[MSTing] Knight Rider: "Trust Doesn't Rust" (1/4)
Craig J. Clark
In the not-so-recent future,
In the middle of Season Eight,
The evil Pearl and company
Weren't panning out so great.
Their skits were dull and a little slow,
And had little or nothing to do with the show.
But they'd traveled full circle in time and space
So Dr. F came back and killed his mom and took over the pla-ace!
DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER: "I'm baaaack!"
He sends them cheesy movies,
The worst you've ever seen, (la la la)
And stuff he found on the internet,
And he does it while wearing green. (la la la)
Now, don't be put off or confused
By this game of Let's Pretend,
'Cause there's still no one in the theater
But Mike and his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
Cambot ["You guys still need me?"]
Gypsy ["I'm busy."]
Tom Servo ["Bring it."]
Crooooooooow! ["Would you like fries with that?"]
Turn down your lights where applicable,
Grab a drink and a couple snacks,
And repeat to yourself, it's just a show
I should really just relax...
For Mystery Something Theater Three Thou-suuund! (bdrdrdrlanggg!...)
[Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge]
[Tom is at the computer, his hand attached to the mouse, which he
manipulates. Mike wanders in, eating funnel cake. He sees Tom.]
MIKE: Hey, Tom. What are you up to?
TOM: Oh, hi, Mike. I've decided that I want to make fast money the
fun and easy way, so I'm going to sell some old stuff on eBay.
MIKE: Not your underwear collection?
TOM: Lord, no, I could never part with that! No, I'm thinking about
auctioning off myself.
MIKE: Yourself? You mean... you?
TOM: Well, yeah, I have plenty.
MIKE: Don't you think that sounds a little -- how shall I put this --
wrong?
TOM: Let's just see what the market is like. I'll look up "humorous
robot pal" and see what comes up. Or you could, since my arms
don't actually work.
MIKE: [putting down his funnel cake] Okay, but let the record show I
think this is a bad idea.
TOM: Whatever.
[Mike types the request in and he and Servo look at the results.]
MIKE: Well, look at that.
[Tom is aghast.]
MIKE: Looks like somebody's already beaten you to the punch. 23
listings for "L@@K!!! Tom Servo, N-M, Rare, HTF, Low Reserve!!!"
23? How is that rare?
TOM: How is that possible?! Who's the seller?
[He clicks on one of the listings.]
MIKE: "Bobbinbuzzard"? Oh, hey. That's a good picture of you.
TOM: Shut up.
[CROW enters, also eating a funnel cake.]
CROW: Hey, guys. Whatcha looking at?
TOM: Your death warrant.
CROW: What? [looks at the screen] Oh, that. How are they selling?
MIKE: You've got bids on a few of them. Why did you put so many on at
once?
CROW: Call it a whim.
TOM: FIVE DOLLARS? Your starting bid is FIVE DOLLARS?
CROW: What can I say? There isn't much of a demand for you. I used
to have the reserve price at $20, but you didn't move at all.
TOM: WHAT?
[The communication light flashes.]
MIKE: Hey, you two. Bristol, Meyers and Squibb are calling.
[Castle Forrester. Professor Bobo and Observer are standing on
stepladders in the background, installing a set of track lights.
Dr. Forrester has his back to the camera overseeing their work.]
DR.F: Okay, I'm thinking a blue bulb in that one, and then a green
one over there... Ah, hello, Mike. You've caught me in the
middle of redecorating. Got to spruce down the place if I'm
going to be living here; my mother's aesthetic wasn't quite
subterranean enough for my tastes.
[Bobo drops a bulb; it shatters on the floor. A pained expression
crosses Dr. Forrester's face.]
[SoL. Tom and Crow are scuffling by the desk. They knock over both
plates of funnel cake.]
MIKE: Redecorating. And I see you have help.
[CF. Observer is glowering at Bobo in the background.]
DR.F: ...Ostensibly, yes.
[SoL. Tom and Crow continue scuffling, but now they're covered with
powdered sugar.]
MIKE: So you're probably too busy to send us an experiment, huh?
[CF]
DR.F: My naive little friend, I am never too busy to advance the cause
of science through human suffering.
