MiSTed - FREE 1yr MagazineSub sent worldwide (1/4)
Bill Livingston
This post has been altered from it's original form. Duh!
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Opening Theme, etc
O <2> |3| {4} [5] (6)
[SOL - Crow is standing alone. His eyes, usually ping-pong balls, are now
tennis balls, and he's shuddering slightly. Littered around him are
literally dozens of empty coffee cans. Servo enters]
SERVO: Hi, Crow.
CROW: [jumping] YAAAAHHHHH!!!!
SERVO: Geez, Crow, what's your deal?
CROW: [jittery] I'm seeing how long I can stay awake on nothing but black
coffee!
SERVO: Why?
CROW: O-o-o-o-o-o-ohh, just somethin' to do!
SERVO: Oh. How's it going?
CROW: Well, so far so good. I kind of already drank all the coffee at once,
just to get it out of the way.
SERVO: And?
CROW: [giggling mamiacally] I'm starting to think I should have, you know,
paced myself!!!
GYPSY: [comes in behind Crow) Hi, guys
CROW: [jumping higher] YAAAAHHHHH!!!!
GYPSY: Oh my!
SERVO: Sleep deprivation.
GYPSY: How long has it been?
CROW: [shaking violently now] I'd s-s-s-s-say, abuh-buh-bout thuh-three,
fu-four hours now!
MIKE: [walks in, and puts hand on Crow's shoulder] Hey there...
CROW: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! [jumps completely up & off screen]
MIKE: Crow!
SERVO: He's a little tense.
MIKE: And I even used gentle pressure (tm)!
GYPSY: Crow?
MIKE: Little Buddy?
CROW: [from ceiling] Zzzz-z-z-z!!!! Zzzzz-z-z-z!!!
GYPSY: The caffeine all wore off at once.
SERVO: [Light flashes] Ah, Mike, Too-Much-Coffee-Man on line one.
[DEEP 13 - Forrester is standing next to a computer which is connected to a
box with all kinds of winky-blinky lights]
DR. F: Ah, hello, Nelsoneers. I have an extraordinary invention today, one I
think you will find particularly interesting. But I'm willing to let you
go first - that is, if you actually have an invention, heh heh heh heh!
[SOL - Mike is trying to retrieve Crow from the ceiling]
MIKE: Yeah, we have one.
[D13]
DR. F: [looking vaguely surprised] Well - that's good, boobie. Go ahead,
then, go on!
[SOL - Crow is back on the floor good as new. Mike & the bots are standing
next to what looks like pieces of different computers stuck randomly
together, all painted bubble-gum pink with big white polka dots]
MIKE: Feel better?
CROW: [Yawns] I'm so sleepy, I can barely keep awake!
SERVO: Pull it together, man!
MIKE: Well, anyway, we decided to try resolve one of the main causes of the
festering flame-wars that spring up occasionally in the newgroups - OS
bigotry.
CROW: Yeah. despite the obvious superiority of PC's...
SERVO: *AHEM!!*
CROW: Oh, all right - despite the *supposed* superiority of PC's, some
people still cling to the use of other operating systems.
SERVO: It's just that *some* of us actually *like* to be able to rely on our
machines!
CROW: Why I oughtta -
MIKE: [pushes between the two] AS you can see, it's a really big problem. So
in order to solve it, we've developed this [points to device]
ALL: *The WinMacSun Nexmiga!* (r)
MIKE: The computing system that combines the worst aspects of all the
others, thereby giving everyone else something to feel superior to.
SERVO: Right. For example, like a typical Windows-based PC, it crashes at
random intervals for no apparent reason.
CROW: And, like a typical *Mac*, not only is it annoyingly condescending
towards the user, its code is practically inaccessable.
MIKE: Which doesn't matter, because the operating system is aggressively
user unfriendly, just like on a Unix machine
CROW: It also comes complete with the Commodore Amiga's reputation, deserved
or not, for being just a glorified toy
SERVO: But that's OK, because as with a NeXT station, you can't get
software.
MIKE: We're also devloping Linux scorn and OS/2 confusion modules.
CROW: WinMacSun Nexmiga (r)! No matter what you're using -
SERVO: This is worse.
MIKE: Whattaya think?
[D13]
DR. F: Cute Trick, Wozniak! Now, on to the diabolical meat of my device.
