MiSTing: FanTick

[Joe Barlow]

[NOTE FROM JOE: I got a piece of e-mail recently from someone named
Jenny Erdahl. She apparently read my Star Wars MiSTing and liked it
so much that she wanted me to MiST some of her short stories. At
least, I *think* that's what she wanted me to do... the e-mail was so
poorly written that I had difficulty understanding it. After
re-reading it a couple of times, I concluded that her note, which was
called "Fantick" for some unknown reason, would make perfect 'bot
fodder. Jenny, if you're reading, this is just intended as good fun.
:) FYI: The Empire and Jedi MiSTings are forthcoming, I promise.]

----
"Fantick" by Jenny Erdahl
MiSTed by "Average Joe" Barlow

[Opening theme and doorway sequence, which takes us to the Satellite
of Love. Crow and Gypsy are center-screen, having a discussion.
They're both very insistent while speaking to each other.]

CROW: I'm sorry, Gypsy, but you're wrong. A relationship where a man
and a woman claim to be "just friends" is a lie.
GYPSY: You're wrong, Crow.
CROW: [rolls his eyes] No I'm not! Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan
proved it: men and women can't be friends without romantic
interest eventually creeping in!

[Mike Nelson walks into the shot, from stage right. Crow and Gypsy
continue to argue in the background, though we can't make out what
they're saying. Mike gives a cheerful "hi-ho" wave.]

MIKE: Hi everyone, Mike Nelson here. The bots and I just got through

watching another of Dr. Forrester's evil experiments, a film
called "When Harry Met Sally". If you haven't seen it...

[Tom Servo pops up beside Mike.]

TOM: ...then consider yourself lucky!
MIKE: Oh, hi Tom. Have you recovered from the movie?
TOM: Oh sure, nothing to it. You forget: I'm the wind, baby!
MIKE: [confused] Ummm... yeah. Anyway, I was just telling everyone
that Crow and Gypsy have become totally infatuated by the idea
of whether men and women can remain "just friends" over a long
period of time.
TOM: Oh, sure. Why, just think of the boy and girl in "Escape To
Witch Mountain"...
MIKE: Actually, they were brother and sister.
TOM: Oh. Well, how about John Ritter's character in "Sling Blade"?
His best friend was a woman.
MIKE: Nope. John Ritter played a gay guy in that movie.
TOM: Ah yes. Ummm... Huh. I guess you're right, Mike. Men and
women can't be "just friends".
MIKE: That's Nelson's law, buddy. Let's see how Crow and Gypsy are
doing.

[Cambot zooms in on Crow and Gypsy. Gypsy is getting slightly fed-up
with Crow.]

GYPSY: Remember, Harry and Sally's relationship was a Hollywood movie.

HOLLYWOOD, Crow... I assume you've heard of it? It's the same
town that brought you "Batman and Robin", "The Craft", and
"Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo".
CROW: [slyly] *And* Richard Basehart.
GYPSY: [dreamily] Ooooo.... [Suddenly Gypsy's annoyance with Crow
vanishes.] You're right, Crow. I'm sorry I argued with you...
and I'm glad you're my friend.
CROW: Just your friend, Gypsy? 'Cause you know, [psychic voice] I'd
really like to take our relationship to a whole new level.
GYPSY: Three words, little man: "Like a brother"! [She exits, screen
left.]
CROW: [looks confused for a moment, then calls after her] Does this
mean I'll be sleeping alone tonight?

[Mike walks on-screen and stands beside Crow. The commercial-sign
light starts flashing.]

MIKE: We'll be right back.
CROW: [still looking after Gypsy] Gypsy? Snuggykins?

[Mike hits the button. We see the obligatory commercials for
"Contact" and "Psychic Friends Network", after which we return to the
SoL.]

TOM: Oh, I just thought of something, Mike. Superman and Wonder
Woman were just friends in all the comics I ever read!
MIKE: Sorry, Tom. Comic book characters are outside the scope of
Nelson's Law.
CROW: Anyway, just because they didn't show it doesn't mean it didn't
happen. Just imagine all the super-passion and super-loving
that must've gone on between those super-heroes. Super-kisses
and super hickeys...
TOM: You're super-stupid.
CROW: You're just jealous that you don't have my comic book insight.
TOM: They're called GRAPHIC NOVELS, Crow!

[The Mads' light begins to flash.]

MIKE: Quiet, everyone! Peaches and Herb are calling. [He hits the
button.]

[Deep 13]

[Dr. Forrester is standing in front of an operating table, which is
covered by a large sheet. Frank is nowhere to be seen.]