[Bobo drops another bulb. Dr. Forrester winces.]
BOBO: Oh, darn. That's the eighth one today.
DR.F: In fact, to keep you occupied during my renovations, I've
prepared a double shot of viewing displeasure. You're going to
be watching two episodes of "Knight Rider."
[SoL. Tom and Crow stop fighting.]
CROW: What did he say?
MIKE: "Knight Rider"? Oh, big deal. I used to actually watch that
show of my own free will on a regular basis. Bring it on.
[CF. Bobo drops a bulb.]
DR.F: Oh, but this isn't going to be your ordinary Hasselhoffian
experience, oh no. Do you recall our previous experiment?
[SoL. Tom and Crow shudder.]
MIKE: I've been trying to forget, but yeah.
[CF]
DR.F: Well, that was nothing compared to what you will be experiencing
today. Using technologies that you could not even begin to
understand, I can harness the pain potential of purple prose
in conjunction with visual stimuli to not only monitor your
mind, but also fry it like a slab of bacon. You see, I've found
a website that archives...THE "KNIGHT RIDER" SHOOTING SCRIPTS.
[Dramatic pause. Bobo drops a bulb.]
DR.F: Excuse me for a moment.
BOBO: Uh-oh.
[SoL]
MIKE: Sweet Jesus, we've got CRAP TELEPLAY SIGN.
TOM: That's a first.
[...6...5...4...3...2...Theater]
> EXEC. PRODUCERS: Glen A. Larson PROD. #57307
> R. A. Cinader October 15, 1982 (F.R.)
> PRODUCERS: Hannah Shearer Rev. 10/20/82 (F.R.)
> Steven E. de Souza Rev. 10/22/82 (F.R.)
> Rev. 10/25/82 (F.R.)
> Rev. 10/26/82 (F.R.)
> Rev. 10/27/82 (F.R.)
> Rev. 10/28/82 (F.R.)
> Rev. 10/29/82 (F.R.)
> Rev. 11/01/82 (F.R.)
TOM: Wow, they sure revised the hell out of this.
CROW: Welcome to series television.
>
> KNIGHT RIDER
>
> TRUST DOESN'T RUST
MIKE: Ooh, Trust must have gotten that Truecoat.
TOM: Oh, ja.
> by
> Steven E. de Souza
CROW: De inventor of de Souzaphone.
> ______________________
>
> ACT ONE
>
> FADE IN
>
> EXT. ABANDONED LAB - NIGHT
>
> Dark...eerie.
TOM: Are there any abandoned labs in the world that look bright and
cheery?
MIKE: Probably.
> NEW ANGLE - SHOWING SIGN
>
> reading "On this site will be erected the KNIGHT MUSEUM OF
> TECHNOLOGY - NO TRESPASSING." A beat.
CROW: A dark, eerie beat.
> Then we hear
> footsteps. Camera adjusts to reveal two men in ragged
> clothing as they stumble down a slope, collide with the
> sign.
TOM: The beating of his hideous sign!
> The younger and larger of the two, Tony, wipes dirt
> from the sign with fingers which extend from half-cut gloves.
>
> TONY
> Hey. Just like I said, Rev. This
> is the place.
CROW: [as Tony] "This is the place where we can ram into a sign real
hard."
> REV
> I don't like this, Tony. 'Thou
> shalt not trespass on thy neighbor....'
> Or sumpthin' like that....
MIKE: This guy's sermons must be scintillating.
> TONY
> Rev, don't start the Ten Commandment
> stuff again.
>
> Tony passes him a bottle in a bag.
>
> TONY
> Take another slug. You'll feel real
> warm and spiritual.
TOM: [as Rev] "No, I'll be holding a wet, icky invertebrate."
> REV
> We won't find anything in here.
> When a zillionaire like Knight dies,
> they clean out the joint....
TOM: But it's going to be a museum. Museums usually have things in
them.
> Suddenly reacting to approaching footsteps, Tony pushes Rev
> out of sight. A moment later a guard strolls by, shining
> his light just short of Tony and Rev's hiding place.
>
> TONY AND REV
>
> peering over the edge of their "foxhole" as the guard leaves.
