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[Misting] [©¿©] What If The Average Person Knew This? [SPAM] [1/1]

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Matt Blackwell

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Nov 30, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/30/99

Mystery Usenet Theater 3000:
[©¿©] What If The Average Person Knew This?
Misting by Matt Blackwell

[Season 10 Opening Sequence]

[The scene opens on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. A computer
is perched atop the command console. Mike sits behind the computer,
flanked by Tom and Crow. Tom approaches Cambot.]

Tom: Hi everyone, and welcome once again to the Satellite of Love.
Today, we're embarking upon a journey of knowledge and
economic discovery. And why are we doing this? [hushed] Well,
we're a bit low on funds, and we figured that the only way to
get enough money to support us is if Mike becomes rich
overnight. So, we're teaching Mike how to day trade!
[Tom walks over to Mike and Crow.]
Crow: Okay Mike. Wall Street's just about to open. Time to get
started!
Mike: Great! I'm raring to go!
Crow: Trading starts... NOW!
[Tom and Crow anxiously lean towards the screen. Mike sits
motionless, with a happy smile on his face.]
Tom: Mike?
Mike: Ready to go, guys!
Crow: What are you doing?!
Mike: Aren't you two supposed to be teaching me?
Crow: There's no time!
Tom: Log onto daytrader.com! Now!
Mike: Okay, Okay. Hold your horses. Okay. [typing] W. W. W...
Crow: Quick! Buy 3,000 shares of SysvescoCorp!
Mike: [still typing] ...D. A. Y. R. T. A. Whoops! I'll just
backspace...
Tom: It's peaked!
Crow: Okay! Dump the SysvescoCorp and channel everything into
AttillCo!
Mike: [typing] ...T. R. A. D. ...
Crow: Now! Sell!
Tom: Nydex is rising!
Crow: Into Nydex before it splits!
Mike: [typing] ...E. R. S. Dot...
Crow: Over into Hardees!
Tom: Hardees?
Crow: They're about introduce a new sandwich! It's a kind of
barbeque sandwich, but with chicken instead of beef.
Tom: Sounds good. Buy, Mike, buy!
Mike: [oblivious, but still typing] C. O. M! Okay! There
we go! And we're connecting...
Crow: Out of Hardees and over to Interon!
Tom: And... we're done!
Crow: Woo-hoo! We're on the money train now!
Mike: Okay! We're connected! Now what?
Crow: Now we reap in the profits!
Mike: Don't I have to start investing first?
Tom: What?
Crow: Good grief! [Crow stares at the screen] You didn't do a
thing that we said!
Mike: Sure I did! I typed in the site name.
Tom: Mike! You just lost $860,000!
Mike: How? I didn't buy anything!
Crow: Oh, great! And I had my heart set on that yacht too!
Tom: And I was going to finish my Beanie Baby collection!
Nice one, Mike!
Mike: What?
[The mads' light begins to flash.]
Mike: Oh, never mind. E.F. Hutton and company are calling...
[The bots cease their bickering and lean over towards Mike, as
if straining to listen.]
Mike: Oh, stop that. That joke was old twenty years ago.
[Mike hits the light, and the view shifts to...]

[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl stands in the foreground. Behind her are stacks and
stacks of boxes, each with a large label on it. Some are
marked "Make money fast!" Others bear the label "Cookie
recipes!" Many, many, many of them bear the label "porn."
Bobo and Observer are attempting to haul those away.]

Pearl: Hey there Tom! Crow! Rich Uncle Moneybags! I'm afraid
that we here at Castle Forrester have been letting our
responsibilities slide here lately, and now we're
neck deep in spam.

[S.O.L.]
Mike: Aren't you getting sick from all of the pork product
fumes?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: [dryly] No, Mike. We've fried it up, so it smells
quite tasty. [Sighs]
Observer: Pearl? What shall we do with these, charming,
solicitations for "adult" entertainment?
Pearl: Dump them in the incinerator, Brain Guy. It'll
keep us warm for a month. Anyway, Mike, we've
got a backlog of spam for you, so we thought that
we'd send you a charming little e-mail called
"What if the Average Person Knew This?" It's
about a fantastic, yet indescribable, way of
making money. Enjoy.