Unlike you and your simpering little robotic chums, I happn to think
flame wars are the spice of life. So in order to encourage them, I've
developed this little device, which I like to call "The Trollmeister".
Observe. [begins typing furiously on the keyboard, then hits "Return"
with a flourish] By accessing one of those "anonymous" posting services,
I have been able to simultaneously send specifically tailored "Troll"
messages to every single newsgroup in existance. Now I get to sit back
and watch the fun, nyuh-huh-huh!
[SOL - Mike & the bots are gathered around a "normal" terminal]
SERVO: You think it worked?
MIKE: Let's check a couple of groups.
CROW: Start there - alt.tv.beakmans-world
MIKE: Okay [types] Ah, the latest post says "Beakman sux: Bill Nye roolz:
get a life"
SERVO: Not very powerful is it?
MIKE: Well, let's check alt.fan.bill-nye and see if there's - yep!
CROW: What's it say?
MIKE: It says, "Nye sux: Beakman roolz: get a life"
SERVO: And look there in rec.arts.tv.british - "British TV sux: American TV
roolz: get a life"
CROW: And in comp.databses - "dBase sux: Oracle roolz; get a life"
MIKE: Even in alt.sysadmin.recovery - "Sysadmins sux; Users roolz: get -"
Y'know, this doesn't really seem to be very creative!
[D13]
DR.F: Well, it's still a work in progress. Still, it's a pretty effective
firestarter, eh. *And* one that lets me dodge the direct line of fire.
[SOL]
MIKE: I don't know, Dr.F, I don't think you connected with that anonymous
mailer, either.
[D13]
DR.F: What are you talking about?
[SOL]
MIKE: Well, an *anonymous* return address should be from Finland or
something, but all these messages are marked "From: m...@deep13.org
(Clayton Forrester)".
[D13 - Dr.F checks his screen]
DR.F: Oh, uh, well, merely another minor bug to work on. But never mind that
now! Your experiment today is a little sweetmeat straight from the late,
lamented RATM, and it's an exercise in advertising that includes a rather
longish list of magazines - and I don't mean Publisher's Clearinghouse!
[SOL]
CROW: Oh, great, another spam-fest!
MIKE: Steady, guys, we beat it before, we can beat it again
[D13 ]
DR.F: You just keep thinking that, my little Pollyannas. [The terminal
announces "You Have Mail"] Now if you'll excuse me, I've sot some
correspondence to handle. Let's see. "You have -" stops, swallows big
time] Uh, "You have 9,421 new messages"! [Taps keyboard] Oh, my goodness!
Mr.Beakman, such, such language!
[SOL]
SERVO: I don't understand this one - "X-Men sux: llamas roolz"?
[lights flash]
ALL: OH NO, IT'S USENET SIGN!!!!
(6) [5] {4} |3| <2> O
[Mike & the bots enter the theater]
CROW: I think we surprised Forrester by having an invention!
MIKE: Good thing I remembered the Boy Scouts' motto.
SERVO: "Get this freakin' bear outta my tent"?
MIKE: "Be prepared"
SERVO: Oh. Well, whatever.
>Path:
>news.msfc.nasa.gov!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!howland.reston.ans.net!agate!
>tcsi.tcs.com!uunet!in1.uu.net!news.claremont.edu!paris.ics.uci.edu!ucivax!g
>ateway
CROW: Hey, Chris Claremont wrote this! I'm gonna get him to autograph it at
the next con!
SERVO: Can humans and mutants learn to live together in one newsgroup?
>From: Iov...@aol.com
MIKE: Looks like someone has a pretty high opinion of themselves
>Subject: ++>FREE 1yr MagazineSub sent worldwide-314 Popular USA Titles
>Message-ID: <9506090013...@aol.com>
SERVO: Secret-ID: Clark Kent, a mild-mannered reporter
>Newsgroups: alt.fan.madonna,alt.fan.mst3k,alt.privacy,alt.prose
CROW: Is there supposed to be some connection here?
SERVO: Maybe someone wrote a prose piece about how Madonna went into space
and watched cheesy movies in order to preserve her privacy.
>Lines: 1249
SERVO: When you get a 1249-line posting on *magazine subscriptions*, you
know it's gonna be a long, long day, guys!