DR. F: Ah, hello Mikey-poo. And how are we today? [with no pause
whatsoever] So glad to hear it. Now then, before Frank and I
kick your pathetic little tush in the invention exchange, I
have an announcement to make. I'm not sending you another film
right now. I think "When Harry Met Sally" did enough
psychological damage to you for one day. It'll take me weeks
to analyze all the data I recorded! Instead, I'm going to send
you an inane piece of e-mail called "Fantick", straight from
the keyboard of Jenny Erdahl. It's extremely short, but I have
no doubt that you'll kneel before me after reading it. [He
laughs evilly.] But before I break your crumbling will, let's
do the invention exchange.

[SoL]

CROW: You're sending us a piece of *e-mail*?
TOM: Wonder if it'll teach us how to $MAKE $MONEY FA$T...
MIKE Sssh, guys. Anyway, Dr. Forrester, our invention is for all
those times when you're wondering what to get the person who has
everything.

[Mike pulls an elaborately wrapped box from beneath the counter.]

TOM: If a person has everything, then by the very definition of the
word, they *don't* have *nothing*. And that's what we've
invented!

[Mike opens the box, which is empty.]

CROW: Each "Box of Nothing" is individually numbered, and comes with a
framed Certificate of Authenticity. Never again will you have
to wonder what to give someone who's got it all!
TOM: Just give them... nothing!
MIKE: Whaddya think, sirs?

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Well, as usual, my invention pounds yours into the dirt. Tell
me, Mayor McCheese, how many times has this happened to you:
you're sitting at home, engrossed in an episode of "Baywatch"
or "Family Matters", when there's a knock on your door... and
you don't hear it because you're totally involved in the
television program?

[SoL]

MIKE: Umm.. well, not too often. See, we're in space, and people
don't usually knock on the door up here.

[Deep 13]

DR. F: Yes, it happens to me a lot, too. Well, more often than not
it's the mailman with an important package! I've discovered
that the old saying "The postman always rings twice" just isn't
true, and I decided to do something about it!

[Dr. F whips the sheet off the operating table in an overly grand
gesture. He pulls too hard, loses his balance, and tumbles to the
floor. Lying on the table is Frank, with a mass of wires and circuits
protruding from his hair. Dr. F stumbles back to his feet.]

DR. F: Say hello to the Electric Postman! [He pulls a remote control
from his pocket and presses a button. Frank's body shudders
violently, and he hops off the table.]

FRANK: [mechanical voice] Must... ring... doorbell! Must... ring...
doorbell!

DR. F: Let me demonstrate the usefulness of this little creation. [He

pushes another button, and Frank wanders off-screen.] Now,
let's suppose that I have an important package coming. The
Electric Postman would ring the bell to get my attention... [as
if on cue, we hear the doorbell ring]. Now, if I don't answer
after one ring, the Electric Postman should ring twice! [A few
seconds later, the doorbell sound is heard again. Dr. F is
clearly delighted.] YES! It works! It works! The postman
really does ring twice! [He begins to do a little victory
dance. After about two seconds of this, the doorbell rings a
third time. He stops his dance immediately.] What the...?
That's not supposed to happen! [He stabs a couple of buttons
on the remote control, and the sound stops.] Odd! I'll have
to look at that later. Anyway, it's time for the experiment,
so... [The doorbell sounds again].

FRANK: [off-screen, muffled]: Must... ring... doorbell! Must...
ring... DOORBELL! DOORBELL! DOORBELL! RING! RING! RING!
[the doorbell sound grows longer and more insistent. Dr. F
looks bewildered, and a tad frightened.]

DR. F: [shouting to be heard over the racket of the doorbell and
Frank's screaming] Anyway, Mike, get ready to suffer!

FRANK [off-screen]: THE DOORBELL GOES RING! RING, DOORBELL! RING!
RING! MUST RING DOORBELL!

[Dr. F puts his hand to his mouth, as if to say "What have I done?"]

[SoL]

CROW: Do you suppose Chuck Berry had this in mind when he wrote "My
Ding-a-Ling?"

[Before anyone can reply, lights flash and sirens blare.]

ALL: Aaaah! We got e-mail sign!

[Mike hits the button. Doorway sequence. Mike and the Bots enter the

theater; however, instead of a movie screen, they find themselves in
front of an enormous computer monitor.]

TOM: An e-mail message, huh? And a short one at that? How bad could

this possibly be?
CROW: Ssh! Words are starting to appear on the screen!

>Hi, Are you sick of wating on that dibs list for a storry to mist to?

[Mike and the Bots scream in utter terror.]
TOM: My God, this is worse than I could have possibly imagined! [He
begins to weep.]
MIKE: There there, buddy. We can get through this! I mean, just
because the author doesn't appear to have any grasp on
punctuation... or spelling... or grammar... or... [Mike's own
voice begins to falter, and he is unable to continue.]
CROW: I'll finish for you, Mike: Or coherence.
MIKE: [sniffling]: Thank you.

>Are you sick of getiing hate mail from people you have mited there horrible
>stoorrie?