[S.O.L.]
[The lights are flashing wildly.]
Tom: [to Crow] Maybe we can sell some of those Pokemon
cards...
Crow: Nah. The bottom fell out on that market after the
"Wad of Cards" expansion.
Mike: Never mind that! We've got E-MAIL SIGN!!

[Mike hits the light, and the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]

[Crow enters, followed by Mike who carries Crow. They quickly sit.]

Mike: So, let me get this straight. You want me to sell
a kidney on ebay?
Crow: You have two of them, Mike.
Tom: We really need the money...
Mike: I'll think about it.

>From: <rr...@gnwmail.com>
>To: <rr...@gnwmail.com>

Tom: Wow. I've never seen a spammer trying to trying
to convince himself to make money fast.

>Subject: <(©¿©)> What If The Average Person Knew This?

Mike: How to make emoticons? I think it's pretty common knowledge.

>Date: Tuesday, July 27, 1999 12:05 PM
>

Crow: Great. He wastes our time with this tripe while we could be
concentrating on important issues, like Congress debating those
new, low volume toilets!

>
> Dear Friend:
>

Tom: Hi! How are you? I haven't seen you much around school lately.
Have you been feeling bad? Oh, I met the coolest boy...

> If you have already responded to the following announcement a few
> days ago,

Crow: I'll be one step closer to buying that vacation house
in the Bahamas. Thanks, sucker!

> that means your package is already on its way and it
> should be arriving soon!

Tom: They send packages by e-mail now?
Mike: Yep. I think that realdoll has been selling them.

> If you have not responded to this before,
> please pay attention to it now. This is very important!!!
>

Crow: I would have just blown it off if it was only important.
But since it's important!!!, I guess I better pay attention.

> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>

Mike: Here on the plains of Kansas, farmers prepare to harvest the
bountiful exclamation point harvest.

> IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
> IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
>

Tom: Oswald Plymouth will NOT be undersold!

> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>

Mike: And here, farmers prepare to plant the winter exclamation
point crop.

> Your future May Depend on it !
>

Tom: From the 151st quatrain of Nostradamus:
When in the future, the net of inside shall be deluged
Swamping all therein with a wave of meat
Walls of fire shall be overcome by those who speak like cats
And all must read of a multitude of ways to make money fast.

Mike: And now, in December, the winter crop is ready to be
harvested.

> Before you know about this 'Important Announcement', you must
> first read the following 'Editorial Excerpts' from some important
> publications in the United States:
>

Tom: And no, we didn't 'edit' these 'excerpts' to make
'positive reviews'.

> NEW YORK TIMES: "In concluding our review of Financial
> organizations to effect change in the 90's, special attention
> should be called to a California based organization, 'WORLD
> CURRENCY CARTEL'.

Mike: These chowderheads believe that an alien known as
"Ralph" has given them permission to smack people
with small mouthed bass, all the while singing show
tunes. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!

> Members of this organization are amassing
> hundred of millions of dollars in the currency market using a very
> LEGAL method which has NEVER been divulged to the general public.

Crow: The secret? Simple. They run an airport convenience store.

> While their purpose is not yet known, their presence has most
> certainly been felt".
>

Tom: Well, it's hard to ignore them continually running up
to brokers and asking for spare change.

> NBC NIGHTLY NEWS: "Members of 'World Currency Cartel', who always
> keep a low profile, are considered to be some of the most
> wealthiest people in North America".
>

Mike: But only if you consider "North America" to be the
Evansville Big K.

> More excerpts later, but first let us give you this very
> "IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT":
>

Crow: Flash! Roosevelt declares war on the Ratzis!

> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
> ''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
>

Mike: Throngs of patriotic young men line up to enlist to
fight the Hun hordes.

> We are glad to announce that for the first time and for a very
> short period of time, WORLD CURRENCY CARTEL will instruct a
> LIMITED number of people worldwide on 'HOW TO CONVERT $25 INTO
> ONE HUNDRED OF LEGAL CURRENCY'.

Tom: We'll send you a deck of cards, a cheap card table,
and instructions on how to play three card monte. Then
you're well on your way to financial success!

> We will transact the first
> conversion for you, after that you can easily and quickly do this
> on your own hundreds or even thousands of times every month.

Crow: Just follow the simple advice in my new book, "How to
be a Ho."

> TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS "SECRET FLAW"!
>

Crow: Oh, it's a bug.
Mike: Hey, why should we be beta testers for the US government?

