non-stop Pauly Shore films!
Tom: Oh no!
>Daria suddenly gasped.
>
>"No, I am not!," she shot back, too quickly.
>
Mike: If she'd only take the time to aim, she'd still be done
quicker!
>"Daria," Jane asked her, "what's wrong!"
>
Tom: [Daria] This fanfic! Whoops! Got out of character there.
>"NOTHING!," Daria now yelled; she was clearly becoming panicked.
>
Crow: She was trying to make a sandwich?
Mike: Crow, sometimes I don't get you.
>"Daria, we're you're friends," Mack said.
Tom: Well, some of them are. Others are just supporting
characters.
> "Tell us, what's wrong!"
>
Tom: [sobbing] Mike, why does he want to hurt us so much?
Mike: He just doesn't know any better, honey.
>*"I don't want to talk about it!," Daria said, now hysterically upset.
>
Tom: AAAH! Asterisk! Peter Guerin's gonna interrupt the line to
babble on! NOOO!
Mike: Calm down, Tom. Calm down.
Tom: [panting] Mike, make him stop! He's turning an innocent
show into a warmed-over 90210 reject!
>Suddenly, those hands leapt out of nowhere.
Mike: And today in Lawndale, expect a 45% chance of flying,
disembodied hands.
Crow: Hey, it's the crawling hand!
> "NO KEEP AWAY FROM ME!,"
>she screamed. She ran away.
>
Tom: Daria has a severely phobic reaction to "Addams Family"
reruns.
Crow: She has a mental episode! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~
>"Daria!," everyone now yelled as they ran after her.
Tom: [Mack] Hey, she's trying to escape the fanfic! STOP HER!
> Daria then
>tripped and fell to the ground. She was beginning to cry.
>
Crow: [Daria, sobbing noises interspersed] Sailor Moon -
Monks - Militias - Beavis and Butthead - I can't take any
more of this!!!
>"Daria," Jane said as she knelt next to her, embraced her, and patted
>her on the back, "it's OK.
Crow: There, there, Daria. We know what it's like to be thrown
into a situation forced against our will... don't we, guys?
Mike and Tom: [bitterly] We know.
> We're your friends.
Tom: [Jane] And we'll hardly ever ridicule you about it or use
it for blackmail purposes. Really!
> You can tell us."
>
>"Yeah," Trent added, "we're right here for you, Daria."
>
Mike: [Trent] In the car... driving off... far away...
>"It was when I was seven years old," Daria began.
Crow: She's recalling her first swirlie?
> "I was playing at
>the park when someone got out of a car and abducted me. I spent a
>whole week at his house. Starting with my first night. . ."
>
Crow: [Daria] We started playing house and he always kept on
screwing up the dish load! The nerve!
>"What? What?," Jane asked her.
>
>Daria was trying to muster up all her courage.
>
Tom: That's right. Contain it in a big ball of hate and squish
someone with it at the appropriate time...
>"He, he. . .he sexually abused me!," Daria now confessed, and cried a
>torrent of tears.
>
Mike: This reminds me of that Loony Tunes episode where it's
revealed that Daffy was the only survivor after the
Mongols slaughtered his entire village.
Crow: I don't remember that one.
Mike: Well, they don't show it much anymore.
>"Was it Todd?," Trent asked her.
>
Mike: [Daria] No, it was David Brinkley. OF COURSE it was Todd,
you brain-dead slacking machine!
>"Yes it was," Daria said. "The police eventually rescued me
Tom: You know, saying "police" and "eventually" is sort of
redundant in the Guerinverse.
> and
>arrested him. However, at the trial, he got off due to a technicality.
Crow: Eventually, Daria mentioned the incident to Tony Soprano.
Todd was found with a 9mm brain hemorrhage. Of course, she
mentioned it a season or two after we learned about it, but
we don't mind waiting a year and a half between seasons, do
we?!? [mumbled] Blasted HBO.
>It so damaged the case that the DA's office didn't even bother to try
>to appeal it.
Tom: Sam Waterston was still too depressed over losing Angie Harmon
to even give it a try.
> There's a restraining order against him, but I'm afraid
>of him. That's one of the other reasons why we moved to Lawndale."
Mike: Wow, what concerned parents. It took them eight years to
move their daughter to safety.
>"There, there now, Daria," Jane said, "it's OK. We're here for you!"
>
Crow: [Jane] If we see Todd, we'll kick his crotch for you,
okay?
>"Daria, I didn't know that about you," David said to her.
>
Tom: [David] I've known you three whole days, Daria - when
are you finally gonna reveal all your deepest, darkest
secrets to me?!?
>He went up to her and embraced her.
>
Mike: Sparking a flashback to the incident itself, traumatizing
Daria even further.
>"I turned to you for help, and now it seems that you need some of it
>yourself," David said to her.
>
Crow: [David] Here, have some Ritalin.
>"I guess there's a soft spot in my otherwise hardened exterior after
>all," Daria said.
Tom: Guerin-ism #529: Yes, have Daria admit that she's a real
softie inside. And not just once...
> She was beginning to dry her eyes.
Crow: [Daria] Could I borrow your blow-dryer, Jane?
> "I guess one of
>the reasons why I dress rather drabily is so that guys won't find me
>attractive and rape me."
>
[Groans all around.]
Tom: So she really *wants* to dress like Mariah Carey, but
she's too scared to? Is *anyone* buying this?!?
Crow: Gee, and I thought it was because she's not a slave to
fashion. Or she's anti-social just because she's
surrounded by idiots! There has to be a "real" reason
behind her behavior!
Mike: Folks, we'd like to apologize to pretty much everyone
on this one.
>"Then how do you explain the time you dressed up as Quinn when she got
>that good mark on her English essay?," Jane asked her.
>
Mike: Blast! Actual continuity shoots down the theory.
Crow: [Daria] Oh, that was my evil twin who did that.
>"Temporary insanity," Daria shot back.
>
Mike: So what excuse does the writer have?
>"C'mon," Jodie said, "we've got to get back to Lawndale and find out
>what exactly the Fashion Club has up their sleeves!"
>
Crow: Their arms.
Tom: Well, with styles today...
Crow: Yeah.
>Daria got up, with Jane and David helping her. They got back to the
>"Tank" and drove back to Lawndale.
Mike: Crushing any sports cars they found along the way.
[Mike picks up Tom and the trio exits the theater.]
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