CROW: Very intererstink... but shtupid.
> TONY
> See that? You think they got guards
> for nothin'? Come on.
MIKE: [as Rev] "No, I figure they have to pay them sumpthin'."
> Tony leading the way, they stumble down a ramp to a basement
> door. Tony takes a crowbar out of his ragged overcoat,
> applies it to the lock.
>
> REV
> I got a bad feeling about this.
CROW: I got a bad feeling you ripped that line off from somewhere.
> TONY
> I got a good one. Guys this rich,
> they even got gold and silver on
> their plumbing.
TOM: Yeah, that's a good one, Tony.
> The doors part. The two men practically fall inside.
MIKE: I would have called it an impractical move myself.
> OMITTED
>
> INT. LAB BASEMENT - NIGHT
>
> Cobwebs...shadows...definitely creepy.
TOM: First it was eerie. Now it's creepy.
CROW: Definitely.
> Tony and Rev enter
> the shot.
>
> TONY
> Dark in here.
TOM: Yeah, the cinematographer really did a lousy job.
>
> REV
> Dark as hell, Tony. Dark as hell.
MIKE: Isn't hell usually depicted as being on fire?
CROW: But it's dark fire.
> TONY
> Will you knock off that stuff, Rev?
> If you're so pure an' all, you
> shoulda stayed in that church...if
> you ever had one.
>
> REV
> I had one, Tony...I had one!
MIKE: He's acting like he's had more than just one.
TOM: One _bottle._
> But strong drink made me fall from
> grace...just like Noah.
CROW: So Noah's wife was named Grace, too?
> Tony lights a match. In the gloom he sees some power boxes.
>
> TONY
> Here we go.
>
> He hits one. Nothing.
TOM: Hit it harder! Use your head this time!
> He hits the second. A dim light goes on...
CROW: Oh, great, now there's three dim bulbs in here.
> a single overhead bulb further into the basement. He
> hits the third box, which sparks...does nothing else.
>
> TONY
> Ahhh...nothin'. Let's case the place
> ...get some of that gold plumbing.
MIKE: Tony, honey. Don't you remember you made that up?
> They move away. Camera tightens on the last power box. It
> is labeled, "LABORATORY THREE - DANGER - DO NOT ENGAGE POWER."
CROW: Power just isn't marriage-minded. Try proposing to money or
fame instead.
> Music stings in.
>
> TONY AND REV
>
> Stumbling along, Rev and Tony get caught in a huge spiderweb.
TOM: The hell?
MIKE: Now it's "Gremlins 2."
>
> TONY
> Aggh! Uggh! I hate bugs!
CROW: Oh, how ironic! Because, you know, he... Uhh...
MIKE: Hates bugs?
CROW: Yeah! And spiders are arachnids and they _love_ bugs.
MIKE: Okay...
> REV
> Let's go, Tony. There's nothing
> here.
>
> TONY
> Not yet...let's try that door....
>
> NEW ANGLE
TOM: [Captain Sternn] "I've got an angle."
> as they approach a door labeled "LABORATORY THREE - DANGER."
> Tony raises the crowbar again.
MIKE: Then he lowers it. Then he raises it again.
CROW: Tony believes in low-impact workouts.
> Rev points to the sign.
>
> REV
> Tony, look....
>
> TONY
> Ah, that's just to scare people away.
CROW: [as Tony] "The Knight Museum gets robbed on a regular basis, but
everyone else runs away when they see the danger sign. We're
the smart ones."
> He breaks the lock. The door swings open slowly. Tony
> steps in...drags a reluctant Rev behind him. There is a
> very, very slight wind effect...Rev seems to feel it; Tony
> does not.
TOM: He who felt it, dealt it.
CROW: Somebody light a match.
> INT. LAB - NIGHT
>
> As they move inside, Tony lights a match.
CROW: Muchas gracias.
> We see dusty lab
> equipment on some counters.
>
> TONY
> Hey, this is more like it.
>
> REV
> Come on. We can't hock stuff like
> this.
CROW: No, but we can hock loogies onto it! Woo hoo!
> TONY
> Sure we can. It's just like video
> games.