> ******************************************************************
> ******************************************************************
>

Tom: Blasted bank. Who on earth thought that a 132 digit PIN
was a good idea?

> It is even more explosive than we have yet disclosed. While
> currency does fluctuate daily, we can show you 'HOW TO CONVERT $99
> INTO $588 AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT'. That means, you will be able
> to EXCHANGE $99, AMERICAN LEGAL CURRENCY DOLLARS, FOR $580 OF THE
> SAME.

Mike: So, where does the extra $8 come from?
Tom: You need to drive around to local gas stations and raid their
"donate a penny" trays.

> You can do this as many times as you wish, every day, every
> week, every month.

Crow: But if you do it every hour, then you'll go blind.

> All very LEGAL and effortlessly!
>

Mike: You'll even be able to afford that adverb removal that
you've always wanted!

> It takes only 5 to 10 minutes each time you do this. You can do
> this from home, office or even while traveling.

Crow: Can you do it on a train? Or while you're swinging from a
plane?
Tom: Well, I will not do it on a train. Or while I'm swinging
from a plane. I will not make some money fast. Now, move
along before I kick your as...
Mike: ...cot. Before I kick your ascot. Right Tom?
Tom: Whatever.

> All you need is
> an access to a phone line and an address. Best of all, you can do
> this from ANY CITY ON THIS EARTH!!!
>

Crow: Except in Tallahassee. They're weird there.

> Again, we must reiterate, anyone can do this and the source is
> NEVER-ENDING.

Mike: Finally, scientists have discovered perpetual money.

> For as long as the global financial community
> continues to use different currencies with varying exchange rates,
> the "SECRET FLAW" will exist.
>

Tom: When they finally recognize *my* currency, the
Zubar, then the financial community will prosper.

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>

Crow: Panzer tracks! The jerries must be lurking nearby...

> As we said earlier , we will do the first transaction for you and
> will show you exactly how to do this on your own, over and over
> again!
>

Mike: o/~ Yeah, you don't believe that we're on the Eve of
Transaction! o/~

> The amount of exchange you would do each time is entirely up to
> you. Working just 2 to 10 hours a week, you can soon join the list
> of Millionaires who do this on a daily basis many times a day.

Tom: The list? Joe Green and Monica Taylor.

> The
> transaction is so simple that even a high school kid can do it!
>

Tom: But that high school kid down at the Shell station can't
even give me correct change when I buy a coke!

> We at the World Currency Cartel would like to see a uniform global
> currency backed by Gold.

Mike: I wonder if the WCC holds large amounts of gold stocks.
Crow: Oh, perish the thought.

> But, until then, we will allow a LIMITED
> number of individuals worldwide to share in the UNLIMITED PROFITS
> provided for by the world currency differentials.
>

Tom: But if you try to invest in world currency sums, well then
you're up the creek without a paddle.

> We will espouse no more political views nor will we ask you to do
> so.

Mike: We will nod at our illustrious leader, known only as "Mr.
Cool."

> We can say however, that our parent organization, CILS,
> benefits greatly by the knowledge being shared, as we
> ourselves, along with YOU, benefit likewise.

Crow: After all, you'll surely benefit if we know all about you,
won't we? Bwha-ha-ha!

> Your main concern
> surely will be, how you will benefit.
>

Tom: Yep. That's your only concern. By the way, can you send
us your address and a copy of your house keys?

> As soon as you become a member, you will make transactions from
> your home, office, by telephone or through the mail. You can
> conduct these transactions even while traveling.
>

Mike: But if the refs catch you, then the Federal Reserve will
get a free throw.

> Don't believe us?

Crow: Then you've passed our sanity test!

> Experience it for yourself!
>

Mike: And now, we're in an ad for _VR5_.
Tom: Or _Strange Days_.

> ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
>

Crow: The German lines advanced onward towards the front, unaware
of the threat nearby...

> Unlike anyone else, we will assure you great financial freedom and
> you will add to our quickly growing base of supporters and join
> the list of MILLIONAIRES being created using this very "SECRET
> FLAW" in the world currency market.
>

Tom: You'll easily be a millionaire if you invest in pesos!

> ******************************************************************
> ******************************************************************
>

Crow: Suddenly, two ranks of American troops popped up in front
of the German troops!