CROW: [impressed] Wow, this thing riffs itself, doesn't it?
MIKE: So, what's a "stoorrie"?
TOM: I think it's Scottish for "store".
MIKE: [Groundskeeper Willie voice] Agh! I left mah brain on the
seat! Wait here, please...

>Well Come mist my fanict writing.

TOM: I'd be honored to mist your writing. Let me get a hose.

>Let me frist start at the beging.

CROW: Where else could she start?
MIKE: I'd just like to point out that over half the words in Jenny's
previous sentence were spelled correctly.
TOM: Yeah, and it had a period and everything!

> I have decide to become a Fanitc writier. Why? Well 1. My grammer
>and spelling suck so I have what takes to become one.

CROW: So if you write complete, coherent sentences you're
overqualified to be a writer?
MIKE: That would explain the popularity of Piers Anthony.
TOM: Zing!

>2.I think I can write cirles around those other fantics.

MIKE: Would either of you like to riff that line?
CROW: Nope... not much point, is there?

>3. I want see what like to be on the dark side.

TOM: [Vader voice] Luke... join me...

>So I decide to write a few my favorte people who have misted stuff in past
>or people on the dibbs list to ask them to mist my storys. Mainly Because I
>want misted and I have no clue where else to post them.

CROW: [sarcastic] Oh, I have some suggestions on where you can put
your stories, Jenny.
[Mike nudges Crow.]
CROW: Sorry.

>So what is in this for you?

TOM: [game show voice] A new car!
[Mike and Crow make applause/cheering noises.]

>1. You don't have wait or give up your spot on the dibs list.

TOM: I don't have wait. Crow, you have wait?
CROW: I no have wait either.
MIKE: You suppose Tarzan was her editor?

>2. I wont send any hate mail about what you done to my work or sue you.

TOM: Because I can't figure out how to work AOL's e-mail program.

>3. you get what you always get when you mist to a fantick.

MIKE: A nauseous feeling?

>If you are intresting write me back

CROW: Well, *I'm* pretty interesting...

>and I'll tell you about my stroy that you can mist to.

MIKE: It could be fun to MiST Jenny's stories, don't you think? [He
stands up to leave.]
CROW: [as they're leaving] Sure... by stuffing them into a
humidifier.

[Mike and the bots exit the theater. Doorway sequence.]

[SoL]

TOM: Well, that was an experience wasn't it?
CROW: That's probably the kindest word you could use.
TOM: Where did that poor girl learn how to type? Or an even better
question: *Why* did that poor girl learn how to type?
MIKE: Well, Tom, typing is pretty difficult to learn. After all,
there are twenty-six letters on the keyboard. Give her some
time.

[Lights flash and sirens blare.]

MIKE: Hey, someone's calling on the Hexfield! [He hits the button
and the Hexfield opens. Sitting inside is a young woman at a
computer terminal.]
JENNY: Helo Tom and Corw! I thout I wood drop buy and say good dya!
CROW: Hey, look! It's Jenny Erdahl, the author of today's e-mail!
TOM: Wow! So Jenny, what are you up to?
JENNY: Wel I am wroking on some new ficton and am loooking for somebod
to mist it. Woudl you like to do it for me pleas.
MIKE: Uh... well, we'd love to Jenny, but you know how it is. There
are... umm... union rules and stuff like that.
TOM: Er... right. Contractual obligations prevent us from MiSTing
any of your work. [quietly, to Mike] Good thinking.
MIKE: Though I'm *sure* your stories are wonderful.
CROW: Yeah... keep plugging away there! And hey... I think we know a

fellow who'd LOVE to see your work. [slyly] Right, Mike?
MIKE: [catching on] Right, Crow. Here, let me introduce you to him,
Jenny.
JENNY: [excited] Oh that wolud be grate I want to met this preson!
MIKE: Oh, Doctor Forrester... [Mike hits the button.]

[Deep 13]

[The doorbell noises and Frank's screaming have grown even louder, and

Dr. F has his ears covered with his hands. He mouths something at the

camera, though we can't make out what he says over the wall of sound.]

FRANK [off-camera, screaming]: LISTEN TO THE RING RING RING RING RING
OF THE DOORBELL! HEHEHEHE! RING RING RING RING RING... [the
doorbell rings every time Frank says the word.]

[Dr. F pleads to the camera, but none of his words come through.
Frank continues to get louder and louder; finally Dr. F can take it no
more. Throwing one final "drop dead" look at the camera, he pushes
the button. Fade to black and roll end credits.]

STINGER:
>I think I can write cirles around those other fantics.

-----
"Average Joe" Barlow (jba...@ipass.net)
Visit my average web page at: http://www.ipass.net/~jbarlow
Writer/musician and founder of Europa Records
"This is the sun. Your call is very important to us..."
-Mike Nelson, Mystery Science Theater 3000
"It's too easy to make fun of nuns."
-Gina Frese