MIKE: [as Tony] "I'm gonna take this 'Ohmmeter' home to the kids. It
looks even better than Space Invaders."
> Tony starts filling his arms with various items. Rev
> uncorks a beaker...sniffs. Drinks the stuff.
CROW: Mmm, sodey pop!
TOM: Rev isn't too particular about what he imbibes, is he?
> EXT. ROOM THREE - ON BREAKER BOX
>
> still sparking and arcing, the warning, "DO NOT ENGAGE
> POWER" still evident.
MIKE: Remember, kids. Electricity doesn't work unless you can see it.
> INT. LAB THREE
>
> Tony and Rev move in front of the camera.
CROW: Down in front!
> It's completely
> dark around them.
>
> TONY
> Hey, this place is big.
TOM: How can he tell? It's completely dark around them.
> REV
> Let's go.
>
> TONY
> Are you kiddin'?
> (showing
> his booty)
CROW: Too easy.
> It's a gold mine ---
MIKE: He's still hoping to find that gold-plated plumbing.
TOM: The dope.
> Suddenly both men react to a spark of electricity in the
> distance.
CROW: How did they react? Did they cry? Wet their pants? What?
> They turn. Nothing but darkness.
>
> REV
> W-what was that?
>
> TONY
> It's gone now ---
MIKE: [as Tony] "So that means we have nothing to worry about."
> There is another arc...and then a bright red light appears
> ...moving slowly from side to side with a strange humming
> sound.
>
> REVERSE ANGLE
CROW: Okay. ELGNA?
MIKE: We'll get you into MENSA yet.
> as Tony and Rev react.
>
> REV
> I think we should leave.
>
> TONY
> I...I think you're right.
>
> They turn, run for the door...which suddenly slams shut.
TOM: We're not going to bother explaining how, it just does.
> They turn back, look at ---
>
> THE RED LIGHT
>
> rushing towards them....
TOM: Don't go into the light.
CROW: It will come to you!
> TONY AND REV
>
> As they scream in fear, we:
>
> CUT TO
>
> OMITTED
TOM: Cut to what?
MIKE: It was omitted.
TOM: Did they get killed or something?
MIKE: We don't know. It was omitted.
TOM: Damn. Now I'm anxious.
> EXT. K.I.T.T. ON ROAD - NIGHT - TRAVELING - STOCK
>
> K.I.T.T.'S VOICE
> Michael, do you realize that it's
> 2:32 in the morning?
MIKE: [as Michael] "I do now, mister freaking internal clock."
> INT. K.I.T.T. - NIGHT - TRAVELING - P.M.P.
>
> Michael is driving.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> This is no time to perform an errand.
CROW: But it is time for some exposition.
> MICHAEL
> Kitt, we have to secure the old
> laboratory. The city takes possession
> of it first thing in the morning.
> Anyway, what's your problem? Am I
> keeping you from a hot date?
MIKE: Michael Knight's rapier-like wit, ladies and gentlemen.
CROW: This show was written for children, wasn't it?
TOM: [Steve Dallas] "Can't be! Can't %$^$#ing be!"
> K.I.T.T.
> Of course not. But I need to charge
> my power packs occasionally. And
> speaking of dates, we could have
> performed this task this afternoon
> if you hadn't visited that Rosalie
> woman.
CROW: But then you wouldn't run into Rev and Tony and "the mysterious
red light" and get into a wacky adventure!
> MICHAEL
> You mean Roselynn. Rosalie's the
> other one...Ya know, down at the
> beach?
TOM: Wait. Kitt's a machine and it can't remember people's names?
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, why do you need to socialize
> with so many women? Wouldn't one be
> sufficient?
>
> MICHAEL
> Kitt, you're starting to sound like
> my mother.
MIKE: [as Michael] "Of course, my mother thinks I'm dead, so my memory
of what she sounds like might not be entirely accurate."
> What's wrong with a guy
> wanting some uh...companionship?
> You can understand that.
TOM: Not when you phrase it like that. What is he trying to hide?
> K.I.T.T.
> No, Michael, I cannot. When you're
> one of a kind, companionship does
> not compute.
CROW: Spoken like a true unfeeling machine.