>Date: 9 Jun 95 05:21:46 GMT
>Xref: news.msfc.nasa.gov alt.fan.madonna:11485 rec.arts.tv.mst3k:50443
>alt.privacy:17663 alt.prose:2953
MIKE: Falcons 37, Eagles 14
CROW: Orioles 5, Yankees 0
SERVO: 25 or 6 to 4
>Status: N
>
>
>---------------------
CROW: And now, the virtual equivalent of modular cubicle walls
>Forwarded message:
>Subj: ++>FREE 1yr MagazineSub sent worldwide-314 Popular USA Titles
>Date: 95-06-08 23:58:25 EDT
>From: Iovely1
MIKE: Scam: Big Time!
>
>To: comp.socie...@paris.ics.uci.edu
SERVO: In the future, everyone will comp society for 15 minutes
>To: universe....@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: bit.listse...@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: rabbit.c...@paris.ics.uci.edu
MIKE: Glenn Close, no!
SERVO: [as Lenny] Tell me about the rabbits, George
>To: resif.in...@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: alt.sports.basketb...@paris.ics.uci.edu
SERVO: Big deal!
CROW: Hah! You're still sore 'cause you lost 3 bags of ramchips bettin' on
Orlando!
SERVO: [mumbling] russin frussin SHAQ mussin nussin CHOKE wussin...
>To: bionet.molb...@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: uiuc.n...@paris.ics.uci.edu
MIKE: This is is either very gutsy or very idiotic: they're sending spam to
the people who actually developed Mosaic
CROW: I vote for idiotic
>
>
>---------------------
SERVO: She's Flatlining! Medic, CPR, Stat!
>Forwarded message:
>Subj: ++>FREE 1yr MagazineSub sent worldwide-314 Popular USA Titles
>Date: 95-06-08 23:37:57 EDT
>From: Iovely1
CROW: Oh, wow, man, deja vu all over again!
SERVO: Tonight, on "It's the Mind," we examine deja vu, the phenomenon of
feeling that you've done something before
>
>To: bionet.met...@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: sfnet.harra...@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: uk....@paris.ics.uci.edu
MIKE: [British accent] I thay, old thportth
>To: uk.m...@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: uk....@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: uk....@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: pdx....@paris.ics.uci.edu
>To: pdx.o...@paris.ics.uci.edu
MIKE: Ah, to forget Paris...
SERVO: What precisely *is* "UCI"?
MIKE: Well, it's a school somewhere - maybe it's the University of Crooked
Indiviuals
CROW: Or the Utah Cooking Institute
SERVO: Or the Updyke College of Irritation
>
>CHEAPEST USA MAG SUB AGENCY - SHIPS WORLDWIDE + FREE 1yrSUB
ALL: LOUDER PLEASE, WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!
>
>Hi, my name is Susan Loring
ALL: *Hi, Susan!*
> and I recently started using a magazine
>subscription club in the USA that has a
CROW: Personal hygiene problem
> FREE 1 yr. magazine subscription deal
>with your first paid order - and I have been very pleased with them.
MIKE: She was so pleased, she bought the company
> They
>have over 1,500 different USA titles that they can ship to any country on a
>subscription basis.
SERVO: I bet they can't ship to *any* country
MIKE: Hi, Mr Hussein, your subscription to "Penthouse" just arrived.
SERVO: [in vaguely mideastern accent] Oh, goody, just in time for the "Girls
of the Poison Gas Factory" special!
> They saved me a lot of money on my Economist
>subscription:
MIKE: Are we supposed to believe that anyone who'd fall for this would even
*know* what "The Economist" is, much less read it?
> over $40 off the best subscription price on I had seen
>anywhere else and they got me a great deal on USA Today newspaper,
SERVO: "McPaper"
CROW: Survey shows: More Americans want more surveys!
> which
>arrives the same day as the cover date. (I still don't know how they manage
>to do that!)
CROW: It's a newspaper, it's *supposed* to arrive on the cover date!
>
>They will send you some FREE info via E-mail (the short version(around 40K)
CROW: As opposed to the non-free E-Mail
SERVO: Y'know, I can forsee the day in the future when some ingenious idiot
will invent COD E-mail
MIKE: Shh-h-h!! Someone at the post office will hear you!