> DON'T ENVY US, JOIN US TODAY!!!
>

Tom: Can we sue them for copyright infringement?
Mike: I'll phone Jackie Chiles.

Crow: And the British appear, five ranks strong.

> There is a one time membership fee of only $195. BUT, if you join
> us by August 6, 1999 date, you can join us for only $25 administrative
> cost.

Tom: Oh dear. We missed the cutoff date. Darn.
Mike: Relax. We can apply next year when it's 1900 again.

> Your important documents, instructions, contact name/address,
> phone number and all other pertinent information will be mailed to
> you immediately.

Crow: And, despite our competitors' claims, we do not pick random
people out of the phone book and tell you that they're your
contact.

> So take advantage of our Anniversary date and join
> us today.
>

Tom: If you forget our anniversary though, we're not going to
speak to you until you take us out to a really nice
dinner.

> (If you are replying after August 6, you must pay $195.00 for
> the membership fee. NO EXCEPTIONS, and no more E-mail inquiries
> please).
>

Mike: Blast! I had this fabulous plan to make money fast that
I was sure that they'd love to hear, but I guess it's too
late now.

> Upon becoming a member, you promise to keep all infos
> CONFIDENTIAL!
>

Tom: And not propagate it around the internet, like we're
doing now.

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Should you choose to cancel your membership for any reason, you
> must return all papers/documents for a refund within 60 days.
>

Crow: And remember! We shredded those documents before we sent
them to you for security reasons. You better send each
and every one of those scraps back!

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> IMPORTANT:
>
> ****************
>
> 1...Please write your name & mailing address VERY CLEARLY on a
> paper

Mike: We recommend using the New York Times due to its excellent
international news section. The shipping cost will be a
bit higher though.

> 2...Below your mailing address, please write your E-mail address

Crow: We won't be selling it to mass e-mailer companies. No siree,
Bob.

> 3...At the top left hand corner, please write the words "NEW
> MEMBER"

Tom: Be sure to make sure that your writing is exactly parallel
to the paper edge, or else we we'll just have to tear up
your letter and keep your check.

> 4...Attach a CHECK for $25 + $10 for the shipping and handling
> of documents (TOTAL = $35.00) PAYABLE TO "NDML"

Crow: The Nomadic Druids of Montana League?

> and FAX it to:
>
> 212-208-3050
>

Mike: By faxing your check, we'll be able to vanish without
a word much sooner than if we had to rely on the mail.

> (Note: We are ONLY accepting CHECK-BY-FAX as a form of payment
> at this time.

Tom: That way, you won't have any address to use as a starting
place from which to track us down.

> We WILL be able to cash the check you send us
> by fax, you do not need to mail us a check. If your check is
> dark, please PRINT ALL OF THE INFORMATION ON THE CHECK ONTO THE
> PAPER YOU ARE FAXING US so that it is clearly legible!) Please
> allow 2-4 weeks for delivery.

Crow: [snicker] No. Really. It'll be at your place really,
really soon.

> No shipments will be made until
> the check has cleared.
>

Mike: After all, we have a lot less trust in you than you should
have in us.

> }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
> }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
>
> Here are some more 'Editorial Excerpts':
>

Tom: Or, as some would call them, "Completely Made Up Quotes."

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> WALL STREET: "A discreet group of Americans, operating under the
> guise of World Currency Cartel have recently begun making rumbles in
> world finance market.

Mike: Their insistence in paying for every transaction in pennies
has caused quite a stir.

> While at this time, their game is not completely
> known, they certainly will be watched by those making major moves in
> the currency contracts".
>

Crow: They'll be operating on the "If these idiots recommend
something,
we'll do the opposite" principle.

> FINANCIAL WEEK: "Watch them, monitor them, extract their knowledge
> and try to become one of them.

Tom: Actually that's from their article on 98 Degrees.

> That is the soundest financial
> advice we could give to anyone".
>

Mike: Except for that "Buy low, sell high" thing.

> NATIONAL BUSINESS WEEKLY: "While this reporter has been left in
> the cold as to its method of operation,

Crow: And it's always a good sign when the financial reporters
haven't a clue as to what you're up to.

> we have been able to
> confirm that 'World Currency Cartel' and its members are literally
> amassing great fortunes overnight".
>

Tom: How? Four words: Gold Pressed Pokemon Cards.