> EXT. ROAD - NIGHT
>
> as the car continues on.
>
> DISSOLVE TO
>
> EXT. ABANDONED LAB - NIGHT
>
> Headlights pan across the sign reading "NO TRESPASSING."
> Camera adjusts as K.I.T.T. pulls up, stops.
MIKE: What, was the camera's underwear riding up or something?
> Michael gets out.
>
> MICHAEL
> Hello? Hello?
> (beat)
> That's funny.
CROW: Michael Knight hasn't gotten the hang of knock-knock jokes.
> K.I.T.T. rolls forward. The red scanner swings back and
> forth.
MIKE: A red scanner swinging back and forth? Where have we seen this
before?
TOM: I don't know. It's a mystery.
> K.I.T.T.
> Funny? Michael, I detect no source
> of amusement.
CROW: Neither do we.
> MICHAEL
> I mean, there's supposed to be a
> guard on duty.
>
> Michael looks at ---
>
> OMITTED
TOM: Oh, I guess it wasn't too important.
> HIS POINT OF VIEW - ENTRANCE TO BASEMENT
>
> The lock is broken, the door is partially open.
>
> BACK TO SCENE
CROW: Oh, thank God. I thought they'd _never_ get back to the scene.
> Michael gets into the car.
>
> MICHAEL
> Come on. Let's check out the basement.
>
> The car rolls forward...suddenly stops.
TOM: Yeah, suddenly Kitt remembered he can't use stairs.
> MICHAEL
> Kitt, didn't you hear me? What's wrong?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, I'm getting some unusual
> readings.
MIKE: That's just the poetry slam at the "Bean There, Dunk That" cafe
up the road.
> MICHAEL
> Readings of what?
>
> K.I.T.T.
> I don't know...they appear to be
> sensor echoes of my own telemetry
> ...but that's impossible.
>
> MICHAEL
> If it's impossible, ignore it. Let's go.
CROW: Yep, this Michael Knight is one sharp detective.
> The car creeps downward again.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, I have a strange feeling
> about this.
>
> MICHAEL
> What are you talking about? You don't
> have feelings.
TOM: Oh, sure. Rub it in, fleshy.
> K.I.T.T.
> I know. That's what's strange about it.
>
> Michael looks around. Apparently, strange feelings are
> contagious.
MIKE: Apparently? You mean you don't know?
> MICHAEL
> Okay, Kitt. If something strange is
> going on, I want someone covering my
> back. You stay here.
>
> K.I.T.T.
> You don't have to tell me twice.
>
> Michael smiles slightly...pats the nearest part of the
> car...goes inside the lab.
MIKE: Hey, that's sexual harassment!
CROW: Mechanical harassment, anyway.
> OMITTED
>
> WITH MICHAEL INSIDE
CROW: One free Michael in every box of Omitted! While supplies last!
TOM: Omitted -- the cereal you keep forgetting to buy.
> He moves through the cobwebs and shadows. We play this for
> suspense...once we get a sudden start as Michael reacts to
> a noise and a moving object...but it's only a falling
> timber.
MIKE: See, with a timber instead of a cat, that whole routine is fresh
and new again!
> By now Michael's walk has taken him up to ---
>
> OMITTED
>
> MICHAEL'S POINT OF VIEW - LAB
TOM: What's a dog doing in there?
> A maze-like collection of eerie shadows impossible to
> decipher.
MIKE: I hated that part of the game. My lantern always went out.
> BACK TO SCENE
>
> Now he is in the center of the dark gloom...a matching
> shot to the earlier one of Tony and Rev.
TOM: Yeah, Tony and Rev. What about them? What happened?
> He waves the beam
> of the flashlight around.
MIKE: Makes embarrassing lightsaber noises.
> Reacts to....
>
> OMITTED
CROW: Would they stop doing that?
> INT. LAB - MICHAEL'S POINT OF VIEW - THE GUARD
>
> from outside is in the center of the room, semiconscious.
TOM: He's not the only one.
> THE SCENE
>
> Michael quickly crosses to him, examines him.
>
> GUARD
> (weakly)
> Lab...three...lab...three....