>of their catalogue, or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION (around
>400K-big and juicey) !)
ALL: EEYW-W-W-W!!!!
> ...if you fill out the form below.
>
>Please do not email me as I am just a happy customer and a *busy* student.
MIKE: And a future Stepford Wife
>I don't have time to even complete my thesis in time, let alone run my
>part-time software business!
SERVO: The rest of the time it's a Yugo Dealership
CROW: So she doesn't have time to do her thesis, or run a part-time
business, but she *does* have time to post a 1250-line magazine thingy.
MIKE: Well, it's like they said in "Generations"; if you care about
something enough, you'll *make* time for it.
> Email them directly at:
> jul...@freenet.fsu.edu
MIKE: fsu?
CROW: Gesundheit
>
>
>*------------cut here-----------------------------------------------*
[All make cutting sounds - scissors, handsaws, chainsaws, etc]
>REQUEST FOR MORE INFO: please copy this section *only* and email to:
> jul...@freenet.fsu.edu
SERVO: [singing] If I leave here tomorrow...
CROW: Huh?
SERVO: It's "Freenet", y'see, and - never mind!
>
>(sorry, but they cannot acknowledge incomplete forms sent back)
MIKE: Gee, too bad there, fellas!
>
>Name:
>Internet email address:
>Smail home address:
>City-State-Zip:
>Country:
>Work Tel. #:
>Work Fax #:
>Home Tel. #:
>Home Fax #:
CROW: And if you want to include your social security & credit card numbers
as well, that'd be dandy!
>Name of USA mags you currently get:
>Name of USA mags you would like price quotes on when we call you:
SERVO: Why are they interested in hubcaps?
>Do you want the short (~40K) or long version (~400K) of our
>catalogue emailed to you?:
ALL: NO!
>How did you hear about us (name of person who referred you or the area of
>the internet that you saw us mentioned in): Susan Loring
CROW: I smell comissions on the line here, people!
>060995 par
MIKE: Geez, that must be some monster hole!
SERVO: Tee off in California, putt in Vermont!
>*------------cut here-----------------------------------------------*
[More sounds of destruction]
>
>
MIKE: And now, a pause for station identification
>They guarantee to beat all their competitors' prices. Sometimes they are
>less than
CROW: Honest
> half of the next best deal I have been able to find and other times,
>just a little cheaper - but I have never found a lower rate yet. They
>assured me that if I ever do, they will beat it.
SERVO: [singing] No one wants to be defeated *hooh!*
>
>They have been very helpful and helped me change my address from the USA to
>Finland and then back again when I moved last month.
MIKE: Ah, Susan has the wanderlust I see.
CROW: She's just trying to dodge all those magazine subscription bills.
> They are very
>knowledgeable about addressing mags worldwide.
CROW: So they're geniuses because they can wield a Helsinki city directory?
SERVO: Yeah, pretty much.
>
>They have a deal where you can get a free 1 yr sub to a new magazine from a
>special list of over 300 popular titles published in the USA.
CROW: I wonder what they define as popular
MIKE: I have a terrible feeling we're going to find out!
> They will
>give you this free 1 yr. sub when you place your first paid order with them
>to a renewal or new subscription to any of the over 1,500 different popular
>USA titles they sell.
SERVO: I think Susan's post has been infected by the "USA Today" virus
MIKE: What's that?
SERVO: It changes all references to the United States to "USA"
>
>They can arrange delivery to virtually any country
MIKE: Uzbekistan?
CROW: Cote D'Ivorie?
SERVO: Surinam?
MIKE: Freedonia?
CROW: Grand Fenwick?
SERVO: Upper Palnu?
> and I think they have
>clients in around 35 or 36 countries now. Outside the USA there is a charge
>for foreign postage and handling (on both paid and freebie subs)
SERVO: [like car commercial] Absolutely FREE! notcountingtaxtagdocklicense
closingcostspostageorhandlingfeesextraamountneededifactualmagazinedesired
basedon7.7%APRfinancinglimitedtimeonly!
> that varies
>from magazine to magazine. I have found their staff to be very friendly and
>courteous. They even helped me with an address change when I moved from one
>country to another.
CROW: So we all know that she moves around.
SERVO: She's Bebe Rebozo!