> $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$END$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
>
>

Mike: And Richie Rich and Chicken make a surprise guest appearance.
Tom: Let's skedaddle.
[Mike lifts Tom up from his seat and the trio heads out of the
theater.]

[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]

[A small stand has been constructed on the SoL's bridge. A sign
above the stand reads "Tom and Crow's Gen-U-Ine Currency Exchange."
The bots anxiously wait behind the stand. After a few moments,
Mike enters. The bots begin to elbow each other and eye Mike
as he approaches these stand.]

Mike: A currency exchange, huh?
Tom: Yep. We decided to follow the advice of the people in
the e-mail and use the flaws in the world currency market
to help us achieve financial independence.
Mike: So, you sent these weasels money?
Crow: Well, no.
Tom: Crow blew the last of your funds on some counterfeit
"Rock and Roll Elmos", so we had to come up with a
plan by ourselves.
Crow: And you're our first customer!
Mike: [Sighing.] Well, I guess I'll play along. [Mike reaches
into his wallet and withdraws a bill.] Here's twenty
bucks. Work your financial magic on me.
[Tom disappears below the stand.]
Crow: Okie-dokie. We'll take your twenty bucks and give you...
[Tom reappears with a box.]
Tom: This box of currency!
[Mike opens the box and looks in.]
Mike: This is a box of rocks, guys.
Crow: Correction! It's a box of bright, shiny rocks!
Mike: This isn't really currency.
Tom: It is in The Upper Democratic Republic of the Congo!
Crow: And Grand Fenwick too!
Mike: Guys, I'm afraid that...
[Mike stops and peers into the box again. Momentarily,
he looks up with an odd look on his face.]
Mike: I'll be right back.
[He exits, with the box.]
Crow: Well then. Tom, do you want to tell people how
to join our little hobby?
Tom: Currency speculation?
Crow: No! Misting!
Tom: Oh, that. Just join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List,
by sending an e-mail to majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu...
[Mike reenters.]
Mike: Hey guys? Can I get some more of that currency?
Crow: Sure thing!
[Tom pops below the stand and returns with another box.]
Tom: Here you go!
Mike: Thanks.
[Mike exits.]
Crow: Sucker.
Tom: Yep. Anyway, where was I?
Crow: Subscribing.
Tom: That's right. Send an e-mail to:
majo...@neylonpc.engin.umich.edu with the message
"subscribe dibslist [<your name>]" in the message body
and boom, you're in.
[Mike re-enters.]
Crow: Say, Mike? We've still got another box of shinys...
Mike: I'll take that one too.
Tom: Be right back.
[Tom darts down to grab another box, and returns moments
later.]
Tom: Here you go.
Mike: Thanks guys. [He exits.]
Crow: Servo? Since when does Mike willingly go along with
our hare-brained schemes?
Tom: Well, um, never.
Bots: Uh-oh. MIKE!!!
[Mike returns to the bridge.]
Mike: Yes?
Crow: What exactly are you doing with those rocks?
Mike: Selling them.
Tom: Come on. Who's stupid enough to buy rocks? Besides
you, of course.
Mike: Well, no one. But they'll happily buy rubies.
Crow: Rubies?
Mike: And other gemstones. You two filled up those boxes
with uncut gems. Quite a bargain for twenty bucks.
Tom: Gemstones?
Mike: Yep. I've made enough money from the deal to repay
all of my credit cards that you've plundered. Thanks
guys! I guess your currency speculation scheme actually
does work. Just not for you. [Mike grins wildly.] Mike
one, bots zero.
[With that, Mike smiles and hits the button, causing the picture
to contract with a ....]

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \

Crow: [V.O.] Well, blast.
Tom: [V.O.] Relax. He still hasn't realized that we know his
PIN. We'll be rolling in the dough soon enough.
Mike: [V.O.] What are you two smiling about?
Bots: [V.O.] Nothing!

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.

No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead,
is purely coincidental.

Special thanks to my proofreaders Alex Gariepy, Daniel Haun, and
Siobhan.

11/29/99

Twang.

------------------------------------------------------------------

> While
> currency does fluctuate daily, we can show you 'HOW TO CONVERT $99
> INTO $588 AS MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT'. That means, you will be able
> to EXCHANGE $99, AMERICAN LEGAL CURRENCY DOLLARS, FOR $580 OF THE
> SAME.

------------------------------------------------------------------

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