MIKE: [as Guard] "I...left...a...bunsen...burner...on...in...
there...."
> Hearing these words, Michael turns...looks at....
>
> OMITTED
>
> MICHAEL'S POINT OF VIEW - LAB THREE
>
> As the door slowly opens, seemingly of its own volition, a
> red light goes on. Something rushes out of the dark lab
> like a rogue elephant.
CROW: Something which we, of course, cannot see.
TOM: But we as audience members are supposed to imagine that it could
be a rogue elephant with a red light on the front.
> OMITTED
>
> MICHAEL
>
> at the last moment he rolls out of the way. Alloy-belted
> treds mash the dust around his last footprints.
TOM: TREDS MASH!
CROW: [deep voice] I despise the ground you walk on.
> OUTSIDE LAB - K.I.T.T.
>
> As a black gleaming blur
MIKE: Cut to the point, please. We know it's a car.
> swerves around it, roars out the
> main door and into the night.
CROW: Directed by John Landis.
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael! Michael! Where are you?
>
> Michael moves quickly and breathlessly into the shot, the
> guard across his shoulders.
>
> MICHAEL
> Here, Kitt...we have to get this man
> to a hospital!
>
> K.I.T.T.
> Michael, that car...
MIKE: They finally admit it's a car!
TOM: Thank you!
> it...it could
> have been my twin! It was exactly
> like me!
>
> Michael catches his breath, gets into K.I.T.T.
CROW: Dude, he is totally into his car.
> MICHAEL
> Not exactly, Kitt....
>
> Camera tightens on Michael.
>
> MICHAEL
> It almost killed me.
>
> OMITTED
TOM: I think they omitted the "da-da-dahhhhhh!"
> FREEZE FRAME
MIKE: [singing] "And I'll freeze!"
> FADE OUT
>
> END OF ACT ONE
CROW: I'd rather get out of here.
[Ka-thunk...2...3...4...5...6...SoL Bridge. Crow and Tom each have an
enormous quantity of cotton candy, which they are attempting to eat.
Mike enters.]
CROW: So, umm, Mike. You've actually _seen_ this show before?
MIKE: Well, yeah. During the early '80s I was as susceptible as
anybody else to shows like "Buck Rogers," "Airwolf" and "Knight
Rider" -- shows that in retrospect were kinda cheesy but
appealed to the sci-fi/fantasy geek in everybody.
TOM: You mean just you, then.
MIKE: No, I mean everybody. A lot of people had to have watched these
shows, otherwise they wouldn't have stayed on the air as long as
they did.
CROW: But why "Knight Rider"?
TOM: Yeah, Mike. How did it come to be?
MIKE: Well, you have to remember that autonomous automobiles had long
been in the national consciousness thanks to TV shows like "My
Mother the Car" in the mid-'60s and movies like the Herbie
series, which started in 1968 with "The Love Bug" and spawned
four sequels.
CROW: But that's ancient history.
TOM: And Herbie didn't even talk!
CROW: What about something more contemporary?
MIKE: Well, in 1977 you had "The Car," starring James Brolin. It
didn't talk, either, but it was a driverless black car.
TOM: Okay, we'll give you that.
CROW: You're giving him that? I wasn't going to give him that.
[They start arguing amongst themselves, hurling their cotton candy at
each other. Mike continues, mostly to himself.]
MIKE: Finally, we come to 1982, which brought "Knight Rider" to the
small screen and into the minds of millions of adolescent boys.
Then, a year later brought Stephen King's "Christine" to the
bestseller lists and the movies. It was simply an idea whose
time had come, culturally-speaking.
[Tom and Crow stop fighting once they hear that Mike has stopped
talking.]
TOM: That's all well and good, Mike, but it doesn't cut to the heart
of the matter.
MIKE: And that is...?
CROW: Why David Hasselhoff?
MIKE: Okay, that's going to be a little bit more complicated to
explain.
[The lights flash.]
MIKE: And we have spam sign.
TOM: The thing I want to know is, did "Knight Rider" make Hasselhoff
or did Hasselhoff make "Knight Rider"?
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Planet logo.]
Add 3 inches Naturally -- to your pants!