>
>The owner thinks of his service as a "club" and his clients as "members"
MIKE: That's "member", as in "If I can get enough suckers to become members
& send me cash all at one time..."
>(even though there is no extra fee to become a member - your first purchase
>automatically makes you a member) and he is real picky about who he accepts
>as a new member.
SERVO: There's no extra charge or anything to become a "member" or whatever,
all you have to do is buy something, and he's *picky* about membership?
MIKE: [As Art Fern] Don't plan to pay us? *Then* we care, friends, m-m-m!!!!
> When he sets you up as a new member, he himself calls you
>personally on the phone to explain how he works his deal, or sometimes he
>has one of his assistants call.
SERVO: Or sometimes he just pays a wino named Floyd to do it
> He is kind of quirky sometimes -
CROW: Well, that would explain the room full of wetsuits and vinyl -
MIKE: Please, I just ate!
> he insists on
>setting up new members by phone so he can say hi to everyone
SERVO: Hi everyone, I'm you're new magazine guy, or a reasonable facsimile
thereof, and I now own you!
> (I sure wouldn't
>want to have his phone bills!), but you can place future orders (after your
>first order)
CROW: No future orders before your first order, please.
> via E-mail.
>
>He has some really friendly young ladies working for him, who seem to know
>just as much as he does about this magazine stuff.
SERVO: [in phonegirl voice] Hi, I'm Bunny Kiplinger, and I'd just *love* to
have you subscribe to my Financial Newletter!
> If you live overseas, he
>will even call you there, as long as you are interested,
CROW: Or as long as you have liquid assets
> but I think he still
>makes all his overseas calls on the weekends, I guess cause the long
>distance rates are cheaper then.
MIKE: [singing] Your true voice
SERVO: [singing] It just doesn't ring true
>
>He only likes to take new members from referrals from satisfied existing
>members and he does virtually no advertising-
MIKE: I'm guessing this must be a new business strategy they didn't teach in
Management 101
CROW: Sounds like he's rapidly becoming a big underground success
> so you can email me and I will
>forward your message on to him as a referral.
SERVO: I can heartily recommend this person I never heard of before.
CROW: What's their address?
SERVO: It says here, "anon.penet.fi"
> When I got set-up, they had a
>2-3 week waiting list for new members to be called back so that they could
>join up.
MIKE: Susie, are you still sitting by the phone?
SERVO: [falsetto] Yes, daddy, I can't wait to hear if they'll let me
subscribe to "American Spectator"!
> (Once you are an existing member, they help you immediately when you
>call. ) I think they are able to get back to prospective new members the
>same day or within a few days now, as they have increased their staff.
CROW: And their hunger for cash!
> I am
>not sure about this........but if you email the above form to them, that is
>the way to get started!
MIKE: You wanna be startin' something?
SERVO: You *gotta* be startin' something.
>
>They will send you some FREE info via E-mail (the short version(around 40K)
CROW: Hey, that should be the "Vertically Challenged Version"!
>of their catalogue, or if you request it the DELUXE LONG VERSION (around
>400K-big and juicey) !)
ALL: EEYW-W-W-W!!!!
> ...if you fill out the form near the top of this
>message.
SERVO: Again with the form?
CROW: For someone who doesn't like to advertise, this guy's got his
troops pretty well trained
>
>They then send you email that outlines how his club works
MIKE: It's fairly simple, you just hook it around the steering wheel and
lock it in place...
CROW: Then Tommy Lee Jones crashes your helicopter into the Statue of
Liberty!
> and the list of
>free choices that you can choose from, as well as the entire list of what
>he sells;
SERVO: [as auto-menu phone voice] Press "1" to subscribe. Press "2" to
not subscribe. Repeat 1500 times.
> and then they will give you a quick (3-5 minute) friendly,
>no-pressure no-obligation call to explain everything to you personally and
>answer all your questions.
MIKE: [British Accent] Ow many tanks you got ere, Colonel?
CROW: [ditto] Be a shame if somefing appened to 'em, y'know.
>
>Here is a list of some of the 1500+ titles that they sell (for your free
>selection with your first paid order, approximately one-fifth of these
>appear on their special freebies list).
MIKE: Hang on guys!
SERVO: I wish I'd taken my dramamine!
CROW: I wish I'd had diptheria shots!
End 1/4